Part III
LILY
Nothing has gone back to normal. Going down and sitting on the dock while the sun is out has nothing to do with things being normal. They aren’t. It’s just nice outside and Sirius seems to want space. No one else is giving it to them, but Lily will. She knows when to push and when not to. Right now the best thing she can do is let them breathe.
Once she came down here, some others followed. Or rather, they all started to peel off to do their own thing for the afternoon. She finds that Mary had the same idea, or maybe she just wanted to talk. This week hasn’t been good for anyone and to be completely honest, she needs her best friend.
Dorcas has been there every second that Lily needs, but they aren’t her best friend. They’re something more, something that doesn’t quite have a name. But really she has wanted Mary. The one who has been there for nearly every hard moment and bad day for the last few years. Seemingly the only person who can put up with all of her crap and still come back for more.
“Hey,” She’s hesitant and that just about kills Lily.
“Sit?” They invite her in, she has no reason not to now. “We’re okay, you know. I’m not- None of it matters. We’re okay.”
Her face softens. “I’ll always be here for you. Whatever you need.”
It hurts how her best friend in the world seems scared to talk to her. It’s not right it’s not how things are supposed to be. It’s Lily that made them this way though. That hurts even more. She has to fix it she has to help build the bridge back up between them. Even if they are on opposite sides of it, there needs to be a way across. They can’t stare at each other over the chasm off the edge of a cliff for the rest of time.
If this week has made her realise anything it’s that she can’t lose anyone. No one. She’s already and still and forever will be dealing with not having a sister anymore. There is no world in which Lily can let this weirdness simmer on with Mary. It would last forever and she’s not doing that. She needs her right now more than ever.
“I mean it. We are okay. You’re my best friend.” As she says it, she knows that it hits right in her chest. Lily didn’t mean it that way though, she doesn’t mean for it to hurt.
Mary fights it though, to her credit. If Lily didn’t already know about her feelings, she wouldn’t see it. It wouldn’t come across as anything out of the ordinary. It kills her. Knowing that she is the one hurting her. Forcing her to watch as they fall for someone else. The ironic thing is that the same thing happened to her once. She hadn’t known at the time what her feelings were. After the fact it was glaringly obvious.
Just around the time that they first clocked their own feelings for Mary, they had been friends for a year or so. She was just settling into a relationship with her first girlfriend, Emmeline. They weren’t in love yet, but night after night, Mary would go out with her and come home to Lily and gush to them about how great her girlfriend was. It stung. Eventually her feelings faded and it hurt less, but even thinking back brings a pang to their chest.
For a moment they consider the silence sitting between them, and then they remember their friend laying in bed up at the cabin that hasn’t spoken in nearly a week. Things shouldn’t be left unsaid. Not when nothing is certain and they almost lost another person they care about. Lily just hopes that it won’t change anything. That they can talk and be okay again. This just can’t stay like this boiling between them. One day it would spill over without their permission.
“You’re thinking… Do you want to talk?” Mary asks, though she used to not.
“I- I heard what you were saying.” They bite their lip nervously. “When we were fighting. I heard you.”
“You- oh. Oh. Fuck Lil, I- I shouldn’t have said any of that. It’s not your fault.”
“No, it’s okay. I should have realised and been better.”
They had been there, they knew what it was like to be in love with their best friend. To not have those feelings reciprocated in the same way. It could have been that way for much longer than they realise and that is not fair either. Lily isn’t fully in control of their feelings either, this whole Dorcas thing came crashing into them like an avalanche. Thrown off a cliff, clinging to whatever rocks they can.
“You couldn’t have. I tried to keep it so you wouldn’t know, I know you don’t feel the same.” Mary sighs.
“Hey, listen to me Mare. I love you. Maybe not in the same way right now, but I did love you like that. I was so in love with you and it devastated me. Maybe if it hadn’t…” Is it really smart to dwell on what could have been?
“When?”
“Remember when you started dating Em? A bit before then, but my timing of realising it wasn’t the best.” They laugh and shake their head, which lightens the mood.
“No not really.” Mary, like her usual self, leans her head on their shoulder. It’s the closest to normal they have been in weeks. God they missed her. “So why did you never say anything?”
“Why didn’t you?”
“If you don’t remember, that is exactly what we’re talking about right now.”
“You were the first person I ever had feelings for. I didn’t understand it myself either.” Lily lets the words slip out with ease.
It was different than the crush she has right now, it’s different than the crushes she has pretended to have in the past. With Mary it wasn’t until the feelings were starting to fade that she recognised that they were there at all. She didn’t tell Petunia about that time either, even if they were still talking at the time. Lily doesn’t think she would have understood. But right now she knows the feelings for Dorcas have been building in her chest, a crush and more than a crush all at once.
So they talk about it. The good and the bad. Even the ugly. Though between the two of them there is hardly any ugly to go around. Aside from maybe the guy Lily hooked up with in uni when Mary was with Emmeline, or the gash on their foot last week from stepping on glass. Part of them is still worried that things won’t be able to go fully back to normal, but this is a start. They’re okay right now. There is no room for losing anyone after this week.
Lily won’t be losing Mary. They kept Sirius too. With them, and the rest of their friends, maybe they can survive a life without Petunia. No one can replace Tuney though. No one could try. Even when she wasn’t the best sister, even now, she doesn’t want a replacement. At least she has the good memories of her to keep close to her chest. Or keep locked away for a rainy day, which is more likely.
Eventually they go back up to the cabin, hoping not everyone will be there. There’s noise coming from their cabin, but the other one is quiet. So they go there. Maybe everyone is continuing to give Sirius space, or it’s just gotten too crowded with Andy and the Potters still hanging around. Either way, Lily could use Sirius right now.
