spider webs (and other sticky substances)

“Don’t you, Bella?”

Okay. That was insaaaane. 

You know what was more insane though? That last chapter. Oh, and Regulus motherfucking Black being Spider-Man? Did you guys know that? ‘Cause James sure as fuck didn’t.

But okay. He was so fine with his two crushes being the same person. Sirius, however? Nah, he wouldn’t be. 

Well, it’s not like Sirius would get to figure out, anyways, because his BABY BRO WAS ABOUT TO FUCKING DIE!

James watched in silence (that’s a first) as Bellatrix Black unmasked Regulus Black and then James Potter and then brought down Rita Skeeter.

Like, if the author was there that rascal would have flirted with everybody in the room. With no shame. 

Today was a flop day. Not because James died, but because the bullets hadn’t made that little ‘clink’ sound as his flesh forced them out, so they were probably floating somewhere in James’ liver.

As Regulus held the gun to his own head (really sexy, by the way- okay James, not the time), he looked at James. Not one that Bellatrix could see, but one that James was meant to understand. He didn’t, by the way. He was confused as fuck.

He could see guards trickle in from the floors above them and other doors, guns at the ready. He furrowed his brows and shook his head at Spider-Man- Regulus- slightly.

Regulus rolled his eyes, gun still held to his temple, and looked up at Bellatrix, who had started looking slightly more frantic.

“Tell me, Bellatrix,” he drawled. “Do you remember, when we were kids, and we went to Italy that one summer, and our parents told us to stay in our rooms, and told us not to BREAK THE RULE. But you know, we did, and Andromeda went downstairs and drank enough expensive old-timey wine to KILL herself, while we had to wait outside the wine cellar acting as… like… GUARDS? … DEADPOOL.

Okay, and James wasn’t obtuse, he got the message.

“Are you on bath salts?” Bellatrix asked, sounding weirdly genuine. “That never happen-”

James had taken one of his adamantium pocket knives out the lining in his suit (didn’t think of that, huh goons?) (Shoutout Lily!) and cut through the (also adamantium, but less enforced) chains tying him to the corner of the room in one practiced motion, sparks flying, before launching himself across the floor on his side to swiftly cut through Regulus’ ropes and be handed his gun.

“You sure?” He huffed, kicking one of the guards that immediately came running. “I can go batshit Weapon-X?”

“Yes, fuckhead, go,” Regulus replied breathlessly, also trying to hold back a few guards.

Okay, one downside: he didn’t have Bea and Arthur, his beloved katanas (love you, ladies!)

So he would have to make do.

James rammed his elbow in one guard’s face, taking the faltering to nick his gun, and did the same to three other guards.

So he was holding two guns, and had two in his holsters (he didn’t have all his gun capacity taken up, so there was always room for improvement), and was currently looking for rebuilding his inventory, pocketing whatever the guards he KO’d had on them.

He had once killed a mark in an abandoned grocery store using no weapons and only the expired tin cans in a stack and a half-broken bottle. This was a walk in the park.

James had successfully unalived at least fifteen guards, or at least maimed them. It was like a dance. For him, probably not the other guys. He could almost hear Clair de Lune in the background if he zoned out just enough.

While he was beating up those baddies, Spidey had taken care of Bellabitch and Rititty, webbing them up (he wasn’t unscathed, though).

Most of the guards had fleed after realising James’ kill ratio and that he wasn’t being held back by Spider-Man’s good guy morals, which meant they had to leave. There were at least three hundred guards patrolling the tunnels, but only the ones permitted in the warehouse were wearing green sunglass-thingies. James was sure some Charli XCX worshipping #fashiontok-er could make them work in the right circumstances, but those guys definitely didn’t.

“Hey man,” James said breathlessly, jogging up the steps where Spidey had webbed Rita and Bellatrix. “Um, we gotta dip. And- didn’t they take your webshooters?”

“Yeah, natural webbing. Spinnerets. They’re pretty fuckin’ ugly.”

Sexy.

James was drooling. As are you, dear reader. 

“Cool. Coolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcoolcool.”

“Shut up.” He turned his attention to Bellatrix. “Can we trust you crazy kids to stay un-villain-y while we go ruin your company? Good.”

