Part I
REGULUS
No.
No no no.
Please.
Please please no.
Wake up wake up wake up, please wake up. No no no, please.
That’s all he can think for hours. The words buzz in his mind taking over everything entirely. He can’t see, everything is blurred by tears. He can’t speak. Distantly he thinks he might be talking. His thoughts have probably been said aloud. Not on purpose, they just slip out. He doesn’t want to talk. The only person he will talk to is Sirius and he can’t do that, so he’s not going to talk.
He should have known. How did he not? He should have fucking known and done something about it. They weren’t alone for much time at all, they were with James and then- That’s where it ends. He doesn’t know what happened and he feels sick. If he could move, he would be throwing up whatever contents are left in his stomach. Again. There’s nothing left now. That was the first thing he did.
The second was fall to his knees. Someone must have peeled him off the floor. He’s not sure. He won’t ask, it doesn’t matter. Nothing does anymore. He can’t stop crying, though it’s less violent now. Regulus is no longer sobbing. There’s just a steady river coming from his eyes. Blocking everything else from his vision. A blank stare through tears.
There’s nothing else he can do. He’s not sure how he’s breathing, but he is. It’s just- how did this happen? This was never supposed to happen. He made sure it didn’t, he was supposed to keep it that way. He stopped it before. It should never have gotten to this point again. Sirius was okay, fuck Sirius seemed good. For the most part, at least from what Regulus could see… They were okay.
They were okay. They were supposed to be okay. This wasn’t supposed to happen. No no no no no no no no no no. This is all wrong. This isn’t how things go. They can’t go this way. This just- no. It can’t. Regulus refuses. He won’t survive it ending like this.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
JAMES
It doesn’t make sense. None of it does. He can’t figure it out, this just- What did he miss? How could he have missed this? There had to have been signs which means that he missed them and that just- He can’t figure it out. He’s confused, he’s lost.
They were laying there talking, it was good. Or okay at least. Right? They were okay. If they weren’t then James would have known. They tell him when they aren’t okay. Did they tell him? Did he not realise? Did he fall asleep before-
He fell asleep. James can’t remember deciding to sleep, he can barely make out what the last thing Sirius said was. Fuck. How did that happen? He shouldn’t have fallen asleep. He’s so fucking stupid. It’s been hours, hours and hours of waiting around. Hours since… He wasn’t wide awake when he needed to be and now he can barely even blink. James’ eyes are glued open. He doesn’t need to sleep any more. He can’t. He’ll stand here wide awake just in case until….
It was a shock to the system. He’s not a heavy sleeper per se, but also not a light one. Screaming woke him up, he sat up immediately. Nothing has made sense since. He doesn’t know what to do. The one thing he knew how to do, he did immediately.
It was sometime in the middle of the night. Definitely late. He didn’t check the time he just called. No words came to him though. How could they? What would he even say? The truth is too painful, it would claw his throat raw trying to force those words out. It was a blur, but he called him mum. That’s all he could do.
It’s not clear in his head now, but it went something like, “Mum,” through shaky breaths, “They- Sirius… I can’t… She, fuck. Mum please help.” Someone else took over the phone call after that. How anyone could say the words, he will never understand. But the message got through.
He was useless. Still is. Hasn’t stopped talking though. James can’t sit still. Ever since he was a kid, he couldn’t stop moving. When something is wrong he either freezes completely or moves so much it’s even more concerning. That’s where he is at now.
James should have seen it. His best friend. He should have known. It’s his job to know. But things were so good. Sirius said I love you to the love of their life. That’s good, isn’t it? Wouldn’t that be enough? Unless there was something more. Something James missed. How could he have missed something so big, so obvious?
His hands are shaking and he can’t see. Nothing makes sense right now. It can’t until…. There is a chance that nothing is going to make sense again, ever. He’s scared that will be true. It can’t be. His glasses are somewhere back at the cabin, he didn’t grab them. It wouldn’t matter, there are tears bubbling up in his eyes that he can’t see anyway.
No one can calm him down. Distantly he thinks that they have tried. A few voices entered his bubble of space, but he didn’t hear any of them. He wants Sirius. He wants Regulus. Neither of them can talk right now. He’s scared this is all that the future is. Deep down he’s scared that it could be his fault for missing it and not doing enough. He’s just scared.
He wants his mum. He needs his Sirius.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REMUS
They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him. They love him.
But they’re…. No. They aren’t gone. He can’t think about it. It’s all he can think about. It’s eroding his mind.
He said it finally, after so long of holding back. Remus was going to wait until they were something real. Official. Whatever you want to call it, but more than just fucking. He just couldn’t wait. Tonight was good, they were out on the lake under the stars and he’s known for so long, but tonight he knew he had to say it. By his luck they said it back.
And then. What does it even mean? His words are nothing anymore. They were useless. They didn’t fix anything. He wasn’t trying to, he didn’t know there was fixing needed. If he had, would he have been able to? Now what do those words even mean? If… when they wake up, will it be something they want still, or was it a parting gift to him? The second the thought crosses his mind he hates it, he wants to crumble under the weight.
Remus fell asleep listening to their three words on repeat in his mind. Peaceful and hopeful. Two seconds after waking up in the middle of the night, like he sometimes does, there was no peace. He screamed. Those words stayed on a loop in his mind but were armed in barbed wire instead of flowers. It was awful.
