Part IX
LILY
On a walk this morning they stumbled upon a treehouse. Not just some little one either, this is a fully built up two story house with a tree going up through the middle of it. The entire thing is incredibly impressive. Their first thought of course was to run back to the cabin and drag Dorcas out here. They made coffee and carried it out here. In order to get up, Lily climbed first and then took the mugs up so that Dorcas could join them.
How it took four weeks, an entire month, half of their stay here, to find it, is… quite annoying for one. Odd as well. All this time they have been missing out on another spot to hang out at the lake. This would have been perfect for some of their game nights. Though, if no one else knows about it, then it’s also perfect for them right now. A secret for just them.
They sit on opposite sides of the top floor of the treehouse, facing each other. It’s still early enough in the morning that they are both still tired and even less talkative than usual. Though, they have been talking more. There’s more to say and Dorcas has at least been breaching the surface with them. Lily has been trying as well. It’s hard for her right now, but she thinks it will get easier with time. There is a lot clouding her mind, it’s difficult to break through that all.
She’s sipping on her coffee and cupping the mug with her hands trying to absorb some of the warmth. Mornings here are usually on the chillier side. Lily pulls on a too big jumper before going outside every day and waits until it’s warm enough out to take it off. Sometimes it doesn’t get there, and those are the days they end up doing non lake activities. Today it should warm up, but here in the treehouse right now, she is borderline shivering.
Across from her, Dorcas doesn’t seem to have the same problem, though if they do, they don’t show it. “You can come sit here if you want me to help warm you up, you know.”
“Do you want me to?” She hesitates.
“Get your butt over here Red. Yes, I want you to sit with me and to be warm.” They easily reassure her.
Here’s the thing, this - whatever this is - makes Lily nervous. Not in a bad way, but entirely in a stomach filled with butterflies way. That’s enough to explain her thinking and her behaviour, but it’s more than that too. She has no idea how Dorcas feels, she can’t read them. She’s never been able to. They haven’t started acting any different with her, except for the times that they have called her Lily.
There’s more touching and talking now between them, but Dorcas is still the same. They still tease her, they still have an even and steady voice with everything they say, they are still them. And that scares Lily, it terrifies her. The fact that she could be reading into this, following her heart more than she should. Jumping off the edge of the cliff not knowing if they will be there to catch her. So it’s scary and so very unknown. But it’s what she wants, Lily can’t help herself.
On top of all of that, she’s just been feeling very… Hm how can she put it? Unwanted. Unsure. Untethered. Lost . All she needs is some extra assurance. Maybe that’s not all she needs, but it helps. The one thing she’s missing right now, the one thing she needs to feel whole again, is out of her reach. Reassurance from the people she does have, is all she can reasonably ask for. Even then she feels bad that she needs it. It doesn’t fix everything, it only helps a little bit, but it’s still something.
Reluctantly, even with the directness telling her they want it, she slides over. Dorcas throws their arm immediately around her, tucking her under their arm. Warmth comes with that, so does comfort. Last night they went back to their original sleeping arrangements. Mary wanted Lily back, she left the door open. Maybe it would have been wiser not to, knowing what she knows, but they are still best friends.
She wants to fix things between them. Not make things worse. As much as she can. Bringing up the near confession of feelings from their argument wouldn’t help. It would put more of a strain on their relationship. Lily is not stupid. But she can pretend she doesn’t know it happened. That’s the best way to go forward. It might be the only way.
It wasn’t awkward at all like she thought it would be. The two of them managed to slot right back into place with each other as if nothing happened at all. Which really would have been fine and there wouldn’t have been a shift at all if Lily hadn’t gotten used to sleeping in Dorcas’ bed. The whole night she found herself wanting to drift closer, seeking out warmth from another person. Except she would open her eyes and it would be Mary next to her. Not them. All she wanted was for it to be them.
Lily knows it’s not fair to her. She knows what Mary feels and how it probably breaks her heart having to see Lily with Dorcas. Though they aren’t even together or anything. They aren’t anything. Not yet at least. But Mary knows how Lily feels about them, she knows they would be something if they just talked about it. She just watches Lily fall for them more and more and can’t do anything about it.
If she could stop thinking about it she would. It’s no use dwelling on it. There’s nothing she can do. Nothing at all. Telling Mary that she knows and doesn’t feel the same way would only break her heart even more than Lily already is. And lying to her will only make everything worse. Lying is never the right thing to do because someone will always get hurt. Even if the lie is to protect them, they’ll eventually find out it was a lie and then be hurt twice over. Once by the lie happening at all and then also for whatever the lie was covering up. It’s never worth it.
But Lily can pretend. She can pretend that she doesn't know Mary loves her. She can pretend that she doesn’t feel for her and that she has never reciprocated those feelings. She can pretend that she knows what the fuck she's doing. She can pretend and pretend and pretend. It will never change any of it. But if Mary ever asks, she doesn’t know.
The worst part is though, years ago she felt the same. This will tear her apart inside. When they first met, Lily was still figuring herself out. Who she is as a person, what kinds of people she loves, all of it. Gender, sexuality, even just figuring out her personality. After spending her whole life following Petunia around, she needed to figure out how to be her own person before anything else.
In the end they didn’t realise it until too late. That the feelings they had for Mary were love, romantic love. All consuming love that Lily didn’t know what to do with. They realised it as it was too late to do anything about it. Then they watched as it eventually faded. Left behind was admiration and adoration, entirely platonic, but still just as fierce. They have been best friends for so long. For a while Lily forgot about that, they forgot that Mary used to be who they looked at with longing and used to be the one they got nervous around.
