I Know It's Over
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I Know It's Over
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The clock's pendulum swung back and forth in hypnotising movements, as he lay there, listening to the ticks.
The dial read IV , and Sirius had woken up before the birds. He was too tired to do anything other than fret, but too awake to go back to sleep. He was hungry, but it was too early to get breakfast. So he lay in his room, not eating, not reading, hardly moving. He dared not close his eyes.
The ceilings were too high and his bed far too big for him, making him feel small. The room was dark, the early morning sunlight hid away by heavy velvet curtains. He began anxiously tracing the carved wood of the headboard, following the swirling motifs over and over again, hoping to eventually fall back asleep. He still had a few hours before he needed to leave, and his trunk had already been packed two weeks beforehand. The truth is, as anxious as he was for the first day, he was excited beyond compare to leave. Grimmauld Place could hardly be considered a home, and the second he was old enough to know about Hogwarts, all he ever dreamed of was escaping to the highlands of Scotland. He’d read Hogwarts: A history about twenty times, a book he’d probably find boring under normal circumstances, but now, any place besides this house was the most interesting thing in the world.
He wondered if Regulus was awake too. He guessed he was just as troubled about Sirius’s departure as he was himself. Sirius knew his brother would miss him, but he mostly worried about how he would survive all year alone, with no one else to talk to but Kreacher.
Their mother did not allow them to go out and make friends with other children, and anyway no other family from the sacred twenty eight lived near central London, and muggle kids were obviously out of the question. The only time they got to have a glimpse of interaction with other kids were at the occasional black family banquets, a gathering that often consisted of other pure blood families like Rosier or Lestrange. Sometimes Crouch, when Walburga was in a good enough mood. Him and his brother tried talking to some of the other kids that were invited, but most of them were as deranged as the rest of their families. “ The centuries of inbreeding got to their head”, was what his cousin Andromeda whispered to him when he asked about it. After that evening, he developed the nagging fear of becoming as crazy as them.
These fancy gatherings didn't happen often, but when they did, they went by quickly. In the midst of clattering glasses and whispered chattering, the hours morphed together into one long fever dream. It was dizzying, to see the house so filled when Sirius got used to it being cold and empty. Oh but it was still cold, colder than ever. The malicious glares and shared secrets being passed around the hallways gave him and his brother a chill each time they passed by a different group of guests. Sirius knew he was young, and too foolish to understand what kind of disputes each family had with one another, some dating centuries back. Like their ancestors got in a fight one day and they decided to carry it for generations. He never knew why. But even if he was only twelve, he knew some things. He knew not to look certain people in the eye, he knew how to measure every word coming out of his mouth, he knew how to put on a smile and welcome each guest with superficial warmth, he knew he had to keep his back straight and his chin up, he also knew to make himself go unseen, and eavesdrop on all kinds of interesting conversations.
It was what him and Reg liked best. They loved playing this sort of game, often directed by Andromeda. She’d tell them all they had to know about that one group in the corner, what they want, what they fear, how to distract them, what information we want to find out. And so he and his brother would crawl under napped tables, sit and listen to secrets being spilled. Or Sirius would distract one of the women drinking wine by the fireplace and drag her away, Regulus waiting behind the curtains to hear the rest talking about how much they despised the woman the second she steps away. It was thrilling, reporting back to Andy, and all of them giggling as they shared all kinds of classified information.
Still, even if they managed to have a bit of fun, they always had to watch out for their parents, or other adults more attentive than others, catching on to what they were up to. Sometimes, when they were caught and Sirius was sent to his room for the rest of the night, he’d look out the window. The townhouses across the streets had their curtains wide open, showing the happy families having dinner together, laughing and smiling. Others dancing by the candlelight, listening to a weird spinning disc. Sirius was young, and he didn't know much, but he knew his family was different.
He knew they had a legacy to defend, a role to play. Toujours pur . That's what was waiting for him at the end of the night. The wicked reminder of his fate. He does not get to laugh and smile and dance like the others. The expectations of him were made clear the second he was born into this family, and the weight of them hit most of all on these nights, where he could only stare longingly at his neighbours, so free, so unaware of the cruel world that contained 12 Grimmauld Place.
The banquets often ended with Sirius crying silently in his room, and Regulus probably doing the same in his. In times like these, they had no one. Times where plenty of people were only a few steps away, Ironically.
At Least Andy was there, and she wasn't so bad, only much older than him. She was brilliant though, and Sirius had always looked up to her. But he never got to talk to her for very long, because halfway through the banquet her mother would drag her away, scolding her for putting shame on the family name every time she dared to defend mudbloods or when she hexed the wine to taste like mud every time they said the word. Even for that, she never left without a smile on her face and a small wink in his direction.
