spider webs (and other sticky substances)

Regulus was logged out of his Spotify. His stupid Spotify logged him out even though he used it every single day? 

Now Regulus is a very busy man, if studying and tests weren’t enough he had a job and a whole legal thing with the Black inheritance.

He’s also Spider-Man?

But of course Spotify couldn’t appreciate that, and instead expected him to take time out of his day to figure out what the fuck his password was.

Upon voicing his frustration to Pandora, she was quick to offer her Spotify to him until he figured out his own password.

That was why Regulus Arcturus Black was laying down on a roof so early that the sun had barely come up listening to ‘HUMBLE.’ by Kendrick Lamar.

Why was that in Pandora’s playlist? You might ask. Regulus found out very quickly she had one single playlist that she added songs she thought sounded nice and she was up to 1423 hours in length.

One singular playlist.

“I’m so fuckin’ sick and tired of the Photoshop.”

“Gee Kendrick, I’m so fucking sick and tired of life,” Regulus huffed, only half joking, laying down propped up against a water tank.

He immediately turned the music off as soon as he heard the starting notes of ‘Not Like Us’, traumatised from when Peter and Sirius burst into Regulus’ flat blasting the song and yell-singing along to the lyrics.

While staring off into the distance, Regulus’ eyesight was promptly introduced to the depths of Tartarus, a huge billboard flashed with the Daily Bugle symbol before broadcasting a full in-depth footage clip of Venomised Regulus.

Next, someone Regulus had seen walking around the Daily Bugle offices, J. Jonah Jameson, played (weird caterpillar looking moustache and all), dissing Spider-Man for the rampage he caused.

What?

“Spider-Man is, without a fault, a professional menace.”

WHAT?

Regulus spends copious amounts of hours perfecting his battle technique and suit. He goes out, putting himself in mortal danger more often than not, to save citizens and battle bad guys. Then he gets possessed by some manic symbiote once and he’s the menace hell-bent on destroying the world?

If Regulus wasn’t such a genuinely good-doer that would’ve been his inevitable villain arc.

Regulus stood motionless, watching J. Jonah Jameson (that cunt) insult Regulus over and over again.

“Don’t listen to that guy. If it makes a difference, I will gladly go shoot him in between the bushy ass unibrow.”

Regulus jumped at the person talking behind him, whipping around to see Deadpool sitting on top of the water tank, hopping down to walk to him.

“I-it’s fine, really. And maybe don’t shoot him, I think he has a son.” Regulus sighed, glaring at JJJ’s ugly face.

“Fine, whatever you say, sweetums.” Deadpool shrugged. “...But if you do change your mind-”

“I highly doubt I will. But thanks anyways. It’s fine, I’ve had worse happen,” Regulus shrugged, taking a deep breath before turning his back to JJJ and looking up at Deadpool. “So what’re we doing today?”

“Well, first off,” Deadpool took his phone out, doing something on it and looking up at Regulus. “Check your phone.” 

Regulus could practically hear the shit-eating grin on his face as he pulled out his phone from his backpack, eyeing Deadpool.

deadpool_official             @fr_deadpool_!!!

with webhead about to save yall from immediate death <3 #coquette #cleangirlaesthetic #couplegoals #pinterestsponsorme

**photo**

_____Replies_____

spider-man’s.bodypillow    @spideys_sidehoe

do you guys do the nasty in SHIELD hq

patrick bateman’s wife    @mrbatemanswifey

“#couplegoals” 👀 👀 👀

deftones_luvxr🎮                 @deftones_luvxr

i just saw deadpool buy a taco? saving us from death my ass

“When did you take this photo? What the fuck?” It was a photo of Regulus from earlier laying against the water tank listening to Pandora’s fucked playlist.

“I have my ways, baby.” Deadpool pulled out a taco out of nowhere, offering it to Regulus, who shook his head.

He shrugged and left it on top of the roof, blowing it a kiss. “I’ll be back for you,” he told the taco wistfully.

“Um… so… we’re meant to be surveying the streets for Venom.” Regulus said, choosing not to unpack whatever the fuck Deadpool just did.

“And it’ll be no problem because he’ll come to us- not in that way.”

“If we’re lucky he’ll see us and try to fight, but no guarantees.”

“Oh… Spidey?”

“Hm?” Regulus was getting ready to go down and patrol, turning around to look at Deadpool.

“I think he’s gonna be here all day,” Deadpool jutted a thumb at JJJ’s ugly screen as Regulus rolled his eyes.