“I’m gonna go check on who’s making dinner tonight. Let me know if they seem up for more visitors. I miss talking to them.” Mary squeezes her hand before splitting off in the other direction on the path.
It’s not that it’s hard to be with Sirius right now, and really that’s exactly what they need, but they still aren’t talking. And Regulus hasn’t left their side except for at night. When he’s literally been dragged away and forced into bed. He looks exhausted, but somehow also wide awake when they step into the cabin. He’s in the middle of grabbing something from the kitchen but appears to be turning back to look behind him every few seconds.
It’s distressing. He’s not okay, Lily isn’t sure who he thinks he is fooling. Though everyone is focused on Sirius and not him. No one is seeing what she is so clearly seeing. He’s grasping for something, grasping for the one thing that tethers him. It’s clear to her, but she’s a younger sister. Or was. Of course she understands.
“Hi Sirius.” She softly approaches.
They have been moving between the bedroom and one of the seats in the main room of the cabin for a few days now. And that’s about it. They haven’t eaten much, but hopefully enough to take their meds. They occasionally will take a sip of water. But that’s about it. There’s nothing any of them can do to change that. It’s all on their time, it’s whatever they need. At least they are alive, there is no timeline for them to find normalcy again.
Of course they don’t respond, so Lily carries on. “Mary and I talked, I think we’re actually okay now. Or we will be. I’m going to give her the space she needs I think.”
Even without them responding, talking to them helps. When it wasn’t Mary that she went to for advice, it was Sirius. They understand her. They always knew what to say or do. It’s not fair that now when they need help, Lily doesn’t know what to do. There’s nothing she can do because they don’t want to be here. They don’t want to be alive and for days now they have been upset that they are. She wants nothing more than to make it all better for them with a snap.
“I still haven’t told my parents what happened with Tuney. I should, right?” There’s no recognition or sign that they are even listening. “It’s okay, none of that matters. I’m just glad you’re here.”
“Lil? Can we talk?” James approaches, hesitant.
“‘Course James.” She looks back at Sirius for a moment, their eyes are unfocused she’s not sure if they heard anything she said.
Together they walk out to the front of the house. They're hardly ever out here but there’s a few chairs and a little table. She follows their lead and sits next to them. They look exhausted. James has their parents here right now which is great for them, and for Sirius. But it’s not enough. They aren’t ignoring him in the slightest, but they’re really here for Sirius.
They never show if they are hurt, well they usually don’t. Right now is completely new and if everyone wasn’t so focused on Sirius, they might notice. James is freaked out. The bags under their eyes can be seen through their glasses and their hair has never looked less put together. They are focused on anything but themself, and given the circumstances it makes sense. It’s not right though.
“What’s going on?”
He doesn’t really explain, he doesn’t say why he wanted to talk. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Can I be honest with you?” She treads lightly.
“Please do.”
“You look like shit. Have you been sleeping?”
James sighs and shakes his head. “Not since that night and a little bit at the hotel with my mum. I crashed but I erm- I haven’t slept since then. I can’t. I’ve tried but I can’t.”
It’s not his fault. It’s no one's fault. This is just how it is right now and it’s awful. James should be able to sleep, to get a break from everything just for a bit. He needs it, that much is clear. Everyone does. That’s the thing. No one is going to be able to help Sirius and properly be there for them if everyone is exhausted and tearing themselves apart.
“You need to. I haven’t been as much as I should but any is better than none.”
“I can’t. You don’t understand. I can’t sleep or something will happen. I can’t fall asleep even if I know that- even if they are tucked into their bed, I can’t. They were okay when I went to sleep that night and then they just weren’t. So I— I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.” His hands are shaking but he tries to conceal it. The tears slowly staining their face don’t help.
Lily reaches out, hoping a hand will steady them. It doesn't. They flail and lash out, jerking away from her at the smallest contact. “James, hey. Look at me. Please?”
“I can’t. I can’t lose them.”
“You didn’t, they’re okay. Sirius is here. You sleeping won’t change that.” Their panicked look doesn’t fade, but they nod.
“What do I do? How do I make it better?” They plead.
“I don’t know. I wish I knew. We just- we have to be there for them. They’re ours to take care of, we just have to do that.”
There’s nothing more than that. Not for them to do as their friends. They aren’t professionals with this. Lily knows that this is an uphill battle and it’s not going to be easy in the slightest. If anyone can make it out the other side it’s Sirius. Even if they don’t think they can. It just takes a little help. They need to take the meds the doctors prescribed and they need to try.
That is a lot to ask of them right now but it hasn’t been very long. No one is trying to rush them. The Potters said they are staying as long as they need to and everyone knows they will do whatever is needed to support them. There’s no question of if Sirius is loved and supported. That has never been the issue. Sometimes things are just bad in people’s heads. Sometimes awful things have happened to people that have made just living hard. It’s not fair.
The two of them stay outside for a bit. It’s nice out and there is a cool breeze that makes it pleasant and calming. James needs to breathe. Lily does too. This week has not been anyone’s best. It’s all quite frankly a mess because no one has a clue of what to do. Which really only makes way for even more miscommunication and walking on eggshells around each other.
Everyone will eventually hit a breaking point. Lily knows that she is not excluded from that, but maybe hers has already come and gone. She’s strong and she can handle all of this, she can pull it together and be there for all of her friends. If that’s what they need, she can do it. Better to focus on that than her own sister, not-sister.
“Think you can go back in?” She asks gently once they are breathing again and their crying has stopped.
“Yeah, I can. And I’ll- I’ll try to sleep tonight.”
“Good. Regulus needs you now too, help each other when you aren’t with Sirius, okay?”
Of course he agrees. It’s not going to be easy, but they all have each other in this too. Most importantly, they still have Sirius. Things will get better. No one is going to accept anything different. Lily extends her hand to him and he takes it. Longing for the comfort of someone else as if it’s been ages. He really just needs one specific comfort, he can’t have that just yet. Others will have to do for now.
