Part III
REMUS
Down in the water at the cabins there is a giant blow up slide sitting in the middle of the lake. Remus wants absolutely no part of this. He has never wanted any part of it. On the schedule that seems to exist but no one other than Sirius has actually seen, today is just a lake day. Whenever asked, they won’t say what the upcoming activities are. With the one exception of when they said to not stay up too late or drink too much two nights ago. The plan the following morning was getting up at an ungodly hour to watch the sunrise.
Ominously, Sirius also said that there would be more of those and gave no other information. They love that everything is a surprise. Pretty much everyone is also content with it, for now at least. It’s only a week into the trip, there’s no telling how long that sentiment will last. But they’re running with it while it’s in their favour.
“You’re coming, aren’t you?” Sirius stops at the chair he’s sitting in on the dock.
“I wasn’t planning on it, no.”
Their face falls for a moment from the bright grin that was there before, but it’s back as quickly as it left. “Well if you change your mind, I will be on the slide. You should join me, I promise it’s fun.”
It’s not that it doesn’t look fun, it just doesn’t look like the kind of fun that he enjoys. This whole time so far Remus hasn’t gone in the lake at all. Again, it’s not that he doesn’t feel comfortable going in, but he prefers land. Sitting on the dock. Sitting up in the cabins. The relaxing part of the trip rather than the active part. He doesn’t have the best track record with physical activity either, given his past with injuries and joint problems. That’s all.
There will be plenty of days that he’ll get up and do more than just sit here with a book and enjoy the sun. Maybe he just got to an exciting part of the book that’s in his lap, that can be it. Not wanting to go has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Sirius has barely shown any interest in him while they have been here. None at all, not any more than every single other of their friends here. Remus is no one special. Even at night, they’re exhausted and fall asleep before him every night.
Remus will be in the bathroom showering or just simply brushing his teeth and when he returns to the bed, she’s asleep. Rolled over and facing the other way. That’s fine too. They don’t always share a bed back at uni, only on nights that they also fuck. This is just something for him to get used to. Or maybe she doesn’t want him as much anymore. Everyone just expects them to share a room. There’s no other configuration that makes sense. He’s overthinking it, he knows he is.
But what else can he do when it’s Sirius .
And because it’s Sirius, the next time he looks up, they’re already pulling themself out of the water and up to climb to the top of the giant slide. Their hair is stuck to the back of their neck and their swimsuit is hanging on their hips and Remus can’t help but stare. It’s not his fault they’re so pretty. Even after days in the sun they’re still pale, but it’s the prettiest shade of pale with drops of water helping to reflect the light.
Their right foot slips as they try to fit it in the next foothold, but they hang on. James is up top waiting for them, lounging against the other side as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. He can’t hear their conversation, but he can see their lips moving. Likely either mocking Sirius or cheering them on. Both are equally plausible scenarios.
This whole time Remus has yet to pick his book back up. The others from the second cabin are just coming down to the lake now. It’s still early enough in the day that it’s no surprise he hasn’t seen any of them yet. Over there they don’t have Sirius rousing everyone early to get up and enjoy the day. He’s almost positive that they all get to lie in and have a leisurely breakfast every morning.
This morning when he woke up, Sirius was already out of bed and making himself toast in the kitchen. The morning before, he was found sitting on the porch drinking a cup of coffee. Possibly not even his first, given that the coffee pot was half empty already. It’s a miracle Sirius has so much energy, he hardly sleeps as it is, not even considering that they’re up earlier everyday here than back at school. Most of the time they have been doodling in a notebook, but they don’t seem to be writing anything.
Remus doesn’t pry. He only grabs his own mug, fills it with coffee, and joins them wherever they have decided to sit each morning. They sometimes talk, they sometimes just enjoy the quiet. It’s never an awkward silence. Despite all of the unsaid things between them that pound in his mind. He should say something. Hell, he should just kiss them. None of that no strings attached type of kissing they do in bed. Just a kiss.
He doesn’t. And every day he ends up here, or somewhere just like here. Watching them. Pretending to read when he hasn’t processed a single word in this book any time that he’s opened it with Sirius anywhere around. Remus doesn’t want to mess it up. That’s the thing, that’s what it all comes back to. If having Sirius like this, whatever this is, is all he can have, that’s better than losing them forever. Messing things up so badly that they can’t be fixed.
Remus isn’t going to push. For fear that it would push Sirius over the edge and not in the way he wants.
“What are you doing sitting here?” Lily leans her elbows on his shoulders from behind. “Shouldn’t you be out there with them?”
“What about that contraption says Remus Lupin to you?” He rolls his eyes.
The others are right behind Lily, putting their towels and other miscellaneous items down on the chairs on the dock. Dorcas plops themself down right at the edge, hanging their feet over the side. They seem to be contemplating jumping right in. Mary and Marlene flatten their towels on the open space of the dock and lay down, sunglasses covering their eyes.
“Just about everything if I’m honest.” Marlene replies with an eye roll.
“This is much more your speed than mine.”
“Oh come on. I’m going to go try it out.” They strip their oversized button up shirt off and reach a hand out, prompting him. “Do it once with me and if you really don’t like it then you can come back here and be all grumpy.”
Remus sighs, but pulls his own shirt off and gets up from the chair. “I’m not grumpy. Fine, if I get hurt in the process you are who I blame, Lily.”
“I’m willing to take that risk. Now go!”