That’s long since passed, but it seems the reverse happened. Or maybe she even loved them back then but did nothing about it. Wrong time and all that. Lily doesn't think it's the right person, wrong time, that would mean everything they feel now isn’t the real thing. They’re almost certain Dorcas is the one for them and they want that to last. They want it to become real and become everything.
So the most Lily can do is try not to think about it. They loved Mary once, and Mary loves them now. But it’s momentary. It’s not forever. It will pass. Everyone that loves them leaves them eventually, and maybe Mary won’t leave. She won’t stop being in their life, but the love may pass. It will happen just as it did for Lily. Romantic and all consuming one moment, and the next they’ll be nothing more than her best friend again. As quick and as forceful as the feelings crept in, they’ll leave all the same.
“What are you thinking about? I can hear your brain moving.”
“You never ask what I’m thinking about.” Lily falters, caught off guard.
“Am I not allowed to ask?” They throw back.
She breathes it, contemplating. She shouldn’t pause for long though, it only looks bad, it will unnerve them. “You can, I’m just thinking about Mary. I don’t want things to be ruined between us.”
Talking is weird. They don’t do this. They don’t talk about their feelings. Dorcas is supposed to be her safe space, her person that won’t force her to open up. Lily hates opening up. She feels so fucking fiercely its overwhelming. All she ever wants is a moment of peace from her own thoughts and feelings. Dorcas is the one who has always given her that. And now, they want to talk?
They mean well. Lily can talk herself into that. She knows that it’s the truth too. They aren’t asking to be malicious. They’re asking so that she knows they care. Not a pretend care, not just asking for the sake of asking. They want to know, they want Lily to know that they care and are there for her whenever she may need.
“It’s okay. You guys are going to be okay. We don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to. I just could tell something was bothering you and I’m here. Whatever you need Red.” Drocas echoes her own thoughts out loud.
How Lily could read them that well, she’s not entirely sure. It’s never been like that before. Normally she has no idea what is going on in their head. She could look at them and be entirely lost. Unsure of anything in the world. Somehow that feeling has morphed. Even just since a week ago, two weeks ago, before this trip. Everything is entirely different. It’s never been like this before. She knows what they’re thinking. It’s like they’re connected.
She feels more whole with Dorcas around now. “Thank you. It’s good to know that you will listen. It’s not important right now, I'm just overthinking.”
“That’s okay. Don’t worry. We can sit here and talk or not talk for as long as you want. I don’t think there are any plans for the rest of the day. Well at all, these are the only plans I have. Sitting with you.”
“We may have to go back in and bring out some snacks if we’re spending the rest of the day here.” Lily muses. “Not right now though, not yet. I don’t want to move from right here.”
There is no fight put up with that. As comfortable as Lily is right now, Dorcas feels the same. They don’t have any desire to do anything else. It feels so good. The natural progression of them feels easy and exactly right. The only question still on her mind is why haven’t they kissed her yet. It will be well worth the wait, and to be honest thinking about that is more enjoyable than the other thoughts in her mind. But still.
Their drinks are long gone and it has warmed up significantly over the hour or so longer that they have been sitting here. It has cleared Lily’s mind though. That’s exactly what she needed and it’s successful. While it’s just the two of them and they talk about anything else in the world, none of it matters. She can put some of it in the past or box it away in her mind and be okay.
It’s foolish, she thinks, to dream about the future ahead and how Dorcas will play into it, but that’s what she does. It’s how she can feel okay again. There’s something to look forward to. Something that won’t be stained by the past. So that’s what they do. They talk about their last year of uni and what they want to do after. All things that they have vaguely said before but not directly to each other.
Lily has known them for a few years now. They have been friends for most of that time as well. Though never each other’s best friend within the group. So as much as they know about each other there is still so much more under the surface to learn. Especially with Dorcas, they are a closed book and she can’t wait to chip away at their edges to discover more. All of the parts of them that she doesn’t already know, everything that they haven’t talked about in all of the time they have spent together.
Just this morning she has learned quite a bit. Like the fact that Dorcas has broken their arm three times, all in entirely different places. That they used to have red hair, though only let it fade out right before they met. And that they used to have a collection of little wooden turtles. Technically they still have it, but only because their mum refuses to get rid of it in case they one day want it again. Or that they lived and worked at a vineyard in Italy for a year before their family moved back to England. It’s exhilarating learning even the most mundane things about them.
They still don’t talk about them, what they are, what they want to be. None of that. Which is okay, they will get there. Lily can look at them and know that there is something there. It’s not concrete, but that’s enough for her to let herself have this. To see where it goes. To hope that by the end of the summer they can be something. Having this go slow will be easier on Mary, she won’t have to see them dive head first into a relationship in front of her.
Around lunchtime, they head back inside. Both for sustenance, but also to see what everyone else is up to. “Where have you been? No one could find either of you.” Marlene questions as they enter from the back door.
Everyone seems to be in their cabin today, a change from the usual set up. She looks around seeing if anyone else noticed, but they don’t. Barely anyone pays them any attention. Aside from Marlene, no one even looks up at them. James, Peter, and Remus are sitting and talking but they’re too far to hear. Regulus is… glaring at his sibling, who appears to be writing in their notebook again off in the corner. Though they aren’t writing much, they’re just looking at whatever it is.
She refuses to let herself find Mary in the room to see what she’s doing or if she noticed the two of them returned together.
“We found a treehouse.” Lily says, which now perks up a few ears.
“A treehouse?” Marlene questions.
“Did I hear a treehouse?” Peter whips his head around to face them.
“Er- yeah. I take it no one else found it yet then?”
From the corner of the room there is a huff. “I did.”
“I am not surprised.” Dorcas laughs.
“Can we go see it?” Marlene practically jumps up.
