Part VI
Regulus
He is exceptional at avoiding things when he wants to. It’s possibly the thing he’s best at. Most of the time at least. It works by throwing himself into one thing that he’s focused on. Maybe it’s not always intentional, but he’s not someone with a one track mind. Regulus can divide his attention just as easily as he focuses it. Right now he’s just choosing to focus on Sirius and nothing else.
This does mean that he’s hardly talked to anyone other than Sirius, and by necessity Remus, for at least a week. A few conversations here and there with the others. None with James. That’s who he's avoiding. For good reason. He assumes. That’s not quite the point though, he has no problem ignoring them or not knowing what exactly may have happened. He can also accidentally avoid things without meaning to, which he also seems to have done.
His phone hasn’t stopped ringing all morning, finally he huffs and picks up while walking out onto the porch. “Hello?”
“So you’re not dead? We have been worried!” Pandora scolds through the phone.
“No we haven’t been!” A voice further from the phone yells. Barty.
“Confused maybe.” And there’s Evan, also chiming in.
“I didn’t know you were all back together again. Thought you were still traveling.” He mumbles, only slightly annoyed at his friends that he hasn’t seen in almost two months.
She sighs through the phone. “I met them down here in Spain a few days ago. We’d love for you to join, but I know you won’t.”
“I can’t. Not with-”
“Sirius. I know.” Pandora finishes for him. “What about James, still claiming you don’t have feelings for him? Pretending you aren’t happy to be staying up there with him another two weeks?”
Something sparks in him. Not a good spark. Fury coursing through his veins where it wasn’t before. Hurt overtaking the worry that has been his default for so long now. He hates it. Regulus was beginning to find comfort in how things were going. Making and eating breakfast with Sirius each morning, usually in silence. Existing together, closer than they have been in years. Spending his days without paying a single thought to him.
He hasn’t been the important thing in all of this. No, the only thing or person that is important right now is Sirius. Making sure they stay on track with their meds, keeping them functioning after all of this. He doesn’t have time for his own feelings or new found lack thereof. This does however remind him that he hasn’t told his friends any of this, mostly because he’s been… focused. But the specifics aren’t his to tell. He doesn’t even know the specifics at this point.
“He could disappear for all I care. Sirius isn’t speaking to him either. It’s just us right now, they need me.”
Maybe. He might be reaching with that. Sirius might not actually need him. They hardly ever did in the past. It would be foolish for him to think he’s that important. Though he will be here to help them regardless. No matter what. And if after they all go home Sirius decides they really don’t need their brother, well that would be that. Nothing he can do about it. Not after he’s fought for them all summer, fought for them to even just keep breathing. If that’s not enough then he will never be enough.
“Heard. I think you’ve lost it though.” He can hear a bit of laughter through the phone and chooses to ignore it. Or file it away for when he gets back and can properly whack his friends. “Are you taking care of yourself at least?”
“Well enough.”
“I will call one of the others up there to make sure you are.”
“I’m fine Dora! I’m taking care of myself as much as I usually do.”
Which is actually true. He hardly gets any sleep normally. Other people would aim to get more and do more when on holiday, but he doesn’t. There are more important things to do. He can sleep when he can be sure that Sirius isn’t going to try to kill themself again.
“That doesn’t reassure me at all, babe.”
“Yeah well, would you be any different if Evan had tried to kill himself?” He snipes with more bite than intended. He hears it after the fact, but doesn’t try to back track.
“Really?” She sighs. “Can you at least text us back if you refuse to do anything else I say?”
“I can.” Meaning, he will try.
“Thank you. Barty is dragging us out somewhere so I have to go. Love you.”
“Love you. Tell the boys I hate them will you?”
He can basically hear as she rolls her eyes and ends the call.
Back inside is no different than when he left. It’s not been that long, but still. Sirius hasn’t moved from where her head lays in Remus’ lap. A usual place he can find them these days. Music is softly playing, but not quite loud enough for him to hear it across the room. He almost doesn’t go over to them, but something stops him. The look on her face. Something is twisted up in her mind right now.
That’s always been a difference between them. Regulus can keep his face perfectly stoic no matter what he’s feeling, if he wants to. Sirius is easy to read. At least easier for him. Most of the time he doesn’t bother trying to decipher it nor does he care enough to. Until lately. it’s what he now spends all of his time doing. He’s been getting better at seeing past their mask to what’s really there. He knows all of the different looks they get.
Except this one. It’s new. Though at the same time something deep in him recognizes it. Only another second goes by, a flash across his mind, and he’s back there. A toned down version of it perhaps. But it’s still the same look from when he cradled them in his arms. That night when they first planned to die. Regulus doesn’t waste a second before he’s towering over the two of them on the couch.
Not the warmest or most graceful way about it, but he’s not going to let them die. “What happened?”
“Hello Regulus. I’m good, thanks for asking. What about you?” Remus taunts.
“I will hit you.”
“I take it you’re having a bad morning. Can we help with that or are you intent on making everyone miserable? We’re trying to enjoy ourselves.”
No one else pushes him like this and he hates it. Remus should not feel like he can do this. Keeping him from checking on Sirius. Aren’t they both here with the same goal in mind? Making sure Sirius is able to get better. He’s the priority. He has to be. It would be very easy for Regulus to spend his time making fun of their friends, but he’s not doing that. He’s focused like he should be.
“Fuck off. Sirius, what happened?” He asks again, dismissing him.
Their brow knits together and flattens out again a second later. “Nothing happened.”
“You aren’t doing okay, what changed since I went outside?” He knows, he can tell. So why can’t they just be honest. “You said you would try.”
“I am trying!” They explode.
Regulus takes a step back. But only just a step. He can’t let himself falter any more than that. On the other hand Remus freezes. He can’t pull away, even without Sirius still laying in his lap. They’re sitting up now, with a wild look across their face. Angry, hurt, even a little defeated. They don’t want help, they want to be left alone. They’re not going to be alone. Even if they started lashing out, throwing punches, biting, anything— he wouldn’t walk away now.