Before he can slowly get in the water as he had planned, she’s pushing him in right off the end of the dock. Dorcas gets splashed with the water that jumps up around him. He turns around empathetically and gives a soft smile. They don’t even feign annoyance, shooing him off to swim over to the slide. Lily hops in after him and catches up very quickly.
Over on the slide, Remus can’t see either of them any more, assuming they slid down the other side. It’s harder than he thought it would be to pull himself out of the water and up onto the platform. From there he then has to pull himself to the top of it. As payback, as soon as Lily gets up he pushes them back into the water. They stick their tongue out at him but climb right back up, easier the second time than the first.
Just as they’re reaching the top, James and Sirius have swum around to climb back up. He almost thinks he sees Sirius’ face drop at the sight of him, but it might have just been the light. They are smiling brightly as soon as the sun isn’t shining right on them. Remus brushes it off, they wanted him to join and here he is. That’s good right? Exactly what they wanted.
“I’m assuming it’s fun since you're already back up to go down again?” Lily asks once they reach the top.
“Very. Too much fun to only do it once.” James exclaims.
“See for yourself.” They say, but directed at Lily, who Sirius proceeds to push from their seated position.
She goes flying down with more speed than anyone probably should on this thing, and a moment later is crashing into the water. Her head goes all the way under and she stays there for a second before popping back up. Water comes spitting out of her mouth and she brushes her hair out of her face, slicking it back. Just as she gets out of the way, James throws themself down the slide. Not needing to be pushed to get the same insane momentum as her. When Remus goes down, which he will, just give him a second, he will be going slowly. Ideally not getting fully submerged at the bottom. That doesn’t sound particularly fun to him.
“Want to go down together?” He suggests, trying to meet Sirius’ eyes.
“Hm?” They come out of their brief daze. “Oh okay sure.”
“Come on,” Remus reaches a hand out.
Before taking it they pause. They never usually pause when it comes to him, he doesn’t like the feeling it gives him. “You didn’t come when I asked you to.”
“Lily pushed me off the dock, I wasn’t going to. But I’m here now, I want to go down the slide with you. Just you.” He clearly states.
Maybe it’s a bit heavy handed, but he means it. In more ways than just this. He only ever wants Sirius. On this stupid blow up slide, by his side when they’re just hanging out, in bed at night. Always. It’s always going to be Sirius for him, and there’s no way around that. Nothing will change it for him. Remus isn’t sure what they want, he’s never been sure of what they want. But maybe everyone else is right. He needs to start making it clear even if they won’t.
What’s there to lose? Just everything, so really it’s fine.
“Alright yeah.” Sirius links their hands just as they always do and they fit perfectly. “Let’s go!”
Before he can even think, he’s being yanked down the slide. The rubber burns the back of his legs just a little bit. Too much of the water dripped off him, and it would be a lot more enjoyable if the slide were more wet to decrease the friction. But it is fun. He will admit being wrong about that. They break through the water together causing quite a big splash.
The water sprays above his head, but Remus manages to stay above for the most part. Sirius on the other hand goes completely below the surface. Once the water clears from where they splashed in, he keeps an eye out and reaches around for them. With no luck. He spins around while treading water, and can’t find them anywhere. Where the fuck did they go?
And then something grabs his leg. No, some one . “Sirius!” He jerks away.
They pop up, smiling at him. “Hi.”
By late in the afternoon everyone has come and gone from down at the dock more times than you can count. Getting snacks and bringing them down, bringing the garbage from the same snacks back up, grabbing dry towels because more than one got too wet to continue using. Every possible reason, you name it. Remus went in to get out of the sun for a little bit, he really shouldn’t spend hours on end under the sun. No one should, but he tries his best not to do that. His ma would be proud of him, she’s always the one telling him to take care of his skin.
For most of the day, no one saw Regulus. Well, Remus didn’t, and no one else seemed to know where he ended up. Some days he’s more willing to spend time with everyone, but others he’s off on his own somewhere. Sirius usually knows or can guess where he is, but they don’t always go looking. It’s probably overwhelming for him to be with all of them. Their group can be… a lot. Even at their best.
Right now he’s off on a paddleboard a little ways from the shore. He came down to the dock without a word, grabbed a paddle and got onto the board and pushed off. As if he has been using paddleboards his entire life. A natural. Sirius came back down from the cabin not long after, and has just settled into a spot under the sun, lying on the dock.
“Is he still out there?” He asks, while his arm is draped over his eyes blocking the sun.
“Yeah, still standing too.” Remus answers, he’s impressed.
James abruptly stands up and looks around. “Where’s the other board? I’m going to go and try to meet him out there.”
“That’s not the best idea. Doesn’t he not like you very much?” Lily asks, and Sirius snorts in response.
“I think he’s warming up to me! I even get to sleep in a bed now!”
Before anyone can stop him, he’s located the board. The second paddle is leaning against a tree just at the edge of the water, which he grabs before trying to stand up on the board. Remus would have thought it would be easy, by the way Regulus so effortlessly did it. On their first try, James stumbles but catches themself. On their second try, they nearly fall over. Finally, they just settle for kneeling on the board and start paddling away.
They give a wave to everyone sitting on the dock and set off for their demise. Otherwise known as going after Regulus when he doesn’t seem to want to be bothered. It’s their choice, a poor choice, but their’s all the same. It takes a while and they aren’t the best at paddling, but eventually it looks like they get the hang of it.