They were looking rather unimpressed, really. Mouth webbed shut, Bellatrix just raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow and blinked her perfectly done lashes and perfect winged eyeliner and office siren smokey eye- okay, James is getting off track. Those Black family cousins will do that to ya.

Ignoring the unsettling pit in his stomach, James and Regulus started booking it up floors, looking through all the doors for an entrance into the tunnels. 

“Uh, Deadpool?” Regulus called.

“Yo?” James peeked his head out from the door in which he had found the steps down into the tunnels.

“There’s a door to the main control tech system, I’ll-I’m gonna go down and try to get us reconnected to S.H.I.E.L.D and you can head down and… beat up some symbiote containers, I guess.”

“Okay. Great,” James nodded, pulling out another Deadpool mask out of one of his pouches, pulling it on, watching as Regulus’ eyes widened in recognition. “What?”

“The-the tuft thingy at the back of your head, with the mask. I figured your mask was too big. Or you were bald. But it’s your hair. That- actually makes a lot more sense.”

“You thought I was bald?”

“Okay, go now.”

“Right.”

🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️

After beating up some bitch-ass guards and some symbiote holding cells, James had a… really big group of restless symbiotes flying around an underground tunnel.

And, as if premeditated, and totally not fanfiction, the comms came back on, Minnie’s voice coming through clear as day.

“Deadpool.”

“Minnie!” James faltered, earning him a punch to the jaw from an especially energetic symbiote.

“I hear you’re in the symbiote room.”

“Yes!”

“In the tunnels.”

“Yes!”

“Got rid of all the guards near you?”

“Yes!”

“Did you break the containment cells? You shouldn’t have.”

“...Yes!”

“You did?”

“Yes!”

“...Right. I need you to…-” clacking on her keyboard. “Get out of there as stealthily as possible and bolt the door shut. We’ll get agents down there to do symbiote control later.”

“Okay. I can do that.”

Looking at all the symbiotes now crawling around the floor with their non-bodily symbiote eyes looking directly at him. Not lovingly.

🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️

Yawning, James stabbed a guard in the nuts, skipping over to Regulus, who was coming down into the tunnels.

“Okay, so I found something. All those guards you killed? Bellatrix has been hiring former broken out or unjailed felons. And, like, bad felons. I found their files. Child abusers, assaulters, snipers - the whole deal. So don’t feel bad about killing them.”

“I didn’t.”

“...Oh. Well, I did.”

“We needa go to Bellaboobieholes and Ritoesucker. Swing us up there. Oh, and here-” James pulled a Spider-Man mask out of one of his pouches, handing it to a confused Regulus, who pulled it over his half-sweaty hair.

“Come on.” He grabbed James’ upper arm and made the motion for his webs to start working. His gloves were off, so James assumed that was for more space for the natural webbing to come out. Instead of a signature Spider-Man strong web (innuendo intended), a thin string of actual spider web material came out of his wrist, maybe three inches long. 

“Is… that meant to fly?” James asked.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuck,” Regulus breathed out, pressing the heel of his palms to his eye lenses. “I haven’t eaten or drank water in a while. The integrity of my natural webs is extremely temperamental. This- this is why Evan gave me webshooters.”

“OH. MY. GOD. Evan is your manager dude? HOLY SHIT!”

“...Yes? And yours is Lily, I assume? Did you not connect the dots?”

“NO!”

“Okay, whatever, we’re running.”

🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️

“Oh my god, where have those objectively attractive mofos gone?” James asked when they got back to the warehouse, looking over the railing of the third floor.

“Okay. Ew.” Spider-Man said snottily. “That’s my cousin.”

“Okay, and? She’s objectively attractive. Not more than you though, baby boy.”

“There!” He hissed, pointing down to where Bellatrix was strutting, unarmed (and with an outfit change?), head bobbing to invisible music, curls bouncing.

While looking at Bellatrix, confusedly, James didn’t notice Rita standing behind him. She tapped his shoulder.

“Hey, Jamesie.” She whispered before sweeping his legs out under him (with HEELS?) and pressing the heel (OF HER HEELS?) into the base of his spine, making a concerning crackling sound. “There’s somebody behind you.”

