I wanna put you in the past
“And we’ll get ourselves a flat together of course. We’ll have the best parties I promise you, we can even let Reggie invite his annoying brother and everyone else and-”
“Barty, calm down baby”
He was on Barty’s bed. He was holding Barty. His boyfriend.
“Just a few more months.”
Evan woke up with a sweat already forming on his forehead. He grimaced as the foggy memory of his dream faded away. Those fucking eyes. 3 whole years. Enough regret to fill his stomach for the rest of his life.
He kicks the covers off of him, making his way downstairs to the kitchen, where Pandora was already sipping down coffee, pressed against her girlfriend. Lily smiled at him, beckoning to the coffee on the counter that was still hot. He nodded a thanks before grabbing the mug and returning to his hideout. He scrolled through his phone for a moment, taking just a second longer to glance at the contact at the end of the list that he has yet to delete. Bats 🦇.
“Oi! Rosier, whatcha up to this weekend?” Evan laughed softly.
“We’ve been dating for half a year, you can just ask if I want to go out. And stop calling me that. It sounds too formal.” He scrunched his nose, grinning at the slightly shorter boy.
“Fine fine, how about Rosie? I think it works great.”
“Oh God that's even worse.” Evan folded over on the bed, laughing through his nose. “It’s not even pronounced right. My last name is Rosier . Y’know, like French?”
He didn’t miss the way Barty’s cheeks flushed that pretty pink. “Wait fuck that was really hot.”
“Damn Crouch, didn’t know you had a bilingualism fetish.” Barty’s eyes widened and he quickly joined Evan flopped against the bed, laughing till he couldn’t breathe.
“I do not have a bilingualism fetish!”
Evan sat on the edge of the bed, staring at his phone unmoving. He hated these memories, the way they still tasted all too sweet in the back of his throat.
“Fine, fine. Well if you have a nickname for me I get one for you. How ‘bout Bats?”
“Bats?” He could hear that Barty was smiling. He knew all his tells.
“Short for Barty. And ‘cause you’re batty.”
He sighs before turning off his phone, sipping down the rest of the coffee. Then he goes for a walk. When the thoughts in his head are ganging up on him and he feels like he’s trapped, Evan goes for a walk. That’s what he’s always done. What he always will do. There's a song ringing in his head. He turns the volume up on his phone and lets it drown out his mind.
“I think I’m gonna marry you one day, Bats.” Evan whispered against Barty’s neck.
“Mhm.”
Fuck the walk. He turned right around, not caring about noise as he shoved through the doorway and onto the couch next to Pandora. “So fucking tired of this.” He muttered. Pandora knew, Pandora had seen him through it all.
“Evan.” Lily whispered. For all he cared to admit, Evan loved Lily. She was one of his closest friends these days. Somehow she always understood how he felt.
Evan huffed, not sure what he was meant to say. Lily probably wasn’t sure of what he was even talking about, though neither was Pandora. Barty had been his most well kept secret for the entire time they were together. All Pandora knew is that there had been someone that Evan had truly loved, and then something had happened.
“Gotta get over them Ev. It’s over.”
“I’ll never stop loving you.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“You better not, Rosier.”
“Look, I don’t know what exactly happened, but I know it hurt you. You’re hurting yourself by not letting yourself forget.”
“Evan, we’ll be ok right?”
“Please Panda- I just can't deal with this right now, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“We’ll be just fine, Barty. I promise.”
“Alright. That’s okay Evan.” He didn’t miss the underlying hurt in her words. “Let me know if you need anything.” He felt awful. He hugged her, trying to show that it wasn’t her fault, there were just some things he wasn’t ready to say out loud. Some secrets that needed to be kept for 3 years and 6 months. 3 years they had been in love, and 6 months that they hadn’t spoken. “Lils and I are heading out tonight if you wanna come with? Could get your mind off things?”
He smiled, thankful for his sister's endless support. No matter how much he pushed her away, she just didn’t budge. “Thanks Pan, but that's okay. I think I need a night to ruminate.”
“You and your big fucking words.”
“You and your big fucking words.”
He brushed off the line, smiling at his sister. He sat with them and watched a movie, feeling somewhat like a third wheel as the girls laughed through the shitty rom-com that Evan was embarrassingly interested in. Eventually they left and Evan got himself comfortable on the couch, just thinking. He usually couldn’t stand the silence, but right now the idea of any sort of noise made his head hurt. Quiet breeds breakdowns, but maybe that was what he needed.