“Whatever. I’m fine with that.” He jumped off the building, only to realise that Deadpool needed help getting down, doing a u-turn and coming back to carry him down.

“This is fun!” Deadpool exclaimed as Regulus carried him on his hip as you would a toddler, using one hand to support that 6 foot tall woolly mammoth and the other to web his way down.

“Mhm,” Regulus grunted, gingerly supporting him on the way down.

“Stop groping me,” Deadpool huffed, directly in Regulus’ ear. 

“I- what? I’m not groping you.”

“Yeah you are.” 

Regulus looked down to find out that his hand was, in fact, in a very questionable position (see: on Deadpool’s ass).

He felt an uncontrollable blush behind the mask, dropping Deadpool immediately and briskly walking off.

He heard Deadpool behind him a few seconds later, apparently having picked himself up.

“So where are we off to now?” He slung an arm over Regulus’ shoulder, being promptly pushed off.

“Just… around.” Regulus replied, guiding an oblivious Deadpool out of the way of a car.

“Oh, okay, do we-” They both paused, stopping as Regulus looked down at his stomach, which grumbled almost as loud as Sirius sings in the shower. “Whoa… nice! Solid 8.746.” Deadpool reached out to give Regulus a fist bump, who knew he was blushing like shit under the mask.

Deadpool’s costume is red because bad guys don’t see him bleed? Well Regulus’ costume is red so nobody sees him furiously blush.

“Ratings aside, how long ago did you last have food?”

“...Not that long.” Regulus huffed.

After a pause, Regulus relented. “The last food I had was breakfast yesterday.”

“ WHAT?”

“Well, I was busy, I had to do stuff for the D- um…my job.”

“And you haven’t eaten for a whole day?” Deadpool had stopped them, crossing his arms in a reprimanding motherly way.

“I mean… I’m not hungr-”

“Don’t bullshit me, we’re getting food. On me.”

“I can pa-”

“Nope. Non-negotiable. You’re eating. And who knows, we might see Venom sipping on a venti autumn pumpkin caramel spice latte with almond milk,” he shrugged tugging Regulus along to go get food.

🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️

Regulus eyed Deadpool, who was watching him eat, resting his chin on laced fingers, with his elbows on the table.

“Can you not?” Regulus grumbled with a full mouth.

“I’m just making sure that you don’t feed it to the pigeons.” Deadpool shrugged.

“There aren’t any pigeons here.” Regulus pointed out, although he should’ve been used to Deadpool’s shenanigans at that point.

“Still,”

“Well don’t watch me eat, I’m not domesticated.”

“Fine, fine,” Deadpool gave in, crossing his arms and kicking his feet up on the table.

He immediately kicked them back down sheepishly, apologising to the worker who glared at him.

“Sorry Ms Chen,” Regulus called, still stuffing his mouth with pastry.

“Ew, don’t call me that, reminds me too much of my mother.”

“Sorry Katy,” Regulus stopped chewing, pausing as he felt himself pale.

“S-Spider-Man? How do you know my name?”

“It’s… on your nametag.”

“This is a fake nametag. And how do you know my last name?”

“...Let’s go, Deadpool.” He stuffed the rest of the food in his mouth and chugged the rest of the coffee, grabbing Deadpool by the arm and pulling his mask down, all but sprinting out the cafe.

Spider-Man didn’t know Katy, never having communicated with her or even stepping foot in the random cafe she worked at.

Regulus, however, knew her mother, Mrs Chen from the convenience store. He also met a disgruntled Katy working there while her mother went to a dentist appointment.

But nobody needed to know that.

“What was that?” Deadpool asked, strutting alongside Regulus, who continued their walk around, surveying for Venom.

“I know her and her mum, who works at a convenience store I go to. Not, like I as in Spider-Man, but I as in me , like… me .”

“Yeah, yeah I get it,” Deadpool replied, sounding occupied with thought.

“What?” 

“It’s just… shouldn’t we have been checking the drains? That is where Venom disappeared.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Regulus groaned, turning around and walking back the way they came, making sure to take a nice, good look down the dirty drain that time. 

🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️

“I love puzzles. I used to eat them when I was younger-”

“Shut up,” Regulus covered Deadpool’s mouth, holding his own breath and listening.

Deadpool’s muffled voice came from behind Regulus’ hand, obviously not helping his quest to find what the fuck was setting off his Spidey sense.

He grumbled, dragging Deadpool into an alley to get away from the other sounds, shoving him up against the brick wall probably infested with hemmerhoids with his hand still covering Deadpool’s mouth.

