24/7. 365. at 1000000%. send tweet
“You have nice teeth,”
“What?”
“And a nice jawline.”
“Are you kicking your feet? Get off the table.”
Deadpool huffed, rolling off the table where he was looking at Regulus, who had his mask pulled up to under his nose.
Director Nick Fury walked in, hands behind his back and stood in front of the table far too large for the both of them.
“So,-”
“Nicky, my main man!” Deadpool exclaimed, getting up from where he fell on the floor while rolling off and sitting on the arm of Regulus’ chair, almost squashing Regulus’ hand. “What’s up dude?”
Fury sent a glare Deadpool’s way that was, admittedly, pretty impressive for only having one eye.
“Always a pleasure to see you, Deadpool.” He remarked drily.
“Aww, thanks Nicky, anytime, any place.” He blew a kiss to Fury, who ignored it and refocused his attention on the both of them.
“So what you two have been called here for is-”
“So how’s Agent Coulson?”
“Let the guy talk,” Regulus huffed pushing Deadpool off the arm of the chair.
“Aw, come on Webs, we’re toight-” he crossed his fingers together, sliding back on the table “- see? He even gave me a matching eyepatch!”
He pulled out an eyepatch out of nowhere, putting it on.
“The tag’s still on it, dimwit,” Regulus reached out and took the eyepatch, looking at the tag. “Medieval pirate costume? From Costume N Party?”
“Hey, what can I say, halloween 2009 was crazy.”
“First of all, I did not give him a matching eyepatch. Secondly, can I continue? Great.” Fury put up a hologram footage replay of Venom rampaging a building.
“Venom,” he paused the footage at a still shot of Venom in his full form punching the daylights out of Regulus.
“Not my finest moment,” Regulus winced.
“But also-” Nick changed the footage to where Eddie transitioned from Eddie to Venom, black veins seeping up his neck. “-Venom? What do we know about him? We have Eddie Brock, the symbiote’s most recent and preferred host in S.H.I.E.L.D manufactured containment cells, but the actual symbiote is still out there, somewhere in the streets.”
“But aren’t the S.H.I.E.L.D prison cells - or whatever they’re called - what he was put in before? Who’s to say he won’t get out again? Also, if they’re S.H.I.E.L.D manufactured containment cells, how did he get out in the first place?” Regulus interrupted.
“That’s exactly what we need to know: what Venom is. We’ve got our best scientists working on the footage and trying to figure out what components Venom is made out of and how it was made. What we need you two to do is try and locate Mr Brock and stop Venom from causing any more damage. What we’ve found is copious amounts of security footage of a blob looking eerily similar to how Venom looks as he slinks away and out of Mr Brock wandering around the streets and ‘possessing’ pedestrians. This suggests that he needs a compatible host to fully be in tune with both the human body and alien body. Obviously, this is a very quick description of what’s going on, but the main thing is S.H.I.E.L.D having connections to you both in real time to capture Venom and get a close up look at him when he eventually resurfaces.” Fury deadpanned, looking at Regulus. “Is he asleep?”
Deadpool shook Regulus awake, whose head was leaning on the table in a way that, to be honest, made the (increasingly worrying) crick in his neck worse.
“Huh? Yeah, got it, compatible hoes, Venom components, locate and stop him.”
“More or less,” Fury shrugged.
“ What? How come I get in trouble when I fall asleep?” Deadpool protested, gesturing at Regulus and accidentally smacking him in the face.
“Because you do it far too often and I happen to know that Spider-Man just got possessed by a symbiote. Also, he retains and processes information better than you.”
Regulus mumbled and sent a tentative thumbs up to Fury from where he was falling asleep again.
“Come on, man, don’t leave me alone here,” Deadpool poked his cheek. “You were fine five minutes ago, how are you crashing now? ”
“I haven’t slept for more than five minutes at a time in 51 hours and I haven’t had an alarming amount of caffeine or sugar in a few hours.”
“Oh. Whoa. Someone get this guy coffee, stat!” He yelled out into the hall as Regulus facepalmed, scrubbing a hand down his masked face.
“No it’s fine, I don’t need-”
“Thanks man,” he walked back in and handed Regulus a coffee made in record time. Except it had a maroon lipstick mark on it.
“Did you steal this from someone?”
“Perhaps,” he shrugged. “No biggie.”
“I-” he sighed, giving up, popping the paper lid off and chugging the entirety of it.
“That jawline…” he sighed dreamily as he got swatted away.
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“Um, Fu- Director Fury?” Regulus asked as he walked back into the room.
“Yes, Spider-Man?”
“If this helicarrier place is meant to be for superheroes, how come I haven’t seen any walking around?”
