Chapter 2
Sirius
He paid more attention after that night.
From a distance, Sirius observed through a veil of confusion and grief, his little brother around Hogwarts. In the library. Down by the lake. In the great hall. On the quidditch pitch.
On the map.
He’d always done that last one. Keeping an eye on Regulus’ name as it moved through the castle, but this was the first time he looked for it. Solemnly swearing he was up to no good, only to search the page for his brother. To see what he was doing. Who he was with. Where he was.
Sirius hadn’t told anyone about that night. Not Peter. Not James. Not Remus. It had been nearly a week, and he was holding that memory close to his heart. Wishing it wasn’t real, hating that it clearly was. For the things he’d observed in the last week, painted a darker picture than Sirius had ever imagined before.
Regulus barely ate. He skipped lunch almost every day and at the meals he did attend, he just picked at his food until other people started leaving. Leaving his plate almost completely untouched. Sirius sometimes did that too …
When I’m stressed…
Regulus barely spoke. He’d always been on the quieter side, but it was like he’d taken a silencing draught. Not once had he seen his brother say a word aside from a polite hello to Professor Slughorn on Thursday. He never joined in conversations with his housemates or in corridors with friends…
And speaking of friends…
Regulus didn’t seem to have any of those. His brother was almost always alone, walking with his head down and arms tightly wrapped around his books. On the map. At meals. In glass. Around the castle. He was alone almost every time Sirius saw him. Occasionally he walked beside a group, but he was always on the edge and never acknowledged.
Like his presence means nothing…
It was not wonder Regulus never smiled. His face always stoney and as grey as his eyes. Dark shadows cast across his features, and his lips locked in a downward bend. Regulus the kind of smile that lit up his whole face. An infectious sweet grin that left him with a blush and shining eyes. He’d had always been smiling as a child. When had that stopped?
When did I stop looking?
As James continued rambling on about Lily, Sirius kept his eyes on the corridor window, peaking out into the sunny courtyard, watching his brother. Regulus was alone, again. Sitting silently with his nose in a book, leaning against a tree on a shady patch of grass. Knees pulled to his chest and curled up in a little ball.
Like he’s trying not to take up space…
His face was plain and drained of all emotion. Nothing happy. Nothing sad. Just an empty face void of feeling, as if numb to the world around him. He was breaking Sirius’ heart, or at least he would have been. If Sirius had any heart left to break.
“I’m taking the dark mark in June…”
Even now, the echo of his brother’s confession sent a shiver down his spine. A cold, painful shake that felt about as pleasant as the curses his mother liked using for punishment.
The curses Regulus said he endured all summer…
He hadn’t wanted to believe it. He had been angry and afraid and shocked all at once. His baby brother was taking the dark mark. His little Reggie was going to be a… a death eater…
Sirius shivered as the image of Regulus staring down at his book and reading morphed into him staring down the barrel of his wand and cursing muggles. Torturing them. Making them beg for mercy as they writhed in pain before finally green light overcame them.
He imagined the inky mark twisting beneath his brother’s skin. He pictured it on the small, innocent child he still considered Regulus to be. The sweet little boy who loved hugs and painting pictures. The kids who-
“Sirius? Are you alright?”
Sirius shook his head. Shit. He’d been getting stuck in his head like that all week. He flicked his attention back to his circle of friends. Except… it wasn’t a circle anymore. Just Remus. Where had the other two gone? When had they left?
His confusion must have shown on his face because Remus rolled his eyes and very gently brushed his fingers past Sirius’ with a soft smile. It was the closest they could get to holding hands out here…
“You weren’t paying attention to anything we were discussing, were you.”
It wasn’t a curious question, or even an annoyed accusation. Remus was concerned. Sirius bit his lip.
“Sorry,” he mumbled quietly, dropping his gaze to his feet as heat spread across his cheeks. He wasn’t trying to ignore everyone; he was just struggling to focus on anything but Regulus right now. “What are we doing?”
“Well, we’re supposed to be heading to lunch but considering you’ve just uttered an apology, I’m tempted to take you to Poppy.”
Sirius swallowed as he traced cracks in the pavement with his eyes, shrinking under Remus’ gaze.
“I’m just tired…” he murmured, wishing he could disappear into his robes. Sometimes he hated how well Remus could read him.
Remus sighed and subtly tugged on the end of his sleeve. Sirius peaked up at him and attempted a reassuring smile. It didn’t work. Remus’ face just grew more worried. His brows furrowing and lips pursing.
