Chapter 25
Barty wanted to break something.
Himself preferably.
He didn’t get why, but he always managed to fuck shit up with everyone around himself. He wanted Evan back. He wanted Regulus to be happy again. He wanted to know what he did wrong.
He stormed out of Evan’s house with his headphones on as if he could drown out everything and everyone around him. He turned the volume up and up until he could barely hear Troye Sivan’s ‘one of your girls’ from how loud the music was.
On his way out, he bumped into Evan, whose mouth moved, but Barty didn’t hear him. Evan smelled really good. Barty could get used to smelling his perfume so up close.
But he won’t. Because Evan is mad at him and he’s fucking everything up.
He hit his head with his hand before groaning at the pain he caused himself.
He sighed again, switched his playlist to something more relatable at the moment and put the volume down. Blasting out his eardrums would only sour his life anyways. Because what if Evan would be at a distance for the rest of Barty’s life? If his ears were still intact, he at least could still hear Evan’s bubbly laugh and quick remarks.
‘Teenage dream’ from Olivia Rodrigo started playing the moment he entered the beach and pulled off his shoes. He winced at the song and realised this was probably Regulus’ stargazing playlist he always put up when Evan and him were alone and they wanted to have music in the background.
The last time Barty had heard this song was with Evan’s head on his chest. They had snuck out to the roof of the school while Regulus was somewhere off with James. Evan had brought two blankets, one for himself and one for Barty, but Barty had given his own blanket for them to sit upon.
So they had huddled together underneath Evan’s blanket. But Evan was still shivering, so Barty offered his chest to lay upon because it was warm. Evan had blushed when Barty offered it. He didn’t get it then, but he got it now.
If he just wasn’t so stupid, they would’ve been happily together by now. They could’ve kissed on the roof and Evan wouldn’t be mad at him. Regulus would’ve been able to figure shit out with James without having ‘Evan the ex’ or ‘Barty the benefit’ in between.
But that never happened, huh?
Easy stuff.
Easy was something only reserved for movies. For people who were reading stuff off of a script written by them for people that pull the strings of their life.
If Barty had wanted an easy life, he should’ve listened to his father. But he never does, so he makes his own life hard.
He is the best in his class, but he’s not enough for his father. He is the exact replica of his father’s looks, but his father thinks he’s ugly. He is the best in the debate group his father wanted him to join, but a future in politics ‘wasn’t cut out’ for him, according to the aforementioned asshole.
Barty hated him.
But Barty wished he was enough for him with every breath he took.
His feet were getting wet from the water that was now pooling around his legs, painting his light wash jeans darker with every second. ‘Daylight’ started playing from David Kushner.
‘Listen to me tesoro. One day, you’ll find love. It won’t be someone your father approves of, but they will be the one you love regardless.’
‘Father won’t approve? Why? Because he approves of no one?’
A small chuckle. ‘That’s right my little Bee. But I will always approve. Just be yourself, be patient, put in the work. They’ll love you if you deserve it.’
But he didn’t deserve it, huh?
He never deserved the love he was given. By his mother, by his friends, by Evan.
He ruined his own life and now he was acting like it wasn’t his own fault.
‘I’m sorry. Next time I’ll tell you stuff about James. Like how he kissed me a few days ago, thinking I was you and not pulling back the moment he realised it was me, but lingering for a little too long?’
‘You… What?’
‘I’m so sorry Ev, but I just… You were having such a bad day already, and it was your birthday and, and-’ ‘Wait, what? I missed your birthday?’
‘No, you didn’t miss it actually. You kind of ruined it.’
Telling myself I won’t go there
Oh, but I know that I won’t care.
Barty shook his head to stop his eyes from forming tears, but it didn’t work.
Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time
You and I drink the poison from the same vine
Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time
Hiding all of our sins from the daylight.
It felt weird to cry. Barty never really cried. Sometimes he shed a tear or two, but never full out bawling like he currently was.
‘We’re not doing this again, are we?’
‘No, no we’re not. We can’t really.’
‘No. Why can’t we again?’
‘Because… Because…’
‘That is not a reason.’
‘I guess then there isn’t a reason.’
Telling myself it’s the last time
Can you spare any mercy that you might find
If I’m down on my knees again.
Barty sat down in the sand, slowly buried his legs in it to keep his hands busy, because he didn’t know what else to do anymore.
Deep down, way down, Lord, I try
Try to follow your light, but it’s nighttime
Please don’t leave me in the end.
Silence followed Barty’s messy mind. The songs that followed were tuned out by his brain. He shortly had a thought that he must be lucky to be a man, because now that he was crying, his memories were leaving him alone. How hard a woman's life must be if she can focus on so many things all at once.
‘You’re acting like me, Bee.’
Barty sat up straight, like he was electrocuted and the blaze was hitting his spine, and slowly making his way back up.
He turned to face the boy, all teary eyes and sad music still playing in his ears. Evan was on his knees in front of Barty in a second, hugging him tightly and making Barty realise how cold he had been before Evan could engulf him in his warmth.
