take care of you and yours

Standing on the edge of a cliff, it’s where you’ve always been really. Falling, falling, falling. 

This time you jump. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

You don’t always get what you want. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to for the people around you. For the people that you care about. It’s not always fun and it’s not always fair. Even so, you do it anyway. It’s easier than upsetting anyone. You just might complain the whole time. But who is that hurting?

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

PETER

This summer is supposed to be relaxing and fun. It's a break from their usual early morning classes and constant studying. And a lot of the time it has been that. A lot of the time they are all just having fun. When there has been drama and fighting, Peter stays out of it. He doesn’t want to get in the middle of any of it or be the one to cause any rifts. Successfully, he has not. There’s nothing for him to fight about. 

The one issue with this remaining relaxing and fun is the fact that sometimes he is rudely woken up before the sun has even risen. Not once, not twice, but now three times. For four weeks he would say that is well… three times too many. He would much rather just watch the sun set when that requires absolutely no change in any one’s sleep schedule. Being woken up to the sound of pounding on his door, is honestly rude. 

He doesn’t like it. The first time it happened, he was given a warning the night before. That didn’t actually mean anything to him, because he had no plans to actually get up. Everyone else would follow Sirius to the best spot at the cabins to watch the sunrise, and he could remain peacefully asleep in his room. Peter was perfectly content with that. 

What actually happened involved a lock being picked, him being dragged from the bed, and water thrown in his face. He was not happy. He’s honestly still not. 

But that was a lesson learned for the second time. Well, technically the third because they all also were forced out of bed quite early for the day they went hiking. For the second sunrise he got up but he remained wrapped in his blanket through the entire thing and trudged back to bed immediately after. He fell back asleep very easily, seeing as he had barely woken up. Peter woke around one in the afternoon again that day to everyone else, also exhausted, but continuing with the day. 

Today he doesn’t fight either. At least not at first. He’s not in the best mood because he wasn’t given a warning last night. They didn’t stay up all hours drinking around the fire, but they were still up pretty late. Much too late for him to get in eight hours of sleep before the sun starts to rise. That’s the issue with the sunrise being at essentially half past four in the morning, it’s too fucking early. To his either luck or unluck depending how you look at it, he forgot to lock his door last night, so Sirius was able to just walk right in and shake him awake. 

A slight improvement to the inane banging on his door, but still not enjoyable. He glares at them the entire walk to the lookout. Literal daggers going into the back of their head from his eyes. He’s not happy and he is in fact going to complain about it. Maybe not right now, it’s too early for that. But as soon as he’s awake enough to speak, oh that is absolutely the first thing he will do. 

Typically Peter speaks in hums and grunts until it’s at least nine in the morning. And that’s being generous. That’s on a good day. On the worse of the days, it’s sometimes noon before he actually feels up to talking. He just likes to sleep, and prefers to not get out of bed when it is still dark out. Darkness is nighttime, not morning. Once again his blanket is wrapped around his shoulders, but he learned to make sure it doesn’t drag on the ground. It took three washes to get out some of the mud from last time. 

“It looks cloudy, but not too bad. I think it’ll be a good one.” Sirius says to no one in particular. 

There are a few hums of agreement, but no one says anything. They seem to be the only one awake enough right now to talk, though they don’t speak again. Sirius sits first and everyone gathers around them. Peter finds a rock to sit on further back from the group who mostly opts for the ground. Remus sits next to Sirius as expected while James and Regulus are off to the other side together. Mary plops down and Lily follows suit, though Dorcas takes their other side. It’s an interesting dynamic to say the least. Marlene is over by Remus, staying away from that. 

No one sits with Peter which is just as well. He doesn’t want anyone to actually. This makes it easier for him to remain quiet and he can even let his eyes shut a bit. He won’t fall asleep out here. As much as he loves sleep and could sleep all of the time, he also has to be comfortable to do so. This rock isn’t exactly comfortable, so he just rests his eyes. 

“It looks nice.” Mary notes, so he opens his eyes. 

He won’t say the colours beginning to paint the sky aren’t pleasant, he just doesn’t care all that much. This isn’t his sort of thing. He is here because other people want him to be. That’s it. If he had his choice he would be back in his bed. Which is exactly what he plans to say when he has the energy to talk. Whenever that is. He will make sure that he gets left out of the sunrise excursions from now on. 

The sky goes from basically black to a dark blue to bright reds and oranges. Yellow starts to bleed in as the sun reaches the horizon. They aren’t looking over the lake, but there’s a clearing on the other side of the hill that they can see through. The horizon is clear cut so when they first see the sun, it’s right when it is first able to be seen anywhere. It is a good spot to watch the sunrise, for anyone who cares about that sort of thing. There are shades of pink and purple mixing it toward the edges of the color as it overtakes the darkness. 

They stay there until the whole sun is visible. Well, if there were no clouds it would be wholly seen. But the circle of it is above the line of the earth. Then Lily starts to get up, and quickly everyone follows. They turn around and see him sitting there, barely paying any attention to the main event and just laugh. 

“You could have just stayed back if you didn’t want to watch.” Lily shakes her head. 

He forces words out, sounding hoarse. “Didn’t work the last time I tried to get out of this. I will not be doing this again.”

“Good luck with that.” Marlene pats him on the back as they pass by. “Sirius loves this shit, you can’t get out of it.” 

“Just you watch.” 

He trudges to the cabin, still at the back of the group. Walking painfully slow, because others are already walking at a snails pace. He just wants to be on his own, he doesn’t want to keep talking at the moment. So taking at most one step every thirty seconds is what he needs to do. That’s fine by him. 

He is however hopeful that someone will be making breakfast when they get back to the cabin. It’s not his day, so someone else better have something planned. Otherwise he will undoubtedly make his way back into bed for the foreseeable future. There is a pot of coffee waiting for them, freshly brewed. Remus must have put it on before they went outside. He surely got a heads up about this morning, unlike Peter.

That will put him in a slightly better mood. Coffee usually does. Peter is the farthest thing from a morning person, but he loves coffee and he loves breakfast. Both of these things he prefers when they are consumed at a reasonable time, but if someone else puts it in front of him, that’s fine by him. 

Settling into one of the chairs in the living room, he waits. Blanket tightly around him and his head resting on the back of the chair. Now he can comfortably close his eyes. If he falls asleep, then he falls asleep. No problem with that. He does start to feel himself drift off. Though the smell of someone cooking bacon and eggs, keep him conscious. 

“Peter!” He eventually hears someone yell. 

“What?” his eyes jerk open and his shoulders tense. 

“Breakfast is ready. Wouldn’t want to sleep through that now would you?” Marlene teases.

Unfortunately no one carries a plate over to him. He has to walk all the way to the kitchen and put food onto a plate for himself. It’s to be expected, but that doesn’t mean he likes it. When he cooks he doesn’t do that for anyone else, but it would be nice if someone did for him. It would take a step out of the equation, especially when he is still so tired. 

Slowly he shovels food into his mouth. It tastes delicious and he savours each bite. He may be full enough after this to go back to sleep for a few hours. As long as there are no other plans that he hasn’t been filled in on that he’s not allowed to miss. Knowing Sirius, there probably are. 

“That was a nice sunrise.” Sirius once again says to no one. 

Peter however takes this as his opening. “Why do we keep doing this?”

“What do you mean?”

“You forcing us to all get up at ungodly hours just to watch the sky. The sky is always going to be there. We see it all the time. What’s so fucking special about watching the sunrise?” He starts to get heated, though this is just the beginning. He can feel the rage and annoyance bubbling in his chest. 

“It’s just nice. The world is quiet and we don’t get to see sunrises like this back in London. So I guess why wouldn’t we?” They quietly respond. 

He doesn’t match their tone in the slightest, they clearly don’t see that he’s actually upset. “I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s stupid. It’s the summer I’m supposed to be able to sleep in as late as I want. Who made you fucking queen of everything? Why do you get to dictate everything we do and when we wake up? Not to mention how you don’t tell any of us anything about what we are doing. I’m over it. The second half of this trip, I’m done. I’ll do what I want yeah?”

“Okay.” Sirius drops their head. “This was my last sunrise anyway. No more.”

Well, good then. That’s what he wanted to hear. No more waking up at fucking four in the morning. Peter can do as he pleases and no one will tell him otherwise. And no one will splash water on him when he chooses to do something that goes against the plan. It’s better this way. This way he will actually enjoy the rest of the summer without annoyance and anger building in his under the surface. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Not everything goes to plan. Not everything works out. Sometimes you know that you aren’t going to be the winner, you aren’t going to get the happy ending you so dreamed of. Sometimes that’s just how things go. Someone has to draw the short end of the stick. It’s just the way things go. You can see how you want your life to be so clearly, as if it’s a vision from the future, and it can still end differently. Not everyone gets a good life or to be loved by the people you love. The cards can’t be in everyone’s favour.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

MARY

Being near Lily is hard. She isn’t sure how to keep doing it after everything. They talked and things are supposedly fine. But Mary is still keeping secrets and she can’t stop. There is no easy way for her to tell Lily about the things she said when they fought, or about the feelings that are burning so bright and hot in her chest. She just can’t, so she does the best she can. She tries to bury them as deep as they can go. 

Maybe one day they will be so far down that she can’t feel them anymore. So deep that she can forget they are there. Or even maybe they will be replaced by new feelings for someone else. Though all of that is unlikely. How could anyone be better than Lily? How could she love anyone more than she loves Lily? It’s just not possible because Lily is, well… Lily. 

There is something special about her. Something electric. It feels like she’s on fire whenever they are near, like one look from Lily could send her up in flames. Everything about Lily is infatuating, her charm, her laugh, her eyes. Every little thing that Mary has spent years studying and learning the little details and intricacies of them. There isn’t a single thing about Lily that she doesn’t love. Except for maybe that their heart doesn’t belong to her. 

As soon as everyone starts to go their separate ways after breakfast, she goes down to the dock. It’s easy to think there. Looking out at the clear water, she can be in tune to her feelings and sort through things. It’s what she needs right now. To be on her own when no one would understand what she’s feeling right now. Mary can’t even put it into words. 

The thing is that love has always been foreign to her. When she was just a little girl her parents got divorced. There was no big fight, no cheating or hurt involved. They just realised that they no longer loved each other. Mary was six. For ten years, her parents had loved each other. And then sometime between her turning six and her turning seven, it had apparently faded. 

It was mutual and they are still friends. Which is weird to her. Everyone else she knows that has divorced parents say that they can hardly be in the same room. That has never been a problem for her. All holidays are still spent as a family. All of her recitals and events growing up were other times that both her mum and her dad came together. She’s pretty sure they see each other for tea every once in a while not even for her sake. Just because they have spent so long being friends that it would be weird to go long stretches of time without each other. She loves that they do that. She just doesn’t understand. 

