crumbl cookie dealer hmu
Regulus was really mad at himself.
‘I can take the sofa, you can take your bed’ Deadpool had said.
That obviously made no difference to how fucking stubborn Regulus had to be, because Deadpool had graciously offered his back and neck a way to not be completely fucked up in the morning.
Of course Regulus had to be a good host and let the guy who only had half his body sleep on the bed while Regulus - with his full sized body - slept on the tiny fucked up sofa.
Oh, and Regulus found his remote.
Lodged up his kidney at 4:00 in the morning.
Regulus trudged over to his bedroom door, knocking on it while knuckling his eye, yawning.
No reply.
Regulus knocked on the door again, figuring that Deadpool was still recovering and was still sleeping.
No reply.
Regulus knocked a bit more frantically, he had books he needed to pick up from the library.
No reply.
That was how Regulus Black was stuck banging on his own door at 7:00 in the morning waiting for some asshole superhero with an attention span problem to wake the fuck up.
“I’m up, I’m up,” he heard a groan from inside the room.
Regulus let out a sigh of relief before realising he wasn’t wearing his fucking mask.
He leaped over the sofa to grab his mask, pulling it on the same time Deadpool yelled at him to open the door.
Regulus walked into his room, on his phone.
“Why did you just tweet about what happens if you mix all four bases of DNA?”
“What the shit? I did no such thing,” Deadpool started, grabbing his own phone. “ WHAT?”
deadpool_official @fr_deadpool_!!!
wait what would happen if you mixed all four bases of DNA. like Adenine, Cytosine, Guanine and Thymine.
_____Replies_____
thwap❗️ @s
this is NOT the deadpool i know
🌷🍪💿🍄 @vi
@the_real_spidey get your mans
henry.winter.step.on.me.@donnatartslut
this wasn’t on my 3026 bingo card
deadpool_official @fr_deadpool_!!!
THISSITN ME I PROMISE IM NOT GIVING ANYBODY MY PASSWORD EVER EVER AGAIN
Severus Snape. @SeverusSnape
If this was possible, you would end up with a random polynucleotide at each replication. Don’t believe in your mutant work though, Dead Pool.
“Are you sure you didn’t?” Regulus snorted, walking around collecting his things to get ready.
“ That ginger,” Deadpool growled. “I’m never giving the person who designs my suit my password ever again.”
Regulus felt his face pale and froze. “Wait, I did that too…”
He whipped his phone back out.
spiderman_official @the_real_spidey
feeling HOMOcidal rn!
also, spiderman is a LOSER CAPITAL L and pulls NO BITCHES. absolutely 0. he is an emo nerd with no friends at all send tweet
_____Replies_____
jemma @nickwildesimp
wgat😸
melanie ૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ♡ @melaniee
spidey… baby… this isn’t you… don’t listen to the demons
spiderman_official @the_real_spidey
NO THSI ISNT ME EVERYTHING THIS TWEET SAID WAS WRONG I PROMISE
ignition.jay @JAYY
yo who hacked spiderman AND deadpool💀
“I hate blond people.” Regulus growled.
“Aaaaanyways, what’s the agenda for today, Spidey-boy?”
“Are your legs grown back?”
Deadpool peeked under the covers, groaning and retching. After a solid half a minute of dramatics and Deadpool trying to grab Regulus’ hand for support (he was immediately pushed away), he shook his head calmly. “And don’t come look, I’m not wearing pants.”
“You fucking slept commando in my fucking bed?”
“No, I have underwear on!” Deadpool replied defiantly and pulled up the fabric of his boxers to show the exact same pattern as on Regulus’ suit. “Ouch, wedgie, don’t ask me to do that again.”
“Oookay,” Regulus continued to gather his clothes and things. “In that case, you’re staying home and doing nothing. I have errands to run.”
“But baby boyyyy,” Deadpool groaned, tipping his head back and hitting it against the wall. “-Ouch- I’m gonna be so bored,” he pouted, rubbing the back of his head.
“Not my problem,” Regulus shrugged. “I’ll be back in, say, two hours.”
Regulus got dressed and walked out of his flat, hearing Deadpool make pew pew noises with his action figures and bearing the most fucked up migraine ever, much like the average single mother.
Next time he had to sleep on the sofa, Regulus should have just found pointy spike-covered gloves, shoved his hand up the piss hole in his dick and webbed up his innards so they couldn’t work anymore.
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
“Hey, kid, you’re the one with the good Spider-Man photos, yeah?”
J. Jonah Jameson.
The all singing all dancing crap of the world.