“What the shitcookies?” He groaned, flipping around and sending a sideways punch into the back of her knee.

While he was grappling with this random reporter wearing three inch heels and Givenchy sunglasses on her head, Spider-Man was doing a feat of very impressive hand-to-hand combat with his cousin, who was murmuring things to him that were obviously bothering him.

While they fought those weirdly capable women on the third floor, they all inched closer to the centre of the where the staircase was continued down to the main ground floor. It was a long concrete staircase going down the middle of all five floors in the warehouse, going down to the ground floor. A skylight was sending the moon’s light down the expanse of the stairs, accompanied by the fluorescent half-shot out and flickering warehouse lights. 

It was a full moon.

Bellatrix and Rita were back-to-back, and sending both James and Regulus flying towards each other, most of the time. James had fought Rita, Regulus had fought Rita, Regulus had fought Bellatrix, James had fought Bellatrix and Regulus and James had fought each other. 

But somehow Rita and Bellatrix never ended up throwing an accidental punch at each other.

They had inched Rita and Bellatrix to the top of the staircase, but while they fought, they were too busy to notice two symbiotes dutifully making their way up the stairs.

Directly to Rita and Bellatrix.

“Deadpool!” Regulus had yelped when he saw them, taking a step back.

James could do nothing but watch as the symbiotes engulfed Bellatrix and Rita.

“Shiiit,” he breathed out as they grinned their slimy symbiote teeth at each other and their tendrils shot them both out of the skylight.

*sigh*

Sapphics.

🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️

S.H.I.E.L.D agents had already started loading symbiotes away, and Regulus and James had collapsed, slumping against the concrete wall of the warehouse and tugged their masks off.

“What the fuck.” Regulus murmured.

“What the fuck indeed.” James agreed. “Okay, first, it’s you. That’s insane.”

“Not as insane as it being you.”

“Well. We have some shit to talk about.”

“Yeah, can we not do that… here?” Regulus gestured to the broken glass and blood around them. “I found my webshooters, by the way.” He held up his hands lazily. 

“Great. Carry me. I’m fuckin’ beat.”

🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️

“Can we go to Coney Island?” James asked, on Spidey’s back as he webbed his way through New York.

It was around 3:30 am, and uncharacteristically warm. Or maybe that was just the adrenaline.

“No, but we can get the next best thing.” Regulus said, landing them at top of a closed down ferris wheel.

“Yo!” James settled onto the metal frame, teetering dangerously while grinning like a lunatic.

Regulus settled next to him, hip-to hip looking at the water below. Their backs were to the skyline, and there was a skyscraper near them. 

They sat in silence for a minute, before:

“I’m sorry.” They both said at the same time. “What? Why are you sorry? I’m sorry.”

“ I’m sorry that I went against your one rule and killed those guards.” James said. “I’m… a black hole of need… and a little trigger-happy.

“A little? You’re fuckin’, trigger ecstatic! Well, I’m … sorry that I blew up about you killing those guards, because, if I’m for real, I’m not that mad about the killing - I let you kill all those guards that saw our faces just before, remember?”

“Well… if you weren’t mad about the killing, why were you mad?”

“...James.”

Oof. Heart skipped a beat there.

“...Regulus?”

“My parents. Signature killing burrito.”

“...Oh. OH. Ohh, fuck. I’m so stupid, baby boy, oh-oh my god, I’m so sorry-”

“No, no, it’s- don’t apologise. I’m not sad about them, it just- shocked me.” They were still looking into the distance. “I… went to regroup and I ran into Dopinder.”

“Yeah, he does that.”

“He… told me about your tendencies to be rash in your decisions about people you… fuck- you… care about. And that you probably killed them with good intentions.”

“Right. We love Dopinder, with his twiggy arms and Bubble Guppies-esque heart.”

“Anyways. It’s just… don’t apologise for it. I don’t really care. As long as the no killing rule is, from here on out, kept true.”

James nodded. “Damn straight.”

They sat in silence for half a minute.

“Do you?” Regulus asked, keeping his head straight and looking forward.

