Part V
Regulus
It’s just like when they were kids. Sitting on the roof as the sky grows darker. Not saying anything. He’s just waiting. Waiting and waiting and waiting. Letting his mind get the better of him. Because Sirius told James. What is he meant to do with that? But they don’t want to talk, they aren’t saying anything more. So he has to give them the space to exist without the pressure.
Normally he would leave them alone if that’s what they wanted. Coming up here to get away from anyone, that was purposeful. Regulus doesn’t exactly think being on the roof was where they meant to end up. At least not consciously. So really there isn’t a risk that they are going to jump or do anything. He stays anyway, just in case. Though also because they used to sit like this outside of one of their windows after particularly bad nights when they needed an escape.
So he’s happy to be here with them. Even still, he needs them to start talking again. They haven’t said anything since they said it to Remus. It shut them down. Back to a shell of themself and he hates it. He hates seeing them like this. It will eat at him for however long it lasts. It’s awful. They aren’t meant to be this way. Sirius should be joking about shoving him off the roof right now. Not whatever this is.
No one tries to climb up with them. Regulus wouldn’t let anyone. The one time an hour or so ago that someone tried, he shook his head and made sure they walked away. He didn’t properly look at who it was. That hardly mattered. It wasn’t James, he knows that. The others that know would have made sure he didn’t follow. Not after the way he pulled himself away, how he yanked himself free from James.
He wouldn’t know what to do if they did follow. One thing is for sure, he can’t look at them until he knows more. It makes him sick. It makes him beyond angry. There could be more to it, but what if there isn’t? That night or morning at the hospital, there was something James said. Something about something or other that Sirius had said. It happened while Regulus wasn’t fully present, but he heard.
“Do you know, did they tell you?” Remus had asked.
“That they were going to-” James clarified.
But no, of course that isn’t what he had meant to ask. You would only think that if it had happened. Sirius paid attention then. Regulus was sitting with them and they tensed up. They heard, they knew what James was asking, and they knew that they had told him. It’s why they reacted. Fuck.
“No, fuck. Why would I ask if you knew that?” Remus of course wasn’t asking that at all.
It’s coming together and he’s getting dizzy thinking about it. How could he know and not do anything? That’s his best friend. That’s Regulus’ sibling. The more he thinks the more he can feel himself start to shake. It’s not right. He needs to pull himself together for them right now. They are the priority. The first time, when he walked in on them in their room ready to kill themself, he didn’t turn around and walk out. He made sure they would be okay. Eventually at least.
No wonder Sirius has gone quiet again. When they talk, even their best friend doesn’t listen. Not really. Not in a way that matters. He would go quiet too. Probably never speak again. If it doesn’t make a difference at a time like that, how would you expect it to make a difference ever. He knows that is what they are thinking. But he wants to hear what they have to say. Maybe not always, but definitely when it matters.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll sit here with you all night if you want.” He tries to sound strong.
If he had known they would be up here for so long he would have brought blankets or anything of comfort. If they don’t leave soon he’ll figure something out. Anything that doesn’t involve leaving them alone or James. Even the thought of him right now puts a pit in his stomach and a sour taste in his mouth, especially remembering how they were laughing and kissing earlier today.
Followed by a lingering sadness. He was prepared for them to not last. He was prepared for whatever they have, or now had, to be just a summer fling. Nothing more. A sliver of him hoped, but that’s been crushed. Crushed, stomped on, thrown out to sea. It won’t be coming back any time soon. It would take a lot for him to even speak to James again, let alone give over his trust.
“It’s okay that you don’t want to talk right now. I understand. I still want to hear anything you have to say.” If they won’t talk, Regulus can ramble. But only for Sirius. “I will ask you later to tell me what happened, but just know I’m done with him. I really am. I don’t think I can even look at him.”
Then he realises how things were just earlier today. “I’m sorry for being how we were. I never would have done that if I had known. I hate that I laughed with him when he did that. I hate that I’ve done anything with him since that night.”
“I love you Sirius.” He says into the dark when they don’t respond to anything else.
Not immediately, but soon after, Sirius leans their head on his shoulder. A small gesture, but it means more than that. Literally they are leaning on him, but it's also a show of trust. Maybe not forgiveness for what he’s done that has hurt them, but it's something. They don’t have to talk, he won’t force them to do anything at all. Other than stay.
It’s a big ask, still. He knows that and he knows that it’s barely been any time at all so he can’t expect them to be anywhere near better yet. This just shows him even more that he has to do more. He let go, he let other people that he thought care as much as he does try to help. That was his mistake. He won’t make it again. The only person here he trusts is himself and the only person he cares about here is Sirius.
They stay there leaning on each other for hours. Eventually it’s Lily that comes out to pass them a blanket. He nods to them as a thanks, but they don’t stay to talk. They know that now isn’t the time. Regulus throws it around him and his sibling and they continue sitting under the stars. They haven’t done this in a long time, definitely not for this long. He would enjoy it more if he wasn’t ready to crawl out of his skin for the reason they have this.
It doesn’t surprise him when they are still there as the sun comes up. Both of them awake. They were always good at living without sleep. Often times at night was the only peace they got, the only time they had to be themselves away from their parents. So most of the time they milked that for all they could get. All nighters were frequent, though not always spent together. He wonders if after Sirius left home they were ever up on the same nights in houses but looking at the same stars.
It’s unbearably hard to get them to move. Not that they really have to, but staying up here on the roof for even longer isn’t the best idea. Regulus has no interest in going inside and having to face James, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to start living on this roof. Sirius looks at him, pulling his head up. He’s been doing that every so often, never saying anything though.
“What do you want to do today?” He asks, not very hopeful for a response. “We should get down, but we can do whatever you want once we do.”
He looks at him with sadness running through the grey of his eyes and Regulus sucks in a breath. He has to be the strong one here. There is no big sibling to come and make him feel better like they used to when they were kids. This is his to take care of. Somehow he has to pull himself together. Somehow.
“Okay, no talking. That’s okay. That solves whether or not you want to talk to… them. How about we go and make something to eat, just you and me?”
To this, Sirius looks a bit more accepting.
“Pancakes?” Their eyes have a hint of joy, just the smallest bit. “Good then, let’s get down. No more running up here alone please.”
There’s a sound that comes from them. He thinks it’s a scoff or just blowing air from their nose. Of course they respond to that of all things. Though it is entirely their fault for trying to kill themself that he is now worried about their every move. Doesn’t mean he won’t follow them around and refuse to take his eyes off of them for the foreseeable future.