Until Lily, she has never loved anyone like this. She had never loved anyone in a way other than platonic. When the feelings started, she didn’t know what they were. In books and movies, she could see what loved looked like, she could read about characters falling in love. But that’s all fiction, that’s not how it really is. Everyone has it wrong. It’s a force that over takes you and you don’t know you’re falling until you are crashing into love. 

Though in most stories, someone catches you. Someone is there to love you back. The problem here is that Lily does, just not in the same way. They say they love each other all the time. As friends. For the last year, about, Mary has always meant it more intensely. It’s real love to her, not just best friends. 

Her parents are still friends even without the same love they once felt there. She’s never asked what it feels like to sit together without the romance that was once between them. To them it’s probably still good, their bond isn’t severed. But that’s because they both fell out of love. She’s never asked about that either. They told her is was mutual and neither parent seems to be struggling to be around the other, so she believes it. To her knowledge neither of them still harbor those kinds of feelings. 

That doesn’t help her here. It doesn’t tell her what to do now. She knows that Lily doesn’t love her back. She knows that they are in love or at least falling for someone else. All she can do is hope that they’ll be caught instead of being left to fend for themself through it. She thinks Dorcas will catch them, so she should be happy for them. She’s trying to be. 

She just doesn’t know how to still be around Lily when the love she has in his chest is going to eat her alive. Her parents don’t have that. One of them isn’t suffering still in love while the other has moved on. There’s no example for what she should do now. Mary is on her own in this. That feeling overtakes her brain while her heart is full of love. Well, mostly. Slowly the anticipatory grief is eating away at her. If anything would push the love away it would be that, though they will just tangle together instead, just as they are starting to. 

The easiest thing she can think to do is leave. Her and Lily are meant to live together again back at uni. They kept their same flat for another year. But she can’t do that. Not when Lily will likely be with Dorcas by then. Not when she would have to spend every day pushing her feelings away while they only grow stronger with her presence so close by. 

There’s no way she can win here. Unless she goes. She won’t make it hard. A clean break. After this trip, that can be it. Simple, easy, clear cut. She’ll drop everyone off that rides back to London in her car and that will be it. That can be the end of her being part of this group. It will hurt less losing all of them than having to carry on loving Lily while she loves someone else right in front of her. It’s the only way she can see herself surviving. There may be a hole in her chest after this, but it’s better than the alternative. It’s better than being eaten alive by love. 

It will be hard, but what other option does she have? It’s the easiest choice, but it’s far from easy. Leaving all of her friends, leaving Lily behind, will tear her apart, but it’s what she has to do. Looking out at the still and glassy water, it’s clear to her. Finally allowing herself to think, she’s certain it’s what she has to do. And doing it this way, at the end of the summer, will be good. 

A clean break after a final hurrah. 

The silence sitting on the dock alone is broken by footsteps. She whips around, heart dropping into her stomach thinking it will be Lily. Of course it isn’t. Which means she doesn’t have to face her right now and face the decision she’s made. Instead it’s Sirius. They walk down the dock and meet her at the end, also hanging their feet over the edge. For a moment they stay there in the quiet, with just the sounds of nature filling the air. 

She’s not sure where everyone else is, and maybe she should find them all. Spend the last few weeks she has with them, actually with them. Which she will, just not right now. Mary needs a minute, she needs to compose herself before doing that. She needs to sit with the plan she’s decided on. Get to a point of acceptance with it before facing everyone again. She’s not crying, but there’s a familiar prick in her eyes that tells her she just might. He throat is tight and there’s that unmistakeable feeling in her chest. She forces it down for now. 

“What are you doing out here on your own?” They ask softly. 

“Just needed to think. Things are… I don’t know. It’s complicated.”

“I know complicated. If you want to talk about it…” 

She does, but she doesn’t. It’s too much to outright say any of it. “Everything is just- it feels like it’s falling apart. This summer isn’t going how I thought it would.”

“I feel the same way. It feels like it’s all wrong. I thought this would fix things but I think it’s only broken them more.” 

She’s hardly sure that Sirius is actually next to her and saying all of this. It’s exactly what she’s thinking. Echoing her thoughts back to her. They’re reading her like a book and it’s hard to hear. But it’s proving that it isn’t all in her head. This is how it actually is. Everything is going wrong. 

Coming here, even on the way, she felt like it was good. Her and Lily were best friends with no tension at all. It was how things always are. Mary was a shoulder for her to lean on and everything felt good. Simple as that. Things were good just four weeks ago. Mary didn’t feel like a back up option. 

Then with every passing day… She fell to the background. Mary wasn’t important, she wasn’t and still isn’t an integral part of this trip. Lily chooses anyone but her to spend time with. When they are together just the two of them it’s like she’s waiting for someone else to want her attention. And then there’s the night that Lily all but said she was waiting for, hoping for someone else to show up. Her face dropped and when she tried to save it and actually talk to Mary, it was all the clearer. She’s not needed, she’s barely even wanted. 

“I just wish I was someone’s first choice. I thought I was, I thought there was a chance. I’m just not even sure I’m their second choice either. I may as well be at the bottom of the list.” 

Even Regulus seems to be ahead of her with Lily. They have gotten along quite well, he has sought her out to talk to before and that’s reciprocated. All summer Lily has hardly come looking for Mary, but she’s always looking for someone else. It just doesn’t make sense. Aren’t they best friends? Even if Lily doesn’t love her back, they were still best friends. Now they aren’t anything, they never have to be again once Mary leaves. 

“I’m no one’s first choice either. I get it. But everyone loves you.” Sirius tries to comfort, but it only drives the knife further in her chest.

“You have Remus, you will always be first to him. And James. There’s also Regulus, and I know he’s your brother but it still counts.” She argues, but they don’t respond. 

It was stupid of them to say they know how she feels. They don’t. They have so many people who would put them first. Everyone here prioritises them. They’re all going along with all of the ridiculous plans they have made, mostly without complaint. Simply because it’s been Sirius that made them. If Mary tried to organise all of this, it wouldn’t go over the same way. 

She knows they’re only trying to help, but it stings. It’s rubbing salt in a wound that will never heal. Over and over again. Pressing on a bruise. It’s awful. No one knows how she feels. Even if Sirius thinks that they do, she knows they don’t. They are in love with Remus and Remus is in love with them. Everyone knows it, except for maybe the two of them, but it’s still true. The love is there. 

Unlike for Mary, who has a fire burning up her heart. It will keep burning until there is nothing left. And even then, she will still love Lily. From afar, no longer in their life, but the love will be there. It will always be there. She can’t get it to go away. It never will. Love doesn’t just disappear. Not when it’s Lily that she loves. 

“Not really, it’s okay. I don’t need to be their first choices. It doesn’t matter anyway.” Sirius shakes their head. They look like they have more to say, but they don’t. 

They sit there for a while longer, not saying anything. Her decision weighs heavy on her chest. It’s all she can think about, but she can’t say it out loud. Not to anyone at least. That makes it too real. She doubts that there is a future where she backs out of it now that she’s made up her mind, but she’s just not ready to face it. Four more weeks. Maybe closer to the end she cares to think about it. 

Then again, wouldn’t it be easier to just not ever say it. Just leave after all of this and not look back. There’s the last year of uni to think about, but really Mary wouldn’t be able to figure it out. She can just leave without saying anything. Or saying goodbye and meaning it forever when everyone else thinks it’s a see you later. That’s how she thinks she’ll do it. That might be the only way she can do it without breaking down. 

Despite that, words start to bubble up in her throat before she can stop them. “It feels like this summer is like a last hurrah or something.” 

What she doesn’t expect is for Sirius to agree without any rebuttal. “Yeah, it really is.” 

That. She has no idea what to do with that. Everything is falling apart. Everything Mary has known and come to love is unravelling in front of her eyes and she can’t put it back together. She’s coming untethered from her friends and can’t find the end of the string to tie it back around something. If she even wants to, that is. 

The other problem, the main problem with Sirius agreeing, is that she doesn’t want the rest of them to be lost. Mary is the one that needs to leave, but everyone else should still have each other. This isn’t the end for any of them, just the end of her journey with these friends. People that four weeks from now will live only in her heart rather than by her side. She is the only one that needs to feel that, the only one that needs to carry that burden. 

“Don’t- You don’t have to agree. It’s not the end. Not for you anyway.” She tries to assure them. 

Later on she’ll understand why Sirius didn’t question why she thought it was the end. But right now Mary is confused. More than that, she’s tired. Every day takes energy out of her soul, takes colour out of her face. Four more weeks, and then she’ll be able to breathe again. Or maybe not. She doesn’t even know what will happen between now and when she plans to leave. A lot can change. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

The little moments are not what matter most. Sure they are nice, but when all is said and done, that’s not what people are going to remember. Everything that seems to matter right now is so small when you look back. Even when it all seems so big, that’s just because it’s happening right now. You won’t remember what the air felt like or what colour shirt you wore. Instead you’ll remember the people, the feelings, the love. That’s what you should focus on. One day it might all be different and you’ll wonder why you ever fussed over the little things. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

DORCAS

This whole trip was originally a lot for them. It took some convincing. Constantly being around people for two months. Not exactly Dorcas’ ideal scenario. Except they came because they love their friends. Somehow that isn’t how it’s been. Whenever they want to be on their own, they can be. A surprising amount of alone time, really. 

Somewhere along the way, they stopped wanting it though. Instead they want to spend every free moment with Lily. They have no idea how it happened or when but they can’t think about anything else. Before this summer, they were friends. All of them were and are friends. That’s all it was. Dorcas doesn’t know when it changed. It just did and now they can’t imagine it any other way. 

Whenever they aren’t with Lily, they end up thinking about her. And whenever they are together, they can’t think about anything else. The entire world stops existing when they are together. It’s hard to focus on anything else around them. Even admiring the scenery and enjoying the lake takes a back seat. 

How could anything else be seen as pretty when there’s Lily. It all pales in comparison. When their red hair is brighter and more beautiful than the sun. Or at night around the camp fire when they can’t see anything aside from red hair illuminated by the flames. Dorcas isn’t at fault for any of this. There was no other way it could end except for them falling. Hoping to be caught by Lily. 

The thing is, there isn’t even a thing right now. For days, ever since they shared the bed while Lily and Mary weren’t talking, they have been trying to figure it out. There have been many opportunities, too many wasted opportunities for them to crash their lips together. Every time they almost do, they stop themself. It has to be better than sloppily in bed, or quick while they are walking in the trees. 

