Part IV
Things aren’t better. Far from it actually. Three days ago Sirius took a step forward. This may sound like they’ve now taken some steps back, but really it’s more a few steps to one side. In some ways, it’s made things worse, but they are still trying. So that’s something. Right? It’s good to find the silver lining in things, or at least that’s what everyone seems to say.
Sirius is undecided on that. Especially after the events of these days. After what brought them to be sitting on the roof alone. Not the best place for them to be given the circumstances, but no one stopped them. They’re not going to jump if that’s what you’re worried about. But still, they’re barely hanging on right now, but this isn’t new. They just let it come to the surface.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REMUS
One day after they kiss, or more so starting that night, they are back to holding each other in bed. It’s comforting to both of them. Sirius breathes easier in his arms and Remus can feel that they are okay, that they are breathing. A constant reminder. They both sleep through the night, or for the most part at least. They wake up in the same position they went to sleep in, though it only takes ten seconds after their eyes open for Sirius to crawl closer if that’s even possible.
The thing is, Remus knows that he can’t be a magical fix for them. He will do anything they want and be anything they want, but he knows a relationship or whatever they are is not going to make the feeling in their head and chest go away. He knows this and he’s not going to let them try to do that.
But he will still be whatever they want. He’s putty in their hands and admittedly always has been. He just won’t now make them official in any capacity just because they aren’t doing well and want him despite it. It’s complicated, he’s fully aware. Painfully aware even. That’s just how it is.
She’s still quieter than usual, but not ignoring everyone. Usual is an odd way of putting it really. How they used to be is more like it. Remus isn’t quite sure what is normal for her anymore and what she was faking to appease everyone else. Maybe this is how Sirius really is, there’s not a problem with that. There is no need to fake anything with their friends.
All day she waits until someone else talks to her. He’s not sure why, but it breaks his heart a little bit. He misses their voice. He misses the way they would ask him about every little thing or come to talk to him about any thought in their head. They’re a closed book right now and he doesn’t know how to navigate that.
“What are you thinking about?” He asks them.
Not for any particular reason other than he wants to know. Some of them have been down sitting at the fire pit most of the afternoon. It’s still light out and no one is making any moves to do anything else. The fire isn’t lit, no one has even made an attempt at that. It just seems that they’re glad Sirius is out here.
It’s them, Peter, Mary, and Marlene currently. The others were all here at one point or another today. It’s been a revolving set of people really. When Regulus got up to leave, with James not far behind, he felt a relief. A breath finally able to properly go through his lungs. It’s taken days for the younger Black to seem to trust that he can take care of them. He’s not as on top of Sirius now.
Sirius pauses. “Nothing.”
“You sure?”
“Don’t think you would like the real answer, so yeah. Nothing.” They don’t look at him, or anyone. “I’m tired. I’m going to take a nap.”
Remus just nods. He won’t push them to not do that, he won’t push them at all. Except to hold up their end of the deal. They have to keep trying. “I’ll wake you up later to eat and take your meds, alright?”
Even without Sirius acknowledging him, that’s what happens. After a few hours he eats with him, dutifully takes the pill and goes back to bed. It was a full day spent out of bed for them. Well aside from his nap, but still. It’s progress. Minuscule baby steps, but to him they are huge massive strides. Perspective is necessary here.
When Remus crawls into bed that night, not much later than them, his arms are instantly filled. Sirius melts into him, making up for the lost time. Clinging to something to keep them here. He’ll never push them away, physically or otherwise. It could be the right thing to do, everyone could tell him to let them go, but he wouldn’t. It would be the worst thing to not have Sirius in his life.
So he holds them. He cards his fingers through their hair. He traces indistinct shapes on their back with his nails. He connects the barely there freckles on their face with his eyes. He holds them facing him to his chest so that he can feel their breaths. He cups their cheek and runs the pad of his thumb across their face, though there are no tears to wipe away. He just holds them, he has them however they let him.
Two days after they kiss, they kiss again. Not just once, not just that morning in bed. Quite a few times actually. All day if he’s being honest. Sirius still won’t start a conversation, but they will initiate a kiss. Every time there is a moment, likely one where they would have previously said something sweet or stupid, their lips are crashing into Remus instead.
He never pushes them off. He doesn’t want to, except for when they are sitting on the couch after having some toast as breakfast. Sirius tries to climb onto him, in a definitely not innocent way. Definitely looking for more. They haven’t done anything more than kiss in these few days and it would be wise to wait until Sirius is feeling a bit better, but that’s not the point. Remus would let them. It’s just that, well Effie and Monty arrived for the day at the same time.
If it had been anyone else, it wouldn’t matter. Not that they used to do this. When they were whatever they were, it was always behind closed doors. Something just for them. Even drunk at parties or anything of the sort, they kept their mouths to themselves at the very least. Sirius would be much touchier with Remus if they were hoping to hook up that night, which they usually were, but kissing and anything else wasn’t public.
The Potters are staying at a little bed and breakfast not far from the cabin. While Sirius was in the hospital they were at a hotel he thinks, but since they are staying for longer they wanted something a bit closer to the cabin than the hospital. So they go home once they know Sirius is okay for the night and come back around this time each morning. He’s not sure how long it is going to last for, but no one minds having them around.
It’s the moment her voice rings through the entry way that Remus shoves Sirius off. “Good morning! Is anyone up, we brought-”
“Morning Effie!” He calls trying to seem normal, though he definitely doesn’t.
Sirius is laying, sprawled out, exactly as they landed when he pushed them. Their face is… not unreadable exactly, but something along those lines. He can’t tell if they are upset or confused or if it’s just the same dead stare they have been giving everyone lately. Remus instead reaches a hand out to pull them to a more comfortable position, though absolutely not returning to their prior activity.
“Hi dears.” She laughs and gives a knowing smile. “We brought pastries. Is anyone else up?”
“Not that I’ve seen. Maybe at the other cabin they might be.” He helpfully supplies, hoping that the heat he feels in his cheeks isn’t noticeable.
“We’ll go check. You alright Sirius?” Monty ushers his wife out before she starts to make fun of them, which she absolutely would.
“‘m fine.” They quietly answer. They hate that question or any form of it, they’re not going to answer it truthfully ever.
As soon as the door closes, Sirius tries to resume. Like they didn’t miss a beat, their lips are locked again and their hands slide up his torso from under the hem. He lets them. He lets them sloppily kiss his mouth, of course he kisses back, and he lets them trail down his neck. Remus has to hold back the faint moan building in his throat.
In an effort to stifle it or at least muffle it, he pulls them back up. He crashes into them and his tongue is granted entry immediately. If he moans into them it won’t be as obvious. Except for to them, they can feel it too. It eggs them on, only encouraging them to continue.
