Part II
REMUS
He’s spent the past two days, three counting the first one as well, at the hospital. Not always in the room with Sirius. But he’s been there. He told himself that he would be there the whole time, and he was. He didn’t leave, he couldn’t. It was still hard. All of this has felt impossible, and yet he stays and they get through it.
There’s a sick feeling in his stomach that won’t leave. It won’t even lessen. Bubbling up every so often, reminding him it’s still there. Reminding him that this feeling will stay with him for a while. All day he walks around thinking he is going to throw up at any moment. Awful is what it is. No one else understands. Okay maybe that’s not necessarily true and he knows that saying it isn’t fair, but it feels that way.
Whenever he walks into the room and sees Sirius, he nearly keels over. A punch to the gut. They hardly look up to meet his eyes. The first time they did, he broke into a sob. They looked so fragile and broken. He fucking hates seeing them like that. Wants to pick up all of the pieces of them and build them again from the ground up. Stronger this time, though just as beautiful. Keeping their eyes, their life, free from pain.
They’re coming back to the cabin today. No one has said when, but Regulus said he would text when they were on the way. This morning he cleaned their entire cabin. For no real reason, it’s not as if Sirius cares. Effie, Monty, and Andromeda have already stopped by and didn’t mind the mess either. But it made him feel useful. Like he was doing something to help.
Mostly he cleaned their room, making sure to put away the things Sirius left out, though in places they won’t see them. Better that way. When he first walked in, he almost opened the notebook. It’s not hard to guess what would be in there. Remus isn’t stupid, but he is also curious. Would that have answers that Sirius won’t be giving them now? No, it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t throw it away, but he buries it as best he can. It’s not necessary, no one needs to read it. Sirius is still here and anything written in there won’t make anyone feel better.
The second day was much like the first, though everyone else stayed back at the cabin. Waiting until someone gave them the okay that they could come visit Sirius. Even then it was one or two at a time. A few went that day and a few went yesterday. James and Remus have been at the hospital most of the time. Regulus hasn’t moved.
It took quite a bit of arguing to get Sirius released to come back with them. Andromeda is staying a few more days at least for now, and the Potters are here indefinitely. That will be nice. It will be good for them. Until yesterday they were still talking about sending Sirius off to some facility. It would be back in London, or a bit outside of the city, so they would have to go all the way back if anyone were to visit. Which none of them would have a problem with, summer at the lake would just end early.
Luckily, if you consider Sirius coming back to the lake lucky, they had Regulus fighting for them. It wouldn’t have been good for them to be so isolated from everyone. Sirius would fucking hate an inpatient psych hospital. Everyone knows that. They do have a therapist, or have in the past, and even that is huge for them. So they have to start doing that again if they stopped, more so now, and going on a new medication. That got them sign off from everyone to stay at the lake.
Though Effie made everyone promise that if anything seems off that they call her. No one has any complaints about that. The only problem is knowing when to and being able to read Sirius enough. They are apparently fucking great at hiding anything going on with them. Better than anyone could have expected. No one knew, all this time, however long this had been building for. No one was able to do enough to stop this boulder from rolling, they didn’t know there was a boulder until it was too late.
“Hello?” He answers his phone after two rings. Should have only been one.
“We’re on the way. Can you… I don’t know, tell everyone not to act like fucking idiots?” Regulus demands.
“‘Course. Anything.”
It’s not long before the sound of the car comes into the drive. He doesn’t tell anyone that they’re coming up just yet. That would make them all rush to the door or to the car. It’s easier, better if it’s just him. At least he hopes. They haven’t gotten mad or upset at Remus, though they haven’t said anything at all. To anyone. So there’s not much to go off of at the moment.
He comes up around the side of the car, it’s Monty driving with James in the front seat and the Black siblings in the back. He assumes Effie and Andromeda aren’t far behind. That’s not surprising to him. What is, is that when he opens the door to try and be helpful, Sirius is strapped in with a seatbelt. Not by their choice he assumes, but it’s good nonetheless. It’s not all that surprising actually, just different. Noticeable.
“Everyone else?” Regulus asks almost threateningly.
“At the other cabin. Didn’t mention anything. Figured we could let them know once Sirius is settled and up to it.”
Slowly James gets out of the car and comes around to them. He settles right into Regulus’ side, looking like all of his energy and life has drained out of him. In a way it has. Regulus takes him in with ease, they meld together. It’s been a few days since he has done anything without being glued to Sirius. It will continue that way it seems, but now that Sirius is up and out of that hospital bed maybe there will be some change. Sirius can lean on Remus now instead.
“James… Jamie come on I need to help Sirius out.” He tries to nudge him off or squirm away, but it doesn’t work too well.
“I’ve got them.” Remus steps in.
“No!” Regulus snaps rather aggressively.
Maybe he won’t be holding them up after all.
Everyone backs off now. There’s something behind his eyes. Sadness maybe, terror more likely. A mix of both. Whatever it is, whatever he isn’t saying to them, they let him do what he needs to. It won’t be sustainable. No one has actually seen him properly sleep in days. Just short naps when Sirius is also asleep. He’s going to crash soon if he doesn’t slow down and take care of himself.
“Reg, it’s okay. It’s Remus. He can help.”
“I said no!” He doubles down, yanking his arm away from James. He’s shaking.
“Okay. I’ll let you.” Remus steps aside.
He doesn’t get it. Regulus called him to tell him they were arriving, he wants him out here, he wants the help. Except he also doesn’t. It’s definitely better that he didn’t get anyone else yet, better to give it a little bit of time. Let things settle. Maybe get Regulus to fucking relax for just a minute. He’s not even letting James do anything. Which is… really weird.
