Part V
REMUS
This morning, like most, Sirius isn’t in bed when Remus wakes up. They aren’t a morning person which is the confusing part. Back at uni, you would have to hold a gun to their head to get them to go to a class before 10 in the morning, and even then they would probably still not go. Yet, everyday when he wakes up, the other side of the bed is empty and the sheets are pulled back. It doesn’t make sense and it drives Remus insane.
Still, he gets up and gets dressed and ready for the day. Which doesn’t take very long since it’s just another day at the lake and he can look however he pleases. It’s not like he’s going to try to impress anyone here. The only person he would want to get the attention of has seemingly decided he’s not worth it. Not in the same way he used to be. He finds coffee in the pot in the kitchen and drinks his first cup while scrolling on his phone at the counter.
“Where’s Sirius?” James pops out of his room and makes his way to the kitchen.
“Not sure.” The words come out tasting awful. He can’t help needing to ask for information. “Has he talked to you at all? Things feel super weird between us right now and I just don’t know.”
The sigh that comes from deep in his lungs is heard throughout the house. He’s exhausted trying to figure them out. But there’s not much more he can do. If they didn’t want to kiss him back and if they don’t want to talk, then that’s it. What more can he do? They have hardly even brushed against each other in bed at night, when before this they were hooking up at least once a week. Most of the time more often. So it’s weird, right?
“Not to me. Pete! Has Sirius said anything about Remus to you?” James yells across the cabin, to where the third bedroom door has just begun opening.
“Nope! She hasn’t said anything. Did something happen?” He sleepily walks over, yawning through his words.
“No! We haven’t done anything .” He emphasises. “Well actually… a few days ago or maybe a week ago, whenever that doesn’t matter. I kissed her and then she pulled away and got weird and that’s it. Nothing! I don’t know what to do.”
“Oh you’re down so bad.” They laugh while shaking their head. “Have you perhaps talked?”
“Sirius didn’t seem in the mood to talk! You know how they are, what am I meant to do?”
His mug is now empty so he goes to fill it up again. The two are definitely looking at each other and swapping glances or mouthing their thoughts to each other before responding. He knows the drill by now. Not to mention the fact that these two more than anyone else are constantly subjected to whatever the fuck is going on between Remus and Sirius, so their reactions are fair.
“You could bring it up.”
“They’ll just shut down again.”
“Then you can just leave things how they are for now and see what happens.”
Again he groans, it’s all he can do. “I hate my life. I’m going down to the dock if you idiots want to join.”
That sounds like a good enough plan to them, so they grab their own glasses of water or mugs of coffee and follow him out the back door. On their way down they run into some of the others sitting by the fire pit. Lily is in their hammock as they often are while Marlene and Mary are playing cards on the ground with a blanket under them.
“Have any of you seen Sirius?” He stops to ask, causing all three of them to pop their heads up at the sound of his voice.
“Down at the dock! She’s painting.” Lily helpfully answers.
Sirius hasn’t painted in a bit. She’s been drawing in her notebooks occasionally, but the paint supplies she brought have been untouched. Until now it seems. Which is great, because that always calms her and he loves seeing what she paints.
The three of them leave the others just as Dorcas emerges from their cabin to join them. The rest of the way to the dock is short but winds around some trees and the path becomes less and less existent. Just as they said, there is Sirius sitting with their easel propped in front of them, while they face it and the lake. Their back to the pathway. It’s unlikely they hear them coming, though not impossible.
As soon as they’re closer some leaves crunch below their feet, but soft melodies of music also fill their ears the closer they get. They’re playing music as they often are. Sirius has their hair clipped back and tied off messily. He’s pretty sure they had it cut recently so it’s not as long any more, but still brushes just at their collarbone, causing a few stray pieces to fall out of however their hair is being pulled back. It all frames their face nicely, Remus is a fan.
Though he can’t- shouldn’t say it. He has no idea what he even should say. On one hand he can just act as if everything is normal, like everything is the same as it always is. But that wouldn’t be true. Even before he had feelings for them, it wasn’t like this. They were always able to talk. That’s how he fell off the edge in the first place.
Remus will just have to pretend. He’s not always great at it, but he’s learned how to do it when he needs to. Especially for the sake of his friends. He doesn’t always show how much pain he is in when he’s exerted himself too much physically. Like on the hike the other day. Or how tired he gets, or when his energy runs out but he is still with the full group. Little things like that. Though he knows that Sirius pretends a lot more than that, so there’s really no harm in him pretending just as much when it comes to them now. It doesn’t even matter, it doesn’t even make a difference.
Just as the first footstep hits the dock, from James who walks the fastest, Sirius looks over their shoulder and puts the paint brush down. “Hey, what are you doing down here?”