The first time and this time were still so very different. Including how he feels after the fact. He learned that he didn’t want to lose them the first time. Part of him already knew that, it just sort of settled in his bones that he didn’t want to. That he couldn’t lose them. Now though, it’s past that, it’s a fear. For a moment, or a few hours in a literal sense, Regulus felt like he was alone. Felt like he truly lost them. He will never live through feeling that again.
So at any sign of any movement toward Sirius reaching to death rather than holding onto life, he panics. He can’t help it. Maybe not the best thing to do, but the panic is hard to control sometimes. Still he tries his best. Like now, he doesn’t let his hands shake, he doesn’t let the panic take over. Instead he harnesses it and pulls it into action. Figuring out what’s going on, finding a way to help.
“Okay, you’re trying. That’s good. I’m glad you’re trying.”
“Don’t push.” Remus tries to warn, he dismisses him. What does he know?
“Want to get some air?” He instead suggests.
“Alone.” Yeah fucking right.
“Not on the roof.” He throws back.
Sirius gets up and stomps off. He doesn’t like it, for obvious reasons. At least they are feeling something. Something other than hurt and pain. Anger is new, it’s different and it will show them that they can feel other things still. It will do some good in the end. Besides, he’s not letting them out of his sight. Maybe out of his reach, but he’s keeping an eye on them.
The farthest they get before turning back to look is the fire pit. Regulus does his best to make it less obvious that he’s watching them, but that is exactly what he is doing. No shame in it. Sirius knows that’s what is happening. Instead of pushing their luck, Sirius sits in one of the chairs and stares out through the trees at the water. Knees pulled to their chest, head resting atop them.
He spends an hour maybe more watching. Their hair blows in the wind and he thinks about going down and giving them a tie to pull it back. They hate when it gets tangled, but Remus will end up helping with that later. There’s nothing else he can do but stare. With that comes far too much time to think.
The memory that floats to the surface is from when they would go to France over the summer with their parents. It was never perfect, honestly they hated it most of the time. The best part of it would be the mornings and evenings when they could sneak away and out to the garden. Or to the roof, though that’s not what he thinks of now.
They would run as far from the house as they could. That way no one would be able to see them if they just looked out from the house. To find them they would have to really go out searching. Very different from now, Sirius staying close knowing that someone is keeping an eye on them. Things were simpler then. Not better necessarily, but simpler. They just had each other and that was enough.
He’s glad they aren’t trying to run farther away. Maybe they aretrying. It’s harder than he realizes maybe, but they are trying. Their best effort may not even be enough, he thinks. That would be awful, he doesn’t know how hard it really is or what it will take. He’s the younger one, he’s not supposed to have the answers. Even though he’s always thought himself the better and smarter of the two, he wishes that Sirius could give him the answer to this.
They wouldn’t be in this situation if Sirius could do that though.
Most days end up like this. Sirius finding a way to get space and be alone for a while. Remus is usually the one to let them go. He can’t say he’s much of a fan of it, but lets it happen anyway. It would be worse to fight them on it. The possibility that it would push them farther away, out of his reach entirely, candidly scares him. He can’t let that happen, so this is his compromise.
It’s never for more than a few hours at least. They don’t send Regulus away when he inevitably shows up after an hour or two. He slips down next to them silently, letting them ease into it. Ease into existing around people again. Today is much the same. He sits not right next to them but with one chair between them.
“I’m here whenever you want to talk.” He puts it out there.
Today they acknowledge him quicker than usual. “Did I yell at you earlier?”
“And Lupin, yes.”
“I didn’t mean to.” Sirius admits under their breath, though it’s quiet enough to hear them clearly.
“That’s okay.”
Being near them, Regulus lets his eyes stray. Nothing can happen with them right here. He can hear his breathing so he knows that they aren’t going anywhere. Something about the sound of Sirius’ breathing, their heartbeat, has always been soothing to him. It probably started when they were much younger. The only consistent and caring presence he knew. He’s pretty sure he would snap in two if their breathing stopped.
They stay like this without any trouble. The last week has been good practice. Regulus has tried and failed many times at getting them to talk or say anything about how they are feeling or what happened with James. It’s quite the hassle with abysmal results. He’s settling for him taking his meds each morning and night without arguing. That’s more than he can expect.
It’s why he tenses when he hears them almost go to say something and then stop a second later. It could really be anything that they have to say, but they’re opting not to anymore. Or so he thinks. Assumes more like. Based on how things have been going, it would be a good and fair assumption. The moment passes and he thinks there is no show of her trying again for now.
He almost wishes that were the case.
“What is it?” He prompts, knowing they won’t say anything without prompting.
“Why won’t you let me die?”
As best he can Regulus stifles the sound of his heart stopping and his breath catching, though he thinks they must feel it the same way he feels theirs. “Would you let me?”
“Yes.”
He hears the word but knows it’s a lie.
“Really?”
“If that’s what you wanted.” Sirius shrugs.
It’s not true. He has to tell himself that. This is just how they are when everything going on in their brain is against them. Or it’s a last ditch effort to get what they want. Which they won’t, there’s no way Regulus will let them die. They wouldn’t let him either, regardless of what they say. The extent Sirius would go to if roles were reversed is far beyond what he’s doing. That may make him a bad brother, to some people.
A lot of things would make him a bad brother. Sirius wouldn’t seem like a much better sibling. Most people however are not from their family. It’s difficult to understand if you're not in it. This has been learned by feeble attempts at explaining it all to anyone. It makes perfect sense to him. He’s never hated anyone more than he hates Sirius, and he’s never loved anyone more either. Simple really.