Nothing seems right. Nothing seems good enough. They aren’t exactly worried that it won’t go well, they are almost certain that Lily wants it just as much. There’s just- something stopping them. A few things maybe, though the biggest is just getting it over with. This isn’t something to rush or to just push through and do. This has to be right. 

First, they want wot be sure that Lily wants exactly what they want. Dorcas wants them, all of them, good and bad and everything in between. They don’t want just something casual. Though every quote unquote relationship they have had in the past has always been casual. Maybe that’s what is stopping Lily from being the one to kiss them first. She knows how they have been before. This time they want more than casual. They want all of the strings that could possibly be attached. 

That’s why they didn’t kiss Lily in bed that night, or that morning, or the next night. It couldn’t be in bed because it would very quickly and very likely lead to quite a bit more than kissing. Which to be clear, Dorcas also wants. Just on the right time, after they get to that point in their relationship. If they ever have one. 

Having a crush, because they are finally accepting that that is what this is, is utterly embarrassing. Dorcas can’t do anything without wondering what Lily is doing or what they would think about a butterfly that flew past them. She’s everywhere except for right with Dorcas and that’s what they want to change. They haven’t exactly done this before. The few people they have seen in the past started as a hook up and then became a more regular hook up, which turned into hanging out and hooking up all before it ended. Every time. Dorcas has no idea what they are doing. 

It just has to be right. The moment has to be good and right and as perfect as a moment can get. They want to wear the right shirt and remember to moisturize their hands so they don’t feel rough on Lily’s skin. They want to have their braids sitting right so when Lily opens her eyes after the kiss, she still likes what she sees. There are a million ways this can go wrong, and only a few it can go right. 

So they enlist some help. Or more so, help stumbles upon them where they are currently sitting on the steps of the font porch. They were going to go down to the dock, but Mary is there. Things are weird with Mary and they don’t know why or how to fix it. But Lily says they are okay now, though when she said that it was incredibly unconvincing. Dorcas didn’t argue, they just decided to keep some distance for now. 

Sirius nearly trips over their outstretched legs. “What are you doing out here?’ They question, looking very surprised. 

“It’s quiet over here. What are you doing here?” They turn it around. 

“Quiet, yeah. Can I er- join you? I can be quiet if you want.” 

Dorcas nods, tapping the ground beside them. “‘Course you can. I actually have something I want to talk to you about, as long as you don’t mind.” 

“Shoot.” They nod, sitting with their legs pulled up to their chest and they rest their head on their knees, looking deep in thought or just zoning out. 

At the beginning of the trip, and all the way back when Sirius and Lily first texted the whole group about it, they were told there were a million different things planned. That every day would have something and it would be the best summer ever. Simple, fun, a break from all of the things they stress about back at university. It would be perfect. So of course everyone loved the idea of it. 

Not to say that isn’t how things have been, because nearly every day there is something planned. And everyone takes turns making all of the meals. Most nights they will either be watching a movie or sitting around the camp fire or looking at the stars. While there is down time, there are no dull moments. Sirius thought of everything. Some days they are essentially given free rein, while other days there are activities planned, packing the entire day full. By the end half of them are ready to pass out before someone can even suggest having dessert. 

It’s been incredible. Their last summer before next year when they will all be off and getting jobs post uni. The perfect way to spend it. Not all of them will end up living in the same place, so of course they will be glad they have this. There are however, still times when nothing is going on. Dorcas has read more than one book, but since realising their feelings for Lily, they haven’t been able to do anything else. 

“What plans do you have coming up? I er- okay this is going to sound ridiculous….” They hate being even the slightest bit vulnerable.

“Hm? What were you going to say, I won’t judge.” 

“I want to find a time to do something special with Lily. I fuck you know I don’t do feelings. Never have and never thought I would.” They’re talking more than they should and they know it. Dorcas has always been the quiet one. “I want to kiss her. And I want to do it right.”

“There’s nothing really planned but I can help you figure it out. She likes you, you probably knew that I don't know why I'm even saying that, of course you know. Where do you want to do it?” Sirius brushes their thoughts away, bringing their focus back on Dorcas.

The two of them have always gotten along. Actually that’s a flat out lie. They used to butt heads. Sirius would argue against anything anyone said just for the fun of it, and most people seemed to just take it. Dorcas naturally did not. They argued back just as hard. It took a few months of being forced to hang out before they decided to ease up on each other. Their friends all loved each other, and they just happened to be in the same group. Not friends individually. 

Until one day. Everyone else was inside some noisy pub and Dorcas went out for a smoke. Sirius decided to go out not long after them not realising that was where they went. The two ran into each other and seemed to have the same idea. Fuck it, they can just stand there and smoke together in silence. And then they wanted to do it again, still retained it wasn’t on purpose. Except they did it four or five times before admitting defeat. 

Both being the stubborn people they are. Those were all just them going out from inside a noisy pub where they were drinking. Then one time Dorcas caved. They wanted a break and to relax and to get high. No one else was free that night, they tried multiple friends. Then they called Sirius and she showed up within twenty minutes. This time they talked for hours. 

If Dorcas were asked to name their best friends, Sirius has somehow climbed nearly all the way to the top. For awhile they were friends for the sake of the rest of the group. Glaring at each other from across rooms, snipping insults back and forth. All of the typical things you would expect. Dorcas however, was unfortunate enough to have decided that Remus Lupin was her best friend. He still is, but at the time that meant they had to put up with Sirius. They stand by the fact that if Sirius hurts Remus beyond repair, they will hurt them. That hasn’t happened yet, so now they are best friends too. It just happened one day and neither of them know how. 

“You are being ridiculous by the way. You should have kissed her so long ago.” Sirius forms a partial smile and punches their arm playfully. 

“This is coming from you? The one who has been in a what- three year long situationship with their best friend? When are you going to change that the way literally everyone knows you both want to?”  They spit out.

“Oh shut up. This isn’t about me. So, kissing Lily?”

“Kissing Lily. When? And Where? And genuinely how? I haven’t kissed anyone in so long, and definitely not outside of trying to just hook up.” Dorcas isn’t usually at a loss, but this time they are. 

“You do know that it doesn’t matter, right? Just kiss them. Do it before it’s too late and you end up with regrets. I can’t figure this out for you. There are no plans, so it doesn’t matter when you do it just do it.”

“Sirius come on, I was just messing with you. I actually want you to help. Please?”

“I said it doesn’t matter. You just need to do it. Or don’t. I can’t help you with this.”

Dorcas looks at them but they won’t meet their eyes. Sirius has curled in on themself even more and they don't know what to do. Something they said set them off. If this is about them and Remus and how they haven’t done anything to change their situation, well they don’t mean it. Everyone has been joking about it. The two of them are practically married except they won’t admit they have feeling for each other. Dorcas is just trying to stop them and Lily from getting to that point too. 

 They start to get up, breathing heavy and ignoring every time that Dorcas calls their name. In a last ditch effort, they reach out and grab their wrist. It’s promptly ripped form their hand and then Sirius storms off. This got them absolutely nowhere except for leaving them with an upset Sirius. Were they upset before or is this their fault? That isn’t even important, they just hate hurting their friends. 

It wouldn’t be wise to run after them. They know this. Specially from experience. It doesn’t go well. If Sirius walks away, they want to be left alone. They do not want anyone going anywhere near them. Sirius can be explosive when they are upset, and not many people know how to diffuse them. But Dorcas thinks they know what they did wrong and they want to fix it. They know they should. The best they can do is offer something in return. 

Sirius doesn’t get far before they catch up. They started to walk the long way down the drive back to their cabin, so Dorcas easily caught up to them. No one else is around, making it even easier. 

“I don’t want to talk.” They bite, without turning around to show their teeth.

“Come on Sirius, please.”

“I said no.” 

“I have weed. If you want?” Dorcas offers, digging the joint from their pocket. 

At this, they at the very least stop walking. They turn around slowly and rather than looking up to meet their eyes, they grab the joint and dig in their own pocket with their other hand. They seem to find a lighter very easily, pulling it out and lighting it with ease. The wind doesn’t pick up making it simple and then they drop the lighter back where it was. 

“I’m still not talking to you.”

“Okay, what if I just talk?”

“You can do whatever you want.” Sirius starts to walk back to where they were sitting before, not waiting for them to walk with them. 

They sit down in the exact same spot as before, but now leaning back against the cabin, head tilting back making it easier to smoke. This has always been their way of talking anyway. They became friends like this, they talk like this. It helps both of them. Dorcas knows they aren’t going to pass the joint back and forth with them, so they pull another one from their pocket. 

“Can I at least borrow your lighter?” They are met with it being held out in front of them, flame floating in the air. 

This is the time for them to talk. That’s what they asked for, or said they would do. Sirius doesn’t care and that’s fine. They just want to calm them down. It was their fault they set off anyway, so best they fix it before anyone else ends up victim to their wrath. 

Maybe talking about Lily is the wrong topic, but really that’s all that is on their mind. Dorcas can’t stop the thoughts about her. They have been sitting on the dock nearly every night with Lily and it has always been amazing. They keep learning more and more about her. Things they never knew and never thought they would know. For so long the two of them were a quiet place for each other. A silent haven to escape from the loud world around them.  A place where nothing mattered. 

They were more than willing to be that for Lily for all of that time. But now they can be more than just that. Not to say they can’t still exist in the silence together but they can listen to anything they want to talk about. Dorcas knows they have a lot going on but they will never force them to say any of it. If they want to, they can. But Dorcas will never force any of it. 

“I don’t want to be just friends with Lily. I want more. How do I get that?” They ask, knowing that there won’t be a response.

It’s easy to talk to the air. To talk as if no one is there. They just say the thoughts aloud. If Sirius wants to answer, he will. Otherwise he can just smoke his little joint like it is a pacifier. At lest they aren’t storming off anymore or going on some rampage about absolutely nothing. He could talk now if he wanted to. He could rant to Dorcas about whatever is on their mind. But he doesn't so they keep going. 

“I want to give her the world. Is that how you feel about Remus? I want to kiss her and I want to hold her. I just want her.” 

It’s weird to be voicing all of this. These are feelings they have held in their chest for probably longer than they realise. Which is weird to think about. It’s only been a few weeks of this, hardly even a week since they first laid next to each other in bed. And they want more. They need more. It’s unfathomable that they aren’t more yet. Dorcas could think up a million scenarios where they finally place their lips on hers, and none of them would be right. None of them would live up to what the real thing will be one day. 

They just have to get there. Some how. They will, they know they will. It’s just impossible to take that leap. 