“Looking for you of course.” James smiles.
“Why are you down here on your own? Everyone else is up by the fire pit.” Peter presses.
They only shrug and go back to painting. There’s not much to do about that. Remus doesn’t have a clue how to respond to them shrugging. It wouldn’t be the first time, but he’s never had a good answer. All he does instead is turn one of the chairs to make it more of a circle than a line and takes a seat. The other two sit down as well, but Sirius just keeps painting.
Fine, they don’t have to talk. It’s not like them to not talk to anyone. Remus, sure they go periods where they butt heads and don’t talk. But Peter, and even more so James, aren’t the same. Maybe it’s just today and they’re just in the mood to paint. That’s fine. Two, almost three, weeks all together all the time can be a lot. Anyone is more than entitled to say they need some alone time. The thing is though that they aren’t doing that, they’re just going quiet.
That however doesn’t mean the rest of them can’t talk near Sirius. They don’t have to participate if they don’t want to, but the rest of them can.
“Has anyone seen the baby Black?” Peter asks, mostly directing the question to James.
And he is more than happy to jump in on this topic. A bit too enthusiastic if you ask Remus, but it’s none of his business. “Think he went off to one of his hiding spots. I saw him just as he was slipping out of the room this morning but he didn’t say anything.”
“That sounds about right. Think he’ll find his way to the rest of the group at all today?”
“I hope so.” James leans back into the lounge chair, smiling.
“What are you smiling about Potter? He still hates you.”
To this, he takes offence. “No! No he doesn’t! I’m really starting to win him over, you just haven’t seen it yet.”
This leads into them rambling on and on about him. There really shouldn’t be that much to say, given that most of the time Regulus is off on his own, but somehow James finds a way. Then again, he can usually talk quite a bit about not very much. It’s clear, at least to Remus, what direction this seems to be going in. Perhaps one sided, but still in the very obvious direction of feelings. There is no way this is going to end well.
The sun hasn't come into view yet, so the heat of the day is still ahead. Their cabins, well the back of them that lead to the lake, face west. So the sun sets over it but rises out of view. That’s honestly preferred so that they can enjoy mornings on the dock without it being directly in the sun. Exactly like they are now.
In front of them the water is still. No one has touched it yet today, not from them or any other house that sits on it. It’s practically a mirror, a glass. It’s beautiful. Remus can see it in the distance, but he can also see it by looking at the canvas propped up in front of Sirius. They’re capturing the stillness perfectly somehow.
James chatters on, and Sirius drags the brushes across the canvas with precision, though oftentimes it seems haphazard, messy. Without rhyme or reason. Just the way Sirius seems to be themself. Though everything comes together in the end. In their art and themself. The brush strokes bringing the lake to life mesmerise Remus, but he’s still attempting to also listen to his friends that are talking.
Specifically, he tunes in when James starts to sound exponentially delusional. “I think I have a shot.”
“A shot at what exactly?” Peter entertains, rolling his eyes in the process.
“With him! He won’t admit it but I’m charming him and give it another week. You’ll see.”
“Er- James?” He treads carefully. “What exactly are your plans? You do know that his sibling, your best friend, is right here, yes? Maybe you should…”
With absolutely zero hesitation they throw a wrapper they dug out of their pocket, which has no reason to be there other than for perhaps this, at Sirius whose head is still facing away from them. It hits her in the shoulder, and she lets it. Remus can easily see the way she takes her next breath, measuring what she wants to do. Then after a beat, turns to look at them.
“Yes?” They coolly say.
“Hey Sirius.” James smiles. “Would you hate it if anything happened between your brother and me? Like would you kill me if I tried to date him?”
The nerve he has in asking is quite frankly insane. Though this is James and Sirius. There’s nothing bad between them ever. You can hardly pull them apart, let alone force them to disagree on anything. But surely this is an exception. Sirius is nothing if not protective over their little brother.
And yet. “No, go for it. If he’ll let you. Don’t hurt him or try anything he wouldn’t want.” That’s all they say. So casually.
It just doesn’t make sense. Right? They should be fuming, worried about things going wrong. Even just thinking about the worst case scenario, as they usually do. Which in this case for them, is things happening between James and Regulus and it all ending badly. Then they would be stuck between their best friend and their brother. They wouldn’t choose, he knows they wouldn’t, but it would still suck.
Even so they are incredibly chill about this all. Less than a second later they have turned back to painting. Maybe James just caught them on a good day. Well, a quiet day. Those aren’t usually the same days, but in this case they are. Sirius has days where they get really quiet, not talking much to anyone. Usually spending those days writing in their notebooks or if they feel up to it sitting with other people but not participating in conversations. Just like now.
