Part VI
REMUS
Everything is confusing. Specifically everything about Sirius is confusing. It always has been but it’s been even more confusing lately. A week of trying to ignore the love in his chest and the way his heart beats in the same pattern of their breathing has proven woefully unsuccessful. All it has done is make him more wary of his every move and every word, and causes him to steal even more glances. And of course, he’s now denying those feelings, because it’s all fine. That’s how this can be and he can live with it. It’s fine, everything is fine.
That’s how it’s been for a week. Though honestly it’s been like this for a lot longer, but a week since Sirius seemed to decide to want nothing to do with him past being friends. Just as he’s getting used to this being the new normal. Just as he’s finally accepting that this is how they will be now.
Sirius kisses him.
Confusing right? Well here’s how it happens:
Laying in bed, the sun starts to shine in through the window. There are curtains that block most of it, but a pillar of light still sneaks past and at one specific time it shines directly onto Remus’ face. That’s been what wakes him up nearly every morning. Even so, he will usually roll over and try to get a little more sleep in the empty bed. Because Sirius is always up and out of the room before now.
Remus rolls over this time, without looking or even opening his eyes, and instantly bumps into Sirius. She doesn’t move at first or make any indication that she’s awake. Carefully he adjusts himself to get out of the sun without disturbing her, which is quite difficult. But he’s spared from having to manoeuvre too much. Sirius reaches out, eyes still shut, and pulls herself into him. They’ve laid like this hundreds of times, it’s just been so long since they last did.
Instinctively he leans into it, wrapping his arms around her and letting her head fall onto his bare chest. He can breathe her in, they haven’t been so close recently. He’s missed this. He doesn’t know what this is or what this means. But that’s not important right now. Future Remus can deal with that mess, but current Remus is going to enjoy this.
They lay together for a moment and then a moment more. Breathing together. Just existing in a place where nothing else has ever mattered. Oh he wants this to be real, to be forever so badly. But all he can do is savour this moment. His fingers card through her hair as his other arm holds her to his chest. When Sirius starts to stir, he freezes not wanting this to end. If only he could freeze time.
Just as he thinks she’s pulling away, Sirius tilts her head up and kisses him.
Then, only then, her eyes open and meet his with nothing but warmth. It’s sweet and soft and perfect. That’s not it, she presses another kiss to his lips, this one lingers longer. He doesn’t dare deepen it for fear that she’ll pull away. So he lets Sirius lead. Anything they want, they can have. He’s all theirs, they just have to take him.
Their eyes are sleepy looking up at him. In his arms they stay relaxed and a smile settles on their face. Remus is careful with how he handles them, keeping his touches gentle and his face soft. They don't break eye contact, and even then, Remus still can’t read them. He has no idea what they are thinking right now. It could be anything.
“Good morning.” Sirius mumbles, still groggy.
“Good morning, yeah.” He laughs, it is a good morning like this. “You stayed in bed late today.”
“Wanted to. Wanted to do this too.” They kiss him a third time just like that.
Getting up and getting ready for the day is the last thing on his mind, but that’s what they do next. Everything feels hazy after being kissed, he can't focus, he can’t do anything. He’s just blindly following their lead. To the bathroom, then to the sink to brush their teeth, to the wardrobe to change into different clothes, and out the door. It’s silent as they do all of it. No talking and no more kissing either.
So what is he meant to do with this? Are they back to how they used to be? Kissing and fucking whenever they feel like it and acting normal around everyone else? Or have they realised that they want what he wants? None of that is discussed. Of course it isn’t. This is Sirius he’s dealing with, they won’t say something is wrong until the house has burned down entirely. They won’t talk about their own feelings until they are too far gone to resolve them.
No talking happens. By the time Remus is feeling a little bit more alive, but still reaching up to touch his lips that are still tingling from earlier, he’s thinking about asking about it. Then everyone else starts appearing from either their bedrooms or the front door. He never gets to ask. And now he’s right back where he was before, waiting on Sirius to lead whatever this dance is that they are doing.
“We’re gonna have to go to the store today.” Sirius says while rummaging through the cabinets and the fridge.
“Any other plans for the day?” Peter finds a seat at the counter with his mug of coffee.
“Movie night tonight. We could also do a redo of our sports day that got rained out. Today is supposed to be sunny.”
They still haven’t been sharing all of the plans. They’re weeks in and somehow still have activities and secrets. It never seems to end. Everything has been fun, nothing has been bad that they have planned. Though some have been better than others. That also depends on who you ask. Remus personally didn’t love the hike, which ended up being longer than planned and his joints all hurt by the time they got back.
As much as they planned so many things out, the days they just spent lounging are the most fun. Just getting to be with each other and swim or play cards, or whatever they all get up to each day. It’s perfect. Back at uni they hardly have any time to just do anything like this. Everyone is busy with assignments or studying or working. Or just life. Here is different. Real life doesn’t exist when they’re here.
“Did I hear sport? Count me in. I’m gonna wreck all of you.” Marlene smirks, though they are definitely not joking.
“You’re so on.” Peter playfully punches her arm.
Marlene does in fact destroy everyone in all of the games they play. She’s always been competitive and good at the things she’s competitive over, but still someone is usually able to take her on. When they play football, James can put up a good fight against them if they’re on opposite teams. This time they were, but someone couldn’t focus on the game. Every time Remus looked over at his own teammate, James was staring at Regulus.