No one is in the house when they come down. He’s not sure who he has to thank for that, though it’s the least any of them could do. Regulus does a majority of the work to cook and he’s definitely not the best at it. But pancakes are easy enough. The help that Sirius does give includes pointing to where ingredients may be and mixing the batter after it’s already essentially done.
The two of them don’t have to talk to understand each other, making today much easier. There’s nothing more that Regulus wants right now than for them to be okay. Followed closely by wanting Sirius to explain exactly what happened. He needs to know and the longer he doesn’t, the more he will make it out to be the worst case scenario in his mind. Once he’s made his mind up it’s pretty set too.
It’s just not that easy to bring them out of this haze. Something has to snap them back most likely. He’s not sure what it will be this time. All he can do is be here while they work through it. He puts on one of their playlists, even if he doesn’t love Sirius’ music. It can play in the background to keep them from being in silence for any longer.
The two of them just exist for the morning and into the afternoon. Regulus gets their medication for them and tries not to harp on the fact that they missed taking it last night. Better to just get back on track. Now that he’s taking over again he won’t let them miss it. He’s going to make sure Sirius is okay no matter how long it takes.
It’s just them for a while. Then the door opens. In all of two seconds, Regulus is up and out of his chair standing between Sirius and the door. Somehow he instantly knew who it was. Maybe by the sound of their footsteps, or just a gut instinct. Either way he blocks his sibling from view and has no plans of moving.
“Is Sirius-”
“No. Get out.” He seethes.
“What? Reg,”
“I said no. I swear if you don’t get out of here… I can’t even look at you right now.” He keeps his hands balled in fists by his side to keep from shaking or worse.
Behind him Sirius doesn’t make a sound. He’s not sure that she even moves or breathes during the interaction. The thing that is hard for him is that he doesn’t have all of the information. He has enough. Well, enough for him to know he wants nothing to do with James. Not enough to know how to help Sirius. She has to tell him eventually, but until then James doesn’t get to see her either.
He sees them open their mouth to talk again, stupidly. “You don’t get to say anything. Whoever let you come over here is done too. Now leave.”
They turn to go, eyes about to burst. Regulus wants to turn around so he doesn’t have to watch, but he can’t. He can’t break and he can’t selfishly save himself this pain. No, all of this is for Sirius. So he has to watch as the first of what will be many tears slides down their face, magnified by their glasses. Before any more can show, James is facing away and walking out the door.
A selfish part of Regulus wonders if the tears are for Sirius or for him. In that moment he knows that even without knowing what happened, he has to talk to James himself, and not just for Sirius.
“They’re gone.” He confirms, though they could look themself.
No emotion flickers across their face.
Impossibly they continue on with their day. Just the two siblings. The message must have been relayed to not bother them in this cabin. Sirius eventually goes to lay down. Exhausted and running on basically nothing. Not even a will to live. He sits in the room with them and reads. Not necessarily to watch them, but because it feels better to be in their presence than to be alone. Or rather for them to be alone.
It’s around dinner time that there’s a knock on the door. At least whoever is making another attempt has at least some self preservation instincts. He can refuse to open the door if he doesn’t want to. Through the window he sees that it’s Remus, and he’s inclined to not open the door for him. After all he lost Sirius last night to the roof. But for them, he will hear him out. Though he will absolutely slam the door in his face, quietly so as to let Sirius sleep, if he deserves it.
“What are you here for Lupin?” It’s not nice, though it’s worlds nicer than he was earlier.
“Is- Are they okay? I came to check on Sirius.” Genuine concern courses through his words.
“They’re resting. I’ve got it, thanks.”
“Have they said anything more?” Regulus shakes his head. “When they do, will you tell me?”
“Perhaps. Depends what they say. If I find out anything like this but pertaining to you, you’ll never go near them again.”
Remus doesn’t seem to take his very real threat to heart. “Just tell me how I can help if I can.”
“You can go now.”
When he returns to Sirius, they are awake. Just staring off in the distance again. Just like before they started talking again the first time. Eventually they will. “It was Remus. I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see him right now, so he’s gone.”
Their eyes show recognition at his name, though not enough light for it to be definitively positive. It’s tearing him apart a bit right now. For years as kids he learned how to read Sirius’ face perfectly. They could have entire conversations between them without so much as blinking, let alone talking. They were like that their entire childhood. It always came in handy around their parents especially.
Right now though? He doesn’t have a fucking clue what is happening in their head. He’s at a loss. Regulus wants to scream, he wants to grab their shoulders and shake them until they start making sense. Until they start talking and explain what happened. He wants to find a switch to flip to get them out of this and to find their desire to live again. If he could he would wave a wand and fix everything and take away every bad feeling they have ever had and make it better.
He can’t do that though. All he truly can do is sit back down next to them and open his arms to them. Hold them when they want to be held, talk when they want to listen, and be there. He’s never going any where again. Not when he can be here with Sirius. Not when he’s the only one who can do this right. Regulus did it last time and he’s going to do it again. It just might tear him apart in the process.
For the first time, everyone seems to be letting him actually take over. No one bothers them for the rest of the night and through to the next day. It’s just the two of them in the cabin. Regulus doesn’t sleep much and he also doesn’t care where anyone else has ended up for the night. He can handle this all on his own anyway.
Late that afternoon, after another day full of sitting around in the quiet broken only by music playing softly from his phone, Effie comes over. Regulus sees her through the window before she has the chance to knock and he’s already uneasy. He goes anyway. Sirius doesn’t pay him any mind, they are occupied. This morning they grabbed one of their sketchpads and are content drawing. That’s a good sign.
“Can I come in?”
“That depends.” He doesn’t elaborate.
She sighs and he hates the look in her eyes. Sweet and caring and loving, all covered by sadness. “I’d like to talk. Just me, and I want to see how Sirius is. Would that be alright?”
At least she’s asking. She cares, and Sirius is usually quite fond of her as far as parental figures go. So he allows it. They go to the kitchen to sit and talk, out of range from Sirius but they are still within his sights. Regulus sits and waits for her to speak. It’s her who wanted to, not him. He was perfectly fine carrying on with the day as they had been, the same as they did yesterday.
“Have they been taking their meds? Sleeping?”
“Yes, other than the other night. I’ve made sure they stay on track otherwise. Sleeping is, well they were never one to be great at sleeping. But yes, I suppose they’ve been sleeping a bit. Could do with more, though they have napped during the day yesterday and a bit ago.” He’s honest, he has no reason not to be.