She’s the one that introduced him to muggle literature. Sirius had been reading the books she left him all summer. He was sceptical at first, especially since he didn't like reading all that much in the first place, it had always felt like a chore. And also because the books had been written by mudbloods, and he just couldn't imagine any aspect of their life to be interesting enough to write about at that time. But once he picked up his first Oscar Wilde book he couldn't put it down. He quickly learned he liked romanticism best, he found it enticing and easy to get lost in, forget all about the world around him. For once, he was glad for all those forced french lessons, they paid off when it came to reading Victor Hugo, no one was quite as “romantique” as the french. In the end, muggles were in fact fascinating. They had a vivid imagination and spent way too much of their time thinking, which Sirius related to in a way. He kept his books hidden under his bed, because Merlin forbid his mother found out about them.
He lent a few to Regulus, too. He wanted to get him to like the same one’s he did, but when he tried describing to him what they were about, his brother made fun of him for being “too girlish”. He ended up taking a pile of mostly dystopian books and a few from Dostoyevsky (although Sirius could see Jane Austin peaking in between 1984 and Crime and Punishment ) He promised to himself he’d gift Reg some more muggle books for christmas, to make up for leaving him all alone. He wondered if he could find some in Hogsmeade, or near the train station.
The sound of the stairs creaking snapped him out of his daze, probably Kreacher on his way to calling him and Regulus for breakfast. Sirius must have been lying there, staring at the ceiling, for at least a few hours. The clock now read VII. He could recite what Kreacher was about to say before he even entered the room. Mornings it was “Miss Walburga is summoning you for breakfast”, mid-day it was “ Master Orion has asked that you and your brother head down for lunch”, and in the evenings it was “Master has asked me to fetch you for dinner”. That wasn't mentioning tea time or the small sombre voice the house-elf took when he had to announce that one of them was being sent to the cupboard in the basement when they got in trouble. His parents never bothered to go up and tell them themselves, they never bothered with anything concerning their children actually. As long as they attended their lessons and were well behaved, there was no point in talking to them. Soon enough, the elf peaked his head through the bedroom door and called: “Master Walburga is summoning you for breakfast”, Sirius mimicking saying the words at the same time, making exaggerated head movements as he did. Mocking the elf was no fun though, he never reacted in any way and simply left once he said what he had to say. Kreacher had always preferred Regulus anyway.
Sirius finally got up after throwing on his school robes, freshly ironed, and made his way down. The wall on the stairs was decorated with a row of shrunken house-elf heads, mounted on shiny silver plaques. He wondered how Kreacher was so unbothered by the beheaded former servants of the House of Black being displayed so cruelly, as a reminder that the second he was too old to hold a tea-tray, he would join the rest of them.
He went through the three flights of stairs before finally arriving at the ground floor. He headed to the drawing room, the only room in the house that he didn't absolutely hate. Unlike the other gloomy ones, decorated of black wallpaper and serpent doorknobs, the salon had large windows overlooking the street below, illuminating the carpet. He loved watching people heading to work, the muggle buses passing by, and hearing the sounds of the buzzing street. The fireplace replaced the usual cold feeling of the house with warmth. It was also the room that contained the Black family tree, extending all over the wall opposite from the windows.
Sirius often found himself staring at the tapestry. The deep green colour beneath the golden tree had faded with time, making it look like it merged with the wall. The branches, somehow, were still bright and shining, spreading themselves across the drawing room. On each one hung a portrait of his bloodline, some older than Shakespeare probably, (another one of those muggle authors, rather dramatic he was.), with silly hats and ridiculous collars, ornate with gems and intricate designs. Others, the more recent ones, wore normal robes. They all had a grave expression on their face, and apparently didn't look too happy to be stuck on a wall. The ones he recognised, his mum and dad, uncle Alphard, all looked uglier than they really did. Especially Walburga, her eyebrows were way too thick and the lines around her mouth made her look ten years older than she was. He would never say it out loud however. He was still sensible enough to know he was too young to die, thank you very much. On a naked branch, his name was embroidered into the wall, and a little further, Regulus too. They didn't have portraits yet, they were too young to be depicted, his mother had said. So there was an empty space above his name, ready to be filled. He often tried to imagine what he would look like once he was old enough to be on the wall. Would he be as ugly and sombre as the other’s? Would he be some stuck up serious man with overly good posture, like his mother wants him to be? The thought of it made him want to burn the wall to the ground. So, instead he made a game out of imagining all the things he could be. A young handsome quidditch star, or maybe a ruthless auror, with cool scars and an eyepatch. It was nice to imagine the future he wanted, one where he could be whatever he desired to be. Making these stories up in his head was the closest thing to freedom he’ll ever get. Some of the portraits had a dark mark over them, hiding their faces, but he preferred not to think about them.
