man (regulus), fuck(ing) deadpool
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?”
Oh damn.
Regulus and James had been on patrol the night before. After they stumbled in through Regulus’ bedroom window, almost braining themselves on separate pieces of furniture, they managed to lazily tug their suits off, stuff them under the bed and get into civvies before passing out. (Correction: Regulus got into a pair of sweatpants, James was just in his boxers.)
Terrific position to be in when Regulus’ older brother (A.K.A James’ best friend) barges into his room at 11:00 am.
James jolted awake at the yelling.
“I’M AWAKE!- Oh, what’s up Sirius?” He looked at Regulus, still asleep curled up against his side, and back at Sirius. “...What’s up, Sirius?” He said more cautiously.
“ WHAT’S UP? MORE LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?” Sirius yelled frantically, waving between them two looking uncomfortably like an Oompa Loompa.
Regulus woke up then, stretching his arms up over his head and yawning like a cat.
“Oh, what’s up, Sirius?”
“STOP SAYING THAT! WHAT IS THIS?” Sirius seemed to be getting more frantic with each passing word.
“This is a bed, Sirius,” Regulus said in a mock-coaxing voice. “You know, the thing you and your uncomfortably tall slenderman boyfriend with an uncomfortably good taste in literature sleep in.”
“Or… not sleep in, if you catch my drift.” James added.
“Ew, don’t say that.”
“Uh- NO! STOP! THIS IS- WHAT THE FUCK? MY BEST FRIEND AND MY TINY INFANT BABY BROTHER? Are you guys fucking?”
To be honest, Regulus wasn’t that worried about it. He and Sirius had developed a good relationship, obviously for the first few weeks, they tried to make a point to see each other every few days. After lots of yelling and lots of crying and lots of wine, they were semi-alright. They could both confirm that it went uphill from there.
He knew he was safe. He couldn’t say the same about James.
“Yup.” He nodded, smirking.
Sirius’ eyes blazed like the innards of Prometheus, and he pulled a wooden spoon out from behind his back, stalking over to James.
“ Excuse me?”
“Wh- what? Why do you have that?” James jumped up, crawling backwards away from him on the bed.
“I heard snoring. Reggie doesn’t snore. I freaked out.” Sirius shrugged. “And this isn’t about me. How long has this been going on- OH MY GOD! OHH MY GOD! YOU-YOU TWO WENT TO NEW YORK! AT THE SAME TIME! REGGIE! YOU WENT FOR PHOTOGRAPHY, AND EVAN TOLD ME YOU GOT YOUR FOOT STUCK IN A SUBWAY GRATE!”
“Man, fuck Evan,” Regulus grumbled.
“JAMES! JAMES! LILY SAID YOU WERE AWAY ON A BEAUTY SPA RETREAT!”
A pause.
“...Yes. I was definitely on a beauty spa retreat in New York. Thank you, Lily. For informing my other friends of my doings in New York. Which was a beauty spa retreat.” James said slowly, blinking quickly.
“YOU TWO!” Sirius continued. “I AM SO SHOCKED! THIS IS, BY FAR, THE MOST SIGNIFICANT THING THAT’S HAPPENED THIS WEEK!”
“Didn’t you, Peter and Mary go shopping two days ago and not buy anything?” James asked, crossing his arms (drool) over his chest (drool) and raising an eyebrow.
“Oh… right. Second most significant thing that’s happened this week.”
“Sirius.” Regulus butted in, mirroring James’ expression. “Are you really that mad?”
“Oh,” he scoffed. “ Am I that mad? Well, heh, let me tell you, Regulus, I… am actually not. Huh, I’m not.”
He sat down on the end of Regulus’ bed, deep in thought.
“Nah. I’m not mad. I will be giving you both the shovel talk later though.”
“Oh. That’s good.” James smiled. “So you’re not mad about me boning your little brother? Creaming that donut hole? Braving the trenches of the manhood? Buttering the meat? Greasing the ol’ pole? Making the dark chocolate hole the white chocolate hole-AH! NO I’M SORRY!”
James yelped as Sirius started whacking him with the wooden spoon, chasing him around Regulus’ flat yelling about it being Christmas Eve and ruining the holly-jollyness, James retorting about how him and Regulus get very holly and very jolly very often, then getting whacked again.
Ladies and gentlemen, infamous ex-merc and current superhero.
Speaking of the other superhero in the house, Regulus sighed, stretching again, spreading all his four limbs (five, if ya nasty) over the expanse of his bed, and fell back asleep to the sweet, sweet melody of Sirius and James’ panicked yells.
