Part VII
Lily
Rain patters on the roof but that’s not what has her feeling so at peace. It’s louder on the roof than it has been before, it must be pouring. Lily got up hours ago, couldn’t sleep so she opted to move around. There was a light on in the other house, she couldn’t tell if it was left on, if someone couldn’t sleep, or if someone was up ungodly early. Usually she would go over and see, in hopes to just hang out with whoever was awake.
It was raining though, and they weren’t exactly up for walking through the cold rain to possibly not find anyone even awake. So she sat by the window and traced the droplets down the glass until her eyes started to droop again. No one made any signs of getting up any time soon, and when she entered her, new, bedroom, Dorcas was fast asleep still.
Which brings them to now, happily curled into their arms listening to the rain instead of watching it. Resting, not sleeping. Despite the lack of sleep, Lily is content and calm. A feeling that is more often foreign to them than not. It’s a safe space now. Nothing can get to them here. Dorcas shifts slightly in their sleep but they still don’t wake. They are nearing when everyone will be waking up now, hours after Lily, but with the rain there’s hardly anything to do.
As expected, the sound of footsteps eventually rings through from the hall. Either Marlene or Mary must be awake now. It’s just them left in this cabin. After getting used to packing a few others in, the past two nights have been strange. It’s eerily more quiet. Which really doesn’t make any sense, it’s not like James made that much noise. Though Peter snores, which could be heard ever so slightly throughout the cabin.
“Are you up?” A voice come through the door, as if pressed up against it. “Lily? Cas?”
Begrudgingly, they pry themself out of Dorcas’ arms and walk to the door. First throwing the duvet back over them fully. They crack the door just enough to slip out. “What is it Marls?”
“Oh, nothing really. Just making the rounds to see if anyone is up. Checking in.” She waves her hand flippantly in the air.
“You sure that’s all?”
“Yeah, don’t worry about it. Mary is still asleep by the way. I think I’m gonna go over and see everyone at the other cabin.” Marlene doesn’t look directly at her when saying any of it, more so talking out loud than to her.
“I’ll come with you, just let me grab a jumper first.” Quietly Lily ducks back into the room and grabs the first jumper she sees. To her delight, it’s Dorcas’ and it still smells a bit like them from when they had it on last night. “Okay, ready.”
“You didn’t have to come.” They frown slightly.
“I thought about going over hours ago. I couldn’t sleep.”
“You’re not getting enough sleep.”
Lily breathes out, she knows this. It’s been a bit easier, but still rough. “I know. None of us are getting enough sleep I don’t think. It’s summer hols though, so it’s really to be expected.”
“Most people our age lose sleep because they’re out partying, not worrying over if everyone is alive you know.”
“Well… It is what it is.” They shrug, this is just how it is, there’s no use in pointing out that it should be different. They know that.
All of them would like for it to be different of course, but it’s not. So they just keep going. At least Sirius seems to be on the up swing. He’s talking to James again and letting everyone in. More than they were before. It’s been a bit since everyone was all together. That’s harder than seeing anyone individually, which Lily understands. It can be a lot sometimes. So no one pushes, though they are itching for things to get back to normal.
Somehow they luck out and the rain is more like mist as they walk over. It’s weird that they have been here for so long and only have just more than a week left. It feels like they have lived an entire lifetime since the summer started. They sort of have. Nothing will be the same when they get back after this. For better or worse. Lily was already prepared for that, running from her own problems with Petunia, knowing that it wouldn’t ever be how it was when she got back.
That doesn’t make it easier. No one else was prepared for the shift. It’s already happening. They just all have to figure out how it will be. Building everything again from the ground up. Taking better care of each other. Making sure no one slips through the cracks. Not necessarily a lesson she thought would be needed for them, they have always loved each other, everyone in the group. But sometimes just love isn’t enough. It doesn’t solve everything just knowing that it is there.
Sometimes you need more. Lily is trying to get better at that. At knowing when she needs more and how to ask for it, which will never be easy. She’s not going to fool herself into thinking that. And she doesn’t expect it to be easy for anyone else either. The best she can do is lean on her friends and try not to hide her emotions.
As for being a better friend, she knows she can do that too. Checking in more and pressing when it seems like anyone isn’t telling the truth. But also knowing when to leave it until they are ready. It’s not just Sirius either, sure they are the most obvious example of their friends needing to take better care of each other, but it’s all of them. If you look close enough there are cracks everywhere. Just waiting to burst at the seams. Barely held together.
It happened with her, it’s bound to happen with others too. No one is ever as okay as they seem or they say they are. Though sometimes the most anyone can do is be there to catch each other when they fall. Not everything can be prevented. It’s not easy, that much is certain. Lily also knows how much she loves her friends and how much they mean to her, so she’ll do anything for them.
The other cabin is quiet, just as they suspected it would be. The same light Lily saw on in the early hours of the morning is still glowing. Maybe someone just forgot to turn it off. It doesn’t matter much, Marlene and her let themselves in and settle onto the sofa. There are more windows here in the bigger cabin, showing off the gloomy day ahead of them. The trees wilt slightly under the weight of the rain and the lake seems to have a constant ripple. It’s peaceful.
“Doesn’t look like anyone is awake here either. Just us.”
“It’s still early. Let everyone have a lie in today.”
“Says you.” Marlene playfully scoffs. “Mind if I call my brother while we’re waiting?”
She waves them on, words caught in her throat. It doesn’t have to be a whole thing. Lily is capable of hearing her friends talk about their siblings without losing it. Without feeling like her chest is caving in. It’s not their fault, it’s just how it is. No one is intentionally trying to make it harder for her. But maybe that’s part of it, no one is avoiding it either. No one is thinking about how it could make Lily feel. Should they be doing that?
Marlene talks quietly into the phone, she’s talking to her eldest younger brother she thinks. Something about packing for uni or just uni in general. At least that’s what it sounds like from the half of the conversation she can hear. It’s not important to Lily, but it is important to them. An older sibling helping to guide a younger. She would never stand in the way of that when that’s what she clung to Petunia for as she grew up.
The first door to open catches their attention. James looks tired, eyes heavy behind their glasses. For a moment they don’t notice that anyone else is up and there. That’s obvious. As soon as he looks up and sees them, his demeanor changes. Snapping alive, face a bit lighter, shoulders dropping. He shuts the door again behind him, meaning Regulus is still asleep, and comes over to join them.
