Months after The Prank, Sirius still feels broken. Despite Remus' forgiveness and the marauders' reassurances, he still hasn't managed to forgive himself. He used to fit with the marauders like puzzle pieces, but ever since The Prank, he feels like he’s changed shape. He senses it in the way Remus sometimes wakes up crying, but won’t tell Sirius what his dream was about, the way James sometimes has panic attacks when he sees Snape down the hall, the way Peter tenses up when Sirius and Remus bicker, ready to jump to Remus' defense like Sirius will do something to hurt him. He’s still gaining back their trust while having their forgiveness, and no matter how hard he tries to forget and slot into place with them again, he just doesn’t seem to fit anymore.
Sirius hasn’t coped well, and he knows they know, but he can’t bring himself to talk about it, not when he deserves to feel every bit of the pain he caused them. He lives in fear of the next time he betrays them, of leaving his body, watching himself destroy the people he loves while he watches helplessly.
Remus was tired of Sirius ignoring him and tired of being patient about it. He missed his boyfriend and his best friend, he missed who Sirius used to be before that dreaded prank. They were at dinner in the Great Hall, Sirius’ eyes downcast as he poked at his food while James prattled on about the rumors that their potions teacher was dating their muggle studies teacher to fill the silence usually occupied by Sirius’ boisterous laughs and jokes.
Remus could feel Sirius’ knee jumping underneath the table next to him, shaking it slightly. He looked awful, with dark smudges of purple under his eyes and his usual artfully styled curls limp on his neck. Sirius took pride in how he looked, he loved styling his hair and meticulously choosing the jewelry he’d wear every day, but lately, he’d been too exhausted to put any effort into appearances. He hadn't been sleeping, forcing himself to stay awake for days at a time with pepper up potions to avoid the nightmares that plagued him every night. He was unraveling at the seams and Remus couldn't do a thing about it but watch. Sirius wouldn't let them help, not with this. He placed a hesitant hand on Sirius’ knee,
“You need to eat, sweetheart. You skipped lunch and barely ate breakfast this morning.” Remus murmured, trying to catch his eye. Sirius shied away from his touch and nodded, but didn’t respond, taking a few small bites of his potatoes but mostly just pushing them around his plate.
Remus tried to hide the hurt that he felt at the denial, Sirius had barely looked in Remus’ direction all week, retreating into himself like he had those awful months ago, only speaking when he had to and disappearing for hours every day. Since he’d woken up screaming earlier that week, he’d stopped sharing Remus’ bed, stubbornly avoiding him when he tried to ask Sirius about it. Remus would've thought it was something he did if it wasn't for the fact that he was also avoiding James, Peter, and even Regulus.
“Pads, do you think you can help me with transfiguration homework later? I can’t seem to get that spell down, and you’re the best at it,” James tried cheerfully, though there was worry shining in his eyes. Sirius pushed his hair out of his face, tangled at his shoulders from not brushing it, and looked towards James without meeting his eyes,
“I can’t tonight, I’m not feeling well actually, gonna go lie down,” Sirius said in a barely audible voice, standing up on shaky legs. He wobbled a little as the blood rushed to his head, lack of sleep and food making him woozy. It was a bad excuse but not entirely a lie, he did feel bad, he just couldn’t tell them why.
“Sirius-” Remus started, reaching for him but Sirius was already walking away, ignoring the feeling of his friends eyes burning holes into his back.
He considered going to the forest as Padfoot but he was too drained, and didn’t want to answer their questions at the dorm, so he stumbled up the stairs to the astronomy tower instead. It was far too cold to be there, Scottish winter still stubbornly holding on in March, but he didn’t bother casting a warming charm, he didn’t care if he got sick.
Sirius wished more than anything that he felt empty, wished he felt blissfully numb, even though he usually makes bad decisions when he is. He was tired of feeling full to the brim of agonizing feelings, tired of being scared of himself, his blood, and what he was capable of. He knew he was hurting Remus by pulling away, could see it in his eyes every time he skipped a meal or slept in his own bed instead of their shared one, but he didn’t know how to stop either. Sirius would rather hurt him by pulling away than hurt him more by loving him and breaking his trust again.
