Part VIII
LILY
All day she doesn’t really say anything. Barely even acknowledging when anyone talks to her. A few words at most. She’s just a ghost haunting the cabin. For once no one tries to make her talk. Everyone just lets her move from room to room doing whatever she pleases. Which is hardly anything. She doesn’t eat or drink anything, she doesn’t make eye contact with anyone, she barely exists. It’s easier this way. Right?
Yesterday she had hope that things would get better and today she will never have a sister again.
Funny how quickly things can change. Nothing should ever be more permanent than death, that’s always been the most final thing in the world. It should be that way. Death is something you can learn to cope with. The memory of whoever died stays with you and you can think back to all of the happy memories. This is different. There is no coming back from this. There is no learning to cope with this.
Not when one sister decides to be done with the other. It’s more than a fight, it’s worse than a fight. It’s- Lily doesn’t even know what this is. It’s not abandonment, she’s not leaving. She just doesn’t want her anymore. She never will again. Petunia wants her to give up, to stop trying, to stop thinking that things will ever be as they once were.
All of the air was knocked from her lungs when she read the text. It came out of nowhere. An unprompted punch to the gut. And Lily just has to deal with it. She’s suffocating, she’s drowning, she’s falling. Pushed off a cliff with no end in sight. No sister to pull her back up and hold her tight. Her heart won’t stop pumping blood through her, but her lungs refuse any air. She’s never known a world without her sister, she’s never breathed alone. How is she meant to do this?
All night arms held her. She didn’t sleep or rest, but she laid there. Dorcas never left her alone once, but they never asked her to talk. They carried her inside from where she collapsed into them on the porch, braided her hair out of her face, slipped an oversized shirt over her head, and held her. The whole night. They would have let her go if she wanted to, but she didn’t. Things are always easier with them.
Hours into the night they realised Lily was not going to fall asleep, so they did talk. More than they have all at once - maybe ever. Now, she can’t remember what they talked about. But it hardly matters. Their voice was soothing enough. For a moment she even thought she might be able to take in a breath with Dorcas by her side. Distantly she also remembers Dorcas holding her hands. Rough at first, tight. Eventually it settled into something softer. Had she been scratching at her arms or had she been shaking so badly it was noticeable? Or was it something else entirely? They never said.
When the sun came in through the window, Lily didn’t want to get up, but knew they should. Just getting out of the bed. If they stayed any longer they might have kissed Dorcas. That would ruin any chance at them respecting her not wanting to talk. After months of them not talking, breaking the distance between them would change that. It would have to. Lily’s not naive enough to think it wouldn’t. So they didn’t kiss Dorcas in bed that morning.
Instead they got up, rolling out of the bed and padding out into the hallway. Slightly disoriented from exiting the other room. No one else was up or around. They were not quite sure where Marlene ended up, but didn’t bother looking. In the kitchen there were pieces of broken glass sitting on the counter, they ignored them with ease. Out of the corner of their eye, they saw their phone. Lily left it there, there’s no reason to look at it.
Footsteps fell behind them as they floated through the cabin. Aside from the glass, nothing looked changed in the room. Nothing showed any evidence of the night before. Isn’t that worse? There’s no ghostly scene for them to haunt, there’s nothing. No reason they should feel as they do. Nothing happened. Except everything. All of the words Lily had to say, whether she meant them or not, left her lips last night. Now she’s left with nothing.
The footsteps followed her out the door, pausing as she looked to where she collapsed last night, and then down toward the water. She just kept walking, walking toward the water. Walking toward the edge. No one else was there, that’s better. It’s easier on her own. That’s how everything will be going forward, so starting now is what’s best. Alone, she sat on the dock. Letting her feet hang over the edge. Dangling. Not quite falling.
For hours that’s where she has been. No one came to sit with her, but the footsteps followed her here. She never turned around to see where the footsteps stopped. Lily knows who they belong to. There’s only been one option this whole time. Anyone else would have talked to her. One other would have forced words to leave her throat even if they had to claw them out. But not Dorcas. Dorcas lets her just be.
It’s now afternoon, the sun is much higher in the sky than when she sat down here. Nothing has changed other than that. The world has continued turning, the sun rises and it will set. It will all keep going. But Lily won’t go with it. She is forever looking at that text, frozen in that spot where she took her last breath. Nothing goes on past that. How can it? Without her sister.
The first breath she takes is sucking air in when the footsteps start again. They’re different this time. They don’t come from where they last settled, they don’t belong to the same person. No one else should be here, she just wants to be alone. But there are eight other people here. She doesn't want to see any of them. She doesn’t want to hear any of their voices. Not when none of them look like or sound like her sister. Not when all of the voices she ever hears again will never belong to Petunia.
“Lily?” They are a step too close to her now.
“No.”
“I’m not asking for anything, just- can you-” Sirius starts to ask for things.
“No.” It’s an easy enough word to continue saying.
The footsteps don’t start again like they should. Instead she keeps talking. “I can bring you something to eat or drink. Or we can keep sitting here. Whatever you want.”