“What are you doing over here?”
Lily wants to turn it back on him, ask why he looked exhausted and why he’s put on a front.
“Cas and Mary are still asleep, figured we would come over and see if anyone is up. I was going to suggest also since it’s a rainy day so maybe another pillow fort and movie. If everyone is up for it.” Marlene answers instead.
They’ll try to get something out of James later. Now that they noticed it, the face behind his mask, they’re not letting it go. Isn’t that what taking care of each other means? Making sure or checking in even when they say they’re okay. Maybe he really is just tired, nothing more, which is okay and would be good. But Lily isn’t going to let anyone else fall through the cracks. They’re not going to let anyone else slip silently away because no one dared to push a little bit.
“Good with me. I think my parents are leaving today, so maybe after they head out?”
“They’re leaving? We only have a week left, they would be welcome to stay through the end.”
“I think they want to go back. Besides, we’ve got Sirius and they are why they came up anyway. They might also try to find a psychologist back home for them to start going to.”
That all makes sense. For days Sirius didn’t even talk to the Potters, any of them. They were starting to get better with just Regulus and Remus, but now with all of their friends again they can keep going. Keep getting better. He’s a bit hesitant with everything he says, like there is more there. Still, Lily doesn’t push now, it’s not the time.
His parents have been a big help, they always are. They know how to be a good presence for all of them. At the beginning of the trip, maybe some of them would have seen it as an imposition to have parents along. But things changed, the trip as a whole changed, everything was different. Still is a bit, but maybe they can make the last week better. Something close to what it should have been and having Effie and Monty, well that wouldn’t be the same. It’s really up to James and Sirius if they want them here still though.
“That’s good then.” She nods along. “What do you think about making breakfast for when everyone else gets up?”
With the change in subject, it’s lighter. Sometimes it’s harder to fix what might actually be wrong, but distracting from it can be enough. For a time. For the moment. James doesn’t look to just be faking a smile, they’re happy to get up and make pancakes for everyone. They jump into action and find everything they need. Luckily having all ingredients and no one needs to run to the store in the rain.
It’s a quiet breakfast making affair. Needing to keep their voices down to not wake anyone, not having music playing in the background either. But it’s still enjoyable. Lily takes the lead, while James and Marlene stand of to the side waiting to be given something to do. Pancakes aren’t exactly a three person job, so the two of them spend most of it making each other laugh. She’s not annoyed at all, even if she ends up doing all the work. It’s hard to be annoyed at anyone for laughing given all that has happened recently.
They make sure to text Dorcas that they are over here and to come when they wake up, which could be in five minutes or two hours. Before everything is done Lily also texts Mary what’s happening, and she is already awake, responding almost immediately that she’ll be over in a few minutes. Just as the last of the pancake batter is poured, Peter’s door flies open.
“Pancakes?”
“Yeah Pete, come help with plates.” Marlene laughs.
It’s light and easy and the best anything has felt in so long. Even Regulus doesn’t have a pout on his face when he emerges and goes straight to James. Neither of them help with setting anything up, instead Regulus pushes himself up and onto the counter right next to him, still looking half asleep, but content with being here. Somehow perfectly fitting into the
The first thing he mumbles, directly to James and barely audible is “Coffee?”, which is promptly repeated louder by James, as if it would simply materialize. When it doesn’t, he pulls away from him to make it, now plastering a pout on his face.
He’s settled into the group quite well over the weeks, at the start no one would have expected this. It’s especially surprising that they have fallen back into whatever they are after the freezing James out thing. Regulus never seemed like the type to forgive, let alone forgive quickly, but everyone has surprises. It makes it easier on everyone else now that they can all be together again. The biggest variable right now is Sirius, who right on cue walks out of their room with Remus in tow.
“Morning Sirius!” Peter is the first to address him, he’s been on the outskirts of everything recently so it’s a welcome thing. Makes it easier to see everyone melding back together.
“… Good morning?” They rub at their eyes with a confused look.
“Pancakes!” James answers.
“Mmmm. Pancakes.” Sirius nods content.
Remus detaches from him and goes to one of the cabinets pulling out a pill bottle. He finds a most-likely-clean glass to fill with water before going back to him with it all. In the beginning they were more resistant, but it’s been a bit since they started on the meds and must have gotten better with it. They only roll their eyes and sigh before taking them. A stark improvement, no complaints. Lily looks away quickly, not wanting them to think everyone is staring, but she finds that it wasn’t just her. Regulus, James, even Marlene and Peter were watching too.
“Coffee?” Sirius asks after swallowing, sounding the exact same as his brother did minutes ago.
“Food first.” Regulus cuts in, no longer mumbling.
“But,”
“No.
“Fine.” They huff and sink back into Remus.
At least that seems to be going well. Or well enough. Better than before maybe, at least they aren’t acting as if there is nothing more than friendship there. Naturally her mind shifts to Dorcas, who she wishes would wake up and come over. She’s gotten used to them always being around. Perhaps a mistake, but she can’t help it. They make things easier, they can put her at ease like no one else, even when she’s on edge. They calm her heart just as much as they make it race.
The door opens and instead it's Mary who walks through. Lily has gotten better about not losing the brave face she puts on. The smile from her lips doesn’t drop this time when she sees her friend instead of Dorcas. Because really she is still happy to see her. she always will be. It's Mary. They have been friends for years now and she couldn't imagine life without her.
That’s the thing, Dorcas is newer. Not necessarily brand new, it hasn't been that long that they have had each other and definitely less time of being the close that they are, but Mary was still there first. To Lily she knows that Mary will still be there no matter what happens with Dorcas. So she can be and is happy to see her instead of them.
She comes in and already has a smile on her face with the smell of pancakes wafting sweetly through the cabin. She falls in with everyone else and has a smile resting on her lips. Lily looks around and knows that Cas is the only one missing. If it weren't raining she would be more tempted to and probably actually would go back over to get them.
But it's raining even harder now, evident by Mary brushing droplets of rain off her sleeves, though her hair is perfect because she likely covered it walking over. It would be so much to go back out, so she'll give it ten more minutes. By then everyone will be deep into breakfast and talking to each other than they won't notice that they left. No one would tease them about running after Dorcas who still hasn't kissed them. It's not pining, not really. It's different than that. It's just them taking things slow. Or something like that.
