Chapter 18 Dudley
Chapter 18 Dudley
Dudley was leaning against Draco’s wall staring at the space Draco had vacated earlier that morning. He was a cauldron of bubbling emotion. He was still reeling, the incident with Lucius was raw, he could still feel his sharp nail on his neck, his disgusting Slippery tongue pushing its way into his mouth, the nausea he had felt after, that he still felt. He knew it was a cliche but he just wanted to shower, to scrub it all away, as if it was that simple, he felt disgusting. He couldn’t stop replaying it in his head. When Dudley closed his eyes Lucius was always right there waiting for him. Lucius had violated his mind as well as his body. Somehow the worst part was that Lucius had made Dudley complicit, there was a part of Dudley that felt responsible, he felt guilty no matter how much he tried to rationalise it. The first peck he had given Lucius, it must have somehow made him want more, that was his fault. Despite how illogical it was Dudley’s mind liked to taunt him with it at every opportunity. The disgust and the guilt were a heady mixture that left Dudley exhausted.
Then there was the matter of Draco. Could Dudley trust him? He wasn’t sure what to think. Lucius seemed to think Draco was firmly with Voldemort, Lucius had implied Draco had done terrible things, the idea of Draco hurting other people tugged on a string in his heart. Draco had clearly divulged parts of their conversations to Voldemort Which didn’t help Dudley’s internal struggle.
Dudley had spent the remainder of the previous afternoon drifting in and out of lucidity, doubting himself, doubting Draco, hating himself, hating Draco, hating Lucius, hating Voldemort, crying, hugging himself, wishing he could hug his mum and torturing himself by replaying every traumatic and depraved thing that had happened to him in the last few weeks. Dudley had been in a deep hole when Draco arrived. At first Dudley thought it was Lucius, they looked startlingly alike sometimes. Their hair was exactly the same colour, the sharp jaw and pointed nose almost identical, they even moved in a similar careful way.
When Dudley had thought Lucius had returned he had gone ice cold, something heavy and dreadful settled in his guts. When he had realised it was Draco the weight inside him was replaced with a relief that left him weak, Dudley needed Draco close, needed to feel his warmth under his hands, run his fingers through his blonde locks and ground himself. Keep himself present by attaching himself to Draco.
Dudley had nearly died when Draco had asked if he wanted him to leave, it felt like Draco leaving him in that moment could have killed him. Dudley just couldn’t face being close to someone yet. He wanted to touch him so badly but just couldn’t bring himself to do it. As Draco had read to him he’d slowly felt his body crawl down from the ceiling and become his again. There was something about Draco that Dudley was becoming frighteningly reliant on, was it Stockholm syndrome? It didn’t feel like it was, but surely no one thought they had Stockholm syndrome.
Dudley stood and walked over to Draco’s spot, he sat down and closed his eyes, imagining Draco was with him, close to him.
There was a loud crack and Draco suddenly appeared in the dungeon, as if summoned directly from Dudley’s thoughts.
Draco took in Dudley’s position and Dudley felt his cheeks redden.
‘Great news!’ Draco was almost bouncing on his feet, unable to stand still.
‘They’re all out today, all of them on some big mission, it’ll just be us here, and Vinny but he won’t bother us.’
‘Oh, okay.’ Dudley didn’t really understand why it would make much difference, none of the others outside of Lucius seemed overly bothered by Dudley’s presence in the dungeon, he seemed to barely register as a person to them, even Voldemort hadn’t been down to see him. Draco was still vibrating with restless energy.
‘Dudley! We can go out! They’re going to be gone all day! We can do whatever you want.’
‘What…’ Dudley couldn’t finish his sentence, did he mean outside? How long had it been since Dudley had been outside, he didn’t know how long he’d been at the manor, it felt like months sometimes but it couldn’t have been. He would be able to see the sun and feel the breeze on his skin. He could look at trees, feel the bark under his fingers, tiny things that mean nothing, except they’re everything when they’re stolen from you. Dudley couldn’t help it, his eyes prickled and then quickly started overflowing.
