take care of you and yours

REGULUS

He makes Sirius talk to him the next day. They take their meds and they at least go through the motions. Mostly for his sake, he’s well aware of that. But it’s better than nothing. Regulus doesn’t make him do any more than that. They talk and they ask him not to let everyone know that they slipped up. He obliges, though he will still be talking to Lupin about it. 

Today, more so than the last week, he’s on edge. On high alert. Looking over his shoulder at every turn and trying to keep an eye on everyone. Really just Sirius and James, but they’re who matter. Neither of them are instilling him with much confidence right now. As soon as he woke up, if he slept at all, James got up and has been sitting with Peter. He needs to talk to them, he needs to get them to talk to him. 

But first, he’s angry. “Come here I need a word with you.”

Remus looks at him and appears to ponder this for a moment, but he walks over anyway. “What is it?”

“How did you let them slip like that?” 

“Me? It’s not my fault. You don’t get to blame me, we’re all doing the best we can to help. I already feel awful about the fact that I can’t do more. I can’t just take away Sirius’ pain and that’s all I want to do right now.” He jumps right on the defensive. 

“You were supposed to go through all of their things, make sure they didn’t have anything. No more pills no blades, nothing they could hurt themself with. And you just didn’t?” 

“I did. I— I don’t know where they had it. I already looked and I couldn’t find it today. Do you think James took it from them last night?” 

Probably. That’s what probably happened. He would have taken it when he found him. Right? Gotten rid of it so they couldn’t find it again. Before James woke him, that’s what he did. He got a cloth and sat them on the couch and threw out the blade before getting Regulus. That’s all he can accept right now so he doesn’t press further. 

He looks at Remus again, more so a glare than a gaze, and decides he’s had enough. There is no trust there. It doesn’t matter if Sirius trusts him, if James trusts him, none of that makes a difference. He doesn’t like him and he still doesn’t think he’s good for his sibling, but there’s not much he can do. As long as he does better than this. He has to be good enough to take care of Sirius when they need extra support. 

“Don’t give me more reasons to hate you.” Regulus spits out as he turns away, he doesn’t have the energy to spend on him anyway. 

Sirius is sleeping again, not up to spending time around everyone this morning. Which is fine, he knows they aren’t going to do anything. He also knows that they would come find him. At least he hopes. Either way Regulus plans to check in even more. Not as much or as overbearing as he has been told he was right after, but enough that he feels okay about it. Just making sure they know he loves them. If that even makes a difference. 

A few of the others are out getting likely the last round of groceries for the trip. Something about a party for the last night. As if they aren’t always all together. He doesn’t see the point in it, but if that’s what everyone wants. He won’t get in the way. It won’t be all that much of a party, but James is helping to plan it. It’s just the last night, so perhaps they will do more than usual. 

Regulus settles in on the couch next to James, legs swinging up to rest across their lap. it doesn’t pull their focus away from Peter, who they are actually talking to. It being Peter isn’t a surprise, he knows they are quite close, but he wasn’t expecting to see him talking so animatedly right now. After last night the pit in his stomach has only worsened. 

All day he sits around observing. He hardly relaxes at all. Even while reading or once a movie is put on the TV. He tries to catch up on the messages from his own friends, who are planning a night out for them once he returns, and he can’t get through typing a single message without feeling the need to look up. Nothing distracts him or can keep his attention. 

Every so often, he sees James’ expression fall and he starts to drag his nail over the inside of his arm. Sometimes he tries to go back to whatever he’s doing, but more often than not he softly asks, “Are you okay?”

Each time he’s met with James blinking harshly and coming back to himself looking happier and turning to him, nodding easily. He pulls his hands away and occupies them with something else, leaving the faintest marks on his skin. Regulus wants to believe it, but he doesn’t. 

When they jump up at the first mention of going down to the lake, he tells himself he’s making it up in his head. That he’s the one who isn’t okay. Everyone, even Sirius, get ready to go down. Bathing suits and towels and everything they could need. This is the warmest day they have left, and they may go in the lake again after this, but they also might not. So he ignores the nagging in his mind and chooses to have a good time. 

He waits to walk down for Sirius, since James has already run ahead of everyone else. They have a new bandage on their arm but they avoid talking about it. Instead they turn the conversation around to him. 

“You okay?” He ventures, hoping they will tell him the truth.

“For now.” Sirius shrugs. “Are you glad you stayed?”

“Of course I am.” He doesn’t have to think about it. He would prefer not to think about how it could have gone if he had left all of those weeks ago. 

“I am too.”  

For the first time in a bit he thinks things might be okay. Sure that feeling changes every day, multiple times a day even. Still, Regulus is starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn’t matter that Sirius relapsed not even twenty four hours ago, not in the overall sense that is. He cares and he can’t get the visual out of his head, but it doesn’t mean things won’t get better. It was different too, they’re different. 

When he looks them in the eye he can see a world of difference. Not just pretend and not just for his sake, but Sirius doesn’t seem like he’s trying to get away and isolate to make it easier. He’s not holding back from saying he would rather be dead, he’s just not saying it at all. It’s no longer on the tip of their tongue. 

Down at the lake Sirius goes right over to some of their friends they hadn’t seen since yesterday, which really isn’t that long, but they slide right in. Trying to let themself be happy and enjoy the day. Regulus watches on for a moment, making sure no one says anything about the bandage and that they really are comfortable, then he turns his focus away. Or rather, turns it to James.

He takes a running start and lands in the lake, splashing the others that are already in the water. Regulus holds his breath for a moment, they’re under the water just long enough for his thoughts to wander. They wouldn’t do anything, right? Not like this, he’s just paranoid. Which is proven when James pops right back up, really only having been under for ten seconds. He’s laughing and smiling. It sounds just close enough to how he usually sounds for it to be believable. 

Those in the water break out into a game that Regulus doesn’t have the patience to figure out the rules of. He instead lays on the dock and just watches. The sun is shining bright and it reflects off the water in a beautiful way. Soon they’ll be back in the city and far from nature like this. He’s not usually the outdoors type, but he finds he might actually miss it. This version of it at least. 

“Reg, come in!” It’s Lily calling him out, but he can’t take his eyes off of James. 

He on the other hand has no idea that he’s watching. Lost in his head. Though he does manage to catch exactly when Regulus slips off the dock and gracefully into the water. It’s a bit cold, but the sun isn’t blocked by as many trees once he swims away from the dock. It’s not all that deep either. Enough that he can’t properly stand, but he’s not planning to stay in very long. Just for a bit to swim over to James. Maybe splash them once or twice. 

Once he’s within range and James is staring off again, he lightly flicks water to hit their shoulder. “Hey, what’s going on?”

“Oh nothing, just zoned out for a second.”

“You sure?” He eyes where they are once again scratching their arm this time under the water. 

“Yeah. I’d tell you if I wasn’t.” They bite back. 