“That’s something. You can come to me if you need someone to lean on or need help. I want you to know that, even after this, you can come to me.” Effie assures him, but it stings more than it soothes.
He won’t be doing that. He can’t and he shouldn’t, no matter what she says. James is her child and he knows that she will take his side in things. Probably already has with what happened now, though he doesn’t know how much Effie even knows. Sirius may trust her and they may trust James too, but Regulus doesn’t. He may never. That’s okay, he can handle things on his own. He always has really. So no, the Potters don’t need to help either of them, and if it were up to him, all three of them would be packing up and leaving now.
“Is that all?” As much as he is fuming, he never once wavers in his respect and composure.
“I also think that you should hear what James has to say.”
“No.”
“I’m not going to intervene more than this, but it would be worth it. Sirius would.”
That doesn’t land how Effie thinks it will. Of course Regulus trusts his sibling, though he has never said they make the best decisions. Or even good ones for that matter. If she’s suggesting doing what Sirius would do, the same person who just about two weeks ago was in the hospital for trying to kill himself, well that would be foolish. It would not solve anything. And he knows as much as he needs to about the situation.
Sirius told James, they went to him for help, a literal cry for help, and they got nothing in return. That’s not forgivable. Not to Regulus and while maybe his own mum will forgive him for that, he won’t. He can’t. He can’t even think about looking at James right now. It hurts if he thinks about him. For more reasons than one.
“When Sirius tells me what happened then maybe. Though you should tell him to not hold his breath over it.” It comes out harsh, harsher than he means for it to.
“Please remember to take care of yourself too, Regulus.”
Then she leaves. She doesn’t force him to talk anymore and she knows to leave Sirius be. Though she looks over to them sitting on the couch drawing and tries to hide the sadness in her eyes. Since the first time, or a few weeks after, she’s been helping Sirius. Taking care of them as a parent should, doing anything they needed. It’s been years, and Regulus is grateful. Don’t get him wrong, he is glad that someone was there for them.
Though it should have been him. Maybe they wouldn’t be here again if Sirius hadn’t left.
That night, Sirius eats and takes their medication, then goes to bed. This all happens fairly early, but that hardly means that Regulus has time to sleep or do anything for himself. He does busy himself around the house, picking up after them in the kitchen and things of that sort. When all that is done and he sees that Sirius is still sleeping peacefully, he goes into his room. He hasn’t been in here at all.
First he’s just putting away some of his own things, and then he finds himself taking other things out of the drawers. James’ things to be exact. Now Regulus isn’t a monster or a barbarian, he doesn’t throw their things out or make a mess. He neatly packs it all into the bag and packs everything away. When he’s done he places the bag outside of the door to the room and returns to the couch.
He’s not sure when James will come looking for their things or when they will try to make amends, but when they do that’s what they will find. He could also even be nice, courteous even, and text one of the others to come and get it for them. Make it all easier. He decides not to. For now he just wants to take a minute to breathe, maybe even open one of his books. Or respond to his friends that he has been neglecting a bit while focusing on his sibling.
That’s how the rest of the night goes. He doesn’t have to properly watch over Sirius, they sleep through the night. Getting much needed rest. It’s an average night once he pushes the thoughts of why it’s like this away. He can close his eyes and be a kid again, he can close his eyes and everything can be okay. Just like on the roof, just like in the pillow fort. Everything can be okay.
The next day, around eleven in the morning to be more exact, everything comes crashing down. Regulus dozed off at some point, he hadn’t meant to, but it just happened. He wakes to banging on the door.
“Why is there someone hammering on the house?” Sirius rubs his eyes sleepily emerging from his room.
Breezing past the fact that they aren’t non verbal anymore, Regulus jumps up. “Looks like they’ve come to talk. I can send them away.”
Of course it’s James at the door. He isn’t in the mood for them either, and well. He can’t actually tell what Sirius is thinking. It’s somewhere between sadness and acceptance maybe. Or something else entirely. Though they nod when he mentions sending them away, clearly not ready to talk to them even if they are talking in general. Before turning away, he makes clear eye contact with James and motions for him to go.
“Breakfast?” He offers instead.
“Okay.”
He heaves a sigh. “Are you ready to talk more?”
“I guess. I don’t know. Can you-“
“Anything.”
“Remus. Can you get him too?”
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REMUS
He assumed that they would be ready to talk. That’s what he was told. Instead they end up on the couch, their head in his lap. Remus plays with their hair like he always ends up doing. It soothes them most of the time and he enjoys it. It’s just a habit at this point. For a long time they lie there with their eyes closed just resting. He doesn’t dare bother them or push for them to do anything else.
Except they can’t just stay like this. “Sirius, love.”
“Mmm” He hums in response.
“Feel up to talking?”
“Not really, no.” The edge that has been present in their voice recently isn’t there now. There’s not much of anything. That saddens him more.
“Regulus said you would.”
“Regulus is a lying son of a bitch.”
“Maybe.” He laughs. “But you should talk about it. We can’t get better if you don’t talk about it.”
At this they shoot upright and cross their arms over their chest. Remus hates when they get like this. Defiant, ready and willing to do everything they can to prove anyone wrong. In this case, well maybe it would work. If he’s saying they need to talk to get better, well maybe their mind will tell them that they can get better without doing that. And the whole getting better thing would be solved anyway. Except that’s a terrible idea.
Once when they were avoiding talking about something, it was something about Regulus he thinks, they went on an entire strike on all communication. Let their phone die and didn’t charge it, stopped talking completely, the whole thing. Went on for about three days. Sirius didn’t say a word to anyone, they didn’t write down anything they were thinking but wouldn’t say. Just… nothing.
They are unbelievably stubborn. Most often to a fault. It’s infuriating. Especially for Remus who is aggravatingly in love with them. He can’t compete. Even as stubborn as he can be, which as a child was very, he can’t win. So he’s somehow the less stubborn of the two. Though he doesn’t plan to fold against them now. Not until he gets them to a better place. Or maybe ever.
Because he is not letting them die. Plain and simple.
“I’m not talking to them right now.” They state quite firmly.
“That’s okay. You let me know when you’re ready to do that and we can figure it out. Get through it together.” He’s being as understanding as possible, given the circumstances.
His mind drifts to James, how could it not? He’s over at the other cabin currently, though he’s been sleeping at the hotel or wherever with his mum and dad. Remus and Lily suggested it, thinking that would be best. They’re the only ones that know the littlest bit that Sirius has said on the matter. Them and Regulus, who is not at all receptive to James coming over. He won’t let him anywhere near himself or Sirius for that matter. It’s a lot to handle.
