spiderman collects pokemon cards, apparently
James woke up to see Spidey’s beautiful masked face leaning over him.
“Are you alright?” He asked, seemingly concerned.
“I remember… the Bees Gees… that 4chan is where the devil recharges his evilness… a bunch of quotes from Gilmore Girls… Spongebob’s laugh… the difference between a deer and stag… my favourite K-Drama…” James listed, ticking off everything on his fingers. “...Yeah that’s it. But it’s fine, ‘cause that’s all that there was before. Oh! And I love my friends. And you, Spidey, don’t mope,” James grinned, pulling Spiderman in for a hug, being immediately swatted away before Spidey eventually relented, leaning over James stiffly, letting him be hugged.
James gasped, looking around where he was laying down. He was laying down on a -rather comfy- bed, books piled everywhere- in the mahogany bookshelf tucked in the corner of the room next to the window, piled up to James’ knees around the bed. There were pages and posters on his wall, but not in the way James had posters of (admittedly) Spider-Man and his favourite sports players, but in the sense that, while his pop-culture interests were in poster form on his walls, they were covered by pages and pages of writing, whether that be just normal writing like poetry or biology diagram shit. There were clothes strewn over his floor and on his chair (that, honestly, didn’t look like a chair anymore). His desk was cluttered maniacally, with dirty dishes and half-finished cups of tea and uncapped pens (that didn’t turn into swords, unfortunately) and crumpled pieces of paper.
It smelled nice though.
Fucking hell, it smelled so bloody good.
Spider-Man had a natural musk, apparently, that made James buckle at the knees.
Speaking of knees, where were his?
Caught up in marvelling at Spidey’s room, James didn’t remember what had happened with Venom.
“Is he gone?” He murmured.
“Huh?” Spider-Man called from outside his room, coming back in and closing the door.
“Is he gone? Venom?”
“Oh, yeah, he’s at S.H.I.E.L.D. Also, while I dropped by I got you another suit. So your legs don’t poke out when they regrow.”
“Oh, thanks. This is your place, yeah?”
“No. I broke into some random person’s house. Their body parts are in the freezer as we speak.”
James huffed out a laugh before deadpanning. “Y-you’re kidding, right?”
“No.”
James’ mouth dropped open, immediately panicking.
“God, you’re gullible,” Spider-Man snorted, oblivious to the fact that he almost gave James a heart attack.
“So this is your house?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“But why am I staying here? If you wanted to bed me, you didn’t have to knock me out, you know?”
“Shut up. You’re staying here until you heal. Obviously there’s the whole regenerative thing, but to grow back working nerves and all, you’d need, say, a week?” Speaking of nerves, James didn’t have the balls to tell Spider-Man he’d need two days, tops.
“Uh, yeah,” James breathed out, looking around. “Um, wouldn’t S.H.I.E.L.D have a place to house me? Or I could go to my place?”
“Uh, yeah, they said that… it’s- it’s just, it looked… cold. And everything was too clean. Like a hospital room.” Spider-Man mumbled, visibly embarrassed. “You-you can go to your place though, if you want.”
“No- no, I like it here,” James smiled, feeling his heart grow like the Grinch’s (even though his heart was plenty grown already, as Sirius said often). He felt something under the pillow, pulling out a stuffed lion. “Is this yours-?” He started grinning at Spidey, who immediately snatched it away.
“Give him to me,” he grumbled, hugging it to his chest.
“ Him? You gendered him?” James teased. To be honest, James wasn’t any better.
“Shut up.”
“What, do you have a collection of stuffed animals in your closet?” James chuckled, meaning it completely as a joke.
He watched as Spider-Man slowly grew mortified beneath the mask, no doubt blushing like shit. “I- shut up.” He stammered.
“So… is this your room or your teenage son’s room? I’m seeing a lot of Mitski posters. And The Smiths. And Jeff Buckley.”
“It’s my room, thank you very much, I don’t have a teenage son.”
“Don’t worry, I would love you even if you did.” James pointedly ignored that that would mean he would be closer in age to Spidey’s son than Spidey.
Plus, James also thinks he’d be a better sugar daddy than sugar baby.
“Whatever,” he huffed, walking around his room, picking up clothes as he went. “Anyways, I have a few rules. I’ve gotten rid of everything that might give away my identity- photos, awards, all that shit. You also can’t go outside this room or open the curtains. There isn’t anyone else living here, by the way, it’s just that I don’t lock my door often, and my friends burst in and start wreaking havoc. The door locks, so if they do come in, you can just lock it. The bathroom is connected to the bedroom, just through there. Um… I think that’s it, but I’m going out for work and I’ll be back in, like, blah blah blah proper name, place name, backstory stuff.”
Wait, what?
Blah blah blah, proper name, place name, backstory stuff?
Dude. James wasn’t listening.
Again.
“Uh huh,” he nodded, sounding mystified.
“You weren’t listening, huh?” Spidey sighed.
James shook his head sheepishly.
