I wonder what it's like to die
For the first time in a while, Barty woke up happy. The constant pressure of Evans knee on his thigh and arm on his chest allowing for steady breathing. He tried not to move, scared that if he did it would disturb Evan and this perfect moment would be over. Shallow breaths and closed eyes. He couldn’t take his gaze off of Evan, off of his skin or his lips. He was so pretty. It couldn’t be fair that one person could hold this much beauty.
“I know you’re staring.” Evan whispers, waking Barty from his quiet daydreams.
“Can’t be helped.” He offers in return, smiling as Evan opened his eyes, deep brown and full of whatever it is that makes poetry beautiful.
He kissed the back of Evan’s neck, right at the start of his spine. He took a second to really feel his teeth against the bone before kissing down lower and lower, stopping at the small of his back before moving back up and collapsing on top of him. “I’m sorry, Evan.”
“I don’t know if sorry is going to fix this, Barty. I don’t know if this can be fixed. I don’t know if I even want it to be.” Wow. Barty couldn’t say he was surprised. Evan would have to be stupid to think there was still a chance. That didn’t mean Barty didn’t wish he did. He hardly registered the hot tears in his eyes until they were rolling down his cheeks and onto Evans' back.
“I’m sorry. Uh- I’m just- shit Evan. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. I hate this. I hate everything. I can’t tell you things. I want someone to know, I need someone to know.” He needed to shut up. He needed to stop talking because he was about to say something he would heavily regret. He didn’t want to tell anyone, ever. It was embarrassing honestly. Only Regulus knew, and he trusted the boy not to tell anyone else.
Because to Barty, Barty who had always pushed the rules and found anything he could to rebel, his father was the scariest thing to ever exist. And no matter how much he wanted to, he could never disobey the man's words. It had become normal. The hitting, the screaming, the threats. It had become normal.
“Barty?” The tears were becoming sobs, and he was moving off the bed, backing up. “What do you want to tell someone?” He could tell Evan was worried, but he couldn’t really make out the words. Everything was blurry. His chest was moving too fast, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't feel. Everything was spinning and oh my God he must be dying. That’s it, this was dying. He couldn’t breathe and he was choking back full body sobs that hurt his ribs. And he was certain his legs were shaking, and his hands too. And now Evan was moving closer and it was all too much.
He couldn’t breathe.
He couldn’t breathe, but he could scream. “Get the fuck away from me. No, stop- stop moving. Can’t- don’t fucking touch me Rosier.” His voice was all high pitched and he hated it. He hated how scared he was, how he couldn't be near Evan. He was folding in on himself, knees to his chest, and he couldn't stop crying. If his father could see him now what would he say? His father. His father. He could hear his voice already, he could hear the screaming. He hid his face, waiting for the blow, waiting for it to hurt.
“Bats? Are you okay? Shit-”
“Obviously I’m not fucking okay?! Leave me alone, further, I need you to go away right now Rosier. Stop looking at me. Please- I hate you.” He was screaming. And he hated it. He hated himself. He couldn’t see what Evan looked like in the moment, he was probably disgusted. He knew this wasn't the first time this had happened. Evan used to be able to help, but this was Evan’s doing. He needed him gone. He wanted him to stay.
He wanted it to be Evan to hold him and help him. He wanted that to be enough. He wanted it to be last year when they would stay up late talking about anything and everything and it would always be okay because it was them. But it wasn’t a year ago, and Evan’s voice was hurting Barty’s head. And maybe that’s because he still loved him. Maybe that's why it still hurts. Barty couldn’t tell you.
He thinks he heard Evan calling for Regulus and it’s confirmed but the running up the stairs and his door swinging open. Regulus yelled something to Evan who Barty thinks is crying now as well and he leaves. The tears have stopped but his breathing is irregular, audible, and heavy.
Regulus is at his side, arms wrapped around him. “Barty, breathe. 1, 2, 3.”
1. 2. 3.
In and out.
His breathing starts to slow and the shaking subsides. His face was probably red and he doesn’t doubt that his eyes were bloodshot. “Can’t- Reg I can’t.”