‘Dudley? Oh god, I’m sorry, we don’t have to.’
Draco looked stricken.
Dudley couldn’t quite form an answer yet, his voice was too weak.
‘Can I come closer?’
Draco asked hesitantly.
Dudley just nodded, he was nervous but he wanted Draco closer.
Draco stepped forwards and Dudley’s breath hitched.
‘Can I?’ Draco reached an arm out as if to place it on Dudley’s back.
Dudley nodded again.
Draco placed an arm around Dudley’s shoulders. It felt good, it felt so good to be touched by a friend, to be touched with affection and fondness, Dudley had forgotten what that was. It was awkward, but incredible. Dudley wanted to thank Draco, his kindness was a gift, but Dudley still couldn’t find his voice, instead he turned his body into Draco’s arm, burying his face into Draco’s shoulder, they were half hugging. Dudley was much larger of the two of them he had to hunch over to keep himself small enough to fit between Draco’s arms. Draco brought his hands together at Dudley’s back. A proper hug.
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you, we don’t have to if you don’t want to, I just thought you might like to.’
Dudley didn’t speak for a while, enjoying being enveloped in Draco’s arms, breathing in the earthiness of him, he smelled like soil after rain.
‘I want to.’
He said eventually.
Dudley reluctantly pulled himself out of Draco’s arms, to look him in the eye.
There was no unkindness there, Dudley decided whatever Draco had told Voldemort he had done out of necessity and not malice. Dudley would not hold it against him.
Dudley managed a weak smile, wiping a tear from his cheek.
‘Sorry, I don’t know why I reacted like that.’
‘You don’t need to apologise.’
It should have been weird, they were far too close, their faces only inches apart, but it didn’t feel weird, it felt good.
‘When can we go?’ Dudley asked
‘Now, they’ve already left, they took a portkey ten minutes ago, I’ve checked the entire manor, there’s no one here but us.’
‘Do we have to do the dissapeary thing?’
‘Apparate?’
‘Yeah that.’
‘Afraid so, but it won’t be as bad this time, we’re only going a short distance, when Umbridge took you you travelled several counties in one go, we’re only apparating somewhere else within the same house.’
Dudley winced at the memory of being pulled apart and forced back together, but he trusted Draco.
‘Okay, let’s go’ Dudley declared.
Draco’s put out a hand and Dudley took it without hesitation. Draco’s hands were much smaller than Dudley’s. Draco’s hands were pale, soft, elegant, a piano players hands. Dudley’s were large, misshapen, calloused from boxing and sore from being picked at but when their skin touched it felt like their hands were perfectly matched, made to fit together.
‘Ready?’ Draco asked
‘Ready.’ Dudley answered
And they were gone, the sensation of his stomach being ripped from the rest of his body was sickening but it lasted only a second this time, Draco was right, shorter distances were easier.
They had apparated into an enormous circular orangery.
The walls were tall, the arched windows at least ten feet high, leading to an ornate circular window at the top. Greenery covered almost every inch, plants with leaves as big as umbrellas, long fronds poking out of small pots on wooden shelves. Some of the plants looked familiar, others looked distinctly magical, one was in a large grey pot and seemed to be pulsating, the flat purple leaves throbbing slowly.
Another had long tentacles that were waving as if they were underwater. Some held fruits that Dudley had never seen before, tiny pink berries covered one, sharp orange spikes covered another. It felt like a rainforest, it was full, vibrant and thriving. A marble water feature trickled in the middle, two mermaids swimming around one another, they had fangs and lythe sinewy bodies. Water ran from out of their mouths, magically circling their bodies in a spiral before landing gently in the pool at the base. The mermaids were beautiful, terrifying but beautiful.
A chaise upholstered with a green and grey floral motif was next to the water feature. It took Dudley a while to absorb the space, it was spectacular, vibrant and green with life. So different from where he had come from. The air was different, It wasn’t damp, it was fresh and clean. The sky was visible from every angle, tall windows covered every wall.