Suffice it to say they lost. That was the only team game they played because everyone realised how unfair all of them would end up being. Though the individual games all resulted in Marlene also winning. If she wasn’t the one playing, it was pretty split between everyone else with winning. But with that being the case, everyone gave up by mid afternoon. They hadn’t stopped for a lunch break, given that they are low on food at the moment, so it was about time anyway.
“I’ll go to the store now. Any requests?” Sirius announces grabbing his keys.
“Ice cream!”
“Wine!”
“Maybe some food.” The first two requests are expected, and then Regulus joins in just to be annoying.
Sirius rolls his eyes and heads to the door. “Text me if you think of anything else. Remus, want to come with?”
“Alright sure.”
He’s not naive enough to think they will have a real conversation in the car. Maybe some words will be exchanged, but nothing about the kisses from this morning. He knows that well enough by now. Instead though, Sirius turns the volume up a bit too loud and blasts music the whole drive. It’s about ten minutes away, so not very long at all, but he spends the whole time scream-singing along to the songs. Not even looking over at Remus once. He was the one who asked him to join, yet this is what he gets.
Confusing is what this is. Multiple times Remus’ face twists as he thinks, begging words to come up from his throat. All of them are caught there. Everytime he thinks it’s going to work, that he’s going to be able to ask about it, he turns to look at them and can’t. They look happy, the windows are down and the wind is blowing their hair all over the place, but they couldn’t care less. Free and happy, they’re having a good day. Remus isn’t going to do anything to jeopardise that.
Sirius heads right into the shop, still without a word. So he does all that he can, which is to follow behind. They forget to grab a basket or a trolley, so he does that. Though once he has it, he can’t find them anymore. They’re gone down some aisle entirely out of view. There’s quite a bit that they need to get so Remus just starts down the closest aisle that would have any of those things.
Of course that is entirely unsuccessful. They somehow took off in the few seconds in which Remus looked away. He goes up and down a few aisles until landing at the wine. Where they are standing, holding three bottles and still looking for more. He knows that saying anything would make them jump and probably drop at least one of them, so he plays nice and walks into their view.
“Oh hi! You found me.”
“Want somewhere to put those down?”
They smile and nod. “Thanks.”
“We should probably also get some food to wash this wine down with. Don’t you think?”
Sirius rolls their eyes, but grabs hold of the cart and starts to push it away from the wine. Not without grabbing two more bottles. The thing is, they aren’t even out of wine or any of the alcohol for that matter. What they are lacking in right now is real food. Well that and snacks, which they go through at an insane speed. Someone has likely been getting up in the night and eating some of them. But that’s fine, they’re all chipping in for groceries so it’s no bother having to stock up.
They go through the freezer section next and grab plenty of meals. Pizzas and chicken and bread and anything you can think of. Except for just about anything with real nutritional value. No one is much of a health conscious snob, but some people will pick up more vegetables than others when it is their turn to shop. Sirius is obviously not one of them. When they move from there, Sirius kicks off and stands up fully on the trolley letting it wheel down the aisle.
While they don’t get any vegetables, they do grab some fruit. To be clear, Remus grabs some fruit first. Only then does Sirius remember that fruit exists and makes multiple requests for him to grab the berries they like, bananas that they know James will want, and an apple or two for Regulus. Their stay near the produce is short lived, but at least there’s something that isn’t junk food coming home with them.
The snack section is where they fill most of the trolley, and with no rhyme or reason. Sirius grabs four different flavours of crisps and then some popcorn and pretty much one of everything. Including a variety of sweets.
“Oh wait, we still need to get ice cream!”
“Do we really need all of this?” He refrains from rolling his eyes, not wanting to upset them.
“Yes, it’s for movie night. We can’t have that without everything.”
“We watch a movie nearly every night if we aren’t out at the fire.”
Sirius sighs and their shoulders drop. “Don’t question my ways. You know I do movie nights well. Besides, it's more than that this time. It’s a surprise though, you’ll see.”
He doesn’t even bother to figure out what he means by that. It will all be revealed when they get back. Probably. But really it’s fine, Remus doesn’t have a problem with surprises. Sure he likes to know what’s going on, but he can appreciate the anticipation of it all. Everyone else seems to be getting at least a little bit tired of the secretive plans for each day of the trip but not him.
What he would like is to be able to read Sirius. To know what they are thinking even once in a while. He’s not even asking for all of the time. But after this morning, Remus has quite literally zero idea what to think. He’s just plain confused. The plans for tonight can be a surprise, but it would be nice to know if Sirius plans to cuddle with him or if they will end up kissing him in bed again. That’s not very much that he wants to know. And yet, everything just keeps getting less and less clear.
He goes along with it always. When Sirius drags him to the front of the store to check out and then back to the car, he follows. When Sirius doesn’t say anything about what they are, doesn’t act like a couple, doesn’t act like just friends, he follows. Whatever they do, he’ll reciprocate. He can’t do anything else. It’s what comes with loving them and one day it’s going to kill him.
They slide into the driver's seat and the first thing they do is check their phone. “Come on, we’ve got to get back like now.”
“Why what happened?” He’s concerned, of course he is.
“I fucking told him to wait for me. The little shit.”
“Is Regulus okay?”