Nothing of interest seems to be happening, so Remus tries to go back to reading. It’s an attempt that fails, but he tries anyway. There are too many conversations going on around him to actually focus on any of the words on the page. He should realise it will be like this by now, but if he’s going to do anything when he has time to relax, he’s going to try to read. Everyone around him continues talking, but his attention is too split to actually pick up on anything being said.
That is until, what can be described as a scream of pure peril comes from out in the middle of the lake. Every head shoots up and turns to look. They all know where it’s coming from. There’s really only one option. And the scream doesn’t sound like James, because somehow they have all heard them scream disturbingly loud at one point or another. So this has to be Regulus. His sibling is the first to register and they nearly dive into the water to swim out to him.
“What the fuck?” Sirius yells but remains on the dock when they can see their brother’s head break through the surface again. Still screaming.
“Well that went exactly as I imagined it would.” Laughter comes from Marlene, who is right, and Peter.
The two aren’t far out in the lake, but still too far to be able to understand what either of them are saying. In Remus’ head, James is apologising and trying to make a joke of the situation. While Regulus is absolutely chewing him out for causing him to fall in the water. At least that’s what it looks like. He wasn’t planning on going in, what with still wearing a shirt and his supreme balancing skills on the paddleboard.
He scrambles back onto his board and instead of standing up he just takes a seat with his arms crossed over his chest. From land he even looks to be shivering a little bit. It’s not quite cold enough for that to be genuine, but he’s a Black. If anything they will always be dramatic. James swims around, only sort of holding onto his own board, giving up hope of getting back on. It didn’t go very well when he started from land so this would only be worse.
When they both make it back to the dock five or so minutes later, the bickering has only intensified. Though James seems to just be listening rather than responding. They know better than to do that. Or so everyone assumes.
“I am going to murder you in your sleep,” is the first thing Remus coherently hears.
“What a lovely way to go. Will it be tonight?” James smirks, somehow finding this enjoyable.
“You know what, I shouldn’t have dragged you back to the dock. I should have left you out there, that would have been better.”
“They can swim, you know.” Sirius stupidly argues.
Regulus grabs the nearest towel to wrap around himself and storms off back to the cabin. If he didn’t already regret joining them, he does now. On the opposite end of things, James doesn’t get out of the lake and just floats on his back next to the dock. He seems content, not even caring that Regulus has spent the better part of ten minutes screaming at him.
“Him yelling at you doesn’t mean he’s warming up to you.” Remus fills in the blanks of James’ thoughts.
“I think he is! Just you wait, give it another day and I’ll even have him laughing.”
“Good luck with that. He’s miserable and enjoys being miserable.” Sirius looks upset but is trying to brush it off. “Maybe I should go talk to him, make sure he’s alright.”
“Give him a few before you run after him.” Lily suggests, and they hate that they know she’s right, but they listen.
“Is anyone going to get in the water with me?” He looks up at the group on the dock.
James starts to pout, but can’t hold it. He never can, they all can see right through him. Though that doesn’t make all of them immune to following along with his ideas. Marlene is already rolling over to stand up and putting her sunglasses off to the side. She backs up and gets a running start to jump into the lake. Going right over James’ head and splashing in.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REGULUS
It takes a bit to feel dry again. His shirt isn’t going to dry for at least a day probably, it’s soaked through. But the rest of him he can dry off with a towel. The lake water feels dirty so even after drying off he still needs to shower. Regulus locks the door to the room and also to the bathroom before getting in the shower. Everyone will still be down at the lake he assumes, but just in case anyone stupidly decides to follow him.
The hot water of the shower instantly makes him feel better. That and washing his hair, twice, gets the grime off of him. He’s not even that much of a clean freak, but comparatively he might be. Everything here is just a little bit gross and being outside leaves a layer on his skin that he doesn’t care to get used to. It was fine the first few days, but at this point he’s had it.
It’s already been a week. Which feels like the longest week of his life, but it’s also hard to believe it’s already been that long. The best part is that this means Andromeda is back from her trip, so if he can figure out a way to get back to London, he has somewhere to stay.
Once out of the shower, a shower that lasted half an hour, he sits on the chair in the corner of the room in his towel. He needs to be fully dry before putting on his clothes, but this is the perfect time to figure things out. None of his friends are even back in the country yet, otherwise he would get them to come pick him up. There’s a train station a little ways away from the cabins, and it would require a car to get to, but that’s probably his best option. Regulus figures he can call Andy from the train to let her know he’s coming.
Most of his things are unpacked into the drawers, but it won’t take long to pack again. He didn’t have much with him anyway. He’s dry again finally, and clean this time, so he puts fresh clothes on and proceeds with packing everything else up. The only problem will be the wet shirt and swim shorts, but there is probably a bag somewhere that he can put them in to travel. Otherwise he can leave them here. It’s not like he desperately will need them.
“Reggie? Will you open the door, please?” Sirius knocks incessantly.
“No.”
“Please. I just want to talk. I know you’re upset.”
He ignores them. Continuing to pack his bag, placing the last few things in and zipping it shut. He checks around the room making sure that nothing is left behind. His charger is still in the wall, so he grabs in and shoves it into the front pocket of the bag and slings it over his shoulder. Now he opens the door, which Sirius had proceeded to knock on for the three minutes it took.
“Finally! Let’s jus- wait. Why do you have your bag?” His face falls, and maybe Regulus should feel bad, but he doesn’t.
