the Mary Macdonald Playfully Untrusting Face™
“You reckon we should get Funko Pops?”
“What?”
“You know, Funko Pops,”
“Yeah I know what they are, I’m not stupid- shut up, don’t say anything.”
“I mean that we should get them. We’re superheroes, after all, so we should get an offer from the company.”
“I’ve gotten an offer already.”
“WHAT.”
“Yeah, the letter’s probably sitting around somewhere in my flat. Haven’t gotten the chance to tell them yes or no.”
“First of all, what dumbass is saying ‘nah, I don’t want a Funko Pop made after me’? And secondly, why the fuck didn’t I get an offer? I’m a superhero too!”
Spider-Man shrugged. “Maybe the public just doesn’t like you.”
“They do too, and for fuck’s sake man, say yes.”
“Now that you say that, I’m not saying yes.”
“Well maybe if you say no they’ll finally think of me as an option.”
“Or they’ll stop trying to get superheroes in on their novelty scam business.”
James groaned in defeat and leaned his head on Spidey’s shoulder (and was quickly shoved off) (it was a gesture of love, really) (because if Spidey really didn’t care about him he could have just left James’ head on his shoulder) (duh) (girl math).
“Why am I waiting with you again?” Spider-Man asked, nodding his head to the station they were both waiting at, shoulder to shoulder staring at where the tube was meant to be in a few minutes.
“So I don’t get kidnapped on the way home,” James clasped his hands together and lifted one of his legs in a way eerily akin to Marinette Dupain-Cheng.
“Actually,” he continued. “It’s ‘cause I wanted to take you somewhere to celebrate our triumph against the evil forces of the world, turning our backs on societal norms and the cruel adversitary lives we would otherwise be subjected to if not for our superhuman powers and incredible macho.”
“You got that off ChatGPT,”
“Uh, yeah, you’re right. I just wanna celebrate somewhere, I was planning on just pulling you in when I got in and tackling you so you won’t be able to leave.”
Spider-Man sighed, throwing his head back and cracking it from side to side. “Fine, whatever. Just make it worth my time.”
“Oh, I’ll make it worth your time .” James winked exaggeratedly.
“Piss off, or else I’m not going.”
“No wait I’m sorry-”
Spidey cut him off by sucker punching him in the gut and huffing a quick “race you” before booking it to a completely different carriage.
Of course seeing two superheroes, once again, fuck around on public transport close to the time of literally saving the whole world isn’t the most reassuring thing. But what can he say?
James is, after all, the Resident Regenerating Degenerate.
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
“I have a question.” Spidey announced once they had crammed themselves into a secluded corner. Not that James was complaining, obviously. He would never complain about that.
“Shoot.”
“I know you, like, regenerated half your arm at record speed, but how did you get the suit arm on too? Is your suit actually a part of you? ‘Cause if it isn’t, then it would just be your bare arm, but you got your full suit on too.”
“I have a bunch of suit expendables in my pouches,” James reached into his utility belt (where most of the utility tools were used to kill people) and pulled out a suit arm sleeve and a suit foot. “See? I even have a suit piece for my di-”
“Okay, that’s enough.”
James shrugged and rested his head on Spidey’s shoulder, feeling him tense up before he eventually slightly relaxed before huffing noncommittally and leaning his head back.
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“Where the fuck are we.” Spider-Man deadpanned, crossed his arms and glared at James, who was looking around, just as confused.
They were standing in the middle of a dark alley, which was somehow as dark as it was at night at 4pm.
“To be honest, I don’t really know man, I was just hoping we’d walk around and I’d find a place for us to go to.”
“Deadpool.”
“Webs.”
“Are you saying I could’ve been in bed by now, or in maximum security prison with the time it took for your slow ass to walk us here, and you didn’t even have anywhere to take us.”
“You see, you said that as more of a statement than a question, so I’m not really too sure how you want me to ans-”
“Oh my fucking god.”
“Hey, wait, we can still go somewhere?”