Once in the dining room, he sat down at the table, placing a serviette over his knees and straightening his back. He didn't lift his gaze to meet the one of his mother, staring at him intently, while his father had his lost in The Daily Prophet. None of them spoke a word, not even when Regulus arrived a few moments later and sat down next to him, mimicking Sirius's posture. The table was silent as Kreacher poured coffee into the fine china, ornate with the black family crest all over the porcelain. Everything seemed like a typical morning. Sirius began eating his poached eggs, picking up the fork closest to the plate. The clattering sound of the cutlery began to be somewhat comforting, until his mother decided to speak.
“Have you packed yet?” Her shrill voice pierced the silence.
“Yes” he replied numbly, not lifting his eyes from his plate.
Apparently, all it took was one word to make her angry today. “Look me in the eye when you’re talking to me, Sirius! You know how impolite that is.”
“Sorry, mother.” He apologized, finally meeting her cold gaze.
Sirius knew he had his mother’s eyes. He often hoped his weren't as disturbing as the stormy cloud that inhabited hers. He could practically feel lightning piercing through his soul each time he as much as glanced at them. He quickly looked away, going back to his food.
That seemed to satisfy her. She took a sip from her coffee before continuing. “Be ready to leave in half an hour, Regulus won’t be coming to the station with us”
So say goodbye now
His mother often implied things, often the most important part of what she meant to say. It's like she has been conditioned to leave out the meaning behind her words, always leaving others reading in-between the lines.
It was hard reading her at times, especially when she was mad. Her words could be interpreted in so many ways at times, it was hard guessing which one is the right answer. Everyone always felt like they were stepping on glass around her. Other times, Sirius understood. Her words made so much sense, the ones that were left unsaid that is. Because as much as Sirius hates it, he thinks like his mother. He has to. To understand, to do the right thing, to know how to get around it, he needs to think like she does. So sometimes, he instantly knows what she means. It was one of those times.
With that, Sirius nodded, and stood up, having finished eating. He glanced in his brother’s direction, giving him a look only he could recognize. Growing up, they’d learned plenty of tricks to communicate between each other. In a household where your words were limited, you had to get creative. In times of distress, or simply when they needed each other, a simple look or flick of the wrist was all it took for the brothers to understand one another. His brother looked back at him, he didn't need to nod for Sirius to know he would follow him. A few minutes after Sirius had left the dining room, he too, excused himself and headed up to their rooms.
Regulus still had his messy black curls uncombed and bags under his eyes, he must have slept just as much as Sirius.
The second the two of them were alone, he threw himself at his older brother, capturing him in a tight hug. He held on as if someone would be taken away from him. The younger brother buried his head on Sirius’s shoulder and whispered:
“I don't want you to leave.”
Sirius could only sigh, hugging back his brother.
“It will be alright. It's only for a year. I'll be back for winter break, and summer will come around before you know it”
That didn't seem to reassure Regulus.
“But what about mom, what if she…” He didn't need to finish his sentence for Sirius to know what he meant.
“Don’t worry. There’s no reason for you to get in trouble. I'm always the one messing up anyway. Just listen to what she says and you will be fine.” He tried to keep a smile on his face, it felt horrible to lie to his brother. The promise of safety was one he simply couldn't give him, not under this roof.
Regulus was silent for a long moment, before finally pulling out of the hug. His eyes still red and puffy from his tears.
“Promise you’ll write to me?”
Sirius smiled, for real this time. “Promise.”
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Kings Cross was the busiest place on earth, Sirius was sure of it. He’d never seen that many people in one place, it's like they all had somewhere to go but always ended up here instead. Strangers rushed by, carrying briefcases, others ran around with luggage. Some of them, a bit more rugged than the others, sat on the cold pavement, looking like they had all the time in the world. Muggles we’re truly a mystery.
Sirius would definitely lose himself in the chaos of it all if his mother wasn't dragging him by the wrist. He followed the clanging sound that her heels made on the walkway through the crowd, up until the platform 9 sign was above their heads. She didn't even bother to stop before she went straight into the wall. For a second Sirius was confused, and the closer they approached the brick wall the faster the panic settled in. He knew this woman was mad but walking head first in a wall? What was she thinking? Sirius tried to struggle away, but her grip was firm on his wrist, starting to leave a red halo around it. She glanced back, an annoyed look on her face, as if Sirius was the crazy one for not wanting to crash into a ton of bricks. But on the moment of impact, he saw his mother's nose peak through the wall, followed by her body disappearing behind it. Soon he did too, passing through the illusionary barrier like it was a curtain of silk. The initial shock of the trick was quickly replaced with awe as Sirius laid eyes on the other side of the station.