“...I’d like to think so, yes.” Regulus replied drily, looking boredly from the camera he was holding to JJJ.
“Great, what’s your name, kid? How old are you?”
Now, Regulus would like to think he looked older than 14, which is apparently what all these old people thought he looked like.
‘Not older than that fugly moustache, obviously’
‘My name isn’t what you’ll need to be worried about when you’re picking up your teeth off the floor with your broken hand.’
‘How would you like to be pummelled by the guy you’re shit talking 24/7 on the telly?’
‘I’m this close to shoving your head in a toilet, fuck off.’
These are all things Regulus would have liked to say.
Regulus also liked having a source of income and living under a roof, however, so he opted not to.
“Regulus Black, I’m nineteen. Mr… Jameson… Sir.”
“Call me JJJ,” he chuckled, flashing his hideous white teeth.
Why did every ‘journalling’ douchebag have insanely unnatural looking white teeth?
Like, was there a discount at the white caulk factory?
‘Be a perv, get pervy teeth! -200% off for limited time!’ (And they would eat up that ‘discount’)
“I’ll keep an eye on you if I need any visuals for my next scoops, kid.”
‘I’ll ‘scoop’ out your eyeballs, Jameson.’
‘Get a visual of this fist!’
‘Yeah, great, call me a kid now because you won’t be having any kids when I rip that dick off with a hydraulic press’
“Yeah, thanks,” Regulus muttered, turning back to his computer.
“Oi, Black, we need photos of Spider-Man getting thrown through a building,” Regulus heard from behind him.
“Yeah, okay, “ he replied, not turning around.
“Make sure you got an unflattering picture of him.”
“Okay,” he was definitely not going to get an unflattering photo of himself?
“Try and get a shot lined up next to him, preferably with neutral natural lighting-“
“Would you like to take the photos?” Regulus whipped around, glaring.
“...Fine, whatever, just get the photos.”
Honestly, Regulus felt a bit hurt that his photography skills were reduced to taking mediocre selfies of himself, sometimes amidst getting beat up.
It didn’t help that Evan was a shitty photographer, so he couldn’t even take decent photos while Regulus was saving the city.
“Jameson, huh?” He heard behind him,
He turned around to roll his eyes to Mary. “Yeah,”
“Hate that guy.”
“Well at least he’s talking while his tongue’s still on that end of the digestive system.”
“Whoa, Sirius was right,” Mary cocked her head to the side. “You’re pretty scary. Respect though, bye Baby Black!”
Then she was off again, it seemed Mary Macdonald was always going somewhere .
Regulus looked down at his camera, getting distracted by the floor, which could really use with some blood splatters, featuring one Mr John Jonah Jameson.
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
“Webs!”
“Yes?” Regulus kept a brisk pace, putting everything in his backpack while holding the phone to his ear with his shoulder.
“So… you know how cool and hot I think you are?”
“What do you want.”
“Uhm… are you near Lamb’s Conduit Street?”
“Not really, but I could get there, unless you want me to pick up, like, a used swift shank.”
“No no no, it’s… look… I- what I’m trying to say is- there’s this guy, yeah?”
“...Yeah.”
“And have you heard of Crumbl Cookies?”
“Obviously,” Regulus scoffed.
“Well they take a shitload of time to ship to the UK, so I have a… a dealer.”
“You have a dealer for Crumbl Cookies. ”
“Exactly! So, I was wondering if you would be a doll and pick them up for me? They know me as Deadpool though, so if you had your suit on you…”
“Yeah, I do,” Regulus sighed. “God, the things I do,”
“Thanks Spidey! You’ll find him!”
That’s how Regulus was stuck wandering around some sketchy-looking place at Lamb’s Conduit in his suit, looking for a Crumbl Cookie dealer.
“Oi, mate, pickup for… Deadpool?” He heard a gruff voice behind him.
“Oh,” Regulus deepened his voice. “Yeah, that’s for me.”
“You got the money?”
“Wh- no, what- is that a Jolly Rancher knife?- I… wasn’t aware that I had to pay you?”
“Installments,” the dealer shrugged. “The Deadpool bloke already paid me, but I need five pounds for compensation for coming out here.”
“I- that fucking idiot,” Regulus huffed, digging in his backpack pocket before handing the dealer a five pound note and taking the box.
“All this week’s new flavours, w-”
“Yeah yeah, thanks, have a great day, with great power comes great responsibility, remember that mate, all that.” Regulus waved his hand dismissively, webbing his way back to his flat, wondering how much more easy his life would be if he had a Jolly Rancher shank.