That’s what they tell themself over and over again. Lily will do that til she’s blue in the face no matter how long it takes. They will be more than this one day. Some days it seems like they already are. They are much touchier with Lily than anyone else, that must mean something. They equally want to be near each other every chance they get.
She finishes laying the food out for breakfast as everyone else talks mindlessly. Moving swiftly around the kitchen to busy herself, weaving through her friends that are occupying themselves. It’s been days since they were all together. It was necessary to give everyone the space they need, but it’s still nicer like this. even Sirius where she is currently perched on the counter seems to be enjoying it. Every time they can Lily looks over to check in, meeting their eyes more than once. It seems genuine, she hopes it is.
Hands grab onto their waist. Catching her by surprise, she jumps with the contact. She quickly settles into it, knowing the feeling of the hands, knowing the spark living between them. Dorcas spins her around to be facing each other.
And maybe they were wrong about needing a perfect moment, or this just is a perfect moment.
Dorcas presses the lightest kiss, lighter than a feather, on their lips. A quick hello, Lily’s favorite hello. “Hi,” She adds.
“Hey Red, you could have woken me.”
“I know, but it was far too early.” Then in a hushed tone, feeling confident enough to say, “Plus you looked too cute to disturb you in your sleep.”
“Mmmm I bet I do.” They smile and drop their hands letting her go.
The sound of everyone else’s chatter comes back and reminds Lily that they are surrounded right now. Not living in a perfect bubble with Dorcas. Which would be quite lovely, though she would miss everyone else. Happily she can settle for having all of her people close. No matter what.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Remus
He doesn’t make it a big deal that Sirius is having a good day with everyone again. It would do more harm to point it out. Just in general, he knows how they can get, but also because it surprises him that they handle Effie and Monty leaving pretty well. They talk to them for a while, off away from the rest of them, but they don’t ask them to stay any longer. There’s so little time left anyway, they’ll see them soon.
Together, along with James, they stand in the driveway as the car is packed and getting ready to leave now that the rain has cleared. “Remember your promise, honey.”
“I will. Every night.” Sirius nods to her and stretches their arm out, pinky sticking out high. “Pinky promise.”
“You know that’s the highest form of a promise, mum.”
“Oh I know, I was the one who taught you that. You can’t break a pinky promise.”
“I won’t.” Their smile softens, dropping just enough for him to take notice.
The car pulls out and it’s almost as if things are back to how they were earlier in the summer. Not quite, but almost. Nothing can every be the same again. Remus isn’t even sure he wants that, there was too much hidden under the surface then. He isn’t glad any of this happened, it makes him sick to think about that night. But at the same time he’s glad that things were forced to change. For the better.
They’re starting to get back to being able to talk about other things. He’s no longer having to watch over Sirius taking their meds every morning and night. He still checks that they have, either by asking or looking at the pill organizer and bottle. He isn’t exactly proud of the latter way of going about it. It’s something he’s pretty sure Regulus would do and some days he has been overbearing. Enough so that Remus is ready to jump to their defense.
He doesn’t, it would only bring more attention to it. They’re trying to stray away from that. No need to make Sirius and how they are or if they’ve taken their meds the center of attention or the topic of every conversation. It will still come up anyway, the least they can do is try.
Once the Potters are gone and everyone settles back into sitting in the cabin, the boredom seems to settle in around them easily. Making itself at home. “Alright we have just about a week left, what are we gonna do with it?” Marlene breaks the silence.
It’s directed at the group. Everyone still focuses on Sirius, wanting to make sure their voice is heard. But at the same time, not forcing everything on them. They did so much early on and not many of them showed that they were grateful. Remus didn’t either, not enough. It’s not his proudest moment. He’s better about it now, he’s determined to be.
“I was thinking we need at least one more good lake day just in the water, but today isn’t warm or nice enough. So never mind that idea…” James’ voice comes through but fades by the end of his sentence.
“Arts and crafts!” Lily then suggests.
Half of them nod, it’s a good idea. A few people roll their eyes but don’t protest. Remus agrees with both, he’s not very artistically talented, but he’ll participate. He knows this will be good for Sirius. They’ll enjoy doing it, so he will too. With that there is a flurry of people moving things around, cleaning up the kitchen at record speed, pulling things out of bags and cabinets. All to end up with six different options of crafts laid out on the floor in front of the sofa.
There’s even a scrapbook ready to be filled. Along with canvases and paint, Sirius’ sketchbook, coloring books, string, and a pile of something that he can’t make out. Where it all came from or who went to get this, Remus has no idea. But Sirius seems content to slide to the ground with their back leaning on the sofa and flipping open their sketchbook. He wants to lean over and see what they are working on, but he doesn’t. If Sirius wants to show him later he will.
The way time passes when they are all together like this is different. It’s enjoyable. Everyone is able to fall into easy conversation with each other instead of dancing around on eggshells trying not to upset anyone. Next to him, Sirius lets the tension in their shoulders go, allowing themself to relax. Their pencil swirls around the page while they are only half paying attention to it.
Supplies are passed back and forth among the ones who want to participate, and the ones who don’t are for the most part sitting with someone who does. So they put up with it. Regulus gets up, earning him a slight pout from James, but lets go of his hand when he sees that he’s only eyeing the remote to put a movie on. Something for the rest of them.
James settles back down, he’s directly across from him. He won’t meet Remus’ gaze, he’s been looking down for a while now. Either that or over at Sirius. Or Regulus. Checking to see if they are okay, just being there for them to lean on. Remus wants to go over and push them to let go of control a bit. Everyone, at least right now, is okay. Sirius is improving most days, or staying the same. It would be too much to expect them to constantly get better after this.
When he’s not paying attention, James’ face drops. His eyes look tired, everything about them looks moments away from falling apart. He almost thinks he makes it up, what he’s seeing. The second Regulus is back and settling in to sit tucked under James’ arm, the weariness is gone. It doesn’t fade, it just disappears like that. They’re back to normal in less than a second. So Remus must be imagining it, worrying over everyone. Worrying that someone else will fall apart if they aren’t careful.
