Little Padfoot

Regulus

He didn’t have a problem. He could stop if he wanted to. It was fine.

Regulus watched, mesmerised, by the dripping from his wrist, painting his skin and the floor. He’d given in and used his wand, so it was deeper than usual. And though he’d only done one, it felt like a dozen.

He reasoned the third line was alright, given the circumstances. It meant nothing. He was fine.

After dealing with James, he’d run to another hidden alcove. Worked his way through more secret passages and stuck to the quiet corridors, until he slipped beneath the healer’s portrait. Narcissa had told him about it. A perfectly soundproof and private room that next to no one knew about.

It was a horribly awkward entrance. He had to tap the healer’s doorbell, then crawl through the false wall between the bottom of the frame and the floor. But he didn’t mind. The privacy was well worth it when he needed it, and the corridor was practically unused, so he didn’t have to worry about being seen crawling through it.

The room itself was no bigger than a broom cupboard, but it was always warm and had a large window with the great lake on the other side. It was peaceful.

And now I’ve tainted it

Regulus sighed and rested his head against the window. Closing his eyes and letting the sting of his wrist numb his mind. It was working. All he could hear were the castles cracks and creaks. All he could see were the blacks of his eyelids. The distance between his feelings and his body was growing. His perception of time was warping.

That was how Regulus really knew he was relaxing. His senses got blurry.

Toujours Pur

In blood. In feeling. In everything.

Regulus pressed his thumb into his arm, smiling softly as he felt more colour seep out. Pain was always pure.

That notion had been drilled into his head from birth. Beatings. Curses. Starvation. Isolation. Sometimes he liked to think Walburga and Orion would be proud of these little transgressions. His decision to punish himself and repent for his imperfections.

It was an empty hope, but even empty hopes were worth indulging. He wouldn’t have any if he didn’t, most of his hopes were empty. Had been since he was sorted into Slytherin and Sirius decided he wasn’t worth saving anymore.

Regulus flicked his eyes open and admired his art. His shirt had been decorated too. No matter. He’d spell them clean before leaving. Once he put his robe back on, they’d help cover it too anyway.

He stared out into the lake. Sunlight filtered down from the surface, highlighting the tall green weeds swaying in the current. Animals weaved between them, swimming around and going about their business. He never saw merfolk here, but Grindylows and Plimpys swam by occasionally.

Sometimes he wished he could step through the glass and live out there among them. No rules to follow or expectations to meet. Just live until he died. He sighed.

Not the life I was given.

He was the heir now. He had to carry on the Black legacy. Have a good pureblood wife and have good pureblood children. He’d always known he’d replace Sirius one day; his parents had been looking for an excuse to disinherit him for years. They’d found it last Christmas.

Regulus wondered if they’d disinherit him too if they knew. Not that it mattered. He’d long since farewelled that life. At least Sirius got to have it. At least one of them would get to be happy.

Exhaustion tugged at Regulus, begging him to let it win. He resisted.

He didn’t fancy dreaming right now. He’d consider it if most of his dreams didn’t come in the form of nightmares, but they did. What if scenarios that left him anxious for days. His occlumency failing. Using the wrong term. Losing his books. Forgetting his mask. His life was built on a series of carefully constructed secrets and lies. It was fragile. One mistake could take everything out.

It turned out to be a good thing he he’d chosen to remain awake.

After Regulus had found more solace in watching the underwater view than re-opening his wounds. When the blood had dried, and the ache had disappeared. The sound of his name drew his attention to the entrance.

“Reggie? Are you in here?”

In all his time at Hogwarts, from his first year to fifth, he had never met another soul in this room, outside of his cousin. Never seen someone enter or exit. Never seen someone even give the portrait a second glance. He’d assumed he was its only user after Narcissa left. And that knowledge had allowed him to grow complacent.

Shit.

He barely had a moment to react, he grabbed for his wand and directed the charm at himself.

“Scourgify,” he spat, just as Sirius popped out of the entrance.

“Reggie?!” Sirius squealed, running toward him with open arms. Regulus dropped his wand and tried rolling down his sleeve as quickly as possible, but the distance was too short. Sirius was too fast. He was too slow. His sleeve wasn’t even halfway down when his brother reached him.