It hurts James, he can tell. It hurts Remus too, but he can take it. If Regulus needs to take whatever it is out on someone, let it be him. Definitely not James. They’re hurting enough as it is, they don’t need their… not quite boyfriend but close enough yelling at them too. Remus will take whatever punches he needs to throw because he’s not going anywhere. He’ll take it all for Sirius.
It seems as though Monty is granted permission to help. When he comes over and puts a hand out to help guide Sirius inside, there’s no snapping. Regulus stands on one side of his sibling with Monty on the other. Sirius is pretty weak at the moment and still out of it. So they walk them inside and to the living room. Remus trails not far behind, with James in tow as well.
They are stuck to someone at all times, afraid to be alone maybe. They’ve been with their parents for most of the last few days. The Potters haven’t said how long they are staying up here, but no one is rushing them out. If things were different and they just crashed their summer, maybe they would. But this? No it’s good for them to be here. Everyone needs them here. Effie and Monty are like second parents to most of them.
Not long after they get Sirius sitting on the couch, Effie and Andromeda walk through the door. “This is an adorable cabin. Really very nice.”
“Sirius found it.” He adds as she walks by, earning him an empathetic smile. “Oh, Effie wait-”
“What is it darling?”
“Mine and er- Sirius’ room is right through there. You can put their things down there. Like meds and anything else.” Remus nervously suggests. It feels weird to say any of it, this isn’t something he expected to talk about.
A selfish part of him wants to pull Sirius back into their room and hold them. Hold them until they fall asleep or hold them forever. Whatever they want. He could sit with them for hours, not even just hours but forever and be content. All Remus cares about is that they are okay, or going to be okay. He wants to run his fingers through their hair and tell them he loves them. Over and over.
There were so many times he should have said it. Much sooner than a few nights ago on the lake. Probably before this summer too. Definitely, actually. He just never did. Was that a mistake? It has to be. It is. But in a weirdly comforting way, he doesn’t think it would have changed anything. No matter when he said it, things still would have gone this way, right?
James is in the kitchen seeing what there is. There honestly isn’t much, no one has gone to the store in days. Someone should. He still manages to find something. Crisps, it looks like. He brings them over to the couch, probably for Sirius. They aren’t going to eat any. Remus knows them well enough, they won’t.
Except he watches as he sits not next to Sirius but next to Regulus. Who also rejects the crisps. He barely even looks at James really he doesn’t at all. The air in the room is thick and feels off. Nothing is right. Sirius is silent and unmoving, Regulus is fidgeting and mumbling under his breath, James is quiet. There’s no easy place for Remus to slot in and he doesn’t want to push too much. So he hovers.
It’s not the best idea, but he eventually goes to sit next to Sirius. If Regulus tries to bite his head off, then that’s something he will deal with. Maybe that would make someone do something about the way he’s acting. It’s not healthy. The spot to their right is empty, so he slots right in. Not too close, but enough that they can reach each other. Touch each other by just extending a hand.
After sitting there unbothered for a bit, he presses his luck. One of Sirius’ hands is resting on the sofa next to them, in between them and Remus. He places his hand partially over theirs. No reaction. Nothing gets a reaction from them anymore. They haven’t moved their eyes in what feels like hours. If he couldn’t see that the rise and fall of their chest, he might be questioning if they are even breathing.
Now though, they turn their head. Not all the way to look at him, but enough that it’s a movement. It’s real. It’s acknowledgement that someone else is here. That’s all he wants right now. He’ll stay right here like this for as long as they want. Really everything is up to them now. Whatever they want, anything truly.
Remus has known Sirius for years. Not as long as James or some of their other friends. Certainly not as long as Regulus. Though he knows them in a much deeper and more intimate way. He knows their scars and the curves of their body. He knows their soul. Most people would say that from just sex you don’t get that, you don’t get to know someone that deeply. But those people would be wrong. They haven’t met Sirius and Remus. The world stops when they are together. Nothing can hurt them when they are together, except perhaps themselves. It’s good and it’s comforting and it’s all anyone could ever ask for.
Remus knows Sirius. He knows their quirks and their faults and every little thing about them. If he could study them in school, he would ace every class. At least he would have if you asked him a few days ago. Now he’s not so sure. What parts of Sirius does he not know as well? What signs did he miss that he should have seen if he knows them? They aren’t questions he expects to get any answers to.
It’s James who after talking to his mum, breaks the silence that had fallen around all of them. “I could go get the others. If you would be up for it Sirius. They all want to see you.”
Sirius doesn’t so much as blink.
“Go on honey. Just tell them to not make a fuss, alright? I don’t think they want everyone in their face.” Effie urges him, so he runs off.
Sitting here might be good, their friends might help. It’s good, right? And the thing is, he really has no idea what the best thing to do is. He just wants to do the right thing for Sirius, he wants them to be okay. Do they want to be alone? Do they want to be held? Do they want everyone here and talking to them? Do they want everyone to go on as normal? There’s one thing he knows they want, they can’t have it though. He won’t let them have that.
Anything but that.
With them not talking, he doesn’t have much to go off of. Sirius will tell him if he crosses a line, right? He hopes they will. At least he knows their faces and body language better than anything else. He will just have to go off of that even if they hide things behind a mask. He slides closer so now their bodies are touching and now just their hands. That seems to be okay. They don’t lean into him like they usually would, but they don’t shy away. They don’t move at all, which is a separate thing to consider, but he’ll take a win where he can.
“Sirius?” He tries.
They don’t look at him.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He says anyway. “I’m yours forever, whenever you’re ready.”
Still nothing.
“I love you.” Remus whispers even quieter, no one else needs to hear.
He knew that they wouldn’t say it back right now. He’s not naive. But he’s saying it because it’s true. What happened doesn’t change that. Nothing could. They have been intertwined far longer than a few days. Remus has loved them for longer than even he knows. So saying it now is just like breathing for him. After the first time, it’s simple. He’ll say it over and over again, but he won’t over do it. Not that he could with them. He just doesn’t need everyone else around when he does.