Dorcas is standing on the edge of a cliff, just waiting. Someone either has to push them or they have to step off. But the falling will be worth it. They are already falling for her, might as well crash into Lily’s arms at the end of the fall, Right? 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Sometimes you just want to have fun. It’s nothing more than that. Spending time with friends is worth it on its own, even if its not a whole activity. Plans change and you can still find ways to have fun. The part of it all that is always going to be fun is spending time with the people you care about. What you do is just extra. Always remember to enjoy the time you have, you never know how much you have left. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

MARLENE

Everyone has been all over today. In and out of the cabin, in and out of bedrooms, in and out of conversations even. The whole time Marlene has just been hanging out. They tried going down to the dock earlier, but decided against it. Didn’t seem like Mary wanted company. So they stayed up at the cabin. No one stayed in their cabin for the day, so Marlene attempted going to the other one. Just to see if anyone was there. 

Today’s only plan seems to be the sunrise which has long since passed. She’s sure there will be dinner plans and likely a campfire, but aside from that she has no idea. Sirius hasn’t come by in a while for her to ask. Except now that she’s thinking about it, they waltz right in. Perfect timing. 

“Oh hey, is it just you in here?” Sirius looks only slightly confused. 

“James was here for a bit, but no idea where they went. I’m sure they’ll be back soon.” 

“Alright. Mind if I hang out?” Their voice is soft and almost a little shy. 

Of course Marlene nods. Not just because this is actually their cabin, not hers, but she loves to spend time with Sirius. They are one of her best friends in the entire world. Nothing beats hanging out with them. Truly she has never laughed as hard or had as much fun than when she’s with them. This summer included, they have planned everything so far, as far as she knows, and all of it has been fun. 

“Any other plans for today?” She attempts.

“No.”

“What about tomorrow?” She tries again, already a little disheartened. 

“No.” Sirius is even quieter. 

“Any fu-”

“No. Stop asking.” They cut her off, cold and unwavering. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you Black?” Is what she says, and it comes off very harsh. She down plays it with a light shove. 

Somehow this makes it worse. They shove her back, harder. Naturally, because what else would she do, Marlene continues shoving them, getting in a few little punches that would never even bruise. Except for on Sirius, who bruises unbelievably easily. They only come back harder. It goes back and forth for a while. Sirius doesn’t seem to be letting up, adamant in whatever mood they are in. So Marlene keeps going too, but tries her best to keep is playful. 

That’s not exactly easy to do, but laughing as she pushes and tries to block their jabs does the trick as best it can. Eventually they ramp up to shoving full force and Marlene feels herself falling over the back of the couch. She grabs hold of their wrists to make sure to bring them down with her. It’s only fair that way. At first they land somewhat side by side. Sirius still trying to pry their hands free to keep hitting her, while she controls them. Sort of. It’s not exactly easy. But she’s pretty strong, it works well enough. 

Enough that she can essentially flip them. Now Sirius is on their back, laying over the back of the couch with their head on the main cushions. She has no idea how they really got here, but here they are. Now Marlene has them pinned down. It’s the best she’s going to get. While they’re like this she can try to get a real answer out of them. Her leg is across their torso keeping them in place. 

“What are we actually doing the rest of the trip? If you don’t have any plans, what are we going to do? Just wing it?” She almost yells, but keep sit quiet. 

“I dunno.” Is all they say. Very quiet and almost gasping. 

Marlene tries to lift their hands up to pressure them into answering. “Come on, Sirius, be for real.” 

They just stare back. Not saying anything. Barely even breathing. Just staring. Well actually, they aren’t looking at her. They won’t meet her eyes. Sirius is just staring past her. Zoning out almost. 

“What is going on with you?” She questions. Then she scans them, looking for some show or some tell that they have when something is off. “What’s that? On your arm?” 

Now she’s sent almost flying backward. From their position they don’t have the leverage to really send her far past the couch, but she’s no longer holding onto them at all. She’s left standing and staring over the back of the couch at Sirius who is looking frazzled. They pull their sleeves down and situate themself to be sitting properly. Breathing deeply they pause. 

“Nothing. Can you just leave me be? You just had your fucking knee in my lung.” Sirius bites, with full teeth. They aren’t playing this time. 

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t- I didn’t know. You could have told me I was making it hard to breathe.”

“I would have if i could have fucking talked. You do know that talking requires breathing, right?” 

“Fuck, sorry. Are you alright?” 

“Fine. Whatever. It doesn’t matter.” They zone out again, still not looking at Marlene. 

“You have a fresh cut on your arm, what happened? It looks rough.” She presses again because she genuinely cares. 

“Nothing- I think i scratched it when i was walking through the trees earlier. I’m fine.” Sirius slowly comes back to themself, shaking off whatever just happened. 

For now Marlene takes a step back. Not physically, no in reality she walks around to the front side of the couch and sits. A fair distance from Sirius, but sharing the same piece of furniture. She really didn’t mean to hurt them. She though they were both playing. They have done this same thing countless times before. 

None of this is out of the ordinary. So really it isn’t a big deal. Maybe Sirius is just in a weird mood, they have been all day. Something happened with Peter, she thinks. She’s not sure exactly, but they got pretty mad at him too. So it is not just her. Which should make her feel better. 

It doesn’t. Something feels off, and if Sirius doesn’t go back to their usual self soon, she’s going to be worried. They get like this sometimes, but it never lasts for too long. They are always able to separate anything going on from other people that are not involved. So maybe it’s something that just happened with Regulus or something. And it is just fresh so they haven’t been able to separate it yet. 

They need to cool off. Then they will go back to having fun and making plans that the rest of them will just follow along with. Everything so far has been so much fun. Marlene is excited to see what will come next. This summer is perfect in their opinion. From racing in the lake to baking brownies and seeing which groups’ comes out best. All of it is fun. 

Really, she just likes to spend time with everyone. They have always been big on spending time as a group. Sometimes spending time one on one is a lot for them to handle. Growing up, Marlene had a big family. Many siblings running around at all times. She’s the oldest of five. 

The four below her are all boys. They love to run around constantly and that’s how she started to be a little rough around the edges. She had four younger brothers to help raise and to play with. Not to mention just dealing with being in a house with so many people, on top of all of her own shit. It’s not easy. 

But it’s what she is used to. A big family. She still of course has her family, nothing has happened to them. That’s not what she’s getting into. It’s just that when she is away from them, it’s hard to transition into the quiet of just being with one other person. Let alone by herself. 

Maybe today hasn’t been Sirius just being weird. Maybe Marlene just got antsy. They have bene alone most of the day since breakfast this morning. It can get to them quite easily. 

What they are trying to say, is that being around a lot of people is second nature. Everything feels right when it is a large group surrounding them. It’s easy, the pressure is not on her. Especially with this family here. Their second family, their family away from home if you will. She’s not the eldest, she’s not in charge here. The pressure is off, she can just enjoy. She can just have fun. 

Sirius usually makes that easy. With all of the activities and schedules, Marlene doesn’t even have to think. Thinking can be a lot sometimes. Her brother, the oldest of the four, is going off to university this year. Well, at the end of the summer. Just as she is going back for her final year. It makes her nervous. 

He’s never been away from home. Maybe she is starting to feel guilty about being here rather than spending time with him before he leaves. He’s going off to university a few hours away. Not too far that they can’t see each other sometimes, but far enough that he’s technically on his own. It’s fine, it will be fine. 

What she knows, is that it has to be fine. Once Sirius cools down a bit, she could probably pick their brain on it. Regulus came to their same university, so it is not exactly the same, but they did leave home. They know how it feels leaving a sibling behind not knowing what will happen. When Marlene left for university, she wasn’t that nervous for them. All four of them had each other. 

But now one of them will be on their own, and she hates it. What if he doesn’t find a family like she has? What if it’s harder on him than it was on her? There are so many ways it could all go wrong and she won’t be there to fix it for him. That’s what she hates the most. 

Eventually, Sirius doesn’t look like they are completely zoned out, maybe now would be good. They usually love to talk about Regulus, so it could smooth things over. They catch her staring, and start the conversation before she has the chance. 

“What are you looking at McKinnon?” They sneer. So maybe it’s not perfect, but it will have to do. 

She looks away from their arm where she was actually once again trying to see what it was. Of course it’s just a tree scratch, what else would it be? And Sirius said it was that, so it is. 

“I wanted to ask for your advice, I guess. Jonah is going off to university in September. He’s going to be hours away and all alone. I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t know. My brother came to the same uni as us, you know that.” They wave their hand flippantly, dismissing them. It’s unlike them to be so dismissive.  

Marlene sighs, trying to figure out a better way that they can explain. “I just- none of my brothers have been alone before. They have always had each other, and until I came to uni, they had me too. How am I supposed to just be okay with him being all alone?” 

“What else can you do? Sometimes there is no choice in it. He chose to go to uni far away, yeah?” She nods to confirm. “So he’ll be fine. You aren’t leaving him, he’s the one leaving for himself. Even if you were at fault for leaving, just make sure he has people.”

“How do I do that?” She weakly asks. 

“Go and visit, make sure his friends are good. If he has any partners, make sure they will take care of him. He has been yours for his whole life, let him be someone else’s.” 

“I don’t know how to do that.” 

“You’ll figure it out. Or it’ll just happen. It’ll be okay.” Sirius says, now back to the usual tone she expects. 

Playing with fire, she brings up Regulus, but also a night from years ago before she knew them. “You left him, but he came back. He’s still yours right? When do you- I don’t mean you specifically, just as an older sibling- when do you stop? When are you no longer responsible for them?” 

“He did. He’s not mine though, he has his people. They will take care of him.” They close their eyes, taking a breath as they think about it. “James has him now. I trust they’ll take care of him.” I have to. That’s what Sirius says under their breath, she’s not supposed to hear it. So she lets it go, they would do the same for her. 

“Can I ask-” She falters. “I never asked before and you never talk about it. Why did you leave the way you did, with Regulus left behind? I don’t think I could ever do that to my brothers…” 

Their eyes close. When they open again, a much more stoic Sirius is there. They stare back at her blankly. For a second she thinks they’re going to answer her. Tell her that they had no other choice, make her feel better about it all. Stop the worrying in her mind about her brothers. That’s not what they do. Instead they stand up and walk to the edge of the room. 

Without turning back, they just pause in the doorway to say, “You already did leave. It’s what we do.” 

Marlene doesn't look but by the sound of their footsteps, they’re gone. All she can think to do is pull out her phone and immediately text her brothers. If she could teleport home just to make sure they know she loves them, she would. There is nothing in this world she wouldn’t do for them. That’s just what siblings do. 