Maybe it’s not her place, but she does it anyway. In a stray moment in the cabin when Regulus appears calm, or at least calmer, she grabs him. Over the month they have gravitated to each other in various moments. Lily would like to think that means something, that they have some sort of friendship. Which would be enough for her to say what she needs to.
“Make sure James sleeps, please.” She asks of him, before looking in his eyes clearly. “You need to sleep too. Both of you, okay?”
“I’ll sleep later. Sirius needs me so that’s my priority.” He doesn’t budge.
“They need you functioning, not draining yourself day after day.”
“Someone has to-”
“It doesn’t always have to be you. All of us can help, okay? I’m not letting anything get worse, I don’t have a sister anymore you aren’t going to lose yours.” The words tumble out, she means it, but she doesn’t mean to say it.
Regulus doesn’t pry and he doesn’t seem like he’s going to accept the help. He just turns and goes right back to Sirius. Where he’s been nearly all hours of the day. Today Sirius is in one of the plush chairs instead of on the sofa. There are two, so Reg takes the second and just sits there with them. They are facing out one of the big windows that has a view of the lake.
Maybe Sirius is the one who tried to kill themself, but Regulus is currently dying. Slowly and for the sake of helping his sibling, but still dying.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REGULUS
They do this everyday. It’s been the same routine. He’s not sure how long it will be like this, but that hardly matters. If he has Sirius then he will do anything for the rest of time. He just can’t lose them. Not again. It’s not an option. So sitting in various places in the cabin all day every day is hardly a hassle.
Sometimes he tries to talk to them, sometimes they just sit there. He’s been talking to whoever comes by, though only in short spurts. James is a bit different, as are his parents. Andy too of course, he never minds talking to his cousin. But everyone else is only in small doses. He can’t handle them right now and no one is doing the best thing for Sirius. Except for him. He’s making sure they keep breathing.
“Don’t you think they could use some space?” Someone asks.
Regulus doesn’t look up. He continues looking at his sibling, who is looking at nothing. Vaguely staring in the direction of the lake. The sun is starting to set and the reflection of the colours can be see there. It’s a nice view. Whoever tried to talk to him leaves and says nothing else. He doesn’t see who it is. This isn’t the first time this happens either.
He’s not trying to be rude. Really, he isn’t. Perhaps it will come off as rude to everyone else or even just some of them, but it’s not meant that way. He’s only doing whatever he needs to for Sirius and right now that’s sitting with them. That’s making sure they are alive and that they can’t try anything else.
A little while later someone comes over again. This time forcing themself in his field of vision. It’s Andromeda. Which, that’s fine. She has a lot of care and love for Sirius, she wants to take care of them too. She used to take care of them when they were kids, she’s older than them both and knows better. Of all the people here he trusts her the most after himself to handle this.
“Regulus? I know this is impossibly hard, I just need you to take care of yourself too. I heard you haven’t been sleeping and I’m worried about you.”
He shakes his head. “‘M fine. Just taking care of Sirius. Could you get dinner, maybe she’ll want to eat over here instead of at the table.”
“Of course. Just please, if you need help ask for it. I’ll be here until tomorrow, but Effie and Monty are staying longer.” She nods and obliges.
“That’s okay, I’m here. I’ve got them.”
He’s really not sure why everyone keeps pushing him on this. Why they all keep asking about him instead of Sirius. He knows how to take care of Sirius. It’s part of him. Taking care of them, and them in general. They are his sibling and they always will be. He wouldn’t exist without them, so that’s just not a possibility. He’s only ever lived a life where Sirius is there too, even when they left home, he still know the world had them in it.
Then it hits him. Does everyone else not think that he’s enough for them? Is that why they are all trying to push and nudge him out of taking care of them? They don’t think he can do it. Not alone at least, though he’s fairly certain he could. Regulus just needs to devote all of his focus to them and then it’s going to be okay. All of his energy goes to them, he doesn’t need to sleep. He just needs Sirius to be okay.
Despite all of that, maybe Sirius just needs to know that they have people. Aside from just Regulus. They are tethered, but Sirius has friends that love them, they have so many people that would burn the world down for them. Even if they aren’t going to come in here and talk to them the right way, the way they need, Regulus can do it.
“Andy is bringing dinner. Though you probably heard that. Never mind that then. The day is almost over but maybe tomorrow we can find your art supplies and draw or paint. We don’t have to talk, but we could do something.” He tries to ease into it, attempting to make his voice as calm and smooth as possible.
Of course they don’t say anything.
“Everyone is asking about you. Even if they aren’t over here sitting with you all the time, they’re asking.”
Not even a blink.
“I’m just glad you’re alive. Everyone is glad that you are.” His voice hitches and he swallows down the sob that comes with the thought that they almost weren’t. The feeling that hasn’t left his chest since the moment he thought they weren’t.
He watches them blink this time, and then their head turns slowly. Regulus holds his breath, hoping and praying that they are making progress. That they will show any sign of emotion or acknowledgement. That they will feel the love that everyone has for them.
For a second, the shortest and longest moment all in one, he waits. He’s still falling. Free falling through the air, but this could be the hand that grasps him. That pulls him into safety. Time stops as he waits for them. He’s been waiting for a long time, for what he isn’t sure. Right now he’s waiting for them to come back to life. In the days since their attempt, they haven’t fully been revived yet. That’s the thing he’s only just realised. But now, they’re coming back.
“I’m not.”
With those two little words, Regulus feels his heart shatter.
It’s not like it’s a surprise, he just hoped that wasn’t the case. He had hope that after this they would be grateful that they lived. In the aftermath they could see that things are going to get better and that they were meant to live. Regulus has never been optimistic, and yet. It was foolish.