If divine intervention was a thing, (which it probably was, because Sirius managed to get a boyfriend before the government considered him a permanent threat and contained him in a maxiumum security prison), it would take place then.
Some blond guy with a buzzcut and a swimsuit looking suit (Regulus couldn’t talk though, he had a spider on the front and back of his full-body covering red and blue spandex suit) with a ‘4’ on it moonwalked in, shooting a flame up from his pinky finger.
“My bad,” Regulus muttered, rescinding his previous question as Fury walked back out to take care of S.H.I.E.L.D other-worldly things like what the fuck Britney Spears is up to right now.
“Aw, this isn’t the kitchen, I needed whipped cream. You know, for Ben.” He acknowledged the presence of Regulus and Deadpool, strutting up to them and holding out his hand for Regulus to shake. “Johnny Storm, you know, Human Torch, Fantastic Four, incredibly sexy NASA rocket pilot and dirt bike rider playboy?”
“…Spider-Man, but the huge spider on my chest gives that away, I guess. And before you ask, no, I don’t shoot webs out my ass.” He shook Johnny’s hand firmly, setting his own hand on fire. He retracted his hand, slamming it on the table repeatedly until the flame fizzled out. “Fuckin’ hell,” he muttered.
“Oh shit, sorry dude, it comes with the job. Doesn’t pay well. I just steal money off my sister’s boyfriend. Well, husband, but he’s a nerd, so he’ll always be demoted, personally.”
“I wish my brother’s boyfriend was rich,” Regulus sighed.
“I wish I was rich.” Deadpool sighed in the same tone.
“YOOO, if it isn’t my favourite dude, Jjjj…ust another superhero!” Johnny walked over to Deadpool, dapping him up and getting him in a headlock.
“Yeah, nice save, Jonathan Lowell Spencer Storm,” Deadpool huffed, trying to MMA tackle Johnny back.
“Shush,” he grunted, Regulus watching nonchalantly as they tackled each other to the floor, squirming around trying to get each other to tap out.
Regulus rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, leaning his hip on the wall.
“Hey, Spidey, take a photo of us, will ya?” Johnny handed Regulus his phone as he took photos from all angles. All angles.
“There, fireboy, I got a nice shot of your ass for the OnlyFans.”
“Thanks Spider-dork.” He walked past as Regulus caught the hand that was about to put him in a headlock (shoutout Spidey-sense!).
“Cool guy,” Regulus remarked as he retreated. “Well, not literally cool.”
“Yeah…” Deadpool nodded in agreement, looking deep in thought and crossing his arms. “Set my dick on fire once. He wasn’t even close to it, it just… lit up. He was across the room showing off his powers, next thing I know, phwoosh, there goes my children.”
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
“Have you got cigarettes?”
“No, Spider-Man, we do not have cigarettes.”
“Weed?”
“No.”
“Cocaine?”
“Why-why would we have cocaine?”
“I dunno, I’m just stressed. I stress smoke. Or if I really need to I wouldn’t be completely opposed to stress snorting. So you have nothing? At all? ”
“Spider-Man.”
“Hm?”
“It is 2:00am and you are testing out fight simulators on the S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier.”
“I- is this meant to be a flight simulator? ‘Cause then I’m doing this all wrong.”
“No I said a fight simulator.” The PA speaker repeated throughout the fighting/training room.
“Oh okay, then I’m doing this right,” Regulus delivered one final punch to the robot simulator, tackling it and taking off its head “Um… I’m not paying for that.”
He heard the huge metal doors slide up behind him, Deadpool walking in and apologising to the agent on the other side of the PA system.
“Sorry, he hasn’t slept, he gets aggressive… and illegal when he hasn’t slept. When he’s tired, however, he gets cranky. You don’t wanna see that.”
“When have you seen me tired and cranky?”
“You were tired, like, last week and flipped me on a sidewalk and broke my neck.”
“And I’ll do it again, huh? Come at me, tough guy!”
“Ookay, that’s enough of the helicarrier, come on.” He tossed Regulus over his shoulder (once again???) and walked out of the fight/training room. “Fury? Take us back to Kansas.”
“Not actual Kansas, just drop us down in London somewhere where we can get home, you have our addresses, right? Of course you do, what am I sayi- whoa, I really am tired. I feel like Donnie Darko, you know when he-” Deadpool shut him up by pressing a leather-clad finger to Regulus’ lips. Damn, he really should’ve let that mask stay all the way down.
Earlier, Fury had pulled them both aside and had Agent Mcgonagall collect their personal details separately.
She was a strict looking woman who apparently didn’t take any shit. A commendable trait, truly. Which Deadpool, expectedly, took advantage of.
(“Aww, hey Minnie!” He waved to her excitedly. “Her name’s Minerva,” he explained to Regulus.