And then another door opened and the loudest groan followed by a different laugh echo through the cabin. Sirius looks to the side for a second, barely even that, and just continues. It doesn’t make a difference to them. He nearly removes them from his lap after glancing to see that it’s their brother and James, but they don’t care. He doesn’t stop.
“Really?”
Taking a breath just long enough to talk, Sirius pulls back. “Yes, now fuck off.”
“We’ll be going now. Enjoy!” James cuts in and is likely dragging or pushing him out of the cabin.
And then they are alone again.
Sirius keeps kissing Remus and he keeps kissing them back.
He will always kiss them back, even if he’s not sure it’s helping. But it’s not not helping. So they keep doing that. For much of the day, they keep kissing. Maybe it numbs Sirius, or it makes them feel alive. One or the other, but at least it’s doing something. It’s keeping them here. It keeps them trying.
The day goes by quickly after that. They end up alone for much of it, likely because word spreads about what they are doing. It’s not all they do though. For part of the afternoon Remus reads with their head in his lap. That whole time he gets through half the amount of pages as he usually would, but he plays with their hair while they trace shapes on the backs of his hands.
It’s a good day all things considered. There hasn’t been a day like this for them, with this much time together, with this much kissing, or even just the peacefulness. Remus is still not naive to think that they’re better, he knows for a fact they aren’t. But a good day is a good day. A lot of good days in a row would be even better, but they can be happy with just one for now. It’s the first one in a while.
At some point Regulus comes over, knocking before even entering the house. He asks to pull Sirius aside, which he doesn't have to ask permission, so they go regardless. It’s not a very long conversation and he can’t hear any of it. Their mood seems to be intact when their brother leaves a few minutes later. A good sign. And a relief.
“What did he want?”
“We’re going out to make s’mores when it gets dark.” Sirius finds a comfortable spot that is more on top of him than not, despite having numerous other options.
“You up to that?”
“Sure, I guess.” They pause there but it feels more like a comma than a period. “Do you think he’s sleeping?”
An odd question. One that would be better posed to James, but he’ll venture a guess. “He looks less tired than a few days ago when I don’t think he was. So I think so.”
“Good. No one should lose sleep over me.” It comes out a whisper, but it feels so loud.
Everyone gathers around the fire pit and it’s the first time they have since that night. No tension forms, though he’s expecting it the entire time. There are still more chairs than people since Effie and Monty have gone for the night already. Despite this, Sirius slots in next to Remus on the same chair. Much like Regulus does across the circle from them with James. Laughter comes from all sides, but they stay quiet and somber.
At least they’re out here with everyone. A few times the fire nearly dies, but Marlene manages to help before it goes out. They gather some extra wood after the first time just in case. It’s going strong right now with the smoke swirling up and into the night sky. Sirius seems to be watching it while resting his head on him. Remus doesn’t dare move.
“I grabbed the marshmallows!” Peter yells as he slips back into the circle of chairs.
“Did you happen to get any of the other things like chocolate or graham crackers?” The younger Black glares questioningly.
“Er- no. I can though…” He looks around at waiting eyes.
Against him, Remus feels them shift. “What is it?”
“Will you make one for me?”
His heart clenches. They haven’t asked for much at all. This is hardly anything, but they want it. The problem presently is that they would also have to get up for him to do that. Which he absolutely does not want to force them to do. So hm. He’s stuck.
“I can do you one better. Neither of us have to move and you can have a s’more.” He leans in to their ear. A faint smile, the ghost of one really, falls on their face. “Mary!”
“Really?” She rolls her eyes.
“For Sirius.” He smiles, knowing he’s won.
“Just a minute.”
Once Peter returns with the rest of the ingredients, she gets to work. Two marshmallows on one stick. Rotating them near the hottest part, the core of the fire. Not catching a flame. She takes her time, no one is rushing her. Multiple others roast and eat their s’mores before she’s done. Golden brown, not burnt, likely gooey. It’s perfectly crafted.
She comes around the fire to hand it to Sirius who looks up to meet her gaze. “Here you go. Let me know if you want another one.”
“Oh, thank you.” It’s still weird how quiet and hesitant they are now.
Three days after they kiss Sirius has a bad morning. They’re still asleep when Remus wakes up and they don’t roll any closer to him. That’s okay, he’s not upset that they don’t. Instead he slides out of bed and gets breakfast. Even if they don’t eat much, he’ll bring it just in case. Sirius doesn’t roll over and acknowledge when he comes back in. Their eyes are open though, so he doesn’t have to check that they are still alive.
The morning is slow. It takes an hour for them to look in his general direction and another hour for them to agree to eat. Not verbally. They don’t say anything. Instead they sit up, or well more up than laying down but still mostly horizontal. From there they look between the bowl of dry cereal and Remus and he gets the gist of it.
Slowly they pick at it. He doesn’t mind sitting in bed all day. It’s not a bother to him at all. In fact he likes the rest and it lets him read. Equal time is spent watching them and reading. He makes a few comments to them. Nothing of substance, just giving them the opportunity to talk if they want to. Easier to respond than reach out.
It’s slow. Not just eating but everything. It’s still the morning when he realises or more so accepts that this will be a bad day. He still gets them to take their morning pill after breakfast. That’s really it though. Nothing more. Bad days happen. As long as they let him he’s going to help make them easier as best he can. For now that’s just sitting by their side.
He’s never been the best at this. He tries, but he doesn’t have experience comforting anyone and it doesn’t come naturally. Really Remus is pretty awkward around people. He didn’t have siblings growing up and while James didn’t either, their personalities differ quite drastically. So he does his best to support Sirius through this and he always will. No matter how long it takes.
No matter if it never gets better.
Mid day comes and they don’t show any signs of wanting to move. Until… Sirius sits all the way up and swings their legs over the side of the bed. Quite abruptly. It snaps him out of the book and back to reality in a blink.
“Do you need anything?”
“I… I don’t know.” From not talking their voice is a little rough.
“We can get up if you want to.” He hesitates, looks back at his phone and then up to them. “Everyone is going to the other cabin in a bit if you feel up to joining.”
At first they stare blankly. He knows this look and he hates it. Sirius makes it hard for anyone to read them when they want to. He can search and search, but when they are like this he can’t tell anything. Luckily they are content to fill him in rather than leave him guessing like they used to always do.
“Okay.”
“Yeah? Okay, well I need a shower first. Then we can head over.” Sirius nods.
“Can I-”
“Join me?” Remus finishes for them. “Of course.”