That’s what this is too. Sirius hating and loving him all at once. They would let him die if he wanted that, accepting the loss, accepting the sacrifice. It’s bullshit. If Regulus wanted to die and Sirius didn’t fight him on it, if they let it happen, there’s only one way it would go. Sirius would follow suit. He’s certain of this because that thought has crossed his own mind. Not this time, but the first time. Had Sirius left him alone in both the world and that house, he would have died very soon after.
This isn’t something he can fight right now. Sirius isn’t up for a conversation. They pull their knees back up to their chest, making themself small. Their head rests on top again, but now facing away from him. Regulus almost gets up, but he can see them visibly jerk every so slightly, then freeze in place waiting to see what’s going to happen. So he stays. There’s nothing to do but wait it out.
After a while, he’s lost in thought, only pulled back by Sirius’ voice. “Can you—”
“Anything.” He wants to throw up at the desperation in his voice. “Sorry, what is it?”
“Don’t be such a push over Reggie.” They almost make a joke.
“Maybe don’t die then.”
“Haven’t yet! Still trying.”
A beat too long, and Sirius is back with their head down waiting for something to fill the air.
“I just wanted you to get a lighter out for me I don’t know where mine went.” They say when he lets the air grow stale.
“You’re not supposed to be smoking. The doctor was clear on that.”
“So you took all my lighters?” They accuse.
“No, I have no idea where you keep them.”
“Oh I think I know where they— Never mind. I’ll just…” Sirius trails off and nothing changes.
When they look away Regulus tries to study them. Anything they used to put effort into hiding isn’t so hidden anymore. Their scars are out more often, however they still end up hidden under some of their shirts. Their hair isn’t as tidy as they would keep it. Everything is just slightly off from the Sirius he knows. Something isn’t quite right. Or the Sirius he thought he knew, that everyone thought they knew, was never right. Always hiding something. It’s aggravating.
Now though he can read them plain as day. The cracks are all visible. Is this his sibling? Who they really are? He loves them all the same, of course he does. It’s just jarring. It’s taking some adjustment for him to know how to be with them. How to still joke around, but to be able to tell when they aren’t joking anymore. To see how all of this time they have been struggling in plain sight.
“I’m not getting you a lighter.”
Sirius rolls his eyes and almost looks like himself. “If you do I’ll tell you what happened with James.”
“I don’t care what happened with them. I don’t give a shit about them. I care about you and making sure you’re not messing with the meds you’re on by smoking.” He spits the words out of his mouth, almost hating the taste of them.
“Fine.”
Everything was made easier for him with James being out of the picture. When he goes back to his own friends after this it will all be a distant memory. The things that will be at the front of Regulus’ mind from this trip are the days in the hospital, the after of it all. Nothing before, it’s all tainted anyway. He still has Sirius, and they aren’t going anywhere, he’s making sure of that.
So why would he complicate it more by reopening the sealed box of James. He’s incredible at holding grudges anyway. They hurt Sirius, whatever else can be said on the topic isn’t enough to make up for that. It won’t make Regulus forget all about it, it won’t erase the anger and hurt in his own head. Whatever it was is done. He doesn’t care anymore.
The walls he let down before are just damage done, something he has to deal with. The fact that someone he has no need for in his life anymore knows more details about him, his life, his thoughts, he feelings, will all haunt him. There’s just nothing to be done. The trust is broken. He just never thought that it would be because they hurt Sirius, he hadn’t worried about that. That’s the most frustrating part. He thought that was one thing he could trust.
It’s all fine though. Regulus was prepared to come out of this summer without James, he just thought it would be by his own choice. Now though, if he could have a choice in anything it would be making sure that Sirius is away from them too. If they hurt him so badly this time, who’s to say they won’t do it again. Who’s to say that a week, a month, a year from now that James won’t fuck up again. That whatever could happen could lead to Sirius trying again. No, he can’t have that.
Except it’s better to know. Know the truth, know all of what happened. It won’t change anything to him, but he hates being in the dark. Ironic though, he’s never been scared of the dark. At least in true darkness he still knows his surroundings, he knows himself, he trusts it. Being in the dark with information, with other people, that’s what he can’t trust.
So he pulls a lighter from the pocket of his hoodie and holds it out to Sirius, not saying anything.
They immediately grab it from his open palm and sift through their own pockets to find whatever cigarette or joint they came out here hoping to smoke. It only takes a second and then they are holding it to their lips, flicking the lighter. Regulus carries them around sometimes, someone usually needs one. He smokes sometimes, really only when he’s really stressed out or if someone else wants to and he’s in the mood. Yet he’s the one who always manages to have a lighter.
“So.” He watches as they inhale and exhale routinely, knowing that this will throw off their medication a bit.
They don’t care, and he can’t blame them. At least she’s breathing, even if it is through smoke.
“That night… I told James I wanted to die. Told him I was going to kill myself.”
Regulus doesn’t say anything. He just lets them take their time talking about it, though it doesn’t feel hard or forced. At least it doesn’t sound like there is a strain in their voice like he’s heard before. This just has to happen on their time, so he won’t interrupt. He won’t say much at all until they’re done. There’s a lot he could say, a lot he wouldn’t feel bad about saying right now. He holds his tongue.
In the pauses, when Sirius is thinking or inhaling smoke, he thinks about that night. How he let Sirius walk right into his room, say that, and then go off. There’s more to it than that, he’s sure. But that’s what he knows now. James asked him to stay out for a bit while they talked. This is what they talked about? He feels sick to his stomach. While he was sitting there on the couch reading a book, his worst nightmare was set in motion. He could strangle James for this.
“It wasn’t a new feeling.” She starts, now talking like there is something caught in her throat. “It was just the first time I said it. We had been talking about other things too. None of that matters now I guess. We were just talking like we used to, it’s easier to talk about things with them under the covers. I know you don’t understand that, but-”
It’s like when they were kids and could talk to each other late at night or laying in their pillow forts or laying on the roof looking at the stars.