“Do I what?” James turned his head around to look at the side of the Spider-Man mask, pulled all the way down while James’ was at his nose.

“...Care. About me.” Spidey said hesitantly.

James sighed, turning around and straddling the metal rim as Spidey’s eyes followed his motion cautiously, turning his head. “Okay. Spidey, Spides, Bugaboo, sweetie. I… don’t… think… there could ever be a universe where I don’t care about you. This is not a clever segue into that spider-verse-multiverse shit.-”

“What?”

“-But, you know, I care - a lot - about Spider-Man, and I know you’re thinking it, but Spider-Man being Regulus Black changes absolutely nothing for me. I mean, I cared for Spider-man, and then I cared for Sirius’ baby bro who also happens to look really hot in a Nightwing cosplay-”

“ Oh my god, Pandora sent you that?”

“-So it actually means I care about Regulus Black, times two. Squared.-”

“Shut up.”

“-To the tenth power.-”

“I’m gonna slap you.”

“-Extra piled up on top of each other like ice cream-”

Regulus drew his hand to slap James on the upper arm, but as James tried to squirm around to get  away, he lost his grip on the metal frame, falling off it.

Oopsie daisies.

Spidey gasped, hand going out to shoot a web, when James grabbed the frame with one hand, dangling off it, heaving himself up. 

“Muscles,” he grinned. Thank fuck Regulus could see James with the bottom part of his mask pulled up now - made grinning cockily way clearer.

“We should move locations. Good for all that sappy talk, but I don’t think sitting on a ferris wheel is good for your jitteryness.”

He grabbed James’ upper arm, shooting a web out to web them to the top of a nearby skyscraper as the wind whipped loudly at their ears.

“I don’t hate you either.” Regulus yelled over the wind.

“HUH?” 

“I DON’T HATE YOU EITHER!” Regulus yelled louder, landing them on the roof.

“Wait… really?”

“...Yeah. But don’t let it get to your hea-”

“Oh my gee! Spider-Man doesn’t hate me! I’m telling everyone,” James leaned over the edge to yell down to New York.

“NO- stop,” Regulus hissed, trying to pull him back.

 “SPIDER-MAN DOESN’T HATE ME!” James yelled, echoing through the city that didn’t sleep. 

He knew it didn’t sleep because someone yelled at them to shut the fuck up from the ground.

“By the way, Rita and Bellatrix were totally dating.”

“Wha- really?”

“Oh yeah, totally. Dating to the max. It would be kinda cute if they weren’t trying to kill us. Murder wives, I guess.”

“So, anyways, what’dya wanna do? We can get McFlurries from the open 24/7 Mcdonald’s, but apparently those machines don’t work in America,” James started, standing up and skipping around the roof, dodging water tanks and electricity units, Regulus following slightly confusedly.

“We can go get some food at a twenty-four hour convenience store. You know, once the Slurpee machine exploded all over my suit? Lily was so pissed, like ‘who did you kill this time? Blah blah blah, I’m a ginger,’ and I was all, ‘ I dunno Lils, but you’ve just gotta clean it up, because I can’t really do anything about that,’ and then she was all ‘ those managers should’ve paid you’ and I was like ‘ uhh, okay Lily, do I just go up to them and say ‘ hey guys, just email me your bank details at [email protected] , kay?’’ and you’re not stopping me so I’m not really sure where I’m meant to stop talking so I’m just gonna keep talking until I run out of oxygen and pass out or die or fall off the roof-”

“Deadpool.”

“-Except I’m not really sure how I’m gonna fall off if I’m talking,-

“Deadpool.”

“-Hey, it was so crazy how I just fell off the ferris-”

“Deadpool.”

“-And then my massive muscles caught me, I’m not really sure how, but I guess it’s like muscle memor-”

“ JAMES!”

“Yeah?” James asked sweetly. “Oh. We’re doing it again, aren’t we?”

“Yep.” And Regulus grabbed both sides of James’ face, shoved him into the brick pillar behind him and rammed their lips together.

Huzzah! 

Too desperate? Okay, yeah. He was.

🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️

“Is this alright?” Regulus panted against James’ mouth.