“I’m leaving. Andromeda is home, so I’ll go stay with her for the rest of the summer.”
This trip wasn’t never his, it’s Sirius’. He’s not even supposed to be here. There wasn’t a bed for him, he’s not built into any of the plans. Not that he cares to be, and he knows that Sirius is trying to keep him included anyway. He just wants a relaxing summer and so far this hasn’t proved to be a relaxing place to be. Regulus spends more time dodging and hiding from him and his friends than actually enjoying himself.
So it’s better if he just goes. Sirius can have more fun without looking out for him and he can stay with his cousin. She’ll be happy to see him, even if it’s been a while. They have some catching up to do anyway. This is really the best case scenario for everyone, isn’t it?
“No, stay. Come on, it’s fun, you’re having fun! James is sorry about making you fall in the lake, they really didn’t mean to do that. It won’t happen again, they promise. I promise for them!” Sirius pleads.
He can feel it in his chest, he hates disappointing them. The feeling twists up through his throat, but the words that he pushes out don’t match. “I’m going. You and I both know that it would be better if I’m not here. Have fun with your friends.”
Without waiting for a response he pushes past him and out to the front porch. He doesn’t quite have a plan. But with space between them, and it seems like Sirius isn’t following him for now, he can breathe. He pulls his phone from his pocket and looks up the nearest train station to find the times. Except there isn’t another train to London until tomorrow. Regulus is stuck here. At least until then. At least another twelve or twenty hours.
His phone is shoved away and he hauls his bag back into the cabin and drops it back in the room. He slams the door shut with a huff. Because great. He’s stuck. That means another night of either avoiding all of them or putting up with whatever nonsense they have planned. And another night of sharing the stupid bed with James.
That hasn’t been awful. James has kept to his side of the bed just as he promised to do, but Regulus has hardly been sleeping. He tells himself that it’s just to make sure he keeps that promise. But there’s more to it. Knowing himself he would be the one to accidentally roll into him. Perhaps it’s just the lack of physical touch in his life. His body craves it, but Regulus doesn’t want it, definitely not from James of all people. There is definitely no particular reason he would do that and he isn’t going to think about it further.
He’s expecting Sirius to be back at the door to find him. Surely they were waiting inside and watched him come back in. But they never come. The whole house is quiet, maybe they went back to their friends at the dock. Good, they should do that anyway. They’re always so concerned with how everyone else is doing, if everyone is having fun, all of that shit. Though that never seems to extend to him, at least not as frequently.
It’s fine. Really, it’s perfectly fine. He’s capable of handling himself. He’s more than able to enjoy time by himself. He prefers that actually. There’s just something about the fact that he was dragged on this trip, with a bunch of people he hardly knows, and yet the one person he does barely includes him. Always preoccupied with the others. Just as he’s always been.
Hours go by before he sees anyone else. To no fault of his own, actually. After the initial period of sitting with his back to the door so no one could come in, Regulus gets up and moves to a comfier spot in the main living room. He’s sprawled out on the sofa responding to a few texts from his friends when the sound of footsteps forces his brain to switch back to the present.
“No, I’m telling you! Just go along with it, it’ll be fun!” Sirius’ voice is the first to be heard.
“But Lily said they don’t want to watch that one. And if we want everyone to hang out together we should pick a different movie.” James argues, to his surprise. Those two usually agree on everything.
“She’s just trying to get on my nerves. Lily doesn’t actually hate that movie.”
“Sirius is right, I’ve watched it with her loads of times. Princess Diaries is one of her favourites.” Remus backs them up.
The door swings open, slamming loudly against the wall. “See! I told y- oh, Regulus! You’re still here!”
Shifting on the sofa to be sitting upright, he locks his phone and stares blankly at them. “Train isn’t until tomorrow. Unfortunately.”
“Then you get to help pick the movie for tonight!” They light up. But what they don’t say is we can talk about you leaving tomorrow . He hears it though, too bad he’s going to disappoint them by still wanting to leave.
“I really don’t care Sirius. Watch whatever you want.” It’s not like he’s planning on watching with them.
He goes to the kitchen and grabs a snack before going back to the room on his own. This way he won’t be pestered into having dinner with everyone again. It works for a minute. Maybe a few, but not much more after that. There is banging at the door. Though it might just be knocking and Regulus is just putting it into context, it feels like they are banging. He would much rather they leave him be.
That stops. Whoever is on the other side, most likely Sirius, gives up. By the way the sounds change on the other side of the door, from chatter to distant voices, Regulus assumes a movie was put on. He has learned that many of them are people who talk during movies. Regardless of if they have seen it before or not, which is absolutely ridiculous. If you’re rewatching a movie, sure some talking is fine. But if you haven’t ever seen it, he thinks everyone should sit and enjoy it. Silently.
There isn’t always a need for talking. Quiet is interesting for Regulus, it always has been. Not talking comes easy. As kids, he and SIrius talked a lot, they didn’t know when to shut up. That changed when they started being told off or ridiculed or punished for talking too much, among other things. So Regulus stopped talking, he didn’t want to be punished. Sirius took the opposite approach, he didn’t care any more. If he was going to be in trouble for something no matter what, it was easier to be in trouble for everything.