Instead of answering, Sirius just starts speeding back to the cabin. It would hardly take any time going at a normal speed, but why would they do that? Remus is used to how they drive, he knows it is going to be fast and probably a little reckless. No matter how many times it happens, which is often because Sirius prefers to be the one driving, he still sucks in a breath. His eyes drift to where a seatbelt should be across their body, but he doesn't say anything. It wouldn’t matter if he did. He hates it, he always has, but Sirius will do what they want.
The ten minute drive takes five, and then they’re pulling into the drive still going far too fast. They park the car, leaving the groceries behind and sprint into the house as if they’re trying to keep up the speed they had behind the wheel. He can already hear them yelling, but he’s being the responsible one and carrying the food inside, so it’s taking him a minute. There are enough bags that a second trip would be wise, but the kitchen isn’t that far. He can handle it.
Inside he expects to find Regulus bleeding or something equally concerning. That’s what would be enough for Sirius to go through all of these dramatics, right? Of course that is not even close to what he finds inside. The remaining seven people are carrying pillows and blankets across the room and dragging chairs from the kitchen to the sitting room.
“Wha-” He starts to ask while setting the bags down.
“No, that’s not where that one is supposed to go. Bring the blue blanket to that corner. The soft grey one shouldn’t be used for the roof, what are you crazy Pettigrew?” Regulus is sitting on the counter shouting at everyone.
They’re all listening. Moving around the room like minions listening to his every word. It’s the most confusing thing to happen today. More confusing than Sirius kissing him this morning. He’s pointing and shouting out directions. And still Remus can’t figure out what is going on. Or why they had to nearly get into an accident due to their speeding to get back here right now.
“Where do you want this one? I think it would be a good inside pillow.”
“Potter… why would-” Regulus starts groaning. His fingers come up to pinch the bridge of his nose in exasperation as he turns to look at them. “Oh, yes actually. That would be good in the far right corner inside.”
“You got it. I call dibs on it during the movie!” They shout before ducking under one of the blankets and disappearing.
A massive pillow fort is coming to life in front of him. It’s held up by various pieces of furniture, but seems far too sturdy for what it looks like. He’s never seen anything quite like this. Even the forts that Sirius has convinced everyone into making aren’t this crazy. The television and sofa are both inside of it too, which will make the movie night even easier.
The door swings open again and Mary is carrying a few more pillows and blankets in her arms, tossing them onto the pile. Every single one between the two cabins has to be in this room right now. All of the pillows from their beds, every cushion, honestly every soft thing that could possibly be used in a fort. It’s quite impressive.
“Reggie!”
“Oh good, Sirius! Didn’t see you came back. They need help with the inside I think. I don’t trust any of them to do the floor right. Can you?” Their brother finally turns to give them attention.
Sirius shakes her head. “You were supposed to wait for me. I told you not to start, you know it’s easier to work the inside and outside at the same time. It could fall while I fix it.”
“It’ll be fine. I supervised, it’s perfectly sturdy.”
“You’re a pain.” Sirius sticks her tongue out at him.
She grabs from the pile of pillows and blankets and heads into the fort. It’s tall enough in some places for people to stand up, or so it seems. Remus would not be able to stand inside of it at all. Slowly, or well actually rather quickly, all of the pillows are used and the last ones are tossed inside for Sirius to deal with. He has no idea what it is going to look like when they all eventually climb inside. He’s not ready for it, nothing could prepare him.
Everyone keeps moving and preparing everything. Remus just watches and can’t figure out a good time to jump in and help. He puts some of the food away and keeps out what they’ll want to bring in the fort. As soon as he does that, Regulus seems to notice and instructs Lily to bring it carefully into the fort. They carry far too many of the plates and bottles at once, but don’t spill anything luckily. That would have likely earned them quite a bit of screaming from the pair of siblings.
In all of the time that he’s known Sirius, and the shorter time he’s spent around Regulus, he’s never seen them like this. Getting along almost perfectly. Moving in tandem and communicating with almost no words. It’s really a sight to see. Both of them are genuinely enjoying themselves and laughing. At least until someone almost bumps into one of the supports, then they both look ready to pounce on whoever it is. That’s happened a few times in such a short span of time. Remus feels bad for anyone who gets on the wrong side of their good graces.
“Okay I think we’re done. It’s ready!” Sirius pops her head out of the door, yes the door . “Hang on.”
She comes around and motions to her brother to stay put. Her phone snaps a picture that less than two seconds later is on all of their phones. A few of their friends are in the corners of it, but the focus is Regulus and the fort he built. He looks proud of it. This is the first picture like this. Not the first one he’s been the main focus of from the three weeks they’ve been here, but it’s the first where he looks like he’s glad he’s here. Like he wasn’t only invited here last minute. Like he doesn’t want to find the quickest way out.
“If anyone messes with it or comes even close to knocking it over… I know where you sleep.” Regulus ushers everyone inside carefully, then follows behind.
The inside is even more impressive than the outside. There are a few small lamps set to dim settings along the sides. The coffee table, sofa, and TV are all inside too. This isn’t just a pillow fort, this is a pillow mansion. At least three different seating areas exist. Not including the sofa. In one corner where James has made themself at home, and it seems that Regulus is making his way over there, is a collection of throw pillows and blankets making the floor look quite comfortable.
In front of the sofa is a bean bag (where did they even get a bean bag?) that is big enough for two. Sirius is claiming their spot right there, and all he can think about is if he would be welcome to share it. After this morning it feels that the answer would be yes, but just to be safe he lets everyone else claim their spots first. Though no one dares take what will be his, no one is going to attempt to come between Remus and Sirius.