“Fuck.” They breathe out, almost scoffing. “You’re really going to make me talk about it?”
“It’s either to me or we finally work on finding you a therapist. Which you aren’t getting fully out of either, this would just be speeding up the process.”
He knows them, he knows they hate talking like this. Their emotions, the real and raw ones, are never on show. You have to be chosen to get to know them. Remus is usually in the know, well sometimes. James almost always. Or so he thought. This… well this changes everything. No one knew how bad it was.
They have been together non stop for over a month and no one had any idea. Not a fucking clue in the world that Sirius was this bad, that they were going to try this. He could kick himself over and over again for this, for not seeing the signs. But what good would that do? None, and he knows it. So he just has to keep going and take what they’ll give him now.
“I hate this.” Sirius starts. “I hate you.”
“No you don’t.” he teases.
Their eyes roll, and he sees a genuine smile threaten to cross his face. “No, I don’t.”
From there they talk. For a long time. Sirius goes through how long they have been feeling this way, in recent times they specifically note. He would ask to start from the beginning but he knows that’s a much longer story and a much larger feat to tackle. Not for tonight. He won’t let this go anymore though, they aren’t going to slip through the cracks anymore.
He can tell a lot of what they say is being glossed over. A half truth. Again, he doesn’t push. If it’s relevant now they will say it. Otherwise it will come out later, or will be something to work through with a psychologist. There’s really only so much Remus can do. He’s just their friend, not even actually their boyfriend or anything more. So it’s complicated and he’s definitely not in a position to walk them though their trauma and emotions.
“It started to get worse while we were here. I didn’t think it would but…”
“You couldn’t stop it. I understand.”
Sirius stops looking at him, he doesn’t blame her. “I didn’t think anyone really cared if I was here or not. I— I need you to know that I wasn’t planning it when we came on this trip. It wasn’t even a thought. The summer was supposed to be good.”
“I know, love. It’s okay.” He tries to reach out a hand but it’s not accepted.
“Everything just got— It was so loud in my head. I wasn’t needed here. And even Reggie, he didn’t want to be here until James.”
“Is that why—”
“No. I don’t have a problem with them being together really. I was happy for them it just didn’t go well with feeling unwanted.”
“I want you here. I always do.”
Their hands start to shake but they grab them quickly. “Can we not do that right now? Please?”
He just nods. Anything they need, anything that will make this easier for them.
“I didn’t know how to ask for help or tell anyone how bad it was. I’m normally okay, how could I just stop being okay?” His voice goes unsteady, there are tears brimming in his eyes.
“It’s okay. Can you keep going? We can pause if you need.”
At that they nod. Not ready to keep talking, and that’s okay. It’s breaking his heart to listen, it’s breaking it more to see them like this. Most of all his heart shatters knowing that he was one of the ones who didn’t see how bad it was. He could have done something. He should have. Those days that Sirius was quiet, he should have pushed to see if they needed anything. He knows he messed up then. Remus just wants to make it up to them now.
Maybe that’s not easy to do. Things like this don’t just go away. He can’t just wish them better. But he will sure as hell be by their side always. The entire time, until they feel better, until they feel strong enough to do things on their own. Even if that never happens, Remus will be here. Anything they need. It’s all he can do.
Sirius drifts off in his arms at some point. When talking became too much, they fell into him and of course he accepted them into his arms like that’s the only place they have ever belonged. Like they are the only person he’s made to hold. It doesn’t solve anything, but he hums next to their ear attempting to soothe them as much as possible. It eventually lulls them to sleep. His chest is heavy, not because of them, not because they are laying on him. Just with all of it. That makes him feel like shit, this isn’t about him, this is about Sirius.
“So?” Regulus appears in the doorway leaning against the frame.
“It’s not good. But they didn’t say all that much. No specifics.”
“Do I need to kill him?”
He shakes his head. “James is their best friend. Whatever happened, we’ll figure it out.”
That’s what this really comes down to. If it were anyone else that Sirius said that to, well yeah Remus would be out there leading the charge with a pitchfork in hand. But it’s not just anyone. It’s not someone that just happened to hear Sirius say they would kill themself and did nothing. This is James. Fucking James who they love more than anyone. It’s not someone else, it’s him and that changes everything.
Across the room from him he can see that this means absolutely nothing to Regulus. He’s still ready to riot and it would be actually concerning if they were in the same room. It’s best for everyone to keep them separated. They really just need to focus on Sirius. Even if that still has to do with them, dealing with James doesn’t fix them.
They can talk to James on their own time. He doesn’t have to know what this is about right now. There isn’t really a way to talk to him about it without knowing the entire thing. So for now Remus will hold them, he’ll take care of them and he’ll do it all with Regulus watching over his shoulder. That last part he doesn’t get a choice in. Regulus is hardly leaving his sibling out of his sight.
When he looks up, he’s still seething. “Regulus. I mean it. We just focus on helping Sirius feel okay enough, then we can figure out James. I know it’s complicated for you and your feelings, but put that aside.”
“It’s not complicated and I don’t have feelings. I’m done with him.”
“Okay, if you’re sure.”
“Can you just— Fuck off, firstly. Now just tell me what they said.” He huffs and sits down to listen.
The rest of the night is spent like this. Regulus does doze off for a bit, but still sitting in the chair and only for an hour at most. The whole time Remus keeps his arms around Sirius and a hand in their hair. They don’t wake up for even a second. He knows the sound of their breathing and knows the difference between awake and asleep quite well.
He tells him all of the same things Sirius said. A lot of it doesn’t seem to shock him, though he just nods along for most of it. His eyes have something behind them, almost a sadness creeping out. Though he hides it exceptionally well. Just like Sirius must be doing all the time. That worries him, he doesn’t know how to break through that. It’s not his place to do that with Regulus, but he can’t let that go on with them. He’s going to need them to talk to him.
By the next day Sirius is a bit more alive. They get up from the couch without Remus coaxing them. They brush their hair and brush their teeth. Even walking into the kitchen they don’t make a fuss over the breakfast that Regulus makes or the pill already sitting out next to their glass of water waiting for them. It’s a routine and it’s a start. Not perfect, but it’s something and they can build on this.
