Double Dog Dares
To many, Gilderoy Lockhart's name carried gravitas and commanded respect; he was a well-established man in the field of defence against the dark arts and his best-selling books were a testament to that. He had gained even more popularity when he'd announced his decision to teach at Hogwarts, just like he'd planned, and expected his fame to translate over to the students as admiration. Spoiler alert: it didn't.
[...]
It was the first Defence Against The Dark Arts class of the academic year and the second-year students slowly filtered in through the door. Jess, Katia and Alisa were some of the first to arrive as they were somewhat curious as to what their new teacher would be like, this curiosity was immediately doused by the ludicrous amounts of full-length self-portraits hung up on the stone walls. The moving portraits winked at them, they were met with scandalised expressions from the young girls.
"This... is strange," Alisa commented as took a seat in the middle row, not to look too eager (like Hermione Granger who had gotten there first and was sat right at the front) or too blasé (like Draco Malfoy who was lounging at the back with his cronies).
"I agree... does he have dementia or something? Is that why he needs to remind himself what his face looks like?" Jess joked and took a seat next to Alisa.
Katia simply frowned, not voicing her complaints.
The rest of the joint Gryffindor-Slytherin class arrived and in no time, all the students had chosen seats and were waiting in either tense anticipation or dread. Last year, their teacher hadn't been the best, possessed by the Dark Lord, so they all hoped for a decent teacher this year. Their hopes would soon be crushed underneath the red Louboutin soles of Gilderoy's fashionable shoes.
The man strutted into the room, a blinding smile on his face which made half of the girls and some boys in class swoon and sigh, his blue-coloured cloak flew out gracefully behind him and when he turned, his blonde hair fell into his eyes in a very handsome way. Alisa wasn't sure whether this was a classroom or a catwalk anymore.
In a low tone, Professor Lockhart began his opening speech, "Let me introduce your new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher... me," he winked before exclaiming, "GILLDERRROY LOCKHART, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and 5-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award. But I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!" He giggled to himself.
Alisa looked to her friends whilst adorning an expression of disgust and cringe, her friends had similar looks on their faces. Alisa caught sight of Hermione Granger leaning her cheek against her palm and staring at Professor Lockhart adoringly, Alisa rolled her eyes but felt a deep-seated annoyance at Hermione's reaction- well, anything Hermione did seem to annoy her so that wasn't a new thing.
"So, my studious zygotes! I do hope you have thoroughly read my books because I have created a pop quiz!" He seemed so happy with himself, not even flinching when multiple people in the class groaned at the news.
Alisa internally cursed, she had read through them once but she hadn't studied her books at all. She looked at Hermione who had already received the paper and was rapidly answering questions, of course, Hermione had done all the reading, Hermione knew all the answers, and of course, Hermione was going to beat her out of the top of the class by a couple marks margin again- Ugh! Alisa bit the inside of her cheek bitterly.
Alisa took the paper when it arrived at their desk and skimmed through all the questions, her brows furrowed, "It's all bullshit?"
Jess noticed the same thing and a devilish grin spread onto her face, "I have an idea," she whispered to the two girls. Katia and Alisa eyed her, "What if we just put the most stupidest answers ever? It's only the first pop quiz, we could make it up."
Katia contained her giggles at this strange predicament and nodded in agreement.
Alisa nodded shortly after, "Just don't write your names on the test."
"Your time starts now!"
The entire hour allocated to them was spent trying to contain their giggles as they answered all one hundred questions with the most insane things they could think of. Alisa had to cover her mouth several times as her chuckles kept creeping out and even the normally stoic Katia was turning pink at trying to not burst out laughing. When their tests were collected, the three girls side-eyed each other and instantly started to crack up- Alisa lowered her face onto the desk, her back shaking as she tried to stop laughing, Katia placed her face in her hands whilst small giggles came from her and Jess almost choked and started to cough which further set off the other girls.
"Settle down, class, settle down, class! You may read my books whilst I mark these tests for the rest of the period." The girls instantly stopped laughing.
Wait, what? They were under the impression that Professor Lockhart would be marking them later today, not when they could be called out for their delinquency. Well, shit. The girl studied the professor's expressions as he went through the quizzes, they ranged from tutting, to nodding, to a small smile, then tutting again- he seemed to be thoroughly enjoying himself... until he wasn't. His brows furrowed when turning to the next paper on the pile, Alisa groaned and buried her face in her hands, he started to turn red and his brows furrowed, Jess winced, he started to shake, and Katia grinned.
"WHO IN MERLIN'S NAME WR- ahem, who wrote these?" He held up three papers, their three papers -Jess had drawn a penis on her test- he slammed them onto the desk. "'Suggest in twenty words or less some top grooming tips for Gilderoy Lockhart'- Stop grooming children, stop grooming kids, stop molesting children- WHO WROTE THESE?"
Alisa was trying very hard to look clueless. Jess was looking around searching for the culprit. Katia shrugged.
"No answer, oh well, does this ring a bell? 'What is the personal name Gilderoy Lockhart has given his broomstick?' Penis, Fav Dildo and Child- You think you're terribly funny, don't you, you little punks?" Their professor was turning an awful shade of red now.
Katia pointed to Ron Weasley, "It waz' 'im, Professor."
"DETENTION! You too, Potter, and you, whatever your name is," He furiously pointed at Ron, Harry and Hermione (who was too stunned to say anything) as the three were sat in a row together. They all turned to throw a stink-eye at Katia, and she shrugged, Draco was cackling in the back of the class with his goons.
"Now. On with the lesson."