nya ichi ni san nya arigato !!!
“Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie?
If looks could kill you would be an uzi
Or a shotgun, bang! What's up with that thang?
I wa-”
“Of course this happens when I can’t afford a therapist.”
“Huh?”
“Do you always sing obnoxiously when you’re about to go do your superhero duties?”
“Heh, you said doodie,”
“No I didn’t? That doesn’t work unless you’re American.”
“Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot, Webs, way to spoil the fun.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Babygirl?”
“Shut up for, like, ten seconds, will you?”
“‘Fraid not, Spidey. Why are we even walking?”
“Because I was told I’d need backup, and you can’t sling webs, fortunately.”
“I can hop on your back?”
Regulus sighed. “Really?”
“We’ll get there faster.”
Regulus sighed again, holding his arms to catch Deadpool when he jumped. “Hop on, then.”
“Really? Yippee!”
“Can you actually be any loude- oof!”
Of course that idiot had to fully leap on his back at one of the most precarious angles ever and almost strangle Regulus by putting his arms around his neck at the same time.
“Fuckin’ hell,” he let out a strangled groan.
“Giddy up, Spidey!”
He rolled his eyes and readjusted Deadpool on his back before sprinting to the nearest building, grunting a “hold tight,” before scaling a building and slinging webs - as per usual - through the buildings to get to where he needed to. Of course, except with a whole person on his back.
“What would you do if you knew I was hard right now?”
“ What.”
“No, I mean, I’m, like, not or whatever. But if I was. Which I’m definitely not. Would you throw me off your back or take me out for drinks?”
“The first one.”
“Then I’m definitely absolutely not.”
“You’re revolting.”
“Oh my god noooo don’t say that, you’re gonna make me ejaculate.”
“Shut the fuck up. I will not hesitate to drop you.”
“Drop me into them pants Spidey,”
“Can you just enjoy the scenic views?”
“There’s a guy wanking into the bin outside a pub below us.”
“…It isn’t even 1pm yet.”
“Like that’s bothering him. Actually, what’s probably bothering him is that huuuuge rash on his- wait what’re you doing?”
Regulus had stopped and peeled Deadpool off his back, grabbing his backpack from the corner of the rooftop and getting his phone out from it. He would’ve gone straight to where the crime was (well, where the crime was starting ) but Evan hadn’t told him where it was actually happening.
“Wait when you said you were going to leave me I didn’t think you were being serious-” Deadpool started.
“I need to make a call dude, don’t embarrass me.”
“Pfft, I’m not going to embarrass you, what do you take me as? An idiot? ‘Cause then… well.. wait you’d actually be right, but-”
“Shush.”
After maybe ten rings and awkward silence, Evan picked up.
“Hey-”
“Hey. It’s Spider-Man. And I’ve got Deadpool with me.”
“Oh. Yeah, right. What did you need?”
“Where’s the thing happening?”
“Oh, you mean the raver tonight? It’s gonna be in the sewage system, you know the one under the park near your house?”
“You aren’t funny. You’re an incredibly unfunny person.”
“I, personally, thought that was pretty funny,” Deadpool added.
“Yeah, well, it takes one to know one.”
“When did you personally know Oscar the Grouch then?”
Have you ever had the first few seconds of Undone by Weezer play in your head that actually fit the situation quite perfectly? Because Regulus did. More often than not, actually. But especially then.
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
“What’re we actually working with? ‘Cause I actually don’t really know.” Deadpool remarked as they walked over to where Evan had said the crime was taking place.
“I dunno, I was told that it’s about to take place and someone’s gonna cause ‘mass destruction’ or something.”
“Uh, okay? So then can I kill them orrr…?”
“No, we need to know why they did this, and if it was just some idiot doing idiot things we take them to the police.”
“But, like, are you sure? Cause it’ll be ten times quicker if i just-“
“No.”
“Damn dude, fine.” He huffed, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes.
Deadpool’s phone buzzed from his utility belt and he took it out, holding the phone up to his ear while still being on high alert and looking around suspiciously.
“Yo. Uh, yeah, we’re here. He’s with me, yes. What. You’re kidding. Uh, yeah, sure. Okay, we’ll be there. Thanks.”
He turned to Regulus and sighed.
“Your guy was wrong, the thing’s not happening here.”
Shit.
“Well where is it?”
🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️🕸️
“Whoa,” Deadpool muttered as they walked onto the scene.
The entire street was deserted and the parked cars were practically thrown across into buildings and on their sides.
There were multiple police scattered on the floor unconscious and there were busted street lamps hanging precariously, snapped in half.
At the midst of it all, there was some bloke standing in the middle of the street with his arms placed away from his torso in a sort of NPC fashion. He looked - scared? And why was he flickering?
“Who took a massive dump here?” Regulus scoffed as Deadpool snickered.
“Come on, let’s get this blundering dunderhead.” (What the shit is a blundering dunderhead?) He unsheathed his katanas from his back, taking his signature battle stance.
“Maximum effort,” he grunted and started sprinting towards the guy, who honestly seemed more resigned than alarmed, muttering to himself.
Regulus couldn’t do anything but watch anxiously as Deadpool lunged towards the guy as he yelled “NO WAIT-“, except it seemed more to himself than Deadpool.
As Deadpool ran and threw himself at the guy, katana pointed, the guy flickered one last time and transformed into some emo looking beast, and fucking bit off Deadpool’s arm up to his elbow.
This beast was 7’7” of pure smooth, oily and black… body. He had white eyes with no pupils and huge yellow teeth that, frankly, reminded Regulus of Sirius when he was two. His tongue was actually fucking huge, probably as long as Regulus’ whole leg when if it was chopped off and fully spread out, which Regulus was compelled to do.