No one else comes over. It’s better that way. He knows this, but it’s still weird to have this much space and this much alone time with Sirius when this summer has been everyone together for so long. The weirdest part though is that it’s not just him and Sirius, it’s Regulus too. He’s always there. Just sort of lurking, when he’s not the one talking or sitting with Sirius that is. He won’t dare ask him to leave them be though. Remus is not stupid enough to cross him.
Everything carries on somewhat well, given the circumstances. Until.
“Can I…” Sirius starts, voice weak. “Can I have some space? I just want to be alone.”
Remus and Regulus look to each other, both entirely lost. Because, well no. They don’t want Sirius to be on their own. They shouldn’t be. He’s not comfortable saying yes to that, and the knows that Regulus definitely isn’t. But this is Sirius and they are stubborn and they will find a way to be alone if that’s what they really want. And how are they meant to say no to them right now when they’ve hardly asked for anything. They can’t.
“What do you want to do?”
“Breathe.” They say barely above a whisper.
“And you’re not just trying to get away from us?”
“I don’t know.”
“Can you just stay by the house, but we’ll go to our rooms?” Regulus seems hesitant.
As much as he wants to keep Sirius by his side, he gives in. “That’s okay. Whatever you need, just get one of us if you start to feel off.”
This of course earns him a glare, and if Regulus were an animal his teeth would be bared in his direction. It’s not that he doesn’t understand where he’s coming from. Because really, he does. More than anyone else does. Remus wants to keep Sirius here and by his side for the rest of time. Not an entirely new feeling, though it’s been exasperated by everything as of late.
The thing is he knows that this is what they need. She wouldn’t ask for it if she didn’t really want to, or feel like she needs to. If they don’t let her go and have the space she wants, well it would end up worse than if they do. They can’t spend the rest of time not trusting that Sirius won’t go off and try to kill herself any chance she gets. It’s not sustainable.
“Yeah?” She looks up, eyes more alive.
Now he waits for Regulus to agree. It’s important that they are on the same team here.
“Alright. You can go out. Just promise you’ll find me if you even start to feel bad.”
“Okay.” They confirm, and then they shock both of them. “I won’t kill myself without getting you first.”
He can’t help the laugh that bursts out. It’s not funny. It’s not. But this is the closest to themself that they have sounded in days. It’s refreshing, fucking intoxicating, hearing Sirius sound like Sirius again. Remus doesn’t care at all about the joke that they shouldn’t have made, he’s just happy to see a sliver of his Sirius again. Right in front of him, not quite there, but coming back. Oh how he’s missed that smile. Still only a half of one, but it’s there.
The two of them stand there watching as Sirius walks away. More life in them as he pulls open the back door and goes outside. He stops for a moment, looking down either of the paths to find where it will be the quietest and then continues. Not toward the fire pit, no that’s too close to the other cabin. Instead to the dock. Regulus tenses, his hands ball into fists for just a moment before he releases the tension.
“I don’t like this.”
“Give him some space. Just a bit and then you can go after him again.” Remus wisely suggests.
Or perhaps not so wisely. “If anything happens because you sent them off on their own, I will kill you.”
“Alright, yeah yeah. I get it you’re tough and care about Sirius. Pot, kettle.” He gestures between them rolling his eyes. “I’m going over to the others. Anything you want me to say to any of them?”
He still doesn’t know enough about what happened, he’s not pushing that out of Sirius, but they’re going to ask. James is also one of his best friends, how is he supposed to explain this? He can’t very well avoid them either is the problem. He can try, but all they want right now is to talk to Sirius or Regulus. Neither of which have any interest in that.
“No. Don’t say anything about me or Sirius either.”
“Right, of course.”
As soon as he gets to the other cabin, he’s bombarded with questions. Most are not audible because everyone talks over each other like children. Asking about Sirius, asking what they have been doing over there, asking why regulus blew up, or why all of their things were packed up and removed from the room. It’s a wreck over there.
“Sirius is…, they’re doing the best they can.” He says as a blanket statement to the group.
“What abou-”
He shakes his head at James. “I’m sorry, they haven’t. Not yet.”
“And Reg?” Their voice is even weaker now, bit hoarse even.
“He’s not ready.” A lie.
Regulus never wants to talk to him again, would be the truth. He can’t say that to James though, it would break them even more. So a lie is better.
At this James nods and walks off to the other side of the room. Making space for himself away from everyone. It hurts him. This is the worst he’s ever seen James. He’s never really like this. Sure he gets quiet sometimes when he wants or needs to, and sad when things upset him. But never like this. Never so despondent, never so visibly weak. God this hurts watching his friend fall apart. There’s nothing he can do to stop it either.
Has he not been checking in enough? Is there more he should be doing? Or would this be the outcome regardless? The thoughts race in his mind. He can’t hear anyone else anymore. He’s just playing out scenarios in his head. Every single one worse than the last.
One where he asked Sirius to officially date months ago, that made them happy. He never saw them upset after that. Until they try to kill themself. Or another where he doesn’t do that, but he makes it part of their morning and night to ask how they are. Coming up with more interesting ways that could make it easier to talk about. Asking what colour things are that day, or how the weather is. In that one they still make the suicide attempt.
In a few of them they succeed. He can see in it his mind, skewed from the actual memory of two weeks ago. He wakes up next to Sirius, sees the notebook, sees the pill bottle, all of it, and he tries to take their pulse. It’s not just weak like it was then, it’s not there. He shakes them and shakes them in his mind. They don’t wake up.
Somehow he hasn’t had nightmares, but he’s been sleeping with them next to him, so that alleviates some of the worry. Even more so if he’s holding them all night. It will be hard if they ever stop sleeping in the same bed. How else would he be able to be sure that they are still breathing?
“Remus?”
“Hmm,” He hums, only starting to tune back in.
“Effie wants to talk to you.” Peter nudges him again.
Oh. “Right alright.” But he doesn’t get up yet. He needs a minute to clear the images from his mind.
It takes him a few minutes, but he manages. The thoughts about it aren’t gone, they never will be, but he can function. He’s not so far gone and so in his head that he can’t. Though this will be hard. He loves Effie. She’s much closer to them at university than his own mum, so she treats him like a son whenever he’s around. It’s sweet and he adores her. She cares so deeply, she always has even when she first met him.
“Hi honey. How are you doing?” She would normally reach out for a hug, but he must look like he’s not in the mood for one, so she keeps distance.
They’re sitting on the front porch, away from everyone else. It’s quiet and not too sunny. The sun is over on the other side of the house over the water by now. Birds chirp and insects hum filling the air with nature. If this were to happen while they were anywhere, a peaceful lakeside cabin isn’t the worst place to be.