It was a lot like discovering Diagon Alley for the first time, the warm feeling of familiarity rushed to his head. Wizard all around, carrying carts full of luggage and polished brooms, while dropping off their kids. You could tell those for whom it was the first time, they clung to their children with tears in their eyes as the first years tried to struggle out of their mothers arms, feeling embarrassed. An owl that had probably managed to break out of his cage flew around the bright red locomotive, merging with the trail of smoke the chimney let out. The chattering noise of the platform died down, as Walburga’s cold voice brought Sirius back to reality. She had let go of his wrist and turned to him.
“Remember what I told you. At that school, you represent the House of Black. So don’t bring shame upon us, and don’t associate with any blood traitors. Understood?”
“Yes mother.” Sirius looked up to her, making an annoyed face. He’d heard that speech way too many times before.
His mother stared at him for a long second, calculating her next words. A tight forced smile appeared on her face, as she started speaking in a way she thought sounded sweet.
“You will love your time as a Slytherin, these were the best years of my life.” The words were meant to be encouraging, but they implied a lot of things. When I was away from home. Before I was forced to marry your father.
For a second, Sirius could see his own reflection in his mother’s eyes. He felt a wave of empathy for her, and in that moment, he seemed to have seen a side of her he’d never seen before, or rather never tried to understand.
Sirius nodded his head. His mother’s smile faltered, her face falling into her natural frown. But there was something almost kind in her eyes. She looked away, as if she got caught doing something she shouldn’t be doing.
Sirius looked away too. He saw other children hugging their parents goodbye, receiving loving kisses on the cheek and waving their siblings goodbye. Sirius felt empty, he didn't want his mother to hug him goodbye. He didn't want her to care. So why did he feel this way?
The train conductor rang the bell, announcing that it was time to go. Sirius grabbed the luggage Kreacher had been carrying the whole time, following them around. He turned to his mother, in an almost formal manner.
“Goodbye, mother.”
She turned back to him, a faint smile on her lips. “Goodbye, Sirius. Remember to be kind to your cousins. Make me proud, son.”
Sirius nodded and turned around, before his mother could see the tear falling from his eye and the growing smile on his face. What was wrong with him?
“Oh and Sirius?”
He stopped on his tracks, turning around expectantly.
“Remember, Toujours pur. ”
His smile vanished.
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The carriage began to move as Sirius made his way down the hall. He peeked through the cabins as he walked, all full of older students, probably catching up on how each others summer went. The station had a musty smell from the rain the train brought it and the clear lack of ventilation, but thankfully once he stepped inside the sweet smell of Liquorice wands and sugar quills replaced it. The compartments were warm and kept the chill from the station at bay, making Sirius relax a little. He was still awfully tense about the whole thing. The further he walked, the more worried he got about not finding a cabin with an empty spot. What if he got stuck sitting with some weird mudbloods or worse, a bunch of girls?
Sirius struggled to keep his balance, wobbling on his feet, swaying with the movement of the locomotive. Paired with the loud chatter around him, his stress and the sweet smell, which quickly became unpleasant, it made him want to puke.
He neared the end of the wagon as he, thankfully, spotted a half empty cabin, with two young boys that looked his age. He stilled for a moment, breathing in, and out. He slid the door open and sat on the opposite banquette, with exaggerated confidence. The two first years stopped their previous conversation and looked at him, as if expecting an explanation. He rolled his eyes and held out his hand for them to shake.
“Sirius Black. Nice to meet you. You are?”
The two young boys looked at each other, before one of them turned to him and shook his hand.
“James Potter. Nice to meet you too. What’s the formalities for? Not one of those posh pure bloods are you?
The boy, James, had large round glasses that looked far too big for him, and wild curly hair that fell over his face. The brown haired boy had a wicked grin on his face, proud of his joke. He looked annoyingly pleased with himself, but Sirius was too relieved to care. Even if the Potter’s weren't exactly the wizard family they got along with best, it was definitely better than half the other kids on this train. Sirius also secretly relished in the fact his mom would have narrowed her eyes at him if she saw him right now.
“Well, I'm afraid to say I am. Just as much as you are, Potter.” Sirius matched the grin on the other boy’s face.
“Hey! I'm not posh!” James retorted, trying to sound vexed. His smile widened, however. “C’mon Pete, tell him I'm not posh!” He turned to his friend for backup.
The other boy looked uncomfortable. He sagged awkwardly in his seat, his hay coloured hair falling over his eyes. He simply answered with a shy nod and mumbled “f’course you’re not…”
There was an awkward silence as both James and Sirius stared at the other boy.