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“How in the everloving fuck are you wearing that?” Regulus asked James as they walked to the Coffee Bean Cafe in civvies.
“What?”
“Those shorts. It’s freezing dude.”
“Okay, first,” James scoffed. “They’re jorts? Obviously. And they go down to my knees. It’s so fine.”
“They go down to your knees because they’re baggy.”
“Well… whatever. I’m not cold.”
And he probably wasn’t. Regulus ran cold - something to do with spider thermoregulation or something. James, however, with his insane metabolism and constant regenerating, was like a furnace - it’s honestly, like, he’s a piece of the sun or something.
Regulus rolled his eyes as they rounded into the store.
“You sit down, I’ll get our drinks.” James said, pointing to two empty chairs.
Regulus sat down, reaching into his backpack (he had to fight James on carrying it himself - he won with the argument of super strength) and pulling out a book.
Five minutes later, James came back with his hot chocolate (extra marshmallows) and Regulus’ coffee.
“What’s good, cutie? You come here often?” He winked exaggeratedly.
“I will steal your kneecaps and crush them up and charge you exorbitant prices for them back.”
“And I would pay those exorb-whatever-the-fuck-you-said prices,” James goon-grinned, crossing his arms on the table and putting his cheek on his forearms, flashing those fucking cow eyes at Regulus.
Regulus just rolled his eyes in response.
“So, what’cha reading ‘bout?” James asked.
Regulus sat up in his seat, leaning forward excitedly. “Quantum. Entanglement.”
James, still grinning, furrowed his brows in confusion, corners of his mouth coming down in perplexment
“Okay,” Regulus said, hands paused midair, gathering his thoughts. “Imagine, that there are two particles existing in a state of superposition, where they simultaneously occupy multiple states until measured. Okay?”
James paused, obviously half-not getting it. “Of course, my refined consort.”
“Okay, good. So, basically,” Regulus started, eyes shining in excitement. “When these particles get entangled, their states become so… intertwined that the measurement of one instantly determines the state of the other, regardless of the distance between them.”
“Ohh, I get it,” James nodded. “Like you and me.”
Regulus deadpanned, staring at him.
“Okay, okay,” he laughed. “So like the Three Body Problem?”
Regulus, knowing quite a bit about the Three Body Problem, pursed his lips, slowly shaking his head. “Are you just throwing around scientific terms?”
“...Yeah,” James admitted, taking a sip of his hot chocolate from the straw. “But, you know, I love that you have hobbies, even if they’re extremely unbelievably nerdy. But you know, I like that, sexy nerds.”
“Shut up.” Regulus rolled his eyes, lips quirking.
“Hey, you know,” James started, mischievous grin already forming. “It’s a bit chilly in here.” He unzipped his jacket, pulling it off to show off his skin-tight Spider-Man suit material shirt.
Regulus deadpanned, staring at him in disappointment. “Seriously?”
“Now we just need to get you a Deadpool one! Or maybe I’ll just strap Bea and Arthur to your back, tomato tomato.”
“You said that the same way.”
“Whatever. Potato potato.”
“You said that the same way too- whatever. You know, it pains me that you spend your money on that shit when you can literally take my authentic one.”
“You know baby boy, I like to think you get royalties when I buy this stuff. And, hate to break it to ya, I don’t think yours would fit me. I mean, you’ve seen us change ‘fits in the comics, it’s a bit too tight on my best bud Wade, so it’s gonna be a bit tight on me.”
“I could literally get Evan to make you one of your own Spider-Man suits. Actually, nevermind, that’s giving you too much power. And I think he’s still pissy about me saying that I only use emojis with Pandora, he wouldn’t do it anyways.”
“You WHAT ?” James asked, slamming his palm on the table in outrage.
Before Regulus could stammer out an excuse, Marlene came waltzing up to their table holding a plate of two cookies in the shape of candy canes.
“What’s up, boy?” She nodded at Regulus. “What’s up, loser?” She nodded at James, who gasped.
“Why, I never, the accommodation in this establishment is appalling. Boyfriend, we should leave. Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”
Marlene rolled her eyes.
“I have a popsicle you can blow, bitch. Sit back down. We need you two to check which food we should serve here tomorrow and the day after. You know, Christmas specials. Today is… well… what I’m holding , but after Cas and I’ll be coming around with more shit for you two to eat the fuck out of, and tell us which made your manussies quiver the most.”