“Thanks… I’ll stick to Agent Mcgonagall.”
“Suit yourself,” he had shrugged.
Once Regulus was alone with her however, she noticed that he was still holding the coffee cup. That lipstick mark? Curiously, matched hers exactly.
“I…” he looked panickedly from the dismantled coffee cup he was still holding to her face. “I d-didn’t take the coffee. Deadpool did, you know, the guy who’s gonna look like a bruised foot when I get outta here and find him. And not a good foot that gets creepy old men hard and thousands of dollars on Feet Finder. An ugly goblin’s foot.”)
Anyways, back to Regulus trying to get out of this nightmare helicarrier and into his messy nightmare bedroom.
“I- Fury? Fuuuury?” Deadpool called out, turning around and temporarily making Regulus feel like ejecting all that coffee back out through his blowjob hole. “Don’t leave me now, we need to skedaddle! I’m sorry for leaving sentient monkeys in your office! I won’t do it again… maybe.”
“You what? ”
“It’s really not that deep, it was just a little-”
“Stop turning around, you dimwit, put me down.”
“Oof, we’ve got a tired arachnid. Fuuury!”
Apparently all of Deadpool’s whinging paid off, because the huge hangar doors opened up, essentially forcing them out of the helicarrier.
“Thaaaaaaaanks!” Deadpool yelled, sliding off.
Regulus panicked for a split second before realising that he was fucking Spider-Man. He used his webs to make a makeshift parachute, grunting and grabbing onto a freefalling Deadpool by the scruff of the neck like a puppy.
“My knight in shining armour,” Deadpool swooned as they got on the ground aggravatingly slowly.
“Night.” Regulus turned to walk away.
“Remember, Webs, we’ve got training tomorrow too!”
“Don’t remind me,” Regulus grumbled, pulling his mask back down and swinging off to his flat. For being Spider-Man, that exit felt very Batman of him.
24/7.
365.
At 1 million percent.
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
“It’s fucking cold,” Regulus muttered bitterly the next morning, rubbing his arms to keep warm and glaring up at the relentless sun that was still deadset on being present even if it didn’t provide any fucking warmth.
“Whoa, chill the swearing, you’ll never catch yourself as an aristocat at this rate.” Deadpool lightly nudged Regulus, in the same position waiting for the S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier to appear so they could finish whatever business they had to do.
“Do-do you mean- are you referencing the movie Aristocats or are you trying to say aristocrat?”
“What’dya mean? It’s aristocat.”
“No it’s not, Deadpool, no it’s not.” Regulus sighed, patting Deadpool on the back consolingly.
He watched Deadpool squint as the shade of the helicarrier fell over them. “God?”
“Nope. Just me.”
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
“I assume that you two have people that are aware of your secret identities outside of S.H.I.E.L.D in your personal lives. We need their details and their significance in the rise of Spider-Man and Deadpool.”
“Deadpool and Spider-Man,” Deadpool muttered.
Fury side-eyed Deadpool as he continued pointedly. “So whether that be costume designers, fighting instructors, media managers or just people you’re close to that know, we need their details and phone numbers just so that they can sync up whatever they’re doing with the superhero tech. Obviously it will all be anonymous, just for practicality.”
“I only have one person that knows,” Regulus added.
“Me too,” Deadpool spun both his guns on two hands absentmindedly.
“That’s even better, it’ll be more efficient when they communicate with each other.” Fury slid two sheets of paper, asking them to write their person’s name and contact details and how they helped with the whole superhero aspect.
Regulus started furiously writing all the basic details: ‘Evan Rosier, costume and tech designer,’ blah blah blah.
He heard breathing down his neck and turned around quickly, flipping his paper over to glare at Deadpool.
“My bad, dude,” he shrugged. “I wasn’t copying the answers. Definitely not.”
“This isn’t a test!” Regulus exclaimed, finishing writing and retreating to give it to Fury walking backwards, narrowing his eyes at Deadpool.
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
Regulus was panting and sweating, limbs splayed out on the floor, leaning on Deadpool.
Okay, wait.
No.
Regulus didn’t mean it like that .
They hadn’t fucked.
‘Training’ required Regulus and Deadpool to be pitted against each other, put in the training rooms and told to fight each other: no powers, no weapons.
This was especially difficult because the whole Spider-Man style of fighting included delaying threats, using his webs to tie people up. The whole concept of hand-to-hand combat was lost on the average bad guy, only being used when worse came to worse and he had no choice.
Deadpool, however, relied on his weapons. The whole assassin assailant brand he had built for himself heavily included using his guns and katanas.
But one thing they both had in common - while they could both do it pretty well, the whole hand-to-hand combative martial art confrontational fighting style wasn’t their go-to strategy, especially amongst themselves.