‘Wow’ Dudley eventually said in a whisper turning from a plant that appeared to be dancing in its pot and looking at Draco.
‘I love it here too’ Draco said looking directly at Dudley, its all mine, no one else ever comes here.
‘Do you want to sit? I brought us a new book to start.’
Draco gestured to the chaise which had a beaten up copy of Frankenstein waiting on it.
‘Yes please!’ Dudley could think of nothing else he would prefer.
He sat next to Draco and listened. Draco read for an hour or so, the story of Frankenstein filling the space, the hubris of man, the desperation of the creature. The story was agony, desperation and escape. It was a relief to be lost in someone else’s problems.
The day was pleasant, cool and clear with a blue sky. Dudley watched the clouds moving slowly through the sky through the ceiling window. The sounds of the water from the mermaids and the graceful movements of the strange plants lulled Dudley into a state of calm that he had not felt for months, years even. He was happy, he could have stayed there all day, but this happiness had an expiry and there were other things he wanted to do.
‘Can we go outside?’ Dudley asked at the end of a chapter.
‘Of course, we can walk in the orchard if you’d like?’
‘Sounds perfect.’
Draco led him, out the metal doors of the orangery into a large and perfectly manicured garden. Small hedges neatly cut into cubes lined the white gravel path, flower beds, planted with precision, orderly lines of blooming flowers, larger hedges trimmed at right angles, trees that looked completely symmetrical all combined to make a pretty but utterly soulless space. The garden was at odds with the chaos of the orangery. They followed the pathway to the right, the sound of the gravel crunching under his feet gave Dudley goosebumps. He was outisde, with the sky above him and the ground beneath him, Dudley was so filled with an overwhelming gratefulness. Recklessly he grabbed for Draco’s hand, he just wanted him close, as near to him as possible. He half expected Draco to reject it him, but Draco grabbed his hand right back, turning back to give him a large grin. Draco looked like he was sparkling, he was filled with light, it was pouring out of him. Seeing him there, happy and glowing under a blue sky was the most wonderful thing Dudley had ever seen.
Dudley grinned back, everything was shit, but this was amazing, he would grab onto happiness where he found it, even if it happened to be in the garden of his prison.
It took them a while to reach the orchard, it was hidden behind several levels of manicured gardens. A worn wooden gate to the right led them into a vast orchard, apples, pears, cherries and plums, there must have been acres and acres of them Dudley couldn’t see where they ended.
‘This is amazing’ he said simply. It was the truth.
Draco shrugged, ‘Shall we walk?’
‘Yes’ Dudley answered, eager to stretch his legs properly, he had the overwhelming urge to run, test his lungs.
He let go of Draco’s hand and went for it, he sprinted full tilt directly into the trees, weaving in and out of them, he was laughing out loud, he couldn’t say why, but he just couldn’t contain himself. When his lungs began to burn and he could feel the lactic acid building in his calves he slowed down and looked behind him to see Draco jogging, he was desperately out of breath but still following him.
‘Hurry up slowcoach!’ He shouted back at Draco before leaning on a tree and trying to even his own breaths.
Eventually Draco caught up to him, Draco could barely talk by the time he made it to Dudley. He was bent over his knees struggling to catch his breath.
‘That… was… too… fast…’ Draco eventually managed.
‘I thought you were an athlete’ Dudley retorted, glad that his own breathing was now normal.
‘Well the broom does a lot of the heavy lifting in quidditch if I’m honest’ Draco looked up and smiled as he said it, then he dramatically fell down onto his back in the grass.
This couldn’t be happening, it was some kind of trick, he would wake up in a minute back in the dungeon. Alone. He was sure of it. He was enjoying himself, the embers in his heart beginning to glow brighter. He still felt the sadness of his parents deaths, his pure terror of Lucius, the anxiety of his position as prisoner, but those things seemed to be overshadowed by the growing happiness inside him as he looked at Draco sprawled out and breathing hard. He was spread out on his back, his eyes closed, he looked like a painting, the green background highlighting his pale skin and hair. He had a few freckles on his nose that almost looked like brushstrokes. Dudley fell on to the ground next to him.