He doesn’t mean to ignore her, he is just gathering thoughts. But she answers first. “I know this is all hard, you’re doing the best you can. If you need to, we are here for you to lean on. This isn’t all on you.”
“Regulus is helping too.” He isn’t sure why he’s defensive of him now.
“I know. Both of you can ask us for help.” They know that, but they won’t do that now. “Do you know what’s happened with James? No one would say exactly.”
There it is. He knew the question was coming. It’s been days, and surely James has been a wreck even without knowing the specifics, or anything about why both Blacks have shut him out now. He wishes he knew more. It’s not like James to do nothing when his friends need help. If any of them went to him, he would drop everything even if it’s only a little favor. that’s just who he is.
“It’s really not mine to tell. Something happened before… with James and Sirius. She hasn’t said more about it to me, I’m giving her space when she needs it. Not pushing.”
“Good, that’s good that she’s- Will you tell me what you do know?” Her attention quickly goes back to her own kin.
Remus shakes his head. “It will be worse knowing what I know without a full story. But Regulus is being protective, so that’s why he’s shut James out.”
It’s just— Did Sirius really tell James what they were planning? Is that what happened? They just told him outright that they were going to kill themself, and James did nothing? None of it sounds right. It’s not like either of them to do their parts in that scenario. It wouldn’t happen that way. There’s something missing and it’s tearing him and them apart. It doesn’t feel right for the two of them to be at odds.
A silence falls between them and it’s painful. He doesn’t look at Effie, but he can hear her sniffle and breathe a bit heavier. Holding back tears, maybe. He didn’t even tell her the worst of it. But then again this is about James, her baby. And Sirius, her other baby. He wants to scream, none of this is fair.
“Okay. I won’t push for more. Just, if Sirius feels up to talking about it will you tell them to talk to James too.”
“I’ll try. I want that too. I promise I’ll try.”
“Thank you.” She smiles, albeit weakly. “You’re strong. They need someone like you to help them through this. You’re doing great, really”
“I’m not sure if anything I’m doing is right. I just— I love them. I can’t handle things not getting better.”
“We’ll get through it. They will get through it.” She says as if she believes it. As if it’s just how things will go.
He’s not so sure. Though he hopes.
Back inside, most of his friends leave him be. They don’t bombard him. That’s usually how it goes, as he tends to be quieter and more reserved than many of them. But this is a different energy to that. Everyone desperately wants to ask a hundred different things. He doesn’t have the answers anyway. So it’s better that they don’t now. It’s better that they leave him be for now. It would only disappoint them if he says anything.
The exception to this is Peter. As soon as he walks through the door his friend is up and leaving the conversation he was having and racing to him. Well, that’s an exaggeration, but he does come over nearly immediately. A stark difference to the rest of them. He doesn’t have the same hesitancy.
Peter and Sirius have been friends for a long time. Initially meeting through James, who they immediately clicked with. Remus came into their little group last, but that made him no less a part of it. But with Peter, Sirius had a soft spot for him. They got along well, really well. Just differently to they way they were, are, with James and Remus. It was easy for them to tease each other, always affectionately. Sometimes there would be more bite behind their words than others, but no one would think twice about it.
That is to say, Peter cares about her. He always has, even if his words don’t show it. Which a lot of the time they don’t, but that is just how he is. Everyone knows that. There hasn’t been a time when anyone was actually worried that they were being mean to each other. Or that they had actually hurt one another. Since that night though, Peter has seemed on edge and not quite sure how to navigate it. He can’t just talk to Sirius the same teasing way he always has, without fear that it’s hurting her.
“Hey, er— how’s it going at the cabin?” He tiptoes around it.
“It could be better. But we’re, they’re making some progress. Maybe…”
“Oh, yeah good. Up to having people there again?”
Remus hesitates, but shakes his head slowly. “Not yet I don’t think.”
“I was hoping to get to sleep in my bed again.” He admits. Is that the whole reason, or is he just deflecting the lighten the conversation as he tends to do? “I’m tired of the couch here.”
“Is that all? I don’t mean to rush out again, I just should get back.”
This sparks something, Peter stops him. “Tell Sirius we love them. Yeah? It’s weird without them and it isn’t the same when they aren’t here.” The love comes through now, past the shields.
He nods, confirming that he will. Before leaving entirely, he walks over to the rest of them. He hasn’t gotten to spend time with anyone, and that’s not to complain. Right now Sirius is the only thing that really matters. It’s important to focus on them. It’s just weird not being altogether. All of their heads pop up when he approaches.
“Alright?” Dorcas asks first.
“Doing the best we can.” He confirms and they all empathetically nod. They understand.
It is nice to see that they are all sitting together. Mary, Lily, and Dorcas that is. Whatever difficulties and strains from the previous weeks have faded or are at least pushed behind them for now. No one looks particularly happy or anything for that matter, but the circumstances don’t exactly provide any opportunity for that.
He does mean to stay for a few minutes longer. Just to talk about anything else, to ease his mind momentarily. Though he loos out the window in front of him, and sees Sirius sitting on the edge of the dock and his heart clenches. He knew that’s where they went, but still. It should be fine for them to be on their own. It should honestly be good. It could mean they are starting to heal and feel okay again. However unlikely, Remus wants to believe that.
Because of this, he doesn’t go running back to the cabin. He doesn’t check in with Regulus and he doesn’t chase after Sirius. It’s not like they would jump in the water with no intention of getting back out at least for now. So it’s all okay. He can sit down and let himself catch his breath. Taking care of himself has been falling a bit to the back recently. It’s not just like that for him though, which is possibly the more troubling part.
“Re?” Lily nudges him. “Are you listening?”
“No, I’m sorry. I should be listening, I just—”
“You don’t have to explain.” Mary shakes her head, understanding.
Everyone gets it. No one can do anything else about it. That’s the worst part. They are all just forced to accept that this is how things are going to be for now. God he hates this. But it’s for Sirius. that’s why he keeps going, feeling himself and everyone around him deteriorating slightly. They aren’t taking care of each other.
Instead they are all giving up pieces of themselves to rebuild Sirius.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
Lily
The thing about everything going on, is that when something happens, specifically something with Sirius, everything else seems to stop. It’s not as bad as it sounds. Really. It’s just how it is right now. If Sirius hadn’t tried to kill himself, then things would be very different at the lake right now. What exactly it would be like, Lily isn’t sure. Better? Maybe in some ways. Or most ways really. But they did, so this is how it is.