Spider-Man sighed, turned and banged his head against a brick wall and turned around. “I know a place.”
“Aw, fuck yeah! Spiderdaddy pulls through again!” James hopped over the overturned rubbish bin (or dead body stuffed with explosives) and galloped to slowly jog next to Spider-Man, whose pace was surprisingly fucking quick. “Yo, did that hurt your head or something, ‘cause it looked like it did.”
“Not as much as you hurt my head.”
“Is that meant to be suggestive or something?”
“I rest my case.”
“Yeah, breaking and entering… of my heart!”
“I will replace your toenails with your teeth.”
“What if I’m into that, huh?”
“You make me want to snap my neck even more with every minute I spend with you.”
“Hey, come on, don’t do that, who’s gonna snap my neck?”
“I’m sure a lot of people are lined up for that, actually.”
“Hey!- Actually, fair point.”
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James was slumped over in his seat, waiting for Spider-Man to come back from the counter.
The “Coffee Bean Cafe”. That was the place Spider-Man had planned. Coffee that they probably couldn’t even drink because of the whole mask thing.
James honestly wasn’t really complaining, as long as he could annoy Spidey for longer until he really got sick of him.
He watched Spider-Man walk back and sit across from him.
“You know, not once has it crossed my mind that Gru was Russian,” James remarked.
“Do you think we should worry about that weird black blob crawling into the drain?”
“I thought he was just fucked up.”
“Because it’s probably going to be a whole problem, but do we really get paid enough? Actually we don’t get paid at all.”
“Did you have a crush on Scarlet Overkill or was that just me?”
“Look, we’re talking about completely different things right now.”
“Yeah, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He leaned his elbows on the table and laced his fingers, resting his chin on his hands. “But I know you’re beautiful doing it.”
“Shut up.”
“What’d you get us anyways?”
“Coffee.”
“No shit, what coffee?”
“It’s a surprise.”
“Well, a surprise it is, then. So what’s next on the agenda? More ass kicking? More hilarious banter straight from an enemies to lovers cop flick?”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
A girl who worked there walked over to them. “Uh, hi.”
When James looked up, those sexy arms and beautiful hair couldn’t be mistaken.
Actually, with that description it very well could.
James has a type in friends, apparently.
It wasn’t Sirius.
Or Remus.
Or Mary.
Or Marlene.
Wait, it was Marlene!
“Hey Marlene.” Both him and Spidey replied at the same time .
“Wait, how do you know my name?”
They both stuttered awkwardly for a few seconds before Spiderman answered.
“The- the nametag.”
“Oh, right,” she grinned at them in the charming Marlene way that James had grown to love, mainly because it was the grin that she had used to get him to buy her pizza every time they were together. “I was gonna ask, are you two, like, the real Deadpool and Spider-Man?”
“No, I’m actually cosplaying a spider and ladybug’s lovechild. This guy’s cosplaying some annoying guy, which, if you ask me, he’s doing a very convincing job of.” Spidey answered rapidfire as if he was playing charades against Sirius. (Which James had done and - a bit of advice - prepare to break out in hives once you have to guess what he’s doing while he gets angry at you for not immediately guess what animal he’s acting out.)
“Oh,” Marlene, honestly, looked as starstruck as James was whenever he sees Kali Uchis performing. “Well, my girlfriend is a huge fan, and-”
Just as she was saying that, Dorcas walked past holding a huge tray of drinks and covered Marlene’s mouth. “I’m really not, sorry guys, I respect the job and all, but she’s the huge nerd about all the superhero shit you got going on.”
She walked off, leaving Marlene lightly blushing and holding back another starstruck look.
“So… do you guys do autographs or is that too red carpet?” She took out a pen from behind her ear and handed her notepad to Spider-Man.
“Uh,” obviously he hadn’t done any proper autographs in a while, mainly because most of their interactions with the adoring public was while they were fighting crime. He finished writing and handed the notepad to James.
