ba de ya! fighting symbiotes in september!
“This isn’t how I like to hurt my knees when I’m in uniform, man,” James groaned, peeling himself off the ground. “That’s gonna leave a carpet burn.”
“What the hell, dude!” Spider-Man yelled, webbing down from where he originally was before James let go and fell.
“It’s- I’m fine, can you just snap my knee back in place?”
“ Why did you do that?” Spider-Man groaned, sliding on his knees in front of James and physically recoiling from his predicament.
“... I have ADHD.”
“Yeah, no shit Sherlock, why- no, how did you let go?”
“I was too busy talking about the superhero underwear I own- wait, were you really not listening?”
“Nah.”
“I- ouch.”
“I DON’T KNOW HOW TO SNAP KNEES BACK IN PLACE LEAVE ME ALONE!”
“Not that, the blatant disregard of my interests.”
“Oh, so I’m doing good?”
“I dunno, my whole leg is numb.”
“Well stand u-”
“FUCK!”
A beat of Spider-Man being deathly still with widened eyes, hands hovering over James’ leg.
“Yeah it’s not numb anymore. I don’t even know if that’s how it’s meant to be. That’s fine, you did good baby boy.”
Spider-Man let out a breath of relief, fanning his face. “Well now we still need to go to Veno-”
He was interrupted by a distant roar coming from somewhere near.
“Nevermind, he’s here instead, what a gentleman.”
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
“Where did you put this guy last time?” Spider-Man yelled to James, ushering citizens out of the way.
“Um- just this way ma’am- yeah, I took ‘im to S.H.I.E.L.D!”
“To what ?”
“Watch out!”
“What- aw man, dude,” Spider-Man leaped forward where Venom had knocked down a whole ass billboard, webbing it up just so it didn’t hit the people underneath.
Once they had gotten everyone out of the scene, they started looking around to isolate Venom.
Of course, this guy was as tall as a 7’7’’ tree. His eyes were as white as toilet paper rolls and his teeth were as slobbery as an alien symbiote with slobbery teeth. Wait, was it even a ‘he’?
“What are your pronouns?” He yelled to Venom.
“Shut up!” Spider-Man whacked him again while loosely encasing Venom with his webbing.
“SPIDER-MAN!” Venom roared.
“Nuh uh, that’s my man,” James scoffed, twirling one of his swords on one finger, charging towards him brandishing it.
Honestly, Venom was doing a pretty good job keeping them both at bay. That roughly translated to: they were cooked.
Venom had all but thrown both of them to the ground multiple times. This was what Euphemia would do if James forgot to bring the garam masala from the shops.
He groaned from the ground, preparing himself to get back up and fight, when he was tapped on the shoulder by a sprinting Spider-Man.
“We gotta regroup! Get on!”
He hopped up. “Uh, okay, I can do this.”
He sprinted after Spider-Man, grabbing onto his leg just as he lifted up off the ground, webbing them up to the roof of a building.
Apparently, Spidey wasn’t the only one who had excellent wall scaling powers, so did Venom. A multitude of other insects did, too.
So they weren’t special like James.
Nobody was.
*entitled huff*
“Uh, okay, I’m just gonna leave you here,” Spider-Man lifted James onto a ledge of a window. “You- you just stay here for a few, and I’ll be right back to regroup.”
Then he jumped off.
“WAIT- oh shit, there goes my man.”
Spidey jumped off and flung a web a few floors under where Venom was climbing up.
“This is gonna hurt buddy,” he rapidly jumped up, kicking Venom off the building from below to the ground below, webbing him up and tilting him away so he didn’t hit the crowd of onlookers and reporters watching them.
James wished that he could say that he was being heroic and trying to get onto the roof by himself.
Key word: wished.
Spider-Man crawled back up to James, grunting a quick “grab on” before scaling up the rest of the building as quickly as possible.
James peered over the edge to see Venom in perfect health and launching himself back up the building. Looks like someone saved their game progress.