Sirius’ face twisted from excitement to horror as his gaze landed on the arm Regulus was trying to cover. Even five-year-old Sirius knew what Lacero wounds looked like.

“Reggie… what happened…”

At least there’s no blood, was the only concrete thought Regulus could manage, as he watched his brother’s wide eyes. What were the appropriate thoughts to have in this situation? Where there any at all? Regulus was sure that if there were, he wasn’t having it.

Regulus opened his mouth to answer, to try and explain, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t tell the truth. He couldn’t tell a five-year-old that he’d done it to himself. That he’d cut a gash in his own arm on purpose. He had to lie. But lying needed thoughts, and Regulus wasn’t having any of those right now.

Sirius’ stare was fixed on the wound. It was red, as was the inflamed skin around it. It had clotted and there was no fresh blood, though Regulus figured if he moved it around that could change. The two thin lines he’d added last night, made it look worse. As did the dozens of other pink and white marks.

“Who… who cursed you…” Sirius whispered.

Me. I did it. I cursed myself. I hurt myself. All of them were me.

Regulus swallowed. The truth was all he could think of. Why was the truth all he could think of? He needed to lie and he needed to lie fast. He needed to come up with something to distract Sirius, so he would completely disregard this moment, forget about the incident entirely, and when he received the antidote, he’d have no memory of the marks.

Because if sixteen-year-old Sirius saw these marks, he’d know exactly who caused them. And Merlin knows what would happen then. Nothing good for him.

And yet. He still couldn’t think of anything to say.

Sirius reached out, his little hand shaking and unsteady as he ran his fingers over the uninjured areas of his arm. Which was more scar than skin. Sirius’ jaw was hanging open and his face was warped with worry. His breaths shallow. He was almost completely silent. The whole room was. It was suffocating.

But Regulus couldn’t find it within himself to fight for air.

Say something. Anything. Distract him.

Regulus tried, but his voice was stuck in his throat. He could feel every semblance of control slipping through his fingers. He was caught. He was done for. They’d spread it around for a laugh, his parents would find out, and he’d spend the rest of his life under the imperius curse. Perhaps let off for a round of crucio when someone needed entertainment.

The peace he’d come to this room for had vanished. His walls had turned to glass.

“Does it… hurt?” Sirius’ voice wavered. He drew his hand back and held it to his chest. Then he looked up. “Are you okay, Reggie?” And shattered the glass.

Why did he have to ask that? Why did it have to be that question? Why did he have to add the name they used as kids? It was a slap in the face, him caring. Regulus couldn’t stand it. Not when his real brother would probably laugh and call him crazy.

He wasn’t okay. It did hurt. Everything hurt.

But still. Regulus didn’t say a word. He didn’t move. It was as if his body was a separate being and he was a passenger. The scene was playing out, but he wasn’t in it. He could watch the concern growing with every second Regulus didn’t respond. But he was powerless to stop it.

He wanted to scream.

The way Sirius was looking at him, was taking him back years. Back to before they broke apart. Back to before Sirius was a rebel and Regulus was a puppet. Because that was little Sirius’ present. In his mind they were still best friends. Brothers.

So, perhaps it shouldn’t have been the shock it was, when Sirius decided to act like he would have a decade ago.

Sirius opened his arms, and hugged him. He wrapped his little arms around Regulus’ shoulders and started rubbing tiny circles into his back.

“It’s okay,” Sirius whispered. “I love you, Reggie.”

That caused the crack that made the dam break.

---

Sirius

Regulus wasn’t happy. Sirius could tell. Grown up Reggie was just like little Reggie. He wasn’t talking. He wasn’t moving. He barely looked alive. Sirius figured it had something to do with his arm, but he didn’t know for sure. All he knew was that his brother was sad, and he was going to help him feel better.

That’s what led him to giving his brother the biggest, bestest hug he could muster. Not that it seemed to be helping much. Regulus was getting worse. He was crying now.

“Shh,” he tried to soothe him, just like he did when Reggie was little. “It’s okay. I’ve got you .”

His words were met with a choked sob and shaking shoulders. Regulus didn’t pull away though, so neither did Sirius.

