i am the face of love's rage
14th December, 1979
The hallway is much brighter than Sirius’ bedroom. He can hear the others shuffling about in the living room, trying to keep their whispers hushed and out of his ears.
It doesn’t work.
“I just don’t think that now is the best time to be doing this.” James hisses. Sirius can picture his hand anxiously running through his curly black hair. He’s probably pacing.
Remus replies, “If he says he can do it, then he can do it, James. You’re just going to have to trust him on this one.”
“Obviously, I trust him, Remus, I just meant-”
“I know, I didn’t mean it like that. You’re just worried. I know. But you’ve got to stop with this-”
This continues on as Sirius stands frozen in the hallway. He knows talking to Dumbledore about all of this will be hard but he also knows that it has to be done. If this is the way to honor his brother, then he’ll do it.
Movement to his left draws his attention away from the voices coming from the living room. Lily slips out of the bathroom, drying her damp hands on the hem of her cardigan. Her face lights up when she sees him.
“Good morning, love.” She beams, voice low enough as to not attract the attention of the bickering men in the next room. Her hand comes up to card through his hair, “How are you feeling?”
It's a question that would usually make Sirius bristle and lash out with defensive venom. But, now, under the soft green of Lily Evan’s gaze, he can’t find it in him to sour in the face of her concern. His head unwillingly tilts into her touch, “Like shit. But ready.”
He can’t offer her anything more eloquent, but she nods in understanding nonetheless, “Alright, then. Let’s stop those two from ripping each other's heads off.”
Sirius takes her open hand and lets her lead him into the living room. Lily interrupts in a pointed tone, “Morning, lads. Sorry to interrupt your productive, civil conversation.”
Both men startle, looking as though they’ve been caught doing something they shouldn’t. James recovers first and breaks into one of those weird nervous smiles of his, where he’s trying to harness the sunshine as usual but it's gone a bit sideways. Like a particularly guilty supernova.
Remus doesn’t bother with a fake smile, instead just sitting down heavily on the sofa - clearly all out of steam. He looks exhausted. He looks beautiful.
James claps his hands together, cringing at the jarring sound, “Right, well, I reckon we’ve got time for a cuppa before Dumbledore gets here.”
He makes a little garbling noise, as though stopping himself from saying more and bustles off into the kitchen. Lily squeezes Sirius' hand once, twice, three times before following her husband out of the room. She throws him an exasperated look of you know James.
After a beat of silence, Remus pats the spot on the sofa next to him, face losing its weary fatigue at the sight of Sirius up and out of bed. Without hesitation, Sirius joins him, tucking into his warm side with a soothed sigh.
Remus places a hand in the crook between Sirius’ shoulder and neck, leaning in as though to tell a secret, “He’s been driving me bloody mental. But I know it's out of the goodness of his pure little heart so I can’t even be properly mad at him.”
“What a prick.”
“I know!” Remus exclaims with feeling, eyes wide. His hazel eyes fall onto Sirius’ own, gaze softening. A soft kiss is placed right on Sirius’ cheekbone, “I’ve missed you. I’m so sorry.”
Sirius can’t offer more than a quick quirk of his lips but Remus seems to catch it anyway.
Don’t be sorry. I’ve missed you, too.
-
Dumbledore has enough decency to knock, rather than just Apparating in.
When he does so, James lets out a little shriek, slapping a hand over his mouth just as quickly. Lily lets out an absurd little laugh, hand nervously rubbing at the slight swell of her belly. Letting out a scoff, Remus detaches himself from Sirius’ side and leaves to open the door, muttering something about cowardly pricks as he goes.
Looking at the nervous faces of his friends, Sirius starts to feel a little bit jittery. It hasn’t felt real until this point, but it's suddenly hitting him that he’s finally going to have to confess what he and Reg have been up to all these months. Merlin, he can’t even begin to count how many laws they’ve broken while on this quest, not to mention the fact that they hadn't told a single soul about it until a few weeks ago and the fact that-
Remus reappears in the doorway, hands tugging at the hem of his jumper. Behind him stands Albus Dumbledore.
James leaps out of his seat, showman smile dazzling as ever, “Good afternoon, Albus. How was the journey?”
Thankful to be out of the spotlight, Remus slinks back to Sirius’ side as Dumbledore and James exchange pleasantries. Lily stands, too, slipping an arm around James’ waist.
“Mrs Evans, congratulations!” Dumbledore greets, warmly, gesturing to the pregnant swell of her belly. Both she and James preen and give their thanks, though the conversation remains to be stilted and awkward. Remus sinks further into the sofa.
Fifteen minutes later sees Dumbledore settled into a threadbare armchair, cup of tea steaming in his hands, “Now, is one of you going to explain why I’ve been summoned?”
No one wants to answer. Unfortunately, Sirius understands that he has to be the one to do so. He takes a deep breath, speaking for the first time since throwing a half hearted greeting Dumbledore’s way, “My b-brother and I have been working together for the past two months to track down Voldemort’s Horcruxes - he has those, by the way - in order to destroy them and save all of your lives. We got the last one just over a week ago but the little idiot died in the process so our plans got a bit delayed. Sorry.”
