Don’t you go begging and pleading
Barty woke up with a pounding headache and bile at the back of his throat. He didn’t know where he was at first, but as the world slowly gained clarity, he recognized the once familiar apartment he had shared with Evan. There were still photos on the walls, not taken down even after the place had been almost abandoned for half a year. Barty still came here every once in a while. He dusted, stared at the pictures like they could stare back, smelled the sheets, even if the smell of Evan’s cologne and long since faded.
At first he had no memories. The night before was nothing more than a blur. But slowly, piece by piece, the night came back to him. A heavy regret sank into his bones. He had kissed Evan. Or Evan had kissed him? But logistics aside, they had kissed.
Barty thought for just a second that maybe, maybe, they could work. Childish behaviour really. Barty could never love Evan, Barty could never love another boy. Even if Evan had been the first one to help him cope when he got diagnosed as bipolar. Even if Evan was the only one to stay up till midnight to celebrate every birthday. Even if Evan had been the only one to help him get dressed and brush his teeth on the days he felt undeserving of love.
Barty
we shoukd talk
Barty didn’t wait for a reply. He had to get back home. The apartment haunted him and clogged his lungs. It was an orbit of everything that could have and was supposed to have been. Memories that had never been made. Words that had never been said.
When he got to his flat he was more than shocked to see that Evan, still very much asleep, was on his couch. Regulus was in the kitchen, watching over the kettle with a hungry look. He mumbled a quiet ‘hello’, when the door closed behind Barty.
“What’s he doing here?” Barty asks, referencing the sleeping figure on the couch.
“Told him he could stay the night.You can wake him up if you need.” Barty shook his head, occupying the cushioned seat instead of the couch. He watched Evan’s breathing pattern, subconsciously trying to copy it. “I have to run a few errands. Can you keep the house up while I’m gone?” Barty rolled his eyes and nodded. He didn’t question what sort of errands Regulus had this early and the morning after a party. If he wanted to tell Barty then he would have.
He kept an eye on Evan, as if the boy was a bomb that could blow up at any moment. Despite himself, Barty had to admit Evan was still beautiful when he slept. His blond curls sat on his forehead, the soft breaths and parted lips. Barty missed him, God he missed him.
And when Evan woke up all the peace left his face and was replaced with something Barty didn’t know how to read. A form of grief he had yet to learn. He had to trace his hands over Evan’s skin and read him like braille, understanding through body against fingertips. Evan glanced at him before snatching his phone up from the table.
“You left last night.” Evan whispered.
Barty nodded. “I did.” A pause. “We both know this was never going to work, Evan. Stop trying to fix what’s already dead. You’re not magic.” The words taste worse than the bile. He regretted it as soon as he spoke. He could tell that he had overstepped by the bitten look on Evan’s face. He looked like he had gotten a tooth punched out, mouth half open. Barty waited to see blood trickling out.
“No Barty. We know shit. You decided one day that you wouldn’t put in any effort and you let us die. And you never fucking told me why. Fuck your ‘forevers’ Crouch. Fuck you.” His face was wrinkled, not with disgust but hurt.
“You don’t understand shit Evan. You never have and you never will.” He finds himself storming up the stairs, slamming the door like an immature child. He waits for the click of the door to signify that Evan is gone but it never comes. So he waits longer, still nothing. So Barty sat and waited. He waited and let memories swirl through his head so that for a second he could pretend that nothing had changed.
“Evan.” It was far too late and they should have been inside but instead they were out behind the school, hiding from teachers. Barty and his best friend. Friend. It was normal to love your friends this much, right? It was normal to want them to kiss you. Okay, well maybe Barty didn’t feel that way for Regulus but Evan was his best friend.
“Barty.” But friends didn’t do this. Barty watched Evan sitting next to him, the way the blue light of the moon illuminated his face. The curve of his lips contrasting with the occasional flash of white teeth. He watched the boy's hands go to his mouth as he took a long drag of the cigarette they had been sharing.
“I don’t do these sorts of things with Reg.” Barty hummed.
Evan cast a grin. “I’m special.”
“You are. You’re my best friend.” He watched as Evan bit his tongue, a strange look taking over his face.
“That's one way to put it. Hey Barty?”
“Yes Ev?” He waits for a question, when it arrives his face goes a bit pale.
“Have you ever kissed a boy?” What sort of question was that? No, obviously he hadn’t. Barty was straight. Why would he go around kissing other men?
“No.” Evan paused for a moment, chewing on his lip.
“Do you want to?”
“I want to kiss you, but I don't want to kiss men.” And Evan kissed him. Didn’t ask any more questions, just kissed him like he loved him and like it would all be fine by morning. That was the night things changed, the night Barty learned he had to start keeping secrets.
“Barty?” There was a knock on his door. Evan’s voice. The door opens and Evan is standing there holding a mug of what smells like coffee.