He knows that is what it is. He’s constantly worrying over Sirius and if he’s sure they are okay, then it’s projected onto someone else. Is it a healthy thing to do? Definitely not. It’s just how it is right now. But everyone has someone watching over them and everyone has someone to talk to. After this their whole group knows how important it is to just talk to each other.
At least they’re enjoying the last few days before they have to leave. Not making light of what has happened, not trying to write over it, just trying to keep going. Next to him Sirius is happily sketching. Half leaning on him, as they tend to be doing these days. They are no longer hiding what their pencil or pen scribbles. Secretly that makes Remus feel better. He just wishes he wasn’t always looking over their shoulder keeping an eye on them.
It’s not going to go away. He’s not naive enough to think that. Some days are still a struggle. And some are even more than that. Maybe they always will be. He hates that, but he loves them. It’s just how it is. Remus needs to keep going and not let it get to him. Easier said than done, but he can manage. Anything for them. They aren’t hiding and dealing with their bad days alone now either, which is a step in the right direction.
Across the room Mary is knitting, or maybe it’s crochet, he’s not too sure. But Marlene is sitting with her talking in hushed voices. Something doesn’t seem quite right over there either. Or maybe he’s also reading into that too much. It’s hard to keep everything straight in his mind anymore. Everything starts to get a bit fuzzy. All his focus goes toward Sirius. That’s the one thing he can’t afford to mess up or let slip.
Aside from that fact, Sirius wouldn’t let him think of anything else for very long anyway. As usual, as expected, they get up and pull him away from the group after awhile. Not all that long really, and no one questions it. They all just think he needs a minute, needs a breather.
Remus knows that’s not exactly what it is. They… hmm, what’s a good way to put it? They are even more frequently in the mood to have sex as of late. They’re horny and using sex when they shouldn’t. There is definitely something not great about this form of coping, but that’s to deal with later on. He just wants to give them whatever they want right now. As long as it keeps them alive and breathing and trying. He won’t dare upset them.
“You okay?” He ventures this territory carefully.
“Mmm sure. Just a little…” Sirius sighs as they shut the bedroom door behind them. “I don’t know, overwhelmed. Need a break. Something like that.”
“Do you want me to stay with you? We can stay as long as you like, and go back whenever or not at all.” It’s hard to know the right thing to say, he still doesn’t know what he needs and he is simply trying to redirect.
He shushes him gently and pulls Remus. Right to his chest, hands clambering to grab hold of him. Tightening his grip, yanking him down to meet his mouth. His suspicions are confirmed that Sirius needs this kind of break. The thing with this is, it helps for a time and Remus is powerless to deny them this. He never wants to. Even at times when they are fighting and barely speaking, if Sirius wants him even just in this way, he takes the opportunity.
It’s just that this is not sustainable. When they start talking to someone again while they work on getting better and developing coping skills, this will not be something a therapist is going to approve of. They may even say it’s bad for them and Remus just doesn’t want it to get to that point. Sometimes is okay, but not always. For the rest of the summer, just this week, he’s not going to say anything. He would much rather his mouth be busy with other things and he thinks that Sirius is in agreement.
The kisses are hungry. Attacking him and swallowing him whole in the best way possible. He will let Sirius devour him, no questions asked. It’s exactly what he’s wanted for so long. They pepper their lips along his jaw and down his neck. Settling at his collar bone. He moans into it, he can’t help it. This spurs them on, they’re quick to pull away so his shirt can come off. At the same time they are fumbling with the button of his pants to pull them down.
He barely has time to think before Sirius is on their knees and tying their hair back. Remus is ready, physically that is. He doesn’t blame them for taking that as a sign to lock their lips around him, but he should be better than this. Something feels off about it and he’s meant to be the one taking care of them.
Not in this way specifically, though there is plenty of that too. He should be checking in better, he shouldn’t be benefiting from their over eager sex drive instead of doing something helpful. His body twitches in pleasure, but he can’t stop the thoughts running through his mind. It’s a contradiction. The way his hips thrust as he wishes he could cradle them gently until everything feels less daunting. Oh no maybe he’s awful for this.
“Sirius…” He half moans, half protests.
Sirius looks up, stress filling his eyes. “What is it?”
“I just— nothing. Sorry it’s nothing. Continue this later?” Is he any better for hiding his own thoughts? It’s for their benefit after all.
“You sure? I’m enjoying this, I don’t mind finishing you off.”
How bad is it if he gives in? “Alright if you want.”
“Mmmm, yeah. Then you’re gonna tell me whatever has you flipping between hard and soft this whole time. Push it away for now, let me work.” He adds hypocritically.
He’s fucked. Well and truly fucked. They’re just impossible not to love and impossible not to take every opportunity to be close to. How do they not get that he feels that way? How could it have ever seemed different? Remus goes weak any time they look at him, has for years. Their friends tease him about it when Sirius isn’t around.
He can’t get out of it. He understands why they would brush things off and skip over talking about them. It’s hard to actually talk, it’s not very fun either when there are better things to say and do. But this time he has to be an example. A good one. Show that he can say they’ll talk and actually do it. There’s just no telling what Sirius is going to do in response. He hopes they don’t shut down, it would kill him to watch them retreat in again.
“Spit it out.” They lazily flop on the bed as they direct him.
Remus settles next to them and sighs. “What’s bothering you?”
“I asked you first.”
“And that’s what I’ve been thinking. I’m not deflecting. That’s the thing that you do, if you forgot.”
“Oh I know. You don’t have to explain that to me. Just wanted a shag is all.”
“So if I had said no, would you have gone to grab someone else?”
“And what if I would?”
He knows they are doing anything possible to get under his skin. Even knowing that doesn’t make it easier. It just works, it always does. It riles him up and he can’t bring his own temper down. They know exactly how to make him be the one to get angry. All while keeping a straight face. Even a smirk sometimes. They know exactly what they are doing and this time he’s not going to give in.
“You wouldn’t. So just tell me what’s really wrong. What are you distracting yourself from?”
“The distraction worked, I no longer care.” They throw the words through the air, hoping this excuse lands. Hoping that sex as a coping mechanism is acceptable. It’s not, as much as he indulges them.
“Try again.”