They drifted when that difference in how they handled it all became apparent. Not enough to not still be there for each other and comfort the other whenever needed. But they had very different perspectives. Sirius is everything and everywhere and whatever anyone else needs. Never what their parents want, but perfect for just about everyone else. Regulus on the other hand just wanted to be okay, he wanted to be himself, and that was it.
Sometimes he’s not sure if either of them got what they wanted, but maybe they have. Things are better now after all. Regulus is himself, he doesn’t have his parents to worry about anymore, he’s okay. He thinks that Sirius is too. They have had rough patches, some worse than others, but they always make it through. They’re Sirius, of course they make it through. They won’t dare disappoint their friends.
From inside the room he can’t quite hear the movie, so he isn’t sure if they went with Princess Diaries or not. If they did, well that’s a shame because he does secretly enjoy that movie. It wouldn’t be fun watching it with this group, but it’s a comfort movie. Regulus ends up slipping his headphones on to listen to music, to fill the silence. It’s just one more night and then he can leave.
His eyes drift to look at the bed that he made sometime this afternoon after James left it a mess. No, he’s just being stupid. He doesn’t want to stay here. Not one more night and certainly not more than that. Sharing this bed with James is the worst part, of course it is. He doesn’t like him and he never has. But there’s something comforting about falling asleep next to someone else. He can’t deny that.
The door swings open and his eyes dart over to it quickly. He pulls his headphones off to hear what Sirius has to say. “You don’t have to stay in here all night, you know. We want to hang out with you. I want to hang out with you.”
“I’m leaving tomorrow, you don’t have to just say that if you don’t mean it.” He sighs.
“I’m not just saying it. You’re my brother, of course I want to spend time with you.” They say it so matter of factly.
Regulus knows that them being brothers is the only reason he wants to see him. They aren’t friends, they’re only siblings. Sirius decided that years ago and there isn’t anything to be done to change it. Everyone else here is Sirius’ friend. He’s just their brother.
“Just- come for a bit. We’re just sitting around since the movie ended. Have a drink, or whatever you want. I don’t want you to hide in here.” He doesn’t seem to be willing to take no for an answer, standing there in the doorway just waiting for Regulus to move.
Which he does. It’s easier than staying out of the way seems to be. Whatever. He’ll be gone by tomorrow afternoon and this will be in the past. Once he’s through the doorway, Sirius trails him the rest of the way down the hallway to the others. Probably worried if they don’t that he will split off and go back to the room. Everyone is just spread out around the room, a few in the kitchen grabbing snacks, and the rest laying across the chairs and sofa.
There isn’t much room for him to find a sport for himself. Something that Sirius didn’t bother to think about. This whole trip was made for eight people, not nine. He would rather not be an extra to everything that happens. Another reason he’s content, happy even, to be leaving. The only thing better would be if he never came in the first place.
But when he stands there searching for somewhere to sit, he’s stopped before he can think about turning around. “Let’s go sit at the fire pit, there’s more room out there.”
He silently nods, ever so slightly, in Lily’s direction. His soft spot for her seems to be ever growing. There’s hardly any time left that he will be in her company, but she’s making the last hours a bit more bearable. No one else seems to be trying to help, so he’s grateful. It’s something and he appreciates it.
Everyone happily goes through the back door and towards the fire pit that is without flames. He doubts anyone is going to light it now, but it’s somewhere to sit. Naturally he hangs back, not really caring to rush out there. Lily catches him, their hand settling in the crook of his elbow.
“I was going to hang back here on the porch.” They say when everyone is a fair distance away. Out of earshot at least.
“Okay?” He questions, pulling slightly to steal his arm back.
“I’m saying…” Lily tugs in the other direction, toward the side of the cabin. “That you can stay back too.”
He thinks about it for a moment and studies her face, wondering how genuine this is. “Alright. But don’t expect me to talk much, I’m just out here for Sirius.”
“Deal.” She smiles and guides him around to an out of the way spot on the porch, sliding down to sit against the house.
More than a few times he has come out here at night, or even in the early mornings, to get some peace and quiet. It’s calming. And if he were staying for longer, he would hate that someone else knows this little hiding spot. Regulus was always good at finding hiding spots. Most were never discovered by anyone. He never had that hope for this one, of course not, but at least he’s leaving so he won’t be coming back to this corner under the trees.
A few branches, quite large ones, hang over the porch. Someone tall wouldn’t be able to stand without being hit in the head. For people who are short, like Regulus - he manages to stand up just fine, but ducking is needed to get to where he’s been sitting. He hadn’t thought anyone else knew where this spot was, but she seems to find it perfectly easily. Lily makes themself comfortable, well as comfortable as possible on the ground leaning up against the cabin without any cushion.
“So, do you want to talk about what’s wrong or do you want to sit in silence?” Lily looks right at him.
But it’s not the way most people look at him. Most of the time it feels like people are looking past him when they look at him. Seeing him but not really seeing him. This week everyone has only seen him as an extension of Sirius, his little brother, an extra piece of this trip that’s extremely out of place. Lily isn’t doing that now and he can feel it.
He can feel her really looking, searching to see what she can find within him. Not many people ever succeed at getting past whatever front he puts up, but something about her presence right now makes him want to give in just a little bit. More than he should. The feeling creeps up from the pit of his stomach, growing more and more comfortable as it reaches his throat. The words wanting to find a way out.
“I don’t know.” There’s too much to say, none of it would even make sense. This is easier.
“That’s okay. I’m not much good at it either.” She’s soft, but not in a breakable way, it’s a comforting way. Familiar. Easy.