He feels like he’s losing them again. “Sirius…”
Sirius’ voice is hoarse and barely audible, but they don’t go silent again. “I’m sorry, I’m tired. I don’t want to be alive.”
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay.” Regulus suppresses the shakiness in his voice, he has to be okay right now. “I’ll get you through this.”
“This is just how it is. Why won’t you let me die?”
Another stab to his soul. Pushed off another cliff even though he was already falling. It just won’t stop. The room starts spinning and he knows he can’t do anything to stop it. Everything is going to crash down now and Sirius isn’t reaching out a hand. Not to help or to be saved. They sit there stoic and defeated, while Regulus can’t breathe.
“I’m not going to let you die. I can’t. I need you, I’ve always needed you.” His face feels wet and he can taste salt through his words.
They shake their head, but they don’t say anything else. Which is probably for the best, Regulus knows it would hurt. He’s been hoping they would break their silence, hoping that it would be good to get them talking again. That if they could just talk then Regulus could help things get better. That talking would jump start the healing process. But this isn’t that. This is worse and now he really has no idea what to do.
His head turns away from them, he can’t stop the tears and they don’t need or want to see them. It won’t do anyone any good. So he turns to face the other way, luckily toward the other window and not the rest of the cabin. His sobs are silent and he muffles his breathing or lack thereof. No one notices and Sirius carries on staring at the lake. He’s not giving up though.
It’s a few minutes later that two plates are placed on the table next to them. He doesn’t want Andy to see him crying this hard, so he doesn’t acknowledge it until she’s gone again. They pick at it first, which is a shock but he won’t mention it. Slowly he eats his own food, small bites, through his tears. For once, at least recently, Sirius finishes first and Regulus doesn’t finish at all.
“Happy? I ate.” They snap.
Regulus swipes his sleeve across his eyes and takes a breath. Needing to try harder or just differently. “Yes. I’ll get your meds for you.”
“They’re not going to do anything.”
“Take them anyway then.” He holds the bottle, but pulls back to dump one out and passes the pill to them.
“What? Are you scared I’ll down the whole bottle?” Sirius puts no emotion behind it, the words are empty.
They don’t talk again for a while. They do take their medicine and that has to be enough for now. He won’t push any more right now, he’s not sure he has it in him. After Sirius swallows the pill and takes a sip of water, he leaves. He gets up from the chair and lets them be. Tomorrow he can try again, try harder. Try something else. At least they have talked today, that's an improvement from yesterday. Even if the words felt like acid washing over him.
He’s caught by his arm as he walks through the cabin. His usual instinct is to shake whoever it is off. To pull away and continue on. A month ago he would have. Today he doesn't have the energy to stop it. So he finds himself face to face with Effie. Concern floods her face and he knows that he must look a mess. He hates that, but there’s nothing he can do.
“Regulus, what is it?”
“Sirius just said-”
“They’re talking?” Her eyes light up like it’s the best thing anyone has said in a week, it might be.
“Yeah, I don’t think they want company right now though. Can you keep an eye on them?” He’s defeated. He doesn’t finish his first sentence.
“Of course. Let me know if you need anything sweetheart.” Without warning she pulls him into a hug and he melts into it, needing it more than he realised.
Regulus has known that she’s a great mum and a comforting presence. He’s not used to that sort of thing and he hardly actually knows Effie. She’s been there for Sirius for so long, including when he couldn’t be. This is newer to him, she’s holding him the way she holds Sirius or even James. Like she’s holding him up and giving him the strength to continue. It’s helpful and he lets it last until he can take a steady breath.
She doesn’t pull away, she lets him soak it in. Though he takes a step back on his own and looks up at her for something. He doesn’t know what, he just needs something. Help. Guidance. That’s what Effie can give him. What she can’t, what he really needs, is for Sirius to be okay. She does what she can in that department, but there is no magic fix to this.
“Do you know where James is?” He looks around but doesn’t see them.
“I saw him go into your room a bit ago. Check there.” Effie pauses and looks behind her. “Or if not there, then they’re off somewhere with Monty.”
He nods and walks off. The exhaustion is catching up to him and the fatal blows by Sirius aren’t helping. He’s tired and he is at a loss with everything. Regulus just needs a break. Nothing he is doing is working but they still don’t want to be here, so for them he has to keep trying and keep pushing and doing anything and everything he can. Lily told him to sleep but after this, he really can’t. Someone has to be up to make sure they stay alive.
“James?” He calls, though the room isn’t big enough to need to.
They aren’t there. Very inconvenient for him because he wants to, and at his core needs to, crawl into bed. Not to sleep, but just to… He doesn’t even know. He just wants James. They make things better. They make it easier to exist right now. They have their own connection to Sirius and even if he doesn’t understand, it’s a comfort to him that someone else cares just as deeply as he does.
It takes a long time to find them. There are too many places they could be, but in the end Effie is right. They are with Monty. In the treehouse of all places. He should have checked here sooner, but it wasn’t at the front of his mind. They like the treehouse and it’s a nice hidden place, but there are many others. He checked both the front and back porches, the other cabin, the dock, the roof, and looked to see if the cars were still in the drive. Obviously coming up empty at all of them.
When he went over to the other cabin, they all tried to talk to him. They used to ignore him. This time he went through back in his usual ways, tuning everyone out. James wasn’t there so he regrets having gone there at all. He hates how they seemed to be okay and were watching a movie enjoying their night. It’s not fair.
“I have been looking for you for so long.” He huffs, climbing up the ladder.
“Oh, we’ve been here.”
“I can head back in, give you some space.” Monty nods, pats Regulus on the back and leaves the treehouse, though the two of them are going to go in soon too.
“What is it?” They ask, the corners of their eyes drooping.