“You can, you can. I’m here. You can.” Regulus. His best fucking friend. If it weren’t for him Barty didn’t think he would even be alive. And maybe he hates the boy for that some days, hates him for keeping him alive. But other days he’s grateful. Other days he silently thanks the boy for being the reason he is here to see the sun. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Barty shook his head, but still spoke. “I can hear him, so loud Reg. You don’t- well maybe you do understand. Every day, never good enough, not for him. I can’t- Evan can’t know.”
“He still doesn’t know that that’s why you broke up. He thinks you stopped loving him.”
Barty let out a wet laugh. “Not helping."
“Sorry sorry!” Regulus smiled, helping Barty stand up before finding a shirt for him. “Just.. promise me this won’t put you off again? I can tell he makes you happy. Don’t let your dad take away someone you loved that much.”
Barty hummed quietly, face feeling rather stiff from the now dried tears. “I’m so scared Reg.” Barty never told people he felt scared, he never told people how bad it was. He had no real reason to. He had seen how bad things were for Regulus growing up. If his friends had it worse he had no reason to talk about his own problems. It would have been selfish.
“I know. Believe me Barty, I know. But love isn’t supposed to hurt.”
“Evan used to say that.” He forced a smile.
Regulus nodded, holding Barty through every wave of tears and whispers. Always there, the ever present force of Regulus Arcturus Black that Barty was sure he was destined to meet in every universe. “Hey Reg?” He couldn’t deal with the weight being on him anymore, so he had to switch the conversation before it started hurting more. “You haven’t been telling me something, and I think you need to talk about it.”
“Good deflection, Crouch.” Regulus laughed, Barty could feel the shaking against his body. It made him smile. “But yeah. Yeah, I think I do need to talk.”
“So, James?” Barty grins at the way Regulus’ nose scrunches. “You don’t even hide it, and neither does he based on how he looks at you.”
“He doesn’t look at me like anything. I was just a way to annoy Sirius.”
“God you’re blind!” Barty laughed out loud, earning himself a light smack from Regulus. “He looks at you as if you’re the only person in the room!” And in a softer voice he added, “He looks at you like you’re something lovely.”
He hears Regulus sigh, pressing against him. “Well, maybe I just am lovely.”
“Don’t even try to lie to yourself, Arcturus. You’re the furthest from, except to him that is.” He wrapped his hands around Regulus, letting himself finally fall into his lap, resting a head on his thigh. “You should talk to him about it. I’ll talk to my boy if you talk to yours.”
Regulus started combing through Barty’s hair with his fingers, the skin cool against his head. “Oh so he is your boy.”
“Please please please kill yourself.” Barty hummed back. “Go fuck yourself, or better yet go get James to fuck you.”
Barty couldn’t see the boy's face but he’s sure if he could it would be scarlet. “I hate you so much Crouch you don’t even realise it.”
“Oh please, you love me.”
“Yeah.” They stayed like that for a while, Barty resting in Regulus’ lap. His brother, two souls who despite all the bad things in the world had managed to find someone else that understood them. Blood-ties be damned, they were brothers through and through, and Barty suspected it would always be like that.
Eventually Regulus left and Barty was alone again, but he didn’t mind. Sometimes alone was good, sometimes it's just what you needed to clear your mind. He picked up his phone to see a voice message from Evan, and with a long breath he clicked play.
“Barty? Shit- I don’t even know how to start this.” He could tell Evan was crying. “I’m so sorry if I pushed or said something wrong or anything like that. I- I’m so sorry. I hope you’re okay, please call me back. I called Regulus to help because I didn’t know what to do. I used to know what to do. You looked so scared, you looked scared of me. I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.”
By the end of his voice note Barty was staring at his phone, unblinking.
“Deep breaths, okay? It’s going to be okay.” Evans' voice whispered against his neck. He usually hated touch at times like these but with Evan it was different.
Slowly his breathing calmed and he leaned into the boy. “I love you, I love you so much. Thank you Rosie, fuck.”
“I love you too.”