It was strange hearing a grown-up cry like this. His mother had quietly shed a few tears when Grandma Irma died. His father had let out a couple after Kreature spilled boiling water on him. He’d sort of thought it must stop happening once you grew up. Apparently not.

“You’re alright,” Sirius gently pat his brothers back. “No one will hurt you.”

Regulus sucked in a shaky breath and held Sirius a little tighter. Sirius returned the gesture. He needed to help him feel safe again. Someone had used the Lacero against him. Not for the first time judging by all the scars littered up his arm. It made his blood boil knowing someone at Hogwarts was hurting him.

“I’m here. It’s okay.”

Sirius prepared for another sob. He made sure his hug was firm. He thought of more nice words to say. He even started rubbing his thumb gently across his back. But his efforts were unnecessary. For the first time since being in the Gryffindor dorms, Regulus spoke.

“I miss you…”

It came out as a whisper. So quiet, that if they weren’t as close as they were, he probably would have missed it. His voice was all scratchy and broken, and Sirius was sure his chest had collapsed as the words registered in his head. Regulus… missed him? Why did he miss him?

“You don’t have to miss me. I’m right here.”

Regulus coughed a grim laugh but said nothing. Slipping back into his silence. Sirius didn’t understand what that meant. So, he asked.

“Why did you laugh?”

A beat of silence passed where Regulus didn’t speak, move, or even breath. For that beat, Sirius worried he’d accidentally pushed too hard, but after a few moments, the silence was broken, and he relaxed. Sort of.

Regulus let out a deep, heavy sigh, as he deflated against Sirius. He leaned out of their embrace, unwrapping his arms. Sirius did the same, letting his hands fall into his brothers as their eyes met. Regulus’ were bloodshot, his face uncharacteristically red and puffy. He looked exhausted.

“How did you get in here? Where are the others?”

Sirius frowned.

“That isn’t what I asked.”

 Regulus’ face pinched and his gaze weakened.

“You’ll get it when you take the antidote,” he muttered. “Probably have your own laugh about this whole thing…”

“What whole thing? Why would I laugh?”

Regulus swallowed without saying a word. His face dimmed and his eyes flicked down to their hands. Sirius followed his line of sight, and realised it wasn’t their hands Regulus had looked at.

“The Lacero? Is that why you think I’ll laugh?”

There was another choked laugh, and Sirius felt his fingers get squeezed as Regulus tightened his hold on them. He tilted his head forward as his if trying to hide the way his face had started screwing up. Then sucked in another deep breath. But once again, Regulus didn’t comment further.

So, Sirius pressed on. He wanted answers.

“Who cursed you? Is that what you think I’ll find funny?”

This time, the laugh Regulus let out was almost like the sort you’d hear after telling a joke. If it weren’t for the shaky breath, he took in afterwards, he might have been fooled into thinking it had been.

“It was… a boy in my year,” he muttered, keeping his eyes down and making no effort to answer the second question.

“Why did he do it?”

“He was…” Regulus gripped Sirius’ hands a little harder. “Upset with me...”

Sirius looked back down at his brother’s arm. The wound had reopened a little, and there were beads of blood forming. The other two new were still closed, though not yet blending with all the healed scars.

“Did he do all these?”

“Yeh… he did…”

Sirius glared at all the marks. That was horrible. Mother and father used that curse, but that was because they were parents. Other students couldn’t hurt each other. That was just mean. Why hadn’t Regulus stopped him? Or asked Sirius for help? Or his friends? Or a teacher? This wasn’t right. No one had the right to hurt his brother.

“What’s his name?”

Regulus looked up; his brow crossed.

“What? Why?”

“Because when I’m big again,” It was Sirius’ turn to squeeze his brother’s hands. He hardened his face and he looked Regulus dead in the eyes. “I’m going to remember and make him stop hurting you.”

Regulus didn’t say anything, his hands going limp and his mouth forming a hard line. Sirius ignored the reaction.

“So? Who is he? Tell me his name.”

He was going to commit it to memory, write it down if he had to. He would track the boy down and teach him a lesson. Maybe give him a few Lacero’s to make sure he knew how it felt. He assumed that if a boy in Regulus’ year could cast it, he would be able to at sixteen. And if not, he’d learn. There was no way he was going to let someone get away with hurting his brother.