They spend a few minutes pulling together snacks and blankets and anything else they all may want over the next few hours. It seems today’s designated activity is now the treehouse. Which also means that Dorcas and Lily don’t get to hang out there alone anymore. After a while they can probably get away if they want to, but maybe this is better. The more time they spend apart from the group the more obvious it will all be. Just look at James and Regulus.
Those two, predictably so, don’t join. Regulus had already found the treehouse and even showed it to James. Maybe they were using it as their own secret spot, but now they can’t. They stay back while everyone else excitedly follows Lily. It’s really not that hard to find, it’s just on a slightly different path than they have been using to get between the two cabins this whole time.
It’s not until they settle into the bottom floor of the treehouse that they realise anyone is missing. Six of them sit, and it takes a second to remember there’s nine of them on the trip. Not eight. So with two staying behind to hang out in the cabin, there is still one more unaccounted for. Maybe they said something to someone before the group walked out. Maybe they wanted to spend time with their brother. There’s a million reasons why no one is pointing out that Sirius didn’t follow them, so Lily pushes it from her mind.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REGULUS
He hardly notices when everyone else leaves. It only gets quieter, which he prefers anyway. Without any talking to further distract him, Regulus picks up one of the books he bought the other day. There’s hardly been any time for him to read but he’s been looking forward to it. James just distracts him at almost all hours of the day. They really should be more conscious of doing that, after all they bought him the books. They should want him to read them so they get their money’s worth. But they seem to prefer talking and spending time together, and well Regulus is weak.
As much as he fights his feelings every single day they won’t go away. They keep growing in his chest. Even now, trying to focus on the words across the pages in front of his eyes, he keeps finding that his focus drifts to James. They’re sitting on the other side of the room, scrolling on their phone. Currently. A few minutes ago when he hadn’t even tried to open the book, they were throwing a pillow at Sirius to try to get their attention.
It was easier when the rest of the group was still in here. Then James had more people to entertain them. They seem to need constant stimulation, to be constantly moving or doing something. He almost wants to create fake activities to give them so that he can have some down time to read every once in a while. He doesn’t, because he does like having James by him most of the time. Right now though, it would be perfect. Everyone else went out to the treehouse that he purposefully didn’t tell anyone else about, so he should get some free time to himself.
There hasn’t been much of that. Even at night when he used to get time alone, even just a few weeks ago. He would get to sneak off from the rest of them and call his friends or just be on his own. Occasionally someone would come to find him and drag him back to the fire pit or wherever they were all sitting at the time. He could avoid it sometimes. But since the pillow fort, James hasn’t been taking any of his excuses to be alone.
They won’t accept that he wants to put his walls back up. He let them down too much. He let people see too much of him. It’s not going to end well. Regulus is acutely aware of this. But it’s just so good right now that he can’t manage to build the walls high enough. Every time he lays another brick, it seems James has chiselled away at one that he turned his back on.
James isn’t going anywhere it seems. For now at least. One day they will get bored and leave or realise that Regulus is more than they bargained for and go running. That’s not now though, and Regulus can’t help but bask in the light that’s been made for him.
He gets twenty pages into the book before closing it. Not a single word sunk into his brain and he will have to reread all of it later, but he’s not going to successfully read any more right now. James however is missing when he finally looks up completely. Instead Sirius is in his view, having moved to a different spot since he last saw them.
“Done reading?” They ask quietly, absently.
“For now. Where did James go?” he immediately asks, knowing that Sirius will know.
“Back to our cabin. Needed to grab something I think.” They take a breath, pausing and adjusting their position to be sitting more upright before speaking again. “Can we talk? I er- I want to ask you about some things.”
He hates the sound of this. He would go running, except he’s trapped. James will be coming back and can save him soon, but he can’t very well make up an excuse for something he needs to be doing right now. His phone isn’t even where he thought it was in the chair next to him. If it were, he would send an SOS text to Pandora and she would call him back immediately. That would get him out of whatever conversation his sibling wants to have. It sounds intense and he wants no part of it.
“Right, go on.” He composes himself and just pushes through. Guard up, though it hardly ever is with Sirius.
“Do you have a plan for next year?” They ask, waiting for him to answer.
“Well I plan to continue uni. I’m in a four year program and only two years through, so yes I do have a plan. Taking my classes and well that’s about it. Probably fuck around with my friends. Nothing important or special. Why are you asking?” He stiffly replies.
“I mean with paying for school You don’t have any money left, I assume.”
“Oh so now you care about my finances? Since when do you give a shit?” Maybe he shouldn’t bite, but he can’t help it.
“I’ve always cared, what the fuck are you on about.”
“You left. Right? You left weeks after you al-… No you know what, I don’t care. Whatever Sirius. I’ll figure it out. It doesn’t matter to you anyway.”
He stops himself from what he wants to say. How Sirius left him alone in that fucking house, knowing everything they did. All they ever did was try to leave him, so why should he accept that they want to help now. That they mean anything genuinely, when the most genuine thing they have ever done is try to leave him. Or actually leave him. Regulus doesn’t realise how much it still hurts until he’s right here inside of the memory.
“What the fuck? Reggie I’m trying to help. I just want to make sure you have a plan. I’ll pay for school if you want, but even if you don’t want my help you should accept some help. You didn't for your surgery and I respected that, but now you really don’t have anyone backing you up.”
“I don’t have you either. I’ve never really had you.”
“You do. I’m right here. I just want you to be prepared in case I’m n-”
“Forget it. I’ll figure it out on my own. Just like I always do.” He shuts them down.
He just doesn’t want to hear it. They keep talking but he blocks it out. None of it matters. They’re always going to have their friends. And Regulus will be their past. James is their new brother, their new family. When you ask Sirius who their family is, it’s James Effie and Monty. That’s who they would answer with first. Not Regulus. Never Regulus.