Obviously James couldn’t say that regarding one eventful night when he was 14-
“Deadpool! Stay with me, man. So what’re we thinking? What’s our plan of attack?”
“Well… to be honest, this guy was best as a normal dude, so what I’m thinking’ is that we try to get the guy out from the symbiote. Then we-” he was interrupted by Venom pouncing on the roof. “Aw, bugger off! I was on a roll!”
They immediately started running into fighting, throwing… like… kicks and punches or whatever. He will admit, they were in almost perfect synchronisation.
“You know what would be really good with this scene?” James asked.
Spider-Man sighed, turning around and crossing his arms while back-kicking Venom. “What?”
“If we had the music from the guy playing in the background.”
“What guy?”
“You know, his name sound like an open shopping bag or handbag used to store and carry small items and a brand of portable coolers.”
“Totebag-esky?”
“Yeah!”
“Wait- you mean? No. You’re messing with me. Tchaikovsky?”
“Is it? I dunno, it’s the singer dude from a while ago.”
“First of all, he’s a composer of classical music from the mid to late 1800’s.”
James sighed dreamily. “Oh, how I love hot nerds,”
“Shut up.”
“Uh.. hey! What’s your name?” Spider-Man called.
“Venom!” It called back.
“No, I’m talking about the guy, what’s your name?”
“Eddie!” Venom barked.
“Can I talk to the g- Eddie?”
Venom opened up its head to reveal the same guy from before.
“Hey, bro!” James called.
“Uh, hi,” he was sweating and slightly panting.
“What’s the whole deal with the Venom symbiote thing, bud?”
“It’s not-” he was cut off by black veins seeping up through his neck.
He started talking to himself.
“Yeah, well we should be able to say. No, I get that we’re not- okay, fine. Fine. Fine! Fuck, leave me alone you paras- okay fine I won’t say it. But you talk back to me like that and you’re getting ejected. Indefinitely. Fucker.”
James and Spider-Man looked at each other, puzzled.
“Should we say something?” James muttered.
“Nah, let them sort it out.” Spider-Man mumbled back. “We’re retreating.”
They snuck around behind a water tank on the roof to continue their discussion about method of attack.
You know, this was all very reminiscent of James, Sirius, Remus and Peter playing COD (Call of Duty, for all you numpties who have never been around a teenage boy for more than one minute).
James ducked his head out from behind where they were hiding, seeing Eddie come to a conclusion with Venom.
Well, it was now or never.
‘Never’ because they would be dead.
“Hey!” James yelled from where they were hiding.
“Shut up!” Spider-Man hissed, whacking him.
“You kind of look like Tom Hardy!” He continued.
Spider-Man paused, tilting his head and standing up to get a better look. “Hey, he kind of does.”
“He’s hot too.”
“Dude! You’re pretty hot too!” Spider-Man called out.
James stood up, leaning his elbow on Spider-Man’s shoulder and looking at the Venom dude.
They both stood there for about 10 seconds nodding in solidarity at the guy’s hotness.
“Th-thanks? …Aw, dude, are we really doing this again ? Just as my self esteem was kind of getting restored.”
Venom seeped in from an unwilling Eddie’s veins again, fully transforming back into Venom.
“Aw, Ed! I liked that guy, even if he was American,” James sighed, preparing to jump back into battle.
He punched Venom right in the stomach, something that should have blown him back a few metres, but instead that clingy ex-esque liquid stuck to James’ hand.
“Ewewewewew get it off get it off!” He squealed in a very manly manner, shaking his hand off.
“You can’t hit it with full force!” He yelled to Spidey. “Be quick with the hits!”
Spider-Man nodded, going into full combat with Venom as James tried to find a way to get them down off the building without disrupting where people where standing on the floor.
Shitty idea, obviously, because Venom found a way to do that waaaay quicker.
By throwing himself and Spidey off the fucking building.