“Noticed something.” Sirius starts to mumble. Clearly annoyed that he’s not getting his way. “Reminded me of the same thoughts that are always nagging in my head. Didn’t want to think about it.”
“Can we talk about it now? Might help and then we can figure out what could make this better right now, and how we can work on stopping it before it comes the next time.”
That hangs between them. He hasn’t been so direct, so authoritative before. He has to take control of it somehow and this is the best way. When it’s just them, none of this between them, they can both bare their teeth and know that it will be okay. Right now he feels laid out naked for all to see, having to show his own emotions and identify his own failures in order to help her.
She has to do it too. They both know this, it’s the only way for it to work. At least she goes along with it now, begrudgingly so, but it’s better than a week ago when they wouldn’t dare talk about their feelings unless they had to.
“The scrapbook. That’s what did it.”
“Did what? Baby you have to tell me so I can understand, I can’t read your mind.”
They quip back, and normally it’s witty and has some bite. This time they sound like they are holding broken glass. “Good, I wouldn’t want you to see anything in my mind.”
He rather forcefully pulls them in to lay their head on his chest. “Okay, what about the scrapbook? Do you want me to go out and burn it?”
“No, no it’s not that it’s there. I really like that someone is making it. I just— do you know the shared album we have for the trip? The one Mary made. It’s filled with pictures of everyone, even my brother. But there’s almost none of me. I’m barely there.”
A gut punch. They have all been adding things there when they have some pictures. It’s an after thought if anything. Remus has only added a handful once or twice. He thinks that Sirius is in those, they should be at least. It would be very out of character for him to have none of them. But everyone else? That somehow seems possible. He resists the urge to pull his phone out to inspect. To find a way to negate what Sirius is saying. To help them see that they over thought it, that they’re the star of the show in the album.
They keep talking, removing the opportunity to do anything. “If I just wasn’t here, the pictures would hardly be different. I’m not an integral part of the group, everyone is just fine without me. If anything I make it harder for everyone. No one thinks about me. I’m not worth even a second thought.”
“You are. You’re worth every thought in the world. I never want to have a thought that isn’t about you.” What more can he say, he’s already breathlessly worshiping them. “Here, look at my camera roll. Does that help even a little bit?”
He swipes open his phone and scrolls to the first half of the summer. It goes back more than that and he doesn’t mind if they scroll through all of it.
“Is this— really?”
“Really. I’m a bit embarrassed right now.” He laughs.
“There are hundreds of pictures of me. Are you stalking me?”
“No, I’m just in love with you.” Remus doesn’t even attempt to lie.
Their eyes instantly flick up to him. Staring. Not saying anything. An old version of him would be panicking. Wondering if that was the wrong thing to say. Worrying that by saying it he’s pushed Sirius away. He knows that isn’t the case now. The love is reciprocated, so what does it matter? Still, they don’t say anything back.
He knows they feel the same, he knows they just want to get under his skin. “You don’t have to just say that because you’re worried I’m going to hurt myself again.” Doesn’t make it hurt any less.
“I’m not.”
“Yeah, just like you haven’t been checking my pulse every night while I’m sleeping.” Sirius rolls their eyes as they bite back.
He braces for the impact. Ever since he started doing that he knew it would come back. Remus knows he can’t get out of fighting about this. All they want right now is an argument so he’ll give them one. Whatever it is that they want to get out of fighting, fine. It’s better than the alternative. It’s better than them bottling everything up until they can’t take it anymore. He can be a punching bag for them. Whatever they want. As long as they are alive to do it.
“Great, you caught me!” He mocks. “Sue me for wanting to take care of you.”
“I didn’t ask you to! I’m not asking for any of this! If you didn’t care before, you don’t have to care now. Just because I tried to kill myself… That shouldn’t be the only reason you care.”
“It’s not! Sirius, I’ve been in love with you for longer than I can admit. So yeah, I care about you and want you to be okay.” Remus yells louder than he means to, he just wants to be heard.
They bite their lip and fall onto the bed. Not arguing back, which is either good or really bad. He doesn’t like when they get quiet. It’s hard to tell which way things will go. It’s hard to tell how they really are. He gives them a second. He watches, but tries not to. Sirius doesn’t do anything, they lay there still other than the rise and fall of their chest. With each breath she takes, Remus can take one too. It’s the only comfort he’s found in weeks.
If he could fix everything for them he would. That’s not in his power, and even if it was it might not work. Nothing is quite so easy. There are a lot of factors and most are out of his control. All the love in the world can’t take away pain, all the love in the world can’t magically fix the wires in her brain. Remus can be here though, he can stay with them no matter what. That’s all he really can do and he loves them so he will.
So he falls back onto the bed too, landing right next to them. Almost on top of them. He knows that forcing them to talk won’t work. As much as he wants to, even just to understand, it so easily can turn into an argument. Not that their arguments last very long anymore. A few bites from each of them and then it fizzles out. Neither of them really want it to be more than that.
“What can I do?” He says into the air.
“I don’t know.” Sirius whispers back breathlessly.
“Stay here or go back out to everyone else?”
“Stay.” He watches their lips twitch, like they have more to say. “Maybe we could…”
“Well are you going to threaten fucking someone else if I say no?” He mostly means it as a joke, mostly.
Sirius sits up against the headboard and pulls their knees in to their chest. Their eyes are a little glazed over, but they’re still present. Just thinking. He almost takes back what he said, but it wouldn’t matter. He already said it. They won’t forget it.
“No, there’s no one as good as you. I’d just find another way to quiet my thoughts.”
It hurts. He knows what they mean and he can’t… It just hurts. All of it hurts Sirius more than him, he will never make this into something it’s not. this isn’t his burden to bear, but it still hurts. Even before, when they first starting whatever it is that they were, he saw the scars. He’s kissed nearly every one and his stomach twists every time. There are more than he would like them to have and if he can help there to not be any more added to their body he will. It’s not that simple, he won’t pretend to think that it is. It just hurts.
Gently he slides up to place a soft kiss on their lips. If they want more he’ll let them take it. Anything they want. He’s putty in their hands. After two seconds, they reach for more. Hands cupping his face and holding the kiss for longer. Deepening it.
He pulls away, eyes wide and pupils blown. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m like this.”
“It’s okay, I’m here. However you are I’m here.”
