Chapter 1
Remus has been sitting by himself next to the fire place for what felt like hours. He was well beyond buzzed and he had finished the bottle of fire whiskey he had nicked from the drink table. He was watching the party unfold around him. Remus didn’t care much for parties, he didn’t like the noise and how everyone gets sloppy and slur their words as the night goes on. Sirius often tells him he doesn’t know how to have fun, that he needs to learn to let loose. Tonight was no different.
Sirius had been dancing and chatting with Emmaline vance for the better half of the party. He had found Remus sitting with Lily talking about the potions essay that was coming up.
“Hey moony come dance with me and Jamie.”
Sirius had stumbled over, he had a crooked smile and his hair was a bit damp around his forehead. He had taken off his leather jacket that he had been wearing earlier and his eyes were half lidded, pupils dilated.
“I’m rather content here, thanks.”
Remus said, a bit annoyed. He obviously didn’t mean to come off as rude, but watching sirius flirt with Emmaline had left him in a sour mood and the alcohol he had been consuming wasn’t helping.
“come on mooooony please dance with me.” Sirius slurred.
“go ask Emmaline to dance i’m not in the mood.”
Sirius frowned at remus. He opened his mouth and closed it, seeming to not know what to say next. “you know, you need to learn how to actually have fun Remus. You’re rather boring lately.” Sirius then turned around and walked away from Remus.
Remus grumbled and turned to Lily, but froze when he saw the way she was looking at him. It was a weird look, one Remus had only seen once or twice. She was trying to figure something out.
“come on don’t look at me like that.” Remus said.
“Did something happen between you two.” Lily raised her eyebrow in question.
“Wha- no he’s just pissing me off.”
“he’s pissing you off because he wanted to hang out with you…at a party… right.”
“No, he just- I- fuck.”
“Rem what’s wrong.” Lily reached out and put her hand on Remus’s shoulder.
“nothin’” Remus said, trying to turn away from lily. This was not something he wanted to unpack right now.
“are you mad that he’s hanging out with Emmaline?”
“no that’s stupid why would I care.”
“Remus” Lily said, her tone was a bit condescending and Remus knew that she had caught on to him. Remus just looked down at his feet and put his head in his hands. He was not talking about this.
“Remus it’s okay that you fancy Sirius.” Lily whispered.
Remus’s head shot up, he looked around to see if anyone was near, if anyone heard. “Lily what the fuck, you can’t- don’t just-“
“Hey shhh Remus it’s okay, you’re okay, nobody is listening to us.” she said, rubbing Remus’s arm trying to calm him. “You can admit it you know, the world isn’t going to explode or anything.” She said with a small giggle.
Remus groaned and threw his head into his hands again.
“Lily what do I do, what could I possibly do about this situation.” his words were muffled under his fingertips.
Lily signed and rested her hand back on Remus’s shoulder. “I don’t know, I really don’t know Rem, I wish I could help you.”
Remus looked up at her and smiled. “I know Lils, I know.” They sat in silence for a bit until Remus whispered, “thank you.” Lily just patted him on the back and got up.
“alright no more moping at this party Remus Lupin, you are going to show Sirius that you can have fun, and that you are not even the slightest bit boring.”
That is how remus ended up next to the fire place, the drunkest he’s ever been. Ever.
Remus was somehow convinced to dance on the table, take a shot out of one of the Prewett’s shoes, and chug a butter beer with Marleen. He doesn’t really remember how most of that even happened, but it is all part of the new, fun Remus.
“Hey there party man” James sat down next to Remus.
“Jameeeeees” Remus smiled and threw his arms around his friend.
“woahhh hey there bud, you seem to be in a good mood.”
“am now that you’re here”
“you flatter me Lupin” James says.
“where is Sir’us” Remus, disregarding the middle half of his friends name in his drunken state.
“with Emmaline last I saw him, always a laddies man that one.“ James said
“jamessss i have a secret to tell you.” Remus lifted up his right index finger and smooshed it rather aggressively into James’s lips.
James laughed and batted Remus’s hand away. “well aren’t you just full of secrets Lupin.“ James gave him a goofy grin. His hair was messier than usual, it seemed almost every strand was sticking up in a different direction. “what’s up mate?” James asked after a moment.
“I shouldn’t say.” Remus frowned
“come on mate make up your mind, i thought you wanted to share.” James nudged him with his shoulder.
“You would hate me, and I would have to leave Hogwarts.” Remus said sadly.
“I do hope you remember that you’ve already told us you are a werewolf, because I seem to remember you saying the same exact thing 2nd year. And id like to remind you that nothing will ever make us hate you mr.moony. Marauders honor” James held his right hand to his heart and lifted the other one in the air.
