Chapter 1
Regulus
Regulus shivered as a gust of icy air, whirled around the astronomy tower. He pulled his robes tighter and curled up against the stone wall. If he moved to the other side of the room, he wouldn’t be as cold. But that meant facing the east, and he really didn’t want to see those stars right now. The point of being here was the solitude. He didn’t need Sirius and Orion glaring down at him.
He’d just come off an entire summer of his parents breathing down his neck. He was already sick of the awkward stares he and his broth-
No. Not brother. Sirius.
He was sick of the awkward stares he and Sirius were sharing.
They weren’t family. Regulus hated him. He hated him for wearing down their parent’s tempers to nothing, then running away and leaving Regulus to deal with the consequences. He hated him for ditching his heirship and forcing it onto Regulus. He hated him for choosing mudbloods and blood traitors over him. He hated him for turning their house into a battleground. He hated him for killing his brother.
Regulus tipped his head back, resting it against the stone and closing his eyes. Hate was exhausting. Though, he supposed everything was. Emotions made him feel. Feeling made him hurt. Hurting made him cry. Crying made him weak. Weakness was private. That’s why this was the only place he ever let his thoughts wander. The only time he unlocked the doors in his mind and walked through the corridors of himself without protection.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, does it really make a sound?
“Not one that matters,” Regulus murmured to the empty room.
Another gust of wind howled through the tower, the chill seeping into his bones. Regulus was tempted to summon another jumper, but he kept his eyes closed and left his wand untouched. It was too much effort. It was all too much effort.
Regulus sighed.
Why is living so much effort?
If Regulus could have it his way, he’d find himself a little home in the mountains, hidden from the world. He’d spend his days curled up by a fire, reading his books and listening to the rain. He’d fly, brew potions, write stories and he’d be happy. No power. No influence. No stupid made up social rules.
Sirius used to have a room in that house. Regulus burned it.
He scoffed.
“Shame I can’t-”
Regulus snapped his mouth shut and his eyes flicked open as he spun toward the door. He froze. It wasn’t a professor. It wasn’t another prefect. It wasn’t even a person. It was a dog. A very large black dog, pushing open the door with its nose and staring at Regulus with big grey eyes.
Regulus scrambled for his wand, pointing it at the animal as his heart rate spiked. How had a dog gotten up here? Was it a stray? From the forest? Would it attack?
“Stay back,” Regulus warned, but the dog stepped into the room undeterred. It lowered its head to the ground, keeping its nose to the floor and wagged its tail. It walked toward Regulus slowly, making sad, whining sounds as it got closer.
It doesn’t seem aggressive…
Regulus lowered his wand, and the dog seemed to understand what that meant. It made a happier sound, wagging its tail faster as it closed the gap between and started sniffing at Regulus’ excitedly. It softly pawed at his legs and pushed its head underneath Regulus arm, nuzzling up to him and laying across his lap.
“I guess you’re friendly,” Regulus chuckled as the dog made itself comfortable. It wasn’t wearing a collar, but it didn’t seem like a stray. It was too relaxed. Too well groomed. Maybe it was a pet? He wouldn’t put it past a Gryffindor to sneak their dog into the castle.
Regulus raked his fingers through the dog’s fur, scratching down its back. The dog responded by gently rubbing its head against Regulus’ torso, as if trying to pat him back. Returning the favour.
“Thank you,” he laughed. “You’re very sweet.”
The dog panted happily, as if it understood the praise. Regulus smiled.
Maybe it did.
“You know, my brother and I always wanted a dog as kids. We used to spend hours drawing pictures of our future pet and arguing over names.” Regulus had wanted to name it Leo after his constellation, and Sirius had wanted to name it Canis after his. “We nearly had our parents convinced until Sirius decided he wanted to try make friends with our muggle neighbours.”
The dog groaned and Regulus huffed a laugh, scratching it behind the ear.