Behind them though, Mary, Peter, and Marlene settle into the sofa. The fourth spot up there is left empty. Though the last seating area is the armchair which Dorcas takes for themself. Lily ends up sitting down on the pillows laying in front of the chair, leaning back on the cushions. It takes a few minutes for everyone to settle in, then a few more for the snacks to be passed around. Sirius was right to get as many bottles of wine as they did, this way they can be spread around for everyone to have one. To minimise the likelihood that anyone will mess up the fort trying to pass bottles.
“Are you going to sit Remus?”
“Of course. Movie time finally?” He settles in, cozied up against Sirius. Because he was invited this time.
“Yes, now where is the remote?”
“I am going to kill you Sirius.” Regulus seethes.
“You’re the one who started building! How am I supposed to know where it is?” They whip their head around to bite back.
“Oi! No fighting you two. I have the remote.” James interjects, practically holding Regulus back from going at his sibling.
“So are you going to apologise to me?” They look at him all smug.
“No, I don’t think I am.” Regulus opens one of the bottles of wine and takes a long sip, holding eye contact the whole time.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REGULUS
It was a whole process figuring out a movie to watch. Not the building the fort part, that’s not even included in it when he says it took forever. He could have finished the whole bottle of wine he and James were sharing before a decision was made. At least they were all comfortable as it was happening. He made sure the fort was sound and it’s possibly the best one he’s ever done.
He and Sirius would build them as kids, sometimes with the help of their cousins too. None were ever like this. Mostly because they weren’t allowed to have them downstairs in the living room. Or use the sofas. They had to make do with the pillows and blankets from their rooms and nothing else. It’s how they both got very good at it. When they have more than enough resources, it’s even easier.
How he came to be sharing a corner with James, well it’s a long story. Full of stolen glances and unsaid words. A string tying them together and pulling him closer and closer until he couldn’t get away. The way James makes him laugh, even when he stifles it as much as possible. The way they make the corners of his mouth quirk up against his will. The way he doesn’t know if he can say he hates them anymore. Regulus still does, but it might be a lie now.
When James looked at him, inviting him, he couldn’t not. There wasn’t anywhere else for him to choose anyway. That’s the story he tells himself. While everyone talked and fought over a movie to watch, he sat back and watched. Staying quiet and making himself smaller. To keep from taking up any room at all in the corner. He spent an hour being the loudest one in the room, it’s time for him to fade back to the background.
The group went through endless suggestions for a movie to watch. He had no opinion, whatever they chose would be fine. He would tolerate whatever movie if it wasn’t something he enjoys, or he would enjoy it. His opinion was never going to make a difference. They all went through so many different options that Regulus had no chance at guessing where they would end up. Action movies and rom-coms and animated children's movies were all thrown out as options. And somehow, they ended up on a fucking musical.
Not that he hates those, but really? That’s what these bitches chose for a pillow fort movie night? Ridiculous and not at all what he would have picked. All he cared about was that no one would knock over anything to mess up the structure. The only problem he had with the movie choice was that it seemed to have left James pouting.
Someone suggested Mamma Mia, which Regulus doesn’t have a problem with. It’s a good movie. Everyone seemed content with it from all areas of the fort. Except for James who spent the first half of the movie pouting. Then they pulled the wine from his hands and drank half the bottle. The second half of the movie they started muttering under their breath, even Regulus who was right next to them couldn’t make out the words.
Throughout the whole movie snacks were passed around and almost all of them were finished by the end. Someone is going to have to go to the store again tomorrow, but it’s really not his problem. Just an observation. James shoves crisps in their mouth, still mumbling annoyances even with their mouth full. He wants to ask, but he’s stopping himself from leaning over. Stopping himself from getting any closer to them. He wouldn’t be able to pull away.
Towards the end of the movie, he finally turns to James. “What?” He whispers.
“I wanted to watch the second one.” They say more clearly now.
“That’s why you’re upset?”
James nods, and he sighs. It’s a ridiculous thing to be upset about. They watch movies most nights here, they can watch the second one tomorrow for all he cares. It shouldn’t be a big deal. But Regulus does understand it. He was always outvoted when he was a kid. And if not outvoted, his vote counted less because he was younger. That’s just how siblings handle things, and he didn’t have the luxury of crying to their parents to get them to let him get his way. They wouldn't accept that kind of behaviour.
So somehow he feels for them and wants to make it better. Had he known before the movie started he would have tried to fight Sirius on it. Guilt them into going with what Regulus wants, even if it was just what James wants. It’s almost over now, and it’s nearly midnight already. It’s a wash to try and do anything about it tonight now. But still, he wants to make it better for James. He wants them to stop fucking looking like a sad, slightly pissed off, puppy. It’s doing things to him that it shouldn’t.
He holds strong though, he doesn’t get any closer to them. There’s a pillow between them just like there is in bed at night. Though that hardly stops anything. Which is something they haven’t talked about, but he knows that they have noticed. Or they’re just getting bold with assuming that Regulus doesn’t hate them anymore. James talks to him whenever they get the chance. A few times they have even let their hands brush or their legs touch while sitting at the table. It’s all very light and discreet and barely there. Blink and you miss it type of touches.
Nothing more than that is going to happen. Not at all. But especially not while in a pillow fort with all of their friends, and more importantly Regulus’ sibling. Sirius would hate it, or he thinks they would. They definitely wouldn’t want to turn to their right and find them cuddling. Though that would be an insane stretch to get to tonight. At most, Regulus would let the pillow magically disappear, but he would not slip into their arms.