James saw the dramatic (yet still endearingly messy) scrawl of “Spider-Man” on the notepad and wrote “DP” on it in huge capital letters.
Just because it was Marlene, though, he drew three hearts and a wrote a “muah!” in the corner of the page.
“Give her back her notepad, dude.” Spider-Man huffed from across the table, looking at James.
“Wait, I’m almost done drawing my Snoopy!” He exclaimed before passing the notepad back to Marlene.
“Thanks guys,” she walked off, slapping Spidey on the back on her way back to the coffee machine.
“Uh… Spider-Man and Deadpool?” They heard a confused voice call from the pickup station. Spider-Man stood up and walked over to get their coffee, leaving James alone again.
Someone from behind tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around fully, straddling the back of the chair, resting his elbows on it.
Okay, rewind to when James was talking about his beautiful amazing georgalicious bestest friends ever and how their beautiful hair and ethereal, jaw droppingly, mouth salivatingly irresistable arms. You remember that? Great, so you remember who was on the list? Sirius, Remus, Mary and Marlene, just to name a few.
But the person who had tapped his shoulder was… *drumroll*... Mary motherfuckin’ Macdonald!!!!
“Hi, Mr Deadpool? My name is Mary Macdonald, and I work over at the Daily Bugle. I was wondering if you and, uh, Mr Spider-Man there would be interested in doing an interview tonight? Entirely for your benefit (and mine) with the public, just getting to know you and the job better, to fully appreciate what you two.”
“Yes! Yeah, sure!” A beat, “I’m not sure about Spider-Man, though, obviously, because I wasn’t just speaking for him. Boundaries are key, kids! But I can ask him, I am his favourite person ever, anyways. He’ll be more likely to favour me.”
“Uh huh, sure, but I think it’ll help your case more if I’m standing here with you.” Obviously that was not the first time James was faced with the Mary Macdonald Playfully Untrusting Face™, so he was completely used to being faced with it as Deadpool.
He watched Spider-Man explain that they really were the real Deadpool and Spider-Man you were seeing on the telly every day and walk back with their coffee.
“Hi?” James saw Spidey’s eyes widen slightly upon seeing Mary, probably entranced by her beauty.
“Hi, my name is Mary Macdonald, I’m from the Dail-”
“Oi, Webs, you wanna do an interview for the Daily Trumpet?” He interrupted.
“What?” James could practically see his cute lost bunny look from through his mask.
“I’m from the Daily Bugle, as I was saying,” A pointed look at James. “I was just wondering if you two would mind doing a quick interview tonight. ‘Tonight’ meaning in, like, three hours. Deadpool’s already said that he’d do it-”
“-I don’t really care about that guy-”
“Yeah, fair.”
“What day is it?”
“Friday.”
“Friday? Okay, uh, I’ll have to make a few calls, but I’ll be able to do it.”
“Really? Great! Thank you so so so much,” She hugged Spider-Man tightly, and James watched him tense up with an alarmed look and pat her lightly on the back.
“Really feeling the love here, guys,” James scoffed.
“Sorry,” Mary walked over and hugged him as well, knocking the wind out of him.
“Oof- hey Webs, wanna join?”
Spidey shook his head violently.
Mary let go and awkwardly coughed, straightening her clothes. “Okay, so, Daily Bugle filming offices around 5pm? Great. Bye!”
They watched as she whipped out her phone, chugged the rest of her coffee and started walking out, talking animatedly on the phone, saying something along the lines of: “Yeah, babe! I’m so getting a bonus!”
“We’re gonna get so many edits after this interview,” James remarked, taking his coffee cup off the table and taking a swig of it.
Of course, he was wearing his mask.
Of course, the coffee went through his mask and only partially in his mouth.
Of course, the coffee went up his nose and down his throat, making him immediately choke.
Of course, Spider-Man stood there and watched disapprovingly and embarrassed as James proceeded to fall to his knees coughing and wheezing, clutching at Spider-Man’s legs.