“Yes, it was very frustrating. I don’t understand why he didn’t just lie about it when they caught him, say he was planning to give them a cursed object or something. Mum probably would’ve gotten us a dog each as a reward.”
That had been the first time Sirius ever went so directly against their parents. He’d always pushed the boundaries, but that opened up a new world of rebellion. Muggle clothes. Muggle music. Muggle food. Muggle books. He’d found a way to get under their skin and exploited it.
Regulus wasn’t convinced Sirius even understood the statement he was making back then. More like he just knew that muggles annoyed their parents and decided that made them interesting.
Another freezing blast of wind shot through the tower and Regulus shuddered, suddenly very grateful for his visitor. He leaned into the dog’s warm body, wrapping his arms around it. The dog accepted the contact happily, almost cuddling back with the way it squirmed. It was nice.
“If you keep this up, I might have to take you back to my dorm,” Regulus chuckled and the dog wagged its tail, which only served to fuel Regulus’ amusement. He scratched the dogs tummy and grinned as it relaxed into it.
“I wish I could take you home,” he said. “Holidays might not be so bad if I had someone like you to hang out with. My brother ran away over the summer. We haven’t got on properly in years anyway, so I was surprised by how much I missed having him there.”
The dogs tail stopped wagging and it whimpered, raising its head and meeting Regulus’ eye. Like it understood what he’d said. Which obviously wasn’t possible, it probably just noticed the change in his tone. He let a sad smile grace his face and the dog tilted its head. It’s grey eyes all cloudy with something familiar that Regulus couldn’t quite put his finger on.
It was comforting though, whatever it was.
Regulus leaned forward, pressing the side of his face against the dog’s body. Listening to its heart beating. Copying its steady breaths.
“I hate him,” he whispered. “He has this whole new family with the Potters and all I’ve got are the broken pieces of our shattered one.”
The dog whined again, and Regulus sighed, gently running his fingers through its fur.
“I keep trying to put all the pieces back together, but mum and dad don’t want our old family back. They just want me to step into his place. They act like they want to forget Sirius ever existed, but it feels more like they’re forgetting me.”
Playing the part of a charismatic heir didn’t come as naturally to Regulus as it did to his brother. Sirius was everything Regulus wasn’t. He was bright where Regulus was dim. He was loud where Regulus was quiet. Sirius was up on the stage, the centre of every room, the draw of everyone’s focus. Regulus was just the doormat.
A doormat now being shoved in a frame and put on display. Because Regulus was the heir now. He was to take his brothers place and he was to take it perfectly. No more hiding in corners. No more being quiet. No more blending in.
No more being me
Regulus closed his eyes, trying to focus on his breaths.
“It’s probably stupid that I even care but… I just want them to be proud I’m their son…”
“Stand up straight” “Speak up” “Engage” “Step up” “Be a man” “Try harder” “Just listen”
He knew he wasn’t perfect, but he had thought he was doing a somewhat decent job. He had good grades. He dressed in proper clothing. He believed the right things. Compared to Sirius’ behaviour, he was a saint. His parents were always telling Sirius he needed to take a page out of his brother’s book.
But now he was under observation? Now his flaws were under analysis? Well, it was pretty clear Regulus wasn’t doing as well as he’d previously thought.
“I don’t think they ever will be though…”
Regulus bit his lip as a memory he very much wanted to forget, fought its way to the front of his mind. His throat squeezed and he sighed, running his fingers across the dogs back.
“Is Master Regulus not finding his dinner good?” Kreacher asked nervously as Regulus continued to just lazily stir his soup. He’d been hoping that if he waited long enough, someone would eventually come down and eat with him. No one had.
Regulus sighed, dropping the spoon into his bowl and watching it disappear in the mush.
Sirius still wasn’t back. Nearly three days had passed since he ran out, and it was starting to hit Regulus that his brother probably wasn’t returning.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I’m just not very hungry.”
His parents hadn’t said so much as a word to him since it happened either. They spoke in whispers with each other and shouted at Kreacher, but they wouldn’t even look in his direction. He didn’t know quite what to make of that, but it didn’t feel good.