For as long as he’s known them, they do that. It’s not a bad thing, it just is. Part of him wants to ask Regulus about it. There’s something behind all of it that maybe if Remus knew he would be able to help more. For now though he just leaves them be when they want time alone. James has been around them longer, and he says the same thing. It’s just Sirius, nothing more.
Which is okay, everyone can have their things. He won’t push them to do anything differently. All he ever wants with them is to understand deeper, to have more, to be more. Maybe if they were more, then he would be the one Sirius confides in. The one he goes to when he needs help. No one is quite sure who he goes to now. Sometimes it’s James, sometimes it is probably Regulus too. Rarely it is Remus or any of their other friends, not when it’s anything more than a minor annoyance.
At one point he’s pretty sure Sirius had a therapist. He never knew what to think of that. Though he never asked more. If Sirius brought it up then that’s that, which he would occasionally in a playful way, but never to talk about his own shit. Of which he has a lot, given the people who raised him or at least were meant to. It’s good for them to have someone to help them, especially knowing that they hate to burden their friends.
“You’re actually going to try something with him?” Remus nudges him.
“And you’re not scared he’s gonna bite you or something for it?” Peter tacks on to his question.
A smirk settles onto his face. “Wouldn’t be the worst thing if he bit me.”
Once again, Remus isn’t surprised by the words coming from James. But he is entirely confused at the lack of reaction from Sirius. Though if that’s how things are, then that’s great. They don’t seem to care about James and his potential relationship, or even the not-relationship between themself and Remus. They don’t seem to care about anything. Which is fine. The kiss, leading to nothing more than just a kiss, didn’t happen. If Sirius wants to erase it, then so can he.
He’s just so fucking sick of everything being so casual. They’re best friends, but that really can’t be all that they are. It’s different the way that they are best friends compared to them and James for example. Very different. Starting with the fact that they would probably talk about it with him. This is only going to get worse and worse the more he lets it fester in his mind.
There’s nothing else he can do with it though. They haven’t fucked since getting here, and his kiss was rejected, so maybe that’s his answer. They aren’t anything anymore. Not casual, not whatever they were before. And definitely nothing more. Better Remus accepts that now, right? That way he won’t keep trying, he won’t keep hoping for more. At least that’s the plan now. Let it all go. Fade into the past.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REGULUS
He’s embarrassed to say the least. No one knows why, not even the exact person he absolutely embarrassed himself in front of. Which should be good. That’s the best case scenario honestly. Right? It should be. His mind is the problem though.
Every time he closes his eyes, he’s right back in that stupid bed. Where there is meant to be a pillow acting as a barrier to keep him and James separated. A few days ago is when this started. The morning after the hike when he actually had an okay time talking with them. That’s when he woke up to an arm resting on his hip in the early hours of the morning.
That, to most people, would not be the end of the world. A mistake. Movement in the middle of the night. Unconscious. Right? That’s what he thinks it must be, but what if it was more to James? What if they did that on purpose to see how he would react?
So you see why it’s a problem. Regulus can’t stop ruminating about it, and there is no end in sight. There’s no one to even talk to about it. Not really, not anyone who can help. Despite that fact, he still finds himself this morning hiding up on the roof talking on the phone to Pandora. Explaining what happened a few days ago. Because right now, that’s all he can bear to share about the embarrassing things happening in the bed.
“Why are you so freaked out?” She asks, to which he groans.
“It’s just- it’s James.”
“Gonna need more words than that sweetheart. What about them? Oh-”
“No! Don’t say it. No.” He cuts her off, already knowing where her mind is.
They have been friends for years now. She was his first best friend. The first person to do any of the things a best friend is meant to do. The one person he can rely on when everyone else lets him down. Pandora helped fix his hair and most things about his appearance before every visit home to his parents and helped bring him back to seem like himself as soon as he was free from them again. The first person he came out to, and the person who probably understands him better than most. Other than Sirius of course.
“Well if you know what I’m going to say already, then it’s the same thing you’re thinking. It’s true then, yeah?”
“No. It’s not.” He’ll deny it over and over again.
He doesn’t like James. That would be an insane thing to think. Or do. He doesn’t like them, he hardly even tolerates them. It’s just, maybe it’s gotten easier to tolerate them over the last week. That’s all it is. Of all of his friends, Pandora is the best one to talk about this with, but that doesn’t actually mean all that much. Barty and Evan wouldn’t even attempt to help talk through it before making fun of him. At least she’s going to listen and come up with a solution to this problem. He hopes that’s true at least.
“Okay, so it’s not. Why did you call to tell me this then?”