“It doesn’t matter anyway.” Regulus dismisses it.
He’s looking out at the trees, but he can feel her eyes turn to him. Next to him, Lily shifts ever so slightly, but he notices. At first he thinks that they’ll fall into silence together, and he doesn't even mind the company. That would be perfectly fine. But then she takes a breath in, and he can tell she’s going to talk again. Say something that will hit him harder than it should. Especially coming from someone that he hardly knows.
“I think you should stay.”
Oh. How did she- He was expecting a lot of things, but not that.
It didn’t seem like Sirius had told anyone that he was planning on leaving. They were the only one to see his bag packed. Even James hadn’t come into the room since he packed, so only Sirius knows. And it’s not like they were eager to tell anyone about Regulus leaving. They want him to stay, he knows they do. In fact he knows that in the morning they are going to come up with as many reasons as they can to keep him here. None of them are going to work.
“I take it I’m right. That you’re planning to leave tomorrow?”
“I- Yes. How did you figure that?” He asks, mostly out of pure curiosity.
He’s looking at her when she lightly shakes her head, the faintest smile settling on her face. “It was obvious to me. Of course you would leave. Call it younger sibling intuition.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. So what, you have an older sister that doesn’t mean you understand me.”
His guard jumps up again, sensing them coming too close. The alarm bells flare in his mind that he’s revealing too much about himself. But he ignores it. Seeing this conversation through. It’s not as if it matters much at all, he’ll be gone before this time tomorrow. He’ll be gone in twelve hours. Lily felt comforting to him a moment ago, he can listen to that feeling instead.
“I get it. They care about you, even if it doesn’t seem like it all of the time. You wouldn’t be here at all if they didn’t.” There’s more she isn’t saying, but he’s not one to pry. “Don’t push Sirius away. This trip means a lot to them. They want everyone to have fun, and that includes you. Try to be happy that they want you here…”
“Because one day that might not be true?” He hesitates before responding, but her sentence feels unfinished. He couldn’t stop those words even if he tried.
Lily nods, her eyes fluttered shut, head leaning back against the wall. Maybe she had a point with the younger sibling feeling, because now he feels it. The tug on his heart from another. The pull to help. He has no clue what’s wrong, and if she wants to tell him she will. But the least he can do is reassure her just like she’s trying to do with him.
Surprising himself, and evidently Lily as well, he rests his hand over hers. She goes tense under him but quickly eases under his touch realising that he was being intentional with it. He’s never been a touchy person, even with his friends. Most of the time he is the one to freeze at it.
“Whatever’s going on with your sister, it’s going to be okay.”
She scoffs, mixed with a bit of a laugh. “I don’t think so. It’s okay, I’m getting over it.”
“If you want to talk about it, you can. I’ll listen.”
“Aren’t you leaving?”
Regulus pauses, because yes he’s going to leave. But he can be here right now. He can be a shoulder, metaphorically, for them to lean on. That would be okay. He wants to do that even. For so long he’s been the one being helped, or he’s helping himself. Many people think he’s selfish for that, perhaps that’s true, but he’s capable of helping people too. Even if it’s only in subtle ways.
“Tomorrow, yes.” He nods, just as she pulls her hand back to herself, curling into her knees that are tucked under her chin. Making herself smaller, he knows that well. “Siblings are hard, especially older ones. They don’t know any better, they make mistakes, they don’t always know how to do everything right. Even if they pretend they do, especially then.”
“Petunia stopped talking to me… Six months ago. Haven’t heard from her since.” Their voice is barely over a whisper. Like they’re scared to say it out loud, but saying it into the darkness isn’t as scary.
It reminds him of when Sirius left. He didn’t talk to him for the first few weeks. Maybe it was months, but it’s so long ago now that he tries not to think about it for too long. Sirius made sure he knew where he was and that he was okay, and also that he needed time away to make sure that nothing would happen. That their parents wouldn’t pull him back and punish him for running away.
The whole thing isn’t worth holding a grudge over, though it stings. He was part of the family and the house that he was leaving behind. Even if they are still siblings through it all, and better now that they are both out, it still happened. Sirius still found a new family and people that matter more to them than he does. The most important person to Regulus is Sirius, but he doesn’t think the reverse is true.
“Do you know why?”
“No. Not really. I’m- I think I’m afraid what she would say if I tried to reach out. It’s really fine, I’m okay without her.”
Looking at her is like looking in a twisted mirror. In another life, at another time, this is him. This could easily be him and Sirius. He wants to offer help, he wishes he knew better. But he doesn’t, and he hardly even knows lily. Let alone her sister. So he just sits here with her. That’s all he can do.
They don’t talk much more. There isn’t anything to say. Though Regulus understands her more, he feels for her. If Sirius ever completely cut him out he would be lost. To a younger sibling, the older is like the north star. A guiding light. Without them, the world is dark and scary. Unknown. The only solution to that is finding another light, but there will never be another that shines as bright to the little one.
The first person you ever knew, the first person you ever loved, the first friend you ever had.
He lets his eyes close, he’s okay with his guard being down here and now for some reason. Lily feels safe in a way most people don’t. Around a lot of Sirius’ friends he keeps his guard up and stays on high alert. Never knowing what to expect, never knowing who is going to try to do something. Not knowing what they all know about him. And he hates being known.