Finally, giving in, she turns to look at her. Her throat screams as she forces words to come out. “You want to know what I want? You want to know what I want? Leave.”
She looks at her confused. Of course she does. Her face twists in her mind and it’s no longer Sirius in front of her. Lily continues anyway. “Just leave me like you always do. Go, fucking leave. You said you didn’t want me in your life anymore. You said you would leave, so go. That’s what you do, you leave people behind. I’ll be just fucking fine on my own.”
“What? Lily, what are you on about?” Her sister says, but not in Petunia’s voice.
That’s when she stops talking again. Instead she shakes her head, closes her eyes, and turns away. It’s easier to be the one to turn. Rather than be left. She would know. Lily looks out over the edge of the dock, it’s not a far drop. Much shorter than the ledge she was pushed from. Not far enough to even notice she’s falling. The water is still as glass. It would shatter if she fell in and broke through the surface.
Just as she is about to tip in, arms pull her back. She’s enveloped in the arms she came to be very familiar with last night, they are warm and gentle. Protective. She’s pressed against their chest, feeling the beat of their heart. Feeling the steady in and out of their breathing. It doesn’t help her to breathe, but she’s no longer falling.
Somewhere in the air words float around her head. In one ear and out the other. Not stopping by her brain to be heard. The arms hold her in place, the arms hold her back from the edge. Her head tilts back to lean on their shoulder. That’s when her eyes fall shut and everything stops. More than it stopped before, she doesn’t have to see how the Earth and all its inhabitants carry on. How can they when Lily no longer has her sister?
She sleeps for the whole afternoon. Through lunch and dinner too. Waking up just as the sun is setting. Another immediate reminder that the world is still moving. No one is by her side when her eyes open though, she expected there to be someone. It’s lonely knowing there’s not. The world is still moving and she is alone. The first two things she feels when feelings flood back in. It’s a terrible feeling.
Lily rises from the bed that she doesn’t remember getting in and drags her feet through the cabin. It’s quiet, they must all be gone. Off with people better than her. Realising that they should all leave her behind too. But then in the corner chair of the room, there is one figure. One person who didn’t leave her behind.
“Regulus?” Her voice comes out hoarse.
“Oh, you’re up. That’s good, can I get you anything?”
She should want to yell and scream all over again. Let out the beast that’s scratching at her insides. But he talks softly and with care. With understanding. That’s what it is, that’s what stops her.
“No, ‘m okay. I ah, don’t really know what to do.”
He clicks his phone dark and places it to the side, giving her his full attention. “I heard you yelled at Sirius.”
“Did I?” Lily searches any memory she has of the past twenty four hours, coming up short. Except- she thought she yelled at Petunia. Though in the moment, she sounded much more like Sirius than Tuney. “I didn’t mean to- I should go apologise to her.”
“Don’t bother. I get it.” Regulus shakes his head, with an air of amusement that she can’t quite place.
Oh. He was her once. He was the one left on his own. He knows this. Doesn’t he? Years ago, a whole lifetime ago. She didn’t know him then, either of them, but she somehow does. It’s looking in a mirror. Intimately, in a way that most people never will. She knows him. He understands her.
“How did you know?” Lily hadn’t told anyone what happened.
“I just know.” He answers with nothing more than that. Nothing that says anything.
That’s fine by her, she doesn’t want to talk about it. That hasn’t changed. At least someone understands. Regulus won’t make her talk about it, he never will. That however doesn’t change that she should talk to Sirius. Make sure they know it wasn’t their fault. They aren’t Tuney, they didn’t cause her to be alone in this world. They deserve an apology. Even if they once left their brother, they found their way back. They didn’t leave him on his own forever.
The rest of the group must be at the other cabin, or at the fire. Lily can’t bring herself to go anywhere else right now. Here is far enough. Besides, where the rest of her friends are, there is also Mary. Mary who she threw a wine bottle at, Mary who is her best friend, Mary who doesn’t know when to leave well enough alone. Mary Mary Mary.
No, Lily is going to stay right here. That’s for the best. Anything else is asking too much of herself. If the world is still turning tomorrow, then she can try again. Try to find a way to keep going on her own. Walking a path without her sister a few steps ahead of her. Breathing in a sister-less world. That’s not something she can do today. There’s always tomorrow.
But it will still hurt tomorrow.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You don’t have to. No one will make you. You do have people who will listen and help if you want though.” The way he talks with such an air of comfortability and wisdom reminds her nothing of the boy she talked to three weeks ago.
“Have you been here all day? On your own?” Lily instead asks.
He pauses, “Not all day. James was here earlier but he went over to hang out with everyone else. I wanted some space anyway.”
“How is that going, with James?”
Colour floods his face. That brings out a light laugh from Lily. The one thing that has managed to, but it does. It’s the first emotion other than hurt she has felt all day. It’s cute, watching him fall for them. What is even cuter is watching him try to hide that it’s happening. They only get more and more entangled with each other. From the moment Regulus let them sleep in the same bed, everyone knew it was over.