Sirius doesn’t turn to look at him, they don’t say anything in return. They don’t have to. Remus knows they heard him. Their breath gets caught in their throat. He knows the way that looks on them, the way they swallow it down to regulate their breathing again. It’s the closest to a reaction or a response as anyone has gotten from them in days. Even more tan that, Sirius brings their hand to find the nearest point of connection, brings there hand to rest there on his, taps slowly three times.
I love you. It’s the closest he can get.
It should be fine. They’re not upset or anything. If they were it would be known. Even still Regulus is glaring the moment he looks over. Well, when Remus looks up his gaze is already trained on them. He could have been watching the whole time or just started to notice a second ago. But he looks absolutely furious. He shouldn’t be. Nothing is wrong. Sirius seems relatively okay right now. Everything is relative at the moment, so that’s a good thing.
“Give them some space.” He growls.
“I’m comfortable where I am. Maybe you should see if your cousin needs help putting the food away or pulling out something for us to have for lunch.”
“It’s dinner time almost.”
“Oh, well then dinner. My point stands.” He’s not sure why he argues, but it feels like the right thing to do.
He huffs and walks right past them around the couch. From here Remus can hear him muttering, but it’s nothing important. He’s just being dramatic. Sirius however is actually blinking now. It’s not that they weren’t before, but they seem to be coming back to themself a little bit. Less hazy than before he thinks.
It’s hard to tell what is going on in their head. It could really be anything. That’s always fascinated him. How you never know what another person is thinking or how their brain works. It just happens. No one is exactly the same. Remus knows how he thinks and what he would be doing or what he thinks they are thinking, but it’s all speculation. Just like how he has no idea why Regulus is suddenly back to being his annoying and stuck up self, but this time with an attitude and control problem.
He has no idea why Sirius won’t talk now. Maybe they can’t. The words are lost. When they were gone, just momentarily, they shoved all of their words away and they haven’t found them yet. Or it’s too overwhelming. They weren’t prepared to come back. It’s awful and sad to think about but it’s true. This is not at all what they wanted, so anything happening isn’t quite right.
There’s a crash behind him in the kitchen, there have been too many of those lately. Too much has come crashing down. Remus goes to look, trying not to move too much that it jostles Sirius. They don’t move at all, they don’t acknowledge the noise at all. Monty, who has been sitting in one of the comfortable chairs, pops right up to go help.
“Shit- fuck, sorry. Sorry I didn’t-” He scrambles with a metal bowl and all of its contents strewn on the floor in front of him.
“It’s okay Regulus. Don’t worry, we’ll pick it all up.” Andy calms him.
Effie jumps into action, as she always seems to know how to do. “Nothing broke dear, it’s alright. Why don’t you go back over and we can finish up in the kitchen. Monty, will you come help?”
Part of him wants to check in. He should, Sirius would want him to. They’re right here, but they can’t ask him to do it instead. Sirius would check in if he were a bit more functional. Though none of this would be happening if they were. Once Sirius is feeling like themself a bit more, maybe then Regulus will be back to his usual self.
“Need anything? Or want to talk?” He offers, though it’s obvious how half hearted it is. He and Regulus don’t talk.
“No. I told you to give Sirius some space, you're suffocating her.”
“Sirius is okay, right love?” Remus knows they won’t answer, but he aims it at them anyway. “You don’t need to talk for them,” He turns back.
They would hate it. Remus wasn’t in their life when they were a kid, but he knows them more than most. Even if it hasn’t been nearly as long as others. He knows what makes them tick, he knows the things that would hurt them. This, this would hurt them. Regulus is trying to help, he’s trying to do what he can to take care of his sibling. But they wouldn’t want everyone pretending as if they aren’t here. They don’t want people talking about them instead of to them.
If he can’t do anything else right now, he can at least do this. He can try his best to do the things Sirius would want. He can take care of them in the ways that he knows how to. After all, when the day is over they will be coming back to their room to sleep. He can take care of them there. He can tuck them in and hold them while they sleep. If they want. He won’t force it, but he will be there. That’s all he can do.
It will be enough. No matter what, he’s decided that being here will be enough.
Sirius will be okay, nothing else can be true. Sirius will get through this.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
LILY
“And you’re sure all of us going over won’t be too overwhelming?” Mary wisely asks, not for the first time.
“Well we shouldn’t all try to talk to them at once, but yeah. It’ll be good to be around everyone.” James shrugs nervously.
It’s been weird. Really weird. Half of them aren’t talking about Sirius unless they are going to see them and the other half, Lily included, can’t stop. She can’t think about anything else. It’s consuming her. Not more than anyone else, she knows that she’s not got the worst of it. But still. It’s a lot and her head can’t take any more. This was supposed to be a good summer. Now it keeps getting worse at every turn.
No one has been trying to go back to normal, that’s not what Lily is trying to say either. Everyone is rattled, that’s not up to be questioned either. There’s just a clear divide. The ones who know what it's like to lose someone and who are scared to lose anyone else, and then the others. At least that’s how she sees it. Maybe some of them are just better at keeping it together than others. It’s hard to tell and it’s a lot to think about constantly when there’s nothing to take her mind off of it.
She’s tried to stop thinking about what happened. It doesn’t go well. If she stops thinking about Sirius trying to kill themself, then she ends up thinking about Tuney. Not that she would have ever done this, she’s too happy with her life and too selfish to do anything either. Lily just thinks about how she’s losing her right now too. Not to death, but still. She’s without her sister and it’s awful.
The times that she went to the hospital to try to see Sirius, Regulus was glued to their side. He was hardly talking either, but he did a bit more than he supposedly did at first. Lily went one day with Dorcas and the next with Mary. Both were a bit weird if she’s honest. No one really knows how to act. She’s sad, she’s scared, she feels a bit lost. It’s hard to feel anything else right now.