“Because your idiot of a brother would immediately laugh in my face.”
She exhales the faintest laugh. “You act like I don’t find this just as ridiculous. I’m just nicer about it. Now, let’s talk this through. You’re freaking out because their hand, while they were asleep, touched you over the covers. Am I getting that right?”
“No, well yes. But,” Regulus drops his head back and drapes his arm over his face. “It’s not just that…”
When he called her, this was not part of what he was going to say. He didn’t want to admit this part. The worst part of this all. The real scene that plays over and over in his head. The incriminating part that Pandora is really going to have a field day with. Even now, with his eyes shut he can see the curve of James’ arms in the bed. The dips of his chest, the crinkle of his nose, the gentle way his eyes lay shut without his glasses there. The soothing sounds of his every breath. Soft and slow. Entirely asleep and dreaming through the night.
“Is it that you didn’t immediately throw his arm off of you? That you didn’t scream at him for crossing a boundary that you stupidly created for no reason?” She speculates.
“No, okay maybe a little.”
It is however, the way he woke up to his own head buried against their chest. So much so that he could feel their every breath. Their legs were so close to being intertwined. Brushing in more than a few places. Regulus could smell him, a sweet scent that if he thinks about it, he can still feel inside his nose. It was only this morning, two hours earlier. He’s hardly done anything since that moment. Other than scrambling out of bed as stealthily and quickly as possible before James could wake up and see what happened.
Though maybe he did anyway and chose to leave him be like that. Maybe James wanted Regulus to cuddle into him and let him continue sleeping like that until he woke up on his own. Was James just pretending not to notice? And if he does, then does he think that Regulus did it on purpose? Basically he can never show his face again, this is the worst possible thing to ever happen.
If anyone else were here, they would be able to so easily see the pink flooding his cheeks right now. Just like it did when he woke up nose to chest. Hopefully, he really fucking hopes that James didn’t notice. Otherwise he would have been able to feel the heat of his blush, he’d be able to feel what Regulus feels in his chest every time he thinks about it.
But he’s alone. No one is up here on the roof with him, just Pandora talking to him through the phone. She won’t stop pestering him until he gives up the details of this morning. He had to have seen that coming, and he really did. That doesn’t mean he has to like it. Because admitting what happened, even though nothing actually happened, to Pandora of all people, brings the feelings back. Forcing himself to confront it all.
“Oh you’re down so bad.” She tuts when he finishes his recount.
“What do I do now? I can’t face him after this.”
“You’re going to have to, Reg. Maybe it’ll go really well.”
Genuinely, he doesn’t think he can get back in that bed tonight. Even before that, he can’t possibly look them in the eye or even be near them without the memories flooding in again. They’re hardly even memories, it was only this morning. Regulus isn’t quite sure what it is, if not a memory. A flashback, a dream- no a nightmare. A lapse, a mistake. He’ll call it anything but what it actually is. Out loud or in his head, he won’t say it.
But it’s there clear as day, as clear as the blue sky overhead right now. As clear as anything ever has been. It’s written across his face, it’s tattooed on his mind. It’s laced in every thought he has, it’s infesting the cabin and this whole trip. It’s a pulsating feeling that he wants to shove to the darkest corner if he can extinguish it. Whether he faces it, which he won’t, or ignores it, the obvious course of action, it’s only growing.
It’s desire.
And he fucking hates it.
Just like he hates James, of course.
“I’m not going to do anything, I don’t want to. Dora can you just think logically for a minute. Help me.” Regulus has always hated asking for help, but sometimes it’s the only choice.
“Have a little fun, it doesn’t have to be anything you don’t want it to be.” Her voice is smooth, just before she chirps loudly into the phone. “Got to go, tell me how it goes! Love you!”
Then the line is dead and he’s fully alone now. Except for a bird that’s settled onto the other side of the roof. It’s looking at him weird. That is not what he wants right now. As if the stupid bird knows what he’s feeling and is siding against him on it. Urging him to do something about it. All of a sudden it starts to creep toward him and he scrambles. Making sure to grab his phone, he quickly darts back in through the window before the bird can get any closer.
It’s not even noon and this has already been way too long of a day. If taking a nap just to stop dealing with the day didn’t require getting back into that cursed bed, then he probably would. He just needs a minute to breathe. It’s not like anything has even actually happened. He’s freaking out over nothing. Just say that over and over again. That will make it true.
Regulus is just being insane. Not something he would usually admit. The insanity runs deep in their family, but Sirius shows more of it than he does. The delusional thoughts and not knowing how to handle most situations. Especially those involving… Well this just makes him sound even crazier. He can’t say situations involving love interests, because that is absolutely not what James is to him right now. His sibling won’t admit it either, but everyone knows when it comes to anyone they like, mostly just Remus, they can tend to be a bit crazy. So he’s not doing that with this, it’s not even the same thing.