The same probably can’t be said however for Lily and Dorcas. They held her in bed last night, but still nothing is different. That was different. It wasn’t out of want or desire or anything like that. Lily was falling apart and someone had to hold her together. It usually would be Mary, but that wouldn’t happen after last night. She doesn’t even know how to talk to her again now.
“It’s… something. Definitely something. I feel a little ridiculous but yeah, it’s something. It’s a good something too. Good, very good.” He stumbles through it, tripping over every word he says.
“Good, Reg that’s great.” A smile settles on her lips, mirroring his. Small and barely there, but the point is that it is.
“I swear to God if you say any of this to Sirius or worse to James… I will-”
“Oh what are you going to do? Try to embarrass me by telling Cas I like them? Too late I’ve been sleeping in their bed. You have nothing on me Black.” She smirks.
At some point between teasing Regulus and later in the night when Dorcas comes back to the cabin, they start breathing again. Everything stops feeling as hard. It’s not easy, but there might be a way to keep going. A way to live without a sister. As much as they can, Lily thinks about anything else. That’s all they need to do really. If they aren’t thinking about Petunia, then she can’t hurt them.
It’s not that. She will continue hurting them. A persistent bruise for the rest of time. A phantom limb of a sister that is no more. At the very least the open wounds from Petunia will have time to close and eventually scar. If they aren’t thinking about her, the bleeding will stop. They only have so much blood, they can’t lose any more.
For months now Lily has been slowly bleeding. The tiniest trickle of blood steadily leaving from the wound Petunia left. The cut tore open a little more every time she looked at the last text she sent still sitting on delivered. Or the phone calls that went straight to voicemail. All of the attempts to fix things, unsuccessful. Sometimes those hurt more than the fact that it happened at all. But since last night, it’s turned into a gaping wound and Lily is losing so much blood.
Not thinking about it stops the bleeding. Her heart keeps beating and her breathing follows the pattern of someone else around her. If someone else is doing the hard work of breathing for her, all she has to do is follow. She’s always been the one to follow. She’s always needed someone to follow. Otherwise she is lost. Lost without a tether.
She’s breathing now though. When Dorcas gets back, Regulus acts like he’s not being relieved of his duty in watching Lily. No one is fooling her. He stays for another ten minutes or so before he leaves. He talks with Dorcas in hushed voices, but not for very long. Just a moment, and then it’s just them.
“Hi.” Cas stands a few paces away.
“Hi.” They look up at them, hoping they’ll take the step forward.
“Marls is going to sleep on the couch again.”
“Oh? Assuming that’s because of me.” Lily contemplates, but can’t read between the words clear enough.
“I asked if that would be okay. She doesn’t mind.”
Her heart picks up and it reminds her that she’s alive. She feels something .
“Thank you.” She falters. “Have you talked to… I know I should, but I don't know what to say though. It was wrong to scream the way I did, but she-”
“Hey, Lily no. Stop that. You were hurt, you are hurt. You’re allowed to be. Fuck what Mary thinks right now, okay? Just focus on you right now and talk to her tomorrow. Or the day after. Whenever you want to.” Dorcas stops her from spiralling as much as they can.
The thing is, it wasn’t just Lily to yell. She knows the things she was saying, she doesn’t even regret them. Maybe how she said it, or how it all played out, but not that it happened. Not really. Mary talks and talks and talks. She always does. Anything that is wrong, she wants to talk about. If she senses that something even might be wrong, she’s going to ask. She’s going to bring it up and not let it go until she helps to fix it. She can’t fix this, no one can.
What she doesn’t actually know is what Mary said. Aside from asking her to talk, she doesn't remember. It’s not clear. One second she was about to go into a panic, her heart was threatening to stop. And then Mary looked at her phone and asked about it. She brought it up and wanted Lily to talk it through. If she hadn’t, Lily would have shut down. She did anyway. The outcome didn’t really change. But Mary set her off. She lit a fuse that she probably regrets going anywhere near.
There’s part of her that now wonders if she didn’t just lose a sister yesterday but a best friend too.
Instead of the oncoming panic attack, Lily was a burst of anger. Mary shocked her system and that’s something she can’t control. When they have talked about any of this before, when Lily has gone to her for advice or just support because of Petunia, it’s always been sad. This wasn’t sad. This was anger. This was hurt. This was agony.
“Tomorrow, I can do tomorrow.” She nods her head slowly. As she looks up and out ahead of her, she sees their hand outstretched and waiting.
“Let’s just go to bed for now.”
That’s exactly what they do and it seems to be exactly what Lily needs. They don't need to talk, they don’t need to think about any of it. This is why they work together. Lily never feels the need to talk, they never are pushed to dive into and dissect every little feeling they have. This is just simple and easy and them. Dorcas is a breath of fresh air that they will never get tired of.