“I have never been more attracted to you than now,” Deadpool breathed out once Regulus let go.

“Shush, something’s about to happen.”

“Oh, Spidey tingle, got it.” Deadpool nodded, his hand inching closer to his gun.

Regulus zoned in on whatever he could hear, listening to a faint scream and the sound of glass smashing.

“Gotcha,” he muttered, motioning for Deadpool to follow him, walking around to an apartment building, looking up to see if any glass was visibly broken from the outside.

“Is that… like, a radioactive thing? The hearing? ‘Cause I know that the Spidey tingle is a radioactive spider thing, but the hearing? It’s just ‘cause one of my best mates, he’s got this crazy hearing and smell thing. Obviously he wasn’t bitten by anything radioactive, but he’s broody like you. You know, quiet, snappy… hot.”

“If you’re calling your best mate hot, that’s a whole different thing I’ll let you unpack by yourself.”

“Huh? Oh, OH, fuck no- I mean, like, I’m just appreciating him. Like, I call all my friends hot, ‘cause they- they are. Like, do you not do that? I’m sure you’ve just thought , ‘hey, whoa, my friend is hot’ but in a completely respectful way. And he’s dating my other best mate anyways, they’re my OTP. But like come on, I’m sure you’ve just-”

“Yes, I have thought my best mates were hot, for fuck’s sake man, help me find what’s setting my Spidey sense off.” Regulus huffed.

“Oh-oh right, my bad.”

They poked around for a bit, looking through everywhere and asking people if they heard anything when one of the windows in a nearby apartment building shattered and out came flying a woman, limply flailing around, seeming propelled by something shoving her out.

Regulus jumped to catch her, setting her down.

He laid her down on the floor, checking her pulse and signalling for others to call an ambulance.

The broken window was a solid five floors above, so Regulus immediately started climbing up the apartment building to see what happened inside.

Once inside, he peered through to see it completely ransacked, chairs knocked over and fluff from pillows sprayed everywhere. 

Regulus turned his head to see a (seemingly unharmed) grey cat walking along a shelf up high, barely regarding him. 

From below, Regulus heard screams coming from where the woman was laying. He looked over the broken window to see the woman turn into Venom, Deadpool gathering the passerbyers and telling them to get away. 

“Get him to the park!” Regulus called out to Deadpool, pointing to the practically empty park a few blocks down.

Deadpool, apparently having heard him, started moving slowly, deflecting and dodging Venom’s attacks, to get him off the sidewalk and to the park’s field.

Regulus turned back around to the apartment, trying to see if he could find anything that could help: any correlations to Venom or Eddie this random lady might have, connections to S.H.I.E.L.D or traces of Venom left behind.

He frantically looked everywhere- photos on the wall, through every room (he noted the door to the bathroom and the door into the flat were wide open) and how the scattered furniture was placed.

He heard honking from outside the window, figuring Deadpool might be in trouble, and he looked out again. 

Further down the street, smack in the middle of the four-way intersection, where it appeared Deadpool was guiding Venom to the park, Venom exited the woman’s body. This left Deadpool standing in the middle of a busy intersection, guns blazing (literally) and in battle mode, holding an unconscious woman’s body.

Regulus could do nothing but watch with bated breath as Deadpool darted around, telling bystanders to call the ambulance for the lady.

Now, Regulus’ Spidey sense was helpful a solid 70% of the time. When Sirius was about to tackle him, when people were in immediate trouble, when it was Sunday night at 8:30pm and he had an assignment due at 12.

But there were also times when his Spidey sense really should have been working, but didn’t.

This instance was the latter.

Because how did Regulus’ Spidey sense know that there was a car driving slightly over the speed limit three streets down, but didn’t notice when the seemingly harmless grey tabby cat squelched into Venom directly behind him.

Regulus felt the hairs on his neck stand up like they were the real Slim Shady. 

Or maybe that’s just because the squelching sound was, honestly, even more disturbing than the fact that tumours can grow teeth and hair.

He whipped around a split second before Venom morphed into its full (tall as fuck) self and did the same thing to Regulus as he did to the lady, tackling him out the window.

So Regulus was plummeting.

Again.

Pretty embarrassing.

So embarrassing, in fact, that Regulus just went limp, trying to get as far away from Venom’s reach as possible.

“AW, FUCK NO!” He heard from next to them, Deadpool tackling Regulus midair away from Venom.

Regulus shot out a web to keep them from faceplanting on the concrete as they got back up to their feet, looking up at Venom. 