No matter what Sirius says, she knows it’s okay. Regulus is always a sore subject for them, that’s all it is. She just pressed on a bruise when Sirius was already in a sour mood. Her own fault. Even if she did leave years ago for school, she hasn’t left for good. She always goes back, she will always go back. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Timing is everything. It impacts everything you do. If you don’t love someone at the same time they love you or if you don’t talk about things before it’s too late, then that’s it. There’s no going back. You’ve lost your chance to make things work. You have to just try your best to get it right when you have the chance. Otherwise the moment will pass. You only get a finite amount of time before you’re falling over the cliff. A finite amount of time. That’s all you get. And you just have to try to make it all work. Before you fall and have no one to catch you or soften the landing. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

LILY

If they aren’t with someone and doing something, Lily is on their phone. More than usual, more the past few days than the entire rest of the summer so far. It’s no longer something they can control. The funny thing is, they aren’t talking to anyone. There are two unread messages, well they have been read just not opened or responded to. But that’s it. 

Even without talking to anyone, they have sent hundreds of texts. None go through. Lily had hope that the first one would two days ago. When it didn’t, she tried calling. That didn’t go through either. Maybe she should have taken that as a sign to stop. She didn’t, and she still can’t. Though she did throw her phone, cracking the top right corner. After shedding a few tears, she picked it back up and turned it off for the rest of the day.

That night they sent three more messages before falling asleep. It’s days later and now they have lost count of how many undelivered messages they have sent. None of them will ever go through. They know that now, or well they’re starting to come to terms with it. Lily barely knows how to actually talk to anyone right now. When they need to and are with their friends, they do, but it takes a lot out of them. Why talk to anyone else when the one person she wants to is so far out of reach?

The texts are from their parents. One is two days old and one came through today. Lily won’t answer, they don’t know what they would even say. But all day has been spent staring at the phone. Knowing that nothing is going to change no matter how long they look. None of the texts to her sister will go through. They never will again. At least the last text Petunia sent her is buried under the hundreds of undelivered ones Lily foolishly types out and sends. She doesn’t have to see it again unless she digs for it.

Which she will. Of course she will. Even if just to hurt her own feelings even more. To press on the bruise. To tear the gaping hole open a little bit more, one day if it starts to close, she’ll slash through it again as a reminder. To look over the edge of the cliff knowing that she won’t be there to catch her when she steps off. 

She should stop, she knows this. Lily is not stupid. She knows that what she is doing is only going to hurt her more. It makes it all worse. But what else can she do? Perhaps being around her friends would be good. Even if she won’t dare explain what happened, maybe being with this family of hers could make her miss her sister less. 

It takes some time, but after contemplating the idea of it for a while, Lily lifts themself out of the hammock and walks back up to the cabin. Unsure if anyone will be there, they haven’t paid any attention to where anyone is all day. Everyone must be either off together or everyone is on their own like them. It’s halfway through the summer, it’s not a surprise that everyone needs a little bit of time alone to decompress or catch their breath. 

Just as they are about to walk through the door, it swings open. Just barely missing smacking them right in the face. 

“Move.” Sirius seethes, clearly not in a good mood. 

“Wh- Sirius. Wait!” Lily reaches out, latching onto their arm to slow them from storming off. “Come here.” 

Lily pulls them to the secluded corner of the deck. It’s a place they end up a lot. Still outside, but no one seems to look here. It’s just nice. They sit down, but Sirius doesn’t look to be happy about it. When they look closer, their face is less angry or more something else. Reading them isn’t easy right now. It could be anything. 

“Do you also need to talk about something?” They break the silence, and Lily almost wishes they didn’t. 

The truth is, yes. But it sounds like they have no interest in listening. It would probably be better to not say anything at all. To just let them let off some steam and then test the waters. Let Sirius do whatever they need to do before trying to pull them back from the edge of the cliff they’re looking out over. 

“It’s okay.” Is what she says instead of the truth. 

Sirius can smell the lie on her instantly. “What happened?”

Luckily, they snap back to their usual self just like that. Concerned and ready to help. To do whatever they can to make Lily feel better. To listen. The hard part now is that she doesn’t know how to talk about this. 

Things with Petunia have been rocky before. Rough patches, silent treatments, full on screaming matches. But there has always been a make up and reconciliation after. Apologies and laughter. There has always been an after to their hard times and disagreements. This time is different because it’s just the end. Clear cut, no changing it, ending. With nothing for Lily to do but accept it. 

Before, she could go to anyone and talk to get through whatever was happening. She could sit up all night talking and laughing with Mary, or sometimes Sirius, to get her mind off of whatever mean comment Tuney said. Or whatever it was. Back then it was easier to talk about. There was a reason and emotions that she understood. Things that she could manage to talk about without feeling her heart in her throat, without feeling the ground being pulled from under her. 

So now she sits here unspeaking, unmoving. Barely hanging on. 

What words can she use? Are there even words that exist to explain how this feels? Petunia told her she was done. That she never wants to see Lily again. That she wishes she wasn’t her sister. That she said to stop contacting her. That before Lily could even respond, she was blocked. 

Lily didn’t have the words to say anything to her anyway. Her sister never taught her what to do in this situation. No one showed her how to be enough for her sister to stay. 

Petunia should have taught her this before cutting the tether. 

She doesn’t have the words now either. In all the texts she’s sent to Petunia, though none of them would ever be good enough. It’s better that they aren’t delivered really. In reality they would only drive her further away. They would throw Lily off the cliff instead of stepping off. Instead of saying anything, she meets their eyes. Trying not to break. Trying not to let any more tears slip. 

Slowly she swipes her phone open, only having to unlock it and already be on the text thread, and hands it to them. For the hours it takes for Sirius to say anything in response, she sits there shaking. In reality it’s no more than thirty seconds. It just feels like a lifetime because of how vulnerable this is. Days worth of desperate texts about something that just happened, that no one else fully knows about. 

“Fuck… Lily. You didn’t say anything.” Their head shakes in disbelief. 

“I don’t know what to do.” She says barely above a whisper. 

“Come here.” Outstretched arms envelop her. 

For a second, she feels safe. She feels grounded. And then-

She remembers that her tether was snipped. It’s no longer holding her here, no longer holding her together. Her life is starting to fray at the edges. She’s alone even with her friends surrounding her. All her life, Lily has always been a sister. From the day she was born, there was someone else to guide her and keep her whole. She’s never been without Petunia. That’s how it works when you’re the younger one. You’re never supposed to know how it feels to not have your sibling there. 

Lily is alone in the world now. 

Even worse, their parents don’t know. They wouldn’t mention her over text if they did. For months they haven’t figured out that their children aren’t speaking. And now that it’s all over, they still have no idea. It’s why Lily can’t answer them. How is she meant to tell them all that has happened? There’s nothing they can do anyway. 

“I’ve got you.” Sirius repeats, and they do. They have her. 

With their arms around her, holding her together, she lets herself fall. The cracks widen, the world shatters. All Lily can do is hold on for dear life to her friend. They have to have her, otherwise she’s entirely alone. And they do, they hold her and don’t let go. Still, she grabs on. Clawing at Sirius making sure they don’t slip away too. 

She’s rougher than she means to be. Her nails are long, that must be the reason. In trying to hold on she must scratch Sirius. There’s a drop of blood pooling on their arm just below their sleeve. Frantically she pulls away. Not entirely, but Lily holds only at their hands with the lightest touch. Just enough to have the physical contact but no more than that. 

“I- I’m sorry. I didn’t- Did I do that?” The words rush out. 

“It’s okay. Don’t worry. Just an old scratch opening again.” 

They take one hand to wipe it away and then that’s it. As if it never happened. Immediately they pull Lily back in to cradle her. Proving that people can stay, that the right people will stay. If she didn’t have the family she has here, she would be lost. Falling from a cliff without anyone there to catch her. This is the best case scenario at this point. At least someone is here and cares. At least her friends won’t leave her. 

“Thank you.” Lily says once it stops feeling like her lungs are collapsing. 

Nothing is ever going to be easy again. That much is clear. Months of having hope that things would get better that things could go back to how they used to be, was all for nothing. There was never a chance of that. It hits Lily much harder now, after the denial she lived in for so long. Just thinking about her causes her heart to stop, causes anxiety to puddle in her chest. 

It’s foolish, it’s stupid, it’s embarrassing that after all this time, she’s still so broken by it. She could have used all this time to come to terms with it. Then when the text came it wouldn’t have hurt as much. Fully losing her wouldn’t have felt as final or as different as it did. But Lily isn’t holding it together. Lily isn’t okay with how any of this is going. She knows that it is never going to stop hurting. 

“You don’t have to thank me. I’m your friend, of course I’m here for you. Whatever you need.” Sirius strokes her hair in time with her breathing. 

“Can you- can you promise me something?” She asks through deep breaths and a few stray tears. 

“What is it?”

“Don’t leave. You can’t leave Regulus again, okay? I know he is strong and he wouldn’t say this to you himself, but you need to promise me. Promise me you’ll never leave him entirely. I don’t think it’s possible to survive that.” 

There is a wound. Not just that though. Lily is a wound. Bleeding with no way to stitch it up. Bleeding from her chest, bleeding out of every vein. There is no part of her unaffected by Petunia. No part of her that will ever recover fully. 

She doesn’t want anyone else to go through that. 

Sirius pulls her back in, her head leans on their chest. The beat of their heart steadies her as much as anything can right now. Lily tries to mimic it. They coo, repeating soothing words, trying to calm her. She can’t hear anything they’re saying, not really. She won’t stop repeating her plea. 

Promise. Promise me, you can’t do this to him. Promise me. Don’t leave. Promise promise promise promisepromisepromisepromise Please promise, please… Promise p r o m i s e… promise promise promis-

“Okay.” They cut her off. “Okay I won’t leave him. I promise.” Sirius vows. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

History repeats itself. You never know when, but it happens. It always does eventually. It’s inevitable. In good ways or otherwise. You don’t get a say in how it happens or even when. But once it does, you know it’s happening. You can feel the boulder start to roll, you can feel when the ground comes out from under your feet, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You just have let it happen. The foolish ones will hope that it ends differently this time, the smart ones know it’s better for it to stay the same. That is not something you get a choice in anyway. You’d hardly be able to choose correctly if you could. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

REGULUS

He hears the door open and close. Quite forcefully. There are a few huffs, as if whoever it is is out of breath or in a strop. It only takes a few more steps for him to recognize that it’s Sirius stomping through the cabin. Really he would get up and see what this is about, he cares enough. It’s just that… Well he’s so comfortable. Laying on the sofa, mostly on top of James. 

Cuddling, or any physical touch for that matter is rare for him. Most of the time it is brief or even accidental. But right now, well for the last hour at least, Regulus is enjoying it. He came to sit down and James was already here, so it was no question for him of what to do. With no hesitation, not even stopping to contemplate if they would welcome it, he sprawled himself on top of them. Instantly their arms wrapped around him and pulled in closer. As if that were even possible. It was entirely out of character, and yet he did it simply because he wanted to. 