Lily’s world is falling apart one piece at a time without a moment to exist in between. One thing after the next. She just wants it to stop. She wants it to be okay. There’s no way to rush through and get to the good part. Not without actually getting through the bad parts. Sirius can’t get better without help and no one of their friends will feel entirely okay until they aren’t on the edge any more.
It’s all hands on deck. As much as they can be. Dozens of hands, at least sixteen to be exact, reach out and pull them up from the cliff they are falling from. Some have a tighter grip than others, but they all keep pulling. Using all of their strength to save them. It’s the only way, even if that means the rest of them struggle too. If it feel like Sirius is slipping or falling farther, whoever notices tells the others and they figure out what to do.
This particular time, not all that different from most times, the answer was Regulus. As soon as Remus told her, she knew that’s who could help this time. More than anyone else, more than anything else. That worked, more or less. A temporary solution. While they figure out a long term one. With Sirius flat out refusing to see or speak to James, well it’s bad. Those two are never without each other, especially not by choice.
So with all of this happening, anything and everything else falls to the wayside. Lily and Mary are okay, they don’t talk about the things that live between them and there isn’t the same awkwardness that was there briefly. They are just okay, because they can’t afford to be anything else. It’s not her favourite way of solving or handling things, but it’s what they have to do right now.
On top of that, their feelings for Dorcas haven’t gone anywhere. The conversation about swapping rooms never happened. They didn’t get to kiss. That fell off too. Everything between them comes second, third, or even fourth to everything else. It has to. Lily would throw everything into getting it right with them that they know this can’t be the focus right now. They want it to be right too, they need it to be perfect.
Nothing has gone Lily’s way in, well she doesn’t know how long. She’s never been used to having things good or easy. Her normal is lackluster at best. It’s often bad. Maybe ever since she realised she was different, or since she saw that her and Tuney would never exist the way they did together as little girls. Somewhere around then. So she’s used to it. But God does she want something to go right for once. God does she want this to be perfect.
Dorcas would be hers. Just hers. Something that no one has tainted. She misses Petunia beyond belief, but she has no stake in this. She doesn’t even know who Dorcas is, so it wouldn’t matter. Just— after losing Petunia, almost losing Mary, almost losing Sirius, she needs a win. She needs it to be okay and to be good. Not just good, but perfect.
They haven’t kissed. That’s the thing. It’s still a waiting game. Cas doesn’t seem like they are going to initiate it until Lily seems more stable and Lily is not going to initiate it until she can make sure that it’s perfect. It’s lose lose at the moment. She can’t do anything right, it’s impossible.
“Hey, what’s going on in there?” Cas locks eyes with them.
“Oh, nothing.” Lie. “A lot, I don’t know. Everything just feels…”
“I know what you mean.” They nod without needing further explanation.
They’ve been sitting together on the porch for awhile now. Lily in their arms, leaning back against them. It’s not uncommon for them to be this touchy, but it’s still new. They ground Lily more than anything else can right now. Two months ago she wouldn’t have suspected this. That the little crush she had on Dorcas would turn into this. That when everything else crumbled around her, it would be them to throw their body over hers to shield her from the rubble falling. It means that much more because of that.
“Has Sirius been out there all day?” Lily looks toward the dock.
“Mm, I think so. They seem okay though.”
She wants to make sure. She needs everything to be okay again.
“I’m going to check. See if they need anything.”
All that she manage to do is make it down to the fire pit, out of the safety of Dorcas’ arms. Then they are stopped by Regulus, who appeared out of nowhere. Nearly scaring them. It’s not that him showing up is unexpected, this concerns Sirius after all. And the lake has been safe all summer, so its not an intruder that she’s worried about. It’s just a moment that she hadn’t planned for. In this spur of the moment rush to the water.
“Don’t go down there.” He says without adding any more.
“I just want to give her company, see if she wants to talk.” She innocently explains.
One part of her brain, an awful horrid part has more to say about it. An explanation that no one wants to hear. One that most of them would think is absurd. But Lily doesn’t mean it maliciously. It’s rather clear in her mind. She has to fix things. If she can fix everything with everyone else, then the rest of it won’t matter. None of it will matter.
A sister without a sister. A sister with great friends who love and care about her. A sister who helps her friends, who loves them unconditionally. If she can just get everything else right, then she can get past losing Petunia. then she can convince herself and prove to herself that it’s not because she was a bad sister, it’s not because of her at all. Maybe it’s not Petunia’s fault either. But that doesn’t matter. She just needs to be sure it wasn’t hers.
If she can’t— If she can’t get things right with her friends, with Sirius, with Dorcas, with Mary. Then everything is her fault. She hardly does anything right to begin with, she knows this and she’s gotten past that. This is just one thing she can’t learn to accept. Losing her sister is too much already, she can’t afford to mess anything else up. Without realizing it she nearly already had. With Mary, with Sirius. Hopefully not with Dorcas. She’s fucked.
Just focus on one thing at a time. that’s what Lily tries to remind themself. One thing. Trying to do too many, trying to get everything right is only going to result in disaster. It will result in everything going wrong. So just one thing. What that one thing will be really depends. If they were selfish, the one thing would be Dorcas. They aren’t though, they never have been selfish, so they are going to make sure everything is okay, good if possible, for their friends.
Most importantly, or more so most pressingly, Sirius.
“They wanted some space. It’s been a few hours though, I’ll go see them.” Regulus answers, a bit skittish if she’s honest.
“You don’t have to do it alone you know.”
“And who exactly is going to help? Who can I trust to actually properly help? Please, since you seem to know, indulge me.” He mocks.
This she could have and probably should have seen coming. James was the one everyone could trust. James was the one that could make anyone of them feel better at the drop of a hat. They were incredible like that. Especially with Sirius. Give them thirty seconds together and they would both be laughing no matter what was happening prior. They were, they still are - not past tense- a shining light among them.
Sometimes things are just complicated. No one knows the nuance of the situation, and of course there has to be more to it. It doesn't sound like James to ignore that. It also doesn’t sound like Sirius to just out right say that. So something is missing and the only one who knows isn’t saying. Clearly Regulus is not the person they are going to want to tell, not with how he’s gotten tangled with James. But still he’s barely been letting Remus help, it’s an impossible feat.