They get ready for bed, not talking the whole time. A shirt is thrown to Lily to change into even though she’s been in one of theirs all day already. There really isn’t a need to change, except this one smells more like them than the one she has on. So of course she does. Why not collect another shirt. It’s a bit big on her, but she hardly minds. It’s soft and comfortable and of course reminds her of Dorcas.
Lily is the last to bed. She’s been moving slowly all day so it’s not a surprise. A ghost floating about, a ghost trying to come back from the dead. Trying is the most she’s able to do right now, and to Dorcas that’s enough. When she climbs into the bed they wait for her to come closer. She wants them to just pull her in, but they don’t. They’re letting Lily take her time and do whatever she needs to do. That’s not what she wants, but they know better than to push.
Before crawling into their arms, she rolls to face them. “You called me Lily.”
“That is your name, is it not?” Cas says with a steady voice.
“You never call me Lily.”
They exhale, pausing to try and read her face. They can’t. Or maybe they can. “Come here, Red.”
The natural next thing would be to do just that. To bury herself in them and let everything else fade away. That’s what she wants. That’s what she needs. It would just be easy, the invite is right there. Lily pauses though, not on purpose. She’s thinking. She should stop thinking. Except that one second she’s in thought, gives Dorcas enough reason and desire to reach out and pull her in.
“Mmmm.” Lily hums.
“What were you waiting for?” Dorcas asks, mumbling against the top of her head.
“You. I think.” It’s a bad answer, it doesn’t answer the question. But it’s true. She’s been waiting for them.
It would be a perfect time for them to kiss her. Better than this morning when Lily thought about it. Better than all of the times they have had the opportunity before. They don’t, and Lily doesn’t initiate it either. She’s been sleeping all day, but now back in Dorcas’ arms she is instantly lulled back to sleep. Perfectly at peace. At ease.
They don’t kiss, but Lily can breathe again. For now at least. For now she can breathe.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REMUS
No one knows what to do about Mary and Lily right now. So Remus just does nothing. He doesn’t know what happened or why either of them started yelling in the first place. All he could do the other night was to pull Lily away. Then Dorcas took over. So today when Mary shows up at their cabin again, no one questions it. They happily invite her in and offer her breakfast that Peter had just made.
It’s as normal as it can be. The group, the whole group, stays divided once again. None of them push to change that. The most that they do is make sure it’s not always the same people trying to keep things even. Yesterday James and Regulus spent the afternoon at the other cabin. Today it’s Marlene and eventually Peter will go over too, and Dorcas, of course. They are there most of the time, but try to still come over here.
Whatever they were going to be doing these days, is completely out the window. Sirius doesn't bring up the plans that no longer matter. They just follow along with what everyone else is doing. Hanging around the cabin, playing games, sitting in the sun. It’s a whole lot of nothing. Everyone is starting to feel it. It’s not that they’re going stir crazy per say. But it’s not not that.
Any one of them could go out and do something. They could all just carry on with the plans Sirius made. Except they aren’t pushing for that. They’re hardly doing anything. While everyone else is attempting to still hang out and talk, they’re just off on their own. For anyone to point that out or do anything about that, would mean also having to address the Lily of it all. So no one does.
Occasionally throughout the day Sirius will come over for a bit, talk a bit, then go off again. Remus knows better than to push when they aren’t feeling up to doing anything, so he doesn’t. If they are just having a quiet day, they’ll snap out of it soon enough. This isn’t really out of the ordinary.
“I need to get out of this house.” Regulus announces, though he seems to not realise how loudly he spoke.
“Where do you want to go? We can go do something. There’s that bookshop just past the grocery store. We could go there if you want.” James jumps to suggest things, of course they do.
He sighs, this time making it purposefully exaggerated “I didn’t mean collectively. Just me.”
From across the room, Remus watches their face drop. He’s no stranger to the bluntness the Blacks share, but it can be hard. James should have seen that coming, they made his I into a We in less than a second. Whatever they have going on with Regulus is still new and no one has even addressed it yet. But just as the pout they’re intentionally plastering on their face is forming, Regulus’ eyes go wide and stops them.
“Fine, you can come too.”
“Does anyone else want to-” They stupidly start.
“Don’t you fucking dare, Potter.”
“Too late Baby Black. I’m going. Remus?” Mary interrupts, clearly needing to get out too.
“Alright yeah, we can all go.” He confirms. “Want to drive Mare?”
“You know I do. I went for a drive yesterday and it was great.” Her having a car helps, that way she can get out. Have some space from whatever happened.
It’s only twenty minutes later when they are all ready to leave. Regulus still has a sour look on his face for everyone crashing his idea of getting out of the house. But luckily he is a grown man that can wander off on his own without needing a chaperone. Once they’re in town, he can have the alone time he desires.
Before they walk out of the cabin, Remus realises only four of them are here. Peter, Marlene, Dorcas, and Lily are over at the other cabin now. He talked to them and they know they have the lake today. Though no one has said anything of when Lily and Mary will talk so that they can stop being divided. It has to be soon, right? They are best friends, this won’t last.