They blinked at her owlishly before she shrugged, put the plate on the table and walked off.
James shrugged, taking a cookie and biting into the top half, where it curved. Regulus raised his eyebrows and blinked at him silently for a few seconds before he noticed two people walking into the cafe.
Holy shit.
His eyes widened and his hand flew to his mouth as Pandora and Xenophilius waltzed in together, arm in arm, both wearing candy cane costumes. Casually.
James’ jaw dropped, and he looked nauseously down at the half-bitten cookie and back up at the couple wearing the costumes. He would’ve bitten their heads clean off.
Holy shit.
Regulus covered his face with his hands. “This girl’s so insane.”
At that moment, Dorcas walked over, holding a plate in one hand and checking her lashes in a handheld compact mirror in the other.
“You guys done eating? Doesn’t matter. Here comes more foo-oh my god.” She stopped in her tracks, spotting Pandora and Xenophilius. “What the fuck.”
“What the fuck indeed,” Regulus agreed.
“I mean, at least they’re having fun,” James said, pointing to where they were giggling behind a menu.
“...Honestly.” Dorcas said, jutting her hip to the side and tilting her head. “He’s a good boyfriend.”
“Yeah, I definitely wouldn’t have done that if she asked me. “Regulus said.
“Yes you would.” James and Dorcas chorused in sync.
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James and Regulus had left the Coffee Bean (after getting a hug from Pandora and being smothered by her peppermint perfume), walking to the nearest LEGO store, when Regulus got a text.
annoying prick
hey regulus
hey evan
not evam
your bff
barry!
FUCK
AUROCORRECT
BARTY!
fuck you want
barry
>:(
Regulus rolled his eyes, looking away from his phone and to the side, passing a tech store.
The TV’s inside were playing the news. The Daily Bugle, to be specific. Where J. Jonah Jameson’s ugly rat face was red and yelling at a photo of Regulus peering over a subway grate to see a stray kitten inside when they were in New York.
James/Deadpool was beside him doing the Korean finger heart at the camera.
Of course, after, James held the cover of the grate open while Regulus hopped in and pulled the kitten out.
Of course, the Bugle had the headline of ‘ SPIDER-MENACE POISONING THE WATER IN NEW YORK! WHERE ELSE HAS HE POLLUTED? BREAKING NEWS AT 7 - WHO IS WEARING THE RONIN SUIT?’ ’
James grabbed him by the arm, pulling him into the LEGO shop. The mere sight of the shop made Regulus clammy. Why?
Because he scoped out James’ LEGO collection the last time he was over, taking note of what he didn’t have. Then he bought, like, five of those LEGO sports cars for James for Christmas, a few of which were apparently getting discontinued.
So you can probably guess why Regulus was stressed out.
Regulus dutifully trailed behind James as he excitedly bounced around the store.
“Yo!” James excitedly waved Regulus over, pointing at the model of the Porsche 911 LEGO car. Coincidentally, it was one of the cars Regulus had bought James. Shit. “They’re discontinuing this one this year!”
“Oh… you know,” Regulus said, huffing. “I heard… that they weren’t even discontinuing them… you know? It’s a marketing scheme… like… Marxism.” Regulus winced. Nice going, Regulus. Very believable, Regulus. Wonderful superhero, Regulus.
Regulus felt a buzz in his pocket again, glad to have an excuse to look away from James’ confused face.
annoying prick
**photo of Regulus and James standing in the LEGO store from above**
what the fuck
where are you
Regulus felt his Spidey sense tingle a split second before Barty and Evan literally dropped from the vent.
Nobody around even flinched.
“Here I am!” Barty grinned, bowing.
“Whaat the fuck,” James murmured.
“What are you doing?” Regulus massaged the bridge of his nose.
“What’s up, James?” Evan asked James, eyeing him like one of those hyenas in the Lion King (you can probably guess which movies James has been making Regulus watch to make up for his Disney-movie-less abuse-ful childhood).
“...Hi?”
That was precisely why Regulus hadn’t introduced James to Barty and Evan as his boyfriend yet. Because they were fucking insane, even in comparison to an ex-merc.
They stood behind Dorcas menacingly on almost every date she went on with Marlene that they knew about before officially dating. It stopped when they had to go on a fancy dinner date, and Barty and Evan rocked up in full suits, sunglasses and neon green Nerf guns, standing behind Dorcas as she sat across from Marlene.
But because Evan knew of both of their identities, that automatically made their meeting ten times worse.