It still is awful. It always will be, seared into his memory.
He loves them, more than he knows how to explain. What is he supposed to do with that now? Where does he put that love? His heart is laying in the bed in front of him. Bleeding out. Someone needs to save it, but Sirius is- They’re the only one who can save it. There is a gaping hole in his chest and he can’t do anything but let it bleed out. It’s out of his control now.
It’s been a few hours here. Nothing has changed much. He had to fight to be let back here. Everyone else is out in the waiting room. Except for him James and Regulus. The latter of which won’t physically let go of Sirius so he won’t be going anywhere even if they tried. The former is technically family, so he gets to stay too.
Remus is- he’s nothing. When the nurse asked who he was, why he should be allowed by their side, he blanked. He’s just here. He has to be here. He won’t let them out of his sight. They tried to push him away but he fought. He tried explaining what he and Sirius are, to get some sort of sympathy vote allowing him to bypass the family only rule. That didn’t do anything but earn him a bunch of sad eyes in his direction.
Ultimately he got through by needing to help James stand up. They’re a wreck. Of course they are. That’s not to say that Remus isn’t. He’s just- he’s holding it together. If he lets himself fall apart it won’t do anyone any good. He can get destructive and angry. Grief and sadness takes over him and he doesn’t want that. All he wants is Sirius. If he breaks rather than hold the pieces of him together, he’ll start to believe this is real.
It can’t be.
Hospitals aren’t his favorite place. Never have been. But he’s not thinking about that either. He will just think about how to fix this. There has to be a way to fix this. He’ll figure it out. When things are better, when they can leave here, he won’t let Sirius out of his sight. He will help them in every way he knows how.
He will love them more than any one has loved anything in the world, and that will be enough. At least enough to keep them breathing, and they can figure the rest out later. Figure out what he missed and how he can see the signs next time. There has to be a way. He needs there to be. Love can’t fix everything but it has to be enough to at least be worth living.
Because he loves Sirius and they love him back. Nothing else has ever mattered in this world or any other world.
He can’t figure out why they would have said it tonight. Remus said it first, but they returned it with ease. And then. Fuck. And then, what? There’s always more. What is he meant to do with that? They love him, but at what cost?
If they could just wake up. That will make everything right.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REGULUS
At around nine in the morning Sirius wakes up. In a fit of coughing, nearly choking, and a lot of thrashing. Spit comes out black as he coughs. Regulus gets hit in the eye and the side, but he doesn't care. He hardly notices. Amidst the chaos he’s trying to calm or soothe them as much as he can. All he can see is his sibling’s eyes open and looking around the room. That’s enough for him.
While curled into their side, laying on their chest he could hear and feel their breathing. Barely at first, it took an hour to find it and know that he wasn’t making it up. It was shallow, but it was enough for him to keep his own heart beating. He took a breath with every heartbeat. It was all he could do to keep from falling apart.
Now that they’re awake, he immediately tries to get them to meet his eyes. They won’t. Their head is shaking and they keep blinking slowly. They keep taking deep breaths. Not trying to fully breath, it’s just natural but still much below a normal pace. Every time they exhale their face falls. He knows what’s going on. He knows that- that they don’t want to be here.
They didn’t think there would be a here. They thought there would be nothing. Regulus has never been more happy to have Sirius next to him, and they have never been more disappointed.
“Sirius! You’re- Oh my God, thank God.” James screams, rushing over. He continues rambling, no one stops him.
Regulus still can’t manage to say anything. His voice is missing. Sirius tries to yank their arm away from him, but he holds on tighter. Accidentally digging his fingers in too tight. He can't let them go. Not now, not ever. He never should have let go of them the first time. He did everything right, except letting them go. He saved them, he got to keep his sibling. For a time, so it seems. There was a timer on this, on their life, and he couldn’t stop it. He didn’t stop it this time. Someone else had to reset it. He wasn’t enough on his own this time.
He will be enough for any time in the future now. He’s never going to fall short again.
It’s impossible to talk still. He just stares at them, but Sirius won’t meet his eyes. They don’t want to look at anyone it seems. For a moment they squeeze their eyes shut over and over again. Hoping for this to be fake, for them to be gone. It’s painful, he can feel it in his chest. He can barely breathe himself. It must be even worse for them.
Slowly they start to calm down, still coughing every once in a while and choking on the charcoal that lines their mouth, but they’re okay. In a way. Not yet, but they’re going to be okay. As they settle, Regulus regains his grip on them. It’s softer and less desperate this time, though only slightly. He keeps one hand lightly holding their wrist so that he can feel their pulse. Just wanting to make sure it’s still there. That he isn’t losing them.
Someone must have alerted a nurse that they woke up, because someone comes into the room. They are whispering in one corner of the room to Remus. He can’t hear, but Regulus’ eyes are trained on them. He can’t read their lips, but he doesn’t care. It’s going to be something about their care.
Once they leave Remus first goes to James, and then to Regulus. Likely saying the same thing to both of them, in very hushed tones. Though Sirius won’t be listening even if they can hear. They’re entirely checked out. Eyes glazed over looking at the wall, at nothing in particular.