That only accounts for eight of them, and with Regulus part of the group, they are nine. Remus looks around and it takes a minute to find. Curled up in the corner of the room, scribbling in a notebook. Sirius. They were coming with them, they were part of that conversation. Right? That doesn’t matter, he’ll just go over to them now.
They quickly shut the notebook in their lap and look up at him. “Oh, hi. You’re leaving now? Have fun.”
“You’re not coming?” His brow furrows.
“I didn’t know I was invited. Reggie didn’t seem to want anyone else there anyway” Sirius blinks at him, faltering in their words.
“Come on, we can wait for you to get ready.” Remus nods toward their bedroom and they slowly get up.
A few minutes later Sirius walks back out of the room, dressed and ready. They throw their tote bag over their shoulder and shove their notebook and a jumper in there. That tote bag goes everywhere with them and it is filled with a million different little things. So everything else they need is already there, like their sunglasses and lip balm. Then they’re ready to walk out the door, ducking past Remus on the way to the car.
From the front door they have to walk down the whole drive and around the wooded area to get to the driveway of the other cabin. Where Mary’s car is. She hops in the driver’s seat, then Regulus quickly claims the front passenger seat. No one fights him on it this time, though all three of them seem to think about it.
It’s about a fifteen minute drive to get to the center of this little town. Finding a spot to park proves a bit more difficult, but they manage. James chattered on for the entire short time they were all in the car. Mary hummed in response a few times, but as she has been for days now, she’s mostly quiet. For Remus it was entertaining everytime Regulus whipped his head around just to make sure they saw him rolling his eyes.
As soon as they are parked, Regulus is jumping out and walking ahead. He doesn’t look back to see if anyone is following, and Remus is pretty sure he doesn’t want anyone to. James is, of course, following him. Like a puppy running after a tennis ball. It’s sweet and a little nauseating. The rest of them walk a bit slower, giving them the space to get ahead.
He’s excited to get new books today. As soon as he heard bookshop, he was sold on coming. Even if Regulus wanted to be alone. He would have come on his own another day since he’s finished what he was reading, but this works out better. The town center is quaint and filled with little shops. Most are boutiques or locally owned places. Further down he’s pretty sure there is an ice cream shop that they will more than likely end up at.
Today the weather is very nice. Not too hot, a little bit cloudy, perfect for this. But also hanging in the air are many unsaid things. Remus is acutely aware that the other night he went right for Lily, not doing anything to help Mary or even check in on her. Since then he has tried to be more partial, not seem like he’s favouring either of them. Definitely not taking sides, when he doesn't even know what happened.
“So…” He stupidly starts, breaking the silence.
“I know you want to ask, so just ask.”
“What happened?” It’s a loaded question, but he has nothing else to go off of.
Mary takes in a long breath, releasing it slowly before starting. “I think I pushed too hard. I just wanted to be there for Lily if she wanted to talk. It’s not my place to explain what started it, but I just- She has to talk about it. She can’t just brush it off and never deal with it. That’s all she’s been doing with Dorcas and it’s going to blow up eventually.”
“You want to help, that’s not a bad thing. Even if they don’t see it that way.”
“I don’t know. I… I’m just worried that now I pushed her away. I don’t want to lose her.” She shakes her head, and anxiously cracks her knuckles.
“You’re not going to lose Lily. You guys just need to talk.” He’s fairly certain in what he’s saying. No doubt in his mind that the two of them will be okay.
“Talking didn’t exactly help… that’s how we ended up here. Remember?”
“I don’t mean about whatever it is that Lily is dealing with. I mean about the other night. Clear the air, just tell her that you’re there for her if she wants to talk but you won’t push if she doesn’t.”
“I just want to help.” She sighs, looking exhausted.
“I know. It’s okay. Come on, let’s just enjoy the day and you can talk later.” Remus ushers her into the bookshop, holding the door open.
He pauses once she steps inside, looking for Sirius. They were walking with them, right? Talking to Mary took his focus, he must not have seen where they went. It’s possible that they just fell behind or walked up ahead of them since they weren’t really part of the conversation. THey also like to walk fast and the pace might have been too slow for them. After looking back, they don’t seem to be there. He’ll find them soon enough.
Remus ducks into the shop and spots a table of books that might be interesting to him. It’s a display of staff picks, and with a little shop like this, he has a feeling that will have some good ones. Distantly he can hear James, he usually can. Otherwise there is light talking all around from the other patrons. Still no sign of Sirius though.
He finds a few books that he may want, though he only plans to buy one. Regardless, he takes all of them in his arms and continues browsing. Once he has every book that he’s considering, he can sit and pick one. There are tables toward the back of the shop that he can use. Perhaps that’s where Sirius ended up. They aren’t always a huge reader, sometimes they get into reading kicks, but not frequent enough to buy anything today.