Some time goes by, honestly he has no idea how much. The silence in their little corner is comfortable, there isn’t pressure to talk. They can just be. He hasn’t been very vulnerable recently, though Lily did more of the talking between them. The thoughts are just pounding in his head. Which is all the more reason it’s better for him to leave in the morning. Back at Andromeda’s he won't have to worry about Sirius and how much they’re worrying about him. He’s noticed how they try to run after him whenever anything happens. They don’t have to do that, and they won’t if he’s just not here.
Lily notices the sound of footsteps first. They nudge him with their shoulder to get his attention before anyone is on the porch yet. Somehow knowing that he would want that. Whoever it is hesitates before looking around for them. He can see the outline of a figure, but they can’t see them past the tree that’s blocking, hiding, them.
“Lily?” The person, he thinks it’s Mary, calls out.
“Just a sec.” Lily calls back as she starts to get up.
She reaches a hand down to help him up, which he takes after thinking about it for a second. He trails behind her to the main part of the porch. It’s only Mary so really he could have stayed, but he’s getting tired. The bed is calling for him and this is a good of an excuse as any to head in for the night.
“Oh hi Regulus. You alright?”
“Fine yeah. I’m just going in. If Sirius asks…” He falters.
“I’ll tell him.” Lily confirms.
He looks between the two for just a moment, then glances toward the fire pit. It doesn’t really matter that he doesn’t go down there. He has no place there. Maybe Sirius would like it if he did, but they have their friends. That’s what is important to them. With one last look, he turns to push the door open and goes straight for the bedroom. If he can get ready for bed and fall asleep all before anyone else comes inside, then he’ll count himself lucky. The train isn’t too early, but he can still get up and go right there. Avoiding any unnecessary faff trying to leave.
If there is one thing about Regulus that is true, it’s that he is not quite lucky. When he comes out of the bathroom, James is sitting on their side of the bed playing on their phone. He only rolls his eyes and goes to put his clothes he changed out of into his packed bag. For tonight he had to unpack again slightly, though he just pulled what he needed out of the bag. No use in pulling everything back out.
“I heard you’re leaving tomorrow.” James breaks the silence, sounding disappointed.
“You’ll have the room all to yourself like you were supposed to.”
Regulus climbs into the bed, hoping that will be the end of it. The pillow they have been using as a divider is still between them. It’s barely a barrier, but it’s the best he can do. Sirius would have lectured him if he hadn’t allowed James in the room when he did, so really it’s fine. It’s only been a few nights and there won’t be another after this.
Getting under the covers he hopes that sleep will come easily. He hasn’t been able to sleep much with James next to him. It’s like he’s on edge, he is on edge. Regardless, he tries. Regulus shuts his eyes and begs to sleep to take him so that it can be tomorrow and he can get on the train back to the city. That’s all he wants right now.
Just as he thinks the thoughts are quieting and that he’s on the edge of consciousness, James just has to ruin it. “Regulus?”
“What?” He seethes, though he keeps his eyes closed not wanting to truly entertain this conversation.
“I don’t think you should leave.” His voice is quiet and gentle and he hates that he likes it. “Don’t go.”
“I’m going. You should be glad I am.”
“I want you to stay.”
Oh? Well that’s… Hm. He doesn’t know what to do with the feeling in his chest.
“You know that I don’t like you. Why should that matter to me?”
“I don’t think that’s true. But whatever you say.”
Next to him the bed shifts and James slides under the covers now as well. There’s still the pillow between them, but he’s just right there. He feels on fire, and they aren’t even close to even brushing against each other. Regulus would combust if that happened and he hates it. He hates them . The way he speaks so gently, so sure of himself. It’s infuriating.
“I’m not doing this.” He tries to just sleep, and he fails again. But this time James leaves it be, and he’s naive enough to think that will be it.
For the first stretch of time, which could be either two minutes or thirty, Regulus keeps his eyes shut. Trying to slow his breathing to lull himself into sleep. Quieting his mind as much as possible to drift off. When that’s unsuccessful, he lets his eyes open. There’s a window on the opposite wall, with no trees immediately outside of it. He can see the stars, ever so faintly, but they’re there. In the past week he hadn’t noticed that until now. At least it’s something for him to focus on while using the rest of his dwindling energy trying to ignore the body on the other side of the bed.
It’s working, right? He can pretend it’s working. At least he could until James now decides to roll over, managing to shake the entire bed in the process. Regulus can’t stop himself before he turns his head away from the stars to look at James. Who opens his eyes at just the same time. His mouth spreads into a smile, for only a second. Then it falls and his brow furrows.
“Stop looking at me like that.” Regulus practically growls.
“You’re the one looking at me.”
Well fuck, he’s right. Quickly he turns back away.
“I’m sorry about the lake today, by the way. I meant to say that earlier.” When Regulus doesn’t answer, partially because he’s ignoring them, but also because he isn't sure what to say, James continues talking. Just like they always seem to do. “It was honestly an accident and I feel bad about it, really. If that’s why you decided to leave, would you think about staying?”
He exhales louder than intended, it’s more like a sigh really. “James, look-”
“Reg, please. I- I want you to stay, Sirius wants you to stay. Can you just.. Give it a few more days. Then if you really want to leave, I won’t try to stop you.”
“Okay.” Did he just say okay? He actually was just convinced by James to stay? He’s not sure what he’s thinking or if he even is, but he keeps talking anyway. “I’ll stay for a few more days.” It’s more a whisper than anything.