“You’ve been tired all week.”
Sirius just shrugged, dropping his face back down at the ground. The mental picture of Regulus casting horrible spells still vivid. Alongside the memory of him breaking down in tears and hugging Padfoot like his life depended on it.
“Mum was saying really nasty things about me… that I’m not good enough and I never will be…”
“Dad didn’t defend me… sometimes I think they hate me more than they hate Sirius…”
“Sirius has a whole new family with the Potters, and all I have is the broken pieces of our shattered one.”
He just… didn’t know what to make of everything Regulus had said. His brother was the golden child. The true embodiment of a Black heir. He did as he was told. He believed in the blood purity shit. He never spoke out of turn. He never stepped out of line. The perfect son.
Or at least… that’s what Sirius had always thought…
“I’m worried about you,” Remus whispered, low enough for the students walking around them not to hear.
Sirius ignored the way his stomach flipped. The way his arms itched to reach out and pull Remus into hug. He hated making Remus worry. Remus had enough things to worry about. Real things. He didn’t need Sirius’ silly family issues on top.
And yet, he couldn’t bring himself to make the selfless decision and tell Remus to forget it. He couldn’t walk away and put it behind him.
“I just…” he started, looking up to sneak another quick glance at Regulus. He was still reading. Still silent. Still unmoved. “I think I’m gonna stay out here for a bit…”
“Do you want me to wait with you?”
Sirius shook his head, watching over Remus’ shoulder as the courtyard emptied. Students packing up their things and leaving for the great hall. Regulus not taking part in the move. Still seated on the ground. Still alone.
“I think I just need to be alone for a while…”
Remus’ frown deepened and he gave Sirius’ fingers another gentle sweep with his own.
“You’ll still come eat something, yeh?” he asked.
Sirius hummed affirmatively. Keeping Remus in his peripheral vision as his eyes remained on his brother. “I just need a few minutes. Then I’ll come join you.”
“Okay…” he said cautiously, his worries clearly not put to rest. “I’ll put aside one of those sandwiches you like before they’re all gone?”
Sirius nodded but couldn’t manage a word or smile at the kind gesture. He was too distracted.
Remus was still for a few moments. Perhaps waiting for a more solid response. When he didn’t get it, he sighed again, before softly nudging past Sirius.
“I’ll see you soon,” he muttered, allowing their hands to touch one last time, the moment obscured by the flow of their robes. He gave Sirius’ hand a light squeeze. Sirius squeezed back. Then it was over. The warmth disappeared, and Remus’ footsteps echoed away.
All while Sirius observed his brother. All while his brother remained still. All while the students around Sirius continued escaping the corridor. The thunder of footsteps and murmur of chatter getting lower and lower and lower. Until there was but odd thuds and whispers.
Regulus of course, still hadn’t moved. He was still beneath the tree. Still hiding behind his book. Lost in the world of words. Thats what it looked like to Sirius anyway.
It wasn’t unusual for Regulus to read for hours on end. The moment he’d figured out his ABCs, he’d started flipping through his picture books. Graduating to chapter books not long after. He’d been a mellow kid from day one, but this was… this was too much…
Even for him…
Sirius needed to help.
And with that, he started walking. Putting one foot in front of the other down the hallway. Into the sunlight and onto the pavement, marching toward the tree. The courtyard was all but abandoned now, Sirius’ thumping shoes cutting through the silence like bolts of thunder.
Regulus didn’t look up to see what was the causing the racket.
Forty meters. Twenty meters. Ten meters. Five meters. Two…
“Reg?”
This time, Regulus did look up. His face twisted in frustration like he was about to curse the poor soul who dared interrupt his story. But when Sirius met his gaze, the frustration shifted to something Sirius had never seen before. Something between relief and grief.
His jaw dropped slightly, and he blinked rapidly. Dropping his book in his lap like his muscles had stopped working.
Then it was gone.
He snapped his teeth shut and sneered. Balling his hands into fists as he glared at Sirius like he wanted him dead.
“Leave,” he growled before Sirius could say anything else. “Don’t you dare speak at me.”
Sirius swallowed. Flashing back to this very same boy, urging Padfoot to leave before breaking down in a pile of sorrow. Insisting he was fine when he wasn’t. Fuck. Sirius hadn’t thought this through at all.
“I-I wanted to… to talk to you.”
There was a moment when Sirius could have sworn, he saw Regulus relax. When he saw the corners of his lips turn upward and the dull grey in his eyes sparkle like silver. But that moment passed before Sirius could even capture the picture in his memory.