“ Ha, did you hear that, B? He said ‘hi’, like a chump.” Evan scoffed, elbowing Barty.
“Speaking of chump, here you go.” Barty grinned, bringing out a handful of Spider-Man and Deadpool themed condoms from his pocket, handing them to James, who started promptly choking.
“Does he know?” Regulus mouthed to Evan, who shook his head.
“I found them on the tube.” Barty continued proudly. “They aren’t laced or anything. I think. I was just sitting down, and oh! Condoms! I know who needs those! And they’re mostly unopened so I’m pretty sure they aren’t radioactive. Or at least that’s what the guy who sold them to me said. Oops! I wasn’t meant to say that part.”
James, who was still partly choking at the photo of himself in-suit holding up a thumbs up in one hand and making a jerking off motion with the other, held the condoms out further from his body.
“Okay, thanks for the condoms. Can you leave?” Regulus asked, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow at Evan. His boyfriend had already gotten bored and left to go look at the LEGO sets.
“Okay okay, fine, geez,” Evan scoffed, holding his hands up and shrugging. “Hey James, high five.” He held his hand up for James to high five like a child (which he did) and at the last second, moved his hand away, patting Regulus on the shoulder instead. “Want me to get you and this guy a high chair and bib for Christmas?”
As he walked off, James sighed dejectedly.
“They hate me.”
“Nooo… yeah. Yeah they do.”
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“Ah,” James took a deep breath in. “This is so much better than the subway.”
They were in their suits and on the tube, going around looking for crime. Deadpool and Spider-Man had decided to go out one last time before Christmas - it was common knowledge that no vigilantes came out during Christmas, which was where the recluse, violent vigilantes came out. See: the Punisher, Red Hood types. So good luck to anybody that wanted to go all Jack Torrance on Christmas.
“You’ve got a new suit and mask,” Regulus said skeptically. “Can you even smell anything other than the weird S.H.I.E.L.D lab smell?”
“Well, I don’t like that smell, so I ask Lily to wash my mask. It smells like pine berries and sunshine!”
“...Right.”
Regulus looked down at his phone as it buzzed.
cissa
I am going to shoot myself.
morning sickness?
I am going to shoot myself.
real
You children are so apathetic. It’s sickening.
you’re like three years older than me be fr
It was definitely morning sickness. A day after the whole Bellatrix disappearance, Narcissa reached out to Regulus, letting him know that her baby boy was going to be named Draco, and after teasing about her keeping up the family constellation name tradition, she told him that he and Sirius were welcome to come visit her and Draco, when he was born.
It was insane how quickly Narcissa’s pregnancy went by. It wasn’t long before Draco was watching those Elsa and Spongebob slime videos on YouTube.
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“Now what do you have to say for yourself?” Regulus asked, hands on his hips looking up at some bad guy he had webbed to a wall. Attempted mugging. In broad daylight, too? Pathetic.
“I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to-”
“You didn’t mean to hold a knife to someone in an alley? That’s rich.” Regulus scoffed, checking his nails casually. “Now I’m sure you know what time it is.”
The mugger just blinked.
Regulus could practically hear the trombone sliding all Tom and Jerry style.
“No?” Regulus sighed dramatically. “Christmastime! Present wrapping baddies!”
He got to work - he had perfected his webbing bow the night before, and was completely prepared to tie a bow on the mugger’s mouth and a larger one on his midriff.
“Hey Spidey!” James/Deadpool skipped over from where he was helping the muggee get an Uber. “Ooh, nice placement. Put one on his crotch! No, wait, we’ll save that for the attempted assaulters. But you gotta kick the crotch before putting on a bow. Flat surface and all that- they’re always hard! It’s annoying.”
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“You wanna do something fun?” Regulus asked, turning to James/Deadpool.
“Ooh! Ooh! What?”
“Stealing from S.H.I.E.L.D and reckless webbing?”
“Wh- really?”
“Why not? We’ve got a day off tomorrow. Get on my back, let’s find the helicarrier.”
Half an hour later, they had procured a self-flying sleigh and a backpack to strap reigns to.
Then, for the next other half an hour, James and Regulus got the reigned backpack onto Regulus, who webbed his way around London while James sat in the sleigh tossing snowballs carelessly everywhere while wearing a Santa hat.
“Hoe Hoe Hoe! It’s Santa Pool! Deadpool Claus! Giddyup, Vixen!” He lifted his hand to whip Regulus with the reign. It didn’t even hit his ass. It hit his arm. “Sorry, sorry!” James squeaked when Regulus turned around to glare at him.