They hold each other and try to seem strong in front of Sirius. This is about them when it comes down to it. It’s not about the rest of them and how this affects them. This has to be about helping Sirius and doing whatever they can to help them get better. That’s hard to do when they are nothing but a ghost, but everyone tries.
Each time in the hospital, Lily talked to them. Even though they didn’t talk back, she tried. There’s not much to talk about in a one sided conversation though. Nothing else is happening, all that their lives are right now are Sirius laying there in that bed. Half alive. Not quite the Sirius they all knew. Or thought they knew.
On the way to and from visiting them, Lily talked one day and not at all the other. You typically would think it was with Mary that she talked. Not this time. They were silent. Dorcas talked with her, they calmed her down, they kept her from falling apart. Weird right?
Things with Mary haven’t exactly gotten better, but they’re okay. Still friends, but it feels like they are walking on eggshells around each other. Or at least Mary is. Lily is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Surely Mary is going to say something about her feelings, right? It would make sense to, though Lily has been getting closer and closer to something with Cas that maybe she thinks its a lost cause.
Which it sort of is, but talking about it would make things easier. At least put it out in the open. Lily won’t say she knows, unless it comes to that. Unless things get even more tense and it’s necessary. For now they just don’t really talk. Mary won’t push for anything, it’s very unlike her. She’s so quiet now. But if Lily pushes, she will just push back and Lily isn’t up for talking much.
It’s gotten so easy with Dorcas, is the thing. And easy is really nice to have during all of this. After the other night, they helped her calm down and cope. She’s still scared that something else could happen, and now with Sirius back she’s scared they will do something again. It makes it hard to sleep, but Dorcas stays up with her as long as she needs. They don’t complain, they listen when she wants to talk, they hold her when she doesn’t.
They all walk over to the other cabin together and it already feels tense and weird. No one knows what it will be like or what to do. James leads the way, everyone trailing a few steps behind. They also don’t seem to know what to do, they have been anxiously fidgeting every time she has seen them. Even their mum can’t fully calm them.
“How do they seem today?” They catch up to James to walk in step with him.
“Not much different. They’re at least glad to not be at the hospital I think.”
They nod, that’s good. It’s something. “Here is the best place for Sirius, right? It’s gonna be okay that they aren’t somewhere else while they… get better.”
It’s a weird choice of words. Get better. This isn’t something to just get over. It’s not the flu. It’s not an accident. Sure, there’s healing to be done but not in a traditional sense. No one is really saying what this really is. They all know, it’s impossible not to. It’s a suicide attempt. You don’t just “get better” after that. You can, eventually and with a lot of help, but it’s not that simple. It never really leaves you.
This sounds like Lily has first hand experience. She doesn’t, but she understands. She’s studied it and has her own burdens to bear. Even through all of the work she has put into her mental health, she’s not perfect. No amount of therapy or medication just removes the mental illness. It stays with you and laces itself through every part of your life. This is just how it is.
This will always be part of Sirius. Unfortunate as it is. But they have so many people to love and support them. It’s a long road ahead figuring out how they can all help them and for them to learn to lean on everyone else. It won’t happen overnight and it won’t happen without some intervention either. Really, that answers and contradicts the answer to her question all at once.
He confirms what Lily is thinking. “Sirius would hate being locked up somewhere. Here has to be the best place for them. We can help, we will. It just has to be okay. I can’t think about it going any other way.”
“It will be okay, they will be okay.” She squeezes his hand, able to feel how jittery he really is.
The air when they walk through the door is just as tense. The adults, well, the guardians, are working on food that will be good for all of them. Meanwhile Regulus appears to be arguing with Remus, quite literally over Sirius’ head. It’s ridiculous. They’re definitely not helping anything. Those two have no reason to be fighting. They should be working together or at the very least separately helping Sirius.
Sirius looks to have shrunk in on themself on the sofa, slouching quite a bit more than they usually would. One of their hands is encased by Remus’ and the other lays limp next to them. Their brother glares over head, but that’s not enough for him. He’s also shooting insults and demands out of his mouth.
The issue is, she does understand where he’s coming from. Maybe he’s being unreasonable and harsh, but Lily gets it. He would do anything and is doing whatever he needs to for Sirius. Though maybe some of it is misguided. Everyone wants to help Sirius, he’s not the only one. He doesn’t realise that. She can’t blame him because if this were Petunia, she would do anything for her sister. She would only trust herself to be there to help.
So it’s not his fault. It really isn’t.
As much as she loves Remus, she is not stepping in there to do anything. She can wait until there’s a clearing to go and try talking to Sirius herself. Whether or not everyone else gets the same idea, isn’t up to her. If they have a death wish, then let them get in between Regulus and his sibling. Instead she heads over to see if help is needed with dinner. Dorcas is wise and follows.
“Can we help?” She steps next to Andromeda and reaches out a hand.
“Sure, thanks.” She passes the vegetables that need to be cut to them. “Lily and Dorcas right? How are you doing?”
Lily nods, they’ve only met her in passing very briefly if that. “Oh you know. Been better, but okay I guess.”
“She’s lucky to have such good friends that care. When Regulus was pushing to let her come back here instead of staying in a hospital I wasn’t sure at first.”
“We’ll take care of Sirius.” Dorcas and her say at the same time, perfectly in sync.
“Thank you. I’m worried about both of them if I’m honest.”
“They have each other. They’ll be okay, that’s what siblings are for.” She doesn’t know why she says it, but it’s out in the air before she can stop the thought.
It should be true. For Sirius and Regulus it is. They found their way back to each other and nothing is going to mess that up. Whatever it takes, they will both be okay. Somehow. The best of siblings don’t let each other down, they don’t let go when it matters. Regulus is holding on with a white-knuckled grip to his sibling right now, there’s no way he’s losing them.