“Once Effie gets here they are going to have someone else come in. To talk about… what happened. And I think figure out what to do now.” He fills him in.
Regulus only nods. He doesn’t know how to talk right now. He thought it would get easier once Sirius woke up, but it hasn’t. There is too much that needs to be said really, so to him it’s better to say nothing at all. Whoever comes in later, he’s assuming it will be some kind of psychologist, will have questions. He doesn’t want them to be taken away somewhere, he doesn’t want to let them out of his sight.
But whatever will help. He wants his sibling to get better, that’s the priority. They should get back on the meds they were supposed to be on. He thought they had a therapist too. He doesn’t know what to think now. Everything was supposed to be okay, it seemed like it was. He just- he can’t lose them. If that means they get taken away somewhere until they are okay, then fine. Regulus won’t be happy about it, but he can handle it.
It’s another hour before the Potters arrive. Effie flies into the room in the way that she tends to. Somewhat floating, somewhat running. It seems like a hectic and frantic presence, but in reality she calms everyone. Even if she is breaking internally, she doesn’t let on for the benefit of the rest of them. James instantly calms down when he sees his mum, which lowers the volume in the room immensely.
He hasn’t stopped rambling. Most of it has been nonsense. Saying something about last night, or other days, or just in general thoughts about Sirius. They are their best friend, of course this is hard. Regulus and them are just getting to know each other outside of Sirius, but maybe they should have continued to let Sirius sit between them. Not literally, but in a way that they would be able to talk about them to know if they were okay. They had often avoided talking about them. A stupid mistake.
James might not know anything about how Sirius has been. In recent times or far in the past. He doesn’t want to ask. It will hurt him. This is already hurting him, but to find out that they have tried this before and he never knew, will tear him apart. That first time, there was a letter for James too. Tucked inside of Regulus’. When he saw that, he shut the folded piece of paper and never opened either again. He never gave it to James either. There would be no point since they were alive.
Two weeks later was when they ran away to James. So that solved that, right? He never talked to his sibling about it. Not really, not in a way that he maybe should have. He doesn’t know if they told the Potters about it, about why they had to leave when they did. Any of it. It’s theirs to tell, not his. He doesn’t blame him for not talking about it though, Regulus wouldn’t if it were him.
“Oh, honey.” Effie coos, coming over to the bed.
He can't tell if she’s talking to him or Sirius. Though that question is quickly answered when she takes both of them into her arms. Neither of them hug her back, she doesn’t mind. There are still tears in Regulus’ eyes, and when she pulls back, there is a small stain on her shoulder where his face was smushed.
She goes back over to James for a moment, whispering in her child’s ear. He looks like a small child now, not the adult that he is. It’s heartbreaking. The way James looks up at his mum with all the sadness and guilt and desperation in the world. He wants everything to be okay again. Maybe Effie has the power to do that. From the small amount of interactions he’s had with her, he thinks it might actually be possible.
“I had to fight to get back here. Family only they said…. Andromeda is on her way as well, but didn’t get on the road until after us.” She starts talking to no one in particular.
Oh, good. Andy is coming. That will be good. She knows what to do. Between her and Effie, surely it will be okay. It has to be.
With no one actually responding to anything Effie is saying, she tries again. This time going to each of them individually, though Regulus is still glued to his sibling. Nothing will pry him off. First she goes to Remus. No one has been checking on him, someone should. If Regulus could talk, he’d like to think he would, though he knows that he wouldn’t. He’s not been fond of him in the past, rather the opposite. But they love each other, or so he thinks. This must be devastating to him.
He seems to be holding up well enough. Or he is at least putting on a strong face for them. James is a wreck still, and Regulus is… He’s nothing. Someone has to be strong. He’s the responsible one, the sensible one. The one who can hold everyone else together, apparently. At least right now. That will just have to be enough.
He looks back to Sirius, who hasn’t done anything still. They’re staring ahead, not really looking at anything. Not taking any of it in. A few times they blink and their eyes are glassy, but no tears spill out. Sirius shakes their head the smallest bit, he only notices because he won’t look away from them. He catches even the smallest movements. When he didn’t before, he should have before.
What gets his attention is the heavy breathing coming from the other side of the room. The time for Remus being the strong one is apparently over. He’s holding back tears and holding onto Effie as he tries to regain a normal breathing pattern. She holds him for as long as he wants. Not breaking the hug, she’ll stand there all day if he wanted to.
Meanwhile James is talking to their dad. Still panicked. Oh how Regulus wants to help. He should be holding them, and them holding him in return. They can get each other through this, he hopes. Or this will ruin them. It’s a passing thought, and it’s one that he would rather not have. There’s really no telling how it will go after this.. Passes? No that’s the wrong way to think about it.
It will be fine. It has to be. James and Regulus will be okay. Sirius will be okay. It’s all going to fucking be okay. It’s the only option. Regulus literally can’t let himself think otherwise. It will send him into a panic. Again. He’s finally somewhat calm. It’s best that he stays this way. It’s hard to tell if the tears have actually stopped and they are just sort of pooled in his eyes or if they’re still going.