Everyone is a little bit stunned at the frivolity of Sirius’ confession, though Lily recovers first, “What Sirius, um, means is that we need your help, Sir. We’re not really sure where to go from here, essentially. We have a way to destroy the Horcruxes but we’ll need all hands on deck to actually win against the sod and his Death Eaters.”
Dumbledore takes a moment to absorb this, pale eyes sharp and thoughtful, “Well, I must first say that I’m impressed by your courage, Mr Black. What you and your brother have accomplished is no small feat. Though I can’t say I approve of whatever illegal means were taken while doing so.”
Sirius nods past the lump in his throat.
“As for the rest, I shall get in touch with the Order as soon as I can. The Death Eaters are no easy match but, once the Horcruxes are destroyed, a weakened Voldemort will put an end to them. Thank you all for bringing this to my attention, as delayed as you have been.”
The man stands, placing his full mug of tea on the side table, “I must go and get preparations in place. It has been wonderful to see you all again.”
They all echo sounds of gratitude and requirement, haphazardly getting to their feet. Dumbledore takes the time to shake each of their hands, and prepares to make his leave.
Sirius is the last to get this treatment from their former headmaster, shifting uncomfortably as the man comes to stand in front of him. Dumbledore reaches out to place a comforting hand on Sirius’ shoulder, “I’m sorry to hear about your brother, Mr Black.”
“Yes. Thank you.” Sirius grits out, stiffly, trying not to haunch away from the older man's touch.
“His sacrifice is greatly appreciated.”
It’s like the floor falls out from under Sirius’ feet. In his peripheral vision, he sees Remus take a slight step forward.
“What?” Sirius asks, voice barely a whisper.
“He’ll be greatly honoured by-”
“It wasn’t a sacrifice, it was a murder,” He spits, wrenching his shoulder out from Dumnledore’ grip, “He was murdered. Someone murdered him. Someone killed my brother!”
“Yes, of course. My apologies, Mr-”
“He was my brother, and he was just a kid. And he shouldn’t have been fucking murdered!” Sirius is aware of his voice climbing higher and higher but he can’t really care. His fingertips are buzzing and he can hear blood rushing in his ears; it's the most alive he’s felt in days. He feels electric, “Does that change your perspective? Is it harder to fucking swallow because I won’t let you call him a sacrifice? Is it easier for you to let children die for your war if you call it sacrifice?”
The flat is completely silent, as though everyone has turned into cold, hard stone under his wrath.
“Sirius.” James manages, brown eyes wide and watery. His tone isn’t chiding, but Sirius feels explosive all the same.
“What?” He lets out a sharp laugh, turning to face the others, “What, it’s fucking true!”
Dumbledore doesn’t look angry at the accusations being thrown at him. Instead, he looks effortlessly gracious and forgiving. A mask made of pale ivory, “It’s alright, Mr Potter. We’re all feeling this loss heavily; Mr Black may grieve however he-”
Sirius seethes.
“SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!” He snarls, the words coming out loud and guttural, “You never gave a shit about Regulus! You let him rot in that fucking house for years , even though you knew , you fucking knew what- You knew and you didn’t care. Because of the colour of his fucking tie?! You gave up on him, you gave up, and now he’s dead. ”
Dumbledore stares back, unflinching, “I’m sorry you feel that way, Sirius. But Hogwarts cares for all its students, and we are very sorry for this loss.”
Sirius can only shake his head, sharp smile tugging at his lips again. Merlin, he hates that smile. He knows that it makes him look manic and wild, that it makes him look like his mother, “That’s such bollocks. You’ve never cared, ever. You write off half of your students as soon as that hat touches their heads and I’m sick of you fucking lying about it.
“I’ll play your game, Albus, and I’ll kill that slimy fucker right along with the rest of you. But don’t think for a second that I’m doing it for anyone other than my little brother.”
Sirius holds Dumbledore’s gaze for a second longer, making sure that he’s heard every word.
After a long, tense moment, Remus steps forward and places himself slightly between the two men, “Perhaps it's best that you go now, Albus.”
Dumbledore doesn’t speak, instead he nods. His face is stony and pale. He turns and leaves without another word. Somehow, Sirius doesn’t feel like he’s won.
He sits down heavily, resting his head in his hands and gasping in deep, painful breaths.
James’ voice is small and sorry, “Pads…”
Sirius shakes his head in reply. Not now, not right now he pleads voicelessly. James seems to understand, given his silence, and simply sits down next to Sirius. After another beat, Lily sits down on his other side while Remus sits down on the floor in front of him, hand curling around his ankle.
The three of them let Sirius cry and gasp, soothing him with their soft touches and apologetic hums.
Sirius isn’t really sure how long it takes him to calm down, but the evening sun begins to cast an orange glow around the room. He heaves one last gasp, pulling his hands out of his hair and looking around at his people. Remus smiles softly, “Alright?”
Sirius nods, “Yeah. Thank you.”
A sloppy kiss is smacked onto his cheek by James, while Lily gives his hand a gentle squeeze. The grief is still heavy in his chest, but Sirius feels a little bit more okay than he did yesterday.
He goes to tell them this, what their continued love has meant to him but a soft sound coming from the front door interrupts him before he can go to speak.
Tap. Tap tap tap.