long limbs and frozen swims
2nd November, 1979
It’s the early hours of the morning when an idea springs into the forefront of Sirius’ mind.
He’s been laying motionless in his bed for hours, unable to sleep. Regulus had drifted off on the sofa earlier in the evening, leaving Sirius alone with his thoughts.
The prolonged exposure to the Horcruxes has been slowly getting to them. It's not extreme, yet, but Sirius can tell that it will eventually become much harder to manage. Regulus has been becoming easily fatigued, as is evidenced by the easy descent into sleep, though he’s trying desperately hard to hide it. Sirius is slightly jealous, considering the fact that the Horcruxes seem to be focused on keeping his own eyes firmly open. Not even turning into Padfoot grants him any rest anymore.
It’s these long, isolated, sleepless nights that allow Sirius to really…think. His mind has been insatiably active, bouncing between endless topics that can range from anywhere between the specific shade of green that is dappled within the hazel of Remus’ eye to useless facts about the rotation of the sun to when he got so bored in History of Magic that he created a whole new alphabet with Marlene. It’s only when he’s pondering the time James fell asleep in a Defence Against the Dark Arts class that a thought crosses his mind.
He bolts upright in bed, heart suddenly pounding with anticipation and something that feels a little bit like excitement.
“Oh…my God.” Sirius whispers to himself, a smile slowly spreading across his face.
He almost trips in his haste to find Regulus, foot slipping on the rug at the foot of his bed. Despite nearly braining himself on his bedside table, Sirius makes it into the living room in one piece.
“Reg. Reg. Reggie!” He whispers, shaking his little brother with what is probably too much enthusiasm for this early in the morning, “Reg! Wake up. Wake up, Reg!”
Regulus jerks awake, hand coming up to push Sirius away, “...What the hell are you doing? Get off.”
Sirius does nothing of the sort, continuing to tug incessantly on his brother's arm, “Fiendfyre, Regulus.”
“...What?”
“We can destroy the Horcruxes with Fiendfyre, Regulus!” Sirius exclaims, feeling almost giddy, “It’s the only thing powerful enough to destroy Dark Magic like that! That we have access to, anyway.”
“That's because it's Dark Magic itself, Sirius.” Regulus frowns up at him. He manages to look patronising even moments after waking up, “That’s an insane idea.”
“No, it would be insane if we stupid and powerless but we’re not! ” He finally lets go of his brother to pace around the living room, arms gesturing wildly, “We can do this, Reg. You have the precision, I have the power, yeah? Together, we can train and learn how to control it and then we can finally get to work on killing this bastard! We can do this.”
Regulus is silent for a long moment, hands steepled in front of his face. His brow furrows as he considers all his options, expression not unlike when he's about to completely thrash Sirius in chess. Sirius doesn’t move as he watches the cogs turn in his brother's head - instead he holds his breath and waits.
When Regulus lets out a long sigh, he knows he’s won.
He holds back the urge to cheer and instead settles for bounding up to his brother and shaking both his shoulders in excitement, “Yes, Reggie! Yes! We’re doing this?”
“Yes, I suppose we are.” Regulus agrees, albeit reluctantly. He leans pointedly away from the overzealous celebrations of his brother, “But, we-”
“Fuck yeah, Reg!”
“But, we have to be really fucking careful, okay? No Gryffindor heroics.” His pale gaze is stern, “If it's not working, we try something else. We’re dealing with some really powerful magic, here.”
“Good thing we were gifted with some really powerful blood then, hm?” Sirius spreads his hands, grinning roguishly, “If there’s one thing our rotten family gave us, it’s that.”
Regulus acknowledges the truth in Sirius’ words with a roll of his eyes, “...If we’re really doing this, we’re going to need to go somewhere else. Somewhere with space, away from anywhere else.”
-
They choose an old Black manor in Warwickshire - one where the brother’s had used to visit occasionally in the spring holidays as children. The memories are distant enough that they are sure that no one else has touched the property in at least a decade.
Regulus wastes no time before surging forward into the house, muttering something about bedrooms and fireplaces. Sirius hangs back to simply observe.
In the grey of winter, the manor is different. The property is overrun with dead foliage, parts of the roof are caving in and the pond is void of the life it once held. He can’t help but stare at the remnants of their childhood, can’t help but listen for the sounds of small footsteps and youthful laughter.
With a deep breath, he follows his brother into the skeleton of a house.
-
“First, you need to practise the movements without the fire. We can’t risk a single mistake.” Regulus explains, nose poking over a comically large pile of books on Dark Magic, “All your focus needs to be on control, control, control. No room for error.”
Sirius absently nods along to his brother’s rambling. Their current plan is that Regulus will try to teach Sirius precision and Sirius will try not to kill the both of them. After deducing that Regulus has the technique and Sirius had the power, they decided to resort to teamwork. Sickening.