“What if I had been naked?” He rolled his eyes. He couldn’t let himself seem scared. He was Barty. He didn’t get scared of things like this. He had no reason to. He was straight.
“Nothing I haven’t seen before.” Evan grinned, welcoming himself into Barty’s room as if it were second nature. “Sit with me?” He asked, sitting on the end of Barty’s bed. Barty obliged, even if he wanted to run. He kept a distance between Evan, just a couple inches over and their thighs would be pressed together.
“So?” Barty whispered. He was in no place to deal with this right now and wanted nothing more than to melt into his bed.
“I still miss you.” Barty didn’t want Evan to miss him. He deserved to move on, to find someone who was allowed to love him. “But you’re different now. I don’t know if I miss you or what you were.”
“Yeah.” That's all he can manage. And then Evan is standing up and leaving and Barty is left alone once again. When he hears Evan leaving the house and lets himself truly exhale. It wasn’t fair to Evan to have to deal with him like this. His fathers voice rang in his mind. He could never love Evan. No matter how much he wanted to.
It must have been a few hours when he heard another noise. Regulus knocked on his bedroom door before sliding in. He was quiet. He didn't say anything as he slipped into bed with Barty, wrapping an arm around him. They stayed like that for a while, soaking in each other's company, not sharing a word. Then Barty decided he had had enough of secrets. He needed someone to know. Maybe then he could finally get over Evan.
“Reg?” Regulus hummed a response, face pressed into the back of his neck. There was nothing romantic about this. They were just two boys who had been dealt a bad hand since birth. Two boys who had found solace and mutual understanding in each other. “I think I fucked up, and I haven’t been fully honest with you. I haven’t been really honest with anyone in a long time.”
Regulus stiffened, laughing slightly. “I swear if you’re about to confess your love for me, I’ll slaughter you.” But then he relaxed, realising Barty was serious. “Are you ready to talk about it now?”
He inhaled sharply. “I think so.” He waited for another comment from Regulus, and when nothing came he started to speak. “Um, so a while ago, like over three years now, I kissed Evan.”
“Is that it? I’ve kissed Evan as well, no big deal.”
Barty laughed again, breathing against the palm of his hand. “No, there's more. I don’t know exactly what I’d call us. We were in love for about three years. I couldn’t really picture a day without him. He was my best friend, and more than that as well I guess. We bought a flat, planned out our lives, everything really. Then my dad caught wind that his son was acting like a poof and well, it didn’t go well. He told me I had to stop being friends with fags or I would turn into one, and after that I sort of just let our relationship die. I stopped trying to start a conversation with Evan, stopped everything. Fuck Reg, it hurt so much. I had to watch him try and fix something knowing I was what was killing it, knowing it was my fault.”
When Regulus didn’t say anything he continued. “And then well, we broke up. I went into a really bad depressive episode, and didn't leave the flat for a week. Reg, he stayed with me the whole time. Brushed my fucking teeth and made sure I ate something. And when I was better I just left him. Then that’s when I moved in with you, and he moved in with Pandora. And well, we haven’t talked since. Until last night I guess.”
There was a long silence. Regulus had his head on Barty’s shoulder, body pressed against his back. “You’re one of my closest friends Barty. Do you think I never noticed how you looked at him?”
Barty choked on a breath. Obviously Regulus had known. There wasn’t really a way to hide that sort of thing for so long. “I guess.”
“You should talk to him. Hiding things like this from people you love will just hurt you more. You’re hurting him and yourself.” Regulus wasn’t usually one to offer good advice. It was shocking to Barty just how well he could word things.
“I don’t love him.” That was a bad lie.
“You looked at him when you kissed Pan.” There was his answer. He loved Evan like he loved breathing. Or more so he needed Evan like he needed breathing, because there were some days where he thought he would be happy to stop all together.
Barty lived in a constant state of ‘maybe than’ and ‘what if’. He was scared to live but terrified to die. Maybe that’s why things like this always happened to him. He never let himself live. But it was too late now. Evan had left, Evan didn’t want him anymore.
“Talk to him, Barty. For your own sake.” Regulus breathed out, Barty could feel it on the back of his neck. He could tell Regulus was tired, he was as well.
“Tomorrow. Wanna sleep here tonight?” He heard a sigh from the boy that he took as a yes, finally letting himself sleep. Maybe in the morning he’d be able to think clearly without a headache. Maybe the memories of the last kiss with Evan would have faded and turned to aches rather than sharp pains.
He doesn’t dream when he sleeps. He hasn’t in a while. At first he missed the dreams but slowly he realised that when the dreams stopped the nightmares did as well. Maybe it was worth it. And when he wakes up he’s only reminded that the weight against his back isn’t Evan but Regulus. He feels a sort of disappointment in his chest, and he knows Regulus can sense it because the boy gets up and leaves without a word. Barty reaches for his phone by instinct to find a list of texts from Evan.