The words don’t perfectly match what he was asking. He knows that isn’t exactly a sign that something is wrong, but isn’t it? James wouldn’t be on the defensive about being okay if they actually were. It wouldn’t even be a question. Of all the things Regulus is taking away from this summer, he knows to trust himself first. He thought something was off with Sirius and trusted when she promised she was okay, he’s not going to fall for it again. He just has to figure out how to force them to be honest with him. 

By now everyone except Sirius, Remus, and Mary are in the water. They all have whatever reasons they want for staying dry and he doesn’t blame them. He is going to have to shower and deep clean his hair even if he doesn’t dunk under the surface, which really is a hassle. But he can let himself have some fun. Looking back to the others in the water, there looks to be scheming. 

The same culprit calls out again. “Everyone in!” 

“I’m gonna stay out, you all enjoy.” Sirius keeps the details in, and they stay out. 

“Oh come on Sirius, this might be the last lake day!” Peter practically whines. 

Marlene jumps in too. Now all three of them are chanting. 

They don’t move. He watches their right hand come up and ghost over their arm. Scars are one thing, they both have plenty and some days are easier to let them be seen than others. Either way, it’s much different than this. Regulus knows they don’t want anyone seeing the dried blood that hasn’t been fully cleaned off, the screaming bright red of the new cuts. A stark contrast from the thin white scars. 

“Leave them be.” He quietly warns, not wanting to be overbearing. 

“Fine, whatever. Stay out and miss out on the fun, Sirius!” 

“I’m fine right here, Pete. Just think about all of the dirt you’re swimming in.” They playfully tease. 

Not that there is all that much truth in it, they haven’t felt like the lake is very gross the rest of the summer. He knows that it’s just an easy way for them to get under someone’s skin and give them a reason to sit on the dock all in one. A few times Regulus catches people looking back toward them, checking on them. Making sure they really are okay not being included. They really aren’t doing much in the water, so it’s not like they’re missing out. Everyone is just hyper aware. 

A ball starts to be thrown around, someone pulls a paddle board into the water to float on, quite a bit of splashing occurs. The whole time Regulus is just watching. Either his sibling or James. He doesn’t like this, he doesn’t like feeling like there are reasons to be worried about both of them. Just one is already more than he can handle. He just— he can’t take it. If James isn’t okay either, even less okay than the front he’s putting on, Regulus might just crumble under the weight. 

He’s not in the best spot on his own. He can admit that much to himself. Not to anyone else yet. Right before coming here he was officially kicked out and disowned by his parents. Regulus would much rather not deal with any of that, but he hasn’t given himself the time or space to process it. 

The feelings are all more than complicated which is fine, really. It’s just that when they leave here he won’t be able to pretend like it didn’t happen. He can’t pretend that he’s just on holiday. It will be real, and on top of that two of the people he cares about most are barely holding it together. 

They can all get through this, they have to. Whatever this is. They can support each other. Except Regulus can’t do anything if they don’t talk to him. He tried with Sirius and even they didn’t accept his help. They promised they were okay. He’s never been the best at trusting people, he wants to so badly but then things like this happen. Trust is broken and he doesn’t know if the tide is just coming in to say hello or if it’s trying to drown him and take him out to sea in the process. 

He’ll keep asking though. Even if James won’t admit that there is something wrong, that he needs help. Regulus will be there. There won’t be any opportunities for him to fall over the edge, at least not without him being there to catch him in no time at all. That’s the only way. And things seem to be getting worse, or James is struggling to hide it as much. It’s been like this since… well since that night. But more specifically, this exact brand of whatever this is, has been since they talked to Sirius. Since they realized she told them her plan and they were already asleep. 

As much as he shouldn’t, he decides he won’t sleep tonight. Not until he knows for certain that James is asleep. It’s the most he can do. He’s gotten enough sleep over the last few days that it will be fine. This is for them. He obviously won’t tell anyone else this, they would all think he’s lost it, though most of them already do. This is his own little plan. It’s the only way he can think to know for sure how James is doing if they won’t talk to him or anyone else about it. 

When they go to get out of the water James is slow. He’s not paying attention and doesn’t start wading through the water to the dock until everyone except Regulus is already out. He got lost in his head, or so he assumes. He’s been doing that a lot lately. Everyone else will be talking and instead of filling the silences like James would typically do, they just sit with it. They let everything just pass by. It’s unnerving, but it’s not enough to demand they get help. 

He waits just off the dock for James before walking up to the cabin. Once he’s close enough, only a few paces away, he sees it. The specks of red on the inside of his arm. Regulus’ chest constricts and his stomach is in his throat. He tried not to worry, he tried not to assume, but he was right. 

“Why do you look like that?” James brushes against him. 

“Are you okay?” He blurts out, then corrects. “Looks like you got hurt there…” 

It’s a weak attempt. He doesn’t know what else to say. He doesn’t know what else to do. Years and years of living in that house, of finding awful ways to cope and get control, of him and Sirius helping each other as best they could, and he still doesn’t know a good way to help James. He doesn’t know how to bring it up. he doesn’t know how to tell James that he’s worried sick about him. 

“Oh,”

“Did you…?” hurt yourself… He can’t force the words out as much as they are needed. 

“Scraped against the dock on my way out, must have been a rough piece of wood or something. It’s nothing.” They wave their hand flippantly, as if they just want him to drop it. 

Back in the cabin they each shower, separately, as dinner is being handled by Peter and Mary. They either went to the store or just to the other cabin. It’s quiet when he leaves the room after showering, which is welcome. There is too much buzzing happening in his brain and too much that needs to be said without company. He waits out on the couch, wondering if Sirius or James will emerge first. What he would say to either of them. 

At least Sirius is talking again today. She didn’t fully shut down, and that’s some sort of progress. He’ll take what he can get. It’s only a few more days. Sirius promised that when they go home they will start seeing a psychologist. They’re still on their meds from the hospital and they will talk to someone. It will be good for them, at least he hopes. It’s not like he can really say anything, he doesn’t talk to anyone either. Though he is apparently better at handling everything on his own than they are, so it’s necessary. 

He faintly hears them talking on the phone, likely to Effie. It’s through the door and he’s not pressed up against it so he can’t listen in at all. At least he’s talking to her, he’s keeping that promise. It’s longer than he expects before James comes out of the room. They look put together, more of a smile on their face than earlier. More alive almost. 

Regulus doesn’t trust it, there is still a bit in his stomach. He can feel the water rising. 

“Are we going to the other cabin?” 

“Yeah, I was waiting for you. Want to see if Sirius is ready?” He suggests. 

James nods and walks off. He watches them fidget with the sleeves of their jumper. It’s nothing, right? He’s overthinking this, he’s assuming the worst. It’s a chilly night, there is no other reason he put a jumper on. When they return to the living room, Sirius and Remus are right behind them. 

“Won’t you be hot?” Remus asks, and he wants to strangle him. 