“Thanks,” Regulus huffed breathlessly.

“Anytime, babe-” Deadpool jumped, stepping further away from Venom, who was preparing to lunge back at them.

“WE NEED TO FIND A WAY TO GET VENOM BY HIMSELF!” Regulus called out to Deadpool, running around trying to get away from Venom.

“YOU KEEP HIM AWAY, I’LL TRY!” Deadpool replied, sliding on his knees under Venom’s legs.

Regulus steeled himself, climbing onto a parked truck to get Venom’s undivided attention.

“OI, YOU… YELLOW MARKER USED TO COLOUR OVER SOMETHING DARK BUT IS NOW A RATHER DISTRESSING BLOODY UGLY MUDDY BROWN!” Regulus called to Venom, who whipped his head around, clambering over to Regulus immediately.

He shot up a web, jumping out of the way a second before Venom tried to grab him.

Even though Venom had power and size and strength and- okay, you know what? Venom has a bunch of cool shit, but Regulus has speed.

He also has a big mouth.

He also has an affinity for sarcasm.

“Hey, you ever get really annoyingly jumpy? And even if you’re alone, it’s like, ‘what the fuck is up man?’ because you know you’re better than this and you aren’t that jumpy, and you get really mad at yourself?” He called to Venom, running out of his line of sight and reappearing behind him a few seconds later. Venom lunged to grab Regulus by the midriff, missing him by a few centimeters. 

“Yeah, exactly, jumpy like that!” He giggled slightly as Venom roared in outrage.

While up in the air, Spider-Man tried to locate Deadpool, who had apparently fled the scene, hopefully to get help or get Venom the fuck away.

“Hey, you half-eaten sandwich!” He called out to Venom again, shooting a web to the top of a nearby building. 

Regulus watched in horror as his web came back holding part of an antenna. 

His stupid fucking web missed the roof.

“H’boy,” he murmured, watching Venom grab him like an unnecessarily violent five year old boy would grab his Darth Vader action figure.

Venom dangled Regulus’ body upside down, throwing him through a nearby office building.

He grunted as his body was thrown through two rooms and glass windows, eventually ending up slumped against the wall of a break room, two girls who worked there watching him in shock.

“So, ladies… how’re your Mondays going?” He asked tiredly, grinning at them.

Venom’s hand reached back through the building to grab Regulus as he waved bye to the girls, who were… blushing?

“Hey, listen dude,” Regulus yelled as he got thrown into buildings and stomped against the ground. “You don’t have to do this, yeah? I-I can- I can take you to Eddie?”

Venom stopped completely obliterating Regulus’ bodily organs, holding him upside down midair by the foot.

“Eddie?”

“Y-Yeah! Eddie!” Regulus called out, laughing breathlessly from relief. “Just get out of the cat, and put me down, and stop… like… destroying everything?”

Venom’s eyes narrowed as he slowly lowered Regulus to the floor, dropping Regulus upside down just so his neck would crack concerningly as he fell down to the floor.

Just then, Deadpool came sprinting, carrying a bag of… catnip?

He kneeled down, ripping the bag open, which incited an immediate reaction in Venom (or, the cat inside Venom).

Venom roared shooting down to where Deadpool was, and biting off Deadpool’s legs just as the cat leaped out of Venom and started to devour the catnip.

Obviously, this reduced Venom to black goop (or W*******’s cum).

“Get him!” Deadpool, who’s motion was limited, told Regulus, who was frozen in shock. He chucked Regulus a special S.H.I.E.L.D-issued container used specifically for storing Venom.

“Oh- right,” Regulus caught it, trapping Venom like you would a stray cockroach and bottling him up.

🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️

The cat, who was officially high off catnip, leaped up onto Regulus’s shoulders as he walked over to Deadpool, warily holding the bottle of Venom.

“So… how are we doing this?” Regulus asked, looking down at Deadpool.

“Well… the good thing is I still have a majority of my dick,” He narrowed his eyes at Venom’s goop. “Hope you enjoyed that, gaybo.”

“No- I mean how am I transporting you?” Regulus sighed.

“Oh, easy, get rid of that bloody cat on your shoulders and carry me on your shoulder like a bindle. You know, those sticks with flannel on them that hobos use to run away from home?”

So that was how Regulus transported Deadpool, riding limping into the sunset bright glow of J. Jonah Jameson’s huge fucking forehead from the billboard as their outro theme song played Deadpool grumbled about Venom giving him a circumcision.