What would Tuney do now? If it were Lily who was dying, who felt the world slipping away from her, who couldn’t see a purpose in carrying on. Would she reach out a hand? Would she pull her back up from over the edge of the cliff? Or would she initiate the final push? In a way Petunia already has. If Lily were worse off, without others to hold her up, she would have jumped as she pushed her. She would be the one falling right now.
Her sister wouldn’t do what she should. She wouldn’t be there for her, she wouldn’t be the net that catches her. So maybe this isn’t what siblings do, it’s what good siblings do. The ones that love and care and don’t abandon you. The ones that hold you tight and make sure you’re taken care of rather than pushing you so far away that you’re unreachable.
“Do you have siblings?”
She goes to open her mouth and shuts it all in the same second. How does she even answer that? Yes and no and previously and never and always.
“In a way.” Dorcas slips their hand in hers for support. “A sister.”
“Ah, yes that’s how sisters can be. I’ve two. Always have two sisters, but at times I have none.” Andromeda hums knowingly.
Part of her wants to mention what happened, to talk about how she can’t contact Petunia anymore, not successfully at least. Or just to be able to say her name again. She doesn’t know what she needs, but this is an opening. She’s stopped looking at her phone, that’s something at least. Lily has stopped sending messages, well mostly. She’s sent a few after the other night, she had to. Including to her parents telling them what happened. Not with Petunia, but with Sirius.
“Petunia… my sister, she cut me off not that long ago.” It’s the first time she’s actually said it so out right. “And then Sirius promised not to ever leave Regulus on his own.”
The second part comes out without warning, and Andromeda stares right through her. The words hit her like a punch to the gut. Of course she knows they have left before, but the promise must be what does it. The timing of it. Or just the fact that it happened at all. Technically the promise wasn’t broken, but they tried to. Sirius tried their best to leave, but no one is letting them go. Never again.
Arms stretch out to hold her. Just like they have been doing anytime she’s anywhere close to being weak. Lily will never be weak again, not with them by her side. Cas is always right there to hold her up. To catch her when she’s about to fall. She sinks into them seamlessly. As if they’re one. At the back of her mind she remembers that they aren’t anything, nothing more than friends. Except maybe they’re truly on their way.
“They wouldn’t- Regulus wouldn’t be alone, but he needs them. More than anyone else. Always has.”
“He has even more people now, but it just-” She pauses. “It hurts that they would try to leave like that. I just lost Tuney, I can't lose anyone else.”
“You aren’t going to. Red, it’s okay. No one is losing anyone.”
Andy holds a hand out, she takes it seamlessly. “If you need a sister, I have a lot of practice. I’ll be here for a few more days at least. Until Sirius is more settled I think. But even after that, I can be there for you.”
Slowly Lily nods. It’s the most reassured she has felt in days. She is almost ready to call her parents and tell them that Petunia never wants to see her again, but not quite. A few more days maybe. Things here need to get a little better before she’s ready. They’ll have questions and she won’t have answers. It’s also biding time, a few more days. A few more days where the texts could switch back to blue.
Not that she’s holding out hope or anything like that.
Dinner is just about ready, and the group of them surrounding Sirius is chattering away. Of course Sirius isn’t participating, but no one seems to be taking that as a hint to back off. Lily wants to talk to them, she always does but especially right now, but she can wait. Regulus appears to have moved even closer to them, practically fusing into one. Not even Remus is that much on top of them.
As soon as food is on the table they disperse. Sort of. Peter and Mary make their way to the table and the remaining three have a standoff on all sides of Sirius. Standing and waiting, as if to lead the way, is James, making sure they are in their line of vision. Regulus seems determined to be the last one up, forcing his sibling to go first. All while Remus holds out a waiting hand to help his not-boyfriend (though no one knows what they are anymore) over to the table. He doesn’t seem like he wants to leave their side ever again.
Though he has been giving them space. This is the first time she’s seen him this glued to their side. Even at the hospital he kept some distance, overall unsure of what to do. He seems to be trying to help keep them at ease. Not fussing too much, but just enough that it shows he cares. God this must be so hard on him too. Everyone has fretted over themselves or how Regulus and James are handling this. Hardly anyone has been checking in on him.
“Let’s just get Sirius to the table.” Regulus blurts out, exasperated.
“They can stay here if they want to. Whatever they want.” James is quick to argue.
It’s Remus who settles it, first turning to them. “Do you want to come with us?” She can’t see them, but they do nothing more than blink, she assumes. “Alright they are going to stay here and we can come back after we eat.”
He says it all confidently and pushes up from the sofa. Once Regulus starts to walk on his own, then Remus goes too. He’s keeping an eye on everything. From the seat he picks at the table he can see Sirius perfectly. Lily finds the seat next to him, wanting to be there for him. Someone should be, even if he’s trying to keep it together right now.
It’s a full house right now. Effie takes one head of the table, with James and Monty on either side of her. Andromeda ends up at the other head, Regulus settling in beside her. Across from them, facing away from Sirius are Mary, Marlene, and Peter. Everyone is quiet, it’s definitely not the most lively dinner. No one knows what to do or say. Lily ends up pushing food around on her plate more than she ends up eating, which earns her a few nudges from Dorcas’ elbow.
Even the new additions, the ones who are supposed to be here to help, don’t know what to do. There’s nothing they can do. This is the furthest anyone has strayed from Sirius, leaving them the most alone they have been in three days. Except every few seconds someone is looking over to make sure they are still there and sitting upright.
“Hey, you okay?” She places her hand over his the second she sees him shaking.
“Hm? Oh, sure.” Remus hardly answers coherently.