Not at all. He’s just talking himself in circles. Which is an awful thing to do. See, he can be logical. Not insane. He’s thinking more clearly, all he really needs is to get his mind off of this entirely. When he gets back inside the main part of the cabin, no one is around. He finds a window that he knows he can’t be seen from, and finds that practically everyone is outside. At least he thinks it’s everyone. He can't see all the way down to the lake from here.
The best thing he can think to do right now is to take a page from arty’s book. Get too intoxicated to think about the things he doesn’t want to think about. And his own spin on it. That being, to hope as hard as he can that he doesn’t get too intoxicated that he acts on the stupid desire that’s settled in his stomach.
In the fridge there are plenty of cans and bottles of different drinks. Most of which are alcoholic. Because apparently this group loves to get drunk even though they make enough awful decisions and lack any communication skills while sober. Regulus is excluded from that generalisation, obviously. There’s bottles of liquor somewhere too, but for this early in the day, a seltzer is a less concerning option.
He grabs a few and knowing that someone would say something about him trying to drink alone, he puts them back immediately. Not that he has a problem with doing that, but if no one else, Sirius would have plenty to say. He would somehow barge in here just as he takes a sip ready to lecture him on drinking too much. As if Sirius isn’t someone who does that anyway. So instead, Regulus ends up laying on the sofa, just biding his time until something happens.
It doesn’t take long for things to fall into place. The door, now out of view from him, swings open and shut rather harshly. He pops up to see what’s happening, not because he cares all that much, but it’s something else to think about. That’s all he’s after right now. A distraction, many distractions. Mary is now exactly where he was, rummaging through the fridge and pulling out one of the same cans he just put back.
“Want someone to drink with?” He asks, doing it mostly for the benefit of getting to drink.
“Alright, better not drink alone. What’s got you needing something this early?” She grabs a second can for him and settles in across from him.
“We don’t have to do that. I’m not going to talk about me, just need a distraction and a drink.”
“Noted. Cheers then.” Mary nods and takes a large sip, he follows suit. “Mind if I talk though?”
“Go for it, MacDonald.”
Is it bad that he says that knowing he’s not planning to listen very much? He’s been here three weeks now and he’s already tired of hearing about all of their lives. No one tells each other how they feel and yet multiple of them have come to him, feeling like they can talk about it at him. Now necessarily with him, though sometimes he will chime in. Give his two cents. Most of the time though, everyone is just being dramatic. Not always, but something tells him Mary is going to be.
The seltzer goes down his throat smooth and the fact that he’s not talking makes it easy for him to finish it quickly. He gets up to get another while she’s still talking. Something about one of her friends and school. All of them are going into their last year of uni, Regulus still has two more. He doesn’t care to hear how excited they all are to be done with it.
It’s been a common topic among a lot of them for some reason. This summer holiday is apparently a last hurrah or something. Though most of them live together at school and will spend countless hours and days and weeks and months together. Some of them will likely live together for the rest of their lives. But none of that is his business. What he does appreciate though is that Sirius doesn’t bring up school. They’re just happy enjoying the summer, though they were the one to plan it all. They just have no interest when the topic of uni comes up, always changing it as quickly as they can.
“- didn’t realise how much I like her until now. I mean maybe it’s always been there, but lately it’s just…” Mary slumps back, but before she can continue the winded monologue she’s been delivering, he interrupts.
“If you’re sure about your feelings, do something about it. If you’re not, just… ignore them. Now can we stop talking about liking people.”
“Sure! I can tell you have a secret, I’ll let you keep it and protect the facade you’ve created Baby Black.” She gives him a look and Regulus hates the way she’s trying to read him.
“I don’t and we’re not going to talk about it even if it did exist.” He groans and finishes off the second can. “Do you want another one?”
“You do realise it’s the middle of the day. Yeah, I do.”
And that’s how the morning bleeds into the afternoon and then the day is practically over before he even realises. Far too many cans have been emptied into his mouth. Even still, no one comes into the cabin to find either of them. Mary puts music on at some point which fills the silences between them. It’s a great day in his book. Not having to talk much and being able to ignore all of his thoughts.
Nothing to worry about. His mind can’t even focus on anything which is even better. Maybe that means the thoughts he doesn’t want have gotten themselves lost and when he’s sober again he won’t be able to find them. None of it even matters because nothing will happen and at the end of this summer, he’ll part ways with everyone here except Sirius, and that will be that.