It’s because he’s too much like their parents. Which he understands. Thinking about the past hurts, thinking about growing up with them hurts. All of it fucking hurts. He just doesn’t want that to be how things are now. Things should be different and better. They should be siblings that love and care for each other and don’t come second to the people around them.
Regulus wants that. He wants to have his sibling by his side. He wants them to want him. They are all the other has, except for that. He’s not Sirius’ person, and he’s not sure that Sirius is his. They aren’t each other’s any more than they are their parents'. Sirius chose to leave, they chose a new life. Why shouldn’t Regulus do the same. It would be so easy right? It could be. Except for the fact that the next closest person he has here to bring anything to him, is James.
James, who has always been Sirius’, could never be his. Out of reach and out of the realm of possibilities for him. Not that he’s had a crush on them forever or anything, but part of him has always been jealous. Of the person that Sirius ran to when he couldn’t be enough for them. There was alway someone better than him and Sirius found them. Sirius found that in James.
After one of the worst nights, after one of the worst things that could have happened, Regulus did everything he could to help Sirius. He made things as good as he possibly could, having been only fifteen years old. He just wanted to help. He wanted to make things better, as much as he could. Their house was awful, it was a terrible place to be. They both knew that. They both wanted out, Sirius just thought they could do it. They thought they could get out and didn’t even think of Regulus in it.
So instead they got out the other way. They ran and claimed that Regulus could follow him. But he didn’t go back to get him. They stayed in contact, but it was up to Regulus to get out on his own. It took years. It took forever to actually manage it, and now that he has… Can he even still run to Sirius? He did, but it felt wrong. It feels like there is no longer a place for him.. It just doesn’t feel like he can fit with Sirius.
He doesn’t know how that changed. Or why. Or how to fix it. All he knows is that they claim they want to help, but it's only hypothetical. What will they really do when it comes down to it? Be a shoulder for him? Doubtful. Pay his university bills? Possibly. After all that money comes from their uncle, so really it could be partially his.
“Reggie..”
“No. Sirius, I don’t want to hear it.”
“I’m trying to help you. I’ll pay for school so you don’t have to worry about that. But I can do more, I’ll make sure things are good for you. I want to make sure you are set up to have a good life.”
Regulus doesn’t process any of the words they are saying, he tries to block them out as best he can. “I’m fine. I have my own friends. You have yours. Let’s leave it at that, yeah?”
“What about James?”
“What about James.” He repeats harshly, through gritted teeth.
Sirius exhales. “Will you let them help you if you need it? If not me, will you let them?”
“Why would they want to help me? We aren’t dating, what if this is just for the summer?”
“Is it?”
“I don’t know. Butt out of my relationship - or not relationship. Whatever it is, butt out. You’re not part of it. I’ll let whoever I want to help me, or I can handle it on my own. I’m pretty fucking good at that, in case you forgot already.”
“Just, promise you’ll lean on James and let them lean on you. I like that you have each other, it’s good. If you like them, just let yourself have something good. Okay Reggie?”
“Yeah, whatever.” He tries to shut them down again.
Luckily he doesn't have to try very hard. They go quiet. They let him have the final word for once. As kids that was never the case. Sirius alway had the final word. In everything. With him, with their teachers, with their parents, anyone. They always had to have the last word. To make that easier, they seemed to always have something to say. Not necessarily meaningful, but something nonetheless. It was often very annoying.
It’s not annoying now that they are quiet. Letting their argument fizzle out. Maybe it’s because James is right there, standing in the doorway. Likely having heard the end of their conversation. Fight. Whatever you want to call it. Instead of going to Sirius like he expects them to, they walk straight to him. Regulus won’t meet their sibling’s gaze, so he can’t be sure, but he must look more distressed than they do at the moment. At least he assumes that’s why James comes to him with a hand outstretched.
“Come on,” They say softly, waiting for him to grab on.
He hesitates. Of course he does. He doesn’t trust this, he doesn’t know if he can. Regulus has only ever trusted instinctively once. It’s never gone well. He doesn't know who he can trust. For so long it was just Sirius, his instinct was to trust his sibling. The first person he ever truly knew. And that didn’t exactly end well. So why should he trust James potter of all people.
He’s selective. He’s careful. He’s guarded. It’s just who Regulus is. It took him a long time to really trust his friends, who now he trusts without a doubt in the world. It’s not hard to trust them anymore, even if it once was. Everyday he doesn’t question whether he can or not and that’s important to him. When he doesn’t have to think about it, then it’s easy.
But some days he does question if he can trust Sirius, after so many times of broken trust. Yet he always goes back. Like a dog after they've been hit. He can’t help it. He’s loyal and he loves like a dog.
James is different. He knows that James is a caring and trustworthy person. He knows that they have a big heart, a bleeding heart. He knows all of this through Sirius. Who trusted James more than him. That is the thing that makes this hard. There isn’t exactly trust by association. There’s broken trust by association. If Sirius trusts James, and Sirius has hurt Regulus, what’s to stop James from hurting Regulus if he trusts them.
Maybe none of it makes sense, it hardly does to him. And maybe he’s not the best at making decisions that will be good for him once his guard is down, so he takes the hand. It’s either that or storm out of here alone. Or sitting in this palpable silence, this suffocating silence.
“Go where?” He softly asks, hesitant still.
“I have a spot in mind.” Normally he would ask for more from James, but he doesn’t have any fight left in him for today.
He lets them lead him out of the cabin and over to the one they are staying in. At first he thinks they’re just going there, to get some space from Sirius. For just a moment he thinks of them all alone over there, stewing in the mess that they started. But that shakes away when James stops them on the deck of the cabin. He pushes the table up against the wall of the house, now dropping Regulus’ hand to do so.