That’s all it is. On that third day after Sirius agrees to try, they take a shower with the help of Remus. He washes their hair and lathers soap for the rest of their body. He takes care of them. It’s not hard to do like this. Sometimes he feels lost, like nothing he does will be right to take care of them. But this he knows how to do. This he is good at.
They don’t kiss in the shower like they usually would. Instead Remus becomes a support for them to lean against why he helps. Holding them up and helping them feel better by getting clean. He runs his hands over nearly every inch of them but this time it’s not at all sexual. Just tender and caring. His fingers hesitate when he reaches their old scars, the ones he has known about and been told are just part of their past.
It’s only a momentary pause there. An extra lingering second in his mind knowing that they were lying about that. He ends up pausing again when he reaches the new ones. The not quite scars but not quite open cuts. Remus sucks in a breath that’s hopefully muffled by the shower. Gently he continues showering both of them, not making a fuss.
It's a longer shower than planned, but they both feel much better after. Clean, fresh. It’s a good thing. Sirius slips into loose and comfortable clothes, a shirt belonging to Remus and joggers. They run their fingers through their hair but do nothing else. Another thing that’s unlike them.
“Do you want me to do your hair?”
“No it’s okay. We can go over now.” They say but don’t move.
“If you’re sure.”
Being with everyone is okay. They were all together last night and Sirius was okay. Today is a bit rougher, but they make it work. There’s more than enough space for them to fit on the couch. Everyone is talking, but Remus only focuses on them. Making sure they are okay and not getting overwhelmed. For now they seem okay, they’re managing. They’re trying.
That lasts for a bit. A smell of cookies starts to make its way to them and Sirius perks up. They aren’t hungry, at least they weren’t earlier, but maybe cookies would do the trick. He follows their gaze to the kitchen to find James and Regulus fighting. Wait no. Laughing while nearly wrestling. Loud and lively laughs as it looks like Regulus is trying to pry a spoon out of their hands.
A second later Sirius is prying themself from his arms and walking to the door. Remus jumps up to follow. Not questioning them. No one stops them, either of them, to ask. If it was something to talk about or announce they would have. But everyone wisely leaves it.
Once they get back to their cabin or their room they can talk. He’ll let them talk if they want to. He doesn’t catch up to them the whole way. They didn’t get that much of a head start, but he has never been fast. He pushes through the door to find them already curled up under the duvet in their bed. It’s what he expected.
“Do you want to talk?”
“I should.” Their eyes are clothes and their breathing sounds far from steady.
“Whenever you want to.” Remus lays next to them, holding a hand out palm facing up in case they want to take it.
“It’s- it’s about that night…”
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
LILY
That first day, once Sirius was up and talking again, everyone wanted to spend time together. An attempt for things to be as normal as possible. Back to the usual activities and conversations or as close as they can get. It’s easy enough to come and go from sitting around the fire pit. She stays for a while at first. Spending time with everyone, including Sirius, makes Lily feel more grounded. More at home.
It’s been rocky for her, to say the least. It hasn’t felt like she’s had a proper home in a long time. What with Petunia refusing to see her for almost a year now, and everything that’s come after that. Her friends are her family. Her friends are her home. It only just started to unravel, to fray at the edges. Really that’s why she wants to be around everyone as much as possible, makes her feel like she isn’t losing anyone like she almost did.
Today she tries not to be glued to Dorcas’ side. Easier said than done, because they keep gravitating toward each other even without trying. This morning they had breakfast and coffee together on the dock. No one looks for them on the dock that early, it’s quiet and serene. It’s become a habit. Not one she plans on breaking. It’s not that special of a spot, but in a way it’s theirs.
Instead she hangs out with James. They’ve always been close. Though with James comes Regulus these days. Not that she minds, she’s actually quite fond of him. They sit by the fire pit and talk for the late morning and early afternoon. About anything but Sirius. All of them can feel how much they are hurting and there’s too much to say. So they say nothing at all.
When Sirius comes down from the cabin, everyone visibly perks up. No one immediately pounces to bring them into the conversation. But there is a clear shift. An ease now that they are here. Regulus is very obviously soothed by seeing them looking better. James is too. Both of them actually look to have gotten some sleep since she last talked to them about it. She didn’t expect them to listen, but they must have.
On top of just worrying about Sirius, some of their friends have started to get listless and antsy. For a month they had plans here almost every day and now it’s been a week of nothing. There’s three more weeks and no one really wants to just sit around. Lily helped to plan, and well now she’s starting to think this will be up to her now. It was mostly Sirius, she just helped sometimes.
But now maybe the roles could be reversed. “Sirius, I have an idea.”
“Hm? You can come over to talk.” They look up with half-there eyes.
“I was thinking about finding somewhere to watch the sunset one night.”
Sirius is quiet, but still trying. “We can see the sunset here.”
“I know but it could be fun to get out of the cabin and go somewhere. I can plan it if you want, or you can. Either way.” Lily leaves it open, they can figure it out another time.
Her original seat has been taken by Marlene, but that’s not a big deal. She doesn’t care much anyway and is content sitting with Sirius and Remus. They don’t talk much more, so she talks to Remus for the most part. He doesn’t ask about her sister for which she is grateful. They talk about uni and what they have coming up when they get back and what she’s going to make for dinner. Nothing of substance.
It gets crowded around the empty fire pit, so she heads back to the cabin. Not wanting to overwhelm Sirius. She knows how it gets and they don’t seem like they will speak up right now. She also offered to make dinner for everyone and it’s getting to the point where she might want to start. When Lily walks in the cabin the Potters are sitting there just reading. It took a few days to get used to having them around, but really it’s nice.
“Hi Lily, need anything?”
“Oh no that’s okay. Thank you Effie.”
She smiles warmly. “Of course. I’m here if you do. Always happy to be a pseudo parent too.”
And well. Hm. That sounds nice. It’s been hard to talk to her parents with the Petunia situation and she has been avoiding them mostly. They don’t understand. To them their children are still joined at the hip like they were when they were four and six years old. They don’t see the cracks between them and somehow they haven’t even noticed that it’s been months since they spoke or were in the same place.
It’s not like she grew up neglected. Really her parents were great. They cared and showed them love. But they didn’t pay close attention to the little things. They proved that love could be conditional sometimes when Lily finally came out to them. It’s not that they didn’t accept her, it’s not that they didn’t accept their pronouns, no they just loved a little less. They loved Lily fiercely most of the time, just a bit quieter whenever it was about something they didn’t understand.
They support her, but they don’t get it. Petunia on the other hand is what they wanted. She’s perfect in their eyes, despite years of growing up the less favourable one. Maybe that’s what started her resentment. That she wasn’t the favourite until Lily changed. If Lily had never grown into herself the way she has and been confident in who she really is, then she would have remained the star daughter. But she did, and now she’s without a sister.