He’s not paying any attention. But the shaking stops, he seems to make it stop. Not letting it be seen by anyone else. Carefully he slips his own hands into his lap, cradling them to keep from shaking any more. Though she can now hear his foot tapping, replacing the stimming. He’s not doing well but he’s trying to hide it and that kills her. Not that she’s doing any better, but he needs to lean on someone.
“You know it’s not your fault.”
“I should have- I don’t know. I should have been able to fix it, or stop it, or just anything…” He shakes his head, but the worry has already settled in his eyes. “I love them. So much I don’t know what to do with it.”
“Make sure they know, that’s all you can do.” She’s not really sure what else to say.
They are all just doing their best and it’s not enough. That is what they are realising. Lily hasn’t been enough for anyone, and maybe this is just another notch on that belt. They don’t want to always let people down, and they know they are telling Remus this isn’t his fault, but can the same be said for them? Dorcas keeps telling them it’s not something they could have stopped. But what if they could have? What if they just needed to love them more?
So maybe that’s what Lily needs to do. Show everyone that they love them. Make sure its known. Make sure no one feels left out or ignored. That’s something that they can do easily. Lily loves their friends and will do anything for them. In doing that, they can’t push too hard either. So they just sit there with a hand laying outstretched for Remus to take if he wants it. They’ll support him however he needs.
The rest of the table is quiet, they’re quiet now too. Is it always this quiet? Suddenly it’s hard to remember what they talk about when things are normal. Nearly every night they sit around one of these tables for family dinner, and if they don’t then they’re probably around the fire pit all together. For a month they’ve been here, not running out of things to talk about. So why can’t any of them figure it out now?
“When are you staying until?” Mary asks Effie lightly.
“Not sure yet, at least a few more days. We won’t always be here and in your hair though, but we will be around.” She smiles, not quite her usual smile.
None of them mind the Potters, or even Andromeda, being around. They’re all great and all of them know Effie and Monty quite well. They have always been like second parents to most of them. There for whatever you need, taking care of anyone. It’s nice to have them here now. It tells them that it will be okay. Effie has a way of fixing everything.
“You’re welcome as long as you like. If we had any extra rooms we’d have you stay right here.” Lily adds.
“You are all so sweet. So, tell me how the lake has been? I heard so much and yet so little about this trip before you left.” Her voice eases all of them, like things could be okay.
They take turns jumping in with things they enjoyed. Well, most of them do. Regulus sits quietly, while James fidgets and watches him intently. The two of them have spent the most time with the Potters, so they either have already told stories or more likely, don’t feel like it. Marlene talks about the race they had, while Dorcas mentions all of the stargazing they get up to and the treehouse.
“All of it has been fun. Just getting to be all of us together and in nature, away from uni and the city. It’s great.”
Really if everyone was thinking right, Lily’s comment could have been the end. It should have been. They all know what happened a few days ago, they all know that’s a clear divide in this trip. It’s why they have more than just the group of them here. It’s why they’re sitting at this table right now, without Sirius, in the first place.
But Peter just always wants to be funny. “My favourite activity so far was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital for almost a full day.”
“Pete…” James warns, though the message doesn’t come across in time.
“We wouldn’t have gotten to do that if someone didn’t overdose. Highlight of the summer, really.” He continues against better judgement.
After that, she sees it coming before anyone else does. Part of her knew it would be coming. How did no one else? He’s a bomb waiting to go off and Peter lit the fuse. Not gracefully or gently. So it’s only fair that he doesn’t go off that way either. Instead Regulus is pushing up and out of his seat, ready to launch himself across the table.
No one thought the joke was funny. Regulus is just taking it the hardest that Lily can see. He’s shaking, trying to hide it. But she notices. It’s obvious the way he keeps flicking his gaze over to Sirius and then back to Peter. Debating if he needs to take care of Sirius or take care of Peter. How none of his breaths are steady, no inhale is long enough and every exhale holds a bit back. It’s not good.
And if it weren’t for James, he would have already jumped across the table and punched or strangled Peter. It’s not his fault, he’s protective and if we’re being honest, far from stable. Within their arms, he tries to wriggle free. Without much luck. He’s held back and more agitated than before. Monty is up from his seat and going over to help while Effie is a bit stunned in her seat. She looks between Regulus and Sirius, neither looking back at her.
“Get the fuck out of here.” He seethes.
“My room is in this cabin! It was just a joke, trying to lighten the mood. Can you just calm down?” Peter defends himself, to no avail.
“Pete, just go to your room or to the other cabin.” James urges him to get away from everyone, for his own good.
“I didn’t mean anything by it. Don’t fucking attack me.”
Lily regrets opening her mouth, but she has to try. “No jokes about it, yeah? It’s too much.”
“I will see to it that you are the one lying in a hospital bed if you don’t get out of my face and far away from my sibling. Now.” There is nothing but rage behind his eyes.
He goes, not out of the cabin but to his room shutting the door behind him. That helps to calm Regulus just the slightest bit. Everyone is on edge now. Except for Sirius, who still hasn’t moved at all. Someone should check on them, make sure they are still breathing. While James is calming him down, she could get around to check herself. That would help everyone feel better, it’s about Sirius after all.
As soon as she’s standing in front of them, she recognises the look. They’re zoned out, staying anywhere but the present. Eyes glazed out, totally shut down. It hurts to see them like this, but at least they aren’t actively hurting. Lily isn’t usually when she’s been this way. Everything is turned off, so nothing can get through to cause pain. She hesitates, but ultimately sits down next to them, placing a hand on theirs. Sirius doesn’t acknowledge it, but that doesn’t matter. She just wants to be here.
Perhaps the wrong decision.
“Don’t bother them! Can’t any of you just do something right for once?”
“I’m just sitting with Sirius, it’s okay.” She stays calm in her defence, talking to Regulus exactly the way she usually does.