No matter how much he thinks about it.
At least a few people are asleep at the end of the movie. Lily is still in front of Dorcas, though her hair is plaited nicely and her eyes are sleepy. She pretends like she didn’t fall asleep leaning against their legs, but it’s obvious she did. Peter and Remus are also victims to dozing off, but own up to it.
“Bed?” Sirius looks to Remus, a very sleepy Remus.
“Mmm…”
“We should head back to our cabin, see you in the morning?” Mary decides for the other half of them.
“Breakfast in the fort! Be there.” Sirius shouts, making sure even the half dead members of the group get the memo.
Everyone starts to make their way out the blanket door, and then some out the actual front door of the house. Peter drags his feet all the way to his room, shutting the door and most likely falling right into bed. The other two make it to their room as well, though what they do on the other side of the door is absolutely none of Regulus’ business. Sirius seemed to be in a good mood tonight, which is good. He always wants them to be happy.
“You’re still frowning.” He crosses his arms, looking back to the corner that James hasn’t moved from.
“The second movie is better! We should have watched that one. I stand by it.” He falls back on the pillow, letting his arm go over his face.
“You can still watch it now. Have the whole fort to yourself. Just don’t mess it up or I swear I will kill you.” He suggests.
Slowly James sits back up. His eyes grow wider and wider, pupils dilating behind his glasses. “I have a better idea.” Oh no. No it’s going to be a bad idea. A very bad idea. “You could stay and watch it with me.”
An awful, terrible idea. Nothing good can come of this. Sharing a stupid bed with him has already been enough. He will absolutely not hide in a fort watching a movie with James late into the night. With no one else around keeping them from trying to pull him close. There are not enough pillows in the world, let alone inside this fort, to pile between them. He’s weak, as much as he says he isn’t. This can’t end well, so it can’t happen.
“You’ll have more fun without me. I’m getting tired anyway.” His feet won’t carry him to the bedroom though.
“Please Reg. If you fall asleep that’s okay, or if we don’t make it through the whole thing. But stay?”
“Fine.” He mumbles, upset with himself for giving in so easily.
They grab the remote and start the movie, still sitting in the very comfortable corner the two of them shared. Though Regulus finds a new seat on the bean bag chair. Far enough away that they can’t even accidentally touch. No pillows necessary for this arrangement. That’s how it should be, how it should stay.
He really doesn’t know how it happens. How James makes their way to share the bean bag with him. How their legs become a jumbled tangled mess. How his head ends up leaning on their shoulder. One second they weren’t like this, and now they are. He doesn’t pull away though, he doesn’t know if he could.
Regulus wants this, deep down he does. As much as he tells himself he doesn’t. When he looks up through his eyelashes at them he sees it. He can’t deny the tug in his chest. Their smile is bright even with their mouth closed. It’s a subtle smile. One that most people wouldn’t notice. At least not enough to make a point of it. It’s hardly there, but James’ eyes always brighten when they’re smiling. That’s what he notices first every time.
“You’re looking at me.” James whispers.
“No ‘m not.” His eyes flick back to the movie, though it doesn’t change that he was caught.
Or that they are undoubtedly cuddling. He can’t deny that. He’ll try, but it’s clear as day. And Regulus has no plans of pulling away, unless of course someone walks back into the fort. Then maybe he would. Just because he’s more comfortable right now letting himself indulge, doesn’t mean he wants Sirius or anyone else knowing about it. James knowing is mortifying enough, and they’re part of this.
“Wait no, look back at me. I want to see your eyes again.” They gently turn his chin back and his jaw goes slack.
“Hi…” He whispers, barely breathing out.
“Hi.” James cups his face so softly he nearly melts.
Their fingers are soft as they glide over his face. From his cheek, to running through his hair and settling in at the nape of his neck. Regulus knows what comes next. He can see the gears going in their head and can anticipate their next move. They’re sitting so close, hardly any movement is needed. Just a tilt of his head, a tilt of theirs. He follows willingly in the dance that James is leading.
Then their lips crash together. Light and soft. Hesitant. At first, but then everything comes rushing in. The feelings he has been avoiding spill out of his lips. Through his tongue that goes searching immediately for entry into their mouth, granted with ease. With excitement. With eagerness. Hunger.
James tastes sweet. Like they have been soaked in sugar in preparation for this. Just for Regulus. He can’t get enough, not daring to pull away for even a second. If he was bolder, he would let his already tangled leg swing over their hip to straddle them. But he holds back. There’s no need to rush this. Whatever this is. That’s not something he dares to think about right now. He can’t anyway, not with the sugar rush that is James taking hold of all of his senses.
Breathing him in is the best Regulus has felt this entire trip. It’s better than he could have imagined. They part, just slightly, just enough to suck in more air. He can’t help but sink right back into him without a second thought. Though James seems to be thinking.
“Hang on, just- just a second Reg.” They pull away, staring at him like he wants something. “What are we doing? Do you-”
“I… fuck it James. I want this, I do. But if you don't, that's… that’s okay. Just tell me.” His mind takes over, the worried side of him.
“You want this,” He sucks in.