At first he shakes his head, it’s hard to talk about, but then he tries anyway because this is James. He should be able to talk to them. “Sirius was talking. I- I don’t know what to do anymore. They aren’t trying…”
“It’s only been a week, it’s going to take time. I don’t like it either. I don't know what to do.” James pulls him to sit in front of them between their legs, naturally he leans back into them. “I’m pretty sure there’s some blankets in here somewhere. We could-”
“Really?”
“I just meant we can get comfortable! Get some space from everyone. What did you think I meant?” They tease.
“Exactly that, my mind is not in the gutter you idiot. Just why would we curl up in here when you know we have a comfortable bed inside.”
“Because it’s fun! How often are you going to be able to lay in a treehouse?”
They have a point, but Regulus is having a hard time thinking about doing anything fun currently. Not when Sirius is how they are. Not when his entire world feels like it’s falling apart. But James is very convincing, and maybe he does need a break. Sitting here with them he can breathe and doesn’t feel like he’s seconds away from crying. So they pile some blankets together to make a bed and keep one to throw over top of them, and Regulus folds nicely right into their arms.
“Do you want to talk about it or do you want a distraction?” They wisely ask.
“Just this right now. Maybe we can talk in a bit. I- I can finally breathe, I don't want to ruin that.”
“We can do that.”
To their defence, they do intend to just breathe. James just seems to have forgotten that breathing requires not being held so tightly that his lungs are squeezed. It lightens the air around them though. A bit later, James also forgets that breathing becomes harder when their lips are pressed to his. Regulus doesn’t protest though, he’s happy to be close to them. He’s happy to not be thinking about anything at all. To let his mind go quiet just for a little.
They go back to just holding each other as the sun sets and the sky outside the treehouse turns dark. Regulus knows that it will be too dark to get down from here without some light and he also knows that he didn’t bring his phone to use as a torch. Looking around, James didn’t either. It could be fine, he’s not scared of doing it, but it’s probably not safe. They don’t know the path well enough.
“You don’t have your phone do you?” He tilts his head up to look at them.
“No, why?”
“To give us light to get back inside.”
“Oh, well we could just stay out here.”
“Why would we do that?”
“I’m pretty comfortable right here. Could sleep like a baby like this.” James muses.
He sighs. “You could do that because you haven’t been sleeping at all. You’re beyond exhausted. “
“You haven’t slept either.” They shoot back and he winces.
Regulus falters, he knows he hasn’t slept but he’s been trying to hide it. He’s functioning well enough during the day and just laying down in bed at night is enough rest for him. Actual sleep is hardly necessary. James needs it, they aren’t faring as well as him, it’s more noticeable. He can’t argue though, he doesn’t want to and he doesn’t have the energy to. It’s not worth a fight.
“Didn’t think you noticed. It’s fine, I don’t really need to sleep.” He brushes it off.
“You do need to. I understand though. I can’t either. I need to stay awake just in case I’m needed.” James says nonchalantly, though the words carry a weight that he can see right through.
“So we’re staying here for now.” He confirms. “I- can I talk about it now?”
“Whatever you need.”
So he tells James all that Sirius said. It isn’t much, though it takes a while to say. Every word hurts him as it comes up his throat and leaves his mouth. It’s razor wire closing in around his neck. Words clawing their way out, leaving behind a mess of blood and ruin behind. He can feel himself bleeding out as he tells James that they aren’t glad to be alive, that they want him to let them die, even just describing the lack of emotion or anything coming from them.
Sirius is a fireball of energy on good days. As a kid she was running around and doing more things than there were time for in the day. She was happy and smiling at everything. Most of all they were soft. She comforted Regulus when he had bad days, she protected him when their parents weren’t good to them. She had fun. He’s not sure when that changed.
It didn’t, is the thing. Even this summer, they were still full of energy some days. They were the life of the party and they planned this entire summer around doing fun activities at the lake. That’s the same Sirius that he knew as a kid.
On the bad days, Sirius has always hidden their emotions. The opposite of wearing their heart on their sleeve. But that was only some days. The occasional bad day where he seemed to be made of stone. Sometimes letting someone in, in small doses, and not always the same person. For a while it was Regulus, then they left and it was James or Remus. He doesn’t know who it is now, or if it’s anyone at all. That’s the problem.
“I thought they were just having a few bad days. I didn’t know it was this bad.” He whispers at the end of it.
“If they had said something we could have helped. We still can, they’re still here. We will help them.” James squeezes him in closer.
“The first time wasn’t like this. It was easier to bring them back.”
The words leave his mouth, not a struggle like the rest have been, but quick and without a single thought passing. He shouldn’t have said it. He didn’t mean to. Regulus hates talking about that first time. It’s different than this time, he knows that. No one was there to stop them this time. He was there to stop it the first time, so this part wasn’t the same. This time they did die for a minute, or more. They had to come back to life when they woke up.
There was no going quiet, there was no coping with the fact that they were still alive. Regulus held onto them that night but now he doesn’t feel like he can get a grip on them again. They are slipping away and letting themself.
He’s stronger now than he was, so why is it harder to pull them back?
“The first time?” Their eyes plead as they grow glassy.
Regulus pulls away, shaking. “I didn’t- I didn’t mean to say that. Fuck.”
“Wh- What did you mean by that? What first time?”
That answers the question of whether Sirius told anyone. And also explains that he probably didn’t start taking any meds or anything like he should have. Something tells him that there was still a chance they saw a therapist. Effie must have known what kind of home they came from and would have done what she could to help them. That’s the most comfort he can find in this and even that is a hypothetical.
“They- this shouldn’t come from me. It’s not mine to tell. I just-” He swallows. “I stopped them before they could actually… But they were going to. And then a few weeks later they ran away to you.”