He stared at Regulus expectantly. Waiting for the name to stumble out of his mouth. But Regulus didn’t say a name. He didn’t say anything. He just stared at Sirius back, like he was stuck between surprise and sorrow.

He must be scared of giving him up and getting in more trouble

Sirius stiffed himself up, straightening his back and putting on his best stern Walburga face.

“I won’t let him hurt you again, Regulus. What’s his name?”

Regulus’ face fractured, but before Sirius could figure out in what way, he looked away. Turning his face to the window and staring out into the empty lake. Then his breathing got heavy, and loud. He snatched his hands back and began rolling his sleeve down over his exposed arm. All while his breathing his faster and more unsteady.

What did I do wrong?

Sirius was about to voice his concern, but Regulus got there first.

“You’ll figure it out after you get the antidote… it’ll be obvious…”

 “Obvious? How will it be-”

Regulus cut him off with another deep breath, pressing his hands into his face.

“Trust me… you’ll know…”

Sirius considered for a moment. If he waited until he was normal, Regulus seemed to think he could figure it out. If he didn’t… well there was no reason he couldn’t keep asking until Regulus gave up the name. And he would until he did. Sirius was not going to let this go.

“Fine. But if you’re lying and I don’t know, you’re going to tell me.”

He half expected Regulus to argue, but he didn’t. He dragged his hands down and dropped them in his lap.

“Alright but… can you promise me one thing? Please?”

Sirius nodded.

“Can you please just…” Regulus began blinking rapidly as his eyes glossed over. He looked back at his lap where his hands were twisting together. “When you get the antidote… I guess you can do whatever you want… but… until then…” He let out another sigh, then looked up, desperation written all over his face.

“Please don’t tell anyone. Not James, not Remus, not Peter... Can this… just stay our secret? I guess… I guess you’ll say whatever you want after…” He looked like he was back to being close to tears. “Please, Sirius… please don’t tell them…”

Sirius didn’t understand why Regulus was asking what he was asking. He also didn’t understand why Regulus wouldn’t just tell him the name now. But Sirius found himself nodding anyway. He hadn’t really had any intentions of sharing his discovery with anyone except the mean boy hurting his brother. He could keep it a secret if that’s what Regulus wanted.

“Okay,” he said simply. “I won’t tell anyone.”

Regulus didn’t smile, but he did look relieved as he muttered a soft thank you. Then his face shifted into a neutral expression, almost like an anti-emotion spell had been cast on it. He glanced toward the door, and as if none of their entire conversation had happened, spoke in his normal voice.

“How did you find me?”

“Oh, my friends helped me. They’re outside. Remus said his hip and joints hurt just looking at the entrance. I said James couldn’t come in because you kept fighting before and he said you cursed him earlier, so I figured you wouldn’t be happy to see him. And Peter said he isn’t good at helping upset people. So, I came in by myself.”

Regulus shook his head and muttered something about the boys being terrible child minders.

“Alright then,” he huffed, gesturing to the rooms entrance. “Ready to get out of here?”

Sirius nodded and jumped to his feet, giving Regulus space to stand. Regulus was less swift, his joints cracking, probably from spending so much time in the same spot, but he didn’t complain. He summoned his robes and slipped them over his head.

“You first,” he said, pointing at the bit of wall Sirius had come in through.

Sirius nodded and dropped to his hands and knees, crawling through what wasn’t really a solid wall. There was a moment of darkness, then it became bright again.

“Sirius!” James, Remus and Peter said all at once.

“Is he alright?”

“Is he coming out?”

“Are you okay?”

Sirius stood up and immediately stood next to Remus, grabbing his hand and grinning.

“Yes, yes and yes.”

And as if to prove his point, Regulus slipped out next. Hopping to his feet as quickly as possible, looking a little uncomfortable with all four of them staring at him. He blushed slightly and crossed his arms.

James immediately launched into questions, trying to make sure Regulus was alright. Regulus cut him off with scowls and sharp I’m fine’s, before he could finish any of them, but that didn’t stop James from asking more.

Sirius found it rather amusing, until he noticed that both their faces were turning red. Then, he gave himself a pat on the back for making sure James didn’t come in. They were already annoyed with each other.