“Noooo Prongsss that is not what I needed to tell you.” remus jabbed his finger accusingly into James chest.
All of a sudden Marleen, Peter, Mary and Lily appeared next to Remus and James.
“Okay Lupin you’ve been sitting here long enough, get your ass up and dance with us.” Mary said, holding out her hand expecting Remus to take it.
Remus smiled up at his friends forgetting all about what he was telling James, taking Mary’s hand.
“You too Potter.” Lily called over her shoulder as they all started walking to the dance floor. James jumped up from the couch faster than he’s ever moved in his entire life, tripping over his feet trying to catch up to the group, but only Marleen noticed. She just rolled her eyes and snickered at James.
The group had been dancing to about half of the ABBA soundtrack when Remus started stumbling around, bumping into the people behind him. He fell over and had to grab onto Peter for balance, almost taking them both out.
“sorry mmm’ drunk Pete.” Remus giggled into Peter’s ear as he gained his balance.
Remus felt a hand come down hard on his left shoulder, he turned to look.
“Remus, I think you’ve had enough fun for tonight, you need to go upstairs.” Sirius said very sternly.
“Sir’us!! I’ve been” hiccup “ I’ve been lookin for you.” Remus said with a sloppy grin.
“Merlin who let you drink this much, the full is tomorrow and you need to be prepared.” Sirius whispered.
Remus frowned up at him “you said I was no fun, so I went and had fun, and now you’re mad at me because I am having fun?” Remus said shoving him off.
“No Rem, no, look I didn’t mean what I said, you’re very fun. Always fun. I just don’t want you to be in too much pain tomorrow.” Sirius put his hands back on Remus’s shoulder. Remus looked down, really noticing this time. Sirius was crowded up behind Remus and when he talked Remus could feel his breath hot on his neck.
“why would I be in pain tomorrow?”
“Remus, your furry little problem. I do hope you haven’t forgotten about that.”
“Oh” Remus frowned. “I don’t wanna be a werewolf anymore.” Remus slurred. “It hurts.”
Sirius and James shared a sad look.
“I know Remus, I know.” Sirius put his hand on Remus’s shoulder. He sighed and leaned into the touch.
“Why don’t you take him up to bed Pads. He’s had a lot to drink.” James said to Sirius.
“Alright yea, come on big boy let’s get you to the dorm.” Sirius patted Remus twice in the shoulder and turned to lead the way.
“need helllp.” Remus wined
Sirius sighed but grabbed Remus by the arm and slung it over his shoulder. They walked across the common room and up the stairs to the dorm. Sirius trudged through the door and as soon as he closed it behind them, Remus peeled himself off of Sirius and fell to the floor, sprawling out. He was giggling and looking up at Sirius.
“Remus come on get up, stop messing around.”
Sirius went to reach down and pick Remus back up but he resisted.
“you think i’m annoying.” Remus whined.
“I don’t think you’re annoying, I just think you’re drunk and you need to go to sleep.” Sirius slurred a bit. Remus realized he was also drunk.
“You can go back down and talk to Emmaline.” Remus spit out her name, like it tasted bad. “You don’t have to stay here i’m fine i’ll just go for a smoke.” Remus tried to get up off the floor but he didn’t even make it to his knees before he fell onto his back again in a fit of giggles.
“who? What? Oh, Rem no I’ll stay here, I want to hang out with you.”
“mm” Remus grunted, but Sirius just sat down on the floor, resting his back on the leg of his bed.
Sirius had gotten up and grabbed Remus’s cigarette stash and they had been passing cigarettes back and forth for about 20 minutes, in silence listening to the muffled music from the common room. Remus felt himself sobering up a bit, but he was still incredibly pissed. He finally sat up and rested his back against Sirius’s bed, a few inched from the other boy. Their hands layed out next to them, their pinky’s centimeters apart.
Sirius broke the silence
“Emmaline’s very pretty isn’t she.” he said.
Remus felt a punch in his gut. Of course Sirius would think she’s pretty. He’s been flirting with her and spending more and more time with her recently. He would want to date her. He should date her. Remus has always known that Sirius Black would never feel the same way Remus does towards him. He’s known since 2nd year, when Sirius started making stupid jokes about, oh that’s gay, oh you’re a fag and so on. He’s know since Sirius has gone around kissing every girl that has looked at him since 4th year.
Remus has known since last month when him and Remus had to run full speed into a broom closet to get away from filch, and they tripped, falling on top of each other. Sirius had shoved Remus off so fast that Remus hadn’t even registered the fact that he had fallen yet. Sirius didn’t talk to him the whole way back to the dorm. He knows that Sirius black would not like him because he is a boy.
“are you and Emmaline.. like…a thing now or..” Remus said quietly.