Regulus nods, and then their lips reconnect. Driven by a magnetising force. Unable to stop the way they crash together. There is a lot more that needs to be said, but why talk? Why talk when they can do this? And they’re doing this very well. More is being said between their lips now than would be if they tried to talk. At least Regulus knows that he would fail to articulate any of the things he is feeling, so this is better.
The next time they pull back it's mutual. All they do is look at each other. Regulus can feel their eyes on him, but he won’t meet their gaze. He’s too mesmerised by their lips. Swollen and plump. He wants to devour them whole. Pull them between his teeth and take a bite. Little breaths escape between them, but they don’t move.
“So…” James fills the silence. He wants to smack them for it.
“Let’s just go to bed.” He quickly scrambles off the bean bag and heads to the door.
It’s already late, the movie isn’t even over, but they can’t just keep sitting here. Not after this. It doesn’t escape him that he’s walking right into another room that will be just them. And this one actually has a real door and walls that aren’t made out of blankets. There really isn’t a good option. He’ll take his chances though. He can't not, this is James. And fuck if he doesn’t like him, if he doesn’t hate him, it’s all just- James.
“But-” He tries to argue, but knows he won’t win this one. “Does this at least mean we don’t have to put up that silly wall between us tonight?”
He’s not facing James. On purpose. He doesn’t want to have to look him in the eye right now, he doesn’t think he could. Though Regulus can imagine the dopey face he’s looking at him with right now anyway. There’s probably a stupid little pout that morphs into a smirk. Down turned eyes, bright and doe like behind glasses. As stubborn as he is, how can he ever win against that?
The power he does have, is in that stubbornness. That and the fact that he simply doesn’t respond. James chases after him, still miraculously managing to keep quiet since everyone else is likely asleep. In the bedroom he’s going to have to face him. There is no more escaping unless he goes back out to sleep in the fort. Which James would follow him to anyway. But for now, he just doesn’t answer any of the pleas and questions coming from behind him.
Just for a moment on his own, he ducks into the bathroom. The lights are fluorescent and harsh. A harsh reminder of the reality he’s in. This is James that he just kissed. Looking at his reflection in the mirror only intensifies it. Regulus has been avoiding this, avoiding his feelings for a while now. They were buried under hatred, but part of him has always thought James was cute. This is how it was always going to end. Maybe not in a pillow fort at a lakeside cabin, but together.
He fought so hard the first week to hate it here and part of him did. There was no reason he was on this trip and being forced into a group of friends that aren’t his. And then James managed to get him to stay. Not entirely for them, it was still for Sirius too. They just helped it along. Regulus kept fighting after that. Night after night doing all that he could to just tolerate being here. Nothing more and nothing less.
That’s what he needed. If he was just fine being here, this wouldn’t happen. He wouldn’t grow to have soft spots for people like James. The hatred in his chest and the walls guarding his heart and all of him would never crack. He would just be here for two months and then be gone. A blip in his life. That’s out of the question now. This isn’t just a blip. This is something .
Meeting his own eyes in his reflection is awful. He doesn’t hate looking at himself in a mirror as much as he used to. At least now he seems himself and not an entirely different creature of his parents’ creation. This is Regulus. Which makes the fact that he’s about to get into bed with James and the fact that they just kissed, all that much worse. There’s no going back from this.
Yet at the front of his mind, is the inkling that he doesn’t want to. He does want this. He doesn’t want to go back from this. He doesn’t really want all of the eyes that will be on him after this, or the ‘I told you so’s that will come from Pandora. But he wants James.
A knock at the door. “Reg?” He says so soft and warm that he could just curl up in his voice and sleep there.
“Just a second.” He forces the words out and quickly finishes brushing his teeth.
Before walking out and having to see him, there’s no way around it, he splashes water on his face. Cold and jolting. If he can just get it together then he can get into bed and drift off. Everything else he can deal with tomorrow. If at all. There’s no telling what will happen after they sleep. A lot of wine was consumed, maybe this will just be a blip for James.
Not for Regulus, but it could be for them. That would be okay.
It would destroy him inside, but it would be easier to go on like that than for this to be real. For James to actually like him and want anything to do with him. Easier than figuring out what any of this means or what any of this is. But Regulus can live with his heart in pieces, James saw to that the first time when Sirius ran to them. Really he’s always been living like this. Talking would be harder.
“All yours.” Regulus keeps his head down walking from the bathroom to the bed.
He crawls into his side and stays rolled over facing the wall. Eyes squeezed shut trying to slip out of consciousness. There isn’t a pillow in the middle of the bed anymore. Instead he has made himself as small as he can, just a little ball in one corner of the bed. Hardly taking up any space and any of the duvet. Regulus can attempt to believe this will keep them separated tonight. And deal with the aftermath of all of this in the morning. When it will come crumbling down just like the fort where it all happened.
His thoughts are blindingly loud tonight no matter how much he wants them to shut up. It keeps him from even feeling the bed dip beside him when James gets in. They stay to the other side, making it even less noticeable.
“Reg? Are you still awake?” They whisper.
He could just not answer. That would be easy enough. “No, go to sleep James.”
“Oh, hi. I can let you sleep, but just if you want to come closer you can.”
Head against heart. Want against need. Regulus has never been good at making decisions. Or making the right decisions might be more accurate. His head wants to protect his heart. His heart wants to be held as he sleeps. He wants and wants and wants. All he is, is want. There is no need for any of this, all he needs to do is protect himself and keep his guard up. But that won’t make him happy. And for right now, he wants to be happy. Even if it’s just for right now.