“Maybe you can. It’s like we used to be able to.” They’re thinking it too, his heart clenches. “Anyway… I don’t know. I wasn’t planning to say it, I just felt like I needed to. Like if I said it and it mattered then maybe I wouldn’t…”
He can’t help but pick up the end of their sentence. “It matters. You matter to me, you living and being here matters to me. It mattered six years ago and it matters now.”
They’ve never properly talked about it. Six years ago. Danced around it maybe, alluded to it, but not like this. Neither of them brave enough to bring it up. Knowing all that comes with any mention of it. The tightness in their chests, the pit dropping in their stomachs. All of the pain that floods back in far too easily. It happens even just thinking about it, let alone daring to talk about it.
“I know. It’s okay.” Sirius brushes it off, saying it’s not the time. “Too late for that, I still took the pills that night. I had been thinking about it for a week or so, I needed— It’s okay. Not what we’re talking about now, anyway. I told James and they just… didn’t say anything. I was laying there with him and he said nothing. He didn’t do anything. I just stayed there until I worked up the courage to walk out. Knew I’d have to walk past you out on the couch. I was putting it off. Eventually I couldn’t anymore, I just needed to be gone. Finally and truly gone.”
The weightless way those words flow out compared to the strain on others etches itself into Regulus’ mind and he wants to claw at it until it’s gone.
“When I got up James was asleep. Really passed out, you know how he gets.”
“God he can be a rock sometimes.” Regulus snorts.
“I thought you might like that about him. Won’t bother you in bed once he’s asleep.” A faint smile comes through and Regulus realises his words too late. “He was asleep. Or he fell asleep, I’m not really sure. He could have fallen asleep at any point really.”
“So you don’t know if he heard.” They won’t look at him.
No. Sirius shakes her head slowly. Just barely. She doesn’t look scared exactly, something adjacent to scared. Disappointed maybe. Somber. It’s unnerving to see. They never get like this, they’ve never shown this side. He can’t focus on the words on the truth of what happened, when all he can see is his sibling broken. Made up of fragments, trying to hold all of them together so that no one notices.
He should have noticed. He should have known. He should have he should have he should have he shoul- He was worried and he checked in. That last day flashes before him again and it hits right in his chest taking all of the air from his lungs.
“You promised you were okay.”
Almost like a magnet Sirius turns to face him. Tears brimming. Face falling. Barely breathing.
“You— You promised me.”
“I’m sorry…” That’s all they say, it’s all they can say.
They promised and they lied. They promised and he believed it.
Sirius now doesn’t look away from him. They’re stuck there.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
James
No one explains any of it to him. He asks and asks and nothing. He’s not even sure who has answers aside from Sirius. The thing is he’s not upset with them or whatever is happening. James doesn’t know what they did to upset them, but it had to be something. It had to be something awful and its eating away at him. If he could go back and undo whatever it is, he would.
For days now his parents have tried to make him feel better. Sirius won’t see them either. The thing is that James can’t care about his own feelings on this. He’s the one who did something wrong. His best friend is doing worse than he’s ever seen them before. It’s not the time for him to focus on himself. That doesn’t matter at all. Not when he should be focused on helping Sirius and making things right.
Of course Effie disagrees. She’s babying him as much as she can. Doing anything he needs, always being right there. James is grateful for her, really. His dad too, Monty is keeping him company. Whenever he’s not isolating himself pretty much. It’s a bit weird still having them here, and not for Sirius. They are why his parents came up, not James. So without seeing them or doing anything for them, it feels off.
None of it changes how they can hardly breathe without feeling like their chest is caving in. James never wants to hurt anyone. They do their best to always be good to always be helpful to always make sure their friends know they love them and are there for them. No matter what. This isn’t how James is meant to be. It’s not helping anyone. It’s honestly hurting themself and Sirius, he assumes. If he just knew why…
He doesn’t. It’s been a week since Regulus pulled away and locked himself up in the cabin with Sirius and Remus. A bit odd, but then again it makes perfect sense. When you think about it being for Sirius that is. The three of them aren’t exactly talking to anyone. Aside from a few stray conversations. Everyone here is in the dark as to what’s happening there. What’s he meant to do?
James has taken to sitting up on the roof at this cabin. It’s a smaller roof than the other one, but it still has a nice view. Usually they do this sort of thing with someone else, they do most things with someone else. The people he wants to be with now are out of reach though. Effie has offered to climb up with him a few times, though he declines. It wouldn’t make him feel any better. Or maybe it would.
Part of him thinks he should feel bad for a time. He’s not sure how long it should last, but he deserves to struggle. It’s not fair to Sirius that he’s thinking about his own feelings, but he can wallow. He can push away anyone looking to comfort him and maybe that could make up for it somehow. In some weird way. Penance. Time to think about what he could have messed up while he sits here with his heart constricting in his chest.
When he came up here today, he could already see the two siblings sitting together outside of their cabin. by the fire. As soon as they saw them, they almost turned around. To not intrude by seeing them if they didn’t want to be seen. Instead James stayed because he didn’t quite feel like explaining why he was back so soon. Effie would immediately know something was up, though there’s still nothing more to say on it. There’s nothing he can even say right now. It’s awful and confusing.
What he does do, is look out at the water rather than toward the fire. To keep from intruding at all. Not that he’s close enough to hear anything being said or read their lips. Until they’re ready to talk to him it hardly matters. James stays up there for a long time. No one comes to find him. Hours pass. Eventually he sees that Regulus has left and now Sirius is sitting there alone. Probably best he didn’t see that, then it would be too close to spying.
The worst thing is that for the past few days, Sirius hasn’t been the only worry on his mind. He’s been tossing and turning at night wondering what will happen to him and Regulus after this. If there is an after that is. He and Sirius can work anything out. No matter what they will end up okay. Years of friendship has built that foundation. All summer he’s started to build something new, something delicate with Regulus. It’s fragile. This could have just completely shattered it. Without meaning to. That’s how it always happens with him.