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
“Spidey! Baby!”
Regulus couldn’t have one singular minute of peace, huh?
“What?” He called back, pulling on his mask and gloves.
“I’m a genius!”
“Whatever, take your damn cookies,” he walked into the room, handing Deadpool the half-beat up box. “You owe me five pounds.”
“No no no wait, so I was thinking, gosh, it had been a while since you had left, maybe 8:00-?”
“I left at 7:45.”
“Exactly. So, I was thinking, gyat damn, the people absolutely love Deadpool, yeah? So I was like, what else could I do to make more people like me? Then it was like I had an idea for the first time as a fetus-”
“Probably because you did.”
“-And then I was like ‘holy fuck, J-jjjjedi master Deadpool! Make a TikTok account’.”
“...So you made a Deadpool TikTok?”
“Yeah!”
“Okay. And?”
“Well, that’s kinda what I needed the Crumbl Cookies for. I was also thinking that the public is eating up our dynamic duo. So…”
“I’m not being in a TikTok with you.”
“But-”
“I already have enough shit over me - thanks a lot JJJ - and being in a fight with you is bad enough for my rep. Being in a TikTok where you repeatedly talk about how far your cumshot versus the shot of your gun is will be JJJ’s ultimate material source.”
“But, like, do you really care ?”
“Yes.”
“No, but, will you let that crusty old man be the demise of you letting yourself do the things you’d like to? Don’t listen to him, Spider-Man. You’re not a menace. You’re such a good person. Like, you sacrificed five pounds for me-”
“Wait, what? No I didn’t. You’re paying me back.”
“-And you’re a responsible guy. So be in my TikTok, won’t you?”
“If you shut the fuck up, fine.”
“Yay! Come on, sit down,” Deadpool patted the space next to him on the bed, pulling out a whole ass set up tripod from behind him and setting it up in front of them.
“You had that the whole time?”
“Yay! Okay, so my account user is the same as my Twitter, so it’s deadpool_official and my user is deadpool_fr_!!!, I’m verified and everything, if you wanted to… like… follow me or whatever.”
“I’m not doing that.”
“Whatever, it’s fine, I didn’t even really care, so, shyeah ,” Deadpool huffed, crossing his arms.
“Let’s make the fucking video, hurry up,”
“Okay, so, what we’re gonna do is, for the thumbnail, you hold up the box while I do a super duper uper cool pose, okay? Then we just go with the flow.”
“Yeah, okay.”
Deadpool pressed the record button, and they heard the three beeps before the video started.
Regulus held up the open box, no doubt the most bored look on his face ever, while Deadpool did the ‘thumbnail face’, the one reminiscent of the Scream painting.
They sat there for a solid five seconds, Deadpool holding that pose while Regulus resisted the urge to fall asleep on his (much missed) bed.
“A-are we starting now?” Regulus muttered, loud enough that the camera definitely heard.
“Oh, right!” Deadpool snapped out of his (quite frankly, creepy as fuck) haze and waved excitedly to the camera. “Hey guys! I’m here with my buddy Arachni-boy-”
“Spider-Man.”
-And we’re trying this week’s lineup of Crumbl Cookies! How much you wanna bet Crumbl’s gonna be in the comments in, like, one hour? Anyways, you’re probably thinking, you guys are Brits, how did you get them so quickly? The answer is, we love you Alfred.”
“Wait, that was his name?” If his name was Alfred, Regulus would also go into dealing biscuits.
“Okay, so today’s lineup is the classic chocolate chip, the tres leches cake, the maple cream sandwich, caramel apple, chocolate peanut butter pie, and… what’s that one?”
“Pumpkin chocolate chip.”
“But we’ve already got chocolate chip, pumpkin.”
“You- oh my god,” Regulus seethed, whacking Deadpool (lightly - JJJ’s alway watching) over the back of the head. “ Pumpkin chocolate chip. The flavour, full flavour, is pumpkin chocolate chip. ”
“Oh, my bad,” he grabbed the first cookie off the box, shushing Regulus (who wasn’t saying anything) and leaning into the camera, doing that thing GRWM girlies do where they put their hand behind the product and tapping on the cookie. “ASMR,” Deadpool tried whispering, immediately falling into a coughing fit.
Regulus took the cookie while Deadpool was dying in the background, turning to the phone.
“So this is the classic chocolate chip flavour,” Regulus tore the cookie apart into two halves for him and Deadpool. “And this is the inside, obviously, infamous for - can you shut up?- infamous for being slightly underdone in the middle, for the whole crumble effect, you know, literary connections and all that.”