This was always temporary. A mistake, a fluke, an accident. He’s only here because he happened to get kicked out and the only place he knew to go was the Potter’s to find Sirius. All year, they never said anything about this trip to him. Months of planning and the first Regulus heard about it was when he turned up days before they were leaving and he got a pity invite.
Which is fine really, he’s over that by now. Even without wanting the validation that he’s wanted on this trip he’s gotten it. Sirius has shown that they want him here, and everyone else has welcomed him too. That doesn’t entirely change that he’s an extra piece, in the way, not needed. So he’s not going to further insert himself into any of this because in a month and a half he’ll part ways and go back to just passing by these people in their separate lives.
His mind catches here, of course it does. Because he was always a spare growing up and he is one now. living in Sirius’ shadow until they were gone and then living in the shadow of someone he is not. Now that he’s out of that house, well he doesn't know where to go from here. He can do anything. There is no longer a path paved for Regulus, no expectations. Nothing.
If he wants these to be his friends, not just Sirius’… Well he could have that. If he wanted. If, being the key word. He doesn’t. He has his own friends waiting for him that will be there to make sure he stays above water and help him to navigate life on his own. It’s all going to be okay. Sirius will help too, and they’ve already said that the Potters will help too, Effie confirmed that herself.
He doesn’t want help from them though, because that also means James, and he doesn’t like James. Through the corner of his eye he sees the door swing open. And there stands the very same. James.
“What are you doing?”
Regulus was almost certain that he hadn’t gotten too drunk. Though he stands up quickly, scrambling at the sound of James’ voice, and stumbles almost immediately. He can’t help it, but he wishes that he could. This is just embarrassing. Luckily it’s just him getting his feet firmly planted below him. In his defence, the sofa is just very comfortable and he hadn’t stood up in what has probably been a few hours.
“Nothing. Hanging out. Right Mary?” He spits the words out, hoping there is no slurring.
“Yessir, nothing at all. I’m not sad. You’re sad!”
“Me?” James looks confused. “Are you drunk? What’s wrong?”
They go over to Mary, who is definitely drunk. She instantly lets her head fall onto their shoulder as they sit down and wrap an arm around her. James is gentle and brushes the hair from in front of her face. Their face is soft and sunkissed from likely sitting down on the dock all of today. Some freckles have started to dust his nose and cheeks and forehead, subtly poking through his gorgeous brown skin.
He’s staring, he knows he is. But he can’t stop. From across the room he can’t hear what James is whispering in her ear, but it's surely words of comfort. Checking in on her. Making sure that she’s okay. James is sweet like that. Caring. Always so observant and willing to do anything for the people they care about. Regulus admires that.
Just like that his mind is once again flooded with thoughts about James and he hates it. Why are they so stupid and pretty and sweet? It’s awful and makes it incredibly hard to hate him. That’s what he’s supposed to do. Regulus should hate him. Not whatever this is.
“Can you get a glass of water?” James asks, and he just stares blankly back. “For Mary, and probably for yourself too.”
He goes right to the kitchen to get water. Filling one glass and then thinking for a second and knowing that he’s right. So he pours himself one too and carries them back over. As James continues soothing Mary, who has a few tears trailing down her cheeks now, he can’t help but wonder how it would be if it were him. Would James comfort him the same way, or is this just what he knows Mary needs?
Would he even want that? No, he doesn’t want to be in James’ arms. That’s absurd, he doesn’t want to curl into him and breathe him in. He doesn’t want those strong arms holding him together on nights that he breaks. He doesn’t want James to be the one to put the pieces of him back together. He doesn’t want them helping him through anything.
But wouldn’t it be nice if he had that? Wouldn’t it be nice if he deserved something like that? If he could have someone that good.
James wouldn’t like him though. He’s not the type of person they would like. Whatever thoughts he had this morning thinking that they knew about the almost cuddling that has happened are gone. there’s no way they know. They would be telling him off for it if they knew. Making sure he knows that nothing will happen between them. That he’s just Sirius’ little brother and they’re being nice to him for that reason. Nothing else.
“What happened?” James asks again, directed at him though.
“We both wanted to drink. That’s all.”
They scrunch their nose, and he stupidly finds it cute. “Mary doesn’t usually do that.” James looks down at her, but her eyes are glazed over, not listening to anything anymore. “Do you know if something happened with her? Wh did you want to drink in the middle of the day, should I be concerned?”
“No, it's fine. I’m fine. She said something about feelings and I didn’t keep listening.” He really isn’t sure, but that seems to clue James in enough that they nod and card their fingers through her hair again.
“I’m going to bring her over to her cabin. Everyone is probably coming in here soon to make dinner by the way. Want to help me cook when I get back?”