He shouldn’t even be thinking about that. They try not to. It doesn’t matter how he feels when Sirius is like this. James didn’t know how bad it was and wasn’t checking in as much as they should have. Maybe if they had been it would have been better, they wouldn’t have ended up in the hospital or worse. But no, they’ve been focused on themself too much that it’s gotten to this point. And here they are once again doing exactly that. Every time they think about Sirius and what they could or should be doing to help they end up back thinking about themself.
James feels like shit. He’s awful for it. It just won’t stop. He can’t stop doing it. He’s just horrible and maybe there is no way to fix that. Maybe he deserves to feel like this. Except thinking that puts him right back there. Thinking about himself. It’s a stupid fucking endless cycle and he can’t get out of it. He should just be fine since Sirius isn’t right now. That’s how it works.
If he could just go talk to Sirius. Then they could be helpful and not focused on their own feelings. Those really don’t matter. Sirius matters. He just— he gets stopped anytime that he tries. Or stops himself. Right now though, maybe he could. James could slip past everyone else, he can see Sirius and they’re alone, Regulus having gone back inside already. It’s worth a try, it would be doing something at least.
He climbs off the roof on the outside of the cabin to avoid being stopped by anyone. Even that doesn’t fully work. As soon as his feet hit the ground he can hear his mum calling his name from inside. He could have expected that. Effie worries and she cares deeply. He loves that about her, it makes her a good mum. And really James wasn’t typically one to sneak around or hide things from her or Monty, mostly because they were quite lenient with him, but it makes doing it now even harder.
“James! What are you—” She slides the door open before he’s gone.
“Leave it mum. It’s okay.”
“Are you okay?”
He sighs. “I’m alright. If I promise to tell you after if I need anything will you let me go?”
“You’re going to Sirius? Tell her we love her, we’re still here whatever she needs.” Effie’s face softens.
“I will.”
“I love you too.” She adds and James feels guilty.
It’s a short walk to the other cabin’s fire pit. Minimal time to be stopped by anyone. This time they will actually make it to Sirius. This time they will actually talk and figure out what happened. What went wrong. Things just don’t seem to go their way right now. Passing by the house he makes the mistake of looking around instead of facing forward.
Through the window he locks eyes with Regulus. Part of him thinks that he might just let him go this time. He knows better, so his hopes are very low. Regulus does though. He lets him keep walking. Just watching as he does. His hand twitches on the door handle, but he doesn’t do more than that. His eyes are heavy, heavier than usual, but he’s not pouncing on James like a guard dog. He’s not keeping him out, blocking him from making things better. A step.
Sirius has their back to him. He doesn’t expect them to move or turn to watch him approach. There’s no way for them to know he’s coming, but he doesn’t want to shock them. Despite having light footsteps most of the time, he tries to walk loudly. He makes more noise than necessary just to give them a heads up. Maybe it’s for nothing, they don’t turn to look. They’re not moving at all.
He just hopes they’re breathing.
As he enters the circle of chairs, they still don’t make any sign of acknowledgment. Purposeful or scared. It’s just nothing. Quietly now, James sits. They aren’t being yelled at to leave, so it must be at least okay. In all the time they have been friends, James has never been this on edge, this nervous, with Sirius. There has never been a reason. But right now something about them feels cold and he’s not sure how to navigate it.
Their coldness has never been directed at him. James has seen them go numb, he’s seen them shut down, until this summer he thought he had seen them at their lowest. That last part isn’t true, but the rest of it is. He’s seen them bad. Not bad enough, not nearly enough to know how to navigate this, but still. They’re best friends, he knows what he is walking into with them.
“Did you know I was coming?”
“Footsteps.” They say easily, still looking away.
“Right, that told you it was me?” James’ face scrunches in thought.
Sirius shrugs. “The loud version of you. Who else would it be anyway?”
“Reg or Remus?”
“Your footsteps sound nothing like either of them. Remus is more uneven, both less and more intentional at the same time.” It’s been a while since they have talked this much, he won’t dare interrupt. “He always sounds like he’s trying to make sure to walk right, but still doesn’t. Like he could lose his balance at any second. It’s a bit adorable, but yeah he could never sneak up on me. Reggie is barely there. You can’t hear it unless you’re looking for it, but I’ve known his footsteps his whole life. Sometimes when you’re at your quietest it could be similar, but you put more weight in your steps. He drifts above the surface of the ground, I think.” A pause. “So I knew it was you.”
James keeps from bringing attention to the fact that they said any of that, but he takes it in and tucks it away. He’s paying attention now. More than he used to, and he used to a whole lot. There had to be something that he was missing. Sirius hid so much, he knows that too. The feeling in his chest won’t go away though. What more could he have done? Why could he never do enough? And the inverse of that, he has to do enough now. Nothing can go wrong again.
“No one stopped me from coming down. Is that okay?” He instead asks.
“He’s been stopping you?”
“Did you want me to come sooner? I didn’t think you did. I wanted to give you whatever space you needed.”
“Oh, I don’t know. It’s okay. You’re here now.”
He takes a breath. He has to control his emotions now, he can’t just be a wreck. Or show that he has been a wreck for days now. But they have to talk and they have to get past this. There’s no good way about it. He sits next to Sirius, different chairs so they aren’t on top of each other but they are still close. Something just relaxes inside of him being close again. He wonders if it’s the same for them. He hopes. God he hopes.
They’re sitting hunched in on themself, chin resting on their arms on their knees. Staring at nothing in particular. If he starts talking, he won’t stop. James will just start rambling and say something wrong in the process. They would end up hurting Sirius more. It’s inevitable, but only if he starts talking. If he can hold his tongue and wait for them, it will go right. It will be better for both of them.