Safe to say, neither of them are moving from right here for a while. Until they have to. It’s also safe to say that things are going well between them. Good even. Regulus is hesitant to be too optimistic, or even let himself think of this as anything real yet. They haven’t talked about it. But it’s something and if he’s honest with himself, which he usually is not, he wants it to be more. He wants it to be real. 

For James to be his and Regulus to be theirs. 

When the grumbling continues from the room over, or the hallway, neither of them look up to see which, his brows furrow. He leans up a little to allow them to look at each other and talk through their eyes. It seems that James doesn’t know anything, and neither does he. So Regulus is at a loss. Both utterly confused at what could be going on. 

For days now, maybe longer, Sirius has been in some mood. No one can decipher it. But they all have seemed to silently agree on one thing- this is just Sirius. They will snap out of it and back to themself soon enough. Nothing has happened, so it’s not bad enough that anyone needs to step in. Maybe the first week here, Regulus would have given up all his time to make sure his sibling was okay, but now he has his own things. His own… sort of relationship if you can call it that, that he wants to focus on. 

It still sets off momentary alarm bells in his mind though. To check in on them when the waters are calm. To watch and see how they are when they think no one is looking. Regulus has experience with this. He’s done it before, he’s done it most of his life. Observing, keeping an eye on Sirius, being there in case they start to fall. Ready to catch them at a moment's notice. 

The stomping gets louder, signaling they are returning to the main room of the cabin. “Going for a drive.” Sirius mumbles, loud enough to be heard if you’re listening. 

Of course Regulus is listening. Without a second thought he jumps up and chases after them, getting to the car at just the same time. Faintly he’s pretty sure James groaned quite loudly when he got up. He probably kneed them somehow, and he makes a mental note to apologise to them later, but this is more important. 

“What are you doing here?” They glare. 

“We’re going for a drive, yeah?” He says casually. 

“I’m going for a drive. Get out.”

“No. We are. Or neither of us are.” Regulus holds his ground. 

Both of them are stubborn. Incredibly so. Annoyingly so to everyone else. There’s no beating them in arguments they want to and plan to win. But head to head? Well that’s actually a fair match. This time though Regulus has no plans to back down. If Sirius is going for a drive it’s with him, otherwise they can march right back into the cabin. 

They sit there. Not looking at each other, not buckling their safety belts, not doing anything. A proper standoff. He didn’t expect anything less. He doesn’t truly trust Sirius in the car, he doesn’t trust them to drive especially alone. They aren’t a bad driver, he’s not saying that. They can be a decent driver most of the time. It’s just the sinking feeling of what they could do while behind the wheel. Anything could happen. Regulus genuinely doesn’t know what to expect right now, but sometimes he just has to assume the worst. Assume that the fear he’s held in his chest for years now could come true. 

No one else knows. That might not be true, but he doesn’t know who knows if anyone does. It’s too hard for him to talk about so he doesn’t. He’s almost certain that Sirius doesn’t talk about it either. Though they said they were seeing a therapist, maybe whoever that is knows. That would be good, then it doesn’t have to live between only the two siblings eternally unspoken. 

Everyone does know that growing up in the Black house was difficult though. In ways that a typical childhood should not be. He has no idea how much anyone knows. It’s not something to bring up in casual conversation. But he knows that everyone can see some of the scars, less on him than on Sirius. Different. Sirius doesn’t hide theirs all the time. They aren’t running from any of it, there would be no point in doing that. Instead they let their scars be seen, no matter how they got them. There are probably some that stay covered, but for the most part they don’t care with their friends or with him. 

So it’s not a secret, not entirely. Sirius struggles, they have good days and bad days. Maybe more bad days than other people, but not significantly so. Not noticeably so. Not to most people. Regulus picks up on it. Of course he does. That’s why he’s here in the car right now. Making sure that they are at least their version of okay. Okay enough that they won’t drive their car off the road. 

Or maybe he’s just here because he loves them. 

“I am not driving anywhere with you. I just need to go for a drive and clear my head. Okay?” They try to rationalise. 

“We can do that together. We don’t have to talk, but I’m coming if you plan to drive this car anywhere today.” 

“What is with you? What happened to the kid trying to escape as soon as he could?”

“He was forced to try to enjoy himself. Somehow he did.” Regulus muses, not detailing any of it out. They’re not listening anyway. 

“I could drop you at the train station now. Call Andy and let her know you’re coming. It’s what you wanted.” They turn the key in the ignition. 

“You would have to literally throw me on the train. I want to stay here now, I’m having a good time.” He tries again to get through to them. “Thank you for dragging me here.” 

None of his tactics work. He tries to be nice- nothing, he tries to be stubborn- nothing, he tries to be mean- nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. Sirius won’t let up. The problem with that is, he has no idea what the end goal is here. They want to go for a drive, but there’s more to it. If there is one person that Regulus knows better and can read better than anyone else, it’s them. 

Yet right now he feels illiterate. Like he’s never learned to read or speak or do anything. The one who taught him everything he knows, sits next to him teaching him some sort of twisted lesson. Something they haven’t done before, seeing if Regulus will sink or swim right now. 

The worst part is that as new as this is, whatever that may even be, it feels familiar. Maybe they have done this before. The crypticness, the stubbornness, the pushing, the isolating. It’s reminiscent of some time in the past. Not exact, nothing could be the same as that, but it’s almost there. Sirius huffs and pulls out of the driveway. As they start driving, the memory flashes across his mind. How could it not? 

“Where are we going?”

“Just for a drive.” They turn the music up and roll down the windows.

For Sirius this drowns everything out. He knows that’s why they like driving. It’s easy to just be, it’s freeing, it’s better. Regulus decides to not ask anything more. He’s here and that will be enough. They don’t have to talk, it would be hard over the music and the wind anyway. For Sirius this drowns everything out, but for Regulus it forces him to face the thoughts in his head. At least he knows this car won’t crash with him in it, Sirius wouldn’t be able to do that even if they hated each other. 

If he thinks hard enough, he knows that this is how they were before. Five years ago and before they ran away from home. Just before actually. For maybe a month or so they were acting weird. Things with their parents weren’t good, but Regulus doesn’t know if it was worse than usual. But Sirius started to pull away. They spent all of their time scribbling in a notebook and then ripping pages out and doing it all over again. They hardly talked. It was different and Regulus hated it. 

There wasn’t anything that Regulus could do. He was fifteen and dealing with a lot on his own too. Well, not alone. He confided in and relied on Sirius as much as he could. Though in that last month, he felt a lot more alone. Like he had done something wrong or upset Sirius in some way. It became better in his mind to keep everything he was dealing with to himself. He wanted to make things right with them, but they seemed like they needed space. He gave them it. 

He shouldn’t have, he learned that. So he won’t now, but he did back then.

Two weeks before they left home, a few weeks after the noticeable change in Sirius, they were planning to die. He tries not to think about it. Most days he can get by without having flashbacks. Of walking into their room and seeing the note at the foot of the bed, Sirius sat with their head down and their knees pulled to their chest. The tears, silent and horrifying, that stained their cheeks. 

He doesn’t remember why he walked into the room that night. But fuck he’s grateful that he did. Otherwise he would have been too late and he wouldn’t still have Sirius. He got there in time, before they had done anything to take their life. It was just the plan, the night it was going to happen. After that it’s a blur in his mind. Two weeks of doing anything he could to help. It wasn’t much but he tried the best he could. He would and still will do anything for them. And then, they left. Two weeks after nearly killing themself, they left. 

That time a note was also left for Regulus. Much shorter than the one that he never dared to read, but still something. It told him that they were okay, they needed to leave, they needed help they couldn’t get in their house. Mostly, it told him that they were still alive and planning to stay alive. They would see him again soon. 

They keep driving now, winding through the wooded streets not passing any other cars. Wind blows on his face and both of them will end up with knots in their hair after this. He tries to focus on the music or the scenery, but he can’t. Sirius sings along. Their face is expressionless, stoic and staring ahead. They don’t have a seat belt on, but they never do. He’s given up on that most of the time. 

The feeling continues to sink like a rock in his chest. History starting to repeat itself. Sirius pulling away. Sirius scribbling in their notebook. Sirius going quiet more and more. His chest tightens. It gets hard to breathe for a second, but regulus pushes past that. He has to have a handle on this. He has to be able to stop this. Make it better. Do something. 

“Sirius.” He starts but they just keep singing along to the lyrics, so he turns the music down. “Sirius!” 

“What? Turn my music back up, this is my drive.” They whip their head to look at him, clearly peeved. 

“I’ll turn it back up if you put your seat belt on.” 

“No, I’m fine. Did you have something to say?” 

“Are you okay?” 

Their expression is puzzling. “Sure, I’m okay. Is that all?” 

“Really. I’m asking if you’re okay because I care.” He doesn’t want to plead, but he knows the desperation is seeping through his words already. 

There is not much that he can do for them. He will do anything, but that doesn’t mean anything will actually help. If they’re already too far gone, then that's it. Regulus will still try, it’s not a waste of energy, they are never a waste to him. It just might break him if nothing works. He barely survived last time, he definitely wouldn’t now. Not if they do something that he could have stopped, not if he doesn’t at least try. 

“It’s okay Reggie. I’m okay.” They answer more sincerely. 

“Promise?” His voice squeaks. 

Suddenly he’s fifteen, he’s ten, he’s four, he’s two. Trailing behind his big sibling, being taught to talk and walk, learning to do what makes him happy. They’ve always been in it together. Since the day Regulus was born, they have had each other. It has always been them against the world. Even when they have been apart, it’s still the two of them. He’s never not had them in the world with him.

Nothing makes sense in the world to Regulus. Nothing ever has. But somehow Sirius does. Despite all of the times they confuse him with their antics, they still make more sense than anything else ever will. A world with Regulus in it, has to be a world with Sirius in it. That’s the only way it makes sense. So that’s how it always has to be. 

“I’ll even pinky promise.” Sirius extends their hand over the center console, pinky sticking out. “Just like we did when we were kids.” 

Perhaps it’s foolish. Or just plain stupid. But Regulus takes their pinky like an oath. Sirius was the one to teach him everything, including pinky promises. You don’t break those. You can’t break those. They are sacred. They taught him that just like they taught him everything else. How to trust, how to love, how to care. History fades to the back of his mind now, because right now he’s the little kid looking up to Sirius like they held up the entire sky. 

Or course he takes their pinky as a promise and as an oath. They can’t break it, how could they? 

Promises are made, and yet history is still repeating itself. They shouldn’t be willing to break the promise, but nothing can stop the boulder rushing down the hill just waiting to push them over the edge of the cliff. 