She’ll never know. But now she has other people to fill the gaps left by her family. Lily still has their parents, but even that feels tainted by Tuney. At least she has some distance for now. It’s something to deal with when they go back, but even then they don’t live at home. For now they can exist outside of her family.
“Are you sure you don’t mind? I have some stuff on my mind.” They hesitate, never wanting to be a burden.
“I’m sure. What is it?”
“My sister, well I don’t think she would want me calling her that anymore, anyway she cut me off. We were already not really talking for awhile, but I tried sometimes. She made it so I can’t anymore and I feel…”
“Lost? That makes sense. You will always have her even when you don’t. But you have more than enough people who won’t ever leave you.” Effie is quick to jump in and say what should be comforting.
Lily isn’t sure that it’s true, but she hopes it is. “I don’t know what to say to my parents about it.”
“I only have James, so I’m not sure what would happen if they stopped talking to a hypothetical sibling. But, they love you.” Her heart clenches. “They love both of you, and your happiness is what matters to them. Over anything else a parent wants their kid to be safe and happy. Are you?”
“Without Tuney I don’t know.” The words hang on her lips and they taste like iron.
“With your friends are you?”
“Yeah, I love all of them.”
Effie squeezes her hand and it spreads through them. “That can be enough for now. Siblings never truly leave, you just have to give it time for you to find your way back. It’ll be okay.”
Talking about it helps more than it hurts. That’s one thing she’s grateful for. She’s not at all ready to keep talking about it though, this was enough. Effie leaves her with things to think about as she starts cooking dinner. It’s a simple meal tonight, and she’s not even sure if everyone is eating together or anything, so it doesn't matter much. It’s just food.
Out the kitchen window they can see Dorcas walking through the trees and it brings a smile to their face. Something so simple, but then again it really is that easy. God she’s a fool for them, she wants to be more than friends. It’s just such a hard line to cross over. Maybe… Now she’s thinking. A plan is cooking in her mind. Lily is going to make this happen.
Are there steps to this plan yet? No of course not, she just decided to really do something about her feelings. In a more obvious way. Really putting herself out there with the opportunity to be hurt. But Dorcas won’t hurt her. They wouldn’t and even if they did, better to be hurt by them than nothing at all.
When Marlene walks in from the fire pit, the first part of the plan comes to her. “Marls, come here!”
“What do ya need Lil?”
“A favour sort of. You know how I kinda like Cas?”
Before she can say any more they cut her off, literally holding up their hand to stop her. “Kinda? I think you’ve lost it if that’s what you consider ‘kinda’ liking someone. But yes, I know how you’re madly in love with them. Carry on.”
She rolls her eyes to hopefully stop blood from rushing to her cheeks. “Right anyway. You said if we ever wanted to that you would be open to switching rooms with me. Is that still… Only if you want to though.”
“Oh is that all? Yeah, don’t mind at all. If Mary is cool with it, I’m happy to share with her.”
And there goes the plan. Not that she forgot this would involve Mary to some extent, she was just ignoring it. If it were just one night, Marlene could easily sleep on the couch again. But for the rest of the summer, that just wouldn’t be fair. So a full swap is needed and for that she needs to face her best friend again.
They’re okay, they’re fine now. At least to Lily they are. She thinks Mary feels the same. This is just- It’s rubbing their hopefully soon to be relationship in her face. It’s not fair to her. Okay, so maybe this plan has some holes. Maybe she needs to figure something else out.
“Right yeah, I’ll let you know. Thanks, really.”
It’s not ideal, but Lily will figure something out.
The next day brings a lot of thinking. Lily hates days like that. Days where they end up stuck in their head more than they are doing anything else. It’s not fun when too many things have gone wrong recently. It’s never really fun for them, but right now it really isn’t.
They think about Petunia some more, though if anyone asks they don’t. Lily hates her. She hates her for what she did and she hates that she hates her. That's her big sister, and at the same time that’s who pulled everything she knew out from under her. Her guiding light and the match that lit the fuse.
Lily thinks a lot about Mary too. She’s always thought a lot about her, just in different ways over the years. This is the first time she’s had no idea what to do. This is all new territory for her. She’s without a guide and she’s uneasy about everything. Always so used to taking care of everyone else and now she’s not very good at it. She needs to be taken care of instead, if only she would let someone.
Thinking does make the day go by quickly. It’s night before she even realises it. Someone decided on a fire tonight and Mary picked up more marshmallows for s’mores. When she heard that this was the plan, her heart dropped into her stomach. But that’s okay she won’t show it. Lily just won’t make any s’mores this time. Tuney was all she could think about last time, why do that again.
Unlike some people, Lily sits in her own chair around the fire. Somehow she ends up between Dorcas and Mary, earning her a look from a few people. Just the ones that know that it was more than just an argument between Lily and Mary, but it’s not hard to figure out. There had to be a root to it, and there was. It’s in the past now though. So it’s perfectly fine to be sitting next to both of them. Not awkward at all.
Peter snakes between the chairs and returns a minute later yelling. “I grabbed the marshmallows!”
“Did you happen to get any of the other things like chocolate or graham crackers?” Opposite from them Regulus stares pointedly.
“Er- no. I can though…”
The fire roars in front of her and she stares at it just long enough that everything else blurs. Out of the corner of her eye she can see Dorcas, glowing in the light. They’re gorgeous, Lily is so fucked. There’s laughter and chatter around the circle but she doesn’t pay attention, it’s much nicer being tuned out.
And then she hears, “Mary!” That’s still one way to grab her attention that will never go away.
“Really?” Next to her she groans.
“For Sirius.” Remus softly throws back.
“Just a minute.”
Mary takes her time roasting a marshmallow. Just like Lily usually does. She brings it over to Sirius once the s’more looks perfect and to the highest standard, then slumps back in her own seat.
“None for yourself?” They venture cautiously.
“Maybe in a bit. That was hard work.” Mary laughs.
She pushes a laugh out to match her, swallowing the feeling in her chest. Getting rid of the thoughts of Petunia and their childhood summers. The anxiety sits right where it is though. Lily turns to look and Cas has gone to talk to Peter, so nows the time she thinks. Not that it’s something Dorcas shouldn’t hear, but it’s probably better if they don’t.
“Can I- I have something to ask you or I guess talk to you about.” Lily blurts out.
“Oh, sure. What is it?”
“Well you know that Dorcas and I have been getting closer. I don’t want to hurt you, that’s not at all what I want to do. I promise.” She quickly backtracks before continuing. “I was thinking if you would be okay with it, swapping rooms. So Marlene would be with you, they’re fine with it already. You can say no though, I’m asking.”