Their hands stay holding on where Remus’ jaw meets his neck. “I… I’m not just using you. I want you to know that. I just— Sometimes I need something to make everything stop. To get my mind to be free. You and everyone would be upset if I hurt myself more, so sex is a better option. Right? I want this with you too, I’m not just saying that.”
“Hey, it’s okay. I understand. Anything you need. if this is how I can help, I’m yours. Always yours.” Remus reassures, what else can he do?
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Regulus
He’s cautious. Wary that everything will fall apart again. Just as things seem to be getting better, he gets a pit in his stomach. Or at least he gives attention to it. Very quickly he finds that he worries for good reason. Not that he wanted proof of it, and for once he would have liked to have been proven wrong.
Days now are mostly a mixed bag. Some have a good morning and then go downhill, others are the reverse. Yesterday was the former, though it ended positively. He could go to bed not overly stressed about Sirius. He and James have settled back into each other, finding comfort when they can. Last night he got more than just a few hours of sleep, which is a first for recent weeks. Falling asleep and waking up in James’ arms. They hold him tight and it’s not that it allows him to forget about everything else, but it eases him back into it all.
That’s all they do though. During the day they are close by each other, at the very least in each other’s orbit. Regulus spends a lot of time with Sirius still. The two of them are very good at sitting in silence together, which seems to help them when they are having a bad day. He is aware but chooses to ignore the other ways that they cope, really none of his business. He will continue doing what he can and he keeps them on track.
There will be a lot more that they have to work through when they get home. Regulus will be there for all of it, he’s not going anywhere now. Not only because he doesn’t have anywhere else to go. With Sirius is the only place he wants to be, especially though after this.
He’s still unsure of everyone else and how good they are for them. Of course he is. He hardly knows them and they don’t know how to help Sirius. He begrudgingly defers to Sirius in that he wants his friends around. He hasn’t pushed them away and hasn’t asked to be alone, so Regulus lets everyone else stay. Though he doesn’t trust that Sirius knows what is best for themself either, seeing as they still aren’t sold on being alive. They try to joke about it more now, there’s still some sincerity in every joke though.
James is better. They are back in his good graces. He knows that they aren’t making things worse and that’s what matters to him. On top of just wanting to be around them. The thing that he can’t figure out is why they seem to be keeping him at a distance. Regulus has forgiven him, and he understood. He’s just holding back. They haven’t kissed since then, they don’t talk as much as they usually do, something is just off. But isn’t everything a little bit off?
It’s hard to focus on anything because he can’t tell what’s real or what he is exaggerating in his head. Sirius is quiet now too while they are all sitting around the cabin late in the day. It’s something, but he can’t tell what. It could just be their social battery running out, but it could be more. They aren’t close enough for him to whisper and check in, so he waits until they lock eyes.
When they look up, their first instinct is to look away, but Regulus doesn’t budge. He waits for them to gaze up again. What’s wrong. He asks without asking, to which Sirius shakes her head. Just a little, not enough for anyone to notice. He still doesn’t take that, there is something. I’m tired, they shrug. Sleep, he argues. I want to be around my friends. So he lets it go. They know he’s watching now though. Yesterday wasn’t the best day and today isn’t much better, so he’s on edge.
It’s been surprisingly good for everyone to be together during the last week of the trip. Some of them opt to play games while others have books or anything to keep themselves occupied. Regulus falls into the latter group, resting his head in James’ lap as he reads. It’s mostly a rouse as he continues keeping an eye on Sirius. They eventually join in a game of cards, though they hardly participate in the conversation. The others try to keep her engaged and he catches more than once someone assuring her they want her around.
That doesn’t solve everything. It doesn’t take away the feelings that he knows his sibling is having. Being too much, being a burden, that maybe they’re all just saying it without meaning it. Their face forces a smile, a mere quirk at the corner of their lips, and then their eyes drop again. Sirius won’t meet their brother’s gaze again all night. Not even when he sees them digging their nails into their palm. It’s fine, it’s not that harmful. He tries not to worry over it extra. Instead just filing it away to think about later.
“I’m gonna go out for a smoke.” Dorcas says already walking toward the back door.
Out of the corner of his eye he sees the slightest movement. “You’re not, Sirius. You’ve already smoked more than you should.”
“Can you just— I want to go out. I won’t smoke. Just don’t do this right now, please Reggie.” They hold a pinky in the air, so he nods. It’s not worth a fight.
He goes back to trying to read as soon as they are out the door. It doesn’t last very long. Something is off, he can sense it. Which is hard to explain. Or maybe he’s just overthinking. Maybe nothing is wrong, but James is quiet. Their friends are all talking and laughing but they have spent all afternoon doing nothing. Usually they would be at the center of it. Especially since Sirius is doing okay, he would join in. He just hasn’t.
“James, want to play?” Remus asks, but they hardly respond. “Alright, well I’ll play if you change your mind.”
A knot twists in his stomach. James usually would join any of his friends in anything they want. No one ever has to ask twice. Especially not Remus. Then again, he’s laying in their lap. That could be why. He tries to push it away, though it’s unsuccessful. If their friends aren’t bring anything out of them, he could try. He wants proof that they are okay, that he’s worrying over nothing. He just needs to see that James is acting like themself and then he can quiet his own thoughts.
In a feeble attempt he says a dumb thought. “The beginning of the summer feels so long ago now.”
“You really didn’t like me then.” James says quietly without their usual laugh.
“Good thing that changed.” He keeps his eyes on them, book now resting on his chest, but they don’t meet his gaze.
There’s something that they aren’t saying. He’ll figure it out one way or another. It’s just a matter of time. Regulus has always been observant, he’s quite good at reading people. He had to be. James isn’t always the easiest to read, but he’s learning. It’s like a new language and there are some barriers, exacerbated by recent events. But he manages as best he can.
Even Regulus is starting to learn that he can’t ignore how he’s feeling or avoid asking for help. Everyone is learning that. It’s okay for them to lean on each other. He’s better at letting himself feel, he’s past the initial time where he wouldn’t do anything other than focus on his sibling. Other people can help too. He’s been sleeping, which everyone else says is good. He’s not totally convinced, but they are all right that he won’t be any help to Sirius if he’s exhausted all of the time.