The question is just how long does he wait? One minute, five minutes, ten minutes. In actuality it doesn’t get to ten minutes of nothing but the wind passing between them. It’s perhaps somewhere around six. At least he thinks that’s how long. That’s when he realises that Sirius would sit here in silence for longer. They don’t have anything to say. It has to be James now.
“We should— Sirius, please. What did I do?” It’s not the right thing to say, but those are the words to leave his lips.
Too focused on himself. Too harsh. Too unforgiving.
None of it is meant that way. James just wants to know what they did. It’s the worst way to have to go about things. Hurting people you love is hard enough, but not knowing how you hurt them is a different level. James has to do the extra step before he can even begin to make it up to him. But he’ll do anything, that’s not going to be a problem.
“What do you remember about that night before going to bed?” He instead asks in return.
“You telling me about Remus.” James flips through their mind. “That was most of it, that’s why you wanted to come into bed. I made Reg stay out until after.”
“Is that all?”
Is it?
“I think so. Oh, wait no. I thought this part was a dream, not that it’s an excuse to forget.”
“What was a dream?’” They ask softly , but James manages to not give in and stare. Too many people do that already.
“You started to say you had to tell me something, but you never finished saying it. I don’t know what it was.”
It starts to play through his mind again, how could it not. Still unfinished. James, I'm sorry. I want to d- James, I'm sorry. I want to d- James, I'm sorry. I want to d- James, I'm sorry. I want to d- A hundred, a thousand, a million different endings to it have gone through his mind when he can’t sleep. Each one now worse than the last. With what he knows now, after days absent from Sirius’ orbit, with much too many things going wrong and hard since then, he could only guess.
Die. That’s what Sirius said.
James, I'm sorry. I want to d-ie. Die. Of course that’s what was said, he doesn’t need to hear Sirius say it now. It’ll finish in his mind, the full version bound to repeat forever now. Maybe there was more after it, but this is already too much.
“You told me…?” James gasps, air refusing to reenter his lungs.
“I— yeah Jamie I told you.” They blow out, voice staying level but just for now, head nodding slowly.
“Fuck. I— Sirius I’m sorry. I swear it. I didn’t hear it. I don’t know what happened.” He feels as his own heartbeat escalates and that tightness rises in his throat.
Not the time for that. He can’t break on Sirius now. If they are holding themself together, so can James.
“It’s okay. You fell asleep.” Sirius shrugs.
“It’s not okay, I should have been there. I should have…” They should have done a lot of things. “If I hadn’t fallen asleep,”
“You did though.”
“But if I hadn’t, then you wouldn’t have right? If I had heard you, we would have gotten you help before you did anything.”
The question or whatever it is hangs between them. What ifs are never worth dwelling on. They don’t help anyone. They won’t get anywhere focusing on those. A lot could be different right now if he hadn’t fallen asleep. But he did, and then they downed a bottle of pills and was nearly gone. A chain reaction really. No wonder James has barely been sleeping. Subconsciously he knew something happened, his body knew it shouldn’t be sleeping now that doing so caused so much pain.
“I don’t know.” They say instead of confirming.
A lot of things should have been different. He can see the newest of scars on Sirius that they aren’t hiding anymore, and he should have seen them sooner. He should have paid attention and seen them when they were raw cuts and helped then. All of the days that they spent writing in their notebook, he should have just asked or pressed on it. Their quiet moods were worse than usual. All the more noticeable in hindsight. Not exactly helpful.
None of them noticed. That’s true, more than just James dropped the ball. Even so, James is James and this is Sirius. He should have noticed. If anyone of them would, he should have. If he hadn’t been distracted, if he hadn’t let his best friend fall to the back of his mind. So much could be different. He doesn’t know how he of all people missed it. Was he just that focused on Regulus? Is that the problem, is that why he didn’t know how badly his friend was suffering in their own head?
So this explains why Regulus won’t speak to him. He doesn’t blame him. If roles were reversed he might be doing the exact same thing. James is awful. He’s just awful for this. There’s no other way of putting it. There’s no easy way for him to fix anything. Sitting here next to Sirius, he feels like his chest is collapsing. He should have been awake to hear them and help them. He wasn’t and this could have all ended worse. Sirius could have been dead and it would be on him.
“I’m sorry.” He whispers barely louder than the gust of wind.
“It’s okay.” Sirius’ voice is heavy. “It wasn’t on purpose. It’s okay.”
It’s not okay, but he can’t change that. All he can do is be better.
An hour or more passes in silence. James won’t be the first to move, they are content just being back near them. They don’t say more about how they feel or how awful they are for how things played out. It wouldn’t be fair. The least they can do is spare Sirius of that. Holding it all in their chest as penance. Sitting with their own hurt. They hurt Sirius first, they don’t deserve any comfort for that.
To their surprise, Sirius is now standing up. They almost go to follow, just to stay with them, but maybe it’s better if they don’t. Maybe they need time alone now. So they stay sitting, which is just as well because he’s now squeezing himself into their chair. It’s not quite big enough for two of them, but Sirius doesn’t shy away from being on top of them.
“Comfortable?” They ask, a bit hesitant but hopeful.
“Mmm…” Sirius hums. “No one else is as comfortable as you.”
“Is that so? Have you tried sitting like this with many others?”
“Well Remus and he is quite nice to sit on. Until he makes fun of my ass that is apparently bony.” They lean into him.
“He’s not wrong. How is that going? Still in love?” He ventures into potentially dangers territory, but he can’t help it. He’s missed them.
“Oh definitely. Well, we’re getting somewhere maybe. I’ll tell you more about it later.” Sirius promises. “What about you? Still feeling whatever it is you do for my baby brother?”