They haven’t been reading lately. In most of the down time around the cabin when everyone is keeping to themselves, Sirius has had their nose in their notebook. He’s not sure what they’re doing though. Until a week or so ago they were drawing or painting, this seems different. Writing something. But they refuse to let anyone see it and the notebook is with them at all times. That’s likely what they are doing now while the rest of them browse the books.
If it weren’t for Regulus, James would be sitting with Sirius just talking the day away. He however is preoccupied trailing after his sort of boyfriend, though they definitely are not at that point yet. No labels as far as he knows. Their paths cross in the store a few times, and each time he finds that James is holding another book for him. The pile is only growing.
As he reads the back of the books he is deciding between, he has an annoying thought. He’s meant to be the one cooking dinner for everyone tonight. Yesterday no one did, he’s pretty sure it was Lily’s night. Everyone was content having leftovers or snacking through dinner time. But tonight is his and he’s not going to skip it. Maybe he can get the whole group together. It’s worth a shot. He wants everyone to be okay being together. He really doesn’t want things to get worse. The longer the group feels the need to be divided, the harder it will be for Lily and Mary to work things out.
Maybe he’s overstepping, but these are his friends. He’ll do anything for them. The most he can do right now is decide what to make for dinner, and ask that everyone finds a way to be in one room. He can hope that they will all do that if not for each other, than for him. It’s asking for possibly a lot, but he’ll ask.
He finds a seat at the back and sets the books he has yet to decide between down. He pulls his phone out and scrolls to Dorcas’ contact and waits for it to ring.
“Hey, everything okay?” They immediately pick up.
“Yeah, it’s all fine. I was er- wondering if you think Lily would be up for family dinner tonight. I could have called her but figured you might be easier.” He hesitates, but asks anyway.
He can hear them sigh, pausing and likely looking at Lily. “Have you talked to Mary at all?”
“She feels bad, she wants to fix things.”
“That’s good. I’ll talk to Lily. No promises that they will want to join, or that they’ll want to talk to Mary. But it’s worth a shot.”
“Thank you Cas. Do you need anything?”
“No, it’s okay. I’ll work on it here. Can you just make sure that Mary isn’t going to bring up anything about Petunia?” They speak quietly into the phone.
There it is. The missing piece of information. No one was saying it, until now. It all makes sense, the story of what happened finally makes more sense. Lily only gets like this with one thing, her sister. Even Remus hardly knows what is going on with them, but he knows it’s not good. It’s not exactly the same, but it’s like when Sirius first left home and things weren’t good with Regulus. It’s not her fault, she doesn’t have to talk about any of it if she doesn’t want to.
“Yeah of course. No sibling talk. That’s a promise. I just- I don’t want to let Lily and Mary fall out. They have to work things out, they’re best friends.” He thinks through the worst case scenario, as he often does. It’s not fun.
“That’s up to them. I don’t know what Mary said when they were screaming, Lily won’t talk about it.”
Remus is losing confidence, but not hope. “I don’t know either. It didn’t seem all that nice.”
“No. It didn’t. I’ll text you when Lily decides.” They end it there.
He clicks his phone shut, placing it on the table in front of him. The breath he exhales is heavy, but at least he’s trying. He’s doing all that he can. The next time he sees Mary he’ll ask her about dinner. Nothing else, because if dinner goes well, then nothing else has to matter.
Remus tries to go back to picking out a book. That really is his intention, but it takes him four tries to actually process the back of the book he keeps reading over and over. He’s a bit too distracted to do this. Even still he keeps trying. It’s no use ruminating over things he can’t control. These are his people and he wants to take care of them, but there’s only so much he can do. He just can’t stand to see any of them hurting. To see it and stand by not doing anything. That’s just not something he does. With any of his friends.
“Who were you talking to?” Sirius asks, but he hadn’t realised they were anywhere near. He finds him sitting at the corner table, knees pulled up to his chest, supporting his notebook. They are now drowning in the jumper they brought, the sleeves of their jumper are balled up in their fists.
“Where did you come from? It was just Cas, I was checking in about dinner.”
“I’ve been sitting here. What’s for dinner then?” They quietly answer as they once again shut their notebook.
“Haven’t actually figured that out yet. What do you want?”
“Anything is fine.”
“I know that’s not true. We can stop at the store on the way back and get whatever we need. C'mon Sirius, what do you want me to make?”
“Pizza?” They solemnly suggest.
“You got it. Pizza it is.” He could have guessed it, but he asked just to be sure. Plus everyone else will be fine with it.
Sirius starts drumming their fingers on the table in front of them, mindlessly looking around the shop. The others are still browsing, or at least haven’t come back to the tables and seats, so he figures there’s some time before they decide to head out. They’ve only been out for an hour or so, it won’t be time to head back for a while. Regulus wanted time away from everyone, which he isn’t exactly getting here, but it’s something. And Mary definitely needs the time out of the cabin.
Slowly he makes it through looking at all of the options he pulled from the shelves and decides on a book. Most people would just hand the books back to the staff at the checkout counter, but Remus knows he has plenty of time to spare and it looks like only one or two people are even working, so he puts the books away on his own. It’s a simple enough thing to do that will undoubtedly make their jobs easier. At least he hopes. Winding through the rows of books he bumps into James, who has found a place to sit.