Regulus glanced around the table, at the three untouched bowls with their empty chairs and unused cutlery. Then forced himself to his feet. No one was coming.
“Thank you for cooking, Kreacher. I think I’m going to have an early night.”
“Of course, Master Regulus. Have a good sleep young sir.”
Regulus slipped out of the kitchen like a ghost. He drifted down the hallway, then floated up the stairs. His head was light, and his heart was heavy. His house had never felt less like a home.
When he reached the top of the stairs, he turned to head toward his room, but a muffled voice made him pause.
“I just don’t know what do with him,” came his mothers tired, croaky voice. It sounded like she’d been crying.
“He will learn,” his father said firmly. “We’ll double down on his studies and prepare him for-”
“Orion, the boy barely speaks. He doesn’t have an assertive drop of blood in his body. How are we meant to fix that? At least Sirius had a backbone, he just sits there and parrots what he’s told.”
Regulus swallowed. His heart sinking into his stomach.
“He just needs more discipline. We’ve clearly been too focused on Sirius and let him fall into bad habits. We will make it work; we just need to put in the effort.”
“He’s never going to be Sirius.”
“We’ll get him as close as possible.”
His mother sighed, “He won’t be enough.”
“I knew I shouldn’t have listened,” Regulus breathed, trying to keep the shake out of his voice as the dog whimpered and whined. “I was just tired of all the silence, and when I realised they were talking about me I just… I couldn’t step away and…”
He choked on the last sentence, his throat closing as tears welled up in his eyes. Regulus held the dog a little tighter as they started to fall. It was the closest thing he’d had to a hug in years. He wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry about that.
Merlin, he was a right idiot. He was sitting in the astronomy tower in the dead of night, hugging a random dog and telling it stupid stories about his stupid life.
No wonder mum thinks I’m pathetic…
Regulus let go of the dog and pressed his back against the wall, wiping at his cheeks, trying to rid them of his stupid feelings. He hated tears. His emotions were supposed to be private, and tears made them public. He didn’t even understand why they were here right now. He wasn’t sad. He was… he was angry.
He was angry his mum said those things about him.
He was angry his dad spent the whole summer trying to beat a new personality into him.
He was angry he wasn’t enough to keep Sirius around.
The dog whimpered and twisted around, trying to squeeze its way into Regulus’ arms. He pushed it away.
“I’m fine,” he choked as the dog whined, its high-pitched cry almost as loud as the wind rushing through the tower. “I don’t need pity.”
The dog cried out again as it desperately tried nuzzling its snout into his side, trying to hide bury itself in Regulus’ robes. Regulus pushed it back, forcing it off him.
“I don’t need anyone,” he coughed. The dog whimpered and stared up at Regulus with wide eyes and drooping ears, pawing anxiously at the floor. As if it was the one feeling sad. As if it was the one without a family. As if it was the one nobody wanted.
Regulus brought his legs to his chest and pressed his face into his knees. He curled in on himself tighter, nails digging through his skin. He wasn’t sad! He didn’t care! This was just his stupid, overreacting brain.
The dog whined again and started trying to nose its way back under Regulus’ arms. He shoved it away, but the thing came back, crying and sniffling.
“Leave me alone,” he spat and swatted it away, but the dog dodged his hand and shoved its nose under his elbow. Wedging itself beneath his arm and planting its body against his. Regulus growled. What was its problem? How much clearer could he be?
“I don’t want you,” Regulus muttered and turned to twist out of the dogs way. He failed. The moment he lowered his knees enough to try stand, the dog took it as an opportunity to jump onto his lap.
“Get off!” Regulus shouted, but the dog didn’t seem bothered by any of the malice in his voice. It planted itself on top of him, then continued to whine. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
He tried to push it off, but the stupid thing wouldn’t budge. It just whined louder, whimpering almost as loudly as the wind howling through the tower. Regulus tipped his head back as a new wave of tears threatened to spill out. He tried fighting them but… what was the point? Who was he trying to fool? How was he meant to take on the family title when he couldn’t even get a stupid animal to listen to him?