This isn’t him being dramatic. First of all, what does it matter what James is wearing, it’s certainly none of his business. Secondly, it only makes him worry more. The more noticeable something is, the more James will try to hide it, at least that’s how it seems they do things. It’s nothing, it has to be nothing. Regulus will keep trying to tell himself that, but right now isn’t the time to ask about it anyway. Later. Tonight in bed, when they aren’t trying to put on a mask. 

That’s not what they even do now, they lash out. “Why does it matter? This is what I want to wear. I don’t see you criticizing anyone else’s outfit choice.” 

“Hey, James, it’s okay. No one is saying you can’t wear that.” Sirius steps in. 

“I like the jumper.” He adds reaching for his hand. “C’mon,” and they soften, taking his hand and following him out the door. 

The rest of the night he pushes it out of his mind. It’s nothing, it’s in his head, he’s only thinking about it because of what happened last night with Sirius. For a while he tries to sit near anyone who he could count on to talk for a while. To create a distraction, to fill his head with so much noise that he wouldn’t have time to worry about James. He can see them the whole night, he doesn’t have to worry right now. 

That doesn’t stop the loop in his mind. Nothing does. It has to all be in his head. He doesn’t know why James would keep this in. It doesn’t make sense that after everything, they wouldn’t ask for help. Regulus is always going to want to help. The two of them have talked about the week of silence between them and moved past it. Regulus has gone to James with things he’s been thinking about. 

James… hasn’t. 

He just hasn’t. Last night he came to get Regulus but that was for his sibling. Not for themself. James won’t talk about themself. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but it hasn’t been any of the time. It’s worrying. More than that though, it’s damning evidence that something is wrong. 

If he closes his eyes and thinks for even a second about James he doesn’t see an image he would like to see. He doesn’t see James all soft and warm in bed at night, or them on the roof together looking at the stars. He doesn’t see them the first time they kissed, he doesn’t see the James he started to fall for. All he can see since last night is the look in their eyes when they woke him up. A pleading face, not for Sirius to be okay, but because they couldn’t do anything without help. 

They didn’t want to ask for help. They didn’t want to admit they weren’t okay. 

They’re trying to pretend like Regulus didn’t see the pain in their eyes, but he did. It haunts him. He can’t unsee it. 

At the other cabin they have dinner before settling in the living room. Dug out from somewhere in the cabinets, someone found a game to play. It’s one that has all of them at one point or another shouting out various words and phrases. Regulus didn’t hear what the rules are. Most of the time he’s focused on James, who seems to be okay. Better than earlier. He is participating and acting as if everything is okay. But that’s the thing, he’s almost certain it’s acting. 

Mindlessly, or perhaps subconsciously, Regulus’ hand finds theirs. His thumb rubs soft circles on the back of their hand at first. They don’t seem to mind at all. They’re paying attention to the game. His sleeve pushes up just a bit from movement, and he can see where the irritation is from before. It’s not bleeding, he doesn’t know how much it even was before. In his mind it was a lot, maybe it was just red. But it’s there. Is there more?

He wants to soothe him, he wants to assure him that it’s okay. Gently he goes to caress his wrist, all while pretending to not be looking. He keeps his gaze focused across the room, not daring to really see if there’s any real cuts there. He doesn’t get the chance anyway. James is pulling away, pulling their hand back to themself in one jerky movement. It rattles them for just a moment before they shake it off and go back to the game. 

Regulus doesn’t push anymore. Not now. Instead he shifts his focus to everyone else, trying to distract himself. Trying to enjoy the night. Sirius seems to be doing okay, all things considered. More than a few times he hears her laugh and it fills him with warmth. A comfort despite everything. He would like to think that means they aren’t getting worse again, just a setback. Just a blip.

An hour, maybe more passes without issue. Games continue, he thinks there have bene at least a handful of rounds. More than one person has been crowned winner at some point. James was second to win, which Regulus softly gave him a kiss for. That brought light into their eyes. Now though, they have lost whatever spark was present when they arrived here tonight. They have stopped talking as much, only responding if someone directly addresses them. 

If anyone else notices, they don’t say. 

“I’m getting tired, think I’m going to head back to bed.” He says, his hand reaching out and finding James’. 

“You sure Reggie? It’s not that late yet.” Sirius points out, quite obviously proving that he’s lying. 

“Yes well, you lot are exhausting.” 

“You’re no fun!” One of the others says, his focus isn’t on the rest of the room to know who. 

“Want to come?” Regulus softly asks, and he’s met with a slow nod. 

As they exit the room and the cabin, he can hear the teasing that follows them in an echo. Thinking they might be going off to do more than sleep. In a way they are, he wants to talk. He wants James to talk to him. He needs James to talk to him. 

He also knows that they are drained, they need to be alone. Or as alone as possible. They go and James naturally starts getting ready for bed. Not really questioning their early departure. If Regulus is right, they have barely been sleeping so they really must be tired. He wonders if they would actually go to sleep right now or if they would fake it for another night.

Wordlessly, Regulus sits on the bed. Just on the edge feet dangling over. He doesn’t go to get ready for bed, he doesn’t do anything. Even if coming back was his idea. He ignores that James prefers they both change before sitting on the bed, but they don’t even mention it. James is moving around the room furiously almost. Trying to get through all of the usual things they would do before bed. 

Perhaps they are just on autopilot. Opening the drawer where he has pajama pants and grabbing a pair before walking into the bathroom. The door remains open while they brush their teeth. The whole time he just sits there on the bed. Waiting. 

He hates doing this. He thinks James will hate that he’s doing it too, but what choice does he have?

A few minutes pass and his heart is beating out of his chest. He can feel the dread settling in his chest and in his throat. Making it hard to form any words. When James walks out of the bathroom, it’s the first time he looks up. Confusion slips through their mask of stoicism. They almost open their mouth, but they just walk and start to climb around Regulus on the bed. 

“James…” He doesn’t know what else to say, or rather how to say it. 

He doesn’t get a response, but they pause hovering next to him. 

“James we need to talk.”

“Are you breaking things off with me?” Is the first thing James says. 

“What? No. Why would I— No. that’s not what we need to talk about. I need you to talk.” He rephrases just enough, but still it doesn’t get through. 

“I’m tired.” 

“Please, Jamie please.” He reaches for their hand, met with nothing. He pulled away, balling their hand into a fist in the jumper that they haven’t taken off. Despite not usually sleeping with one on. “James, can you tell me the truth? Are you hurting yourself?”

“That scratch really is just from the dock. I’m not lying to you.” He lies, Regulus knows it’s a lie. “It’s irritated because I keep accidentally scratching it. It’s itchy, you know how that can be.” 

They rush to deflect. Regulus winces. It’s a one eighty from how they were talking and staying quiet just before. James will say they are fine until they are blue in the face. He knows they will. That’s just how they are. Never worrying for themself and always checking on other people. Regulus isn’t easily fooled though. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“You can still talk to me if you’re struggling, I’m here. Lean on me.” He pushes, but is wary to push too hard that they fall over the edge of the cliff. 

“I’m fine. I’m not hurting myself, I’m not Sirius. I’m fine.” Bitterness is interwoven in their words.