Maybe it was a good night for a random hook-up? Yeah, that was probably what was best right now. He made his way out the flat, yelling a good-bye to Regulus who winced when he realised what Barty was off to do. It didn’t matter what Regulus thought tho, did it? It shouldn’t.
Promise me this won’t put you off again?
Maybe it mattered a little bit.
When he got to the club he was hit immediately with the smells of spilt alcohol and bodies pressed all too close together. That mixed with the wall of shitty club music made for a rather homely feeling deep in Barty’s gut.
He took his seat in front of the bar and pulled out his sketch pad. Okay, well maybe it wasn’t his seat, per say. Although Barty was nearly certain he had seen Remus glaring at anyone else who dared to sit there. The man behind the bar offered him a raised eyebrow before turning to make Barty a surprise drink, giving him just enough time to try and draw blood from the inside of his lips.
“So, I’ve been wanting to talk to you. Didn’t get much of a chance at the party.”
Barty took a sip of the mystery drink, rolling his eyes when he realised it was nothing more than soda water and lime.
“I’m trying to keep you sober until we’ve had an actual conversation, Barty. Now, what did you mean by ‘your Sirius’. There’s nothing going on between Sirius and I.” Remus spoke slightly rushed, as if he was trying to convince himself just as much as he was Barty.
“Well in that case, there’s nothing going on between me and this guy either.” Barty smiled, sucking the lime between his teeth.
“It’s Evan, isn't it?”
Forward much? That causes Barty to sputter around the sour peel, glaring up at the taller man through dark eyelashes. “Fuck off.”
“I’ll take that as a yes. Come on then, let’s save you the embarrassment of waking up in a random girls bed. Tell me everything.”
“Not nearly drunk enough for that.”
Remus turned around, grabbing bottles off of the lower shelves. Fucking cheapskate. “I can fix that. I’ll tell you about Sirius if you tell me about Evan.”
“So there is something between you and Sirius then?”
Remus sighed, but Barty noticed the light flush on his face. “He’s straight.”
“Ah, so you’re the Evan in the relationship.” He laughed, admitting it outloud for the first time. He downed the shot the Remus had placed in front of him as self punishment.
“So you are gay?”
“I’m something. Human is the right word I guess.” He mumbled out the last sentence, scraping his tongue through pressed incisors.
“I suppose. But you do love him?”
“Love is a strong word. I hate him sometimes. I hate him because he’s the only thing stopping me from being normal. I hate him because being with him feels- it feels so good. It feels right even though I know it shouldn’t, and well, I hate that. I hate how I can’t give him up, like-” He has to take a second to catch his breath and down more of the liquor that Remus keeps placing in front of him. God he loves that man.
“He’s like a goddamn drug, Remus. Gotta- I don’t even know. I need to inject him straight into my veins, lick him off the fucking countertops,” He grinned at how Remus raised an eyebrow to the comment. “wrap my lips around-”
“Please keep it PG in my club, Barty.” He passed the man another shot. Really trying to get all the words out wasn’t he? How responsible.
“I was going to say cigarette, actually. Mind out of the gutter geez.” He downed the next shot, mind feeling way too fuzzy. “No more drinks, fuck. Anyways yeah, I love him, I hate him, changes hour to hour. Onto why I guess.” Another pause. “I really hate my dad, man. Despise him. Hoping you can read between the lines there, yeah?” He really doesn’t want to go into more detail. Crying at a club is really not sexy, except maybe to the people who are into that.
“Oh. I’m sorry Barty. Let’s get you home, yeah? Wanna crash at mine tonight? My shift is just about over.”
By the time Barty had made it to Remus’ he was truly drunk. By the time he got to the door he could feel the bile climbing his throat. Thankfully he managed to make it to the bathroom before lurching over the toilet bowl and throwing up his guts. He was mildly aware of Remus sitting on his knees next to him, a hand drawing comforting circles on his upper back. He whispered a quiet ‘sorry’, to which Barty murmured a slightly louder ‘fuck you’.
He slept on the couch, blissfully empty. For the first time in far too long there was a weight off of his aching shoulders, a weight off his burdened ribs. He could breathe. He was breathing. He was alive, and for the first time in quite a while, that didn’t feel like a problem.