“Oh.” Her lips remain parted and for what feels like forever, she stares just past her.
All they can do is wait for her to say something else.
“That’s okay. I’m not going to stop you, it’s not up to me if you want to share with Cas.”
Lily’s breath catches and… It hurts. Mary is so good and here they are breaking her heart. Knowingly. “It’s a bed, you can have a say.”
“I know you want to, and I want you to be happy. So it’s okay.” Her voice doesn’t waiver and Lily feels like an awful friend. “Are you switching tonight?”
“Maybe tomorrow.” She swallows, no longer feeling as excited as she was.
The next day Lily wakes up ready to actually do something. Well first she wakes up late, on purpose. Just like she got into bed early last night. Maybe she’s avoiding Mary a bit, not entirely since they will see each other, but just enough that she’s trying to keep from rubbing salt in the wound.
The first thing she needs to do is figure out how to make this happen. At least some of the group is always together and this is not something to happen like that. It needs to be just her and Dorcas. Though it’s often hard lately to get away from everyone. Would anyone stop the two of them if they snuck off? Probably not, but that’s not the point.
If she’s going to kiss them, she wants it to be nice. Special even. It’s just so built up in her head now, they’ve put it off for so long that it can’t be anything else. Lily doesn’t feel like this often and the vulnerability that comes with it scares the shit out of her. But that’s just what it is. Scary. But if there’s a plan, then it’s less scary. Less things can go wrong. There aren’t unexpected factors that will mess with it.
Someone will need to help. That’s what they figure out first. Someone to make sure things go smoothly without embarrassing them. So Marlene is out of the question, she would make it obvious or burst out laughing while it happens. Mary was never an option for this, neither are Sirius or Remus right now. James could, though they aren’t very focused lately on anything other than Sirius or Regulus.
So, “Peter! Can you help me with something?” She spots him as soon as she’s in the main room of the cabin.
He shrugs and follows her out to the porch. “What do you need?”
“Can you keep a secret? Just for today.”
Peter nods. He’s not the first choice or the first she would ask, but for this it makes sense. There won’t be any reason he’ll be distracted like some others will be and he never gets overly involved or invested in anyone’s love lives. So he won’t make this awkward or anything at least. Maybe he’ll tease her about it later on but he can help now.
“I’m going to kiss Dorcas.”
“You mean you haven’t already? What are we teenagers?” Maybe she stands corrected.
“Shut up. Just a lot has been going on. It was never the time. But things are getting easier and slowly getting better, right? So… Anyway, I have a plan.”
His part of the plan really isn’t much at all. Just keeping the secret until it’s time. Later this afternoon, before dinner most likely, Lily will go down to the dock. Peter’s job is to make sure no one else goes down there. Before and during the whole thing. Then once she’s down there, he will find Dorcas and tell them they should head down there. That’s it.
The dock has been a shared spot for them this whole summer. During the day but especially at night. It’s usually where they go off to when it’s just them and they want some distance from the group. Lily likes it because sitting on the edge reminds her of the feeling that they give her. Looking over the edge of a cliff, water below, yet still so unknown.
It’s the perfect place for their first kiss.
All day it’s the only thing on her mind. No one goes to the dock today, mostly because it’s a chillier day. But maybe Peter is keeping his word that he will help. Lily does slip away to put a blanket down there for them to sit on, just so that it’s not as obvious when they duck out later. There’s not really anything else they will need, so it’s easy. The plan is really simple and they are just making it more complicated than it needs to be. She knows this.
It’s afternoon before Sirius comes over today. Which isn’t surprising, though different from the past few days. He’s been doing a bit better, talking more and all that. But not every day is going to be good. Today seems to not be, by the looks of them coming over with still wet hair and sitting without saying much. It’s enough for them to just be here though.
Just to focus on something else, Lily plays cards with Marlene. It doesn’t do all that much in terms of distracting and they lose every time. That’s a given with her, but still. It only lasts for two rounds. They aren’t in it enough to properly play.
“You’re letting me win.” Marlene sighs.
“No, I’m just- got stuff on my mind.”
“Want to talk about it?” She asks, snapping out of competitive mode.
Lily shakes her head. “It’s okay.”
For a second they overthink. They should talk, or at least shouldn’t obviously bottle things up. It’s what they have all learned Sirius has been doing and that’s making them a hypocrite. Except Lily just genuinely doesn’t want to talk about this now, because Cas is here and it’s a surprise. That’s all it is.
Until it’s not. There’s one person she would want to talk about it with. The same person she wanted to, and did talk about her first ever kiss with. The same person who could always give her advice about boys even if that was never going to be relevant to Lily. The same person who would probably have some things to say about her interest in Dorcas that wouldn’t be helpful.
Maybe it’s a good thing she can’t talk to Petunia about it. She wouldn’t get it. The guys she has kissed or dated all seem awful. They’re nothing like Dorcas, not a single one could come close to being as great as them. Even still, Lily wants her sister to know. She wants to tell her everything because that’s her sister. And her sister taught her everything she knows.
“You sure?”
“Maybe another time. I just-” Lily swallows harshly. “I miss my sister and I hate my sister and I-”, but she can’t finish the last part.
“It’s okay we don’t have to now. Look, I think the cookies they’re making are almost done. We could go have some?” Marlene gestures to the kitchen.
They get up from the ground, the smell of peanut butter and chocolate filling the air. Across the cabin, James and Regulus and in a fit of laughter. They don’t think they have ever seen the younger Black looking so happy, though James is to be expected. The door in the other direction slams shut. Lily spins around and sees that Sirius has gone, explaining the door, but leaving more questions.
Remus seems to have followed and he can help them however they need. The cookies here aren’t yet out of the oven, but they will be soon. After this she’s thinking it will be nearly time. While the groups disperse and some start to work on dinner. That should work, right? It’s as good a time as any.
Just after the cookies are done, she snags one and heads out before anyone notices that she’s gone. With her she has her phone to text Peter, who should be prepared. No one has said anything so as far as she knows, the secret has been kept. The walk down to the dock feels longer today than it usually does, but this time there really is a steep cliff at the end. A free fall that could end in disaster if things don’t go how she wants.
She sits on the edge on top of the blanket, jittery. Not quite shaking, but also not not shaking. The text to Peter is short and simple. It’s time. Cas has been hanging around the cabin, so it wouldn’t be hard to tell them to come here. The minutes pass by and she gets more and more nervous. It’s silly really.
From what she knows, the feelings are reciprocated. To what extent, well, she has no idea. That could ruin this. It could ruin her. But that’s for a later time. At least that’s what she’s telling herself to not throw up at the thought. This will be fine, it’s not a big deal. It’s just a kiss. It’s just a kiss. It’s just a kiss.