Once the fighting was over, they started making their way out of the dungeons. There weren’t many people around and when they reached the ground floor and Sirius smelt food, his tummy grumbled.

“I’m hungry,” he complained, tugging on Remus’ arm. “Can we have some lunch?”

There was a collective sigh around the group.

“I knew we should have just gone to the kitchens while we were down there,” James mumbled, causing Regulus to snort.

“There is no away you predicted this situation.”

“Of course I did,” James grinned. “I’m a seer. Didn’t you know that?”

Regulus face went red again, and Sirius prepared for more arguments, but Peter chimed in before they could start.

“I mean the great hall is at the end of the corridor. We could just eat in there?”

Sirius had no idea what the great hall was, but if it had lunch, he was happy to go there.

A nervous looked passed over Regulus’ face, the red colour turning to white. But when his gaze landed on Sirius, his face dropped and he just sighed, shrugging his shoulders. It didn’t look like relief, more like he was just giving up. A weird adult feeling probably.

“I don’t care. If Sirius is up for it, then sure.”

“I’m up for it,” Sirius grinned. He wanted food.

He turned out to be less up for it when they got there, and he found out what the great hall was. A massive, loud room with four tables, and a million students sitting at them. Sirius practically hid behind Remus’ hand as they marched up to what must have been the loudest table, trying to ignore all the stares.

They stopped at a gap in the table opposite three girls who stared at Sirius too.

“This spot isn’t taken?” Remus asked.

“All yours,” the redhead replied, and the five of them took their seats.

Sirius was very grateful Regulus sat on his left, because on his right, Remus launched into a conversation with girls. He leaned into Regulus so much he was borderline sitting on top of him, gripping his brothers robes like his life depended on it. Which seemed to amuse the girls.

“Would not have picked Sirius to be a shy kid,” laughed the brunette girl, which most of the others seemed joined in with. Sirius shrunk further into his brother, his face growing really hot. Why were they laughing at him? He was just here for some lunch…

At least Regulus isn’t laughing…

His brother actually wasn’t in engaging in the conversation at all, more focused on putting a few sandwich triangles on the plate in front of Sirius. Which only took a few seconds before he moved onto filling his own plate. Sirius shyly grabbed one of the little sandwich pieces, immediately returning to Regulus’ side as he nibbled on it.

“This is the quietest he’s been,” James commented. “Should ask Regulus how much he’s been driven up the walls. Feel like sharing about the stunt he pulled this morning?”

“Pretty sure that was all your idea.”

“Lies! He’s lying. I’m completely innocent. It was all Sirius.”

Sirius frowned. Why was James blaming him for that? It was his idea. That wasn’t fair. Sirius didn’t defend himself though, opting to just keep munching on his sandwich. The conversation moved on.

He finished his sandwich triangle and reached for another but paused mid grab then the blonde girl looked at him. “Are you having fun at Hogwarts?”

Sirius decided he didn’t need his sandwich and pulled his hand back to himself, leaning back into Regulus.

“Don’t take it personally,” Regulus said politely when she frowned. “His outgoing genes didn’t activate till he was older.”

The girl nodded and went back to the group conversation. Regulus then picked up the sandwich Sirius had been reaching for and handed it to him.

“Thanks,” he muttered, as he took it and had a bite.

“It’s alright,” Regulus smiled, then wrapped an arm around his shoulder. Sirius happily remained in the embrace as he ate.

---

Regulus

He could feel the stares as he ate, and though he was doing his best to ignore them, every fibre of his being was screaming at him to leave. The only thing doing much to calm his nerves was helping Sirius, who seemed equally as uncomfortable with the attention as he did.

I should probably get used to it…

Regulus would be getting them everywhere he went after Sirius received the antidote and realised who was behind all the scars on his arm. He had no doubt that by the weeks end, everyone would be whispering behind his back.

Had the last few hours not happened, he would have refused to sit here and insisted they head back up to the privacy of the dorms. But the last few hours had happened, and rumours about him consorting with Gryffindors was nothing in the grand scheme of things.

He’d be under imperio by Christmas at the latest.

There was a little tug on his robes, and he glanced down to see Sirius eyeing off another one of his sandwiches. Regulus dropped his fork and grabbed it, handing it to Sirius without question and receiving a quiet thank you in return. He let a little smile grace his face for a moment before turning back to his own lunch.