“I didn’t say you were. I quite like that you aren’t him.” He expects a laugh, he is given silence. 

Looking away from James, not that he’s meeting Regulus’ eyes when he is facing him anyway, he shuts his. He inhales deeply and for a second feels bile rising in his throat. The nagging thoughts won’t go away, he knows they are right. Something is wrong. Something is very wrong. He wants James to stop him, to snap out of it and actually be okay. 

“James…” His breath is shaky but he can’t push this off. “Where is the razor blade that Sirius had?” 

Now they are really quiet. A thick palpable silence. It weighs the air down around them and he can feel everything tightening around them. Mouth opening and then slamming shut. James doesn’t say anything, which says everything. The small movements in their hands have stopped, they are perfectly still. Giving away the truth without saying a word. 

They have it. Panic bubbles up. They have the blade and they are hiding it to use himself. Maybe. Why else would they have taken it without saying anything. Away from Sirius, but in their possession. If they didn’t talk about this tonight, would they have used it? There hasn’t been time that they could have since taking it yet. Right? Regulus has been here. Other than while he was with Sirius last night, but he wouldn’t. Would he?

He swallows. It gets stuck and he can’t breathe. Everything is falling apart again. But he can’t panic. He can’t let that feeling win, he needs to be okay right now. The worry makes him sick. It’s as if he just watched James duck under a wave and is waiting for him to come up. Waiting to see that he’s okay, but there is a chance they are choking on the water, a chance they won’t resurface. 

“Talk to me, please.” 

“I’m sorry.” If Regulus weren’t looking, he wouldn’t have heard the words. 

“It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you, I promise I’ve got you. I just need you to talk to me, you can’t keep this in.”

He goes through that same sentence in as many variations as he can think up. Hoping one will stick. Repeating over and over again. Not wanting to think they can’t tell him anything, knowing that he must have planted that idea in his head at some point over the past few weeks. Just begging him to talk, to open up. To let Regulus help. 

“I’m sorry…”

He pulls himself together, one arm wrapping around them for comfort. “This summer has been a lot. I know it has, it’s okay. We’re all trying our best. But it’s okay to break a little, it’s okay to ask for help. It doesn’t matter who else is hurting, you’re allowed to ask for help.”

“I hurt them.” He murmurs. 

“And they forgave you. I forgave you. You don’t have to punish yourself for it.” 

“But—” The end of their words falls off unspoken. 

“No, it’s always okay. Let your people take care of you.” Regulus pulls them closer, squeezing their shoulder. It’s all he can do. It’s not going to immediately get better. He doesn’t even know what to say to make it better. “Let me.”

At some point James pries themself away and pushes off the bed to cross the room. Sinking against the wall to sit on the ground. For a minute they just sit there. He assumes they need space to breathe, or something of the sort. So he doesn’t ask or follow. They don’t say anything, but they reach over and dip their hand into a bag. Pulling out another bag. A glint of silver catches his eye as it emerges. 

He can’t breathe. He no longer knows how. 

This is what he feared, what he expected. It’s not really a shock, not when it’s been rattling around in his brain for hours now. Not when James all but admitted it already. Every time he wasn’t actively thinking about something else, Regulus was worrying. Over Sirius mostly, but as the hours went on as they days went by, he would come back to James. 

It’s not that he wanted to ignore it, he was just trying to trust them. He was giving them space, he was being there for them however they would let him. Regulus is trying his best. He’s barely holding himself together, everything is crumbing. The most he can do it seems is be ready to pick up the pieces. Which is what he will do now. 

He crosses the room to James, he’s staring off, eyes unfocused. The blade practically falls out of his hand and into Regulus’. He can get rid of it now. He doesn’t have to worry what they would have done with it tonight while Regulus would be asleep. In the back of his mind he wants to ask to see their arm, to see that they haven’t already used it. He knows he can’t ask, it would hurt too much. The words wouldn’t let themselves out of his mouth. 

No words are even coming at all. Nothing of comfort nothing of anything. Something is blocking them and it feels like his throat is caving in. The hand holding the blade starts to shake. He can’t control that it’s just happening. Luckily James can’t see it. He’s doing all he can to not truly think about it. To think about what a past version of himself would do right now. Current Regulus will get rid of it. Once he stops shaking, once he can breathe. 

His fist closes around it. the corners of it prick at his palm, not enough to break the skin but he could. All he would need to do is squeeze. 

But, he can’t. He shouldn’t. 

Regulus can get control back another way. He can help James, he can help them and that will be enough. It’s a cycle of feeling at fault, it can end here. Deep down he feels it pulling, he can see the edge of the cliff, but no. It’s not his fault, just like everything else was not James’ fault. Just like it’s not Sirius’ fault they feel the way they do. Everyone is just trying their best and sometimes the world is against you. Sometimes the world fails you. 

That’s when you rely on your people. Two months ago, these were not Regulus’ people. Aside from Sirius, no one here is anyone he would have ever relied on. Even then, Sirius hasn’t always been there. Now James is… he means so much to him. He wants to take care of him and he’s pretty sure that the same is true in return. That’s why they hid this. They didn’t want to hurt him. 

He just— He can’t do this alone. If nothing else Regulus has learned that. He may want to, but he can’t. So he drops down to the ground and goes first to embrace James. Slowly, but not slow enough. They shy away, the first movement since handing over the blade and they duck from his touch. 

He sucks in a breath and tells himself not to take it personally. If roles were reversed he would shut down. His walls would tower around him keeping everyone out. So he doesn’t blame them. Instead he stands once again and walks to the door. As much as he hates to leave them sitting like this it’s only a moment. He even turns back twice just in case. 

There’s no logical reason, but just as he exits the room Sirius is walking back into the cabin. Perfect timing, he really didn’t want to have to walk all the way over there. Not with the blade clutched in his hand. He wants to put it down as soon as possible. 

“Sirius. We need to talk.”

“Oh no, am I in trouble?” They joke, but he doesn’t laugh. 

“Yes, well no. But I—.” Regulus holds his fist out, turns it over and opens it. 

Blade on display. Their eyes go wide. They don’t like it either. The door creaks as it opens again and he clamps his fist shut. Tighter than he should. The pin prick of blade piercing his skin is all he can feel and he doesn’t even mean to. 

“Reggie what the fuck?” 

“No it’s— Come here.” He loses his fist and grabs their sleeve dragging them away. He would much rather not have this conversation in front of Lupin. 

“Are you kidding me? We need to talk about that. I— I really don’t even know, seriously?” They protest and argue the whole time. “Am I really the one saying this to you right know?”

“It’s not what you think. Last night, where did the blade you used go?” This logically seems like the easiest place to start. Right?

Their face melts, whatever they were feeling before is gone. Sirius sighs with a hmph and shrugs. “I don’t know.”