‘I’m a boxer you know’ he said making light conversation.
‘What’s a boxer?’ Draco turned his head and opened his eyes.
‘What?’ Dudley also turned his head so that they were looking right at each other.
Why did he want to reach out and touch Draco’s face? It was becoming more and more clear to Dudley that he wanted Draco. He couldn’t really deny it anymore, it was so obvious. Why bother pretending when he could die at any moment?
‘What’s boxing?’ Draco repeated.
‘It’s a sport, you’ve never heard of boxing?’ Dudley couldn’t believe it.
‘It’s a muggle sport isn’t it? I would never have been taught about a muggle sport.’
Draco’s eyebrows came together in a frown, Dudley didn’t want to linger on Draco’s blood supremacist childhood, he quickly moved on.
‘Well, it’s sort of like fighting, you wear padded gloves and punch each other.’
‘That’s barbaric! That’s fun for you is it?’
Draco laughed
‘Yeah I guess, I mean I’m good at it so it’s nice to be good at something, I was never particularly academic.’
‘I have a feeling I would be bad at boxing’ Draco said.
‘I think you’re right’ Dudley stifled a laugh at the image of Draco’s skinny form in a boxing ring.
‘I think you would snap me like a twig’
That made Dudley stop, he gently touched Draco’s arm.
‘I would never hurt you.’
Draco was joking, but Dudley couldn’t help himself from saying it anyway.
‘I’ll never hurt you again’ Draco replied, placing his hand on top of Dudley’s.
‘I don’t care what they do. I won’t hurt you again.’ Draco had a determined look on his face as he said it.
‘Pinkie promise?’ Dudley asked.
‘What?’
Dudley put his little finger out
‘Hook your pinkie round mine’ Dudley instructed and Draco did.
‘What does that mean?’ Draco asked
‘It means you can’t break your promise.’
‘Like a muggle version of an unbreakable vow?’
‘What’s an unbreakable vow?’
‘It’s a promise you can’t break.’
‘What happens if you break a pinkie promise?’
‘Well nothing really’ Dudley shrugged
‘Oh.’
‘What happens if you break an unbreakable vow?’
‘You die.’
‘Jesus Christ! You wizards take things so seriously.’
‘Yeah, I think I prefer the pinkie promise, much lower stakes.’ Draco laughed, bringing some levity back to the moment.
They didn’t say anything else for a while. They laid on their backs in the orchard staring at the clouds as they lazily meandered their way across the sky.
‘I’ve always hated magic, but this feels pretty magical right now’ Dudley eventually broke their silence.
‘Yeah, this is a different kind of magic I think, this is something more. Magic isn’t all bad though, it can be really useful, things like healing spells, there are some brilliant magical creatures and flying is incredible, there’s just nothing like it.’
‘Maybe its not all bad, those pain relief spells were handy.’
As he said it, Dudley realised it was true, he had hated magic vehemently for so long, but not everything was black and white, Dudley was learning more and more that the world and all the people in it were just varying shades of grey.
Draco sat up suddenly, he picked a small handful of grass and wrapped it up in his fist and whispered something into it, when he opened his palm again several green butterflies flew out and gently flapped around Dudley’s head. They were beautiful and delicate with intricate swirling patterns on their wings. They looked iridescent in the light that was streaming in mottled shafts through the trees. One of them landed gracefully on Dudley’s leg, he was transfixed by it. The most beautiful little creature and it hadn’t even existed a moment ago, it was the most incredible thing Dudley had ever witnessed. Dudley felt his heartbeat quicken, it was so exciting to bear witness to such a beautiful act. In that moment Dudley knew there was no way he could ever hate all magic. He also knew that he desperately wanted to kiss Draco.