Not impossible, she reminds herself. Nothing is truly impossible. When she was younger, much younger and still playing make believe in the back garden with Petunia, she learned the difference. Some boy on the playground at school told her that it was just make believe, that the fairies and witches they played as were fake, that all of it was impossible. It was Tuney who told her that it was all simply improbable, not impossible. There was no way of proving it fake definitively. So it became nuanced, difficult, but not impossible.
“Well Remus, but you know that. Me, Effie, Monty, Peter. What about Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas?” They pause here for just a second, debating it. “Or, an even crazier idea. James.”
“No.”
“But”
“No. Just— I need you and everyone else to just leave it alone for now. I’ll tell you when, or if that changes. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to see how my sibling is. Yeah?” He nearly shakes as he goes off, but he manages not to.
They don’t stop him as he turns and walks toward the dock. It would just be better if Lily wasn’t now tasked with relaying that message to everyone else. It also takes this out of her control, not that it really was hers before, but still. She no longer at least for now gets a hand in helping Sirius. In a way it’s just another thing to add to the list of failures that she seems to be racking up quite quickly.
That’s what they do when they go back inside. If Lily was able to, she would now turn her focus to something else, someone else. The thing is, that’s hard. Lily tells the rest of them that Regulus is handling it and wont accept any help. Which goes exactly how you think it would. James takes it the hardest, no one has told them what Sirius said. It’s not their place to. So they just have to carry on, wildly confused and hurting.
That night she stays on the couch with James. They don’t want to keep going back to stay with their parents, it’s not a very big room for the three of them. After a few days it started to be a lot, now it’s closer to a week and it’s for the best that something changes. So James wants to stay here and he isn’t welcome in his bed at the cabin.
Lily on the other hand technically has two beds. One that she’s been in and already found a way out of. The other that she would love to be in, but doesn’t know how to get that right. So naturally picking neither and instead squeezing on the sofa with James is the best choice. Their face lights up, relatively speaking, when she pulls them closer.
“You sure you’re comfortable here?” He asks, sounding so small. Much smaller than James has ever sounded.
“Of course. I don’t even know where I would go otherwise.”
“Oh well I think everyone knows where you want to be. But if you’re sure.” They trail off. “Lily? Are you keeping anything from me?”
“What would I be hiding?” She treads so very lightly, a bomb could go off if she’s not careful.
James shifts in her arms, but settles. She’s grateful that they don’t turn around to face her right now. There’s things only Sirius can tell them. They have to be the one to explain it and the two of them have to talk to figure out what happened. A miscommunication, surely. That’s what the rest of them assume. Would any other explanation make sense?
They blow out their breath slowly. “Is Sirius upset with me?”
At least this is something she can answer honestly, not actually having an answer. “I’m not sure exactly. I don’t know what they’re thinking past not wanting to talk to… anyone. It’s just hard for them right now. Waking up after that and all. It can’t be easy.”
She has to force herself to shut up. A white lie already slipped through and it’s best if no more do. This is not the time to be rambling.
That’s an old bad habit of hers. As a kid she would never shut up. Talking was the most free she ever felt. Lily was able to spill her thoughts out to try to make sense of them. Even if that failed, it was still nice. It felt good. Talking without a care in the world. going on and on about nothing at all.
Until Petunia got annoyed and told her to shut up. they were only eight or so, no older than ten that’s for sure. Lily followed her sister out to the back garden and started telling her of a dream she had. It wasn’t a very interesting dream. It was really nothing important. Just how she felt waking up from the night before’s sleep and felt like she was falling. It was the first time she felt that and up till then Tuney was her guide to everything, so she just wanted to know if she felt that too. She snapped at her to stop talking.
After that she still looked to her sister to teach her everything, but also for when to talk and when to stay quiet. It took a while to realise that it’s not for her to decide when Lily can or can’t talk. Eventually she did. Though at times like this, she wonders if Petunia knows the right thing to do. If she knows how much or what to say. If she would be able to help fix everything for her.
“Yeah you’re right.” James dejectedly replies. She expects more, though they simply go to sleep instead.
The following day is much of the same. Lily hardly sleeps, so her eyes are already open when Dorcas comes out to get tea in the morning. She slips out from James’ grip while he continues sleeping, though not quite peacefully. He spent most of the night twisting around, shaking intermittently, really just not getting any rest. There was nothing more she could do for him. Holding him didn’t do the trick, it should have. Except Lily isn’t the one he wants to be tangled with. She’s not even up there among his top choices right now. But she is what he has.
“So Red, tell me how you ended up slumming it out here with James?” They sip from the mug waiting.
“Slumming it?”
“Well you’re on the couch. And they haven’t had a proper night’s sleep in two weeks. No doubt they made it difficult for you to sleep.”
Lily thinks on this. “I haven’t been sleeping much either. I thought I told you that.”
“You didn’t.” Cas’ eyes soften. “You should have.”
That hangs in the air. Lily seemingly went from having multiple people she felt she could go to about anything, no matter what, to having no one. No, that sounds wrong. They can still go to their friends, any of them really. Maybe not Sirius for now, but anyone would listen if Lily needed or asked them to. It’s just hard to. No one can fix anything for her, not that she’s even asking them to. It just all seems pointless. Given everything else…
“You don’t have to, but don’t bottle it up. Okay? If it’s me or Remus or Mary or any of us. Just don’t keep it in.” They say when Lily says nothing.
“Okay, I’ll try, I can do that.”
The only person she really wants to talk to right now is Petunia.
“Good. Come here then.” Dorcas pulls them in to stand between their legs where they sit on a stool. It would be so easy for their lips to meet right here. “Pretty sure you sleep better in my bed, in my arms.”
“Oh is that so?” It’s as if a switch flips and heat returns to her face.
“If memory serves… And a little birdie named Marlene told me you already talked about moving into my room for the rest of the summer. Still want to?”
“They weren’t meant to do that.” She mentally tuts at her friend. “But yes. Tonight?”
“Perfect.”
Dorcas lightly presses their lips to the top of Lily’s head.
They have to lit up off the stool slightly to do it. It happens so quickly. She doesn’t register it until they are looking at each other again. That’s all it is. they go back to drinking their tea and Lily busies herself pulling together breakfast. It’s another hour before anyone else stirs. James rolls over a few times, but doesn’t wake. It’s a slow morning. No one really knows what to do. There’s nothing they can do.
If only things were perfect. A kiss on the head, lending a hand, holding each other as they sleep. It’s all far from perfect, but maybe one day. Tonight Lily will sleep, as long as they get through the day without further ruining anything. That’s easier said than done, but what else can they do but try?