“ Alright?” James scoffed. “Baby boy, this is heavenly .”

James flipped them around so Regulus had his back to the brick pillar, caging him in, pulling the Spider-Man mask off and licking into his mouth.

If James was more conservative, he would say that it definitely wasn’t a ‘tongues battle for dominance’ moment, but it totes was.

James slotted his thigh in between Regulus’ nipping at his jaw (!) and neck, trailing down.

“Spidey,” he looked at Regulus.

“Yeah?” He breathed out.

James gave him the look. 

“... James. We can’t, what if someone sees us?”

“Well then,” James smirked, kneeling down. “I guess you’ll just have to keep watch, won’t you?”

The Spider-Man suit was a two-piece - it had an ‘emergency’ zipper at the waist to just pull the pants down.

“Hmm, smart, baby boy, looking forward to getting laid.”

“Ah- I- fuck you, Evan.”

“Not without me,” James grinned, winking up at Regulus before pulling the suit’s pants down along with Regulus’ underwear, throwing it into the deepest depths of… to the side, and deepthroating Regulus’ cock like he wanted to choke on it (he did, very very much).

Regulus bucked into James’ mouth, moaning softly, hands fumbling as he pulled James’ mask off and tangled his fingers in his hair.

James’ hands trailed up Regulus’ legs, stopping just before his ass (not yet, horny readers!) and pulled his legs up and over James’ shoulders while licking the underside of Regulus’ dick.

Have you ever had maple syrup dripped into your ears? A bottle per ear? Okay, no, bad analogy, that’s pretty icky, but that’s what it was like to hear Regulus motherfucking Black’s whimpers and moans while the head of his cock hit the back of James’ neck.

Regulus rolled his hips into James’ mouth, and for being such a talkative guy, the only things on James’ mind was more, fuck, and maple syrup, now that he had to supply you with the analogy.

He would really like to lick maple syrup off the Greek god standing in front of him- dude, see? He’s not gonna be able to stop thinking about Canadian people’s wet dreams while his actual wet dream in occurring right in front of his eyes!

James’ hand is curved around Regulus’ hip and his thumb was rubbing his hipbone, doing all the tricks he had learned over the years with his tongue.

“How… the fuck…” Regulus panted. “Are you not a hooker?”

“Well,” James pulled off him (followed by an annoyed breathy whine). “My first girlfriend - Lily - left me because she saw me trying to fit massive katanas into holders two sizes too small while wearing a leather-spandex blend suit. It was then that she realised she was a lesbian.”

“I still think you’re a hooker- ahh, ” Regulus dissolved into moans as James went back to sucking him off mid-sentence, hollowing out his cheeks around Regulus’ cock.

“You’re so lucky I’m too horny to think of a name for your dick,” James muttered hoarsely. 

“You talk too much.” Regulus stated before jutting his hips forward into James’ mouth.

James looked up at Regulus while humming, so the vibrations went straight to the base of Regulus’ cock, and he threw his head back, slamming it against the brick. 

“Fucking- cow eyes.”

Oh. Oh. Ohh. He was the cow eyes guy! James Potter was the cow eyes guy! He was unnecessarily jealous about that.

Regulus made an especially special set of gasps and moans, signalling he was close to cumming. Of course, James, ever the anti-hero, couldn’t let that happen. He pulled off with a pop as Regulus groaned in disappointment, whacking James’ head from where his fingers were tangled in his hair, lightly tugging at his luscious locks.

“Fuck you.”

“Hey, don’t get mad at the motherfucker who’s gonna sex you.”

“You edged me! You aren’t sexing me at all!”

“Oh my- hold on, this isn’t a business transaction, let me be sensual.”

James rolled his eyes dramatically before reaching into one of his pouches and bringing out a ‘Cherry Very NOT-Vanilla Bomb’ bottle of portable lube. He popped open the cap, grinning devilishly up at Regulus, who rolled his eyes, fighting a snort at James’ antics.

“I’m gonna stick my fingers in you.” James giggled. 

Slick.

“Turn around.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow, turning around. “I’m pretty sure that’s not how you finger peop-“ Regulus was cut off by James slapping his ass so loud it echoed through all of fucking New York, making a low sound in the back of his throat bordering on angry and aroused.