“NO WAIT- fuck, what am I even saying? This guy won’t listen to me,” he grunted, trying to get down to the ground as quickly as possible without tearing off a limb in the process.
He looked down to where they were freefalling while fighting. A commendable act, because James knew from experience that shit was as hard as he was while watching Bullet Train (2022).
“We are NOT doing that!” Eddie yelled to himself/Venom.
“Yes we are!” The Venom voice replied.
“You’re gonna fucking kill me!”
“It’s fine, this place reeks of heroes! You’ll be fine!”
“You are not doing this!”
“We have to! We were told so!”
“No, you’re gonna kill me you fucking parasite!”
“Alright, that’s it.”
“No- no wait I’m sorry!”
James was so enraptured by their old married couple-esque bickering that it took him a few seconds to realise Venom had ejected Eddie, who was now freefalling as well, just faster and closer to the ground. Also, he had no superpowers. Little hiccup.
“Deadpool!” Spider-Man, who was a little caught up had yelled up, insinuating that James was to go save more lives than he already did with his crazy good looks and shocking sharp wit.
“Now or never, Potter.” He muttered to himself, remembering everything he had learned from his swimming (yes, he did have a swimming bod too, one at a time ladies) and diving down, trying to get down to Eddie before he got to the ground.
It’s safe to say that the air was knocked out of him, but he had also grabbed Eddie before he plummeted to his death, so that was a win in his books.
“FUCK YOU!” Eddie called up, flipping off Venom, who blew a kiss (?) back.
“So… are you guys… like… dating?”
“Aw, wait, he doesn’t have a host.”
“A what?”
“He need a host to do shit- he has to have a host,” he explained breathlessly, getting slightly frustrated. “This means your eight legged friend is about to become a host.”
“...Oh snickerdoodle.” He slowly looked up to see Spider-Man violently trying to shake the Venom ooze off him, eventually spreading all over him and turning into a premium brand Venom x Spider-Man crossover.
He had gotten a design upgrade, apparently. While he still had the same stature and height, his face was melded into one akin to Venom’s. He still had a bit of his red mask peeking out and a white venom covering from above the hips. That was more of a design flaw, because something gave James the feeling that Spidey wasn’t in control of that vessel anymore.
So, in this scenario, we’ve got Spidey with a little extra black goo attachment.
“Get outta here,” he pointed for Eddie to go stand where the police and fire department were lined up with reporters as he squared up to face Venomised Spidey.
“Hey, looks like your friendly neighbourhood web slinger’s turned into your not-so-friendly neighbourhood goo slinger!” He yelled up at where Spider-Man was landing. “No? Tough crowd, oh well.”
First off, fighting a venomised Spidey was no picnic. We’re talking agility, proportional strength of a spider, extra super strength, webs and a bunch of other stuff.
At least we still had Spider-Man’s sweet ass to look at in intervals where James was laying down, temporarily KO’d.
“Someone crank the tunes!” He turned around to the onlookers. “No? That’s fine, I’ll just do it myself.” He backflipped away from Venom/Spider-Man.
“Ba de ya! Say that you remember! Ba de ya! Dancing in September! Ba de ya! Never was a cloudy dayyyy!”
This beautiful singing was interrupted occasionally by grunts of pumelling or getting pumelled by Venom/Spider-Man.
Even though James’ combat skills were doing a great job of keeping Venom/Spider-Man away, he had to figure out a way to separate them, just enough so he could take them where they needed to go.
Maximum effort!
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
Okay, quick time skip, you’ll figure out why in due time, but your favourite anti-hero was back with some high tech assistance!
A S.H.I.E.L.D- patented raygun projecting electro-magnetic frequencies and sonic pulses!
(James had no fucking idea what that implied in the slightest, he just saw ‘raygun’ and ran with it.)
He just had to get close enough to Venom/Spider-Man to use it.
“Spider-Man!” He called. “You know me, man! This isn’t you, dude- okay, that was a very pick-me speech, I’m just gonna shut up.”