Regulus is just the one stupid enough to trust that things are different now. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

How much time do you have left? What do you do with that time? If you know that you’re almost out of time, you fight to extend it. You make sure you won’t have any regrets after. You hold the people you love, you tell them you love them. You don’t leave any of that unspoken. Those final moments are everything, they are what you will hold onto for the rest of your life. Make them good. Make them count. That’s what you should do. But what about if you don’t know that the clock is running out? What then? How do you make sure that you say everything you want to before it’s too late? Don’t leave anything unsaid. You never know what could be your last words to a falling star. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

REMUS

There aren’t enough paddle boards. Well, if everyone were to want their own, there’s not enough. Between the two cabins there are five boards. Which until tonight, literally no one noticed. Even when they have all spent entire days on the lake, they somehow never all tried to go out on paddle boards. This makes tonight difficult. 

Everyone eventually came together for dinner and sitting out at the fire. Most of the day they were all off doing their own thing. He knows Sirius has been all over and went for a drive, but he’s been reading peacefully for most of it. After the campfire started to die down, Sirius suggested it. Going out to the middle of the lake to look up at the stars with no trees or anything in the way. No one fought it because it genuinely sounds fun. It’s hard to see the stars as clearly back home, well back in London. Back home home for Remus in Wales, the stars are incredible. But this is a close second. 

Marlene runs the snacks up to the cabin while the rest of them stand around the dock figuring out how this is going to work. Four pairs will have to share and one person will go alone, as long as everyone is going that is. They decidedly are, and the pairs start to create themselves. Well the one obvious one - James and Regulus. It’s weird, Remus and Sirius used to be that one, the one everyone knew would always pick each other. 

Are they that anymore? 

Will they be that again? 

“Remus?” They look to him and he immediately nods. Of course they’ll go together. He was being stupid thinking they wouldn’t. 

“Alright that’s two boards.” James jumps in to help organise. “Better question, who wants to go alone?”

“Me.” Peter quickly jumps in. 

Everyone looks between the three standing without partners, knowing that Marlene will be back soon. There are too many ways that this could go. The obvious choice is the same way rooms are split right now, not to mention that’s also splitting by best friends. But there is the Dorcas and Lily of it all to consider. With that also comes the Mary of it all, and whatever is going on there. No one is talking about it, supposedly they worked it out. 

He doesn’t believe that. He knows them, and something is still wrong there. They’re being normal, they’re being good about it, but they aren’t spending as much time with Mary as they would if things really were okay. There’s more to it and Remus has a thought as to what it is. Everyone is thinking it, he assumes. It’s not like it’s impossible to guess. 

Still, they have gone back to sharing a room and to being friends. For now. That’s the unspoken part of that thought. Will is last? He’s not sure. Whatever Lily wants to do, whatever is best for them, he supports. As much as he adores Mary, if things go wrong, it’s Lily he will run to, it’s Lily he will side with. Not that this concerns him, he’s just a supportive friend. It would be even better if things could all just be fine, he doesn’t want to lost anyone. 

His suspicions that things are still off are confirmed when Lily looks to Cas. “You and me?”

“‘Course Red. Come on.” They pull her by the hand over to one of the boards, grabbing a paddle as Lily sits down in the center. 

They look back at everyone else, but push off and start rowing them into the lake. Dorcas kneels behind her to get a better vantage point for rowing. No one else is out on the lake, but there’s no reason anyone would be. It’s past midnight already. The glassy water is smooth and perfect for paddling. Absolutely no current is present. 

Following their lead, just as Marlene is arriving at the dock, James pulls Regulus along. Faintly he can hear them bickering about who is going to row and who will sit. It sounds like Regulus doesn’t trust them to do either, assuming that they are going to tip them in once again. It’s a very fair thought. And it will probably happen, but they settle on James sitting and doing nothing. Probably for the best. 

“We’re going together?” Marls nods at her, and Mary confirms, seeming distant and lost in thought. 

“Can I paddle?” Sirius looks at him and he agrees. He would give them anything they ask for, this is hardly anything. 

Getting to the center of the lake takes a long time. No one really thought that through. That it could take half an hour to get out here. Why they needed to come all the way here is another question. They could have just gotten a little ways into the lake and had the same view. But it is a great view. Not to mention Cas and Lily came all the way here first and just parked, well as much as you can on a paddle board in a lake, and waited for everyone else. This is on them. 

But Remus didn’t have to paddle. So his arms aren’t tired. He’s already getting very tired anyway. After waking up insanely early for the sunrise and now this, it’s a lot. A long day. Longer than most, or probably all of the days so far this summer. It’s not like Sirius to do so much in one day like this, it seems like they have been moving non stop, spending time with everyone. While no one was doing anything together aside from them. There’s no reason for them to do it, they aren’t running out of time.

Now they can rest. Everyone pulls their paddles up and sits or lies down. There’s a faint, only noticeable if you already know the sound, snoring coming from one of the boards. It’s James, of course it is. Regulus doesn’t dare wake them, likely afraid that moving them would unbalance the board and they would both go under. He is a smart guy. Remus snorts a laugh at how easily they fell asleep, lulled by the water.

Somehow he and Sirius manage to both lie down on the board. They’re used to close quarters. Even now when they don’t seem to be anything, they still gravitate closer. He’s been in their orbit since the day they met, there’s no escaping that. Whatever weirdness exists between them right now doesn’t matter all that much when they are in each other’s arms. 

It’s the first time they have properly laid together, cuddling, in a long while. At night they brush against each other, but Sirius’ head is never burrowed in his chest anymore. Except for right now. Oh it feels so good. They manage to both snuggle into his chest and continue looking at the stars all at once. Only they could find a way to do that. Remus won’t stop them from doing either, he feels too good holding them to move at all. 

The stars are so bright. Murmurs come from the rest of the group, but everyone is in their own world, not paying attention to anything being said. Talking about the stars or when they are going to go in to bed or about anything really. Remus and Sirius aren’t talking. They don’t look at each other, except for the glances he steals at them. They just stare at the sky, eyes starting to glaze over. 

It’s peaceful. He can breathe and his mind is clear. All summer he’s been trying to find a way to think properly. Everything has been clouded and he’s been so caught up in the fact that things are different, but doing nothing to change them even more, for the better. Part of him didn’t know what he wanted. Or wouldn’t admit it. He knows now. 

He’s never been more certain of anything. They have wasted enough time, they shouldn’t waste anymore. Later, if they’re both awake enough, and if not then tomorrow, they are going to talk. They are going to figure out what they are and where to go from here. He’s not letting them get out of it. The thing is, he knows what the result will be. They will be together. Like really together. For the first time, not just fucking, not avoiding their feelings. Together together. A real couple. 

Because Remus is in love with them and he’s just shy of certain that they are in love with him too. 

Simple as that. They love each other. He laughs under his breath, not meaning to, but he can’t help it. It’s happy and hopeful and honestly he’s making fun of himself for taking so long to get to this point. He was never denying his feelings to himself, he just didn’t want to ruin anything. That is not going to happen. Nothing is going to be ruined, he’s sure of it. 

Sirius catches the laugh and their eyes flick to him. A soft smile falls on their lips, the moonlight illuminates the grey of their eyes. It’s almost as if they are glistening, reflecting the light, reflecting the lake. He smiles back, not saying anything. They will talk later, he’ll make sure they do. For now though they can just enjoy this. As soon as the smile spreads, they look away. It doesn’t make sense, but at the same time they hold onto him tighter. 

They lay there in the quiet of the night for a while. No one makes any moves to return to shore, why would they when this is an option? The lake hardly moves, but there’s the slightest rocking. It’s soothing. He could drift off right here and now, no wonder James has. Others may have, or maybe James is awake again, but he doesn’t feel like looking. That would require breaking the cuddle or straining his neck, neither of which he wants to do. 

A small gasp escapes from Sirius’ mouth. Cause unknown. What comes next he is not expecting at all. They crane their neck and kiss him. The board wobbles, but they don’t fall in. He wouldn’t care even if thy did. Instead their lips lock in a soft kiss. The first in so long. It’s perfect. They taste just as they always do. Sweet, almost like caramel, but better. They taste like they are his. 

It doesn’t last long, but it doesn’t need to. The kiss, no matter how small or gentle or even awkward, gives him hope. It gives him an answer to the question he hasn’t asked yet. It tells him that talking tomorrow will go well. They can really and truly stop messing around and be together. Remus has been in love with them for longer than he even realises, and there is an end in sight. An end to the agony of pining and yearning. Just one sleep away, hardly more than a few hours. 

He could stretch the night out if he really wanted to, but being rested for this will be better. They will have to make up for lost time after all. As much as his mouth has missed their mouth, his body also misses theirs. All of Remus loves and misses all of Sirius. Holding them in his arms now isn’t enough, but it soothes him enough for now. 

“I saw a shooting star.” They whisper, almost as an explanation. 

“I missed it… Did you make a wish?” That’s what their gasp was for, of course. 

“Can’t tell you what it is. It won’t come true if I do.” Sirius cuts it off there. 

Something is laced through their words, but he can’t be bothered to figure it out. The kiss is more than enough for him in this moment. Why push? Sirius kissed him, who cares what their wish is. It could even be that they get together. In which case, Remus can make that come true almost instantly. He would love nothing more. 

Eventually they paddle back to shore. No more kisses are shared, but the air between them feels lighter. Better than it ever has. He can breathe clearer than he ever has. Sirius has been in a daze, but they seem happy. Calm and at peace. The stars always do that for them, he wishes he could bottle up the night sky to give to them. To always have with them even in the middle of the day or in the middle of the city when you can’t see any stars. 

For a bit he wasn’t sure that they would be able to work things out. He is thrilled that they have. All he wants in this world in Sirius, and now he can have them. And they can have him. Back on the dock he helps them off the paddle board and holds out his arms. They walk right into him, not quite falling, more like a magnet. Like there isn’t another option but to snap together. 

Remus tilts his head down to kiss them on the top of their head, they burrow further into him. Holding him tight, not wanting to let go. Hiding their face against his chest. After weeks of weirdness, this means everything. This is his whole world right here. He holds them for as long as they want. Eventually they will go back up to the cabin, but they can take their time. He’s barely staying awake as it is, but he’ll manage for them. 

All he cares about is them. All he can think about is them. They are both ready to be something more. They finally will be. Faintly he can still feel Sirius’ lips on his. The taste of them lingers, if he were to lift his fingers to his mouth they would electrocute him. He would take it willingly because it came from Sirius. 