“What are you doing that for?”
“Well we need a way to climb up, do you have any better ideas?” They look at him, waiting.
“Well, no. This was your idea in the first place.” Regulus sighs, looking to where James’ gaze has landed. “We’re really going up on the roof?”
“Our treehouse has been taken over, so yes we are.” James matter of factly states as a smile blooms on their face. “Come on, up you go.”
He wants to argue again, normally he would. Instead he steps up on the table and lets James boost him onto the roof. It’s not that high, but the view is stunning. Better than down on the deck. Here there is a clearing through the tall trees that usually block the view of the lake from the cabin. He can see the crystal water, entirely still and calm. Not a single ripple running through. Just like it is in the early morning hours. It seems no one has touched the lake today. A moment later, James is pulling himself up, struggling only a little bit.
Even still, and despite his mood, Regulus manages a laugh. His legs flail just a bit as he struggles up. When he succeeds, he seems to be out of breath. Which of course Regulus has to laugh at. He made it up here no problem, granted he did have James’ help, but really. It’s not that hard.
“Scooch over. Did you not see the blanket I set up?” James urges him to move, making room for him.
Admittedly, no he did not see any of it. He didn’t look anywhere other than out over the lake, or at James having a difficult time. He turns now to see multiple blankets, a pile of snacks, and even a pillow from the couch inside.
“Is this what you went to do?”
“Maybe…” James settles in and pulls him in. “What happened in the time I was gone?”
This is hard. It’s so fucking difficult for him to think about or talk about. In general, but also because this is James. And well, he’s still the James that Sirius ran from him to. The new family that Sirius claimed for himself, when Regulus wasn’t enough. He still isn’t, this is still his chosen family. That’s what he is always going to be. No matter what happens with them, there will always be that.
Though James is still… James. And he can't help but want to accept the comfort that is being presented to him. Regulus wants this, even with all of the strings attached and all of the complexities that his past presents. Even with all of that, James is possibly the best thing he has ever known, the best thing he has ever come close to having.
“Sirius was asking about next year. Wants to make sure I have a plan and that I’ve thought about paying for school and everything. It doesn’t really matter.” He stammers.
“It can matter.” James’ hand is resting on his thigh, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb. “You don’t have to brush it off. I want you to have a plan too.”
“I do. It’s fine. Sirius said he’ll pay for it. I just don’t care, I don’t want to accept their help. I know they’re only doing it because they feel bad for leaving me there.”
“They do feel bad, they do regret that. I promise she does. She talks about it all of the time. She talks about you all the time. But it’s not pity that drives them wanting to help you. It’s love, Reg.” His voice is soft, but the words hardly mean anything. Not coming from James.
“It’s fine. It’ll be okay.” Regulus brushes it off, it’s easier to do that than talk about it.
He’s used to doing things on his own. He doesn’t need anyone to help. Since he was younger, since Sirius left, he has always prepared to do things on his own. Why should it be any different now? Sirius may be here now, they may be in his life right now. That is true. But what happens when they decide to leave again? What happens if they aren’t here, come next year. Really, they won’t be. They’ll have left uni and be off with a job and another new life that Regulus doesn't slot into.
So why should he let himself get used to having Sirius again when there is no way that it is going to last?
He shouldn’t even let himself get used to having James right now. He’ll leave too. Probably with Sirius, going off to have another version of their lives that he is not a part of. No matter what he is going to be on the outside of all of this. On the outside looking in at the life he should have been a part of. It’s not fair, but these are the cards he was dealt.
“It will be. I’ll make sure.” He confirms, though entirely unbelievable. “You have me now, I’m not going to let anything go wrong. I’ll take care of you however you let me.”
Those words mean everything. If he can just separate things in his mind, he can let those feelings feel good. It really is as easy as that. At least it can be for him. He’s always been good at compartmentalising. At shoving the things he would rather not think about to the back of his mind. Locking them away where even he can’t reach them without having to try very hard. This though, he just separated. Sirius is in one part, James is in the other. He can block out the connection between the two. Pretend he only knows James from here, there is no past for him to know with him.
Before he answers, he stares off in the distance. Letting the boxes move around in his mind while looking at the serene lake. The sun is still shining, but he thinks if they just sit here long enough today they can watch a beautiful sunset. There’s no need for them to move from right here. After all, right here nothing else has to exist. That’s what Regulus is making sure can happen right now. It takes a few minutes to sort through things, to get to a point where he can breathe again.
It is hardly noticeable. James doesn’t seem like he’s taken note of the change in his breathing or the shakiness present in his hands. It’s been there since he was sitting across from Sirius yelling and seething not even thirty minutes ago. But he does well to hide it, it’s better if that stays hidden.
Once he has that under control, once he’s steady and back to himself, he turns to them. He breathes and it doesn’t feel like barbed wire wrapping around his throat. He looks down at his hands which are now more still than the lake ahead of them. The memories in his mind are separated and organised, nothing is going to mess with them now.
“I’m okay. It’s okay. This spot is great, thank you for bringing everything up here.” Regulus notices the change in his own voice, though if James does he doesn’t mention.
“I’m glad. I wasn’t sure if you would. I’ve been trying to remember what snacks you like. Did I get that right?” There’s a slight nervousness to his voice, which is annoyingly adorable.
Nodding and looking in the bag of crisps and sweets, he confirms. “You did. Good choices, thank you. Did you bring what you like too?”
“Oh I’ll eat anything. I like all of these things too. I was thinking we could stay up here until the sun sets. If you want to. Maybe we’ll need to go down to get dinner, or we can just have the crisps as dinner. Whatever you want is fine with me, really.”