“Well? Not going to introduce yourself?” Sirius finally said.
The other boy gaped at him, he looked like he was about to answer. But before he could, the door slid open abruptly. Sirius looked up to the new visitor.
The scrawny boy stood awkwardly in the doorframe, a hand leaning on it to keep balance, and the other anxiously tracing his neck. As they exited the underground station, the window from the carriage let in rays of light, reflecting on half the boy's face, while the rest was hidden beneath a shadow. His light brown hair was slightly wavy and his eyes were a matching maroon colour, looking almost amber in the sunlight.
“Could I sit with you lot?”
The boys were all silent for a moment. Peter looked at James, as if waiting for his approval, and Sirius was too busy staring at the boy.
He locked eyes with him, the other boy having acknowledged Sirius’s staring. For the shy looking type, he met his gaze with unfaltering ferocity. He looked as if he was challenging Sirius to say something. However, Sirius was too busy staring at the scars on his face to realize that.
He had a few long lines framing his face, and one above his eyebrow. They were quite a contrast with the rest of his fragile frame, making him look almost tough.
Before Sirius could realize what he was doing was impolite, James answered.
“Yeah! You're welcome to join us mate. What's your name?”
“Remus, Remus Lupin.” He answered drily, sitting down next to Sirius.
There's yet another awkward silence. Remus doesn't bother to ask for any of their names, and decides to look out the window.
Sirius is slightly upset he didn't take the window seat when he first got in.
James looks disappointed too, but he quickly turns to the boy next to him and continues the conversation they previously had, something about Quidditch. Sirius listens but doesn't participate, as much as he’d love too. There's just too much going on. He learns that the chubby cheeked friend of James is named Peter, and the two of them must have been friends for a while because they seem very close. James does most of the talking while Peter snacks on a few chocolate frogs that he bought from the trolley when it came by. Sirius had been tempted but he still felt a bit sick, so he decided to restrain himself from taking anything he might regret. James took a few Cauldron Cakes and a packet of Fizzing Whizbees. (Which, within the next hour, would lead to James levitating and hitting his head on the roof of the compartment, he laughed about it for the rest of the ride.) Remus also didn't take anything, he took out a bar of chocolate he had packed in his trunk. Sirius could not recognize the muggle brand but it was named after a planet, which he found rather strange.
The train began gaining speed, and some voices could be heard from outside the window. They all looked confused for a moment, before James stood up to investigate. He opened the large window of the compartment and poked his head out. They all looked at the boy with the glasses, waiting for a reaction, before he burst out laughing.
“You guys have to look at this! He announced with excitement.
Soon enough, Peter poked his head out too, and Sirius had to squeeze himself between Remus and James to get a good look outside. First years from all the other compartments were doing the same thing, gasping in awe at the sight. The tracks were running across a steep bridge, crossing a beautiful river. The hills in the distance made a breathtaking sight, and for a moment they all admired wordlessly. Sirius felt the breeze in his hair, the view before him seemed infinite, and for a moment, he felt more free than ever. So when James started screaming: “WOOOOOHOO” with pure joy, Sirius joined him too. Peter ended up laughing at them but joining a few seconds later, while Remus looked at them all with a wide smile on his face, trying to hold back a laugh.
At some point during the ride, Peter fell asleep drooling with traces of chocolate framing his mouth, James had finally dragged Sirius in a conversation about his favourite Quidditch players, and Remus was reading a book. Sirius had never read that one, but he recognized the muggle author, Mary Shelley. He smiled to himself, but he’d rather die than admit to anyone he read those kinds of books, so he didn't say anything.
Time passed surprisingly fast, and they arrived in no time. Sirius didn't feel so sick anymore.
⋆⋅☆⋅⋆
The four of them stuck together for the rest of the day. Perhaps out of new found friendship, but mostly because none of them wanted to be alone.
Once they finally arrived at Hogsmeade Station, the sun was setting in the horizon. The first years all took the boats to reach Hogwarts, and if Sirius thought the view on the train was breathtaking, this one didn't even compare. The view of the castle in the distance was almost intimidating. It was huge, with high towers and stained glass windows. The lake surrounding it was a pitch black colour, and Sirius could not see the bottom. He recalled it was called the Black Lake, which he found quite Ironic. Reading the stupid Hogwarts History book wasn't a waste after all.
He was a little scared as the boat swayed in the water. It was dark by now and the only source of light came from the lantern attached to the end of the boat. He felt like if they swayed a little too much, they would fall into the water and get devoured by a big lake monster. Sirius had heard rumours about it, from his cousins. Apparently it would come and visit the outskirts of the Slytherin dungeons, swimming right next to the dormitories, hunting for prey. Sirius found the rumours silly and shook them off, having read no such thing in the stupid book. But now, he's questioning himself.