He should stop. That’s what Sirius needs. They shouldn’t have to look at him and see pure sadness. They aren’t looking at him or anyone, not directly at least. But even still. It wouldn’t be fair to them. None of this is fair to them. Life hasn’t been fair to them. Regulus would fix it all if he could. He would do anything for them if he could. Don’t they know that?
Presently he is latched onto their arm, trying to give them some space, but knowing he won’t be able to let go completely. He mindlessly draws circles with his thumb. And then he- He feels a raised line under his path. It tugs on his heart. Regulus has seen the old scars. Most aren’t on their arms though, they keep things better hidden than that. This one feels new too, he’s scared to look to see, but he already knows.
It is new. If he looks, it would be barely healed. Pink instead of white, just barely past being scabbed over. Couldn’t be more than a week or two. It stings. How did no one notice? They have struggled this much before, not that that is news to anyone at the moment, but no one saw. They got quiet and still no one saw. Sirius has been running around the lake, and no one saw fresh cuts? No one, specifically Remus comes to mind now, saw them at all?
It’s not right for him to direct his anger and hurt and pain at him, he knows it’s not, but he does it anyway. If anyone were to have many opportunities to see this, and any others there are, it would be Remus. All he does is stare at them and drool over them and fucking yearn. So how the hell did he not notice? Maybe Regulus should have been able to tell something was off, but Remus should have too.
Regulus doesn’t say anything, but he stares daggers at him. From across the room. He’ll see eventually. Maybe he can even feel it. It’s really a problem to deal with later, it won’t fix anything now to make a fuss. But later? Oh later he will be fucking livid. No one here, aside from Sirius has seen him truly angry, and no one should ever want to.
Their eyes catch for a second as Remus pulls away from the hug with Effie, and whether he knows or not is hard to tell. But he looks like shit. Good, he deserves to. He didn’t take care of Sirius like he should have. He loves them and yet. Fuck. He’s so mad, but he can’t do anything with the anger. It’s simmering in his chest and he knows it will boil over soon, but he needs to keep it contained for Sirius.
Everything is for Sirius. The way he stops tracing the scars and goes back to holding onto them tightly. The way he doesn’t say a word, but keeps making sure Sirius is awake and somewhat alert. Checking in the best he can. Whatever they need, Regulus will make sure they have.
“Reg?” James calls out, it’s the first time he’s tried to talk to him. At least that he remembers.
His eyes bolt up, but he doesn’t say anything. He knows he looks a mess. A past version of him would be thinking that at least he looks like less of a mess than Sirius. It would be funny. Except for the fact that it’s not. It will never be funny. They do look a complete wreck though. Their hair is no where near neat, there are still traces of charcoal around their lips, their eyes are glassy. It’s an awful sight.
So Regulus turns back to James. He talks, he’s the only one who can’t stop talking. “Reg, I don’t know what to do.”
He sounds so small. He sounds scared. It’s awful. Regulus doesn’t say anything, but he almost catches his sibling’s eye. They look broken. All of this- it’s too much. He doesn’t have to answer James, his mum is already enveloping him in a hug. Taking over. Taking care of everyone.
No one else comes over to Sirius. No one tries to say anything to them. Something about that is wrong. Shouldn’t they all be fussing over them? Sirius wouldn’t know what to do with it, but this is worse. This feels worse. They tried to kill themself and everyone is worried about each other, instead of them. Have they all lost their minds?
He wants to scream. Something like Are you all mad? Look in front of you, they’re hurting and all you’re doing is talking to each other. They keep ignoring Sirius. Or maybe it’s their way of giving them space, even though this is not at all a time for that. Regulus might just be upset, or- Actually, he stands by this. They all are insane for not doing more. Isn’t that what got them here in the first place?
Under his head, which is leaning against Sirius, they shift. Trying to get comfortable or something. He pulls away, barely and only for a second. Sirius instead waits for him to lie back down first. So he scoots up to be a bit more upright and settles in. His sibling slots in perfectly, curled up against him, opposite as before.
This is new. As kids, roles were reversed. But it’s nice. It’s not actually new, not entirely. Regulus doesn’t like to think about the last time they laid like this. It was the first time. A lifetime ago. So long that they cycled back to this exact situation, though a few steps further. They laid like that all night after Regulus found them. Sirius cried in his arms, he’ll never forget it. He hates that this is now a fresh memory. Intertwined then and now.
“Andy texted me, she’s- she’s coming up now. Just parked.” Remus announces softly.
He now has tears in his eyes. Since talking with Effie, he stopped trying to hold it together. It wasn’t doing him or anyone any good. He wasn't even that good at it, if you ask Regulus. He couldn’t keep James from spiraling, though Regulus tuned that out like he used to. Feels like shit about it a bit, but that’s for later. Right now is for Sirius. They are all they can focus on for now.
They perk up, well relatively so, at the mention of their cousin. Recognition and alertness. She normally knows what to do. The doctors were all waiting for her to come before making any decisions. Apparently. That’s what he gathered from the bits and pieces of conversations that Regulus has listened to. Maybe now he should be more present. He can do that for Sirius. Now that they are awake and holding onto him, it’s easier.
He can breathe, even if he’s breathing for both of them. With each rise and fall of his chest, Sirius moves with it. Not just their head, but their chest too. They take a breath with each that Regulus does. It’s the best thing to happen since they woke up. Not that it’s been long, but it’s something. It gives him something to hold onto.