When he looks back on what happened, it’s hard to see exactly where it went wrong. When relationships end, you can usually tell that something is wrong beforehand. It’s a gradual thing, like snow melting. You don’t really grieve until it’s really all gone. He and Barty had been attached at the hip and one day it had just been different.
Slowly, Barty had slipped between his fingers. Three years of loving the boy were replaced by hardly talking. They didn’t kiss, there was no intimacy. They were hardly friends. And then it ended. It was just gone. No matter how hard Evan had tried to figure it out, he still couldn’t quite tell what had happened.
The problem with no one knowing they were together was that no one knew they had been together. Evan couldn’t look for support, he couldn’t talk about Barty, he couldn’t ask his friends for help. He just had to sit back, watching Barty talk to them like it never happened. They had this whole future planned out and then it was gone and no one would ever know it was even meant to exist.
It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen Barty since the break up. They just hadn’t talked. Their friend group still existed, though they hung out a bit less since graduating a year ago. Evan had lived with Barty for just a few months, then things got cold. Then he started sleeping at his sister's house, and eventually he just didn’t go back home. Last time they all saw each other was three months ago. Barty had been quiet the whole night and Evan had secretly watched him the whole time. He saw Barty fiddling with his rings like how he always would when he was nervous. Barty had left after an hour, conversation seemed easier after that.
He looked at his phone again, thumb hovering over the call button. It was late now, he doubted Barty would even pick up. He wanted to so bad, but he couldn’t do that to himself. He couldn’t confront Barty on anything, because what if he got the answer that he knew was coming? What if Barty confirmed the very memories he had done nothing but try to suppress? There were reasons Evan couldn’t remember much from when they broke up, and there were reasons he was okay with that.
He pressed the button.
It rang and rang. Evan was certain he wasn’t going to pick up. Maybe he was asleep? Maybe he had just moved on. God knows they both should have by now. Still, he holds his breath until the ringing stops.
Barty picked up.
“Evan?” He can’t do it. His hands are shaking as he hangs up. Maybe Barty will think it was nothing more than a butt dial? He doesn’t need to know.
“No one has to know.”
“Our secret.”
Evan pockets his phone, choking back the sobs that are prying their way out of his throat. He can’t cry. It’s unacceptable. Fuck it. He finds his sister's liquor cabinet, remembering what he said about ‘help yourself to anything in the kitchen!’ A bottle of rum counted right?
He downs as much as he can stomach before the bitterness makes his expression curdle. The burn in the back of his throat is the closest thing he can find to love right now. He seeks it out like a stray to a proper meal, needed to be satiated. When his head starts to spin he at least has the sense to put the bottle away, tucking himself into a corner of his own body.
He’s stuck. He doesn’t know where in life he’s going anymore. He hasn’t since his entire life was flipped on its head. His life had been a repeat of this cycle since that night.
Evan isn’t sure what time it is when he wakes up. His head was pounding and the light from his window felt blinding. He hated drinking. He checked his phone to see the text he’s been waiting for for half a year.
Bats 🦇
Hi
He doesn’t know what he’s meant to reply. Much to his guilt, he leaves Barty on read. He’d rather continue this facade of not caring instead of going through this again. He tries not to leave his room that day. Isn’t it sad that he can’t get over this? Isn’t it sad that Barty’s probably already moved on? The world slows down, he feels like he’s sleeping. Maybe he is? Maybe Evan will wake up in his shared bed with Barty, his arms around the boy's waist. He’ll breathe in and smell that way too strong deodorant that Barty always insisted was the best one.
But that doesn’t happen. He just rests there, immobile, remembering the way things used to be. No one comes to check on him, he should have expected that. Evan is rotting. He is being forgotten about slowly and doing nothing to stop it and he is rotting. It’s something that happens so slowly that no one will really notice until one day he just won’t be there. Maybe it’s deserved on his part. Maybe this is karma for whatever he has done in his life.
Fuck it?
Evan
Hey
It was read immediately.
Bats 🦇
you claled me earlier
wanted to now why
called*
Evan
Yeah
Accident srry
Bats 🦇
oh
Evans' phone went quiet for a while until he felt the faint buzz against his hand.
Bats 🦇
reggie was talking abt inviting u to a party hes hosting
ur sister will be there
Evan
Will you be there?
Bats 🦇
i live with him so ya
Evan
Ill think about it
Thanks
Bats 🦇
np
Alright that was it.
He was going to be in the same house as Barty, whilst being around alcohol and who knows what else. This was nothing short of a recipe for disaster.
So Evan set a plan.
He had two weeks to find something to distract him from Barty. He could make that work, probably.