“Oh, I had no idea. They never said anything.” He’s shocked and hurt, but taking this better than most would. Or he’s trying to be strong for Regulus.
Funny, that. They’re both trying for each other and for Sirius. Not for themselves. It’s easier when it’s for someone else. Someone that you care about. In the case of each other, it’s not love, not yet at least, but there is still enough care there to try to be strong and brave for each other. It’s what Sirius needs. They need to try for someone else, if they don’t see a point in doing it, living, for themself.
Regulus just isn’t enough for Sirius, so he doesn’t know how to get them to live.
After a long silence, James sighs. “So this isn’t new. It’s been like this for a long time?”
“Very.”
“I wish they would have said something. Told someone how much they were hurting. I would do anything for them.” They beg and barter with the sky.
They are hardly talking to each other now, just talking in general. Something has formed a wall between him and James right now. He can’t figure out what it is or how to cross it. He wants James to have the answers and they hate that Regulus doesn’t. It’s a standstill and it makes him feel sick. Regulus feels awful for being the only one to know this was ever a possibility. That they have been in pain and never got a grip on life again.
“They never ask for help.”
James easily responds, “We have to help them anyway.”
“Sirius is just going to keep pushing everyone away. Until there is no one left to help them.”
“I’m not going anywhere. Are you?”
“Never.” Regulus breathes out.
He can feel his walls going up in his mind. Trying to protect him from getting hurt. Except the one person who will always have access to him, no matter how fortified the walls are, is Sirius. They can hurt him over and over again and it will change nothing. That’s his sibling and they are a part of him. It’s as simple as that. There is nothing that can change that. So even if his walls rebuild what has been knocked down this summer, it hardly matters.
All it will do is protect him from everyone else. Not that he needs protection from them, especially not from James. He trusts James. He knows that James wants the best for Sirius too, so really it’s stupid to let the walls go back up. It’s the only way he can keep himself functioning though. Sirius can hurt him as much as they want to, but if his walls are up no one will see that he’s hurt. That’s the real reason he lets them go up. To avoid being vulnerable.
He tries to keep them down with James now too, he doesn’t want to push them away in this. Regulus needs him now too if they want to make it through this. This is a team effort bringing Sirius back and there can’t be any cracks.
Even still, neither of them sleep like they say they should. They can’t.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REMUS
The second that Effie tells him Sirius is talking, he runs. He can’t help it. He had been giving them space knowing that he gets to be with them at night. The other cabin has been very full the past few days. Peter seems to be a bit afraid to go over even to get to his room, which he has only slept in one night since they came back from the hospital. He’s scared of Regulus, even if he won’t admit it. Remus however, is not and would fight him if needed. He doesn’t because it would upset Sirius, but he would.
He’s been excited, in a way, and also scared of this moment though. Not sure what Sirius will say to him. If anything, because even though he talked to Effie or Regulus it doesn’t mean he will talk to him. It’s still progress and that's all that matters. Little steps to getting better. He will be here for every step of the way.
Maybe that’s foolish of him, but who is Remus if not a fool for Sirius.
He slows just before the door to the cabin, Effie is right there waiting for him. “They aren’t saying much, and…” She sniffles and now he can see the wetness coating her eyelashes. “They’re not in a good mood.”
“I figured as much.” He reaches a hand out to squeeze hers, knowing that she probably needs it and has spent all of her energy comforting others, not letting herself even crack. “Go rest, I’ve got them now.”
Everything has been a group effort lately. Just existing is hard for all of them, it’s much heavier now. They all have to grieve what they almost lost and help out with Sirius and just figure out how to take care of themselves and each other. None of it is easy. How could it be? The problem there is that they can’t show that they are also struggling too much to Sirius, they can’t help each other in front of them. It’s a delicate balance to make sure they don’t feel ignored and pushed to the side.
Not that they typically are. Not with Remus at least. He adores them and is thinking of them always. First thought, last thought, most of the thoughts in between. He could never brush them off. It hurts him to think that he must have in order to have missed that this was coming. There had to have been signs and he didn’t see them. So now he’s paying attention, for the rest of time he will be paying attention to them.
“Sirius? Hey love. Can I sit with you?” He’s going to anyway, but figured they haven’t been actually asked much lately, just directed.
“Whatever you want. I don’t care.”
“Mmm I don’t think that’s true.”
They don’t look at him, they’re looking out at the lake but it’s barely light enough to see it anymore. “It is. Nothing matters.”
“I want to talk to you.”
“No one is stopping you.”
They have been like this before. Remus is far from a stranger to the apathy that they sometimes have. If he were to dig into it, he would acknowledge that it’s a defence mechanism, that they’re stopping all boulders that threaten to even come within sight of the cliff let alone close enough to roll off the side. It really just means that there is something bigger. This time he knows what it is and he hates it.
There’s a lot he could say right now. The first that comes to mind is that he loves them. Though that’s not out of the ordinary. They aren’t officially anything, but that doesn’t matter to him. It doesn’t matter at all right now. He files that away as a later problem. Though connected to that is how they said those three words just hours before laying down to die. That’s not the first conversation they should have, and definitely not when they are like this.
He goes a safer route instead. “Some of us sat down on the dock today. We missed having you there. Will you come with me tomorrow?”
“Oh so I’m allowed out of the cabin now?” They snark.
“You’re not being held here.”
“Could have fooled me.”
It was a feeble attempt, but he’s determined to figure something out. Something has to get through to them, something has to break them. Not broken beyond repair, not really broken at all. They’re already there. Something just has to crack the protective shield they have up. They just need to listen. There has never been a question among any of their friends whether they love Sirius or not. They just need to see that.
Silence is a bit better for now. Just being together. It somehow clears his head. Seeing them and talking to them is something he knows and for a week barely doing either has honestly clouded everything. Just proof that they are alive helps. He knows that they are being awful on purpose, or they just aren’t putting any effort into being nicer. But making Effie cry is a new low.