“Mum?” James whispers, but he’s never been all that good at whispering.
“What is it Jamie?”
“Are they going to send Sirius away? I don’t want them to. Can-” Their voice breaks.
Oh.
Sirius doesn’t look up, they probably didn’t hear it.
“I’m not sure. But we’re going to make sure they get better and get the help they need. Okay?” She pulls them back into her grasp. “It’s going to be okay. I know you’re scared.”
He should be holding James. A month ago, that was not a thought he would ever have. But right now, he wants to make it better for them. He needs to be right where he is for Sirius though. And at least for right now, they take precedent. James will be there, they aren’t leaving. So it will be okay. They have their mum and dad to hold them. Regulus is all Sirius has. When it comes down to it, that’s the truth isn’t it?
Except maybe he’s not even there enough for Sirius. If he had been he would have seen all of this coming. He would have trusted his gut and pushed harder. He wouldn’t have believed the show they put on. He should have…
The door swings open and the force that is Andromeda rushes in. “Oh God.” the words fall out of her mouth.
“Andromeda, hi. They- thank you for coming. They need you as much as us.” Effie pulls her in and finishes the conversation out of earshot from him.
Next to him, under his arm, Sirius is barely moving. Aside form the slow breaths, they're just there. He can’t tell if they even see that Andy is here now. They probably don’t. Their eyes are glazed over. Regulus won’t let them fall back asleep though, so they’re stuck in whatever this trance is.
The doctors would say the same thing, probably. It’s best if they stay awake right now. Easier to figure out what’s next. Better that they don’t sleep in case anything is left in their system. Right? Even if no one else is thinking that, Regulus certainly is. He’s not going to risk it.
“Hi,” Andy says with a heaviness when she finally comes over to the side of the bed. “I’m here, it’s going to be okay. I’ve got you two.”
He doesn’t question her. He just looks up at her, trying not to cry again. He’s never been enough to make things better, but maybe Andy can. Maybe that’s all they need. Someone who knows what their life was like, knows all they went through, and still found a way out and a light on the other end. She did that. She can get Sirius through to there too. Not to say that all of this is because of their parents, Regulus knows that it’s not, but they didn’t help.
All of the love they were shown when they were the smallest of children, a year and two years old, promptly evaporated. Regulus took that and shoved it away. Sirius ran toward anything they thought would love them back. Chasing a high that they hardly even knew, hoping to fill the void. It makes sense, he’s not… Well it sounds awful to say he’s not surprised this is where things have ended up, but he understands. This could have been him too.
“Here Sirius, it’ll help.” She holds out a cup of water for them, but they don’t take it.
Even though they have spent most of the time they’ve been awake coughing or swallowing roughly, they don’t want the water. They let their eyes flutter, so close to shutting. Regulus wants them here and awake. Maybe not alert, but he’s not going to ask for too much. Instead he takes the cup, nodding to his cousin.
There’s something that happens when you have a sibling. Without trying you develop an unspoken language. One day you’re just two kids and the next you are telepathically communicating about everything. A switch flips when you realise this is your person. The one person who can never leave you, they are a part of you. When Regulus was born, he made Sirius a sibling. When Regulus was born, he came into the world already being a brother and having a sibling. Forever linked despite any distance.
He’s never known a life without Sirius. Even when they are apart. He’s always had them. He never wants to not have them. In a sense he always will, but you know what he means. Death doesn’t take away that he’s a brother, but it would take away his sibling. Cruel, is what that would be. Last night was too close. The first time was even too close and they didn’t end up in the hospital then.
“Sirius, just have some water, yeah?” Remus tries from the foot of the bed.
When did he get there? Oh there’s James next to him too. Just looking at Sirius. He doesn’t like how they’re looking, though he can’t talk. He’s no better. Regulus just keeps holding the cup of water until they take it. Whether that is in thirty seconds or four hours, he doesn’t care. He has nowhere else to be.
“Has anyone let everyone else know they’re up?” James asks.
“No, we’ve all been here. I didn’t bring my phone either.”
“I- I would go but I’m not leaving. I can’t-”
“They’ll know later. It’s okay. Just breathe, okay?”
They’re not right up by the bed anymore. Sirius isn’t watching them, they probably aren’t even listening. Regulus keeps trying with the water. Just a sip, they don’t need to chug it or anything. If they would just do something that’s good for them, it would be progress. It would help in keeping them from being sent away for very long. No- he’s not going to think about that. That would be losing Sirius in a way too.
“Right but Remus, I- I don’t know I would hate not knowing.”
“You think I’m leaving their side either? Oh you’ve lost it now. Do you know, did they tell you?” Remus starts to get agitated.
“Did they tell me? That they were going to try— ” Their face drops.
Sirius reacts for the first time. They get tense. Not fully, not enough for most people to notice, but Regulus does. It’s one of the first times since they woke up that they have seemed alert and present. A sinking feeling settles in his chest and his gut, waiting for James to finish their sentence.
They don’t, Remus interrupts. “No, fuck. Why would I ask if you knew that? Did they tell you what we said before we went up to the cabin?”
“Oh, yes. I’m sorry, fuck, I’m sorry Re.” They’re about to start again, both of them this time, he can tell.
