When I felt that I should leave
The first thought Regulus ever had about James Potter was that he hated him. He hated his stupid smile and his stupid clothes and his stupid charm that took away all of Sirius’ attention.
He stayed true to this belief until sometime in 5th year. He had already run away with Sirius, leaving his family long behind. His first thought had been to move in with one of his friends, to pretend none of it had ever really happened, to pretend he wasn’t so scared. All of the time. Sirius didn’t like that idea. He insisted on some sort of ‘brothers code’ that kept them together, and managed to drag Regulus into living with his worst one sided enemy.
To a certain extent, he took pride in hating the boy. James, who was so disgustingly warm, so likeable, so good. He saw past it all, past all the light into whatever deep dark part of himself that James didn’t show to anyone else. Who would have thought it would be the ugliest parts that would make Regulus change his mind.
It had been late, and Regulus should have been asleep. It was always harder during the summers. Maybe he was safe now but his body seemed to have this natural edge anytime he was anywhere but school. He was calculated but slower, mean but so so tired. And he was supposed to be alone. When he first moved in with James, his dad, or Monty as he insisted he was called, had allowed Regulus to have his own key to the balcony. It was a big luxurious sort that looked over every star in the sky. So every night, when thoughts began to plague him, Regulus would return to the balcony like some sort of ritual. And he was supposed to be alone.
“Hi.” And he could have sworn his head swivelled like a goddamn owl.
“James?”
And that was the night that Regulus decided that maybe he didn’t really hate James. Maybe it was something far worse.
And then they got older. Their minds and bodies changed and for some reason Regulus couldn’t take his eyes off of that stupid boy and his stupid changes. And every once in a while it seemed like it wasn’t just him, like those eyes were looking right back to him. Those secret shared glances at parties when no one else was looking, the small smiles every time they saw each other. It had to be more. Because if it wasn’t, Regulus didn’t think he would ever really get over it. As much as he told the world he hated James in public, he certainly loved him well in secret.
And then that party happened, and that God forsaken kiss. And Regulus wasn’t sure of what to think about anything.
Payback for Sirius giving me the dare, right? I kiss his baby brother. That wasn’t fair. He wasn’t payback. And it felt so real.
And then James looked at him, that special smile that was just for Regulus. And what was Regulus even supposed to take that as? Of course it could only get worse from there.
“James.” He whispered it like a prayer as hot hands pressed against his body, nails scratching and teeth biting. Sweat and lust and everything sacrilegious mixing with his spit as he kissed James like he was owed it.
“Regulus.” And oh. He spoke so sweetly.
My love.
Baby.
Darling.
All the words I want to tell you but can only share through kisses pressed to your neck. I hope you know I need you. I hope you know I’ve waiting so fucking long to touch you.
But he never could talk. And then someone was knocking at the door and James was throwing on trousers and leaving Regulus alone. Alone and cold. And how he hated that.
He checked his phone to see missed calls from.. Remus? Questions for another time. It didn’t matter. What mattered was James and whoever was at the door. Whoever it was that knew. Fuck.
“It was Evan.” Regulus cocked his head, unsure of how to feel about the outcome. Evan wouldn’t tell. He wasn’t like that.
“Yeah. That's okay. That works.”
“I need to leave, Regulus.” It shouldn’t have hurt this much. He shouldn’t be grieving this so soon.
“Yeah. Bye James.” And then much quieter, like a prayer he whispered, “Don’t tell Sirius.”
And of course James echoed. “Don’t tell Sirius.” A promise. One that maybe Regulus didn’t, but James hated.
With a nod he was gone, and Regulus had never felt quite so alone.
Regulus Black was not a stranger to the feeling of loneliness. Years in the house he was raised in left him bitter and sharp. But the same things that made him strong gave him enough weakness to crumble under one soft touch. One touch. He had broken every single rule he had ever made for himself, every rule he wore branded beneath his skin.
Don’t let anyone in.
Don’t let them see what you are because no one will like you once they really know.
They’ll see that you’re filth. Repulsive. No one will want you.
And then stupid James came along and turned over everything Regulus had ever thought, then left before he could adjust to the new order.
—
James was certain that he loved Regulus. He had been sure of that fact since Sirius had proudly presented him and Regulus had just scowled as if he would have rather been anywhere else. He looked so old for someone so young. Like he had known more than he should have.
At 12, James had never known much hurt, at least directed at himself. He had however seen Sirius on the nights when he couldn’t sleep, or worse, was plagued by nightmares. He had heard about the horrors of their home. So no, James may have grown up in a loving home, but he was no stranger to the idea of abuse. Maybe that’s why Regulus fascinated him so much.
As Sirius grew, he became repulsed by his family. He took every opportunity to disobey and anger them. Regulus never did. He stayed quiet and behaved the way he was told. He never stepped a foot out of line, never spoke without being spoken to. And yet, he still suffered for it. He didn’t do anything, neither of them did. How could someone hurt someone they were supposed to love more than anything?
When he first kissed Regulus, it had been after far too many years of pining. And it had been honestly underwhelming. It wasn’t after dinner at a nice restaurant, or at the park looking up at the stars, or even just somewhere quiet. Instead it was on the floor of Regulus’ house, surrounded by snickering friends and spilled booze. And even from that one lacklustre peck, James knew he was addicted.