It spit out the katana, slightly bent in the middle and cracked around the edges as Regulus sprinted over to Deadpool, sliding on his knees to him and dragging him to lean up against a nearby car.
“What the hell just happened?” He asked.
Deadpool lifted his head slightly in acknowledgement from where he was laying down a full block’s length from where he had ran to the guy and waved Regulus off with his other hand.
“I’ll be fine, go fight the romanticised ice cream cone painted in motor oil.”
“I- are you sure? ‘Cause your arm-”
“I’m peachy, Webs, I’ve got this covered, come home soon, honey!” He waved his left over fingers flirtatiously and blew a kiss to Regulus, blood spurting from his stump of an arm.
Regulus rolled his eyes and shook his head incredulously, turning around to see the monster booking it straight towards him.
“H’boy,” he mumbled before backflipping away from him.
“I don’t think we can touch it!” He yelled to Deadpool, who was gone. Traitor. *cue Olivia Rodrigo in the backseat of a car while it rains*
“SPIDER-MAN!” It bellowed.
“Thanks for the fanfare, but you’re saying it wrong. A lot of people get it wrong, really, but it’s more ‘Spider-Man’ than ‘Spider-Man’, you know?-” He said, slowly backing away from it.
The beast flickered again before turning back into the (honestly, pretty depressed looking [just like Regulus!]) random guy.
“No, stop it. Bad symbiote. You’ve already bitten off that guy’s whole ass arm.” He said to himself, or the monster, really. Great.
This guy, other than being a total pain in the ass, was American.
Okay, Regulus, bedside manner, calm and soothing voice to the guy who’s mortally endangering the public, you and some other annoying superhero guy who’s disappeared.
“Uh, what’s your name, man?” He called out, still backing away slowly from him.
“E-” He started, before veins creeped up through his neck and arms and he morphed back into the beast. “VENOM!” It roared.
“What, all the other good goth names taken?” Regulus scoffed before jumping on top of cars and climbing halfway up buildings to jump onto more wrecked cars to avoid Venom’s weird tentacle-y limbs. Yeah, a lot of property damage was being done.
From where he was hanging onto the glass of a window with his feet, he shot a web down at Venom, hoping to get some leverage with him. Nope.
That discombobulated sponge just soaked up the web, shooting it back at Regulus, but caked in what seemed like black paint. Or angsty blood.
He narrowly dodged the web being shot directly back at him and muttered a quick “fuck it,” before launching himself down towards Venom in a way eerily akin to how Deadpool did earlier, except more precise and far more graceful.
Just as he was about to make direct contact, Venom changed back into the guy, who had no fear in his eyes, just a tired compliancy to whatever the hell his symbiote was going to do. That sent Regulus flying directly into the concrete on his front, knocking the air out of him.
He turned around, clutching his stomach and wheezing before almost coming nose-first to the guy’s fist, but it wasn’t a human fist, it was a comically large race-changed fist. Venom’s fist. Fuck’s sake, these two could half morph.
He dodged the first fist, and the second one, kicking the guy in the stomach, trying to get himself up so they could fight fairly.
Well, a 2v1 fight against a fully grown man with what seemed like a lot of disdain and a whole ass superhuman monster and a traumatised and chronically depressed gay 19 year old spider hybrid kid wasn’t a fair fight in the first place.
While he was still on the ground, a foot desperately trying to kick whatever he could and arms and a head dodging two superhuman fists, they stopped.
Completely froze.
They turned their heads slowly to look on top of a nearby truck.
To see Deadpool.
Doing the “nya ichi ni san nya arigato” dance.
With an 80’s style boombox next to him playing the song. Loudly.
“What the hell,” all three of them muttered at the same time before Regulus came to his senses and punched him square in the jaw just as he started to shrivel up and revolt away from the song, but specifically the shrill squealing layered behind it.
“ANY HIGH FREQUENCY SOUND HURTS IT!” Deadpool called from the truck, still doing the dance.
Regulus turned his head to see the guy and Venom writhing together, morphing apart and together in what could only be described as pure pain. Which fair, because that’s how Regulus felt inside seeing Deadpool do that dance.
When the guy had collapsed in exhaustion, a black, thick goo exited his body through all his pores and slithered around and into a sewer grate nearby.
“Wait, were we supposed to catch that?” Deadpool asked, stopping his dance and the music, hopping down from the truck.
“I-I think so.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
They stood there for half a minute, looking through the grate in silence, only starting back up when the man started twitching again.
Regulus walked over to the police car lying on its side nearby and used the radio to call to the department.
“Uh, yeah, we have the guy, you can get backup over here.”
He walked over to where Deadpool was standing over the unconscious guy.
“He still alive?”
“I hope so, or else we did a lot of shit for nothing.”
“We have one minute for the police to get here to get rid of this guy.”
“I only need that much time.”
“Okay, ew, first of all. Secondly, how the fuck did you get your arm back?” He poked at Deadpool’s reappeared arm.
“Well, I have this regeneration thing, and basically if I lose my finger cutting vegetables or something, my body regenerates the cells or something. I dunno, really.”
“It seems like you have a regenerative healing factor? You have some form of mutant gene so that every cell in your body inherits regenerative powers, but that also means that the mutagenic serum can’t distinguish between normal and abnormal tissue, so if you had, say, cancer, your body would replace the lack of cells with more cancerous cells. But it prevents you from being permanently injured through enhanced cell regeneration, but could also cause a psychosis throughout any of your dying cells and mental instability, since your neurons are being affected by the accelerated and enhanced regeneration.”
“ That. Was really fucking hot.”
“Shut up.”
“I think I just came in my pants.”
“ Shut. Up.”
“Well what if I told you I had a degradation kink- wait don’t hit me!”