That’s putting it lightly. Their place to sit is also known as the floor. Not even out of the way. He happens to be exactly where Remus is trying to put a book back on the shelf. James moves without needing to be asked, at first just sliding to the side. When Remus gives him a slight look of annoyance laced with disapproval, he pushes off to stand up.
“Where’s Reg? Has he finally managed to ditch you?” He jokes.
“No. Well, yes. I didn’t follow him, he wanted some space. Something about not being able to hear himself think with me around. Not sure what that’s about, I’m really not that loud and I don’t talk all that much. I wasn’t even trying to distract him. I just followed him. Anyway, he’ll find me when he’s done and ready to leave. Though he doesn’t have money to pay for any new books… Not sure what his plan is, but I’ll buy him anything he wants. As long as I find him before he tries to do it himself.” He rambles on, and Remus understands Regulus.
“I wonder why he wanted a moment to himself. I’m used to how much you talk, all of us are. But do you really do that when he’s around? He likes the quiet in case you forgot.”
“Not as much, no. But I just want to know everything there is to know about him. I can’t help it.”
He shakes his head laughing, exasperated. “Maybe you should let him do some of the talking if you’re trying to get to know him.”
At this, James frowns. “He doesn’t like to talk that much. I’m starting to knock down some of his walls though. I’ll get there. Anyway, where’s Sirius?”
“They were at the back last I saw them. I think they’re tired, or just quiet today.” He knows that James understands, all of them are used to how Sirius gets, it’s nothing to worry about.
“I’ll go sit with them. If you see Reg will you tell him that I’m buying him whatever books he wants?”
“Sure, James. Whatever you want.”
He goes back to reshelving the books he took out and it takes longer than expected. Mostly because he can’t quite figure out how this place is organised. Where he thinks something should go, or where he remembers pulling it from, is never the right spot. It doesn’t make any sense. Remus is starting to regret trying to be helpful, but he can take his time. Mary is still wandering, as is Regulus. There’s no rush.
Not even just today. There’s no rush all summer. They may be halfway through their stay at the lake, but there’s still so much time left. So many things left to do. Or so he assumes. Sirius planned the whole summer, so there’s bound to be more waiting for them. As long as they get through these few days that have been, well for lack of a better word, bad. Bad and off and just obvious that something is not right. But it will pass.
There’s not much he can actually do, or anything he can really control. That’s something Remus accepted long ago. Even as a kid, things were so wildly out of his control that it was pointless to try. He learned at a very young age that people are just going to do what they want to do. And sometimes that includes hurting other people in the process. Not everyone is like that, not everyone has so little regard for the world around them, but it doesn’t change that things are out of his control.
His friends are definitely not something he can control. He can’t just force Lily and Mary to work things out and be okay, he’s well aware of this. The most he can do is give a little nudge. It’s up to them to take that and make things better. Give them what they need to do things right, and just hope that they do. If they don’t work things out, it will hurt everyone else too, whether they mean to or not. And if the nudge he gives helps to fix things, it’s only because they really want to deep down too.
It’s just not possible to force people to do anything they don’t want to. He can’t force Sirius to want anything more than being friends, or for them to want to talk about what they are. He can offer, and he has, but still- Sirius is going to do what Sirius wants to do. Sometimes that hurts him, but what can he do about it? That’s just how things are. People don’t communicate, people only do what they want, people hurt the ones they love in the process.
When he was very young, his mother taught him this. She didn’t want to, not when she did. Of course Hope would have taught him all of this and more eventually, she is a great mother and cares about her son so deeply. Some things just happen that are out of your control, and Remus had to accept that people are not always thinking of others. Hope knew she couldn’t control anyone else, but she does her best to protect what is hers.
Remus wants to do the same, he always does. He wants to take care of the people that are important to him. Yet, they can all still do whatever they want to. He can’t control them. Mary will try to get everyone to talk about their problems and Lily will lash out. James talks for hours on end and falls asleep in the middle of sentences. Sirius doesn’t wear a seatbelt. All while Remus stays ready to help should anything happen.
As they leave the bookstore, himself with one new book, Mary with two, and Regulus with at least six that James insisted upon, he tries talking to Mary again. She’s in slightly better spirits at first until he mentions Lily again. The two of them walk ahead to keep the conversation private, not everyone needs to know all of the details. Lily wouldn’t want that, and this involves them so it’s only fair.
“I don’t know what to do, I said that before. I really don’t Re.”
“Talk, make sure they know you want to fix things, that you don’t want to lose them. And then you listen.” He carefully advises.
“I- Fuck, I can’t lose her. Do you think I’m losing her? I just… you don’t understand I can’t .” Mary’s voice breaks.