Footsteps behind her catch her off guard, despite expecting them. They walk softly, but the air is quiet so they can still be heard. Lily doesn’t turn around, just waits for them to sit down. When Dorcas does, they almost immediately rest their hand on her thigh. The air leaves her lungs in more ways than one. Just as they usually are, neither of them talk.
It lasts like that. Still water in front of them, only a faint sound of wind blowing through the trees. Not enough to be cold though. Their feet bump against each other over the edge of the dock. She’s not stalling or hesitating, but she’s waiting until she works up the courage. Trying to decide if she should say something first or just go for it.
After it’s been long enough, or perhaps too long, Lily turns to face them. God they look radiant. The late afternoon sun reflecting on their skin makes them glow. She bites at her lip anxiously, but still places her hand on top of theirs. Little movements to get them where she’s trying to be. Slowly but surely, they will kiss. It’s just a matter of-
More footsteps. Much louder, much more urgent. Running. Both of them whip around, brought entirely out of the moment and Lily’s stomach drops.
“Remus?”
“Sorry, Peter told me where to find you. I- Can you help me with something?”
She looks first to Dorcas with apologetic eyes, but they nudge her to go with him.
“What is it?”
He takes a deep breath and holds it for a moment. When he looks back up at her, his eyes are brimming with tears and Lily’s stomach drops again. “Sirius told me something about that night and I- I don’t know what to do. I need to go back, they’re in bed now, but can you help?”
“Yeah, whatever you need.”
“Just- He won’t want to hear it from me. Can you go get Regulus and tell him that Sirius said…”
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REGULUS
It’s been a day since Sirius seemed to put in some effort with… well, living. Two days since they started talking at all. Last night and the night before he tried to get some sleep. While mostly unsuccessful, he’s trying. At least he knows that Sirius is trying too and that’s some sort of comfort. Not entirely, but it's the faintest semblance of peace of mind that keeps him going.
Last night he slept maybe two hours. James slept for longer, which is good. He doesn’t seem to function too well without much sleep. There’s not anything either of them can do at night either is the thing. Sirius is in another room with Remus and that’s not changing, so they are just exhausted with nothing to show for it.
Regulus would prefer that they were closer to him. Asleep on the couch or if he could watch them. To make sure nothing happens. He doesn’t trust anyone else fully to take care of them. He has to do it all, he has to take care of them. This is making up for all of the years that they took care of him when they were kids. He owes it to them.
He doesn’t want to leave them alone or with anyone but himself, but he can tell that everyone wants him to. James convinces him to take a trip to the store this morning. He hates the idea of not being in the same place as them right now. Even if the few short conversations they have had the last two days were anything but nice. Regulus knows that they are trying to hit him where it will hurt so that he gives up. But that’s not going to happen.
Not in a million fucking years. Not in any world.
“I told you it would be quick! It’s not even 12 yet.” James boasts as they pull back in the drive.
They needed to get just a few things so it really was a quick trip. Ten minutes there, maybe fifteen to shop, and ten minutes back. He took Sirius’ car even though James offered to take his parents’. He feels better driving. It’s a comfort to him and usually preferable alone, though they aren’t the worst company. In all honesty Regulus doesn’t want to be alone much these days.
“It wasn’t that long.” He grumbles for having left at all.
“Let’s put everything away and then we can find Sirius and everyone.”
“I doubt they’re with everyone.”
“Well they might be. It would be good. Oh hi mum!”
Effie smiles at them, instantly reaching out to grab the bags from both of them. “I’ll get these. They’re down at the fire pit last I saw.”
Before going down Regulus looks out and sees them sitting with Remus. Their face is toward the lake so it’s not visible, he can’t get a read on how they are from here. A few others are sitting around with them, so they join easily. James of course more easily jumps into conversation with their friends, while Regulus sits back and observes. Though he does feel significantly more comfortable than before. It’s not hard to be here.
Remus keeps his focus on Sirius, barely taking his eyes off of them. It’s weirdly comforting. He at most times also has a hand on them somewhere. That he understands. A physical reminder that they have someone and that they are there. Holding their hand, a hand on their thigh, fingers running through their hair. Something.
It’s weird to watch. Part of him really really hates it. He doesn’t trust Remus. He hardly knows him. He doesn’t like him. He’s not sure he understands what he is to Sirius and he doesn’t like that either. Because of that he can’t trust that he knows what is best for Sirius right now and doesn’t know if he is what’s best. So all around, he’s wary.
He has also voiced as much. In one way or another. Snapping at him included. James brought that up with him and was not very happy about it. They didn’t like how it came across, or something along those lines. But he’s pretty sure it came across exactly as he meant it to.
No one can help Sirius the way that he can. He’s their brother, he can handle this.
But because of that, he’s making an attempt to let go a bit. Still watching, but he’s less reactive when anyone touches or talks to them. Like now, he doesn’t grimace or glare whenever Remus leans in to whisper something to them. Or when Lily goes over to talk to them. He just lets it happen. Lets James distract him by requiring his full attention for one reason or another.
It’s not easy by any means, but this is the step he’s taking. A pretty big step for him. A jump even. He hates it. How is he supposed to trust that all of these, any of these, people here can take care of them and help them recover and get better? They haven’t proved that they can at all. This is who they have been feeling awful with for so long and no one did anything. They didn’t know, but how did they not?
Maybe it’s not their fault, that’s what James keeps telling him. That’s still just a maybe, but what if? Why would Regulus trust them? He doesn’t get much of a choice though, no one is letting him. They don’t think he can help Sirius on his own, but that’s his sibling, he’s their brother. He can do anything for them, including this.
Sirius leans back against Remus and looks off to the trees. Away from everyone. He studies their face, but doesn’t find any giveaways for how they are feeling. They aren’t saying anything either unless someone talks to him first. Just barely there, zoning out maybe. It makes him sick to think about how they might be feeling underneath their shell. He wants to take it all away.
Next to him James starts to get fidgety. Their hands instantly try to find him. He’s too tense to let them hold his hand, he’s nearly white knuckled the way he’s clenching his fists. Just watching how everyone interacts with Sirius. Instead their fingers end up tracing shapes on his back and it soothes a small part of him.
As the circle begins to fill quite a bit, they lean in to suggest leaving. “We can go in and read or watch something. I don’t want to overwhelm Sirius with everyone.”
“I should stay here with them.”
“We talked about this, love.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, but they can’t see. “Right and I told you I don’t trust him.”
“I do. And Sirius does. Look, they’re calm and comfortable in his arms.” James points out. “You said you would make an attempt.”
“I don’t have to like it.” He groans quietly, but stands and follows them inside.