He was about to pick up the fork when he felt a new person staring at him. Someone much closer. He clenched his jaw as his cheeks started burning. He picked up his fork and stabbed at the remaining salad on his plate.

“There’s a hall of people to stare at Potter. Pick one of them.”

“Nah, I like my choice.”

Regulus scowled, stabbing a bit of tomato far more aggressively than was necessary. His face likely as red as it was. He was beyond sick of this… feeling. He turned to face him, narrowing his eyes and glaring at James as hard he could.

“Well, I don’t. Pick again or the fork goes in your hand next.”

On a normal person, Regulus was sure that would have worked. James wasn’t normal.

“Oh well,” he grinned. Fucking grinned. “As long as its not through my eyes, I’ll live.”

“Note taken: Aim for the eyes.”

For some insane reason, that made James’ cheeks go red. Which quite frankly, was making Regulus start to question his mental state, because there was no way blushing was a healthy reaction to the threat of being blinded by cutlery. A health reaction would’ve been looking away, not that James was doing that either. He was still staring.

“Potter, I mean it. Look away or I’ll curse your bedsheets to bite you.”

“What happened to stabbing me in the eyes?”

“The two aren’t mutually exclusive.”

Still. James. Stared. The blacks of his eyes almost swallowing the hazel. The crinkles around them so deep he was starting to think James would age pre-maturely. It was ridiculous. It was stupid. James was so… annoying. Annoying, annoying, annoying.

He was about to make another comment but was stopped by another tug on his robes. Instantly the scowl on his face dissolved and glanced down at his brother, who was intently watching the final sandwich on his plate. Regulus didn’t need to be tugged twice. He dropped his fork again, the uneaten tomato piece falling off, picked up the triangle and passed it to Sirius.

“Thanks,” he whispered, and Regulus once again let himself smile.

“You’re really good at this. With him.”

Regulus resumed his sneer and twisted back to James.

“What were you expecting? Me to curse him every chance I got?”

“What!? No!” James sat up straight, his expression faltering. “No, I just meant it as a compliment. I never thought that. Why would I think that? You thought I thought that? I swear I never thought that.”

The sneer backed off, twisting more into surprise.

“You didn’t?”

“No! Of course not!”

“Oh…”

James looked like a deer in wand light.

“Wait… you actually thought, that I thought, you were gonna try hurt him or something?”

Regulus shrugged and James’ jaw dropped.

“I left you two alone like… a million times. How irresponsible do you think I am?”

Regulus raised an eyebrow. “Would you like twelve inches of parchment on the subject?”

“Twelve inches? I’m not that bad.”

Regulus raised his other eyebrow and James winced.

“Okay fine. I am that bad. But not with Sirius. He’s my-” James stumbled on the word, and Regulus knew why. He was about to say brother.

Regulus looked back down at his plate. He was over this conversation.

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be out of your hair the moment he’s fixed.”

“No, Reg I’m-”

“Don’t.” Regulus spat. “Just don’t.”

He didn’t want fake apologies and he didn’t want pity. This was how things were. Regulus and Sirius used to be brothers. James and Sirius were brothers now. He was over it and he wasn’t about to hand over more ammunition to get thrown back at him once his arms became public knowledge.

But James didn’t know when to quit.

“Sirius cares about you. I swear he does. He just-”

Regulus grabbed his fork. He swung his arm up, then slammed it down, stabbing it right into the wooden seat between them with a loud crack.

James’ face lost a few shades of colour as he jumped back.

“I. said. Don’t.”

Regulus wasn’t oblivious to the silence he’d just summoned, nor the additional stares he was receiving. But he didn’t pay them any attention. He kept his eyes fixed on James as he gripped the fork and wrenched it free from the table, leaving four deep dents where it had hit the wood.

James swallowed and wordlessly turned back to his plate.

Regulus did the same.

“What happened?” Sirius whispered up at him, as Regulus used the fork to stab the piece of tomato he’d wanted to eat before.

“It’s nothing. James is just being annoying.”

“Then why are you blushing?”

Regulus sucked in a deep breath and just put the tomato in his mouth. The image of James’ face stuck in his head.