“Imagine if some kind of lake monster lived down there…” James looked down at the water, reading Sirius’s thoughts.
“I heard it was some kind of giant squid.” Offered Remus.
“Both of you shut up! Don't say that… There's not actually a giant squid, right? Peter cried out, looking squeamish.
Sirius scoffed. “Obviously not, that's just dumb stories they tell first years to scare them.”
“Oh I'm not so sure about that… don't you feel its presence beneath the waves, Pete?” James taunted, that same wicked smile from earlier coming back.
Peter looked downright terrified, and to be honest Sirius was a little scared too.
Before he had time to worry further, something cold and wet splashed him across the face. When he wiped the water away from his eyes and opened them, he saw James sitting on the opposite side of him, a wide grin on his face. Oh this little- Sirius put his hand in the lake, bringing as much water as he could with him and propelling it in James’s face. The other boy gasped in disbelief but promptly began laughing. Before they knew it, the both of them were in a full on splashing battle with each other. Sirius was already dripping head to toe when Peter tried stopping them.
“Guys seriously, stop! You're making the boat shake!” He whimpered next to James.
“They're getting water everywhere…” Remus complained, sitting in front of Peter, sliding down the bench in an attempt to get away from the both of them, trying to keep himself dry.
James and Sirius just kept laughing and throwing water at each other. He realized the kids in the boats around them started staring at them, some cheering them on even. Sirius could feel water pooling at his shoes and his socks were wet, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He was having the time of his life. James kept trying to invade his splashes and he did the same, only a bit less gracefully. He unconsciously stepped back, trying to avoid the huge wave of cold water James was about to throw in his face, but he quickly stopped laughing when his foot slipped on the wet wood and he fell backwards. He tried to hold onto something, but in vain, only the starry sky stood in front of him. He panicked and screamed as his back hit the water with a loud splash.
⋆⋅☆⋅⋆
They got a good ten minute long scolding by one of the teachers the minute they stepped off the boat. This was not how he expected his first arrival was going to be like. When he first fell in, he felt like he was going to die. The lake monster was going to eat him alive and he was going to die in that lake. He, embarrassingly enough, was never taught how to swim, so he was wiggling in the water, hitting his hands against the surface in a pathetic attempt to stay up. Thankfully, he fell close enough to the boat so he could grab onto the edge, but he kept slipping back down, in his panicked state. Remus leaned on the edge of the boat, trying to grab Sirius, but his arms kept moving around too much for him to hold on. “Just stay still for fuck’s sake! Stop paddling around like a dog!” Remus sounded angry and worried. Peter was on the opposite side of the boat, maintaining balance to keep the boat from flipping over. He looked as frightened as Sirius, maybe a bit more.
Before Sirius could even fully register what was going on, he heard another loud splash. James bloody Potter had jumped. Jumped! He was laughing like a maniac and swam back up to the surface with ease, his glasses left on the bench of the boat. He squinted his eyes at Sirius, before pushing out a bunch of water in his direction, splashing him and Remus in the face. The other boy had finally managed to grab Sirius’s arm, but was not strong enough to pull him completely up.
“ARE YOU SERIOUS??” Remus screamed at James, a look of disbelief on his face.
Strangely enough, Sirius felt much less scared after James jumped in too. He was still splashing water around, having way too much fun, and Sirius couldn't help but laugh along with him.
“No, I'm Sirius!” He looked up at Remus and smirked. Remus looked as if he was considering dropping him back in the water.
In the end, James helped push Sirius back up into the boat, and Remus and him both helped him climb up too. When they made it to shore, an old woman with grey hair and a pointy hat stopped them. She looked at the drenched boys and gave them a look that said: You have a lot of explaining to do.
After she was done reprimanding them, she thankfully sent them off without any consequence and casted a quick drying spell. “Next time, I won't let you all go so easily.” they heard her say before making their way up to the great hall.
⋆⋅☆⋅⋆
“I can't believe we're going to be late for the sorting… This is all YOUR fault James!” Peter grumbled, still looking a bit pale from the incident.
“Oh come on! I'm not the one that fell in the first place. Anyway, we're barely late, I'm sure they won't mind waiting for us for a minute or two.” James replied, barely even glancing in Peter’s direction.
Sirius was still busy trying to fix his hair, which had gotten all tangled after he fell in the water, the long black curls wrapping around each other. Remus looked exhausted, mumbling something under his breath about regretting sitting with the three of them.
“So, what house do you think you two will be sorted in? Me and Pete already know we're gonna be in Gryffindor, no doubt about that.” James exclaimed with confidence, turning his head to look expectantly at Sirius and Remus.