He already knows, James all but admitted it. The blade in his hand is proof. He just didn’t want to believe it. It would be so much better if that were not the case. He’s not stupid though. It’s hard enough fighting for one person to care enough about their own life, he would much rather not have a second one hurting themself too. Regulus is exhausted and it’s not even fair that he is, he wouldn’t dare think of doing anything else, but he’s so fucking tired. 

“James had it.” he fills them in. 

“No, they wouldn’t… You have it, that’s it.” 

They’re in the kitchen, the furthest away from where anyone walking into the house could be. He’s itching to get back to James, to just sit with them even if they don’t want to be held. Regulus slides down to the ground against the island and lets his breath go.

He looks up at his sibling, he nearly laughs. “Yeah, this is it. James had it though. They aren’t okay. I— they won’t talk to me. I don’t want to ask you for anything, god we’re still getting through your shit show… I just don’t think I can help him alone. I think he needs to know you aren’t upset. That you don’t hold it against them.”

“Of course I don’t hold it against them. Nothing was their fault, I didn’t tell anyone how I was, at least not anyone that was awake.” 

“I know that. They need to know too.” 

She slides to sit next to him, he wants to push her away for some reason. He doesn’t though, he lets silence fall around them. Sirius wraps an arm around his shoulder and urges his head to fall. He fights it at first but gives in. Letting them have a minute to just be like this. It feels like it used to. Like they can make it through anything just the two of them. And really that’s exactly what he needs right now. He needs to know that everything will be okay. That it can be if they have each other. 

They can’t have this, exactly this, for that long. He needs to go back to James. But they’ve always been better together haven’t they?

“Let’s go to James, yeah?” Sirius reads his mind. “Can I ask one thing first though? I know I can’t really talk, I just… were you going to use—”

“No, I haven’t in a long time.” He assures them. It’s not even a lie. “I’m okay.” 

James is exactly where they were before. Hasn’t moved even a little bit. The panic that was coursing through him has lessened. It is no longer pushing him closer and closer to the edge. 

It’s still early enough in the night that even after sitting in silence the three of them in a row for more than two hours, that it’s only just turning midnight. A few comforting words have been said in the time between then and now, but nothing of substance. No, perhaps there was substance, all of their words have meaning. Just nothing they haven’t said before. 

Regulus makes sure that he doesn’t zone out at all, that he stays right here in the moment no matter how much he would like to skip past this. Skip to when things are better. When the house is no longer on fire. He does however wait until James says anything. 

“What are you doing here?” His voice is gentle though coarse at the same time, just coming back to himself. “Not that I— I only meant you should be sleeping or, or t-taking care of yo…” They stop mid sentence, mid word, all at once. 

“I’m not going to lie and say I’m fine, but right now I want to be here for you. You don’t have to talk to me but can you talk to Reggie? Or Remus, I can send him in if you like.” They say all of the right things it seems. 

James shakes his head. “No it’s nothing. I was being stupid, I got stuck but I’m okay.”

“No, James please don’t do that again.” Regulus doesn’t mean for his voice to crack, he doesn’t mean to sound weak but he can’t help but plead. 

Finally they turn their head and meet his eyes. He can see the sadness and the strain. He can see the fact that they haven’t slept in weeks and the way they are teetering on the edge. At the same time the siblings reach out and catch him. They pull him back up and back into loving arms. Promising to not let him fall again. 

Against his will, Regulus goes just to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Knowing that James will be ready to collapse soon enough. He lets the two of them talk, just out of earshot, but without a door in the way. He wants to be right here. Whatever they talk about, he’s not quite sure. Hopefully enough to soothe the voice in James’ head or whatever it is that has him hurting himself. 

He’s sure that they talk about that. It won’t be the last conversation about it. Regulus will have one eventually. He knows that is they continue their relationship he’ll have to anyway, James will see his scars. The ones he keeps hidden. No part of him wants to really hide it from them anyway, he won’t be a hypocrite about this. He just wants to help. 

After a few minutes he goes back, it’s not long enough for that much to be said, but they both seem okay. Enough for now at least. He looks first to James, who keeps his eyes on the ground. Then to Sirius, who looks somber but nods in reassurance. It will be okay, they will all be okay. He’s not sure why he believes them of all people with that sentiment, but he does. That’s his big sibling, he’ll always believe them. 

“I—” He starts. 

“Don’t mention it. Get some sleep, okay?” He only nods in return and instantly seeks out James’ hand for something to hold. 

They crawl into bed and Regulus follows. At first James faces the wall, away from him. Hiding maybe, but they don’t shy away when he presses a kiss to their shoulder. This seems to do the trick, it tugs them right back to him, their faces just barely not touching. 

“I’m sorry…” 

“It’s okay love, it’s okay.” Regulus brushes a stray curls off of their forehead and his hand comes down to rest on their cheek. 

James inhales before whispering a confession. “Last night when I found Sirius I was going out of the room to…” Their voice trails off again, but he knows what they were going to say. 

“That’s okay, I’ve got you.” There’s no point in saying any more than that. Not while they’re barely awake and barely able to do anything. There’s more days ahead of them, plenty of time to get better. 

Regulus doesn’t fall asleep first tonight. He waits until he can feel a difference in James’ breathing. He waits until he knows they aren’t faking it. They are melted into him in deep sleep. Possibly for the first time since that night. He waits a little while longer before letting sleep take him too. Though he doesn’t let go of them all night, they sleep more peacefully than they have in weeks. Both of them needed it desperately. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

LILY

“Just us?” Their voice falters, for no clear reason. 

Mary nods. “Yeah, we only have a few nights left… And you know we haven’t had the smoothest time between us, so what do you say?”

Lily can’t deny her that, she wouldn’t dream of it. This is her best friend, and she’s right. They haven’t been acting like it for a bit now. It will be good for them to get back on track now. Before they go back to real life and things get even more complicated. Before they go back and Lily’s world falls apart even more and she goes to someone else for comfort instead of her best friend. Except she shouldn’t think about that right now, it will only hurt her mood. 

“Alright yeah. Yes. Of course. Tonight?” 

It’s only mid day now. Though as soon as she agrees, Mary is off and telling everyone else that they will need to spend the evening hanging out in the other cabin. Something feels off, her gut twists in a weird way. Not a feeling she particularly likes, but there is no reason for it. Lily can feel the same tug usually only her sister can illicit. It’s not Mary, not really. She’s just thinking about going home in a few days. That’s all that is. 

She’s looking forward to a night together honestly. After all of this summer, it will be so nice. To just be with their best friend. Things have always been better when they are together. Lily is more at ease. That’s just how things are for them. Nothing to worry about. She seems to have ideas for the night that she doesn’t tell them, but that’s okay. They are good with surprises. For now they are laying on the dock with Sirius, enjoying the afternoon sun. 

“She’s not acting weird to you, right?” Lily asks, just needing confirmation that she’s making up this feeling in her chest. 

“No, she seems alright to me. Why?” 

“I don’t know… Just a feeling. It’s nothing.”

Quickly sitting up and turning to face them, Sirius plants her palms on the dock and leans forward. “You’re not doing that too. Why does everyone keep doing this?”