“I don’t- just… Get out! Get away, everyone go!” He starts screaming. Louder than he has ever been in front of them, harsher.
This is the mean Regulus that people will say exists. The one with the eyes so sharp they look like they could kill you in one glance. He’s not nice or sweet in the slightest. There is no resemblance to him from how he has been for the past month. It’s unnerving. Even James looks ready to back off, almost scared, but they stay put with their arms around him.
He doesn’t stop screaming. At her, at Peter, at everyone. Maybe he doesn’t see anything right now. Everyone quickly heads to the door. Well, everyone that is staying at the other cabin. Peter is already in his room tucked away for now, even if the smart decision would be to leave for the night completely. Lily is the last to move to leave, though she ultimately does. Even in the chaos, she squeezes Sirius’ hand before leaving and gives an empathetic look to Regulus. She understands.
It’s the most that she can do. Andromeda and Monty are right behind James who is still trying to hold him together. Regulus doesn’t stop, he’s thrashing a bit as Lily leaves. When she looks back before closing the door behind her, Effie nods and goes to Sirius. As much as they all want Sirius here, and as much as Regulus fought to let them come back here instead of being carted off, maybe it wasn’t the right choice. Though it’s only the first night, it has to get better. This isn’t how things will always be now.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REGULUS
Three days ago Regulus started to fall. He’s been falling ever since. It won’t stop. The ground hasn't broken his fall and no one has caught him. He’s just falling through the air indefinitely. Sometimes it feels fast and everything around him is a blur. Other times it is excruciatingly slow. Everything in slow motion and that’s when it’s the most painful.
When it’s slow he has to really see what’s happening. He has to see how helpless he is and how hurt those around him are. If he could just stop falling he could fix it all. He could make everything okay. Instead things just keep happening and it’s all out of his control and he’s never hated anything more.
He never wants to fall again, though first he has to get it to stop. It started when Sirius woke up. Not when they were nearly gone, not when he saw them lying lifeless, not when he realised what had happened. He was frozen to the spot, terrified when all that happened. It was when they woke up and their eyes opened and they were breathing on their own again that he fell from the cliff.
Arms are around him and he wants them off. He doesn’t want to be restrained. He wants to stop falling but the arms don’t stop that. He’s falling with arms around him, dragging them down and off the cliff with him. Right now it’s fast, it’s a blur. He’s pretty sure he’s yelling, but he’s not sure of the words coming out of his own mouth. No one is being helpful, no one is doing the right things. He’s the only one who can and no one is letting him.
They all almost lost Sirius and he seems to be the only one making sure that doesn’t happen again. Making sure it doesn’t happen for real. He won’t leave their side, he won’t take his eyes off of them. He’s done this before he knows what to do. No one else does, they're all suffocating them. Years ago he had to do it all on his own, he had to keep them going and he did. Until they left, but that’s not important right now. Regulus managed to keep them alive on his own once before, he knows best right now.
He just needs to get free of the arms restraining him and go to his sibling. They need him. They don’t need people pushing them or making stupid fucking insensitive comments about this. The one who did that, Pettigrew he thinks, isn’t here anymore. His vision is starting to come back and things are coming back into clarity.
It’s James that is holding him back, of course it is. He could have guessed. He should stop thrashing, he doesn’t want to hurt them. They’re trying to help, he knows this. At least they tried to get everyone else to listen to him and leave. Sirius doesn’t need everyone else right now, they’re not helping. They still haven’t moved, he doesn’t know if that’s good or bad. He should check on them. Slowly he does calm down, externally at least.
He’s not really breathing properly, he’s still falling. That doesn’t matter though. Once he seems steady enough, James gently pulls back. Letting him have his space for now. There’s no one near Sirius, no one for him to be mad at right now. Good, they should all just let Regulus handle this. He only trusts himself to. This is Sirius we’re talking about, he can’t leave them up to anyone else. Not even James or Remus.
“Reg, it’s okay. It’s just me.”
“I’m going to Sirius.” He states, not bothering to listen, breaking free.
They’re exactly where he left them before dinner. Staring straight ahead, not acknowledging him even now. It’s not their fault, he’s not upset with them. He sits down next to them and wants to curl up like they used to do when they were little. Holding each other and protecting each other from the world. Maybe he should build them another pillow fort, things are always better inside a pillow fort.
“Hi I got you some water, will you have something to eat?” He tries, knowing that they aren’t going to answer anyway.
The water sits in front of them on the table untouched. It’s going to stay there, he already knows this. They don’t show any sign of hearing him, but that’s okay. They’re alive and breathing. Regulus holds their hand, mostly to steady himself, but it also allows him to keep a finger on their pulse. He needs them to stay alive and that’s how he will be okay too.
“Regulus,” Someone calls, but he doesn’t turn around. A moment later Effie comes to stand in front of him, though directing her words to Sirius instead. “Hi sweetheart. Leaving some food in front of you when you’re ready.”
“They will need to eat soon.” Andromeda now chimes in.
“I’ll get them to.” He frantically replies.
He will. He can do that. If anyone can it’s him. He knows how Sirius can be with food on the best of days and the worst ones. He made sure they ate the first time, he’ll get them to now. That’s part of keeping them alive. It’s Regulus’ job, he won’t let them down. He will show them, he can get them to get better without needing to send them somewhere else. Everyone just needs to back off. If they let him handle everything it will be okay. Sirius can take their time too. As long as they do eventually, that’s what matters.
They stay there for a while. He stopped listening to what anyone else said. Regulus just focuses on his sibling and the fact that they are alive. His own heartbeat hammers in his chest and is ignored entirely. His breathing picks up speed, but he doesn’t take notice. Everything starts to blur around the edges again and there is a ringing rising in his ears. He’s not sure when that started. Somewhere far away there’s people talking again. Most words pass right through him, stopped from entering his head by the ringing.