Regulus isn’t expecting it, to be asked to do anything. Normally he would say no immediately. That’s what they are expecting him to say. But he doesn’t. He nods. He wants to, stupidly, but he wants to nonetheless.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
LILY
It’s been hours since she’s seen Mary. She should probably go look for her.
Much earlier she went up to the cabin and never came back down to hang out with them. Most of the afternoon Lily played cards with Marlene and when that got boring, she and Sirius went out on a paddleboard. They weren’t up for talking too much, so they didn’t. Sirius gets like that sometimes, it’s normal. Not frequent, but in the weeks they’ve been here they haven’t really had a quiet day yet, so it was bound to happen soon.
They’re talking more now, so it’s all okay. When it goes on for too long she will sometimes worry if something is wrong, but they’re at least talking now. It’s the whole group of them, except Mary, at the fire pit. Sirius is talking quietly to Remus next to them. Not full sentences from what she can see, but more than earlier. It’s really nice to see the two of them talking, if only they would communicate.
She can’t really talk though. Neither of them would listen to Lily’s advice if she even tried. While they’re on one side of the fire looking at each other with undeniable love between them going completely unsaid, she’s over here stealing glances at Dorcas. Not talking about it either. The difference though is that they haven’t so much as kissed. Yet. At least she’s admitting her own feelings in her head now.
It’s there, and it’s going to burn her up if something doesn’t happen soon.
When Lily was little, everyone around her had crushes. Petunia seemed to change who she had a crush on every week, sometimes everyday, when they were in their early teens. Being a bit older, as it started Lily looked up to her sister. Excited to reach that stage of things. Where she would find boys cute and to want to be in a relationship.
That never really came. Petunia started dating and she was told she was still too young. Another two years, then she could find a boyfriend. She just needed to grow up a little bit more. She understood that, thinking that those feelings would come when she grew up, when she was old enough. So when they didn’t, she pretended. She would remember the things that Petunia said about boys she dated or crushes she had and find ways to use those about different boys she picked out from her classes.
It fooled her for a while. It’s not that Lily wanted to pretend, she just wanted to have something to talk about with her sister. Before boys were a topic of conversation, their conversations were easier. It could be about them running around the garden playing make believe, or Tuney teaching her to braid hair. It was easier then. They spent all of their time together. And then Petunia constantly had a boyfriend, and Lily was left on her own.
Questioning everything. Worrying about not being good enough, thinking that something was wrong with her. Why did Petunia get to be so perfect and they were left with the scraps? Why are they the broken one? Why why why why why-
All through school, she would only pretend to have crushes when Petunia asked. Just so that they would still have something to talk about. But really, they just wanted to live their life and make amazing friends. Which is what they did. They didn’t date anyone, they didn’t have any crushes. They spent time with their friends and that was enough to be happy. Though Petunia thought she was being silly, she should want to find a good boyfriend.
Once they were in uni, they saw their friends falling for people and well, each other sometimes. That was great, they’ve always been happy for them. They focused on themself, now having incredible friends, they were able to figure themself out. Figure out who Lily is and what makes them happy. So they did that, and still never really felt the things Petunia would tell her about.
So they stopped listening to Tuney as their guiding light for how things are meant to be. That’s her big sister, but maybe she doesn’t know everything. The world shattered with that realisation. Five year old Lily would scream and cry if anyone told her that. But twenty year old Lily, they understand. They’re not fooled by it. Not even because they aren’t talking now, the illusion broke before then.
Looking at Dorcas now, their face illuminated, glowing, from the light of the fire, they know the feeling that Petunia spent years telling her about. It’s a real feeling, presenting itself right in front of her clear as day. After years and years of thinking it was something made up. Just as fake as the fairies that she and Tuney would pretend to be as kids. It’s not. It’s real and the feeling in her chest is intense. The butterflies her sister would always describe are fluttering in her stomach.
All she wants to do is call her to tell her. To tell her that even though Lily thought she was exaggerating all of those times, that she was right. Liking someone, really liking someone, it’s incredible and horrible and everything in between. Petunia was right and Lily gets it now. They can’t call her though. She’s not talking to them and she doesn’t even know that this is the first crush Lily’s had.
It would shatter the facade of late night conversations they had while crawling into each other's beds as kids. It would break something between them even more than is already broken. Petunia would be angry at them for lying, and if she isn’t angry, she would laugh at them. So maybe it’s good that they aren’t talking right now. At least these memories will stay intact for Petunia and she won’t find another reason to hate them.
It doesn’t stop the tug in their chest at the hole left by their sister. It only makes it bigger.
“What are you looking at Red?”