“NO” Sirius said immediately. “I just was asking if you thought she was pretty.”
“oh, uhm I guess, like objectively. She’s not really my type.” Remus said
“what is your type?” Sirius said, his head was turned to Remus and he could smell the alcohol on his breath. Sirius was breathing deep, his chest rising up and down. His eyes were searching Remus’s face. Remus looked down, when had their hands gotten that close? Their pinky’s were practically touching. Sirius saw where remus was looking and picked up his pinky, he then tentatively crossed it over Remus’s. Remus’s breath hitched and he snapped his head up, eyes wide looking at Sirius.
Remus couldn’t tell what Sirius was thinking, his eyes were a little wide but there was an expression on his face that Remus had never seen before. If he could guess he would say he seemed almost scarred. All of a sudden, Sirius brought his other hand up and placed it on Remus’s knee. They met eyes again, but Remus didn’t move. Slowly, Sirius started moving his hand, Inching inwards and up on Remus’s thigh, so so slowly. They both kept their eye contact, and their breathing was picking up.
“sir-“
“shhh, moons it’s ok, it’s- shhh” Sirius stuttered.
Remus gulped, but kept his mouth shut. He would do this. He would give Sirius anything, he thinks. They shouldn’t be doing this, but Remus is a fool if he even entertains the idea of stopping Sirius. He is a sad, weak man. but oh, this beautiful boy is touching him, and it’s all he’s ever wanted really. and who is he to deny himself this. Maybe for once he can be selfish, and he’s just giving Sirius what he wants isn’t he? Sirius started this, he’s drunk and when Sirius is drunk he always goes home with a girl. Remus is no girl but he is here, and Sirius seems to want this, so if Sirius only ever wanted Remus when he wasn’t sober, Remus would let him, he would give himself up for the boy in front of him.
Remus slowly turned his body towards Sirius, stretching his legs out straight. Sirius took this as an opportunity to wrap his hands around Remus’s belt and unbuckle it. He pulled it through the loops and tossed it somewhere behind him. His hands found Remus’s pants button, but he stopped, looking up at Remus. His eyes were dark and hungry. Remus nodded and let out a small wine, lifting himself off the ground slightly, giving Sirius more room to take off his pants. Sirius pulled back and ripped off his shirt, and Remus followed. Remus sat there, awkwardly on the floor in his boxers. He was resisting the urge to pull his legs up to cover himself, instead he took his arms and wrapped them around his torso. Sirius was still in his jeans as he reached out and pried Remus’s hands away, he started tracing his fingers over Remus’s scars one by one. It was probably the single most intimate thing Remus had ever experienced, and the thought alone made him want to cry. This was not real.
“you are so gorgeous.” Sirius whispered. Remus almost didn’t hear it.
Remus looked up at him, and when their eyes met, Sirius lunged forward and smashed their lips together. Remus gasped into his mouth, and quickly matched Sirius’s pace. Sirius was sat on top of Remus now, and Remus’s back was digging quite uncomfortably into the wooden bed, but he didn’t care. Sirius slipped his tongue into Remus’s mouth a groaned. It was the most beautiful sound Remus thinks he’s ever heard. Sirius was grinding down on Remus rather aggressively, making it hard for Remus to kiss him back. Sirius suddenly pulled back and started working at his belt. He had gotten down to his boxers and crawled back on top of Remus. He was hard. Sirius’s hand suddenly palmed Remus through his boxers, and Remus gasped and pulled back from Sirius’s lips. Sirius took this opportunity to suck on Remus’s neck. They were both panting, Sirius ground down on Remus once again, and this time, Remus felt himself on the edge. He was so overwhelmed, with Sirius’s weight on him and his lips and his panting. Remus cried out, and a few seconds later, Sirius followed suit.
Sirius rolled off of Remus and they sat side by side, panting. Remus noticed Sirius flinch away when their shoulders brushed. He frowned.
“got uh- a bit carried away there don’t you think.”
“right.” Remus said, there was no emotion in his voice.
Sirius stood up, grabbed his clothes and walked straight to the bathroom without saying anything more. Remus sat in the floor, starting at the wall in front of him. his eyes started to fill up and he cursed, throwing his shirt as hard as he could against the wall. It didn’t make it very far. He felt his eyes fill with water, and a tear ran down his right cheek. He wiped it away angrily. Sirius is going to hate him. He hates Sirius.
He sighs, he can’t blame him, Remus knew what he was getting himself into. He just shouldn’t have dragged Sirius down this hole with him. He was drunk and probably didn’t even really realize it was Remus he was with. He didn’t fancy having to face Sirius when he left the bathroom, so he changed his boxers, put on a shirt, and fell into his bed. He was beyond confused, angry, and exhausted. Sleep found him quickly.