“Well, don’t go poking around ‘cause you’ll probably find my secret identity, don’t go outside this room and keep the blinds closed, lock the door if other people come in. I’m leaving, I’ll be back in half an hour.” He explained hastily, walking over to his (surprisingly, really organised) closet, picking out clothes and walking into the bathroom.
He came out five minutes later, in which James was still looking around his room trying to figure out what the writing on the papers said, wearing his work clothes, making him look a lot like Tom from 500 Days of Summer, plus the Spiderman mask and gloves (which James was totally into, by the way).
“Bye,” Spidey muttered before slipping out the door.
“BYEEE HONEY!” James called out a second too late, but he heard the apartment door close half a minute later, gathering that Spider-Man probably heard him.
He sighed, settling into Spidey’s bed, taking in the smell. His room was extremely messy in some places, but meticulously clean in others.
Even though there were knick knacks everywhere, there wasn’t a single speck of dust anywhere. James couldn’t say the same for his flat, however.
Sirius also did the same thing- it was something he couldn’t shake from his childhood, Sirius and Regulus were expected to have insanely clean rooms whenever anybody came over, so Sirius made up for it in their high school dorms, leaving everything messy as shit, but impulsively cleaning Peter or Remus’ spaces.
He wondered if Regulus impulsively cleaned random places in his room too.
He also wondered if anything like what happened to Sirius happened to Spidey, making him clean like that too.
“Oh, fuck,” James sat up with a start, reaching for his Deadpool phone on the bedside table, frantically calling Lily.
“Pick up, pick up, don’t be shagging Mary,” he murmured.
“Pott- I mean, Deadpool.” Lily answered.
“Thank fuck,” he sighed, “Lily. I have something to tell you.”
“Did you lose your glasses again? They’re probably on your head.”
“I- shush. I have contacts built into my mask anyways. So… you might’ve seen on the telly, but your beautiful bodacious amazing funny kind generous bestest friend in the whole wide world got his legs chewed off by Venom,”
“-What happened to Remus?”
“I- shut up,” he grumbled. “Anyways, guess where I am.”
“Fuckin’... I dunno, Greece?”
“Good guess, no, I’m in Spidey’s bedroom.”
“ DID YOU SHAG? WITH NO LEGS?”
James winced at her volume.
“Uh, no, we didn’t, he’s taking care of me while I regain my legs.”
“ James.”
“...Yes Lily honey bear pookie pie?”
“What have we talk about?”
“...No eating frosting sugar straight from the bag?”
“Yes, but also, you can’t be going around having a crush on this guy, James.”
“ I’m not , I promise. We’re just friends. Honestly, I don’t even think he thinks I’m a friend, so, problem solved.”
“Fine,” Lily sighed, too tired to argue with him. “So what did you want me to do?”
“So I’m gone for a little under a week, and I need an alibi for Sirius and Peter and Remus and all that.”
“So I need to make up an alibi for you?”
“Please?”
“Fine. But you owe me.”
“Yes! Thank you! Anything!”
“Do me a favour, get your shit together. Also I want a new camera.”
“Okay, done, except for the shit together thing, that’s gonna take a while… Hey, didn’t you read that Annie Kar-annie-na book that one time?”
“Uh, yeah?”
“He has it. In a fancy cover, too.”
“Aw, sweet! New favourite superhero!”
“I- what!” James spluttered. “...Were there any hot guys in that book? ‘Cause I feel like there should be some blond guy with a moustache who was pretty fiiiine.”
“Sure, James,” she sighed fondly, hanging up.
James settled back into the bed, looking around Spidey’s room again, taking note of everything he was interested in.
Honestly, if James had proper access to his dick, it would’ve gotten hard when he saw a hidden stack of Pokemon cards on Spider-Man’s bedside table.
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
“Yeah yeah, I know about that, I’m just saying, I need everyone to get away from my flat for a few days. It’s not my fault, I literally can’t do anything about it. Like I’m gonna remember to lock my door. Okay, fine… yeah… whatever video game you want I’ll buy, for fuck’s sake. Yes… thank you. Whatever. Fuck yourself sideways with a deodorant, don’t get sappy with me.”
James immediately perked up, hearing Spidey come back.
“Hey Deadpool,” He walked in, mask already on and pulling his gloves on. “I’m gonna go change back into the suit, and I’ll be out.”
Five minutes later, Spidey walked back out, fully suited.
“Do you skateboard?” James asked abruptly.
“I- what? No.”
“But you have a skateboard over there,” he pointed to a beat up board with fading stickers on bottom propped up against the wall near the door.
“Oh, that’s my friend’s. He left it here last time he came over.”
“Oh yeah, my friends leave stuff at my place all the time. My best friend, yeah? He left bottle of shampoo over once, and he didn’t even shower at my flat.”
“My brother once went into my bathroom to pointedly steal a bottle of shampoo from me. Are you hungry? ‘Cause I was gonna get takeout anyways.”
“Uh…okay, I can eat.”
“Good, because the only thing I have in my fridge is a bottle of barbeque sauce I didn’t buy and a stray lettuce leaf. I’ll go get it now then.”