“Sorry, sorry,” James snorted. “I had to. I’ve been wanting to do this for years. Okay, real thing, turn back around.”

James took the top part of the Spider-Man suit off and HOLY SHIT naked Regulus Black was beautiful. His skin was like marble (James will be making white boy jokes later), the odd smattering of freckles against lean muscle (muscle!) and abs (abs!) He still had still-healing cuts from earlier around his side, and his ribs were visibly bruised. If James was less hard, he would’ve asked if Regulus was alright to continue. 

But guess what? 

He wasn’t less hard.

“I’m feeling a bit bare,” Regulus joked, raising an eyebrow at James, who goon-grinned and started stripping his Deadpool suit off fumbling a bit with all the zippers and straps.

Once he was in just his boxers, he leaned forward and kissed Regulus again, and Regulus jumped up, wrapping his legs around James’ waist. Without looking away, James coated his hand in lube, ghosting his finger over Regulus’ hole.

“Is this okay?” He breathed.

“Yes, fuck,” Regulus rolled his eyes. Oh, James was going to fuck that attitude out of him soon.

James, without warning, slid his index finger in, followed by Regulus’ breathy moans in his ear. 

“You good?”

Regulus just moaned in response. James took that as a yes.

He circle his second finger, letting Regulus adjust to the first, before sliding it in.

Regulus leaned forward and bit James’ shoulder. Just fucking bit it. With fried pain receptors, James liked it. A lot. THOSE FANGS, good god.

Thank god James cut his nails before meeting up with Spidey all the time in hopes that this specific scenario would happen.

Regulus inhaled, bringing his head back and kissing James while he pumped his fingers in Regulus. 

“Can you do one more?” James murmured in his mouth.

“Mhm,” Regulus hummed in approval, before James started the ascent of his third digit.

“ Fuckk, ” Regulus breathed out, biting back into James’ shoulder.

James, feeling mischievous, curled his fingers in Regulus, inciting a new wave of moaning, meaning he hit the fabled… prostate. The… G-Spot. (Everybody cheer for James for doing what most men can’t!)

“F-fuck James, gonna… gonna-”

“Cum? Can’t let that happen.” James snorted, pulling his fingers out.

Regulus groaned, arching his back into James. James walked forward, Regulus’ back hitting the brick again.

Goddamn, this pillar’s gonna collapse .

Lining up his cock (already wet with precum, thank you very much) with Regulus’ hole, he smirked up at him.

“We’re gonna pull a February 1 2003 in this bitch.” 

“ Merde”

James gaped. “You’re French? Of course you are, I knew that. Really sexy, by the way. Ooh la la.”

“Nobody says that in France. Unless they’re road raging” Regulus rolled his eyes.

Then he shoved his godly dick in.

(Everybody cheer for James again, getting that ass)

“You okay?” He asked ask Regulus threw his head back probably cracking the brick with his freaky 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 strength.

“ Ngh… yeah, yeah I’m fine, start-start moving.”

That was all James needed to start sporadically thrusting into Regulus like he was jamming the fuck out to Crazy In Love, muttering sweet nothings that obviously made Regulus incredibly reactive.

James shifted, brushing a whole new spot in Regulus that had him arching his back and panting and swearing in French even more.

If Regulus was Spider-Man, then James was a fly. We’ll, he would like to think he was a bit more muscular than that, but the metaphor’s right there.

James wouldn’t even be able to recall what happened after, because it was just him, Regulus, Regulus’ ass, James’ dick and their bodies.

He might’ve asked Regulus where he wanted it when he came, and Regulus might’ve said “in me”, but James genuinely really didn’t know.

They climaxed at the same time, both of them groaning into each other as they came.

James pulled out and they collapsed on the rooftop, looking at the rising sun and the city skyline, where people were already in their suits milling around with morning coffee.

James already had his morning shot of caffeine: one pretty boy’s cum sticky substances.

There you have it folks, the second half of the title. (HE SAID THE NAME OF THE MOVIE IN THE MOVIE! HE SAID THE NAME OF THE MOVIE IN THE MOVIE!)