“We can’t talk,” Regulus spat, his eyes narrowing.
Sirius raised an eyebrow.
“Can’t or don’t want to?”
Regulus glared but said nothing as little pink spots bloomed on his cheeks. His eyes twitching and a faint shimmer threatening to show. He averted his gaze before it did though, looking down to his side and hugging his arms around his knees.
“Go bother your new brother…” he muttered, and Sirius’ stomach dropped.
“He has this whole new family with the Potters and all I’ve got are the broken pieces of our shattered one.”
Suddenly, Sirius felt like the ground was splitting and Regulus was on the other side of a deep chasm. He had to build a bridge. He had to get over there. That wasn’t right. Regulus was still his brother. They were still brothers. That had never changed. Or at least… they were back to being brothers now. Now he knew how much his baby brother is hurting.
“Reg… that isn’t… he didn’t replace you… you’re both my-”
“I don’t care…” Regulus snapped, but it was soft and hollow. Lacking any sort of sharpness or bite. Just like the very few times Sirius remembered Regulus trying to stand up to Walburga and Orion. Just like the other night in the tower…
Sirius’ heart lurched.
”I hate him…”
“I missed having him there…”
“I don’t need anyone…”
Regulus didn’t know he’d heard any of that. To him…
I’m still just the cruel brother that called him a puppet and left him to get tortured…
A thousand thoughts rushed through Sirius’ head all at once. A thousand ideas and a thousand choices. So, he made one.
“Run away,” the words fell out of his mouth before he had a chance to consider them properly. “Leave and come stay with me.”
Regulus froze. Sirius did too. The light autumn breeze rustled the tree leaves above them. Regulus twisted to stare at Sirius. Sirius stared back. The midday sun beat down over the courtyard. Regulus’ jaw tightened and his eyes were glossy but narrowed. Sirius held his breath.
“What…?”
Sirius swallowed.
“I um… well I just…” Merlin, Sirius spit it out. Sirius rubbed his hands on the backs of his legs and took a deep breath. “I said that… you should get out that house and… and come live with me… leave it all behind.”
For a second, Regulus seemed to consider it. His eyes widened with surprise. His mouth forming a small ‘O’ as he sat himself up straight. That second ended fast.
“No,” he growled, far firmer than Sirius had ever heard Regulus speak in his life. It also wasn’t the answer Sirius had been expecting. He baulked.
“No?”
Regulus swallowed, his fury flickering back to contemplation, maybe even hope, before it was slammed away by rage.
“No.”
“But…” Sirius started. Confused because… Regulus was unhappy at that house. He knew that now. Walburga and Orion were treating him… well… he didn’t know exactly how they were treating him. But for him to break down in tears in the astronomy tower… it couldn’t be good. “Why not?”
Once again. There was a flicker of something across his brother’s face. Something between sad and sorry. Something that looked hopeful and regretful at the same time.
“Because…” Regulus growled. Frowning so hard his face looked ready to split in two. Blinking away back the misty drops forming in the corners of his eyes. It was like he was at odds with himself. Fighting to show one thing as he felt another.
Maybe that means he does want to come? Maybe he’s just scared?
“Because why?”
Regulus clenched his teeth and shook his head. Snapping his eyes shut and turning his head to the side. His shoulders trembled just enough for Sirius to notice.
“Because…” his voice was tight. An edge to it that Sirius knew was him about to cry. This is what happened when he got into confrontations. This was why Sirius stood up for him so much. He sucked down a long shaky breath. “I don’t expect a filthy, mudblood loving blood traitor like you to understand.”
Sirius blinked. The breath knocked out of him. His insides twisting. His head spinning. Regulus had never… never said something like that to him… he’d said the words plenty of times… just as Walburga and Orion wanted… but… but not to him… never to him…
“I’m taking the dark mark in June…”
“Don’t say that…” Sirius breathed. “You’re not… you’re not like that…”
“He’s brilliant and powerful and…”
Regulus kept looking away. His eyes shut as little shiny lines fell down his cheeks.
“I just want them to be proud I’m their son…”
Sirius shook his head, crouching to his knees and reaching out to place a hand on his little brother’s shoulder.
“I just want to help you…” he sighed. Screaming internally. Hoping, wishing, begging for Regulus to take the chance he was offering.
But Regulus just shook his head. Then shook his shoulder until Sirius’ hand fell off it.