There is no logic to his decision. Which is surprising, Regulus is someone that always acts based on logic. He thinks everything through before doing anything. He doesn’t do anything unless he is sure of the decision. It took him years to finally leave home, and that was something he was sure would be the right choice. So this is quite the shock.
For some reason though, it feels right. He should stay. Sirius tried to tell him, and he didn’t want to hear it. They love him, they care about him, and he knows they want him here, but that still doesn’t change the fact that he’s not sure he wants to be here. Then James, of all people it’s him, that asks him to stay in the darkness of the bedroom from the other side of the bed. And that gets him to change his mind.
“Really? You will?” His voice is eager, but still soft.
“Yes. Now go to sleep.” Regulus rolls over once again facing away from him as much as he can.
There’s a smile settling in on his face. He doesn’t want that to be seen. It would be misconstrued if James saw it. Surely he would think it’s because of him. And it’s not. Regulus finds him annoying, not endearing. Though just knowing that he’s wanted, well it pulls at his heart. He can’t help it. That’s all anyone ever wants. To be known, to be wanted, to be cared for.
To matter.
───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────
REMUS
Everyone leaves the fire pit one by one. Mary is the first, off to find Lily. When she doesn’t come back, Dorcas and Marlene also decide to head to the cabin. It’s getting quite late when James finds a reason to leave. Of course, he was planning to talk to Regulus. He was very obvious about it, all but actually saying those were his plans upon leaving. Sirius lets it happen, they aren’t sure what to do anymore now that their brother is planning to leave.
It’s ruined their mood quite a bit. They refuse to talk about it, about Regulus. So Remus obliges them and talks about everything but. Over the fire, because Peter remained in his seat across from the two of them even after everyone began leaving, they exchange a look. Not enough for Sirius to catch on, but enough for him to make it known that he should leave.
Aside from at night in their room, Remus and Sirius hardly have any time together. Alone that is. And all he wants right now is to be with them. They could just go back to the cabin, and Remus is sure that if he initiated anything that they would gladly go along with it. They hardly ever don’t want to. That’s why things are easy with them.
Stupidly, Remus is okay with making things more difficult. If that’s what comes with adding more layers to their relationship, he will happily take it. To turn them into a real relationship rather than friends who sleep with each other whenever they feel like it. To kiss without it needing to lead to anything more. He cares about them more than anything, he wants it all.
As soon as they are alone, he reaches a hand over to rest over theirs. The fire is crackling, though dying slowly in front of them. He rubs gentle circles with his thumb on the back of their hand, not daring to look at them just yet. Smoke swirls into the air, blurring everything in its path. Little sparks fly up and pop over the burning logs.
They aren’t very far apart, though sitting in two different chairs. If he were to lean over he would have no trouble kissing them. There’s nothing stopping him from doing just that. Sirius is resting their eyes, visibly soothed by his touch and the atmosphere around them. All he needs to do is lean over, to carefully bring their bodies together. Even if only by their lips.
Without letting himself think any more on it, he takes the risk. Remus leans over the arm of his chair and his lips find theirs with ease. It’s so natural. As if they were only ever meant to do this in the world. This is far from the first time they’ve kissed, but it is a first in a way. To Remus it is. This could be the start of something more, something he has only dreamed of.
The kiss doesn’t deepen, it’s not hungry like it usually is. There is a softness to it that is most often absent. He doesn’t want it to stop, but Sirius pulls back. Their lips are plump and illuminated the tiniest bit by the fire in front of them. He wants to dive back in, they are intoxicating to him. Especially like this, when they're gentle and their guard is down.
Before he can, though he was already going to wait for them to do it, Sirius opens his eyes and looks confused. “Should we go inside?”
“I’m content out here, but we can if you like.” Remus treads carefully, trying to read them.
“You kissed me.” They say instead.
“I did, yes.”
“But you aren’t trying to get me into bed right away.”
“Not particularly. Though I wouldn’t mind.”
Sirius studies his face, though he thinks he is being quite clear. He’s all but spelling it out for him. “You kissed me though.”
“You said that already.”
“Why?”
Remus can feel the anxiety building in his throat. “I wanted to.”
Silence follows. Even the fire crackling has died down and all of the birds that chirp in the trees have gone to sleep. Everything is painfully quiet and all he wants is for Sirius to break it and say something.
He’s known, for as long as he’s accepted that he has real feelings for them, that doing anything about it could ruin everything. But he’s tired of waiting, not knowing if they can ever be more than friends. So badly he wants that to happen. So he made a move. Attaching the strings to their situation. Hoping that Sirius won’t cut them off again.
That doesn’t happen right now, but nothing really does. They don’t say anything, and Remus is at a loss for words. When the last embers of the fire are extinguished they are overtaken by the darkness. No lights are on in either of the cabins, leaving them alone in the dark. And even then, Sirius doesn’t lean over to kiss him back. He doesn’t want to say the wrong thing, but he doesn’t even know what is the right thing at this moment.
So he takes a page out of their book instead. “Want to go in? We can forget I kissed you if that’s what you want.”
That turns out to be the wrong thing. Sirius doesn’t say another word. They trail behind him back to the cabin, get in bed, and roll over. Hardly even looking at Remus again. He feels like crap, he wants to take it back. More than anything though, he wants to know what they are thinking. He wants to get this right because it’s Sirius. And he loves Sirius.