Peter
Once they had all relaxed from the complete and absolute failure that was Sirius’s attempt to get a date with Sniv they had to decide who would go next.
Sirius though was still lamenting his failure,
“Maybe he doesn’t like blokes” he mumbled absentmindedly. Remus let out a laugh at that,
”Yeah because he can’t possibly be gay if he’s not attracted to you. How self absorbed can you be?”
”So vain” James added as Remus’s melodramatic echo.
”No I don’t mean like that.” Sirius protested, “I just mean, what if he’s not into… blokey blokes”
James snorted, “And that’s you? Mr 12 different hair products per shower?”
”Shut up don’t act like you don’t steal half of them” Sirius retorted narrowing his eyes as James looked away, ruffling his hair awkwardly since he couldn’t really deny that.
After a short amount of contemplation Sirius decided confidently,
”alright but maybe my particular brand of animalistic magnetism is too much for Sniv to handle” They all began trying desperately to suppress laughs at that. “Hm… Wormtail should go next!”
”ME?!” Peter yelped as if his foot had been trodden on.
”Yeah! Your vibe is really different to mine, might be what Sniv’s into you never know” they all felt about ready to vomit at the thought of Peter being what Snivellus was into. Peter though was looking horrified for a different reason,
”What makes you think he’d like me more?” He asked anxiously. Sirius shrugged,
”I dunno, maybe he’s more of a cat person than a dog person. He does act kind of like a cat actually”
”I’m a rat.” Peter felt it important to remind him.
”Well cats do like eating rats~”
”Ewwwww! Please never say that again!” James exclaimed, rubbing his eyes as if trying to get the mental image of Snape “eating” Peter out of his head. Sirius cackled at James’s disgusted suffering.
”Doesn’t Lily have a cat? What if he feeds me to it?!” Peter asked, seeming now doubly horrified.
”Well you’re not going to ask him as Wormtail are you?” Remus asked.
”No, okay but what should I say?”
Sirius placed a reassuring hand on Peter’s shoulder, “Just be your usual charming self” and after a moment “emphasis on the charming.”
”Wow. Thanks.” With a deep breath Peter abruptly stood from the table and began marching away with his chest puffed out, as if that breath he’d taken at the table would be his last.
silence…
”…he’s dead meat” James finally concluded. The other two nodded in agreement murmuring prayers for Wormtail’s life.
Peter returned far faster than expected. His hands were tucked into his pockets as if he were containing dangerous creatures with minds of their own. His face was stained a blotchy red that spread to his ears and halfway down his neck but the newest addition to his appearance was the black eye that the boy was developing.
”… oh Merlin what happened to you?” Sirius asked after a moment, both incredibly curious as to what the story was and fighting off the desire to go and hex Snape right then and there because that black eye looked bad and there was no way anyone else gave it to Peter.
”I- uhhh” words seemed to escape the boy as his face grew redder and redder.
”Did you… talk to Snape?” Remus asked gently.
”I was going to but I uh-“ Peter hid his face in his hands as he continued, “I tripped and eaur” he was making mainly strange sounds instead of words now which was making him difficult to understand.
”And what?” James provided,
”I made him spill his drink on him and I euahhh!” Peter looked positively mortified, “I accidentally touched his uhh you know” he gestured vaguely to his thighs and.. (ahem) hip… area.
There was a moment of silence before Sirius burst out laughing uncontrollably,
“OH THATS BRILLIANT!” He turned to James, “YOU’VE SPENT YEARS PINING AFTER EVANS AND WORMY GETS TO SECOND BASE WITH SNIV OF ALL PEOPLE IN SECONDS! PETER YOU SHOULD GIVE JAMES HERE SOME TIPS, MERLIN KNOWS HE NEEDS THEM”
James and Peter both flushed indignantly. Remus glared at Sirius before slapping his arm,
”Lower your voice man! We’re in public for Merlin’s sake!”
James was still processing what Sirius had said to him as Peter quietly yelled at Sirius how he didn’t mean to touch Severus like that at all.
The situation somehow became more comedic when they discovered that in fact the black eye had been from Lily, who had been speaking with Sniv at the time and had apparently gone into complete overprotective mode.
Remus got up and walked away from the absolute lunacy of the situation, declaring that they could find him in their room later as Sirius was still cruelly applauding Peter and James was stuck in a state of shock.
That was when it dawned on James that if Remus was leaving now, James would have to go next. He sighed flopping down on the table in despair at the thought.