“Slytherin.” Sirius replied, it was pretty much a reflex at this point.
James dramatically stopped walking and fully turned around. “WHAT?? YOU WANT TO BE A SLYTHERIN!? BUT WHY??”
Sirius remained calm. “Well, Potter, I’ll have you know not a single member of my family has not been in Slytherin. All of them succumbed to the curse, so I doubt I’ll be the exception. What’s so wrong with Slytherin anyway?”
“ Merlin…” Peter looked at Sirius with pity in his eyes.
“Well first of all, that’s bollocks, it doesn't mean anything! You’re all just convincing yourself to get sorted there. Did you know that the hat can read your thoughts? So if you believe in that dumb curse, obviously you’ll get sorted there. Second of all, Slytherin’s are weird slimy little gits, and our sworn enemies, so don't even think about getting sorted there, otherwise we can't be friends.” James replied, now determined to convert Sirius to his Gryffindor ways.
“And what if I want to be in Slytherin?!” Sirius retorted, getting offended by James’s words.
“Well, do you??” He asked.
Sirius fell silent for a moment. He hadn't really considered any other options.
“I don't know…” he answered honestly.
James looked at him for a moment, but seemed to be willing to let go of the conversation.
“What about you then?” He asked Remus.
“Hm?” He snapped his head up. “Oh, I don't really mind.”
“Well aren't the both of you just so thrilling…” Peter muttered sarcastically.
⋆⋅☆⋅⋆
The Great Hall was enormous, with high ceilings that dissolved into the night sky. Sirius could see his constellation above the floating candles that filled the room. There were four long tables, one next to the other, extending all the way to the end of the hall. Each table was filled with plenty of students from their respective houses. Below the large gothic windows at the end of the room, an elevated section held a golden podium, with a table full of teachers at the back of it. As they made their way down the hall to reach the rest of the first years, Sirius felt cold sweat running down his body. He expected to show up to the sorting with full confidence, without a doubt in his mind where he was going to end up. Now, he was unsure, and that was honestly terrifying. It didn't help that most of the students turned their heads to look at the four boys who had arrived late. In the corner of his eye, Sirius could make out two familiar figures sitting at the Slytherin table. Bellatrix and Narcissa were staring at him expectantly, the seat to their left was left empty, waiting for him.
Once they reached the others and Dumbledore, the headmaster, began doing his annual start of year speech, Sirius couldn't hear the words coming out of the old man’s mouth. His mind was spinning. He looked at James, smiling and unable to stay still, he looked excited beyond belief. Peter, next to him, complained about getting it over with already because he was hungry. When he glanced at Remus, the brown haired boy was already examining him, so he looked away. Remus kept staring at him, and eventually leaned in to whisper to him.
“Are you okay?” He had a worried look in his eye, quite the difference to his usual glare.
“Yes, I'm fine.” Sirius answered, feeling his throat go dry. It sounded less convincing than he intended it to.
Remus kept looking him in the eye, and Sirius was starting to get uncomfortable. Before he could tell him to stop, Remus whispered to him again:
“You don't have to be who they want you to be.”
With that, Sirius could only stare at him with wide eyes, his mouth gaping. Around him, chatter rose up again as Dumbledore left the podium, and the sorting began. Right above the stairs was a small stool with a funny looking hat sitting on it. It had an annoyed looking face, reminding him of his father’s. Unfortunately for him, the list was in alphabetical order, so Black was one of the very first ones to go.
When his name was called, voices rose up around the room. People whispered, yet another Black that will be sorted in slytherin, no doubt. He could see his cousins waving at him from the Slytherin table, eager to have him join them. As he sat down on the stool, his gaze shifted to his friends. James was grinning at him with two thumbs up, trying to encourage Sirius. Peter looked stressed, but gave him a small smile, hope glittering behind his eyes. Remus looked extremely unbothered. His arms were crossed and he gave Sirius an unimpressed look. The old hat was settled on his head, and it started making weird pensive noises.
“Hmmm, a Black huh?” It grumbled. “Well I know just where to put you.”
Sirius felt his heart skip a beat. He looked back at his friends. Lupin was raising an eyebrow at him, challenging him. His previous words kept echoing in the back of Sirius’s mind.
“Oh? What is that? Interesting…” Sirius swore he was going to punch this stupid hat off his head if it didn't stop speaking so loud. “Well, well, well…” Why won't it just shut up already??
He could see Bellatrix and Narcissa staring at him, confused looks on their faces. After what felt like an eternity of awkward silence and hmm’s from the hat, it finally made its decision.