Except they keep saying Sirius. A few times it might be his own name, but mostly them. He doesn’t like that they are talking about the two of them. There’s no reason for them to. No one is even trying to consult him or include him in the conversation. That’s the problem. He should be part of this, why are they talking so far away from him?
He can’t even see them, they must be behind him. He can’t see much, more than just the edges are blurry, everything is now. Regulus blinks and blinks and blinks but nothing comes back. There’s a rush and he’s dizzy now. He doesn’t only feel like he’s falling the way he has for three day, he’s actually falling. The world tips on it’s side and everything goes out.
One second it’s black, the ringing has stopped, everything but his chest has stopped falling. Now there are hands holding him up and he scrambles.
“Wh-”
“You fainted, I think. Reg, what’s going on?” James looks at him, worried.
“I’m fine.” He shakes it off. “Sirius should eat.”
“They haven’t shown any interest. They’ll be okay if they wait until breakfast.” Remus answers very matter of factly.
“No, they need to. To take thei-”
Andy cuts him off. “Regulus, it’s okay. We talked to the doctors and they said this might happen. Sirius will have something tomorrow.”
“They need to take their meds and to do that they need to eat and have water. Why is no one else helping?” He screams, fidgeting in frustration. “Why am I the only one that seems to give a fuck around here?!”
“We-”
“Reg,”
“Th-”
Everything pounds in his head and through his whole body. Echos in his mind of cries he doesn’t remember. Hands grabbing hold of him, trying to stop him from shaking. He’s shaking. He wants to, needs to scream. Not yell, not shout. Scream. He shouldn’t, not when Sirius is right here and they would hate this. He does it anyway just to stop everyone else.
It works, everyone is quiet. Now they’re staring at him. Concern, worry, shock, hurt. It paints all of their faces. He wants to yell now, about how no one is helping, about how they are all stopping Sirius from getting better. These are people that are important to Sirius and he is supposed to trust that Sirius is important to all of them too. He’s not so sure right now. All of the distrust he has always had comes bubbling up to the surface as if the last month never happened. The kettle is beginning to boil over.
“Reg, let’s just go to bed. Remus will get Sirius ready for bed and you can see them in the morning.” James softly guides him away.
After three days constantly with them, he doesn’t want to let them go, he doesn’t want them out of his sight. He’s not strong enough to fight James. Why is he so weak? He should be able to push back, he should be able to stand his ground. He knows how to help Sirius, no one else will do it right. They won’t get better unless Regulus is there and helping all the time. He needs to fix them. He needs to fix everything.
It needs to be him. Regulus needs to help fix it. He needs to make it better.
From behind them he can hear everyone else speaking in hushed voices. Definitely talking about him and he hates it. It makes his skin crawl again. It makes him uneasy. The voices go from four to three, though the missing one from the group draws closer to them. Remus. Guiding Sirius to bed. At least he’s trying. Look, Regulus is trying to let go of some control. Just for now.
He’s not able to get out of going to bed with James, so for tonight it’s fine. Tomorrow he will take over again and make sure they get to okay and then to better. Sirius will be good one day, ideally soon. They have to. There really is no other way for things to go. Regulus refuses.
“Have a shower and then get in bed. Okay? You need sleep.” He’s not as soft with him as he usually is, but he nods anyway.
He doesn’t need sleep. A shower will be nice though. He goes right to it and instantly feels a wave of relief, or perhaps he’s just able to take a deep breath. His shoulders release some tension and fall to a comfortable position. Regulus lets the water fall directly over him for a few minutes. He doesn’t wash his hair before getting out, he doesn’t care to right now. He’s not the focus.
The exhaustion he feels is far too heavy on him, but he can’t sleep. Not when the last night he did sleep, Sirius almost didn’t wake up. How is he supposed to trust that they will wake up tomorrow morning? They went to sleep next to Remus then, tonight isn’t different. Except it has to be, they can’t do that again. He should go check on them one more time. Just after he slips a shirt over his head, he grabs the handle of the door.
“That’s not getting in bed. Reg, come on. Remus has them.”
“I don’t trust him.” he simply states.
“I do. And you trust me right?”
Right? Right?
Does he trust James?
The hesitation says enough apparently. “Or maybe you don’t. Just, please come here. I don’t think I can sleep if you don’t.”
That guilts him enough, he’s already floating to the bed as he teases. “Already gotten so used to sleeping with me?” It comes out a bit forced, and it is.
Regulus may get in bed, but he won’t sleep. Even still, he crawls under the covers and lays his head on their chest. It’s comforting at least. Being held by the arms that wrap so perfectly around him. It’s not as good as knowing that Sirius’ heart doesn’t stop beating all night, but he can hear James’ heart and his every breath. It’s enough to steady him. To suspend him mid air of his falling.
That’s also how he knows that James doesn’t sleep for even a second the whole night. His heart rate never slows, though he stays as still as he does when he sleeps. Regulus notices the difference. Neither of them talk the whole night. Both pretending they are asleep, pretending they don’t know that the other is faking.
There’s a reason for it, he knows his own and he knows James has one too. He could ask why, but that’s not a conversation for tonight. Eventually, but not right now. He can just savour the eight hours he will get where he can feel someone’s heartbeat other than his own. Eight hours of calm to catch his breath.
It’s also eight hours to figure out how to fix this without anyone making it worse. He hopes that Sirius is sleeping, softly and gently. He can take care of them tomorrow. Everyone else just has to let him. It doesn’t matter if he faints again or if he shakes so much from tiredness. Or if Sirius refuses to eat or if everyone has different opinions on how to help.
He just needs Sirius to be okay. He’ll give his own heartbeat to Sirius if he has to.
Then he can breathe, though he may never sleep again.