Regulus stops him before he starts to ramble, though maybe he’s already too late for that. “I was thinking the same thing. How did you know that?”
For a moment, James just looks at him. Tracing over his features, lingering when they lock eyes. They don’t say anything, Regulus wants them to say something. He used to want them to talk less, and now he hates whenever they aren’t. The silence doesn’t bother him, he’s comfortable in it. But that doesn’t take away from how he hangs on their every word, and never wants that to stop. James tortures him for a moment longer, the corners of their lips quirking up the slightest bit.
“I know how you think. You’ve told me a lot about you, I remember it all.”
There’s a pang in his heart, his throat is so tight he can’t breathe. Still, he says, “You never did find out my favourite colour though.”
“Didn’t I?” James tuts. “It’s green. But not just any green. You like the soft ones that have depth. Dark or light, but not right in the middle. Definitely not the kind of green someone pictures when you say green. Which is weird because it is the type of green you can find in nature. Grass is too bright, but the leaves on the trees are nice. I can keep going, unless I’m wrong?” He stops, bringing Regulus back to wherever he started to drift to.
“How did you…”
“Oh that’s easy. I figured it out a few days ago. Right around when you told me the story of when you and Pandora baked cookies.”
He looks utterly confused. “And that told you what my favourite colour is? I don’t believe you.”
“Well not only that, but it did help. Really solidified it for me to be honest.” He smiles, leaning his head on Regulus’ shoulder.
They’re not pressed up against each other, so it’s a little awkward the way his head is leaning, but they make it work. He feels in a daze sitting here with him. Both feeling off in the clouds and hyper aware all at once. James somehow sees him. No wall blocking any parts of him. He sees him entirely and clearly and more intensely than anyone ever has, and he’s not running away. That’s the wildest part of this. He’s not leaving, he’s not trying to get as far as possible from him.
“I don’t know how you did that.”
“It just makes sense, it matches who you are. Always right under your nose but still unexpected. Rough on the surface, gentle underneath. Polarising and uncompromising. It’s just you.” James talks with care laced through every word.
“Well what’s your favourite colour then?” He pushes back, trying to get the attention off of himself.
“You have to guess, I can’t just tell you.”
Regulus sighs and rolls his eyes, but thinks for a moment. He can do this. As much as James knows him, he should know them just as much. They talk for hours, surely something in there can help him with this. He flips through the memories from the last few weeks, coming up with absolutely nothing. Though James isn’t going to ask him for the same description and thought process, so really he can just guess. He just wants to win, to be good at everything, so he has to get it right.
It could be red. That feels like a James colour, right? Bright, loud, intense. Except that isn’t all that James is. They are lighter than that, softer, when you really look at them. Still in your face, but not in a bad way. Lighter red is usually pink, but that doesn’t feel right. Deep in thought he stares out over the trees, but it doesn’t tell him anything.
“Orange?” He guesses on a complete whim.
James pops up from where his head was resting and stares at him blankly. Possibly offended. Surprised at the very least, though the actual direction of emotion isn’t coming through. Trying to read him leaves Regulus more confused. He wants to just tell him to spit out whatever thoughts he has, or to just leave before being ridiculed for his lack of skill guessing favourite colours.
“If I’m wrong I can just… Jump off the roof or something. No need to laugh, really.” He stammers, half jokingly pushing himself up, but James darts out a hand to pull him back.
“You’re right Reg.”
“I am?” He hesitates. “Of course I am, yeah. It’s because you like sunsets and bright and happy things. Right?”
“Well no. I just chose it one day and never switched it to anything else. But I do like sunsets.”
“You are so ridiculous. You know that right? Absolutely insane, what the hell goes on inside your brain?” Regulus huffs, crossing his arms over his chest.
James smiles at him, laughing and shaking his head. It’s the most wonderful sound. Pure joy. It’s intoxicating. Despite trying his best to keep a stoic face, to keep his brows furrowed, he can’t help but join in. They laugh together, it’s warm and it’s nice. He can’t get enough of it. He doesn’t want to leave here. A thought he never believed he would have. Especially not because of James, and yet here they are. Laughing in each other’s arms sitting on a blanket on the roof.
As their laughter dies down, softly and slowly, Regulus turns to look at him. Admiring the creases by his eyes, though they’re only slightly visible behind his glasses. The messy yet perfect way the curls of his hair fall in front of his face. The way the sun makes him look like he’s glowing. All of it is mesmerising. He can’t look away. He can’t get close enough, but he can try.
His hand reaches over to cup his jaw. Regulus presses their lips together and is met with equal want. They are on a collision course, maybe they always have been. The two were meant to fall into each other. Catch each other as they fall. Pull each other back from the edge of the cliff, or just go over together. He doesn’t quite care which, as long as it’s James he goes with.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REMUS
The tension within the group that has been here for days now, seems to have lifted. They’re all able to sit in the treehouse together without issue. Mary and Lily are talking and everything is okay. With six of them in here though, it’s not exactly spacious. It’s not small by any means, but Remus isn’t sure that it was meant for this many grown people all at once. He’s not worried that it will fall, but he’s not not worried that it will fall.
That’s just one reason he comes up with to leave after an hour or so of hanging out. The main reason is that after only five minutes, the empty spot next to him that Sirius would usually occupy felt empty. No one pointed out how she didn’t join, so Remus didn’t bring it up either. At first he thought she would just be trailing farther behind the group, and then too much time passed. She wasn’t coming. And he has no idea why. Remus carried on with everyone else, trying to push out the thought that she didn’t want to come out of his mind. Nothing is wrong, maybe she just wanted to talk to her brother.