He answers by rolling over toward them. Regulus doesn’t meet his eyes, he still can’t. “Better?”
“Can I kiss you again?” James brushes a few strands of hair off his face and tucks them behind his ears as he nods.
They wait for him though, they wait for him to be the one to tilt his head up and bring their lips together. He takes what he wants and James hands it over willingly. They kiss, sloppily and without direction. Hands lace through hair and trace along each other's bodies. It’s still soft, gentle, afraid to push too far.
James knows that he keeps his guard up. Most of the time that’s true. Except right now it’s lowering. He’s letting them in to see a side of him that no one does. He doesn’t want to build it back up after this. They don’t push him any farther than he’s willing to go because of it. If Regulus wants to just lay here together, he thinks they’ll let him.
But he wants to do more, he wants to give in to himself and have more. Take more. Swing his leg over to straddle them and deepen the kiss. Unlike earlier, he does it this time. It’s a small movement, more rolling himself on top of them than anything. But it gives him a better vantage point. He sloppily leaves a trail of kisses away from their mouth and down their jaw. Peppering them across their collarbone as he listens to them mumble.
When they eventually slow, James grabs for his face again. Holding him gently. Their eyes are probably very pretty right now, and their lips freshly plump. But he still won’t look. Opening his eyes makes all of this real and makes it something he has to face.
“I have something to say.” James breathes from below him.
“Okay, say it.”
“Look at me first, love.”
His chest constricts, but he opens his eyes anyway.
“I like you. I like this. I want to know you and be worthy of having this.”
Breathing is hard when all of the air has been sucked out of his lungs. Regulus doesn’t want to be known, but he could be okay with this. He could get over that fear so that James can know him. This won’t end well, there’s no way it could. But can’t he let himself have it anyway?
“You have this.” Regulus confirms.
“I don’t know you, all of you. I want to. Whatever parts of you that you are willing to share, I want.”
“You still haven’t guessed my favourite colour. I can just tell you if you want.”
Their head shakes. “No, don’t tell me. I’ll guess it.”
“Your choice.” He finally rolls off of them, but they don’t part. Instead James pulls him into their chest so that there is no space between them. They kiss the top of his head once, twice, and three times. He feels settled, at peace.
They don’t drift off to sleep yet. For at least an hour or two or more they lay there in each other's arms. Regulus traces little shapes on their hands and chest. Soothing circles and stars that lull them both. At first they both pretend to sleep or at least just keep their eyes closed. A feeble attempt at it, but it’s something. And then James laughs. Quietly, barely a giggle, but Regulus can feel their chest move.
When asked what he’s laughing at, he doesn’t have an answer. So then they start talking again. Little and silly thoughts. James tells him about a rock he saw down by the lake yesterday. Apparently it looks exactly like a dog, and he will be dragging him down tomorrow to show him. Regulus tells him about one of the trees he found to hang out in, and how there’s a hidden treehouse that no one else knows about. He is then made to promise that he’ll take James to it.
In the middle of talking, genuinely as James is saying something about chocolate, he falls asleep. His mouth hangs open on the words he didn’t finish saying, but he looks adorable. Regulus is used to being the last one awake, he’s used to the quiet of the night. It doesn’t take long though for him to nuzzle further into James and drift off.
He originally planned to pull away and at least try to fall asleep on his own. Regulus just underestimated how good it feels to be held. That isn’t something he could pry himself out of. That and well, James’ arms. Which stay firmly around him even as he sleeps. This time when he wakes up he won’t be freaked out by the way they are tangled together, it may even come as a comfort in the morning. A reminder that all of this did happen.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
LILY
The other cabin has the fort, so it makes sense to make breakfast over there. It just annoyingly means that Lily needs to get up and trek all the way over there just to help make breakfast. Which she stupidly offered to do. Everyone has been taking turns with it, though some more than others. The rest of them will be up and joining in an hour or so, so she lets Mary keep sleeping.
For days now Mary has been a lot quieter. Maybe not with everyone but definitely with Lily. It’s weird and she can’t figure out what it is. She didn’t say a word between leaving the other cabin after the movie and going to sleep. Not one. Something is clearly bothering her, but if she doesn’t want to talk about it then Lily won’t force her. She knows they’re there if she needs anything. Lily will do anything for her.
All they can do right now is let her sleep in until her alarm goes off. Lily can make breakfast on their own, or enlist the help of whoever at the other cabin is already awake. They would be fine on their own though too. It took a while to figure out being independent, but Lily is really good at it now. She has to be when Petunia isn’t around anymore. She was always supposed to have her sister and now she doesn’t. There’s nothing that could force her to figure anything out quite like that.
She’s rummaging through the fridge and the cabinets for all of the ingredients they need when footsteps sound behind her. “Need some help?”
“Oh, Cas. Didn’t know you were up. Or that anyone was awake. Yeah, help would be good. I’m just bringing everything over to start cooking there.” She can’t stop rambling.
Distantly she thinks about how that might be the most amount of words in a row either of them have said to the other. Sure they have had conversations before, but it’s always different. More things are left unsaid and hanging in the air than actually come out of their mouths. It could be nice for that to change. She’s positive that Dorcas has great things to say and she wants to hear all of them.
“Come on Red. Let’s go make breakfast.” They grab the bread and the eggs while Lily takes the rest. “French toast?”
“Yeah, thought it would be good. No one really said if they have a preference right now. So… french toast. I used to make it with my s- dad all the time.”