“Doing what?”

“Pretending you can’t let me see that you’re struggling! Making yourselves seem perfectly fine just because I’m not. Brushing any negative thoughts and feeling away. I hate it. Can’t everyone just—“

She had noticed it. Everyone is doing it. to varying degrees, some worse than others. No one should be. It’s not setting a good example for how to open up about thoughts and feelings. Lily has been trying not to, she already cracked earlier this summer for everyone to see. When she brushes it off it’s not for their benefit, even if it may seem like it. 

It’s for herself. It’s because thinking about her sister gets to be too much. 

Still, she surrenders. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t what I was trying to do, I just caught myself overthinking and was trying to stop it. That’s all.” 

“Okay well, what’s going on with you? We can talk about it.” He pushes just the right amount. 

“Mary is acting weird. Or I’m not over what happened with Petunia and I’m not ready to go home and face it. Maybe it’s both…” 

“She’s your best friend, you will be okay. I know she’s taken you being with Cas not the best, but you two will be okay. Isn’t your night just the two of you going to do exactly that? Reassure you. And I get how you feel about Petunia, if you want to talk about it anymore, I’m here.” 

If they can see it clearly like this, then Lily can push the thoughts away. She’s paranoid when she doesn’t have to be. Sirius is right. They are always good at knowing how other people are, at seeing through their armor, at observing. All of the ways they were failed by others. It’s a comfort to Lily to hear it from them, they can relax a little. 

They both return to laying side by side as the sun comes back out from behind a cloud. She drapes an arm over her eyes and squeezes them shut at the same time. Out of view, she lets a tear slip out and then clears her mind. At least for now. Until there is something to worry about for real. 

For the rest of the afternoon they slip in and out of silences, just the two of them. No one comes to bother them for at least an hour or two. They are fairly certain this is a record for Regulus to not have checked on his sibling. When they do talk, they talk about nearly everything. Dorcas and Remus, going back to uni, the summer in general. They don’t talk any more about Petunia, but Lily knows she could if she wanted. 

Sirius gets on a tangent during one of the bursts of talking about all of the things they now have to do. They have to re-enroll in university and transfer their money back to their account, and find a psychologist and actually prove to everyone that they are going to try. It’s a lot, but Lily promises to be there for them to lean on. Everyone will be there. 

 Things are going to be different. Better. If there is one thing all of their friends know coming out of this summer it’s that. 

The sun hasn’t even started to go down when Mary comes barreling down from the cabin toward them. “Hi Sirius! Mind if I steal them away now?”

“Course. Is Remus up there?”

“Yeah, think he’s reading on the deck.” She answers as they sit up and their hand is grabbed. “Come on Lil,”

The two of them have had hundreds of nights just them. Spent watching films or doing each other’s nails or baking. Anything you can think of. She knows that Mary went out to the town today to get, well honestly she’s not sure. It could be anything. She was told nothing, but it’s Mary. She trusts her with anything especially planning a fun night. 

Every time the thought in the back of her head pops back up, Lily shoves it away. Why? There doesn’t need to be a reason. What is she thinking? They’re best friends, if something is wrong Mary would tell them. Is she still hurt? If she is, Lily will make it up to her. She’ll do anything to not lose her. Though it doesn’t seem like she’s losing her at least not with how things are right now. 

They wouldn’t be ignoring the rest of their friends to spend a night together when they will be living with each other one they get back to uni. There is always going to be time for them to spend together. Why the rush here? If Mary was done with her, she would be prioritizing everyone else. She would let Lily take comfort in Dorcas or anyone else. In conclusion, they’re okay. They have to be. 

“Okay so are you going to tell me what we’re doing all night?” She laughs catching her breath after they practically ran to the cabin. 

“Oh just everything. We have new pajamas and cookie dough and wine. Oh and pizza dough to make dinner. Should we start with that?” She beams at them. 

Lily shakes her head, they were silly to be worried about anything. It was just her sister getting in her head. “No, we should definitely get in these new pajamas first. Where did you even get them?”

“At a boutique in town! But we should wait so we don’t get flour or sauce on them.”

They wash up in the kitchen sink and Mary pulls out all of the ingredients and pans that they need. Looking a the kitchen it seems like they are feeding an army, but it’s really just them. That’s what their kitchen tends to look like in their flat, so it’s no surprise. Mary pulls out her phone and puts on their shared playlist that is constantly being updated and connects to a speaker that fills the entire cabin. It can maybe even be heard next door if they aren’t loud too. 

The prep which should take ten minutes, if that, takes thirty. They dance around the kitchen and flick flour at each other. Making a proper mess of the place. It’s the most free Lily has felt with her best friend in weeks. She needed this desperately. There is no hint of awkwardness. Not even a little bit. Nothing matters except that they love each other, even though it may be in different ways at different times. There is no arguing that they do love each other. 

Standing close to the oven as it heats up isn’t the only thing keeping them warm. The laugher in the air is warm, Mary’s smile is warm. Lily just feels lucky. They could just melt with how happy they feel right now. Genuinely letting go of all of their worries and just being. 

“Okay pizza is in the oven!” Mary calls over now. 

“Wine is open!” The bottle makes a slight pop.

They move seamlessly together. Dancing through the kitchen pulling out the plates and glasses they need. There is no one else that Lily could do this with and still feel perfectly at ease. It’s so easy with her. Years of being in each other’s orbit has really made it simple. Not just in each other’s orbit, but a driving force in the other’s life. Never as more than friends, but that doesn’t make it any less strong. 

Before the pizza is ready to come out of the oven they are already refilling their glasses. The bottle is half empty so early in the night. Lily has a sneaking suspicion that there is another bottle waiting for them. Everyone has been drinking less since that night, mostly just because they are all together so often. Sirius has never said that they mind, but they aren’t allowed to drink on the meds they take, so everyone has been relatively sober. 

Tonight is an exception and they have a feeling this will be up there as one of their drunkest nights. The more Lily is laughing, the more wine they are probably drinking. And with Mary there is no limit. It’s a magical thing for them, if it is just the two of them drinking, they can have more than usual and still not end up with a hangover. The second someone else is involved, the closer they get to one of them spending the night in the bathroom and spending the next day in a dark room hating everything. 

It’s a super power that they can’t explain. Something about just being with their best friend. Lily never tires of it. 

They take a bite finally, nearly starving. “This is so good. Why don’t we make pizza more often?” 

“Have we not?” Mary answers a question with a question. 

“No, but we need to start. Oh I have an idea. Weekly pizza nights!” 

Mary only hums noncommittally. Taking bite of her own slice. The silence that comes with eating is no less comfortable than any other silence. Music that they both love play sin the background. She can hear it, of course, but the steady sound of Mary breathing is more prominent. It helps to soothe her. She’s more than distracted from the thoughts in her head, but she can’t stop the feeling in her chest that tries to creep in at any chance. 

“Movie after we eat? Any you want to watch?” 

