Chapter 23
Sirius
Sirius puts the guitar back into its stand and flops down on the couch next to Remus. He smiles adoringly at his boyfriend. He’s the luckiest man alive.
He’s also a little bit drunk. Not super drunk, more like buzzed. A heavy buzz. A good buzz. Remus drapes his arm around Sirius’s shoulders and Sirius lets himself be cradled into Remus’s chest. Remus smells good, like whiskey, smoke, and dirt—but in a good way.
“I’m going to be a rockstar someday.” Sirius sighs wistfully.
Remus smiles down at him. “Don’t I know it.”
“And we’ll go on tour together.” Sirius says, getting further into his daydream. “And I’ll write songs for you. I’ll shout them from every stage in the nation—in the world! So everyone knows how wonderful you are.”
Remus kisses the top of his head. “And I’ll be there for every show, making sure you don’t trip on your own amps.”
Sirius pouts in mock offense, but his chest warms at Remus’s words. Remus cares. Remus would travel the world just to make sure Sirius doesn’t bust his nose on a silly stage.
“Thank you, Moony.” Sirius says, looking up into Remus’s soft hazel eyes. “I love you, too.” He reaches up and kisses Remus on the lips.
“Eeeewwwwww! Gross! Get a room!” James taunts as he walks into the room.
Sirius throws a couch cushion at James.
James swats it away easily and drops into an armchair.
“Are you two done howling in here? You’ve been torturing Reg and I for hours!”
Sirius sits up suddenly, nearly knocking Remus’s chin. “You were with Reg? Is he okay?”
The worry and concern that’s been plaguing Sirius for days rushes back. He instantly feels guilty for having forgotten the pickle they’re all in. Regulus is isolated somewhere in obvious distress while Sirius is singing and mooning over his boyfriend. He reaches for the bottle of booze they were drinking from, only to find it empty. He doesn’t remember doing that. He jumps up from the couch to get more.
“Woah! Hey! I’m just having you on, Regulus and I don’t mind much.” James appeases. “It’s good to see you happy for once.”
Remus grabs Sirius’s wrist and tries to pull him back down to the couch.
Sirius loses his balance and topples back into the cushions. Maybe he’s drunker than he thought.
“It’s alright, Pads.” Remus soothes, gently prying the empty bottle from his hand. “Let’s just stay here a while, yeah? Let Regulus have some peace.”
“But he doesn’t need peace!” Sirius yelps. “He needs help! He needs me! What if something happens and I’m not there?”
Remus furrows his brow. “What do you think is going to happen?”
“I don’t know!” Sirius whines. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know what did happen! But if it happens again, I’m going to be there!”
James and Remus make eye contact before James continues cautiously. “Sirius, we’re safe here, you know that, right? Moody gave us all these shields and protection spells, and Dumbledore has his eye on the flat. No one is going to hurt Regulus. She can’t get to him here.”
Anger surges through Sirius. He knows this, of course he knows this, but James doesn’t get it. Remus doesn’t get it. No one gets it. They don’t understand.
“But she is here! She’s always here! She never left!” Sirius cries, his words running together a bit too much.
Remus puts his hand on Sirius’s thigh to calm him. “She’s not here, Sirius. I’m here. James is here. Regulus is here. She isn’t. You’re safe.”
“No, no, no, no!” Sirius yells, standing up from the couch again. “She’s here!” Sirius waves an arm around the room. “And here!” he points to himself. “And here!” he points down the hall to Regulus’s room.
“Sirius—” Remus stands up.
“He’s not safe! He isn’t!” Sirius shouts, grabbing the empty bottle back from Remus.
“Muffliato.” James casts around the room.
Sirius feels the burning rage bubbling inside of him. It feels almost as good as the euphoric joy from a few minutes ago. As he shouts, Sirius’s own wild gestures knock him around off-balance, but he doesn’t care. It feels too good to flail and yell and be mad.
Mad.
He is a Black after all.
“If he were safe, would he be holed up all day not eating, not sleeping, and not talking?” Sirius shouts. “If he were safe, would he be staring at walls and drifting about like damn ghost? Would he be flinching every time we enter a room? Would he be so goddamn scared all the time?”
An uncertain silence follows before James timidly speaks up, “Do you think he’s scared?” he asks quietly.
Sirius throws his arms up in exasperation. “Scared? I think he’s goddamn terrified! He was an heir to the Ancient and Noble House of Black, and now he’s left! Do you have any idea what that’s like?”
Sirius looks at his friends’ faces, so blank, so confused, so lost. Of course they wouldn’t get it. How could they? Sirius has to tell them, he has to make them understand. For Regulus’s sake.
Sirius takes a deep breath, trying to calm his anger from a fierce boil to a manageable simmer.
“We were raised to believe that our family name was everything, and now he’s lost it. Everything he’s ever had, everything he’s ever believed, gone. Reg is probably sitting in there right now just waiting for the world to collapse around him, because that’s what it feels like when you leave the only thing you’ve ever known. Like the whole world is empty, and useless, and so are you. Like there can’t possibly be anything left out there, so why bother? Why try to do anything or be anything when none of it matters anymore?”
The words ring out in their hopelessness. The room is thick with the truth of them.
Remus pulls Sirius into a hug, and Sirius lets him.
“It matters, Sirius.” Remus says, holding him tight. “It all matters. It isn’t over. And I love you.”
James stands from the chair. “Yeah, and I love you too.” He squeezes Sirius’s shoulder.
“I know that, I know” Sirius whines from Remus’s chest. “But Regulus doesn’t.” Sirius picks his head up and sniffs a bit. “He’s still stuck there, in that house. Regulus doesn’t have mates like you to take him in. He doesn’t have an Effie and Fleamont to love him. All he has is me, and I left him. I left him.” His voice cracks ever so slightly at the sentiment.
Remus rubs Sirius’s back and James wraps his arms around the huddle.
“We’re going to help him.” James assures. “We’re going to show him that life isn’t all about coldness and expectations and some stupid family name. It’s so much better than that.”
Sirius almost huffs a laugh. The hug separates, but Remus keeps holding Sirius’s hand, not letting go.
“Regulus still has you.” Remus adds. “He still has you, and he has us. And if anyone knows how to show someone a good time, it’s the Marauders.”