Part of him enjoys that they’ll be working together towards something but the rest of him is screaming that it's a terrible idea. See, if they do this, then Sirius is responsible for the safety of not only his baby brother but also the safety of the entire county. He has no doubt that he’s powerful enough to wield Fiendfyre but he is also wary of himself. There’s no denying that his magic has been… unpredictable in the past. Sirius is a volatile, reckless person, he knows that - is aware of that with every breath that he takes. If he lets his rotten, hazardous emotions get the best of him, he’ll destroy everything they’ve worked for.
“Okay, I feel like you're not listening anymore.” Regulus huffs, gracelessly placing his ridiculous stack of books onto the dining table between them.
“I am listening!”
“What was I just talking about, then?”
Shit. “Uh, F-Fiendfyre. Wands. Control!”
Regulus is silent for a moment, “ Sirius! This is so, so important, how are you not focused on-”
“I am focused! I know it's important, Regulus, I’m not actually an idiot!” Sirius snaps, raking his hands through his hair.
Regulus takes a deep breath, visibly forcing the tension out of his shoulders, “I'm sorry, I know you're not an idiot. It’s just that- we can't afford a single mistake.”
“And we won't make any mistakes, Reg.” Sirius soothes, though he's not entirely convinced, “Riddle still doesn't know about you, no one's looking for us - we have all the time in the world to get this right.”
His words are objectively false - they are most certainly on a time limit - but Regulus looks calmer all the same. He nods once and faces his brother again, eyes steely and determined.
“Alright, so here's what I found…”
-
3rd November, 1967
“Sirius. Psst. Sirius, wake up!” The whispered words rouse Sirius from his slumber, a tiny hand gently patting the curve of his cheek.
Sirius slowly blinks his eyes, frowning, “What are you doing, Reg? Go back to sleep.”
His attempts to roll away from his brother are stopped by that same tiny hand grasping onto his shoulder, “Sirius! You have to wake up!”
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“It’s your birthday.” Regulus explains, patronising even at six years old.
Sirius groans, rubbing his eyes, “I know it’s my birthday, Reg, but I also know that the sun isn’t up yet. It’s too early.”
Regulus determinedly ignores him, climbing up onto the bed and burrowing into his older brother’s side. Sirius nervously eyes the cracked open door, afraid that the scuffling will summon their mother or father. Not for the first time, he thanks some unknown entity for the fact that the brothers’ bedrooms are as far away from their parents’ quarters as possible. Even so, Walburga Black can find fault and irritation in every action her sons take, even something as small as an early start to a birthday morning. He heaves a nervous breath, “Reg, please be quiet.”
The younger Black heir huffs, though his scuffling does halt, “I just wanted to be the first person to say ‘Happy Birthday’! Before everyone gets here for your special dinner.”
Sirius sighs, chest reluctantly warming at Regulus’ enthusiasm, “That’s very nice, thank you. But maybe not so early, next time.”
“Okay. Next time, I’ll wait longer. At least until I can see the sun.” Regulus laments, eyeing the window as though said sun is going to make an appearance as soon as the words leave his mouth.
Satisfied with this conclusion, Sirius lets his eyes slide closed again - soothed by the warmth of his baby brother and the certainty that there’s a person who loves him enough to wake up before dawn to wish him a happy birthday. Said person is quick to wake him again, “Sirius, stop sleeping! You need to blow out the candle!”
“Candle?” The mention of fire causes his eyes to fly open in fear. He relaxes when he sees no sign of a flame. Instead, Regulus is holding his wand out, a weak Lumos glowing on the end.
Regulus smiles shyly, extending his wand, “Go on, blow it out. Like the Muggles do.”
Sirius feels a grin take over his face. He’d taught Regulus about Muggle birthdays last year, fascinated by the front cover of a book in the front display of their local library. Of course, they had not gone inside but Sirius remembers that cover as if it were right in front of him. It was a watercolour painting of a family huddled around a table - pouring all their love and attention into the little blond girl at the head. Each person had a strange pointy hat on their head of all sorts of bright colours. A pink cake decorated with six tiny colourful candles sits in front of the girl. The warmth and joy within the image stuck in Sirius’ head for months, plaguing him with feelings of a bittersweet kind of grief and queries about what real, normal families were like. He shared his new knowledge with Regulus as soon as they could catch a moment alone.
Sirius leans forward, blowing a puff of air over the wand, pretending not to notice Regulus quickly extinguish the spell himself. He chooses to let the illusion of a real birthday candle remain to be the truth for just a few moments more.
“Happy Birthday, Sirius”, Regulus whispers, flashing that small, reserved smile of his, “I couldn’t really get you a gift but I’m sure you’ll get plenty from everyone at your special dinner, later!”
“That’s okay, Reg!” Sirius smiles right back, pleased that his brother even considered getting him a gift, “Getting to spend my morning with you is just as good as any gift.”
-
3rd November, 1979
Sirius hadn’t really considered the fact that it’s his birthday until the letter came.
Regulus had wished him a happy birthday over breakfast and had been slightly less militant during their training sessions but, apart from that, it had been incredibly lackluster. Not that Sirius minds, of course. He has about 50 more important things to focus on than his birthday but the letter causes a kind of cold feeling of longing to take over his being.