“I was thinking we could talk, we haven’t done as much of that since… Well anyway, we watch movies all the time. I want my quality Lily time.” She offers a half smile. 

“Even better. I need Mary time too. I’m glad we kicked everyone else out.”

“Oh are you? I would have thought it would take more convincing for you and Dorcas to separate.” She teases. 

“It’s not like that… Yet. Ever since we— are you sure you want to hear about them? I don’t have to talk about it. I know it could be hard to hear.” They stop mid thought. 

“I promise it’s okay. I’m happy for you. Really.” Mary pushes, and they know better than to keep questioning her when she sounds sure of herself. She’s certain that she’s happy for Lily and that’s what they need to believe. She would tell them if she wasn’t.

And the thing is Lily knows how she must feel. When they had feelings for her it was awful watching her essentially fall in love. Not even with someone in their immediate group of friends. Definitely not while they were on a summer trip staying in a cabin together for two months. This has to be worse. Unless Mary’s feelings aren’t as strong. She’s not also dealing with a sister that wants nothing to do with her. She’s more stable, more capable of dealing with her feelings. 

“If you ever change your mind, just tell me. Yeah?”

“I’ll tell you.” Mary nods, though they aren’t sure if they really believe her. 

They swallow the anxiety down, allowing the corners of their mouth to turn up talking about them. “Since we kissed, it’s just been nice. We aren’t rushing into anything, we’re just seeing where it goes. Enjoying what we have now. Besides, we’re here with everyone it’s not exactly the time to start dating or anything like that.” 

“Well James seems to think otherwise.” She pauses after saying it before the both burst into a fit of laughter. 

This gets them on the topic of the most unexpected relationship of the summer. Somehow they have barely talked about it before now, even though those two have been dancing around starting a full on relationship for at least five weeks, honestly more. The better part of the summer for sure. Not counting the on again off again pattern of the last two weeks or so. More has happened between them than anyone could have predicted and more than anyone can keep up with. It will be interesting to see how that turns out after the summer. 

Gossiping is a common occurrence for the two of them. Most nights in their flat they will spend an accidental hour or more nearly every night talking. Even after mary declares it’s time for bed. How they have new things to share every night is beyond them, but it just happens. One will be in their room, most often Mary, and Lily will appear in the doorway just to share a passing thought. Then its one in the morning and Lily is sitting on the floor and they have no idea how it got to be that time. 

It’s only the natural way of things. Lily is a younger sister, of course she’ll show up at the door and lurk in the doorway until she’s asked to leave. Sometimes that never happens and she’s ended up crawling into bed with Mary so they can talk until they are fast asleep. Part of her wonders if they will ever do that again, and if they do, how long it will be until then. 

That doesn’t have to happen right now though, they’re able to just talk with no end in sight. A full bottle of wine is gone and as expected Mary was prepared with a second. About halfway through this bottle is when the conversation takes a turn. 

“What’s gonna happen when we go back…” Lily says we, just because she won’t be able to do it alone. 

Mary sips from her glass tilting her head as she swallows and quietly asks, “What do you mean?” It sounds as if she is afraid to say more.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do about Tuney. What do I tell my parents? Do I stay there or just go back to the city early?” 

“What do you want to do?” She’s being cautious, handling her with kid gloves. 

She wants her sister, that’s always going to be her answer. 

But she can’t have that, so her friends are the best thing. Even when Petunia is an option, or rather was, their friends are still everything to Lily. Nothing can replace a sister though, she’s never trying to. They play different roles in her life and she doesn’t know how to go on without a sister. That’s just her life now though. No choice in the matter.

“I think I just want to enjoy our last year before we go off after school.” 

Without her noticing Mary has slid closer to her, an arm wrapping tightly around her shoulders. They’re sitting on the ground at this point, they moved off the sofa at one point or another. She thinks it was during a fit of laughter that she can’t remember now. Lily lets their head fall on her shoulder and her eyes flutter shut. Accepting the comfort. Not their strongest skill, but with Mary it’s always been easier. 

“Then that’s what you’ll do.” Her chest rises and falls deep. “If you want to do anything about Petunia, then you can but it shouldn’t ruin anything else.”

“I guess yeah. I don’t have to figure it out now.” She pulls away and shakes it off. 

The thoughts don’t immediately dissipate, but they will soon enough. Maybe all it will take is another glass of wine. They fill their glass nearly to the top, drink a large gulp and then top it off again. The more they have drank through the night, the easier it goes down. Currently tasting exactly like juice. Everything blurs ever so slightly and it’s a lot easier to give in. To give herself over to simply having a good night with her best friend. 

Lily jumps up once the glass is empty and throws a hand out to pull Mary up with her. Grabbing the nearest phone, they turn the music up high enough to drown out any lingering thoughts. The two of them dance around like they always have. Like they did when they first broke the ice and got to know each other a week or so after they met. Care free and happy. Like nothing could go wrong. Nights like this might even be why she fell in love with Mary. That was a long time ago though. Similar but not quite the same. 

The air is light and they are free. Nothing can weigh them down at least for this moment. Sometimes this is all they need. A pause on everything else going on. To catch their breath and catch each other. Making sure they have a tight grip in case anything happens. 

He eyes go blurry from the wine so she just closes them. Their hands are linked and that’s enough to ground her. Enough to make everything feel okay. Just staying in this moment for a little while longer. That’s all Lily wants. Sure they have two more nights with everyone and then only a couple of weeks before they are back at school together, but they will never have exactly this again. It keeps her in the moment. 

With an arm out and holding onto Mary, she twirls under their arm. They can practically hear her smile, though their eyes are closed and enjoying the warmth filling her chest. There’s a small sniff and a light chuckle. It rips Lily’s eyes open, but they don’t let their expression fall. Not until they’re certain. 

Softly she pulls Mary in and drags the pad of her thumb across her cheek. Swiping away the smallest of tears that had fallen. 

Something in her shatters, but she can’t tell what. The glass cracks. Is it ice she’s standing on or a mirror reflecting back reality?

“What is it?”

“Nothing, no it’s nothing. I promise Lil. Just happy to be here with you.” Mary rushes to say. 

“Are you sure?” 

She nods. “Yeah, promise. You know me, I get emotional sometimes.” Except, that isn’t always true. It’s not a regular occurrence, definitely not without reason. And the tears don’t stop at the two that Lily already collected. 

As they have promised to do now, they catch her when she falls. Not always literally, but Mary does fall into their arms now. Burying her face in their shoulder, hiding any further expressions, muffling her voice. Blocking everything out while still indulging. Lily happily holds her, she would never turn her away. 

There’s a pit in her stomach telling her that something must be wrong. They stand there leaning on each other. It gets more and more worrying the longer Mary cries. The longer she doesn’t say anything. They could fix whatever it is, Lily can help make anything better. Or be there for her to talk to. Though she can’t push, not after their fight about Mary pushing too much. She can just wait. She can just be here and wait. 