“What did you say to Effie before?” He ventures, though dangerous.
For this, Sirius turns to look him in the eye. “That I still want to die.”
“Is that all?”
“In so many words, yes. Why?”
Remus shakes his head. “You think we didn’t already figure that out? We know. We know and we want to help you not feel like that. So let us. If you love even just one of us, let us fucking help you.”
“What’s the point?”
“The point is…” He hesitates, but doesn’t let himself overthink it for once. “The point is that I’m in love with you and don’t want you to die. The point is that you have a brother who loves you and friends that would do anything for you. So many people that want you to live, so it doesn’t matter that you don’t want to. You’re going to if you care about any of us.”
Their face has a flicker of recognition in it, they’re thinking. Whatever they say isn’t going to be impulsive, it’s being concocted. Sirius is doing everything possible to push him and everyone away, they’re trying to get everyone to let them die. No one will, he’s not actually worried about that. He is worried about them though, he always will be.
“I’m tired.”
That’s it. That’s all they say. They get up and walk off to their bedroom without another word or look. There is quite a bit more they have to say, he sees it. Through twitches of their lips, glints in their eyes, the pattern of their breathing. Every little thing about them has been studied by Remus. He knows them better than he knows himself.
Except for this piece of them that has consumed all other parts. It encased their being within its walls. He will have to chip away at it until he can recognize Sirius again. Though this has been there for a long time, he already knows it if not directly. He shouldn’t have that much trouble with it. After all it’s part of Sirius and he knows Sirius. He loves Sirius.
When he goes to bed later, after giving them the space they want, he finds them asleep. Against any better judgement or thought at all, he checks their pulse as he crawls into bed. They either don’t notice or they don’t care to say anything. They will probably save this to throw in his face another day when they are particularly worked up. Fair enough, it wouldn’t stop him from making sure they are breathing anyway.
He fights against pulling them into his chest. Fight himself to not give them comfort.
Remus hardly sleeps. He tries to but he’s tossing and turning all night. Every time he wakes up he looks over to check on Sirius, who is much more still than usual, but still breathing. Why he can’t sleep is really a mystery to him. He has been sleeping most nights better than this. But he keeps hearing their voice in his dreams and it’s awful.
The nights when they were still in the hospital, that’s when he really couldn’t. There was no respite from it either. He would wake up, not in this bed, without them next to him, and he would panic. He couldn’t sleep here without them, not after he found them not breathing in the spot where they currently lay.
But now they are here so it’s fine.
They’re not going anywhere.
The last time he woke up in the middle of the night it was about five in the morning. He went back to sleep after checking that the sun was not yet out. That’s how he’s decided to do this. If it’s still dark out he can try sleeping some more, but he’ll give up when it’s light out.
Remus is warm, almost hot, when he wakes up this time. The sun starting to shine through the window. The duvet bunched up, though still covering him. The fan isn’t on. It’s definitely time to get up. There are hands on him. And legs tangled with his. Soft lips trailing up his neck and jaw.
Hands on him?
Legs tangled?
Soft lips?
His eyes jolt open and there Sirius is, more physical than they have been with him since getting to the lake. It doesn’t make sense. In all honesty, it takes him a bit to register that he should be pushing them off rather than enjoying this. He wants this, he wants them, but not like this. Not when they are very far from okay.
“S-Sirius… Come on, off…” He fusses.
“Mmm uh-uh. C’mon baby.” They nip at his jaw right in the spot that drives him crazy.
He wriggles away from them against his own will. “Stop, you- Not like this.”
Sirius pulls away now. They sit up cross legged looking away from him. Clearly upset and he hates that. The thing is it’s not very hard to make them like this, ticked off, a little bit upset. But with how everything is lately it’s more than that. It’s been over a month since they’ve slept together and they’ve kissed less than a handful of times since then. This isn’t-
He doesn’t know what this is.
“So what, you don’t want me anymore? I thought you loved me.” They refuse to meet his eye, opting to look past him instead.
“I do love you.”
“What is it then? I’m too broken for you now? You should know I’ve always been this way.” They argue.
“No, that’s- I love you no matter what. That’s not what this is. You just- you don’t want this right now. You are barely doing anything and we haven’t even… I want to help you get better is all.”
Remus is ready to throw his hands up in defeat right now. Not in terms of helping them, he’s determined to support them as much as he can for as long as they need. Even if that is forever. He was just already at a loss with them and what they want between them. This is only complicating that. He just also still wants them and he’s just crazy enough and just selfish enough to let them do whatever they want.
“I want this. I’m not going to get better so will you just let me fucking have this?” They groan.
“Sirius…”
“So you’re not going to kiss me?” They glare.
“I-”
They don’t let him answer. “Because if not I’ll just fuck right off and leave you be. You don’t have to worry about me. You can be relieved of your responsibilities to watch after me.”
He weighs the options and really there is no contest. Slowly he reaches a hand across the chasm between them and pulls them in close again. Better to have them close than risk losing them. Though he can make sure that this isn’t the only thing they are doing. Maybe it’s going to wreck him in the end, but he’s weak. Before crashing their lips together, which is all he can think about, he holds them at the furthest distance he can stand.
Carding his fingers through their hair and settling on the nape of their neck he says, calmly and cooly, “Whatever you want, but you have to try. I know you don’t want to live, but I want you to. Put in some effort and you can have me at your disposal, however you want.”
“Remus, I-”
“Promise me you’ll try. That’s all I ask.”
Sirius exhales for a long moment, visibly thinking. “Okay, I promise. No promises that I’ll get better, though.”
“That’s okay, I love you as you are.” He assures, barely getting the words out before their lips are on his.