Now that they have been here for a while, and Sirius still doesn’t show, he wants to go back. Check on her, or just spend time with her. That’s more accurate, she’s okay. Sirius doesn’t need someone checking on them all the time, definitely not Remus. But he can still want to talk and just be together. That’s not a crime.
Maybe it’s just the fact that he and Sirius are… well whatever they are. There’s no underlying reason why no one else is wondering where they are. There were no plans today, so everyone is free to do whatever they want. And if Sirius wants to hang out at the cabin, they can. If Remus gets up to go, everyone might follow him. If not right away at least soon. Their whole group seems to always have a hive mind about things.
He waits for a break. A gap in conversation where he can slip out. If he were right next to the ladder he could just do it, but he’s not. He will need at least two people to move for him to manage. Notably, the two most stubborn people in here right now, though Sirius is the real winner in that category. Marlene and Lily. But he can sweet talk both of them, get them to move their butts so he can go inside.
“Anyone know who’s cooking tonight?” Peter asks, providing a perfect opening.
Remus starts to push himself up to leave. “It might be Sirius, I can go check. I was planning to head inside soon anyway. The wooden floor isn't exactly comfortable for me.”
“Oh yeah, of course.” Mary moves aside despite not being in his way at all.
“Oh come on, don’t go!” Marlene whines.
“Yeah Re, stay! Or we can all go in!”
“Don’t worry Lil, stay here as long as you want. I just er- I want to go talk to Sirius anyway. Two birds and all that, you know.” He steps around them holding an arm out to balance.
There are a flurry of boos and whining that ring in his ears the whole way down the ladder, but he ignores them. If he has to guess it will only be another twenty minutes at most before they all figure out that he’s right about how comfortable it is and end up back in the cabin. Remus makes his way through the trees and shrubs that aren’t fully forming around a path. No wonder they didn’t find the treehouse before now, it’s barely visible unless you know it’s there.
The cabin looks to be quiet and empty as he approaches. Maybe they all went back to the other one, but he checks anyway. When he gets to the door, he can see the back of Sirius’ head peeking over the sofa. No one else is here, so that means James and Regulus went off together somewhere. They’ll show back up eventually, or at least James will, so it's no use looking for them. He slides the door open and watches as Sirius pops up, sitting up straighter and shaking their head just slightly.
“Remus?” Their voice croaks.
“Yeah, it’s me. How’d you know?”
“The sound of your footsteps.”
He walks around to the other side of the couch to sit with them. They look tired, but not quite like they have been taking a nap. Their eyes look heavy and the bags that are typically present look more prominent. At least he thinks that is true. He can’t be sure. This morning he didn’t get a good look at them. Not that it matters. Sirius is still beautiful, they still make his heart skip a beat when they lock eyes.
“Everything alright?”” He cautiously asks, knowing better than pushing too hard.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m okay.”
He couldn’t be less convinced. That just sounds… like a complete lie. Sirius has been okay before and they have said those exact words with much more conviction. Something has to have happened, but Remus isn’t sure how to figure it out. If Sirius won’t tell him, then he’s at a loss. All he can do is take what they say at face value.
Because he isn’t very good at doing that, and because he only wants to help, he pushes just once. “Did something happen?”
“Just talked with Regulus for a bit. Didn’t exactly go as planned. Everything is fine.” They brush it off again, but give up just a bit more information.
He can do something with that. He can talk to Regulus when he sees him and make sure that it really is okay. Even if that is not all that it is, it’s something. Having things be good between the siblings is important to Sirius. It drastically affects their mood all the time. If things are bad with Regulus, then they are upset. If things are good, then they are good. It’s annoying often times because Remus can’t fix their brother, but it makes sense.
“Alright. If you want to talk at all, I’m here.” He pauses, debating if he should continue. He goes in the entirely opposite direction. “Peter wanted to know who is making dinner, I think it’s your night. Right?”
“Oh- yeah it is. I’ll work on that. Thanks for the reminder.”
They immediately stand up, still heavy but slightly more alive. Like a ghost they walk toward the door to go back to the other cabin where the majority of food is. He chases after. Of course he does. Now that he came back to be with them, he’s not going to leave them or let them go back off on their own. Not when he knows that they are stuck in their head about whatever they talked to Regulus about. Back in their cabin, they open the fridge to rummage through. Remus comes up behind them and when they look up, their eyes are glassy.
Were they glassy just minutes before? Have they been crying this whole time? Or are they just on the brink of crying now? If that’s true, then it must be something that he said. He’ll tear himself apart for causing this if he did. Except they don’t react to him seeing this. They just blink and then it’s gone. Their eyes look exactly as they always do. No tears, no sign of past or future tears. Nothing.
“Can I help you?”
“That’s what I was coming to ask you.” Remus throws back.
“Oh, alright. Sure. Can you just chop that onion for me? Actually, I can do that if you can work on the chicken.”
It doesn’t get past him the switch. He knows that onions will make either of them at least tear up. If they can’t stop the tears for longer, of course they’re going to use the onion as an excuse. Or Remus is just reading too much into this. They might just be fine.
“You got it.” he nods.
They work in silence. It’s a weird silence. Usually music would be playing throughout the room but neither of them put any one. They both quietly work on their parts of the food, neither saying anything. Remus can only find the words to ask about their conversation with Regulus, or ask to confirm that they’re okay, but those won’t do. So he stays quiet. Choosing the safe option over taking the leap. Or reaching over the edge of the cliff to see if they need to be pulled back up.
Slowly the others pour back into the cabin. He knew they would. They all went back to the other cabin to look for them, came up empty handed, and are now walking through the door. Delighted by the sight of food being prepared. No one really had an actual lunch today, so dinner will be earlier. No one minds.