Besides, there’s only a few days left at the lake. He wants to enjoy them. He wants Sirius to enjoy them too. When they get back, then it’s time to really figure things out. They seem at least up to and willing to keep living through the summer. More than they would want even just a week or so ago. At least that’s what they are saying. Which has to be enough. They have to trust each other again. Regulus is figuring that out.
He however hasn’t talked to anyone about this. Maybe he should, but what is there to even do about it? He just has to deal with it. Sirius lied right to his face. They said they were okay. He believed them. So as much as anyone else, he’s at fault too. Regulus should have known, he should have been able to tell that something was off. That there was more that he wasn’t saying. It weighs on him. It makes it harder to believe them now, but he tries.
Ten, fifteen, twenty minutes go by. Sirius and Dorcas return and he eyes his sibling, who swears they didn’t smoke at all. They go back to Remus and settle in without saying much else. He takes that for what it is, they’re tired today. Someone has him, he’s not going to fall apart right now. He’s not so sure about James though. If there is something they aren’t saying, Regulus wants to know.
“Want to go out to the dock with me?”
“Okay yeah.” He agrees easily. That’s good, right?
They don’t talk the whole way out. He wonders if he is just tired or needs space away from everyone or if it’s more than that. It’s hard to just ask it, it’s hard to trust that if he does ask that they will tell him. And that hurts more, it weighs on him and it’s not a fun thought. It doesn’t help anyone either. All he seems to be able to do lately is worry and even he is tired. That’s not a way to live but he can’t live normally either if he isn’t sure that the people he cares about are okay.
He flat out asks when they sit down on the edge of the dock. “Are you okay?”
The pause, the breath they take, doesn’t instill much confidence. He braces for what James will say. Except it’s just, “Yeah I’m alright.”
“You can tell me if you’re not.”
“I am.” He affirms again, the pit won’t leave Regulus’ stomach though.
It’s quiet, even the sounds from the cabin don’t reach down here. Just faint sounds of nature surround them. The sun has started to set, so he hardly minds. part of him does miss listening to James talk. When they were first here, first getting to really know each other, they never shut up. He’s not sure if it ever actually bothered him.
This is just different. He’s used to quiet, he’s always been used to it. Most of the time he prefers it. So he tries to enjoy it. That’s what the summer is for. Before everything went sideways, this is exactly what he wanted. Both of their feet dangle off the edge of the dock, but Regulus leans on them. It’s not the most comfortable, but he’s content. Happy even. Despite it all.
The way they are, he can’t turn around and look back at the house. There is no way for him to check on Sirius from here. Every once in a while waves of panic and worry wash over him. He can’t get it to stop. He’s been trying. At least right now he can feel the steady breathing of James and he knows that they are okay.
The worry he has for James shocks him. The way it won’t go away. It comes on strong just like the worry he has about Sirius, and are he cares for them both. But Sirius tried to kill themself three weeks ago, and James is just being quiet. There’s no reason for it to be like this. Maybe he’s the problem. Maybe it’s Regulus that isn’t okay.
And really, that might be it. He isn’t okay.
“Sometimes I think it’s my fault.” He says without thinking, though it’s been on his mind for days now.
It snaps James out of it though. “What do you mean?”
“Out of everyone I know Sirius best. I should have known and done something. I was there the first time, I should have known.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t— you couldn’t have stopped this. It’s not your fault, it’s…” James trails off, but he understands. Of course he does.
It will always be in the back of his mind but they are right. He didn’t make this happen, he didn’t have any power or any way of knowing they would try anything. Regulus just settles back and goes quiet. It’s easy when James is quiet too. They just settle into each other. Like there’s an understanding between them, a comfort that they are both simply happy to have back.
The last few days like this will be nice. He doesn’t worry about what things will look like between them when they go home. It’s sort of a given now that there will be something. What that is, is none of his business right now. He will not be free of James in five days, not that he wants to be. Even if that would save him the questioning from his friends that he knows he will be walking in to. He can’t even imagine that they would see each other less than they are here.
They have been down at the dock for nearly an hour before he gets the itch to go back up. Sirius is still with their friends, but he wants to check in again. Just in case. Just in case something has happened and no one is helping. He doesn’t exactly trust everyone else enough to leave them alone for very long. He also doesn’t trust that Sirius will say when he needs something, at least not always. Which is why he prefers to be there, he is the best at reading them. Besides they’re both getting tired too.
Once they got in bed it didn’t take very long to fall asleep. After weeks of barely sleeping, Regulus is happy to give himself over. To drift off without worry stopping him. Being back in James’ arms helps too. He curls into him and it’s a comfort that lulls him. He would never leave or sleep another way if he had the choice. He thinks it helps him too, and he’s grateful he can be there for him.
He’s not sure how long he sleeps before he jolts awake. Shaken by James. Panic floods him. He can’t take a breath. He’s holding it until he can get up and see that Sirius is okay. He would’t be woken like this without it being an emergency. Right?
“Reg, it’s— can you help?” He asks weakly, eyes wide pleading.
“What happened?”
They grab their own hand to steady it, hide the way it’s shaking. Regulus catches it though. “I couldn’t sleep and I went out to… get some water and they were just there.”
“I— James I need you to say more.” He looks right into their eyes and he knows that it’s bad. They aren’t okay.
Instead, he’s dragged out of bed and out of the room. Not sure what he’s expecting. If he were more awake he might be thinking the worst. There isn’t time for that. Before the thought can even cross his mind, he sees Sirius. Sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead. Her expression is mostly blank, empty even.
This snaps him into reality. It doesn’t matter how tired he is or that he was fast asleep five minutes ago, he’s present now. Something is clearly wrong and he has to be the stable one right now. He tries to clear his mind, think logically, do whatever he can to fix this. though next to him James is still shaky. He can see that they aren’t okay and until he knows what happened he can’t even begin to figure out what it is that’s making James like this.
“What happened?” He asks again.
“They— Sirius was out here and they…” He keeps trailing off, stumbling over their words.
He sits on the couch in front of Sirius facing each other, though they look past him. After a moment, James explains nothing more, so Sirius blinks slowly and her hand pulls away from how she was holding herself together. A cloth rests in the palm of her hand, streaks of blood staining it. Regulus watches as their chest caves in and emotion floods back in. No longer numb, just broken.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry… I’m sorry.” Sirius mumbles.