His mother was right. He was a pushover.
That’s why I have to do this…
Regulus let his eyes flick back open, scanning the stars as tears spilled down his cheeks, connecting the constellations as they dripped down his neck and soaked into his robes.
“I’m taking the dark mark in June.”
The dog stilled and went silent.
“I don’t even…” know if I really want it…
Regulus choked down a breath, biting his lip.
“My cousin already has it,” he continued, struggling to keep the shake out of his voice shaking. “She says that he’s brilliant and… powerful and…”
Regulus swallowed nervously, desperately trying to keep his expression neutral as he stared down at the black mark on his cousin’s arm. It was stretching and warping like a real snake was slithering beneath her skin. Just watching it squirm was making his own arms.
“Does it… hurt?” he asked, barely above a whisper.
He looked up to find Bella grinning wildly.
“The burn is an honour, Regulus. It means he wants your presence.”
Regulus nodded, dropping his gaze back down, to his own arm this time. He pictured the dark mark there. Embedded in his flesh. Writhing around in his skin. He supressed a shudder and tensing his hands to prevent them from shaking. Was he crazy for actually considering this?
“The Dark Lord has power beyond imagination,” Bella beamed. “I have seen it, Regulus. He cannot lose. We cannot lose.”
He sucked down a shaky breath. Letting her words run through his head over and over again. Bella was one of the smartest and most talented witches Regulus knew, and she was putting her all her faith in the Dark Lord. If she said he was going to win, Regulus was inclined to believe her.
“Your parents are going to be so proud of you.”
Regulus could feel his heart racing. He could feel his hands shaking. There was no going back if he agreed to this.
“This will set you apart from that traitor. Aunt and Uncle will reward you for showing initiative.”
Initiative. That was one of the things his mother said he lacked. One his worst of many flaws.
He raised his head, meeting Bella’s eyes. They were bright and swirling with pride. He imagined seeing that look on his mother’s face. On his fathers. Hearing them praise him rather than scold him. This wouldn’t just be meeting their expectations… this could exceed them…
“The stunt that boy pulled has just made them worried. This will prove your loyalty, Regulus. They’ll never doubt you again. They’ll love you.”
It was everything Regulus wanted.
Regulus drew a deep breath, thinking of all the missing people. All the faces in the paper and names on the radio. Could he really do this? What if they asked him to curse people? To torture them? To kill them? His stomach churned at the thought of casting those kinds of spells. The ones he’d watched his mother cast on Sirius. The ones he’d felt cast on himself.
He didn’t want to do that… but Bella had assured him he wouldn’t get forced into things he didn’t want to do. She said he’d get to choose how he wanted to contribute. That he could help brew potions and stay away from the action until he was ready.
Regulus glanced back down at her marked arm, then his pale one. He pictured his parents’ reactions to seeing the mark on their son. On him. They’d be so pleased. He tried to ignore the nagging voice in the back of his head saying he wouldn’t be happy.
“She said that… that joining would help me prove myself to mum and dad… but…” I’m scared that I’m making a mistake…
That was probably why he’d been putting off telling his parents. He would need to say it proudly, with passion and conviction. If they sensed for a second he was having doubts, it would all be for nothing. His parents were well aware of his tendency to do things to make them happy. This couldn’t be one of those things.
Maybe that’s why he said it to the dog. As a practice.
Some practice, he thought as he fought for breath.
It was at that moment, as he struggled to get his chest to accept air. As his head started spinning through what ifs, that he finally spared a glance down at the dog who’d gone deathly silent. He’d assumed it had fallen asleep or something.
He’d assumed wrong.
The dog was pointedly not asleep. Far from it.
Its eyes were shot, and the fur down its back was stood up. The moment it seemed to register that Regulus was looking its way, a deep growl, rumbled out of the it’s chest. Which turned into a whine, then back to a growl, then into a whimper. Like it couldn’t decide if it was angry or sad.