“I love french toast.” Dorcas smiles and leads the way to the other house.
The talking doesn’t continue this same way. Lily manages to stop letting every word that comes to mind spew out. She’s back to how she usually is with Dorcas. Quiet but sure. Except for every glance she steals at them and the way she bites her lip every time to keep from blushing or saying something stupid.
Not long after they get the griddle set up and everything ready to cook, doors start opening. No one was awake when they walked in but luckily the door wasn’t locked. That would have been incredibly annoying. Peter emerges first, looks around like he’s never been awake before, and goes right into the fort likely to lie down again. The surprising thing is that Regulus comes out next.
He looks… happy? Concerningly so. Considering how only two and a half weeks ago was still refusing to share his room with James. Who walks out right behind him, like they planned it. Both of them come to the kitchen rather than joining Peter.
“Need any help?”
Lily narrows her eyes at him. “From you?”
“I’m good at cooking.”
“No one is saying you aren’t. Why are you in a good mood?” Dorcas crosses their arms, now also surveying the situation.
“No reason. Now do you want my help or not?”
It takes Lily no more than two looks between them to figure it out. Over the weeks she has gotten to know Regulus fairly well. Or as well as he has let her. So in no way can she read him very well, but she can absolutely read James like a book. He’s smiling and failing at hiding it. Something happened, and she’ll let them continue skirting around it, but she knows.
“I’ve got the french toast handled. You can cut up some fruit.”
Twenty minutes later and everything is ready. The talking in the kitchen entirely fizzled out, but all four of them stayed in high spirits. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. Lily worked with Dorcas to make all of it while Regulus worked on the toppings. James was not the most helpful, all they kept doing was looking at him and then looking away to see if anyone saw. Followed by little laughs and smiles.
The rest of the group arrives, or in the case of Sirius and Remus, leaves their room. Plates are set up on the counter for everyone to pile on what they want. Lily waits till last since the final few pieces of toast are finishing up cooking. She fills her plate, turns off the griddle, and joins everyone in the fort.
Instead of returning to their seats from last night, they all opt for the floor today. It’s a bit easier to eat from the floor off of plates than it would be in a bean bag or anything of the sort. Conversation flows easily and the rest of their friends start to pick up on what is different today. She just keeps stuffing her face full of food to avoid bursting out laughing.
“I think we should keep this up for as long as we can.” Sirius gestures to the roof of blankets.
“Agreed. So, what are the plans after this?” Regulus asks…
“You actually want to know?” His brow furrows.
“Is it so surprising that I want to have fun while on this trip?”
“No, but fun for you doesn’t usually include the rest of us.”
“Sirius, just lay off. If he wants to participate I think it’s a great thing.” James butts in, perhaps against his better judgement.
“Oh?” They frown. “That’s fine then yeah. I want you to hang out with us Reggie. I just-” Sirius then looks between the two and catches a glance. She’s not sure what it is, but they seem to figure it out. “Oh, so that’s why you’re in a good mood, brother?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Lily does a great job at holding back, though others have caught on and do not exhibit the same willpower. Like Dorcas for example, “Those two did something, not sure what but something is definitely going on.”
Or Peter, “They were the last ones to leave the fort last night. Do you think they-”
“No! Oh my god shut up.” Sirius interrupts, but Peter finishes his thought anyway.
“Fucked in here?”
“We’re not going to talk about my baby brother’s sex life. Not in front of me, not at all.” They yell and drop their head against Remus while trying to block their ears just in case.
“To be clear, we did not.” Regulus notes.
“Oh good then. But something definitely happened. You look too happy.”
“Peter is right. Come on Baby Black, why so smiley?”
That’s the exact moment his face drops and his glare could kill. It’s a shock he made it this long into the teasing before it happened. He pushes his plate away from him and starts to get up. James grabs on and looks like he’s ready to plead with him to stay. He doesn’t, but Regulus pauses to take a breath instead.
“Smile is gone now, MacDonald. Happy? Great. Enjoy the rest of your breakfast.” He huffs and storms out of the fort.
No one follows right away. Most of them start laughing, Lily included. It takes a few minutes before Sirius comes back to the conversation and they’re ready to stare daggers into quite a few heads. Surprisingly though, James is not one of those heads. Everything goes back to usual conversations. People talking about the rest of the day and the next few days, or moving back to uni. Talking has never been a problem with this group.
“I’m gonna go check on him.” Sirius excuses himself mid conversation, after he knows his brother had time to cool down on his own.
“He’s okay.” James nods. “Might be good to talk, but I promise he’s good.”
They barely acknowledge them before turning to leave.
“Who’s cleaning up? It’s not going to be me or Red, we cooked. We’ll be down at the dock when the rest of you are ready to join.” They reach a hand out to pull her up.
There weren’t any plans, but Dorcas decided for them. They initiated this and want to spend time together. The butterflies continue to swirl in her stomach as they leave the fort. She looks back and sees a few confused faces over it, but most likely wondering how they got stuck doing dishes.
Mary, though, looks different. Big sad eyes watching them leave and not doing anything about it. Something is wrong and it’s going to break Lily’s heart. She wants to help her best friend, but she doesn’t know what’s wrong. It will kill her to not do something, but there’s nothing she can do if she doesn’t know what’s wrong. She has a guess, but so badly wants it to be wrong. So she follows Dorcas out and down the path to the dock, not once looking back.