They push him back against the bed, climbing on top of him, straddling him with legs on either side. Both of them sleep in not that many clothes, Remus in only boxers and Sirius in essentially just a big shirt that originally belonged to him. This makes this much easier, less steps.
As they pull apart, Sirius slides down to kiss up his torso, pausing and paying extra attention to his neck. He can’t help as his hands tangle in their hair keeping them in his grasp, pulling them closer. They bite at his jaw and sloppily bring their lips together again.
Remus removes one hand from their hair to slide down their back to grab their ass and hikes them up his hips just slightly. Resitatuating them to have a more comfortable position. Their hands wander all over him too. Starting from holding themself up over him to pulling at his messy hair to one resting and grasping slightly at his neck.
They don’t take it any farther than this, but God has he missed this. It’s intoxicating. Sirius always is. There is just something about them, or maybe it’s the two of them together. Either way he can’t get enough and is biting at their lip before dragging his teeth down their neck and landing at her collar bones.
“Fuck I’ve missed you.” He whispers against them.
“I”m right here.” They grind down on him ever so slightly, pulling a moan from his throat.
“We shouldn’t right now.” The wise part of him pulls back.
They really shouldn’t, he knows that and they probably do too. It wouldn’t do either of them any good. Sirius has only been back from the hospital for a few days. Alive for just about a week. This is… not the best idea to be doing anything. But it’s the first thing Sirius has shown any interest in at all. The first positive sentiment. So he lets it happen. They can do anything they want, as long as they are alive.
“Later then.” They swing one leg over and climb off the bed.
He takes a second before following them to the bathroom. Sirius has tied their hair back to brush their teeth and wash their face. Remus watches, though only because he’s waiting to do the same. A few minutes later and they are both changing into different clothes for the day. This is a step in the right direction for Sirius since they had worn the same thing since getting back for days on end. He doesn’t make a comment on it.
“Breakfast?” He hesitantly offers.
“Do we have anything?” An unexpected response, but he’ll take it.
“I’m sure we do, or we can go into town if you prefer.”
“Whatever is fine.” Their despondence returns, as he suspected.
But they have to keep trying, it’s part of their deal. So he knows no matter what happens, they will eat this morning and take their meds. They will keep talking today and that’s enough. He goes out to the kitchen and there are the usual suspects waiting there. Effie, Monty, Andromeda, James. No Regulus though, he’s not sure where he is but hopefully sleeping. They all look to him expectantly.
Instead of making a big deal about anything, or really saying anything at all, he finds some bread and makes toast for both of them. All of the eyes continue following him. Well, until Sirius walks out of the room looking more alive than yesterday. With more colour in their cheeks, though no one needs to know what brought that on.
They sit at the counter instead of in the chair in the corner. Remus slides the plate to him and he eats with no fuss. Clearly catching on, Andromeda puts both a glass of water and a mug of tea in front of him. Specifically tea and not coffee, though they all know he would prefer coffee. It’s little steps for now.
“No coffee right now.” She adds when they look in the mug.
Once their plate is clear, they look back up without fuss. “Meds?”
Not once since starting on them have they been proactive. James nearly gasps, but gets a firm nudge from his mum as she goes to grab the pill bottle. “Here sweetheart. Need anything else?”
“Mmm no.” Sirius contemplates for a moment, but pushes away from the counter and walks toward the back door.
Everyone is confused. It’s not a total one-eighty from yesterday, but it may as well be. He’s up and talking and eating and not fighting medication. It’s well honestly it’s great. He’s thrilled, and mostly relieved that they are trying at all. Andromeda motions to them all that she’ll follow her. She’s leaving soon anyway, so it’ll be good for her to get some time with her first.
“What happened?” James jumps at the opportunity to ask.
“Nothing, well er- I got them to agree to try. So a step in the right direction.” He admits.
There’s a collective sigh of relief. “Can you go get Regulus dear? I think he’d like to see them again now that they’re feeling a bit more up to talking.”
He nods and agrees with Effie, turning to go toward their room. There’s a new air around them all. It’s easier to breathe, they all seem to feel less like everything is going to fall apart again any second. Remus however is not naive, he knows that it could all still revert at any time. Healing isn’t linear and this isn’t some new feeling for Sirius.
A few minutes later Regulus emerges with wet hair that James is playfully ruffling. They walk back over together and a plate of food is passed to him now that he’s up. As he eats they talk about what today will be. If Sirius is up and moving, they should probably all try to do something or at least some of them. They shouldn’t just sit around waiting anymore.
“Let’s just go down to the lake. We shouldn’t push too much.” Regulus insists.
“But-”
“No. Remus, listen. I know them and I- I know what is best for them. Don’t push it won’t go well.” He cuts him off and it’s not worth arguing, not when he looks like shit and his eyes are lined with heavy bags.
That’s what they do. Around lunchtime Andromeda heads out. The two siblings, well Regulus speaking for both of them, promise to visit her when they get back in town. And to call if they need anything. She waves to everyone else as she pulls away.
Despite it being Regulus’ idea to sit out at the dock, he doesn’t bring it up. Oddly enough, he hasn’t said much at all to Sirius today. Skirting around them and avoiding direct conversation. It’s strange, especially now. James stays right by his side more than usual, or maybe it’s the other way around today.
He doesn’t ask. It’s not his place to. Instead he sticks close by Sirius all day and they don’t mind at all. They don’t trace their hands over him like they did this morning, but they stay with him. They don’t go off on their own, they don’t stay quiet the whole day.
Even when the rest of their friends join them, they try. Not talking that much, but still making the occasional comment. It’s best when the conversation isn’t about them, so any time it gets close he diverts it. He notices how they tensed the first time they came up and he didn’t want it to happen again. This keeps them trying instead of retreating.
It’s a battle, but at least he’s fighting with Sirius and not against them.