A cold shiver ran down Regulus’ spine.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Regulus was suddenly hyper aware of the fact he knew nothing about this dog.
What happened? What had he done? Was it his tone? Could it somehow be picking up on his feelings? Would it attack? It wasn’t as if it could be reacting to his words. Even Kneazles weren’t that intelligent, and he was pretty certain that dog versions of Kneazles didn’t exist.
Should he grab his wand?
He tried to shift his hand toward it, but before he could get anywhere near it, the dog barked. Barked.
Regulus jumped back. Freezing in place as the dog bared its teeth at him. Eyes fixed on his.
Fuck. Oh fuck.
His chest heaved , rising and falling like he’d just run up a dozen flights of stairs. He bit his lip, swallowing as more tears started running down his face.
Perfect. He’d made it angry. Merlin, what was wrong with him? Why did he make every living thing hate him just by existing? What was it about him that made him so horrid? Why was he so broken?
It was probably going to bite him now. Chew off his arm and leave him here to bleed out
Maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing…
It wasn’t the first time he’d had that thought. He often wondered how much sleeping draught it would take to make him sleep forever.
“Grow a spine, Regulus,” his mother snapped.
“Speak up like a man or stay silent like a child,” his father spat.
“You’re nothing but their stupid little puppet,” Sirius yelled.
Regulus probably could have kept it in longer. He just didn’t care enough to try anymore. It was just too much.
The mark. His parents. His brother. This stupid dog. His stupid feelings. His life.
The dam broke and Regulus started to cry. Properly this time. Not just silent weeping, actual sobs clawing their way out of his throat.
He’d held out hope, as had his parents, that Sirius would change his mind. That his rebellion was a phase he’d grow out of. That he’d wake up one day and realise he wanted his title. No one wanted to go with plan b, but here they were, putting a dress on a pig. A miserable, crying pig wrapped up in an ugly, frilly dress.
“I c-can’t… I-I ca…”I can’t keep doing this. “I’m s-so…” I’m so tired. “I-I h-hate…” I hate myself.
That was the truth, wasn’t it? That was the crux of the issue. It wasn’t Sirius or his mum or his dad. It wasn’t Bella or the Dark Lord. It was him. He’s the source of his problems.
He’s too timid. He’s too weird. He’s annoying and reclusive. He has no friends. He has no brother. The only people that want him around are people hoping to reap the benefits of his name. His parents just wanted him to continue the bloodline and probably hoped he would die before passing on his personality.
Regulus never registered the dog jumping off him. Didn’t notice when he slumped to the floor. The wind was loud, but he didn’t hear it. The air was cold, but he didn’t feel it. He just laid there and sobbed. The way he did as a child before his parent beat the habit out of him.
“It’s alright, Reg,” Sirius whispered, holding him as their parents argued downstairs. “I’ve got you. I’ll always be here.”
Reliving those memories didn’t help.
He didn’t know how long it had been by the time he finally noticed the dog whimpering. When he realised it hadn’t run off or attacked him. That it was curled up in front of him. Staring.
“Why are you still here?” Regulus muttered, his voice hoarse.
The dog made another whining sound and edged a bit closer, cautiously nudging his hand with its nose. It was… nice. It probably shouldn’t have been as comforting as it was, but it was. Something about its eyes, the grey eyes, were familiar enough to make him feel safe.
It was stupid.
“What do you want?”
The dog came shuffled closer, and Regulus let it. He let his hand drift down his neck and then over its back.
It made cried more, nuzzling up to his chest, again. It was like a hug, again.
Regulus closed his eyes and let his fingers trace patterns through the dogs fur.
He could have pushed it away. He could have told it to leave him alone. But he didn’t. He told himself it was because the dog hadn’t listened the last time. It wasn’t, but that was easier than admitting he needed the comfort.
Admitting he needed help was the last thing Regulus would ever do.