If Sirius is trying then so can he. Just at different things with the same goal. He’s making a genuine attempt, he would like that to be known. Regulus is willingly leaving them be and not watching them every hour of the day. He hates it. He can’t make sure they’re okay. No one else knows how to properly do that, they don’t know what Sirius needs.
He doesn’t care that they have all spent more time with him recently. Regulus is their little brother and that means more.
It's been two days since they started trying to get better. What Regulus is now realising, is that when he lets go just a bit, he has more time for himself. He can let himself enjoy things without having Sirius in the back of his mind at all times. He can breathe a little bit easier.
Sort of. It’s complicated, okay? You see, the thing is… There are now moments that he lets his mind wander. Mostly when he and James are together and the focus is on them. Like in the morning when they wake up, after now three or four hours of sleep, they kiss him and that’s all he can think about. His first thought is of Sirius, but then he lets other thoughts come through. Like James’ hands in his hair when their lips are on each other.
Not that he wants to think about anything else. His main focus is still making sure that they are okay and to do anything that they need. Subconsciously though, his mind has started to allow other things in because maybe deep down he’s starting to trust that other people can help. Regulus doesn’t need the help or even need the distractions, but he doesn’t push them away.
“James…” He wiggles out of their grasp. “James, come on. Let’s get up.”
“But-” They look at him and he almost folds.
“I want to see how Sirius is doing today. Then we can do whatever you want. Yeah?” Regulus barters. He wins, and he feels a wave of relief that they don’t argue to keep him away longer.
Though when they leave their room and come into the living room only to find Sirius straddling Remus, that’s when he really wants to think about something else.
“Really?” He groans in disgust.
Next to him James laughs as his sibling removes Remus from their face. “Yes, now fuck off.”
In an instant, still cracking up, James shoves him down the hallway. “We’ll be going now. Enjoy!”
They push him half of the way to the door, but Regulus had no plans to stay there and watch. He really did not need that. And really, it’s making him question things a bit. Should they really be throwing themself at Remus right now? Is that really the smartest thing to do? No, of course it’s not. He doesn’t expect the smart decisions to come from Sirius.
He’s almost positive they are using it as a way to distract themself. He also knows that he is right, because he’s done it before. Regulus is presently stopping himself from doing the same thing with James, but that’s because he thinks, and hates that, there are genuine feelings growing here. He can’t focus on that for the time being. But that’s exactly the sort of thing Sirius would do.
It brings up the question again of can he trust Remus to take care of them if this is what they end up doing. Now is not the time to intervene though. Instead he trails after James to the other cabin and then down to the dock. He just wanted to say hi to the rest of his friends, but was satisfied with a quick hello. Now he wants some alone time, since Regulus isn’t sticking himself on 24/7 Sirius Watch.
They stay there until dinner. Not talking all that much, just existing. Regulus has a book that he attempts to read and James plays music softly from his phone. It’s peaceful and relaxing and probably better rest than he actually gets at night. So he’s fond of it. An afternoon well spent, aside from the constant worry banging in his mind.
“S’mores tonight?” James asks out of no where.
“Uh- sure?”
“Mary just texted. Want to go see if Sirius is up for it?”
Yes, but does he want to actually dare entering the cabin again? “Think it’s safe to?”
“Mmm perhaps. Just knock?” They laugh, clearly more accustomed to this, along with the fact that it’s not his sibling.
He goes anyway, because he does just want to see Sirius. It’s been hours since he has and he can’t help but worry. They are probably fine right now, but he hates not making sure. So that’s what he does. Like James suggests, he knocks on the cabin door, waiting for a response. He knocks again on the bedroom door because he finds they are in there and it’s closed.
“Can I talk to you?” He asks, giving them a choice because they like having that.
Sirius nods and follows him without question. Their head hanging a bit, but otherwise seems okay.
“Your fri- Everyone is thinking about having a fire and making s’mores tonight.” He starts.
“And?”
“I’d like to see if you would be up for it. It’s okay if you’re not, but are you? We want you there.”
He thinks for a moment. Fully taking thirty seconds before responding. Quite a long time just to say, “Okay.”
“Okay? Alright then. Good. I’m glad you’re feeling up to it.” He nods.
Once it’s dark they all make their way out. It’s loud with everyone. Just compared to how it’s been. They don’t hold back as much as a group. Everyone is talking or laughing and a few times he even catches Sirius participating in the noise. But mostly they sink into Remus as a shield to how they are feeling. Hiding behind him even if it’s not that bad. At least they look like they are the best they have been since that night.
It lets Regulus enjoy his night too. The seating arrangement around the fire is very different from how it’s been previously. For one, Regulus and James are sharing one chair. They aren’t that small of chairs, but they aren’t that big and there are more than enough of them. Still, as they were sitting down, James pulled Regulus into his lap and they have morphed into one here. He likes being close to them, he finds that he actually likes the physical contact.
James wraps his arms around his waist and rests his head on their shoulder from behind. He mindlessly draws his fingers over their hands and arms. While Regulus isn’t any more talkative than he usually is, James makes up for it. From behind him, they chat with anyone within earshot. First to Dorcas who is nearby and then to Sirius for a short bit. Regulus participates in that conversation. Sort of. He nods along and pays attention until she starts to talk about Remus.
When she then asks for a s’more, he turns to look back at James. “Don’t you ask for one either. I’m not getting up from here until we are going inside.”
“But what if I ask really, really nicely?”
“Still no.” If they weren’t surrounded by people he would give them a quick kiss. He doesn’t though, it would be much too public and vulnerable.
The next day, the third since Sirius started to make progress, he has a nice quiet morning. He wakes up first, still only three hours of sleep but he’s trying. Since it’s rare that James is sleeping, he leaves them there while he goes to have coffee. No one else is up yet, the Potters haven’t come for the day yet. It’s just quiet and serene.
He’s needed this. The only company he has while he sips on the mediocre coffee out in the morning air is his book. There’s a nice breeze that is always a pleasant occurrence in the summer. Not that it’s scorching up here at the lake, but still. He finishes his coffee, but still finds that no one has emerged so he continues reading. He gets much further into it than he has the whole time he’s been attempting to read the past few weeks.
Regulus hardly notices when two hands land on his shoulders. He is usually much more attuned to his surroundings. Though he doesn’t mind as it’s James.
“You weren’t there when I woke up.” He pouts.
“And you weren’t awake when I was.”
“Well you could have woken me.”
He acts as though he is pondering. “Mmm I could have. But you need sleep.”
“No more than you do!”
“James, just sit with me now. Look I’m putting my book down too.”
Now across from him, they smile. “Better. Okay so, we’re going to make cookies today.”