Sirius is noticeably stiff, almost holding their breath.
“So-”
“I-”
“Leave.” He says barely above a whisper, his throat is raw. Sirius looks up at him, locking eyes. They need him, no one else right now, just him. So he finds his voice. “Go. Don’t- I don’t want to hear it. You’re not doing this right now or in here, so go.” Regulus seethes.
They nearly argued, but instead they oblige. Panicked and definitely not happy about it, the two of them leave the room. He knows they both just want to be here for Sirius. After last night they don’t want to leave their side. Of everyone, Regulus understands that. But they aren’t doing them any good by bickering and rambling constantly. It’s better that they just go for now. He’ll apologise to James for it later, but that’s not the priority right now.
The priority has to be Sirius.
The doctor comes back in to talk now that Andromeda is here. For whatever reason they seem to be difficult when Effie and Monty explain that they are Sirius’ guardians. Mostly because they are old enough to not need a guardian, so by that standard it should only be family back here for this. Effie, the woman that she is, refuses to leave. She will be here to help figure out how to help Sirius and no one can tell her otherwise. God help anyone that stands in her way.
That being said, it only takes a few minutes for the doctor to give in. He tried to hold up the rules, it was useless, but he did. Regulus stays quiet, no one tries to get him to move. He wouldn’t, by the way. He’s not leaving their side. If it came to it he would glue them together. His sibling needs him, and he’s not going anywhere.
“Okay, so you all love and care for Sirius. We know this, and we want to help her get better. Yes?”
“Of course.” Monty answers, while the rest just nod.
“We are lucky she was brought in when she was. We are going to have her stay for three days. Just a precaution, and we will keep a close eye on her. You are all of course welcome to be here as much as you want.” He continues.
At this point, not because he doesn’t care, but because there are other people who do just as much, he stops listening. He focuses back on Sirius and the cup of water that is still in their hands. They seem uncomfortable, or uneasy. Valid, really. No one is asking for them to do anything more.
The doctor carries on talking about them and some technical things that really lose him. None of it matters. They’re alive and that’s all he cares about right now. Regulus tries to soothe them by running his nails lightly across their arms or rubbing circles on the back of their hand. Anything to keep them breathing. Eventually they take a sip of water and look to him after with incredibly tired eyes.
“-you have time to pick where, but these are the facilities we recommend. All of them are able to accept new patients now. Well they prefer to call them residents, but you know what I mean.”
“Er- No. I don’t know what you mean?” Regulus clears his throat and really talks this time.
“An inpatient center. Where Sirius can get the help she needs and have doctors around at all times. For whatever she needs.”
He knows that he said he wants whatever will help them the best. He’s not exactly changing his mind, but it doesn’t seem right. This isn’t what would be best right now. He knows that it’s not. Taking Sirius from him three days from now is too soon. Regulus doesn’t mean to, but he snaps anyway.
“No, what they need is me. And their friends. Not some fucking psych ward!” He bites back.
“We just are recommending what we think is best-”
“I don’t care! I can handle it. I can handle them. I did the first time, I’ve helped before and I will now. Just- three days here you said? Then they can leave with me?” He nearly screams but he holds it together. He talks calmly and shakes his head whenever anyone tries to protest.
“Regulus, honey…” Effie catches his eyes and he knows that he made it worse.
The first time. The first time. The first time.
He said it. He didn’t mean to say it, but he did. That might have fucked them. There shouldn’t be a first time, to them this is the only time. They’re going to be sent away now for sure and it’s his fault. He tried to hold on as tight as he could but it was too tight. So tight that they squeezed out through his grasp. He can fix it, he’ll fix it.
“Three days you said. That’s okay, three days and then I’ll take care of Sirius. We all will.” He comes across much more composed now.
“We can discuss more later, Sirius should rest.” He leaves the room and air rushes back in.
The day goes by with a lot of nothing. Sirius finishes the one cup of water, but that’s it. They’re asleep again. Regulus didn’t stop them this time, he even dozed off a bit too. It’s been years since they have been this close. He’s savouring it as much as he can, he should have sooner.
When Regulus wakes up again, the room is empty aside from the two of them. He’s sure that no one went far, but it’s jarring for a moment. He got used to the multiple bodies hovering. Though with both of them asleep, they likely just went to the hallway to talk. As long as they aren’t making some secret decision to ship Sirius away, then that’s fine.
They come back in when they see that at least Regulus is up. Well, not up up, he’s still acting as a pillow to his sibling. It’s quieter now, less fussing about. None of them know what to say at this point. Someone should. It shouldn’t have to be Regulus who knows what to say. He doesn’t. He’s lost.
James comes back, hovering in the doorway before coming in. “Can we talk?”
He nods, he fucked up and snapped at them. It wasn’t fair. “Come in, I can’t move.”
Everyone, albeit hesitantly, clears the room once again. Sirius is still asleep, so they’re as alone as they can be for now. “I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
“I was freaking out. I honestly still am, but it’s under control now. I know I was maybe not the most calming or reassuring presence earlier.”
“That’s okay. I understand. I’m sorry I snapped at you.”
“It’s gonna be okay, we’ve got them. You’re gonna be okay too, I’ve got you too.” James grabs his hand, a bit frantically, but somehow still soft.