Evan. Warmth. Must be love, right?
‘You’re shivering. Why didn’t you come home? You could’ve been frozen to death here. Or drowned. Or kidnapped. Or… Well I don’t know, but still!’ Evan fussed, only half letting go of Barty so he could give Barty’s face a good look over.
‘Weren’t,’ hiccup. ‘You with,’ another hiccup. ‘Regulus?’ Barty asked, trying to even out his breathing. ‘I was, but he’s in good hands now,’ Evan said, smiling, and then wincing like it hurt him.
Barty frowned at him. ‘Are you hurt? What’s wrong?’ Barty asked, but Evan shrugged. ‘Just hit my jaw, but I’m fine,’ he muttered dismissively, while Barty shuffled closer to take a look at his jaw. ‘How do you even hit your jaw? You slipped or something?’ Barty asked, but then he found a round-like imprint on Evan’s jaw that would perfectly fit a fist. It was a little large to be Barty’s, so it definitely couldn’t have been Regulus’. Dorcas doesn’t normally hit, and Marlene wore enough rings to at least leave a little dent if she hit hard enough.
‘Who did this?’
‘What? Barty I’m fine, I-’ ‘No. Who did this? Who hit you?’ His narrowed eyes met Evan’s. ‘I’ll give them a piece of my mind. Right now. Tell me who it was.’ Barty demanded, but Evan just sighed. ‘I deserved it, Barty. I was provoking him,’ Evan muttered. Him. So it was a dude. But who?
‘Provoking him about what?’ Barty asked, but Evan shook his head. ‘Enough, Barty. I don’t want to talk about it. I’m fine. Let’s focus on you right now, seeing as you’re obviously not.’
Such a bold statement for someone who just said Barty was acting like him.
‘But I do want to talk about it. It’s going to bruise, Ev. What happened?’ Barty asked again, but Evan rolled his eyes and groaned. ‘I said I don’t want to talk about it! Fuck do you not understand about that?’ Evan snapped. Barty’s eyes widened from the sudden outburst, but he recovered quickly.
‘Sorry. Shouldn’t have yelled at you. It’s just,’ he heaved a deep sigh. ‘Remus hits really hard, okay?’ Evan muttered, which made Barty chuckle before he realised what Evan just said. ‘Wait, Remus punched you? How did you even provoke Remus? Remus?’
Evan heaved another sigh. ‘I’ll tell you later. Now back to you,’ Evan said, switching the topic again. Barty sighed deeply, but nodded.
‘I’m just at the end of my energy, I think. I’m ruining everything.’ It was such a statement for Barty to say out loud. It hurts now that he said it. Now it must be true, because he said it.
‘What? No! Barty, of course you’re not ruining everything. You’re just a boy, okay? You’re allowed to make mistakes. Even though it really fucking sucks what we’re going through, you’re not the only one to blame. If you were, I wouldn’t be here for you,’ Evan said. He said it like he was so sure of it. It was Evan’s truth, after all.
‘I’m so sorry, Evan. I should’ve just realised it earlier. I should’ve just got my head out of my ass and realised you had a crush on me. I should’ve known that I reciprocate the feelings. But instead I’m only giving you pain and suffering,’ Barty rambled. He was stopped by Evan who gently put a hand on his cheek, silencing him.
‘You and I both know that it was more than a crush, okay? And no, you didn’t reciprocate the feelings. You needed to figure it out. You had to have something with Regulus before you could ever let him go. The pain and suffering could be worse, honestly. I’ll be okay.’ Evan smiled at Barty. Barty smiled too.
He looked at Evan and his beautiful eyes. Golden in the dark, starry night. Evan’s soft smile was warming him up from the inside out. Without realising it, he closed in on Evan. Their eye contact seemed to be electrifying Barty. He got closer, closer, closer. His eyes fell on Evan’s mouth and he closed them. Right before his lips were about to meet Evan’s, they met a warm finger.
‘No, Barty. I won’t kiss you now, just so you can go home and have sex with Regulus. It’s one or the other,’ Evan said, softly but firmly. ‘But with Regulus it’s just sex. It’s nothing, I swear. He said we’re stopping anyways, so-’ ‘And how many times have you said that after you’ve had sex, Barty?’ Evan asked, which made Barty frown.
‘How do you know about that?’ Barty asked, but Evan shrugged. ‘It’s obvious. I know you guys better than I know my family. And you guys are really bad at hiding things.’
Barty huffed a laugh. That was true.
‘I’m sorry, Ev. I really am.’
‘I know you are. It’s okay, just figure it out before you try to kiss me, yeah?’
Barty nodded and gave Evan a hug. Partly because he wanted to hug Evan and partly because he was still freezing and Evan was warm.
‘Let’s just get you home, okay?’ Evan muttered softly, to which Barty nodded.
On the way back home they shared music with Evan’s airpods. Evan was swaying on his feet a little bit, but Barty didn’t know if he noticed it. ‘Sign of the times’ from Harry Styles was the next song queued in Barty’s playlist, and he felt it was fitting for this occasion.