The question catches him unprepared. Feelings for Regulus are still there in his chest, but it would be stupid to get his hopes up that there is still anything there. At least of the other end of things. If there is one thing in the world that he’s learned is always true is that Sirius and Regulus do not mess around with anyone hurting the other. Intentional or not. For possibly the first time ever James found himself on the wrong side of that and he’s determined to make it right now.
“Not sure I have a shot there anymore.”
A sliver of a smile flashes across her face. “You’ve never lost hope before. Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”
“Regulus packed all of my things and put them out of the room. And has refused to speak to me for over a week now.”
“Ah, don’t fret my sweet Jamie. He once locked me in my own room so that he could have the house to himself while our parents were out for a whole day. Then we didn’t speak for a few days and then all was normal. Reggie is a stubborn one, but he’s not unreasonable. Most of the time.” Sirius muses.
“So all hope isn’t lost?”
“Nope, I imagine you might even get a bed tonight. If you’ll come back to our cabin that is.” The light refracts in her eyes.
He’s not naive enough to think that it’s a glint or glimmer of hope he’s seeing. Just a trick of the light. The sun high in the sky hitting just the exact spot it needs to to mimic that look. That Sirius sees a future. With their intermission from talking, there hasn’t been much time for him to really see and check in with them. Make sure that progress, no matter how small, is being made. Hope to any powerful force that Sirius is not still planning or looking for a way out of this life.
Their arms slip around Sirius and squeeze. Gripping her tight and not daring to think about letting her go again. Feeling the pain of nearly losing her twice in two weeks is far too much for anyone. Let alone for James, he feels everything double. They never want to feel that again. Admittedly they never want to let Sirius out of their sight again. It calms him, soothes him, having them right here. Not that he hasn’t trusted that Regulus and Remus have been taking care of them, its just easier to do it himself.
It’s not a job, he’s not saying that. It’s just something he’s doing, taking care of them. James would do anything for them. This, being part of it, makes it easier to stay calm. To lessen the worry, keep it at bay. It’s only been two weeks since they tried to kill themself, but for the entire two weeks all James can think about is if they’re going to do it again. That’s starting to fade, the weight of it lightens. It’s still there, it’s not going anywhere really. But he’s holding onto them and is ready to pull them back at any sign of struggle.
Sirius won’t fall if James is holding onto him.
They lean into it. Head falling back on his shoulder, limbs relaxing. Safe. He is safe for them again, he thinks. There isn’t an alarm bell going off for Sirius anymore to be wary of him. Maybe there never was, but instead it was just a memory on repeat. Asking him for help and James not being there. Not knowing exactly what Sirius is thinking makes way for him to assume all of this, it’s probably not far off. They needed help and he wasn’t there, to them it seemed like he didn’t care to lend a hand. Then after it all he was enjoying himself without seeming like he had a second thought. He might as well have pushed Sirius off the cliff himself.
It makes him sick. James tightens his arms even more trying to bury that thought. That’s all he can do. Sirius doesn’t notice, or if he does, he doesn’t react. He can’t say anything about it, that wouldn’t be right. The feeling in James’ chest will just take up residence there until he’s sure that Sirius trusts him, that he’s made up for falling asleep. To calm his mind, or to comfort them, James lightly presses his lips to the top of their head. It’s going to be okay. They’re going to be okay.
There’s no other choice.
There is no clear idea for how to get back in Regulus’ good graces. James has been thinking about it. Even Sirius brought it up once again to see what the plan was. Any thoughts they had against this sort of-relationship have dissipated and only support remains. She wisely knows that just telling him that she’s no longer upset with James would not work. He doesn’t actually seem to care if that’s true or how Sirius feels on the matter.
He cares that they are trying, that they are taking their medication, that they aren’t going to kill themself. But he really doesn’t seem to give a single shit about what they think about his romantic interests. James is of course, paraphrasing. He knows for a fact that Regulus didn’t use those words, but it’s more entertaining to both of them to pretend he had.
What they end up doing after they are content with their best friend time to make up for the past week, is Sirius goes to the cabin while James hides elsewhere. This raises no suspicion with anyone, mostly because no one even bothered to check on Sirius during all of the hours they were together so no one saw James. This does bother him for one glaring reason, but that isn’t a concern right now. He was with Sirius so he knows that nothing bad happened, but if he hadn’t been…
Sirius is laying on the couch, he assumes, while talking to their brother. They helpfully called James, who is listening to the entire interaction. For research purposes. Just to gauge how Regulus might react to him showing up at the door tonight. It should be much better than last time he tried. According to Sirius, they talked to him earlier and there’s no reason he should still be upset. It’s been stated that James while a somewhat sleepy person, didn’t do anything else wrong. So Regulus should be at least open to talking to him again.
In the midst of Sirius talking, they do try to coax some feelings out of their brother. It fails miserably. No matter how many times they try to slip in the word boyfriend or lover or relationship, Regulus shoots it down and carries on with whatever he was saying before. Or then lets Sirius finish their sentence. He hasn’t missed one yet. Very pointedly denying that there is anything happening or that anything will happen again.
James knows that the mic is muted and there is no sound coming out of their phone. He still wants to yell through it. There is absolutely something happening between them and it would be nice if they could get back to that. In the background of the phone call he can also hear Remus, who is only instigating and agitating Regulus more. Laughing at each not my boyfriend and nope that leaves his mouth. He’s getting worked up, or likely fighting against being worked up. He just knows that Regulus looks adorable and he should be there to see it. So he can kiss him about it.
Except for now he has to just sit here and wait for an unknown amount of time and unknown conversation point. At least he’s not in the dark about what’s going on in their cabin anymore. It was starting to feel lonely even if he was surrounded by other of his people.
“Okay so what if we stop calling James your boyfriend and then you let him just come over instead.” Remus suggests.
“Am I getting to bed tonight without seeing them?” He can almost hear his eyes rolling.
“No. You have to talk to him.”
“No I don’t.”