“We- we’re going to get through this. Just- the focus has to be Sirius. Not me, not anyone else. Just Sirius, okay?”
“You can’t run yourself ragged taking care of them, there’s enough of us to help. I’ll take care of you too.” He pushes, quite adamantly. “I—Well I promised Sirius I would.”
“Oh,” Regulus doesn’t know what to do with that.
He waits for there to be more. For James to add some context. He looks like he is going to, and then snaps his lips shut again. Quiet. There’s something he’s not saying. Something… But he doesn’t know what. It’ll come up later. Regulus can ask later, he just doesn’t have the energy now. He’s funneling what energy he does have right to Sirius, they need it more.
They could make room on the bed for James to crawl in with them. Regulus wouldn’t mind and he knows that Sirius wouldn’t either. If they were awake. But he doesn’t offer, because he doesn’t want to overwhelm them or jostle them. He doesn’t want to wake them when they are finally, and peacefully, resting.
“I’m staying, I don’t care what anyone says. I’m not leaving Sirius.” Regulus blurts out when Effie starts grabbing her things.
“Of course honey. We have a hotel just down the road. Call if you need anything.” She comes over and hugs him, though he pretends not to want it.
The Potters start to walk out the door, when James stops in his tracks.“I’ll stay too.”
“James, you should go. Get some rest. I’ve got them.”
“But we could both stay.” They say a little more solemnly.
“I want you here, but it might be too much. Just—I’ll text you. Okay?”
“Regulus is right, Jamie. Come on with me and your dad.” Effie has to usher him out.
It’s not that he wants him to leave, but he can only do so much right now. James being here would pull too much of his focus from Sirius. He doesn’t want to make anything worse. So the Potters all leave, with promises to be back tomorrow. He’s sure they will be here far too early. Andromeda claims the comfy chair in the corner to herself for the night and gives him no choice in the matter that she will be staying.
“Thank you for coming up.”
“Of course. Wouldn’t dream of doing anything else when you two need me. Get some rest, okay?”
“I’ll try.”
“Oh and Regulus?” Andy pauses until he really looks at her. “I’m happy you got out. Proud, too.”
That’s when he lets more of the tears slip from his eyes. Only a few, only subtly, but they’re there.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
LILY
It’s fucked. The whole thing is, it properly sucks and everything hurts. It’s been about 18 hours since they got here. 18 hours of sitting in an uncomfortable waiting room. Most of which was spent with more questions than answers. That’s not necessarily anyone’s fault, it’s just how it is. They can’t change it.
No one knows what to do in this situation, no one should ever have to know. That’s the thing. This hasn’t happened before. No one is prepared for it. There are so many factors, not to mention just so many of them. The shock, the pain, the grief. Along with nurses asking them to calm down or behave every hour or so. It’s been a long fucking day.
The hardest part is believing it happened. Trying to wrap their heads around this being real. No one had to come get them though, they heard the initial scream, and the ones that followed. They came running, though no one could say enough to explain. Lily was the one who stepped forward from their half of the group and put it together.
James, Regulus, Remus, and Peter already saw. None of them could talk, though James tried. They really did, trying to tell their mum, but even that hardly worked. Lily took a step inside Sirius’ room and saw the notebook, saw the pill bottle, and that was enough. It just still didn’t make sense. They were- they were okay. Weren’t they?
She thought they were. Lily is usually good at this, at sensing if things are wrong. She can tell. She knows Sirius well enough that she should be able to fucking tell. What did she miss? What should she have seen that she didn't? Those questions have been on a loop all day. While everyone else tried to talk to each other about it, about anything really to distract themselves or whatever, this is all Lily did.
What was she meant to do? Aside from that, she thought about Regulus. He must be dying. His sibling is still here, but they almost weren’t. She doesn’t know when exactly they woke up or when a doctor confirmed that Sirius would be okay, but the wait until then must have been agony. Against her will, she imagines what it would feel like.
Her sitting in the waiting room, and instead of Sirius lying there unmoving, she sees Petunia in her mind. What would she do if this was her? How would she cope with her sister being gone, or almost gone? That’s her tether, that’s her north star. Well, she was until recently. Today none of that mattered. Today it wasn’t Petunia, it’s Sirius.
Now back at the cabins, because everyone agreed going back to get some rest would be the best option, she remembers that she doesn’t have a sister anymore. Lily stares at their phone contemplating texting her. It would be a bad idea. It wouldn’t end well, but they still want to. Just to say she loves her. That’s all.
It’s worth saying. It’s always worth saying even if it’s not said back. Even if it goes through green and never gets delivered, at least they say it.
They don’t want to go to sleep yet. They can’t. Though everyone else seems to have decided that’s the best idea. Everyone is in the one cabin tonight, easier that way. Plus James is staying with their parents at a hotel and Regulus refuses to leave the hospital. So Peter and Remus take the couches. There’s more than enough room.
The boys and Mary have long since fallen asleep. Lily knows because they keep checking. They aren’t tired, well they are, but they aren’t able to sleep either. To not bother Mary, as things between them are better but still not normal, Lily has spent the last hour since getting back sitting on the porch. Periodically they go back inside to check on everyone.