Most of all, he’s happy. That’s what matters. That has always been what matters. Sirius makes him happy. If these were the last moments they got, if that shooting star they saw came hurtling toward them, if this was it, that would be okay. Remus would be content having gotten this moment with them. He doesn’t need much more. He really doesn’t need anything more than Sirius, if he’s being totally honest. 

If the last words he hears from Sirius are, 

“I love you.” 

And the last words he says to them are,

“I love you.”

That would be okay. He’s happy with that as their last moment together. He can hold onto this for the rest of time, he thinks. Most people aren’t ever as lucky. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

You can try to do the right thing. You can try to make sure the people you love are okay. You do everything you can for them. You do your absolute best. Sometimes that just isn’t enough. As hard as you try, not everything will be right. It hurts to fail the people you love, but they’re hurting too. They need you and sometimes you just aren’t there. You get caught up in something else, you don’t know they need you, you fall asleep too early. You just aren’t there. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just how it is. Sometimes you fail.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

JAMES

The board hits the shore and that’s what wakes him. James isn’t sure when he fell asleep, but it couldn’t have been long after Regulus started to paddle them into the lake. He got to see the stars a bit, but he missed everything else. He thinks. If anything else happened, no one is really saying anything. Regulus helps him onto the dock and he rubs the tired from his eyes, bumping his glasses in the process. 

“You slept the whole time.” He grumbles. 

“So you got to enjoy the stars in peace, yeah? I’d say you would count that as a win.” 

Regulus huffs. “Well yes. But I don’t know, I thought you would- Never mind. I know you’re tired.”

He catches the disappointment in his tone and catches his arm with his hand as he tries to turn and leave. Reluctantly he turns back to look at him, letting his stoic glare settle back in. It’s actually a bit softer than usual. Gentle even. If James didn’t know any better he would say that Regulus wanted to look at the stars with him. Not just at the same time, but together. To talk while they did. To enjoy each other's company. 

That’s not entirely new, but it’s something more. Regulus is still not out right admitting it, but James knows. He smirks and it’s all obvious. It’s coming unravelled. Whatever they are, they’re becoming more. Since the night they kissed, they have been wondering if he’s just biding time or if this is really something. If when the summer is over and they go home, will Regulus go back to his friends and pretend like none of this happened. Or laugh about it after like it was all a joke. If by some stroke of luck real feelings blossom between them. 

To be clear, this has never been a joke to James. As much as they would joke around about liking him in front of Sirius, that was all rooted in real feelings under the surface. They aren’t sure exactly when they started, but it wasn’t on this trip. It’s been a long time. This summer just made it possible, but it’s not what sparked it for them. Definitely not.

Each day they get a little bit more sure that they could last. They could make this work long term. James never really wants to let him go now that they have him. In whatever way they currently do, they don’t want to let him slip away in the slightest. In other words, James is a goner. They are at Regulus’ mercy. Right now though, they have a good feeling about it all. The way he can barely hold his glare proves it. 

“We can come back out and do this any night you want.” They assure him and that settles him enough for both of their liking. “Come on, let’s head up.” 

Hand in hand they start to walk up the hill to the cabin. Midway through is where the others peel off to go to the other house, while five of them keep walking. Peter is nearly at the door already, likely tired and ready to collapse into bed. James certainly is. They’re all exhausted. Sunrise and late night stargazing do not go well within the same day. Most of them are going on about 20 hours awake, pushing 21 honestly. Everyone is going to sleep in tomorrow and it will be a great and boring day. He’s looking forward to it.

Just before the house, Sirius turns around to catch their attention. “Hey can- can I talk to you?” 

“Yeah always. What’s up?” 

“I mean like just us. Like we always do.” 

They both know what that means. Curled up under the covers where nothing can hurt them. Where nothing else matters. It’s where so many moments happen. Big or small. Coming out to each other or complaining about a bad hair day. Nothing is better than this. Crawling into one of their beds and talking for hours about everything and nothing. 

He’s not sure when it started honestly. That’s something he wishes he could remember. The first time either of them slipped into the other’s bed and made themself at home. The first time they exchanged secret words for no one else to hear. The first time they realised they created such a safe space in each other that nothing could break it. It’s lost in his memory, but that doesn’t stop them from carrying on. 

They aren’t going to say no, they never do. Especially not when the two of them haven’t spent that much time together recently. Sirius has been quiet and maybe that’s what they’re going to talk about now. But also James knows that they haven’t been focused on them like they usually are. He’s almost always with Regulus. Just because they don’t know when that will end. But James and Sirius will never end, that much they know. That’s a much more certain thing to him. 

“Are you okay on the couch for a bit?” James tries to say more with his eyes, but if Regulus understands, he doesn’t say. 

“Sure, I’m not that tired yet. I’ll go read for a bit.” He seems cautious as he leaves them be, as if something bad will come of the two of them talking without him. 

Nothing will. He knows that. The worst it could be is Sirius having decided they no longer like the idea of James being with Regulus, but that wouldn’t matter. It would be a conversation to have, it wouldn’t change anything. They can figure that out, they can get past that. It probably isn’t even that. It’s probably nothing. Or it’s even something good. 

In the end James will think back and wish all it was is that they didn’t want Regulus to be with them anymore. Just that they thought it would end badly if they got together. Or that they were fine with it if they didn’t have to see it. That all seems like the worst case scenario right now, but by tomorrow they will be begging for it over the reality. 

They never would have guessed. 

They’re already in comfortable clothes, so when they get to the room they climb into bed one after another. James first and then Sirius, who finds their place tucked under his arm, head on his chest. He pulls the duvet up and over them to get situated. The whole time neither of them talk, but the silence is nice. Comfortable. He yawns and knows that he’s nearly falling asleep again, but keeping his glasses on should help. Force him to not roll over at least. He won’t fall asleep just yet.

“Remus said he loves me.” They let the words slip out and into the air. 

“Of course he loves you.” James answers with the truest thing in the world. 

“No like- I love you I love you.” 

“Did you say it back?” He decides to ask instead. 

“I did. I love him, Jamie it hurts… It hurts how much I do.” 

Not only can James hear the strain in their voice, but he can feel it. Sirius may be the one laying on his chest, but he can feel the way their heart stops beating when they talk about him. They feel frozen, unmoving, like their breath has been taken and they can’t live again until it’s given back. He can nearly feel how their heart constricts, how their chest goes heavy. How everything is on pause. 

It doesn’t surprise him. No one will be surprised by this. Really, it’s been a long time coming. Those two have been destined to fall in love, and they probably have been falling since the day they met. At least now they aren’t holding it in. A love like that deserves to be loud. It deserves to be seen and heard. He wants that for them and one day he hopes he gets to have it for himself too. 

James waits to see if they say more, but they don’t. “That’s good. That’s so good, babe. I knew it would all come together for you two.” His fingers card through their hair as they start to breathe again. 

With their breathing restored they take that in. Finding the words to say next. He thinks it will be about Remus, about what comes next. Talking has never been their strong suit together, so that would be the natural next thing Sirius would have come here to sift through. 

“You’ll take care of Regulus right?”

They take him by surprise instead.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s- I’m not saying you love him right now or anything but he’s yours now. I take care of me and what’s mine. So you should do the same. You’ll take care of him, right?” They elaborate but still not enough for him to understand. Still too cryptic. 

Maybe he’s just too tired.

“I’ll treat him so good. I’ll take care of him, anything you ask Sirius. Anything for you always.” 

“Yourself too. If I- it’s- Take care of you, Regulus too, but don’t forget about you.” 

They’re still not making any sense. Or maybe James is just more tired than he thought. He’s lost. Most of the time he can easily speak Sirius, but right now it’s difficult. Over tiredness, being half asleep, both plausible explanations. Perhaps even more so than considering that Sirius is just saying nonsense. Either way, he continues to agree with anything they say. He hardly has the energy to fight it or ask for more of an explanation. His eyes aren’t even open at this point, James just goes along with them. 

“Of course. And I’ll take care of you too. You’re my person.” 

Then it’s quiet. Sirius doesn’t say anything, they’re barely breathing either. It’s so quiet you could hear a pin drop in the room. And then they do breathe. Except it’s not a normal breath, it’s not an easy in and out. It sounds laboured, it sounds half finished, it sounds like it got caught in their throat. More a gasp than a breath.

He tries again. “What’s wrong?” 

“I’m alright. Just thinking. I can handle myself. You don’t have to take care of me, you already have your hands full.” 

“You are okay though, right? If I can do anything, if you need anything, I’m here.” He offers.

Their head just barely nods against his chest. It’s enough of an answer and it leads them right into another silence. They have always been able to exist in the quiet together. It’s easy and almost never uncomfortable. He’s certainly not going to complain right now, his eyes are heavy and he can feel them drooping. Ready to shut for the night. It’s not right for him to fall asleep in bed with Sirius when his not boyfriend slash whatever they are is out on the couch. 

But sometimes you can’t help it. This time James really can’t. 

He tries though, he really honestly tries to fight the sleep that threatens to take him. 

The quiet around them lasts for a long time, too long maybe. It’s Sirius to break it now, but they whisper just in case. “Can I… I want to tell you something. If you’re asleep it’s okay, it’s not a big deal.” 

He hasn’t fallen asleep yet, he’s still here. Anything Sirius wants, anything they need. He will give it to them. Even if his eyes can no longer stay open. Even if he can’t actually do anything. Even if all he can do after they say what they want to is hold them. 

“Yeah anything. I’m still awake.” James yawns at the tail end of his words and he squeezes his eyes shut once more trying to wake up. 

There are a million things Sirius could say now. None that he can predict. James knows them better than anyone else, or so he thinks. One of his best friends in the whole world, someone he trusts with his life. And yet, he’s still at a loss now. There is still no explanation for how Sirius has been acting lately, for the weirdness and distance they’ve put between themself and everyone. This could be it, and in a way he’s a little worried. Then again, it’s Sirius. Why would he be worried? They have always been okay before, even after all they have lived through. Sirius comes out the other side. 

But you see, this is the part where James fails. More so, this is the part where his body fails him. He tries his hardest to stay awake. He focuses on the words leaving Sirius’ mouth. As best he can, he listens. That’s just hard to do when sleep takes you. The fuzziness as he falls into what will be a deep sleep is all he can sense. He spins out of reality and into sleep. Body going numb everywhere except where Sirius’ head rests on his beating heart.

Before they can even finish what they want to say, James is out. They’re falling. Both of them, just in different ways. Falling asleep and falling from the cliff.

On a loop in his dream state, he hears Sirius over and over again. 

Never once is the sentence complete. 

Just these six words, a million different ways it could end. 

James tries to hear it, tries to figure it out. By the time he does, it will be too late. The words have already become echos in his nightmares. 

If only he could have stayed awake long enough to stop what’s to come.

“James, I'm sorry. I want to d-”