“I— I didn’t mean to do this. I don’t want it to ruin the night, let’s end it fun.” Mary snaps back to her more bubbly self. 

“We’ve had fun, I’m glad we did this. Do you just want to go to bed?” 

“Actually I think that’s a good idea. Okay yeah.” She’s exhausted, even if she won’t let on. 

“Come on, I’ll do your hair. We can talk if you want, or you don’t have to. I’m here either way.” 

She only nods, which Lily interprets as no talking. They understand. Of course they do. It’s not something to push on. Mary will be okay, she’ll come to them when they need to. It’s how she prefers to do things. And she always comes. When the emotions are less overwhelming, when she can handle actually talking about it. 

“Two twists?” Lily asks as Mary changes into pajamas, she nods. “Perfect, come sit when you’re ready.” 

Lily settles on the bed, knowing that she won’t be sleeping here tonight. She’ll be back where she has been for a week or more now. With Dorcas. Is that what this is about? It could be. She wouldn’t blame her if it was. It’s only natural to hate seeing someone you love happy with someone else. They would know. 

It doesn’t take very long at all, they have done this before it’s a simple routine. Mary adjusts to lay facing away from Lily at first. She would rather they face each other, she wants to talk. She wants to help. But whatever Mary wants, whatever will be better for her. So she shifts to lay, over the covers and facing the ceiling. Silence takes over and it’s thick. 

There’s something Mary isn’t saying. Something that she can’t say for some reason. All Lily wants right now is to be wrong. They can’t be right because if they are right then nothing is going to be the same when they go home. If they are right, then this is the end. But it can’t be the end. 

“Mary?” They whisper, unsure if she’s still awake. “Can I ask you something?”

“Okay,” Mary sucks in a breath, holding it. 

“We’re still going to be friends and have each other when we go home right?” 

Saying it out loud sounds silly. Of course it does. Who asks their best friend if they are still friends? It’s just plausible enough, there’s just enough worry and doubt that has settled in that Lily is even thinking this. So there is some basis for the question. Right?

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Of all the things she could have said to reassure her, this did nothing. 

This time Lily lets the quiet take the lead. Suck her in too. What else is there to say? That she’s still not convinced this wasn’t a goodbye night, that she’s worried she won’t have anyone after this, that the pit in her stomach is growing. There’s too much and not enough and it’s all overwhelming. 

Thankfully Mary rolls over, though there are still tears rimming her eyes. More than before. It gives a little sparkle to them, not that she ever wants to see her crying. A weak smile lands on her lips and her eyes flutter shut. There will be no more talking tonight. At least not with her. She’s always been good at falling asleep, only a few minutes go by before her breathing settles. 

Her far hand reaches across and cups Mary’s face. A feather light touch just barely resting her hand there. More tears have pooled by her eyes and she hates the sight. Lily wipes them away, and as if by magic her own cheeks are wet. Had she started crying earlier? No, Mary would have said. Now that it has started though, the flood gates are open. She’s a wreck and she’s losing her best friend. 

Carefully she checks once more that Mary is asleep, she can see her steady breathing already. But just before leaving she does it anyway. It’s a habit now. That she does quickly, but she doesn’t change or grab a jacket or look in the mirror to see how she looks before running. Lily is out the door only seconds after pressing a soft kiss to Mary’s forehead. 

A sign of affection, a plea for things to not change. 

It’s late, but not too late. Everyone is still up from what they can tell and watching a movie. They go up to the front door, not really wanting to disturb everyone. It’s not a conscious decision though. Their feet are moving without input from her mind. Just go, move, find someone something. That’s all they’ve got. 

Lily doesn’t have to do any of the hard work. They don’t have to think. Just getting over to the other cabin is enough. They walk through the door, it shuts louder than they thought it would. That gives enough information apparently, because ten seconds later Dorcas’ arms are around them. Holding them tight. Holding them together. 

“What’s wrong?” They pull back to hold her face, looking for answers through her tears. “Lily, talk to me. What is it?” 

“I think Mary is— I don’t know but I think I’m losing her. For real this time.” She hates saying it out loud, but as soon as she does it feels more real. 

This is all that Dorcas needs to hear. They don’t go back to grab anything, Lily doesn’t see anyone else. Together they walk back and Dorcas takes most of the weight, holding her up to keep her from crumbling. This isn’t fair to them, she thinks. This isn’t what they signed up for. Still she’s grateful, she doesn’t know what she would do without them. It’s dark and they nearly trip over more than once. Caution for what’s on the ground is not a top priority at the moment. It would honestly be fine to get hurt, what does Lily care right now? 

Once inside again, Lily focuses to see if they will be ale to hear anything from Mary. Nothing. That’s expected, but they still have unanswered questions that they would really rather know more about. instead Cas leads them to their shared bedroom and helps them get settled. This is when the tears come back. They could be seen before, but Lily was doing everything they could to hold more in. To make sure more didn’t sneak out. 

As much as they try now, there’s nothing stopping it. 

“Can you explain?” Cas sits on the bed with them and maneuvers Lily to lean back against them. 

“She seemed off. It feels like I’m losing her. She— It’s… I don’t know, it’s complicated.”

The amount they stumble through talking doesn’t faze them. “You aren’t losing her, but maybe it just feels that way. Now that we’re… whatever we are, things have changed for her. That’s okay. That will be okay, it just might take time.” 

“I don’t want it to take time.” She whines. You can’t always get what you want, she hears her sister’s voice in her head. 

Dorcas soothes her, though the feelings don’t leave, but just being with them makes everything more calm. More manageable. Except for this. Lily feels ready to take on anything that could come their way, except for what she has to deal with right now. It’s not fair. This was never something she could prepare for, it’s not even something she could possibly begin to cope with in the future. It’s too far out there. 

Which means this is all in her head. It’s just the anxiety. Everything is okay. Maybe. 

“It’s going to be okay.” 

“Right… Do you think she would ever just… leave? After this be done with all of us?” Lily asks the absurdity anyway. 

“Why would she do that?” Cas answers, sounding too familiar. Too much like what Mary said when she was lying, deflecting. 

“I don’t want her to leave. We have to stop her.” 

“We don’t know that she’s even planning on leaving.” They try to reason. 

“I can’t risk it. You don’t understand. I can’t. I’m not losing Mary.” Lily holds her ground, this isn’t negotiable. She’s not losing anyone else. 

“We’ll talk to her, it’s going to be okay Red.” 

With their fingers running through her hair and soft words slipping into the air around them Lily starts to fall asleep. Slowly and with tears still staining her cheeks. Though it’s easier than it could have been. Dorcas holds them and tells them that it will be okay, they will make sure it’s okay. It will all be okay. 

When there’s nothing else to do in the moment, Lily just needs to hear that. They kiss her temple and that’s the last thing she feels before sleep takes her. Her dreams are no better than being awake. Every possible way things could go when they leave the cabin taunt her. She goes through every one more than once, never quite making it to what the happy version looks like. Only time will tell, there’s only two more days before it’s happening.