First grabbing a jumper since it’s a bit chilly outside, but then making the rounds. The initial time they did this, Marlene seemed to still be awake, so they left them be in their room. Mary though is out like a light. Still breathing. Peter is snoring, a clear sign that he is breathing too. Remus is very very still, a bit odd since he doesn’t normally sleep like such a stick, but he’s breathing too.
Another thirty minutes go by and Lily is antsy again. They quietly slide the door open, and manage to not wake anyone. When they crack open the door to Dorcas and Marlene’s room open, they’re both asleep now. Good, everyone deserves to get some rest now. It’s been a long day and it doesn’t feel like the days are going to get any easier for a bit.
She creeps in, as quietly as possible. Leaning over, she gently places her fingers on one wrist, belonging to Marlene, and there’s a pulse. Good, she’s alright. Next they even more gently touch Dorcas. Their heart is beating too, that’s all she needs. It’s ridiculous, she knows it is. No one is dying randomly.
But then again, Sirius. Not that they died randomly of an aneurysm or anything, but still. Had anyone been checking, they would have caught their pulse slowing even sooner. It wouldn’t have taken until they were gone to figure it out. They wouldn’t have needed to have been resuscitated; they would have just needed to flush their system. It would have been easier.
So whether it's an overdose or an aneurism, Lily is keeping an eye on everyone. She needs to. It’s going to keep her sane. Maybe. That’s a hard thing to say, but it will. This is how she keeps everyone okay and that’s all she needs to be sane.
Just as she’s about to slip out to go check on the others again, a hand wraps around her wrist.
“What are you doing Red?” They whisper.
“Oh er- just seeing if you were asleep. It’s okay you were, go back to sleep Cas.”
“You were checking my pulse.”
What can she say? “Well no, kinda? Go back to sleep, it's okay.”
Before they can protest, Lily ducks back out. She skips over the other room and the living room for now. Just going right to the porch. Instead of sitting on the ground this time she props herself up on the railing. It’s not too high, but it’s high enough that falling would hurt. She won’t fall, it’s just a thought.
Instead she looks up at the stars. It’s a clear night, the stars are out and it’s amazing. They don’t get to see stars like this in the city. She loves to look at them. Many times Sirius has walked her through the constellations and the star names and all of that. They learned as a kid, so it makes sense. She can’t remember all that many of them but she’s looking up now and finding some that she recognizes.
Her chest hurts. There’s too many reasons for that right now. She doesn’t even know what would make it better. She just wants things to be better. It feels so far off. A time when things are okay. It scares her. Things will be okay, but what if it takes forever to get there, what if they’re okay but they’re different, what if they aren’t all that okay after all?
Mostly she wants her sister. Petunia is okay, nothing is going to happen to her and she won’t do anything. Not like this. The thought still drifts across her mind in waves. One day she can see Tuney again. One day. That’s what she has to hold onto. Because right now when all she wants is her, she’s alone.
“You need to sleep.” Cas says from behind her.
They slip their arms around her waist and hold her tight, making sure she doesn’t fall over the edge. Lily would fall if in meant being caught by Dorcas. They lift her down and stand facing each other. Closer than usual. Cas brushes a few stray pieces of hair off of her face. They are illuminated by the night sky, Lily is too.
“‘M not tired.”
“No, none of that. It’s been a long day. You’re going to at least rest, Lily. Even if you can’t fall asleep.”
Lily. There it is again. They don’t call her that unless it’s something important or honestly she doesn’t know. The times Cas has said Lily are so few and far between that there’s no real pattern. But she hears it now, and she knows they are right. It’s just hard to do that when there are people she cares about that are hurting.
She’ll be better. She’ll check in on everyone and make sure everyone is okay. That’s what matters to her really. She’s nothing without the people she loves. A hole was already torn in her heart this summer, she doesn’t need any more. Lily can't survive anymore. It’s awful even thinking about it.
They almost lost Sirius. They were almost gone. They almost took themself away from all of them. It’s not that simple, she knows it isn’t. It just feels that way. How could they do that? How could they leave them? All of them.
Everyone loves Sirius. There’s no if ands or buts about it. Sirius is the glue that holds all of them together. Maybe they don’t realise it, but it’s true. They made this trip, they brought Regulus in (who arguably is having a great time up until today), they do all of this.
Then it hits her. Was this trip… No. that wouldn’t be it. This wasn’t their plan. Something must have happened. It’s not something they can just ask, but everyone has to be thinking it. Wondering what happened, wondering what the final straw was. Because there has to be something. There has to have been something that happened that made it get this bad.
And did they not say anything or did they all miss it?
How bad was it before all of this? She could go through all of the conversations she has had with them in the last month, last year, ever, and still not figure it out. Lily tries. She tries really fucking hard, she wants to know how to help and this is all she can do now. But comes up empty. She’ll keep thinking and guessing, but she won’t figure it out. Sirius was just that good at hiding it.
“I don’t know how to sleep right now.” She says, not necessarily to Dorcas though.
“I know. I’m worried too. We can talk about it in the morning. Just please try to sleep, it’s all you can do right now.” They walk her inside and to her door. “If you can’t, come get me okay?”
“Okay.” She says mindlessly.
There’s a tenderness there, but she can’t properly see it or feel it right now.