“Okay honey! Go get me some action figures while you’re at it, would ya? It’s been a long day. Almost as long as my di-”
“I’m leaving now.”
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
After half an hour, Spidey still wasn’t back. James wondered hopelessly if he was held up by some bad guys that Deadpool would’ve been able to help with, but his fucking legs were chopped off, so no use trying to do anything.
Speaking of legs (or lack thereof), James steeled himself and slowly lifted up the sheets to try and look at his recovering legs.
He let out a very manly very masculine squeak when he saw the regenerating legs that looked a lot like ********* ***** ******************************** *** ****************** *** ‘******** ******’ *************************** ***(!) ******** **** ************ ******* **** ********.
“Why are you squealing?” He heard Spider-Man ask, walking back into his room holding three bags.
“No reason,” James cleared his throat. “I was just… masturbating.”
“With no dick?”
“Yeah… I don’t, um, need a dick to masturbate. My… liver… works just fine.”
“Ooookay.” Spider-Man said lowly, handing James two of the bags.
“What’s this?” James asked, looking into the bags, propping himself up higher on the bed.
“Um… well…”
“You got me action figures?” James gaped.
“Yeah I know, I just figured you would be… like… bored or whatever.”
“I was just joking…” he mumbled, pulling out the boxes of action figures. “You’re being suspiciously nice, Webhead. Did you tell Venom to bite off my legs or something?”
“No, I didn’t, but I just thought, you know.”
“So what’s the other bag then? I swear if you bought me two bags worth of action figures-”
“No, they’re the prototype Funko Pops I got sent. I can pick a few that should go on the shelves, and I thought, since I don’t really give a fuck and you seem really invested that you should pick.”
James held up the huge bag full of Funko Pop boxes like it was Christmas and Spidey was Santa. Except more toned. Also if James was Mrs Claus.
“All for me?”
“I mean, yeah, I would’ve never gotten around to it if I was going to do it myself, and I would’ve just given it to my manager guy, and you can keep the ones that shouldn’t get sent back.”
James was so incredibly lucky that his mask was on, because the flies that would've flown into his dropped open mouth would have time to fully breed a whole new bloodline and race of flies.
“Actually?” His voice went up a few octaves as he lightly touched his chest in shock.
“Don’t start crying now,” Spidey huffed. “I’ll go get the food.”
“This one looks exactly like you,” James cooed, holding up an ‘Angry Spider-Man’ Funko Pop up to him when he came back in.
“Shut up, eat your food.” Spidey huffed, handing James a box of Chinese takeout. “I’ll eat my food and be back in, like, ten minutes. I have work I need to do anyways.”
“I- don’t let me drive you out of you room, dude, you can work here if you like,”
“No, it’s fine, my computer has to charge outside my room anyways, I don’t have enough plugs in my room in this shitty flat anyways.”
“Okay Spidey! Hey, I have to brainstorm some new nicknames for you, Spidey’s repetitive and grammatically bland. That’s why Grammarly can help. This sentence is grammatically correct, but it’s wordy and hard to read. It undermines the writer’s message and the word choice is bland. Grammarly’s cutting edge technology helps you craft compelling, understandable writing that makes an impact on your reader. Much better. Are you ready to give it a try? Installation is simple and free. Visit Grammarly.com today!”
James didn’t even have time to notice Spider-Man slowly slipping out of the room with eyebrows knitted together so tightly in concern it probably creased his suit.
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
“-And then I said to my friend ‘hoe that colour is so you, don’t even try to tell me you shouldn’t get the blue pineapple tang tropical apple blood orange smoothie, your deadbeat boyfriend can go fuck himself thirty degrees to the left with a motorised tricycle, you will not even gain any weight,’ and I was all, you know, being a good friend.”
“You talk a lot about your friends,” Spidey mused from where he was sitting cross-legged on his spinny chair, elbow on his knee and cheek propped up on a fist.
“Yeah, well, I really like my friends. They’re… you know… me. If they aren’t happy then I can’t be happ- are you asleep?”
“Huh?” Spidey’s head shot up from where it was slowly lolling off his fist. “N-no, it’s fine, keep talking.”
“Go to sleep, Webhead.”
“I- no, it really is fine.”
“I’ll finish the story later, go to bed.”
“Fine,” Spidey grumbled, grabbing his stuff and walking out the door.
“Wait,” James called. “Where are you sleeping?”
“On the sofa,”
“Oh, I mean, I can take the sofa, you take your bed. Or, you know, your teenage son’s bed. You know I really don’t mind a whole hot single dad thing, like I fuck with tha-”
That wasn’t the first time James had the door closed on him.
But he’s gonna choose to ignore that, and instead go on his phone.
…Like you. *narrows eyes*
spiderman_official @the_real_spidey
guess which slag got his legs bitten off! (hint: it’s not me)
_____Replies_____
deadpool_official @fr_deadpool_!!!
hey :(
sooh @dununununubatman!
love yall ngl😍
angelbby @huhangelbby
hm is it the mf with regenerative powers
deso-latetotheparty @desolatee
you?
cvvvvnt🎀 @cuenzi
aww so no shower sex?