Sometimes, when his head was too loud at Grimmauld Place, he’d find ways to get in trouble so Walburga would punish him. The pain, he’d learned, cleared his head, emptied out the thoughts, and made things a bit easier, for a time. Since Sirius left with Regulus to live with the Potters, he hasn't done anything to punish himself, despite the temptation to on bad days.
He knew he was forgiven, and there were days it was easier to believe, blissful days that he could lean into Remus without feeling guilty, that he could accept his friends' love easily, laughing loudly and taking up space unashamed. But there were other days, usually after nightmares, where he couldn't help but pull away, days where he couldn't meet Remus' eyes or laugh at all. Sometimes he wished they were still punishing him. Sometimes, their forgiveness made him feel worse, he just had so much to lose, and the next time he messed up, he didn't think he would be forgiven.
Sirius felt like screaming as his thoughts assaulted him, from Walburga screaming in his head to the hurt on Remus’ face and the betrayal on James’. He slammed his hand into the brick, desperate for release and relishing in the pain that sparked, jolting up his arm. He brought his hand down again and again, trying desperately to empty out the thoughts in his head. But the more he did it, the more panicked he began to feel, because it still didn't feel like enough. The thoughts only seemed to get louder then, urging him on, sounding strangely like his mother, and he choked on a helpless sob, feeling so, so defeated and so, so tired.
~
"I don't know what to do Prongs, he won't even look at me. I'm scared he's going to disappear in front of our eyes. You remember what Regulus said about the night they ran away? He said Sirius was punishing himself through Walburga," Remus stressed, pacing around the dorm, and fiddling with his wand.
"He's with us now, though, Walburga can't hurt him anymore," James said, unfolding the map on his bed to search for Sirius' name. "Sometimes he just needs time to get back to normal. Whatever the dream was, it was bad, but he’ll come back eventually." He reassured, but Remus shook his head, working his jaw and coming to stand next to the bed to look at the map with him.
"He can hurt himself, Prongs, and he has been." He whispered and James snapped his head up to look at him, hazel eyes wide in surprise and concern. Remus squeezed his shoulder continuing, "He's hardly eating, definitely not sleeping, and he won't let us be there for him. That's self-harm, even if it's not in the traditional sense. We have to find a way to get through to him,"
"What about Regulus? Maybe Sirius will listen to him, plus he knows what that house was like. He knows how Sirius’ brain works better than any of us." Peter piped up from his spot on the floor, chewing nervously on a sugar quill.
"Reg says Sirius has been avoiding him too, but it's not a bad idea. At this point, maybe we should be staging an intervention. Force him to talk to us," James raked his hand through his hair, mussing the curls, "There! Why's he at the astronomy tower?" He pointed at the map, brows furrowed in confusion. Remus felt cold suddenly, fear coiling tightly in his gut.
"I'm going to get him," Remus grabbed the map to take with him in case Sirius moved, folding it haphazardly, "James, get Regulus and meet us at the tower, I have a bad feeling about this and we may need backup," Remus explained, grabbing his wand and starting for the door.
"Wait, here," Peter stepped forward to hand Remus one of his soft jumpers, "Sirius is probably freezing up there."
Remus gave him a small smile, taking the jumper from him, "Thanks, Pete."
"We'll be right behind you, Moony," James added, pulling on his shoes. Remus nodded, taking the stairs two at a time as he made his way toward the tower, praying that he was wrong about Sirius.