“I don’t need a blood traitors help…”
Perhaps in another life. Another world. Another version of history, Sirius could have read between the lines. Looked past his own perspective and seen how trapped Regulus was. How little control he had left in his life, and how much pressure was on his shoulders.
Perhaps he could have matched all that he’d observed in the week to piece together the puzzle. That Regulus had no one to lean on for support, except his parents. That Regulus was doing everything he could to get those scraps of love he so desperately needed. That he was trapped in a hole with no ladder, and all he could do was dig deeper in hopes of finding something useful.
Perhaps if Regulus hadn’t pushed the exact buttons he knew would hurt Sirius. Perhaps if Regulus had actually said all the doubts he was having out loud. Perhaps if Sirius could have been a little more patient. Maybe they both could have used this chance. Sirius could have taken Regulus by the hand, and led him through the dark, toward the light.
Sirius snatched his hand back, his mind jumping into defence mode. The reflex after being threatened and cursed at home for all those years, kicking in. He stood up and balled his hands into fists glaring down at his- no. Not brother. Glaring down at Regulus through the red haze settling over his sight.
“So, you’re really one of them?” he barked, his knuckles turning white and nails digging painfully into his palms. “You’re just another one of those psychos?”
Please say no. Please deny it. Please come back to me.
Regulus snapped his head back to Sirius, his eyes bloodshot and glistening cheeks red from tears. Anger cut into his features.
“Don’t call them that,” he murmured, even now with his rage, not able to shout. Or maybe it’s just a passive aggressive trick. Sirius didn’t know anymore. “Mum and dad care about us. You’re the one who started all the problems. You left us, not the other way around.”
“I left,” Sirius snarled. His hand hovering over the pocket his wand was stashed in. “Because Walburga and Orion were going to killme if I stayed. Killme because I refuse to believe any of that blood purity bullshit!”
Regulus shook his head, shrinking back into the tree like it would protect him from the argument.
“Mum and dad loved you… You were the one that threw us all away when you met those mudbloods and blood traitors in Gryffindor you call-”
Sirius shoved his hand into his cloak, wrapping his fingers around the wand inside and yanking it out at lightening speed. Aiming it straight down at Regulus.
“Don’t you dare insult my real family.”
Regulus swallowed, staring at the wand as a couple more tears made their way down his face. Heartbreak? Flashing across his face. No. It must have been anger. Angry tears. Regulus was a Black. They carved their hearts out and left them to rot.
“Or what?” Regulus trembled. His breaths getting shallow. Eyes fixed on the wand tip. “You’ll curse me? Just like mum and dad would if they were mad?”
Sirius bit his lip. Heart pounding in his chest. Because he had one. He hadn’t cut his out. He wasn’t… he wasn’t one of them… he…
“You… you might have deluded yourself into thinking you’re nothing like them, but… but you’re everything mum and dad raised you to be.”
No, I’m not… No, I’m not… No, I’m not…
Sirius’ hand shook and he dropped his wand as Regulus held his book to his chest and climbed to his feet. Because he’s not like them… he’s nothing like them… he doesn’t… he would never… he isn’t…
“Never talk to me again…” Regulus whispered as he turned around and fled.
“I wish I could talk to you…” Regulus mumbled as he hugged Sirius. He wasn’t allowed to come to the platform today. Their parents had decided keeping Regulus under threat was good motivation for Sirius to behave.
“I’ll write every day. I promise.”
“It’s not the same…”
“This one,” Regulus grinned, handing Sirius the story book as he climbed up onto the bed.
“I love that one,” Sirius exclaimed. He didn’t. But Regulus did and he wanted Regulus to be happy after today. He didn’t deserve that punishment. “Do you want to try reading tonight?”
Regulus shook his head as he crawled up next to Sirius and laid right beside him. “I like listening to you read.”
“Woosh…” Sirius swooped the little dragon toy over his baby brother’s head, like it was really flying. Regulus giggled and squealed as Sirius made it tap his nose, his tiny hands clumsily trying to reach for the dragon every time it got close.
“Weglus look out,” Sirius laughed as he dove the toy down into Regulus tummy, making his brother giggle even more as it tickled him.
“Ba-ba-ba,” Regulus babbled as he made a grab the dragon. His little arms flailing through the air. He made contact with it, and Sirius let go. Regulus happily squealing nonsense as he shook the toy around in his hand.
Sirius smiled. His brother said such silly things.
Sirius watched as Regulus’ figure shrunk into the distance. His form disappearing into the castle as Sirius stood completely still, letting him go... The boy in his memories was gone...