He squinted in the distance to see Venom/Spider-Man charging towards him.
“Time to make the chimi-fuckin-changas.” He growled, charging as well.
Venom/Spider-Man shoved James up against a brick wall *vine boom* and webbed him to it *vine boom (x2)*.
Just as Venom/Spider-Man pulled his fist back to dislocated James’ jaw in the unfun way, he whipped out the raygun and shot at Venom/Spider-Man, keeping it controlled on one point.
Phew, I didn’t completely fuck up! James thought as he saw Spider-Man’s face (mask, technically) emerge from the parasitical herpes-esque Venom symbiote.
“D-Deadpool,” he grunted.
“Yeah sugar?”
“Fucking pull me out.”
“Oh-OH! Right!” He tore himself away from the webbing and reached to grab Spidey’s head to pull him away, being careful to not touch Venom.
Crack! He stopped in his tracks as he heard (and felt) a crack coming from Spider-Man’s neck.
“Are you… alive?”
“Bloody hell, yes, you just pulled too hard, hurry up!”
Finally, Spider-Man popped out of the womb, backward rolling on the ground to stabilise himself.
“Nice! Superhero landing!” James applauded. “That’s really hard on your knees, you know?”
“Get- get the fucking Veno-” Spider-Man leaped forward to try to contain it at the same time as James.
“All that hard work, down the drain. Quite literally.” James sighed as they watched Venom mutilate itself back through the drains once again.
Spider-Man kneeled down, dropping onto his back on the ground. “I need a fucking chiropractor.”
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
“So, guys, where’s the host?” James asked the police officers who he told Eddie to go to.
“Uh…”
“Did you lose him ?”
“Is that it?”
“That’s a reporter from the Daily Bugle, my god.”
“Oh.”
“Got ‘im!” Spidey called from behind, emerging from the crowd with an arm slung over Eddie’s shoulder, who was yawning and cracking his knuckles, more as a nervous absent-minded tick than a menacing gesture.
“So should we take him?” The police officer asked.
“Um, no thanks, I- we have somewhere.” James said.
“Where?” Spider-Man tilted his head questioningly.
“Speaking of which, our ride is here,” James nodded his head to the ever- mighty S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier.
Which wasn’t there.
“I said, SPEAKING OF WHICH, OUR RIDE IS HERE!”
Then the cloaking device was turned off, making James seem like less of an oaf with a probability of being schizo.
“Are we getting on that?” Spidey asked, staring warily at the set of steps descending.
“Yeah!”
Spider-Man looked up at James suspiciously.
“You trust me, right?”
“Nope.” Then he guided Eddie onto it, walking up the ramp.
“Thank you, London! Goodnight! Tips are appreciated, the company pays us nothing!” He blew kisses to the crowd, who was more confused than throwing pounds upon pounds on the ramp.
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
“Welcome, Spider-Man, and… Deadpool.” One majestic ass looking Nick Fury regarded them as they waved goodbye to Eddie, who was being escorted away by S.H.I.E.L.D agents.
“Who the fuck are you?” Spider-Man asked warily.
“Well, I’m a brat when I’m bumpin’ that,” James interjected.
He giggled nervously at the glare he was being given by both Spidey and Nicky.
“Welcome, baby boy, to the S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier, arguably one of the best places on earth other than my parents’ house and Lady Gaga’s house. You might ask, why, Deadpool? How are you so beautiful and funny, Deadpool? Well, Spidey, this is why. Hey, boys!” He called to the nearby agents.
“Play it!”
They rolled their eyes before playing the song.
You know that one black guy doing a dance in a maid outfit that went viral on TikTok 2021-ish? That’s how James was dancing.
“DO YOU REMEMBER? THE 21ST NIGHT OF SEPTEMBER!”
“Not the voice crack.”
“Shut up, Webhead-LOVE WAS CHANGING THE MINDS OF PRETENDERS!”