She’s right, he doesn’t know, but part of him does. If this were him and Sirius, though it’s not quite the same, he would crumble. “It’s going to be okay. You’re not losing her. The other thing is- Okay well I talked to Dorcas. They said Lily will come over for dinner and I was thinking you could talk before to clear the air.”
“I can do that. Absolutely.” She nods her head furiously. Desperately.
“You just can’t mention Petunia. At all. Lily doesn’t want to talk about her.”
Mary sucks in a breath, clearly knowing more than any of the rest of them, but she agrees. “Anything. I just can’t lose Lily.”
“You’re not going to.” He squeezes her hand for comfort. “I promise.”
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
LILY
It’s not her idea to go over for dinner or to talk to anyone. All day it’s nice not having to do anything. She takes a long shower after going paddleboarding. Dorcas brushes her hair so that she doesn’t have to and gets out all of the tangles from the lake water and wind. It’s a simple day and it would stay that way, except Remus is making pizza for dinner and she’s been requested to join.
Not only that, but everyone seems to think her and Mary should talk. They’re not wrong, but Lily takes most of the afternoon after she’s told about this trying to prepare. Part of her is just waiting to blow up again. That’s not Mary’s fault. Not really. Anyone could set her off right now. Even just sitting around doing nothing she can feel the fire within her just waiting to catch and let off steam. The other night it just happened to be Mary who got caught in it.
Though she put herself there. She knows how Lily gets and she should know better than to play with fire. Instead she put fuel on the flames and is now… what? Coming to her to try and put it out. Before she burns everyone down with her. It’s for the better that she does, but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s the one who lit the fire, she did this. Not Lily.
Walking over to the other cabin, hand in hand with Dorcas, is hard. Their hand and their presence soothes her, but the anxiety building up over what will happen won’t subside. It has to just be okay. That’s what Lily has decided. It’s just going to be okay. She doesn’t want that to be fake, but it just has to be okay. One way or another.
Everything feels surprisingly normal when they walk inside. Considering the last time she talked to some of her friends, or the last time they saw her when she wasn’t the shell of the past almost two days, she was throwing glass and screaming quite loud. She’s expecting more, but everyone acts normal. Her foot has stayed bandaged from the glass she stepped on, but it hardly hurts anymore. She does notice however that there are no wine bottles out tonight, when typically there are at least a few. Lily doesn’t blame them.
Though everyone is acting normal, no one says anything to her. They’re all just waiting for her to initiate anything. That of course makes sense, but it’s more pressure on her than she likes. Remus is off in the kitchen cooking, he doesn’t turn to say anything to her. James and Regulus are talking off on the couch, they give her a nod hello, but quickly go back to each other. Peter is setting the table and he says hello, though to the three of them collectively. He spent the day with them, so it’s not as awkward. Sirius is… not here, but she’s sure that they would say hi or check in.
That leaves Mary, who waits for her. She waits on the stool that is closest to the back door, not daring to meet her eyes yet. Lily has to go up to her. Lily has to start the conversation. It’s always Lily. With a squeeze to her hand and briefly leaning their head on hers, Dorcas leaves her to what she needs to do. They will be there when it’s over, they’ve told her as much. But Lily can’t help feeling a little less steady without them.
It’s now or never, so she makes her way over. “Hey, Mare. Want to go out and talk?”
She quickly nods, hopping off the stool and going out the door. They walk together, well slightly apart but still together, down to the fire pit. Each of them takes a seat, and falters. Talking has never been hard for them. Mary is their go to person when they do want to talk. The hard part is not talking, the hard part is sticking up for themself, the hard part is when the easy part doesn’t work.
“I- I’m sorry for pushing you to talk. That wasn’t right, and I should have stopped as soon as you said you didn’t want to.” Mary’s apology spills out, and it’s not fluffed up at all. She means it.
“Thank you. I can’t talk about it, I just can’t.” Despite all their efforts, Petunia still creeps into their mind. She always will, there’s no getting rid of her. “I shouldn’t have screamed at you… Or thrown anything.”
“Don’t worry about it. No harm done, yeah? I’m always here for you, talking or not.” She looks at Lily with sincerity, with love.
“Good. We’re okay.”
“Of course we are. You’re my best friend.”
Lily smiles, the anxiety easing. “Love you Mary.”
“I love you too.” She holds her breath as she says it.
There’s a lot that neither of them say. Lily doesn’t apologise for saying she wished that Mary was more like Dorcas. Or that it’s easier for her when she’s with them. Or that since thinking about that night, she’s remembered how Mary screamed at her about feeling abandoned by her. That she feels replaced and like Lily cares more about Dorcas than her.
They definitely don’t talk about how Mary cried out, Why not me? Why don’t you love me? Why them? There’s nothing to say about that. Lily doesn’t know how to feel thinking about that. She can’t help the feelings she has for Dorcas. Distinctly different feelings, than the platonic love she has for Mary. Neither of them have anything to say about that. It’s not worth it, and for all Mary knows, she didn’t hear any of it. That’s easier than talking about it.
Because really, she has nothing to say to that.