“Has everyone just been in the treehouse all afternoon?” Sirius quietly asks him, standing shoulder to shoulder while they pass food between them to carry on cooking.
“Yeah, that’s all anyone did. There were no plans today. Is there anything tomorrow?”
“There were plans today.” This time their voice is no louder than a whisper, but he hears them. “We were supposed to make snow cones. I went out yesterday to get ice and everything else we would need.”
“Why didn’t you say?”
“I did, around the fire yesterday. But it’s okay that no one remembered. It’s good that you all found the treehouse instead. We can use the snow cones another time.” They dismiss, going right back to focusing on dinner.
He’s wracking his brain. Nowhere in it can he remember them mentioning this. Which might be worse than just forgetting. But he can fix this. Maybe everyone else just forgot too, or they were waiting for Sirius to initiate it. It’s not too late. It’s a warm night, so having them as dessert would still be good. Everyone would like that.
There's not too much left to prepare for dinner. Most of it is in the oven now and they just have to wait for it to be done. By now James and Regulus have emerged out of thin air apparently and have joined everyone else. As soon as he’s finished washing his hands he leaves the kitchen. Sirius can more than handle watching the food in the oven while he goes to fix everything else.
“Hey,” Remus starts, though remembering to lower his voice. “Do you remember Sirius mentioning that today we were going to make snow cones?” He asks first to Lily, who has the most inside information on the plans for the summer.
“Hmmm for today? I don’t know.” She shrugs, then turns to ask more of the group.
No one remembers. But now they all know. Once Lily didn’t know, he devised that he could get everyone on board now. They could do it now and everyone will be excited about it. If this was the other thing bothering Sirius earlier, now it’s fixed. The tears they shed can be cleaned up and everything is okay. That won’t be a lie anymore.
Remus still can’t fix whatever Regulus said to hurt them, but that’s not for him to do. At the very least Regulus seems content with the new snow cone plan and is on board to set it up after dinner. He’ll even help so that Sirius can just enjoy. It will be good. He likes when he can fix things. Especially for Sirius, he’ll do anything for Sirius.
Dinner goes by quickly and everyone talks through the whole thing. It’s a miracle they all actually finish their food as fast as they do. Sirius is quiet for the most part, but they try to slide into conversations when they can. Only for a few moments, and then they are back and staring at their plate. Mary and Peter offer to clean up, and as they start doing that, Remus slips out to the other cabin. In the freezer he finds the ice Sirius bought and James is off finding the flavours they bought.
Regulus makes his way over and gets to work helping him out. “Do you know what you’re doing?”
“No, do you?” Remus eyes him.
“Not really. We can figure it out. You said Sirius is excited for this?”
He rubs the back of his neck, trying to figure out how exactly to talk to their little brother about this. “They ah- it was supposed to happen earlier. No one else remembered so they tried to drop it. That’s when I enlisted everyone to help out. Get everyone on board.”
“That’s good, it’s good that you did. He’ll appreciate it, I think.”
“You can tell me to fuck off, but I have to ask. What happened with you and him earlier?” He goes for it, not knowing the next time he would have the chance.
So Regulus explains. Sirius wanting to help and do more for him, being a good older sibling. Though to Regulus he pushed more than he should have. Overstepping and getting harsh. Things often boil down to fights with the two of them, but they’re always okay afterwards. This just stings more to Regulus because it brings up when Sirius left home. He doesn’t say as much, but Remus knows. He wasn’t there for it all, but he knows.
Luckily everyone else starts coming over, though Lily is with Sirius until he texts her that they’re ready. It breaks the tension. Regulus goes back to his quiet and stoic self, and Remus carries on organising everything. Making the bowls of shaved ice with the blender and setting them up in a row on the counter. The flavours are all out and ready for everyone to make their own.
The last bowl is made just as Lily and Sirius walk through the door. He wants to look over and see Sirius’ face light up, but when he does, they look exactly the same. No surprised look, no excited look, just Sirius.
“Snow cones?”
“Yeah! Remus told us we were supposed to make them today, so we thought as dessert would be good.” James smiles, that should do the trick.
It doesn’t.
“We’re all excited. The flavours you got look great. I haven’t had a snow cone in ages.” Marlene chimes in.
Still nothing.
“You get the first bowl, Sirius. What can I get for you or you can make it yourself?”
Silently they trudge over to the counter and take a bowl. They cover it in strawberry syrup and then walk away and over to the chair they were in this morning. Off in the corner on their own. He leaves them be for a moment, knowing that’s probably what they want. Then he makes his own, opting for cherry instead, and goes over. There isn’t room on their chair or a chair close by, so Remus just sinks to the ground.
It’s not comfortable. His joints hate it, especially after sitting in the treehouse, but he doesn’t mind. He wants to sit with Sirius so that’s what he will do. Everyone else chatters on in the kitchen and makes their own bowls, but he doesn’t pay them any mind. His focus is just on Sirius as he likes it to be. They don’t look at him.
“Thanks.” They mumble.
“You don’t have to thank me. This was your idea.” Remus playfully nudges their knee, hoping that they will look up.
“Everyone is only doing this because of you. Not me.” Sirius huffs. “It’s fine, it doesn’t matter. Don’t worry. There’s no reason to.”
That’s what he does. For now at least. Remus won’t worry, he’s not worried. If Sirius says he shouldn’t, then he won’t right now. No one else is worried, so there probably isn't anything to worry about. He’s reading into it. If this were anyone else, he wouldn’t be seeing it the same way. This is just because it’s Sirius. Because things between him and Sirius are still uncertain. Just as they always are. Nothing else is wrong, he’s just overthinking.
That’s all it is. That’s all it can be.
He wouldn’t know what to do if there actually is something to worry about.
End of Act One