“That… was exhausting,” Deadpool panted.
Fury walked up to them, from where he was watching them fight from a one-sided mirror high up in the huge training room.
“Now,-”
“Water,” Regulus wheezed.
They were tossed two water bottles, both yanking their masks off up to their noses and chugging the whole bottles in one breath, Regulus’ vision going white from genuine thirst.
They both pulled their masks back down, looking up at Fury as he continued explaining.
“ Now, we have communication devices for you two, used like watches and built into your suits that you can collect as you leave from the science labs as you leave. We also have superhero phones for you,-”
“Aw, sweet, for my Joker x Batman hentai!” Deadpool exclaimed at the same time as Regulus exclaimed. “For playing Episode!”
Fury screwed up his face in confusion as Deadpool and Regulus scoffed about “old people”.
“Actually, they aren’t for your sick and twisted Internet escapades, they’re to communicate with each other.”
“Oh, okay, so instead of looking at Joker x Batman hentai I’ll be in Deadpool x Spider-Man hentai. Noice.” Deadpool nodded slowly, enjoying the new revelation as Regulus turned around, flicking the back of his head and leaning on him again.
“They’re for communication about the whereabouts of Venom and- you know what? Whatever. Act out your porn. Just get Venom.”
Deadpool gave an enthusiastic thumbs up, taking Regulus’ hand as well and maneuvering his fingers to make one too.
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
“If you keep your mouth open like that, I will stick it in.”
“My mask is on, how did you know?”
“I’m assuming your jaw didn’t unlatch like a snake just now?”
“Okay, fair enough. That noticeable, huh?”
“Toootally.”
Regulus shrugged and looks back at the science labs, marvelling at the bustling agents moving carefully around high-tech machines and chemical compounds.
“Doc Connors, huge fan,” they heard from behind him.
“Huge fan? Where?” Deadpool looked above them.
“He means of us, dipshit,” Regulus rolled his eyes under the mask.
“Anyways, I assume you’re here for the communication devices?” Connors handed them watches that immediately started welding themselves into their suits once put on.
“Thanks, now, when you made the carburetor on that machine-” Regulus pointed to a machine in the corner of the room “-did you make it out of-”
He was interrupted by Deadpool squatting down and looking at a liquid in a vial on a lab table near them. “How much you wanna bet that tastes salty like snot?”
Regulus pursed his lips, pulling Deadpool up by the arm and leading him out of the labs sheepishly, calling out to Doc Connors. “I’ll be back to ask more, don’t worry!”
“Whoaaa,” Regulus looked around at the array of other labs, no doubt for other fields of research, as they walked out.
He saw Deadpool’s mask move, but didn’t hear anything come out of his mouth.
Either Regulus was in shock, he had been listening to too much music and had gone deaf, or Deadpool became mute in the spur of the moment. “Huh?”
“I mouthed ‘NERD ALEEEEERT’,” he shook his head fondly. “-Wait no I’m sorry don’t web me to the wall again!” He exclaimed as he started sprinting away.
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Regulus sighed, collapsing onto his bed once he got home. Shit, he had to call Evan later and tell him about the whole S.H.I.E.L.D thing and how he had to communicate with Deadpool’s person and whatever.
He felt his phone buzz as he pulled it out. Nope.
He pulled his other Spider-Man phone out, crinkling his eyebrows at the message Deadpool sent him.
DP
(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ yo baby boy ♥
𝓰𝓪𝔂 𝓪𝓯 𝓽𝓸 𝓫𝓾𝔂 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼
𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓶𝓮𝓪𝓷 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 '𝓹𝓪𝓬𝓴𝓪𝓰𝓮' '𝓬𝓪𝓶𝓮' 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 '𝓶𝓪𝓵𝓮'
what the fuck
why is your font like that
f̾u̾n̾!̾
that font’s what my spidey sense feels like ngl
anyways
besides the point
if i get sent
ANY
shitpost tweets while i’m busy
you’re dead
𝓰𝓪𝔂 𝓪𝓯 𝓽𝓸 𝓫𝓮 𝓼𝓱𝓸𝓻𝓽
𝔀𝓱𝔂 𝓪𝓻𝓮 𝓾 𝓼𝓸 𝓼𝓱𝓸𝓻𝓽?
𝓭𝓸 𝓾 𝔀𝓪𝓷𝓽 𝓽𝓸 𝓰𝓮𝓽 𝓹𝓲𝓬𝓴𝓮𝓭 𝓾𝓹?
𝓫𝔂 𝓞𝓡𝓗𝓔𝓡 𝓜𝓔𝓝???
KYS
gay af to use question marks
what are you questioning
your sexuality
(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ i just fell in love ♥