~
Sirius didn't know how long he had been punching the pavement before his brain went numb and fuzzy, his hand warm and slick with blood. He glanced at the ground, eyeing the distance from the tower, and wondering faintly what it would feel like if he fell off. It wasn't the first time he's had the thought, it was something that plagued him many nights. The idea that he could disappear into nothing has always appealed to him, but he never acted on it, beyond provoking Walburga. It was almost like a game to him, how far could he push her before she just went and killed him? He didn't anticipate the way he almost craved Walburga's punishments on his bad days, he didn't expect to feel like he needed it when his life was so much better at the Potters. How disappointed would they be to see him like this? He escaped from that awful house just to bring Walburga with him in his head. Thinking about the Potters hurt too much, and made him feel too present, so he cast the thought away, focusing instead on the drops of blood that slipped off his hand. He didn't hear the door open, too busy watching the way his blood disappeared over the edge of the railing.
"Pads? What're you doing out here, sweetheart?" Sirius froze when a hand came down on his shoulder, the pleasant numbness that had taken over his mind receding a bit, with the warm touch spreading through him. "Pads?" Sirius shook his head, trying to ignore the way that voice seemed to reach him at sea, calling him back to himself. He didn't want to go back, he wanted to be numb, so Sirius smashed his hand into the ground again, trying to hold onto the feeling. "Sirius, stop," Remus said firmly, wrapping a hand around his wrist, still standing behind him. Sirius shook his head frantically, fighting against Remus' grip.
"No! I want to be numb, let me be numb!" He screamed, starting to thrash as he was dangerously close to the edge. Remus let go of his wrist to wrap his arms around Sirius' torso, dropping his wand and jumper on the ground in the process, and hauling him as far away from the railing as he could while Sirius fought against him. Remus could feel how cold he was through his jumper, shuddering against Remus as his screams dissolved into sobs and his regret, shame, and guilt came flooding back in.
"Shh, it's okay, Sirius, it's okay," He repeated, attempting to calm him, raising his voice to be heard over Sirius' wails, "You're going to be okay, Pads, I promise," Remus looked toward the door as it burst open, engulfed in fear and desperation that crashed upon him in waves. Regulus and James came toward them at a run, both gasping for breath, cheeks flushed bright red from exertion. They must have heard Sirius screaming on their way up to the tower. Regulus looked wrecked, his eyes wild like they had been the night they ran away. He allowed himself only a moment to catch his breath before crashing to his knees in front of his brother, and holding out his hands placatingly as if Sirius was a wild animal.
“Que s’est-il passé? S’il te plaît, Sirius, parle-moi,”Regulus pleaded, eyes going to the blood and raw flesh covering his brother's hand. "Sirius, you have to talk to us, you're scaring me." James crouched next to Regulus, watching Sirius silently with wide eyes, a trembling hand resting on his boyfriend's back.
Sirius shook his head, fat tears streaming down his face as he took in ragged breaths. "I don't want to, I don't deserve it," He sounded shattered, still fighting fruitlessly to get out of Remus' grasp. Remus kept a firm hold on him, scared of what Sirius would do in this state if he let go.
"What don't you deserve, Pads? What do you mean?" James asked, eyes searching his friend's face like he would find an answer in the pained lines of his face.
"I don't deserve your help," Sirius sobbed, exhausting himself and finally sagging into Remus' arms. "But I'm so tired, je voulais juste que ça s'arrête, la douleur fait que ça s'arrête." He whimpered, curling in on himself a bit. Regulus' face crumpled, and he pressed his lips together to keep in his own sob, grabbing Sirius' uninjured hand and holding on tight, needing an anchor. He felt lost at sea, seeing his big brother in so much pain, pain that he'd put on himself.
"What did he say, Reg?" Remus asked, his voice wavering. He loosened his grip a bit when Sirius went limp, and began rubbing at his arms to warm him up. James cast a wordless warming charm over them when he noticed the way Sirius shuddered on every inhale, whether it was from the cold or his distress.
"He said, he wants it to stop, and the pain helps..." He swallowed, nodding towards Sirius' hand, "He's punishing himself." Remus let out a shaky breath, lost for words.
"Why, Pads?" James grabbed his arm suddenly, desperate to understand and even more desperate to fix it.