She nearly blushes, but keeps it under control. “Nothing sorry.” A lie, everyone knows it’s a lie.
Dorcas nods their head the slightest bit and turns back to Peter. They only caught Lily staring for just that second. She had been looking for a lot longer, hopefully they didn’t realise. That would be mortifying. Just like Petunia would talk about with all of her former crushes. This is just part of it.
And just like that, she’s staring again. After looking away for a minute, not daring to be caught again. She’s right back staring at the way their lips move around each word coming out of their mouth. The way they twist the rings on their fingers while listening or talking. The light reflecting off the clasps in their hair.
“Lily.” A foot collides with their leg and they snap their attention away from Dorcas. “You’re staring again. You’re down so bad.” Marlene whispers, though they are still a little bit embarrassed by the lack of control they have over their eyes and mind.
“I’m no- okay maybe. I’m trying not to.” They can’t even deny it.
“It’s okay. I won’t say anything if you don’t want me to. But if you two decide to do a little more than eye fucking each other, just give me a heads up and we can switch rooms. Deal?”
That’s not at all what they were expecting. Sure Lily has hinted at her own feelings with some people and apparently she is awful at hiding it when Dorcas is around, but to talk about it so out right. For Marlene to just suggest. They’ve been thinking about it though. And now they’re wondering whether Dorcas has been to. Have they talked about it with anyone? Are they feeling the same way? Do they even like her back?
Even more than that, Lily has no idea what they would even want or what could even happen. They’re certain these are real feelings. It matches up with everything Petunia would say and with how Sirius and Remus talk about each other, despite not doing anything about it. They don’t want to end up like them, no offence but it doesn’t look very fun. But if all they can have of them is sex, well that wouldn’t be the worst thing. Right? Lily could live with that.
More, something real , would be better. So much better. But at this point, having accepted her feelings, well she can’t take nothing. That’s no longer an option. Unless Dorcas rejects her, which they would have every right to do. She just doesn’t know where to go from here. They hardly talk when they’re alone together, much less talk about feelings. The next time it’s just them, they can try talking. Start with something little, but still more than usual. Then… See what happens. It’s all Lily can do really. But if Marlene can tell all of this, it’s more likely that Dorcas has shown signs too.
Everyone is down here right now, so now can’t be the time to try anything. But she wants it to be, she’s tired of waiting. Now that she can recognize the feeling she needs to act on it. Everyone else could occupy themselves, the group doesn’t always need Dorcas and them. Sirius and Remus can keep ignoring the conversations they need to have while still sitting incredibly close to each other. James seems to be pining after Regulus, who is trying to hide the fact that he’s drooling over them. It’s not that hidden, though James has yet to catch on. Marlene and Peter never need anyone else to create entertainment on their own. And Mary is supposedly in bed, so really, nothing is stopping them.
Maybe communicating would be the way to start this, or at least an attempt at it. But that’s far too logical. They don’t even know if feelings are returned. They will not be tempting fate with possible rejection in front of everyone. Instead they just catch Dorcas’ eye just before they get up and head toward the porch. It’s an out of view spot, perfect for them to talk if they follow.
There’s no movement behind her the whole two minute walk. But that would be too obvious. Their friends all love to make fun of anyone anytime they are obvious about going to hook up with someone. Even if it’s not actually what’s happening, that hardly matters. So Dorcas is hopefully just giving it a few minutes. To be cool about it, nothing big. Just two friends seeing what more there is. Hopefully. Lily has no idea what they’re thinking.
They would normally slide down to sit against the side of the house, but they can’t. Not right now. Their nerves are starting to take over, so they pace. Lily looks between the trees to see if they can steal a clear glance at the fire pit with no luck. To ease the jitters, they look now to the sky. It’s perfectly clear tonight and every star in the sky is visible. Every last one that sits above the horizon this time of year.
While waiting they start to pick out the constellations they can recognize and tracing them with their eyes. A few minutes more pass by. Hope is nearly lost. Not entirely, but maybe just for tonight. This isn’t the only chance. Just the first one that Lily opted to take. The first leap of many. And then there are footsteps behind her. She freezes, not ready to turn and actually face this.
She’ll let Dorcas break the silence.
“Lily?”
Her heart drops.
“Oh.” A gasp leaves her lips and disappointment paints her face before she turns around.
“What are you doing out here?” Mary asks, brows furrowing slightly.
“Just needed a minute alone.” It’s not the full truth, but she doesn’t want to face the fact that Dorcas didn’t follow.
Mary’s breath catches, but she shakes it off. “I’ll leave you be then. You know where to find me if you need anything.” Before Lily can say anything or reach out to stop her, she’s gone. She’s not even sure if she would have stopped her.