⋆⋅☆⋅⋆
Sirius knows he should get up. The hat sorted him over half a minute ago, and it would be socially adequate to get up and head to the table by now. But he's frozen. He’s aware his nails are digging into the sides of the stool, probably leaving marks on the wood. He knows his breath has stopped, and he should probably start breathing soon. People are staring and he should get up. But he can't.
Because, what? He must have heard the hat wrong. He remains sitting, hoping the hat changes its mind, and says something else. Say something, he wanted to scream. The Great Hall was silent and he wanted them to scream. To laugh at him, to tell him he's a disgrace, he wanted someone to say something. Alas, the silence only got louder.
Sirius felt someone finally lift the hat up his head, and whisper something in his ear. Probably something along the lines of: “Are you alright?” But he couldn't listen.
He knew they meant to tell him to get a move on because the rest of the kids are waiting, so he got up.
He couldn't really feel his legs, they moved on their own towards the Gryffindor table. He was aware his friend's initial excitement and applause had died down to worried looks. Sirius knew his cousins were glaring daggers at him. He knew the entirety of the school was thinking the exact same thing.
So he walked, eyes empty and back straight, feeling his mother's nails digging into his shoulder blades. Get a hold of yourself, Sirius. Don't slouch, don't look at your feet, keep your chin up. So he sat down near the end of the table, flashing the rest of his new “house” a synthetic smile. The Great Hall was just one big banquet after all.
He wondered what his mother, what his family would think. They would all be so disappointed. No, not disappointed, they would be disgusted. Repulsed by the idea of one of their own being sorted into anything else than Slytherin. He wondered where he’d gone wrong. What he’d done differently from the others to end up here.
As the sound of his friend’s being sorted echoed in the back of his mind, he couldn't help to blame them. If he never sat in that stupid carriage, if he never talked to these idiots, if he never listened to their stupid words, he wouldn't be here. He felt anger seep through him, but beyond that he felt resentment for himself. Because this was truly no one’s fault but his.
He would get punished for this. With blood, most likely. They would watch it seep out of him, glad to save their precious blood from an unworthy body. He’d remember it. Because he remembered what happened the time he dropped an expensive vase, and the time he didn't show up to his piano lesson. He always remembered, this time, the question would be whether he would still be there to remember it. He could feel the soil falling over his head, the thought of what was waiting for him back home haunting him.
But the year had just started, and that was in long time. So while he was still alive, he might as well make the most of it. He tried to forget and push back the thought, finally snapping back to the present. Soon enough, Remus, James and Peter sat next to him. Sirius would feel happy they were all sorted in the same house, if he could feel anything other than fear right now.
Once food appeared on the table, (quite literally appeared, Sirius had no idea where it came from, no one even lifted their wand) none of the boys dared to touch the feast before them, too tense to really do anything. The exception was Peter, who dug right in with no hesitation, grabbing a few bread rolls and stacking his plate with mashed potatoes and gravy. James and Remus kept staring at him, obviously worried but not brave enough to say anything.
Chatter rose around them as the other students began to eat, the sound of their voices breaking the cold atmosphere Sirius had created in his head, like shattering ice. The Hall looked much more livelier, the candles danced above their heads and the echoing laughs warmed the room. Finally, Sirius unfrosted himself from his daze and decided he’s had enough.
Almost aggressively, he filled his plate with all kinds of meats and salads, grabbing a bread bun and shoving it in his mouth. He didn't even bother to pick up his fork, what's the point in manners now? He ate like a starved child, looking like a savage with sticky fingers and butter lining his mouth.
The others looked shocked and slightly grossed out for a few seconds, before James proceeded to do the same. The boy grabbed a chicken leg and ripped off half the meat in his mouth, chewing with his mouth open. His glasses moving up and down with the exaggerated movements of his mouth. He looked more like a caveman than Sirius did. They stared at each other, still aggressively chewing, before they both burst out laughing. Bread crumbs flew everywhere and James was now choking on a piece of chicken. The funniest part was they didn't really know why they were laughing.
James reminded him of Regulus. He was the kind of person you could share a look with and immediately start laughing, forgetting about all your problems, like you do with your siblings. In their brief moments together, Sirius knew James. He knew that from that moment on, they would be inseparable. If Sirius got in trouble, James would too. If Sirius decided to do something ridiculous, James would join. If Sirius decided to jump in a lake, James would jump in too. It was too soon to tell at the time, but James would become like a brother to him.
“Gross… close your mouth James.” Remus complained, the hint of a smile forming on his face.
“mghft!” James tried to communicate, still choking himself to death.
“Why are we laughing?” Peter asked, confused.
The two boys were too busy laughing to answer him. Sirius had tears in his eyes from trying to keep the remaining bread in his mouth, though he soon realized it was a lost cause.
“They’ve gone mad.” Remus confirmed.