“I think you do.” Sirius snorts. “I’ll kill myself if you don’t.”
His own breath gets stuck in his throat, the other side of the line is silent.
“I’m joking. Can’t a guy joke about suicide? No?” They sigh and their voice gets louder in the phone. “Whatever! James just come over, yeah?”
Through the phone it starts to sound muffled, like the phone is now being shoved into the cushions or being jostled around. Distantly he can hear Regulus yelling, but the words are not coherent. James hesitates, but as soon as the line clicks off he decides to chance it. Going over even if he’s not entirely welcome back yet. Worst case he goes back to the other cabin later, or sleeps in bed with Remus and Sirius,, or takes the couch. He’s just not going to miss the chance to get back where he wants to be.
Before he even reaches the cabin he can hear bickering. Possibly physically fighting. Maybe not the best, in normal times. This now though, makes them think things are starting to get better. Sirius isn’t as fragile, they are wanting to talk and laugh. They aren’t seconds away from falling anymore. If regulus is fighting with them, it means good things.
“— the worst. I will put you in a padded room.”
“I could still die in one of those.”
“If you die I will kill you.” Regulus snarls as the door slides shut behind him and his head whips around. “Potter.”
“Potter is it? We’re back to that?” He teases. “And no killing each other.”
“What about—”
“No killing yourself.” All three of them, Remus, James, and Regulus say in unison.
They huff. “But…, Okay fine! No killing myself.”
Any tension eases, well for the most part. A pout settles on their face and they sit back down, Remus by their side. Arms crossed over their chest. He watches them curl into Remus and watch him kiss their temple. Really he’s just avoiding meeting Regulus’ eyes. But he can say, and somewhat mean it, that he’s watching his friends because he’s happy they got here. Finally. Not just sleeping together and ignoring their feelings. Much better for everyone, James thinks.
Should he be saying something first, or waiting for Regulus to initiate? They’re already past the point of subtlety for tonight, he thinks. And really, he was more fighting against labeling their relationship or lack thereof than against James coming back. So they’re here, and that should be okay. Right? Sirius is okay with it, and both of them are focused on that being true more than anything else. In a way. They would drop anything for them, but Sirius also wants them to live.
Their thoughts aren’t exactly helping their case right now. As much as they tried to push it away earlier, it’s back and eating at them now.
“You’re back, I assume you also want to come back to the room.” Regulus breaks the silence, and causes a burst of laughter from his sibling.
“So formal. Is that really your proposition to get me into your bed?”
“I’m not trying to get you into my bed.” He rolls his eyes. “Let’s… talk.”
“Just talk?” James looks up not so innocently through their eyelashes.
He grabs his hand and pulls him behind him. “Don’t push it.”
This is good, this is a good thing. This is good, this is a good thing. This is good, this is a good thing. This is good, this is a good thing. James doesn’t deserve it though. They don’t deserve anything good right now. In the moment he can try to accept it and enjoy the brief moments of good. but he knows it’s not what they deserve. It’s far too good for all the pain he has caused.
If it weren’t for James, maybe none of this would be happening. Their parents would be happily at home, never having been called in the middle of the night. Sirius wouldn’t have fresh scars and new medication. The summer of activities would still be in full swing. All of the pain and sadness would have never happened.
So why should they get to have anything good? Something so good and so sweet to call his own. He just shouldn’t. It’s not fair to everyone else.
He can’t push Regulus away though. it wouldn’t work if he tried, and it would worry everyone else. There’s nothing that James can do but accept it. In the latest parts of the night when everyone is asleep, when he usually would be trying to be too, that’s when he can feel it all. He can pick himself apart for every mistake he’s made. He won’t get any sleep tonight, definitely not letting himself enjoy having Regulus back in his arms. if that’s even a possibility. Just laying awake all night, every night. He’ll be there this time, he’ll be there no matter what time Sirius could need him at.
“You’re a bit of an idiot you know.”
“How so?”
“You can fall asleep anywhere no matter the time or place.” Regulus is the only one of them to laugh.
They shrug. “Yeah.”
“I’m not upset with you, I know you didn’t try to hurt them. I may have gotten protective. Just a bit.” He assures.
“A bit?” James knows this is what he would say if he were feeling like himself, at least he can play the part.
“More than a bit maybe.”
It’s quiet between them the rest of the night. Going through the motions of being around each other again. Only quietly communicating, or talking through brushes of the hand. Gentle, floating around each other. It’s all very careful, but not as hesitant as they expected. James doesn’t feel like talking, so this is fine by them. There’s really no question, they crawl right into each other’s arms in bed. Both of them need this, there’s no question there.
That night, and the next two nights, James doesn’t sleep. They haven’t been sleeping well to begin with, but they don’t let their eyes even think about closing. Holding Regulus makes that easier, it’s something to ground them. That’s the time that they can think about everything. Think about how awful they have been. Think about how they can fix it. Think about everything they have done wrong.
During the day James doesn’t tell anyone that they aren’t sleeping. There are no activities that let his tiredness show through, which is lucky. No one will catch on and no one should. He isn’t going to tell anyone how he feels. It would take the attention off of Sirius, it would open it up for them to start slipping again.
James doesn’t say anything when he and Regulus whisper in bed at night or first thing in the morning. James doesn’t say anything when one morning his parents mention that they might head home soon to give them all time to enjoy the end of the summer. James doesn’t say anything after talking to Sirius about how they really are, and they ask him the same thing. James doesn’t say anything when he can barely stand up with how tired he is. James just doesn’t say anything.
Maybe it’s hypocritical of them to want Sirius to talk about how they are, when they won’t do the same thing. But James is okay, they’re handling it and helping Sirius all the same. They don’t know how long it will last, how long they can keep this up. It just has to be until they stop feeling bad about how they messed up. He’ll just keep taking care of his people, taking care of Sirius and Regulus. What does it matter how he feels?