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“I’m surprised you haven’t made a snow angel.” Regulus remarked as he and James walked past a bookstore.
“How would I make snow, angel?” James asked.
“Oh my god. I’m not calling you angel, I’m talking about- whatever.”
“You wanna look at the books?” James asked, pointing at the bookstore. They were out of suit for a quick break from vigilante-ing, and it had started snowing, but there were still people milling around with umbrellas and coats. It was foggy, and Regulus could only clearly see the warm lighting, the buildings in the background fading away.
“...Yes.”
He grabbed James’ arm and pulled them in the store, immediately going to the back (it’s where the proper books are) and kneeling down (subconsciously doing the Spider-Man kneel) to look at the ones on the bottom row.
“Hey, this one’s meant to be good,” Regulus held up a book for James to look at.
“...Oh, that one? You know, I heard it wasn’t that good.”
“Yeah?”
“From… Remus. Yeah, he said it’s just overrated. Like… the… Bible.”
“...Okay?”
Ten minutes later, Regulus was making James carry seven books for him, walking up to the counter and putting them on the desk, waiting for the worker to get around to scan them.
There was a man standing behind them, with grey hair and rounded orange sunglasses carrying what seemed to be like comics - Tintin or something.
Noticing Regulus looking at him, he grinned widely. “Keep up the good work.”
…What?
There wasn’t anything for Regulus to ‘keep up’, unless…
No, that random ass old man wouldn’t know anything about Spider-Man.
These old people and their decaying minds.
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Regulus pulled his mask up to his nose and cradled the Chinese takeout box close to him, savouring the warmth.
James sat down next to him, holding his own takeout box, loudly sipping at his Coke. “Whoa, this shit is high up, how come we don’t hang out on this rooftop more?”
“It used to be too close to my flat.”
“Aw, baby boy, that hurts. You know I’d never do anything to jeopardise your identity,” James pouted.
“Right. Like talking to me about Sirius when we’re in suit.”
“...That was one time.”
“Seven times.”
“...Whatever. Words hurt.”
Just then, it started snowing again.
“It’s way too cold for this shit,” Regulus grumbled, shuffling closer to his personal heater James.
“Does Venom keep Eddie warm?” James asked.
“Fuck if I know, text him and ask.”
“Aw, come on Reggie, don’t be grouchy. Look at the pretty neon lights contrasting with the dark night sky! It’s like Vegas!”
“No it’s not.”
“...Okay, it’s like some other Doja Cat song. Don’t dampen my mood.”
“You’re not getting laid tonight”
“No wait, shit! Author! Backspace! Backspace! Leave your mediocre humour for another time!”
Regulus felt a buzz in his pocket.
“Check what I tweeted!”
“No.”
“Check what I tweeted!”
“No.”
Regulus checked anyway.
deadpool_official @fr_deadpool_!!!
merry rizzmas to ALL baddies from your superdads 😍🎄🎅
**AI generated photos of SM and DP holding up peace signs with a 0.5 view in an elevator with Christmas trees and garlands behind them**
_____Replies_____
spiderman_official @the_real_spidey
this is very obviously ai generated dumbass
↳deadpool_official @fr_deadpool_!!!
it certainly ‘generated’ ‘a’ boner for ‘i’
sirius.o.black @padfootsass
idc i ship yall sm
↳deadpool_official @fr_deadpool_!!!
RHANK YOUUU❤️❤️❤️
↳lily swift (𝒕𝒂𝒚𝒍𝒐𝒓’𝒔 𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏) @lilsevansss
sirius……
dodnfj•°. *࿐ @mootsch
aww i’m crying i love them sm
the grinch irl @dryhoe
ex MERCENARY my ass. deadpool is adorable
bannedin50cuntries☄. *. ⋆ @jo
“superdads” yall r dating im done
“You’re hilarious,” Regulus remarked dryly. “James Seinfeld.”
“I prefer to think of myself as a… Bugs Bunny type. Speaking of, that’s all folks!”
“...Wha-?”
“Will I get copyrighted for that? Oh well. I’m rich. Leave, guys. This chapter is over.”
“What are you doi-”
“Now! Leave! …Ohh, you don’t want to, because the writing’s too good. Yeah, I got it. What if I count you down?”
What the fuck was he saying. Regulus really had to get him checked for schizophrenia.
“3…2…1! …Guys. Leave. NOW! … Seriously will I get copyrighted for that Bugs Bunny line?”
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