Sirius stilled in Remus’ arms, quiet for several moments, heaving in breath and feeling the way Remus' heart hammered at his back. He didn't want to talk about this, he didn't want to look up and see Regulus' devastated expression, James' puppy dog eyes, or Remus' indignant anger, but he needed to. They deserved an answer, and each of them was stubborn enough Sirius knew they wouldn't leave him until he gave them one.
He glanced at James first, hesitantly, and for the first time all week, he felt something definitive slot into place, something he hadn't realized he'd missed. James was his very first safe place, his first real home. Sirius felt the fist around his heart ease a little as he met his adoptive brothers' eyes, filled with love and care, home.
It gave him enough courage to speak honestly, with a self-deprecating smile, Sirius said, "You might have forgiven me for everything I've ruined, but I haven't. I... don't know how." He flexed the fingers on his bloodied hand, testing how it felt. Sirius sat up more fully and Remus slowly let him go, still cautious but a bit more confident now that he was less hysterical. "I don't want to hurt the people I love anymore." He admitted quietly, not meeting their eyes.
Remus tapped him on the shoulder until Sirius turned to glance at him too, though he looked away almost immediately, the shame he felt now that he was becoming more lucid was overpowering. He'd been awful to his boyfriend lately, and he wasn't sure how to face it. But Remus caught his chin, forcing Sirius to look at him anyway, though he held him gently, "This hurts, Pads. You hurting like this all alone, hurting yourself, hurts all of us. This isn't the solution, and you were never the problem." Sirius inhaled sharply and squeezed his eyes shut as fresh tears rolled down his cheeks. James was home, but Remus... he was Sirius' heart, the only thing that didn't feel rotten inside of him, and it was so hard to face the way he'd hurt Remus time and again in the past year.
"I'm hurting everyone anyway," He whispered, eyes still shut. He hated how exposed he felt, as if all the wrong in him was on display for the people he tried so hard to hide it from. Remus cupped his cheeks, wiping away the tears as they fell,
"Hey, look at me, Pads," Sirius peeled his eyes open slowly, Remus’ amber eyes were bright and his voice firm. Sirius started to pull away as his brain reminded him he didn’t deserved gentleness. But Remus held him still as he spoke, his other hand resting on Sirius’ hip. "I will gladly love you for every bad day you have, through every nightmare, fear, or mistake. What happened was awful, but you are not. You are wonderful and deserving of our love, that does not change because you're struggling."
"What if I mess up again? What if I don't know how to be good and it's just... part of me?" Sirius babbled anxiously, the words spilling out of his mouth before he could think better of it. "I can't lose everyone again. It's too much, it hurts too much."
"You would rather die than betray Moony, we all know that. We trust you. You won’t ever lose us and it won't happen again." James interjected, his voice full of conviction.
"We all have light and dark within us, Sirius, what matters is what we choose to act on. That's who we are. You taught me that, remember? You made a mistake, and you've suffered under the weight of it long enough." Regulus added quietly, his eyes red-lined and watery from unshed tears. Regulus, his strength, who kept him alive all those years in that awful house, bandaging him up after every punishment, the first person that ever loved him.
Sirius looked at each of them, his home, heart, and strength, the three people he loved most in the world, refusing to turn away from his mess. "We've all forgiven you, sweetheart, it's time to forgive yourself," Remus murmured, tucking some stray hair behind his ear and giving him a firm kiss on his temple.
Remus healed his hand, and tugged the almost forgotten jumper over Sirius' head, smoothing down the wild curls ruffled by the motion. The three boys made him promise to come to one of them when it gets bad, and Remus practically banned him from sleeping by himself, especially when he wasn't feeling well. Regulus pulled his brother into a brief but fierce hug before they parted ways, fisting a hand in his jumper and exhaling harshly. They didn’t speak, but Sirius gave him a tiny smile when he pulled away, nothing needed to be said, he already knew.
Peter greeted them back at the dorm with a spread of food he stole from the kitchens and some candy, the floor covered in soft blankets and pillows. The four boys sprawled on the floor, eating and chatting about mindless things as the sun rose outside, Sirius eventually passing out with his head cushioned in Remus' lap and a small smile on his face.