It arrives at sundown, just as the brothers are deciding to stop for the day. They’re sat outside in silence, watching the sun slowly sink beneath the rolling hills. Though the air is biting and cold, Sirius feels a kind of phantom warmth in the soft glow of the sun, with his brother by his side.
When he’d first run away, being without Regulus felt like being without one of his limbs. It was strange, the great loss he felt, because it wasn’t as though they had been particularly close in the few years before anyway. Remus had suggested that the finality of it all was what was upsetting him so much. Before running away, there was still the certainty that they’d see eachother during holidays and could still make attempts at smalltalk in the school halls. But then Sirius had left and so had his chance of ever getting his little brother back.
The distantly familiar shriek of an owl pulled Sirius from his thoughts. A dark shape was spiralling down from the sky, illuminated by the orange hues of the setting sun. The air is sucked from his lungs as the markings of the owl grow clearer.
“No way…” He breathes, an incredulous smile stretching across his cheeks, “It’s Juno!”
“Who?” Regulus barks, eyeing the creature suspiciously. His hand is hovering over his wand holster.
“It’s James’ owl!” Sirius exclaims, calling her closer. It's not that he and James haven’t been speaking, it’s just that James has been busy. He and Lily got married in the summer and then were on their honeymoon and then Fleamont got sick so the couple have been staying with the Potters in India for weeks. The last time Sirius had seen his best friend was right before they left.
Juno swoops down to land on the rickety table in between the brothers, a letter clutched between her claws, “What have you got there, girl?”
Sirius grasps the letter in his hands, smiling at the sight of James’ familiar swirling handwriting. He hastily unfolds the paper.
-
Dearest Padfoot,
Happy Birthday, mate!!!!!!
I know it’s been a while since we last spoke but I just wanted to tell you how much I miss and love you AND to also remind you that you’re an old man now.
We had dinner with my parents last night and I’m pleased to inform you that Baba is back to full health. Of course, they send their love and birthday wishes, etc. Mama says that she has something for you and it should be arriving in the next week. She won’t tell me what it is so you have to let me know as soon as you get it!!!! My curiosity has been killing me.
Lils and I also got you something but I want to give it to you in person so I can see that weird face you pull when someones done something nice for you. I’m not sure when we’ll be home but I promise it will be soon!! Also, we may have some very exciting news that we want to share with everyone…
Anyway! Give Remus my love, although I’m sure he’s currently reading over your shoulder. Hi Moony! I love you, miss you, etc etc Happy Birthday etc etc
All of my endless love,
Prongs
P.S. Lily is here and she says to say hi and also to remind Remus that he’s meant to be taking a break from coffee until she’s back. She’ll know if he’s had any, apparently.
-
Sirius reads over the letter, a strange bittersweet feeling taking root in his chest. His throat tightens at the mentions of Remus, hands going slightly clammy. Juno flees into the sky.
“You miss them.” Regulus states, voice barely a whisper. He’s eying Sirius with a kind of understanding that he wouldn’t have had only a few years ago. There’s no jealousy in his gaze, though he can’t quite hide the glint of wariness that’s settled in his eyes.
“Yeah.” Sirius breathes, “But it’s safer this way.”
Regulus stares down at his hands for a long moment, “You love them all a lot.”
“Yeah.”
“You had them when you had no one else.”
Sirius can’t help but turn to his brother, then. In this hasty truce that they've found, there’s been no real acknowledgement of the people that Sirius left his brother for. It's too raw a topic, the mutual abandonment that took place over their shared years at Hogwarts. The mutual heartbreak that the brothers inflicted on eachother.
“Yeah, I did.” He’s reluctant to admit. The friends Sirius made at Hogwarts became his family, his refuge - something he’s infinitely grateful for. But the last thing he wants to do is throw it in his brother’s face, or to act like their relationship wasn’t enough. Regulus was Sirius’ lifeline throughout his childhood, his reason to keep going. It's neither of their fault that he was made to find a new lifeline, after it all.
“I’m glad.” Regulus whispers down to his hands, almost ashamed at the admission.
“What about your lot?” Sirius is scared to ask, “When did you last hear from them?”
Regulus lets out a shaky laugh, “Well, Barty’s obsessed with the cause. He’s completely gone. And where Barty goes, Evan goes. I suppose it's his fatal flaw.”
“Pandora?”
“She stopped speaking to any of us as soon as we joined.” Regulus shakes his head with a bitter smile, “I think she’d be safe to tell but… she wants to start a family, you know? She’s got people who can’t lose her.”
Sirius nods in deep understanding, “And we don’t.”
“No. We don’t.”
The brothers sit in silence for a long moment. Sirius supposes that this is the reason why it has to be them who carries out this mission. He doesn’t doubt the love that his friends have for him, however misplaced he considers it to be, but he also knows that they all have a fair share of people more precious to them than he.
Sirius and Regulus Black may be the only two people in the world expendable enough to be able to complete this death-wish of a mission.
He silently thanks their rotten genes for their isolation, sharing a bitter smile with his brother.
The sun continues to set before them.