You can’t bribe the door on your way to the sky
You look pretty good down here
But you ain’t really good.
It reminded him of Evan, and how long Evan had kept so many of his feelings a secret, just so he and Regulus wouldn’t find out he was actually not doing okay.
We never learn, we’ve been here before
Why are we always stuck and running from
Your bullets?
A bullet.
Barty’s bullet. Barty’s destructive behaviour would make sure that they’d never have their chance at this rate. Evan was right for not kissing him. Barty had to stop this stuff with Regulus first, but he didn’t know if he could.
He was only just a boy, after all.
We don’t talk enough
We should open up
Before it’s all too much.
But it already had been too much, and they had only just opened up to each other. Would they be okay? Ever? Would things be able to go back to normal or not?
Will we ever learn?
We’ve been here before
It’s just what we know
They will always be stuck in this impossible dance together. Dancing around each other but never in each other’s arms.
Always in love, but never the other’s lover.
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So, yes, Sirius knew that last night was supposed to have no consequences.
But he woke up to two hot cups of tea on his bedside table and Remus beside him in his bed. So he had hope that at least that was figured out.
Because, see, he had come to the conclusion that he must be in love with Remus a few days ago, but since then Remus had slowly distanced himself from Sirius as if he was losing feelings.
Sirius had gone into the club with an uneasy feeling, but he came out of it with Remus kissing his neck and trying to undress him on the street, so he was ecstatic. Like anyone would be if Remus wanted to have sex with you, right?
‘Good morning, sleepyhead. You slept well?’ Remus asked Sirius. He was sitting with his back against a pillow against the headboard, of course reading a book. Sirius plucked the book away from Remus and put the bookmark in it before gently placing it down beside the tea. He faced Remus again and smiled cheekily at him. ‘Good morning my beautiful Moony. I slept really well with you beside me. How did you sleep?’ Sirius asked, relishing in the feeling it brought when Remus’ ears turned pink.
‘I… uh… Beautiful?’ Remus blubbered out. Sirius nodded and reached out to play with a loose strand of Remus’ hair. ‘You’re very beautiful, Remus,’ Sirius muttered, his eyes falling down from the strand to meet Remus’ eyes. Sirius’ brain flashed back quickly to last night, making him close his eyes for a little longer than a blink before opening them again and smiling at Remus, who’s brow was now raised.
‘What are you thinking about?’
‘Nothing…’
‘I don’t believe the tone of your voice.’
Remus’ brow was still raised, but his tone was amused. He had crossed his arms, but his eyes were still on Sirius’. ‘I was just thinking about last night and how innocent we were,’ Sirius said innocently, blinking twice because he knew it would make Remus swoon even if just a little bit.
‘Innocent? I don’t think your screams could be considered innocent, Sirius,’ Remus said casually, while Sirius choked on air and sputtered out a strained laugh. ‘I’m sorry- You- Remus!’ he huffed, still laughing and shaking his head. When Sirius’ eyes found Remus again, Remus was smiling at him.
‘You were really stubborn too. But very obedient in the end. Begging looks good on you, you know,’ Remus muttered, his gaze lowering until Sirius could feel it on his lips. ‘I-’ Sirius was speechless.
What the hell do you say to that anyways?
‘It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. I just want to ask you one thing now that I’m still a little confident of my case,’ Remus said. Sirius frowned at him. ‘What do you mean? You should-’ ‘Shhh. Let me talk, Sirius,’ Remus whispered, putting one finger against Sirius’ lips.
‘Did you mean it? What you said to me last night?’
‘If you wanted me to pluck every star from the sky, just so you could look at them up close, I’d do it for you, Remus. Even if I would’ve died in the process of grabbing the stars for you.’
Sirius took a moment to smile at himself and nodded at Remus, who let his finger fall away from Sirius’ lips.
‘Remus, I would do anything for you. I would kill for you, I would die for you. I would even kill myself for you. It took me too long to realise how badly I was hurting because of my love for you. I inflicted hurt on myself and you by acting oblivious to it, and I will never forgive myself for wasting so much time I could’ve spent with you.’ Remus’ mouth was open in shock and he stared at Sirius in a daze, slowly blinking every now and then.
‘So, I don’t want to waste any more time now. Will you, Remus,’ Sirius let himself fall out of bed to sit on his knees, which must’ve looked stupid because he was merely in his boxers. ‘Make me the happiest person to have ever graced the earth with their presence.’ Remus huffed a laugh and shook his head from ridicule, shuffling around on the bed to reach down and cradle Sirius’ face.
‘And be my boyfriend?’
Remus smiled at him with a soft smile, and Sirius could see hints of tears in Remus’ eyes.
‘Yes, of course I want to be your boyfriend. I love you, Sirius. Always have and always will.’
And everyone could guess what happened after.
No not sex, you dirty minded fuckers.
They kissed. And talked. And kissed some more. And drank their tea, which had turned cold by then. They spent the entire day in Sirius’ bed, but they couldn’t be happier.
Sirius couldn’t be happier.
He really ought to listen to Monty a little more.