And how could he ever stay sober? Just a few days later he was wrapped in Regulus like a blanket. Hot and heavy in his best friend's brother's bed. It had to be all sorts of immoral. A hundred flavours of betrayal to Sirius. But fuck, it felt so good.
And then he left. Of course he left. There's no way Regulus really wanted him to stay after that, right? James had practised so hard, studied so hard on when to leave. Because he was too much. And he knew that. And he couldn’t change that about himself. He couldn't change the sickened looks people gave him when he was around too long or got too loud. He couldn’t stop the urges to give and give until he was fully drained. But he could shorten the doses. No one wanted all of James. So little doses it was. A huff there, a shot here, so no one would got hurt. So no one would get sick of him. That's how it was supposed to be, right?
Reggie
Hi
I’m sorry about what happened
Can we meet up and talk about it?
Barty has someone over so I could come over to yours?
James didn’t mind the spam. In fact it reassured him. He hadn’t had the best luck in previous relationships, hence his beliefs.
James
sirius is here sorry
i can meet you somewhere else though
ill pick you up
On my way!
omw*
He cursed himself silently for the desperate sounding autocorrect before waving a farewell to Sirius and Peter and dashing out of the house like his life depended on it. Maybe it did. Because if James were to go without the taste of Regulus’ lips against his own he was certain he would starve.
Regulus was sitting on the steps when James pulled up, and he got in the car without a word. James spent the drive silently drinking Regulus in. His hands to his shoulders to his face. Thighs and hips and stomach and eyes. All of it. It burned his throat like cheap booze and he loved it.
They drove and drove until Regulus came to the realisation that James had no clue where he was going.
“What are we?”
James inhaled sharply, biting down the question. His eyes stayed focused on the road, as much as he wanted to let them drift to the walking sin sitting next to him. “I don’t know. I really don’t know, Reggie.”
“Regulus.” It was sharp. “My name is Regulus.” James just nodded and waited. Waited for whatever was coming next. “What do you want us to be?” Oh. Regulus was finally asking a good question, one that made James think.
The thing was, he couldn’t quite find his answer. He could name a thousand things he hated, but not one he really wanted. I don’t want to be friends, I don’t want to be a secret. A secret.
“I don’t want you to hide me.”
“What?”
He sucked his teeth, preparing to spill. Here it was. The inevitable part where James says too much and people get scared and leave. The sneak-peek past the sunshine that turns repulsive in the hands of whoever he speaks to. “I can’t be your secret Reg- Regulus. I can’t put up with people only wanting parts of me. I need you to want all of me, I need proof that someone can and I’m really tired of being used like a drug. This- us, whatever it is that we are, it has to be all or nothing. I can’t handle you just taking me when you need. I’m not someones fucking meds, Regulus. I’m a person too. I need someone to let me be that.”
Things get very quiet for a moment, and James could taste blood on his tongue from when he had bitten it. Regulus was looking down at his lap, chewing his bottom lip. His head turned as James spoke, a raw and primal whimper from the very back of his throat. “Please.”
“I want you James. All of you.” The car had since stopped on the side of the road. If he was to try and keep driving, James was certain he would crash. “I’ve wanted you for so long, and you kept leaving.”
His voice hardened just a bit. “I was protecting you. You want the me that everyone sees, the me that smiles and laughs and does all those happy little things. And I can’t always be that, Regulus. You don’t understand. I can’t always be-”
“Happy? I don’t want you to be happy all the time. I just want you to be James.”
He wanted to cry, scream, laugh. He wanted to taste his heart in his mouth and spit out his own blood. His ears were ringing because his head had to be making things up. But he looked over and Regulus had his eyes on James like he was just waiting. And so James leaned over the cup holders and grabbed his face with one hand and kissed him like his life depended on it. If anyone asked, this was their first kiss. Nothing underwhelming about it.
A lot of things continued to go unsaid. It wasn’t going to be a fix-all kiss that repaired the years of repressed feelings and falsified hatred. But it was a start. A good start. And that's all that James could ask for. He dropped Regulus off once more. It was past midnight at this point and Regulus assured him that Barty’s date should be gone by now. There was no kiss at the doorstep but he was sure to squeeze the boy's hand extra tight. Proof that it was all real, that they were real.
—
Regulus laid in bed, playing every conversation on loop in his head. James. His James, who was so good at keeping quiet about his hurt. Regulus was going to teach him to get better. Regulus would help him. He was going to be so fucking good.
In the morning, long after Evan had finally left the house and Regulus had ensured avoiding another awkward encounter like the night before, he slunk into Barty’s room like a shy animal looking for food. “How did things go with pretty boy?” He watched Barty stiffen at the comment, and a spike of worry seized him. If those two hadn’t sorted their shit Regulus was going to single handedly lock them in a room together until he was sure they had either talked or fucked through their problems.
“Good. Things went really good.” Barty broke into a dopey smile that made Regulus queasy. “What about you? How was your night with sunshine?”
“I think I’m in love with him.”
Barty pulled Regulus into a hug. “Yeah, I know Reg. If it helps, I think he’s a good one. I think you two are good for eachother. He makes you smile.”
Regulus let out a wet laugh, resting his face on Bartys shoulder. “When did you get so wise? What happened to the chainsmoker who drank until he couldn’t see straight?”
“Oh trust me, he’s still here. I just thought you needed this right now.”
“I did. Thank you Barty. I love you.”
“Love you too Arcturus.”