“I- give me that,” Deadpool spluttered, regaining consciousness and sitting up, snatching the other half midair from where Regulus had chucked it. “Taste test guys… 3… 2…-” “wait, what are we doing?” “-1!”
Deadpool grabbed the bottom of his mask, pulling it outward and shoving the cookie in his mouth, not showing the bottom half of his face to the camera.
“Am-am I supposed to do that?”
“Yesh,” Deadpool mumbled from the mouth full of cookie.
Regulus grimaced before doing the same, making sure the camera saw none of his (admittedly, beautiful) face.
“Ish it goopd?” Deadpool asked, still chewing the huge fucking half he shoved in his mouth as Regulus gave a wordless thumbs up.
“Okay, next is the… maple cream sandwich.”
“No it isn’t-”
“LET ME BE CHAOTIC, damn.”
“Fine, calm your tits,”
“Okay, so, maple cream sandwic- why are you laughing?”
“Maple cream sandwich,” Regulus giggled slightly.
“And they say I’m the bad one,” Deadpool turned to the camera ‘The Office’ style. “Anyways, let’s get this juicy cream inside of us.”
“Should we have made this a live?” Regulus asked, still chewing a mouthful of his cookie.
“...Oh.” Deadpool realised, as they sat in silence for the third time, chewing as quickly as possible and giving close to no actual ratings.
“Anyways, boys and girls, it’s time for us to go, but remember: don’t do drugs!” Deadpool exclaimed, putting two thumbs up, hitting Regulus while aggressively pointing them up.
“Like, subscribe and hit that notification bell for more updates!” Regulus reached for his phone, playing the first 2010s YouTube outro music he could find.
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
Deadpool had essentially been mooching off Regulus for a solid five days, insisting that he could do housewife-like duties as long as he didn’t have to get up from bed, essentially an oxymoron in itself.
“Baby Black!” Mary had exclaimed while walking up to Regulus a nice even 17.5 times that week. (.5 because she was dragged away by a quick glance at the clock, realising she had to be somewhere, ending up in her just yelling “BABY” to Regulus and a quiet resounding “BLAAACK” as she briskly jogged away, neither being good for his reputation or hers).
Regulus had also been slammed into a wall a total of 30 times that week (as Spider-Man - Regulus wasn’t getting his power-bottom on [at least, not with Deadpool in his house]).
Safe to say, Regulus was so close to being alone . Finally, alone .
Alone in his house, alone for the weekend and forcing Deadpool into taking over what Regulus had to do by himself (even though he never really needed help), therefore he could swing around. Alone .
Regulus sighed, slamming his computer closed and stretching in his chair, hopping out of his chair and booking it out the damn Daily Bugle offices.
Regulus decided to walk home, delaying the time it takes to get back by a good 20 minutes.
Once he got home, he promptly webbed up all the surrounding security cameras, pulled his mask and gloves on, and walked into his flat.
Of course, the sight he walked in on was worse than having to look at J. Jonah Jameson’s ugly ass moustache all day while getting bossed around by him.
Deadpool, fully recovered, running around his bedroom with the action figures.
“Boom! Kaplow! My name is Superman and I’m here to save you! Oh no! It’s kryptonite.” Deadpool mimed with his Superman action figure.
“No, it’s just my mask,” the Green Lantern action figure yelled back, being rocked around by Deadpool.
“Why is it fucking neon green?”
“Oh, that’s not my mask, that’s my cum!”
“Oh. Nice.”
Deadpool introduced a new action figure to the interaction, bringing him out from behind his back.
“Rahh! I’m Thanos, here to snap my fingers and kill you all- what’s Superman eating off the floor? No worries, I’m just going to kill all the people nobody likes! Like… annoying vegans and hipsters and Sephora kids and people who say they like all the colours in the rainbow when you ask what their favourite colour is.”
“You. Can. Walk?”
“Uhh…” Deadpool paused, stopping midair with one leg in the air standing on the bed. “That depends what you define as ‘walk’.”
“It’s what you’re not going to be able to do in five minutes.”
“Th-”
“ Not suggestive. ”
“Hey, I’ve been able to walk for a few days. My legs grew back, like, on the first day… and this isn’t helping, huh?”
“Nope.”
“I- come on, we had a whole ‘mi casa es su casa’ thing going on, you can’t kick me out, think about the kids Spidey!”
“The kids can suck my ass- wait, what am I even saying we don’t have any kids,”
“Yet- no wait don’t hit me I’m sorry!”