“Oh, are we now?” Regulus teases.
“Yes, I’ve decided. We already got everything we need.”
“Is that why we went to the store yesterday?”
“Mm Hmm. Didn’t think you would go with me if I told you then. But you’ll make cookies with me right?” He rolls his eyes at them, because they are ridiculous.
And he tells them as much. “You know you’re ridiculous right?”
“I think you’ve told me before.” They smile and take that as a yes.
That’s how they end up in the kitchen of the other cabin baking while everyone else is just sitting around. He didn’t see Sirius at all in the morning. It worried him a little bit, but James told him to let Remus handle it for now. He still hates it, but he lets it happen. It’s not what he wants to do, it’s not the way he would do things. But he’s not really given a choice and the would rather not fight. He settles for making cookies while the others barely talk over on the couch.
Once again James puts on music just loud enough for the two of them to hear, but not so loud that it protrudes to the rest of the group. There are people talking enough that they can’t hear it anyway. The good thing about this is that James picks decent music. It’s not always songs that he loves, but it’s never bad music. The incredibly annoying part of this is that they change the song thirty seconds in half of the time. He doesn’t think they have gotten through an entire song once since they started mixing the ingredients. Every time James grabs his phone again he’s tempted to throw the spoon in his hand at them. He behaves, for now.
“Just once, let the song finish.”
“What’s the fun in that?” They skip once more and then go digging in the drawers for a scoop to use for the cookies.
“It’s just how you should listen to music! Songs are made to be listened to in full.”
“Art is meant to be interpreted and enjoyed however someone wants to.”
Oh well that’s just infuriating. He puts the bowl down and crosses his arms. “Don’t use things I’ve said to you against me.”
“But you did say that. Don’t try to tell me you didn’t. You can’t pick and choose when it applies.”
The thing is he did tell that to James. One night they were up talking and he was first talking about books and then somehow got to talking about art. The two are connected in a way. Just different forms. Regulus has never been the most talented artist, but he loves art. Sirius is the one with more actual talent. Either way they both love art and almost never agree on different pieces when they go to a museum. That’s the context of his words.
Not this.
“It’s different!” Regulus argues.
“Oh, sure it is.” They mimic his stance and tease him.
“I hate you.”
“That’s not true.” They turn to put the cookies in the oven. “I think you know I’m right.”
He doesn’t let his face flicker to anything other than indifference or annoyance. They take this as an invitation now that the first batch of cookies is in to close the gap between them and wrap their arms around him from behind. Regulus tries to wriggle free but they hold tight.
“Let go! This doesn’t make you right.”
“I think it does. And wait, look at that! Or listen rather.”
A song finishes after playing start to finish. Like the very normal occurrence that happens when you listen to music. Not a fucking miracle.
“Oh, would you like an award? You listened to one song in full. Should we alert the media?” Regulus pokes fun at them.
This leads to an eruption of laughter and it’s immediately contagious. He hates how easily he makes him laugh. It brings his guard down even after he started to put it back up last week. And now James is already knocking it down again. He hates it and he hates them. Except for the fact that he doesn’t hate them at all. And he hates that even more. The Regulus of a month and a half ago would hate it even more.
It takes ten minutes for these cookies to be ready. Then fifteen to cool before moving to a separate cooling rack. Then five for them to make the next batch. Which takes time only because they are thumbprint cookies with chocolate on top that need extra effort. Then do it over again for them to bake.
As this all happens and they wait, Regulus hops on the counter like he was never allowed to do at home. James fusses with the music some more, though less than before. Not purposefully agitating Regulus rather just trying to pick the right songs in general. He tries to hide the smile that settles on his face watching them.
They wander around the kitchen just looking around to pass the time. They grab a snack even though they are making cookies that will be ready very soon. It makes him gaze fondly. He looks around the cabin and finds that Sirius has gone at some point. He didn’t notice and that doesn’t sit right in his chest. He should have noticed. Though Remus is gone too, and he should just trust that.
Some of the others are lured over by the smell and wait for them to be ready before stealing some. James picked out the recipe and they are quite good. Not a bad way to spend the day. He lets James handle pulling the rest out of the oven and getting them to the cooling rack. The first batch is transferred to a plate. They pick one up for themself and now it's Regulus’ turn to pout.
A second one finds its way into their hand and then it’s placed in his mouth. He grabs it so it doesn’t fall when he bites down and they turned out good. He nearly moans as the flavours hit him. Very good. Cookies are up there on desserts he likes. He didn’t get many as a kid, but when he did they were always nice. Something small that he or Sirius could sneak home from school for each other if someone in their classes brought them in. So he likes cookies, they’re a positive memory.
“Good?”
“Mmmm” he hums approvingly.
“Agreed. I was so smart to do this.” James smiles.
“You are so-” Regulus jumps down. “Let’s clean up.”
“Boring. But fine, you wash, I'll dry.”
And that’s what they do. Easy enough and they don’t talk much as they do. James hums along to the music, which he has finally stopped skipping through. Likely just because it’s too hard to do that while cleaning up. But still, a win is a win. Once the kitchen is all clean and the cookies are all cooled, James grabs two more and drags him over to the sofa.
His time there sitting curled up with them is short lived.
“Regulus! Can- I need to talk to you.” Lily rushes in, a little frantic.
He jumps up without hesitating or paying any attention to the hand that reaches out to stop him. “What is it? Is Sirius okay?”
She leans in and whispers in his ear. His heart drops and his stomach is in his throat. He can’t breathe, he can’t see.
All he can do is try to find them before he panics.
A hand grabs onto him again, the same as earlier. He doesn’t look back at James, he just yanks himself free and bolts to the other cabin. Regulus gets there quicker than what seems possible, but he knows they need him right now. Maybe they didn’t ask for him, but he’s needed, he can help.
“I-I don’t know where they ended up. I just went to tell Lily and they were curled up in bed. I didn’t think they would move. I- Fuck, sorry I shouldn’t have… Where do you think they would be?” Remus rambles and he doesn’t even have time to be annoyed at him.
He just needs to find Sirius.
Of course he knows where they will be. Always where they would go if they needed to take a proper breather. Not the same roof, but still a roof. He climbs up and of course they are there. Staring off in the distance over at the water. But they aren’t near the edge. They are sitting with their knees pulled to their chest, head resting atop, stare blank.
“Sirius… I’m here.” He sits next to them, shoulder to shoulder.
They don’t say anything, just watch as the sun starts to touch the tops of the trees.
“What do you mean you told James you were going to kill yourself? I- what do you mean he knew and-?” He doesn’t try to hide the way his voice breaks as it comes out. He pleads. “What do you mean? Tell me what you mean…”