“It’s okay, hey Sirius, it’s okay.” He pulls them in, not caring if the cuts are still bleeding. “James, can you go get water? And the bag of sweets in the cabinet please”
Giving him something to do helps. He goes without question, retuning a minute later. Their face is pale and they are hardly breathing. James won’t meet his eyes and he hates it. He can tell they aren’t okay. Whether it’s because of this or they were lying about being okay earlier, he’s not sure. Neither is good. As much as he’s glad that he was woken up to help, James should be able to help. He usually could, he’s Sirius’ friend. He could help him without Regulus, he’s done it before.
But he can’t think about that right now. He can figure it out later. Now all of his focus need to be on Sirius.
It’s not always easy to bring their attention back, but he manages to get them to take small drinks of water. Just a little, but enough that they are at least breathing. They have to breath to drink. Slowly Sirius calms slightly, not completely but enough. Enough for now.
There isn’t much he can do, he just wants to comfort them now. Anything else can wait. When they finally look at him he hands them a sour candy that he had James get. He’s used them before to distract or to shock his system back into the present. It might not do anything but he has him try anyway.
He knew something was wrong. They were having a bad day even if they pretended that they weren’t. Even if they forced themself through spending time with everyone. Except he can’t be mad at them for it. Sirius has been trying and that’s all anyone has been asking for. Sometimes it’s just hard. He won’t force them to talk about it, the reasons why don’t matter. it won’t change anything.
For now he just holds Sirius. Faintly certain he’s pressing too hard where fresh cuts are, so he shifts himself. He motions after a few minutes for James to go to bed. They seem relieved. They need help, and they aren’t able to be the one to help. So it’s better if they go sleep. He should have known they weren’t sleeping, he doesn’t even know how they slipped out of bed without him feeling it.
His attention is too divided right now and he hates it. Regulus sucks in a deep breath, trying to keep from losing it. He’s composed enough right now, but he could break any second. Sirius is here, they are alive. That’s good, he can be glad for that.
It feels like he’s being stabbed, it feels like he’s drowning. Knowing that she hurt herself again, he wants to throw up. It’s not something foreign to him, he understands. He’s always understood, but that doesn’t make it easier. It’s different when its someone he loves, it’s different than when it’s him.
It’s different when it’s Sirius and he doesn’t know how much tighter he needs to hold on to make sure he doesn’t lose them.
“I’m sorry Reggie, I fucked up. I’m sorry, I was trying.” Tears break through this time, and all he can do is pull them in closer.
“It’s okay, I understand. It’s okay, I’ve got you now.”
“I was okay, I thought I was. I just needed to make it stop.” They say into his shoulder. “Nothing else worked, I just needed it to stop hurting.”
They continue babbling, he doesn’t stop them. Regulus listens and holds them as long as they want him to. He will sit here with him all night, however long it is until morning. It doesn’t matter. This is what they need right now. He’s got them though. He won’t let them go.
“It’s okay. You’re still okay, you’re here.” He means it as a comfort, even if they don’t always want to be here.
“I’m sorry.”
When they start to settle, their breathing calms down and their tears stop, he gets up and finds supplies. First he helps to clean around the cuts, the bleeding having stopped now. Then he finds a bandage that he can wrap around their arm. Gently he does this all for them, and Sirius lets him. He expects them to fight or wince or anything, but the blank stare has returned.
They’re going numb again. He wants to push them to stay present, but for tonight it’s okay. It’s okay for now, tomorrow he will make sure they keep trying. It’s only a set back, and healing isn’t linear. So it’s okay. This isn’t the end of the world. They’re going to be okay. Tomorrow is a new day and they can try then, and Regulus can rip Remus Lupin a new one for letting them out of his sight.
It takes a while before they move on their own. He pushed them to get up so he could help clean their arm, and then he helped them settle onto the couch again. The siblings sit in silence, though they lean on each other. Sirius more on him, but they are still holding each other up. They’re always holding each other up. Leaning on each other, taking care of each other. But eventually Sirius moves, breaking himself free and moving to stand.
“I’m gonna go to bed.” He says definitively.
“Are you sure?” Regulus would rather not let him out of his sights.
They nod and walk to the door of their bedroom. Looking back just for a second with a look on their face. It’s not completely readable, at least not from an outside perspective. Regulus understands though. They’re hurting, but they really just want to sleep. They want all of their emotions to leave so they can at least rest. He would take it for them, he would feel all of it if he could.
“Come and get me if you need anything. I’m always here Sirius.” He calls out, they simply shut the door.
Regulus spends a few minutes out on his own. Catching his breath mostly. This isn’t how he planned tonight to go, he was fast asleep. But he will do anything for Sirius, so he did. He will always be there when it counts and will be there even if it doesn’t. Sometimes he will just have to pause after.
He really needs to now, before he goes back to James. Something is wrong, whatever he was telling himself before to push it out of his mind, isn’t enough anymore. Something is definitely wrong and he can’t let James keep this up. If he’s struggling, he needs to let Regulus help. Or anyone, he just can’t bottle it up. That’s what Sirius was doing and he’s not letting James get that bad. he never should have let Sirius get like that either. At least he’s paying attention now.
It could be any time now really, but the sun isn’t coming up so he should get some sleep. Or try to at least. When his heart steadies, he walks quietly back into the room. Thinking that if James is awake, he’ll get him to talk. Maybe not a full conversation, but enough that at least he said something. Enough that James will talk to him tomorrow when they both have more energy.
In bed James is facing the wall on the far side of the room. Not looking anywhere near the door. It’s not really a concern, he usually moves in his sleep. Maybe he was able to fall asleep when he came back in. While Regulus helped Sirius. He hadn’t slept before anyway, he’s surely tired.
Still he presses as he slides into bed. “James?”
No response.
“Are you awake?” He asks this time, but nothing.
He feels them shift next to him, but only barely. Enough that he could believe they are simply sleeping. If he didn’t know any better. If he didn’t know the sounds of their breathing and how it differs awake and asleep. Regulus doesn’t have the energy to push right now. He doesn’t have the energy to fight. Tomorrow he will, tomorrow he will get to the bottom of this.
He’s going to keep everyone he loves safe and alive if it kills him.