in da sesame hood
“Grunt of effort!” James half-exclaimed, half-actually-grunted and he flung himself off yet another building.
He was bored as shit, so of course he was seeing how tall the buildings could get before he skewered himself on a street light or just faceplanted on the road.
He huffed as he was grabbed midair and flung onto the top of another building, probably grazing him pretty seriously. Well, for the next five minutes until they healed.
“What the fuck dude!” He squinted up at the almost-dark sky to see Spider-Man (who else? Stupid James) glaring (?) down at him.
“No, you what the fuck dude.”
“- Okay that actually makes no grammatical sen-”
“Shut up for like five seconds, will you? What did you think you were doing?”
James flung some sticky spider-web residue off him (unfortunately not some other sticky spider residue), and shrugged nonchalantly.
“Imagine being five years old and seeing your favourite superhero fling himself off the building right in front of you and bleed out while whipping his dick out because, let’s be for real, you’re probably a pedo,- wait, actually, that will never happen, ‘cause I’m everyone’s favourite superhero.”
“Okay, hold the hate train, or like hate cargo ship or something. Because first of all, I am plenty of people’s favourite superhero-”
“-Yeah, angsty 13 year old boys who reek of Axe Body Spray and 7 year olds destined to be serial killers.”
“ AND SECONDLY, the hate you have for me is appalling. Pedo? Really? I love kids- okay wait. That’s not what I meant. Don’t clip that, chat!”
“Who are you talking to?”
“The chat.”
“I’m so sick of you.”
“Come on, baby, I promise I’ll make it worth your time,” James blew a kiss to Spidey, before getting a swift kick to the side. “Aw, come on, what’s Matt gonna say when he gets word of his favourite superhero kicking his other (obviously better) favourite superhero?”
“Who’s Matt?”
“Your number one fan, Webs.”
Spidey jumped slightly as his suit buzzed and he swore under his breath.
“I need to get him to fix that,”
James had gotten up and bounded (skipped like a little girl) over to Spiderman. “Ooh, who? A secret lover?”
“No? My suit designer, you over-promoted rubber bath toy.”
“Okayyy, just call me a dildo next time.”
“Shut. Up.”
“What does the buzzing mean? Will it buzz again if I do this?” James poked his cheek. “What about this?” He poked the top of Spidey’s head. “What if-”
James was falling again. Aw man, he’d blown it. Just like the street lamp on the ground below was about to blow his brains out.
Also just like he’d blown your mum last Wednesday night.
Nah, that wouldn’t work as well as if it was a guy. Which, plot twist- she is! Boom! Joke made! Laughs delivered! Purpose in life restored! You go, James!
Just before James had his inner organs become outer organs, Webs had come to his rescue again (*swoon <3*) by grabbing him with his juicy, wet and sticky… webs… and pulling him to the ground safely, jumping off the building himself and crawling the rest of the way down.
“You’re so dreamy,” James batted his eyelashes at him from under the mask and clasped his hands at his heart.
Just then, as if it were pre-planned, it started raining, like a scene straight out of The Notebook. Except it was cold, miserable and depressing London rain. But a grinning passerbyer stopped and started playing Careless Whisper on full volume on their phone.
So there they were, Spider-Man and James, staring at each other in the rain while George Michael’s majestic voice played in the background.
Of course, Spidey was glaring at him with brows furrowed visibly through his suit and James grinning at him with one hand on his cheek as if he was in shock from being asked to prom by his high-school sweetheart.
Spider-Man just started walking away and James clapped the stranger on the shoulder and did the finger guns to him before sprinting after him. Wait, was that Evan?
“Spidey, wait up,” he squinted, trying to see Spider-Man through the rain and the darkness as he practically flew five metres in front of him at all times.
He watched helplessly as Spidey threw a look over his shoulder and propelled himself onto multiple buildings using his webs. Those damn webs. Spider had proper superpowers and all James could do was heal himself.
And wield dangerous weapons with no problem.
And dodge bullets.
And kill people if he wanted.
And have a wicked sense of wit and humour.
You gotta admit, James is the real package deal.
James sighed and looked up at the sky, his hands, and then the multiple fire escapes winding around the buildings Spidey was bouncing between.
He was about to run to one of them when his phone rang.
His costumed fingers fumbled with the answer button and he put the phone up to his ear, securing it with his shoulder as he started booking it for across the street and to the first building he had to get through to follow Spidey.
“Yo,” he grunted.
“Uh, hi, James.”
“Hey Lils,”
“Are you ‘Pooling right now?”
“Uh huh.”
“Oh, okay, sorry, it’s just that I have the news up and there’s something you probably need to take care of.”
“I’m probably already on it, but what is it?”
“So there’s a guy who’s damaging property, breaking buildings and all that, and apparently beating up the police as well?
“Oh… shit.”
“Oh shit indee- what are you doing?” She huffed after hearing him grunt for the tenth time in the past half-minute.
“Uh, right now? I’m climbing fire escapes trying to get to Spider-Man”
“Right now? You know what I advise you to do right now?”
“Hm?”
“Take the tube, James.”
“But Spid-”
“Spider-Man, quite frankly, doesn’t give two flying fucks about you following him right now.” Ouch.
“Now I know you’re thinking ‘ouch, he does care about me!’ okay James, whatever you think, but I bet he’s off after this guy as well. Get on the tube, because looking at your geolocation tracking monitor right now, you’re pretty far away and I think the whole country’d prefer it if you, like, didn’t mortally injure yourself on rusty metal trying to look cool for Spider-Man.”
“Uh. Whoa. Okay, yeah, I’ll get on the tube, thanks.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Good luck, James.”
He scoffed self assuredly, even though it came out as more of a pant in his mask. “It can’t be worse than when I had my lower half severed off and had to regrow my 27 inch dick.”
“Nobody’s buying that, James.”
“How would you even know? Perv.”
“We dated in high school.”
“Oh yeah; bye bye!”
He could hear her fond (?) sigh on the other side. “Bye, James. Be safe.”
He had stopped running around frantically through and across buildings, and was searching for a tube station: the sign with the big circle and “UNDERGROUND” labelled in bright white text.
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
Nobody tells you how uncomfortable it is sitting on a seat in the tube in a latex suit. It’s practically like you’re sitting butt-naked on the seats that have definitely been pissed on and had a full Monster spilled on it at one point, probably in the time frame of two minutes.
The up-side was that nobody could see the faces James was making, because he desperately had to pick a wedgie, and definitely didn’t have time to stop to take pictures of him picking out his wedgie for the public.
He was slumped in his seat, trying to seem as inconspicuous as a random ass guy in a red suit and strapped with various weapons could be. Maybe they’d believe he’s an Elmo x the hood cosplay.
Sesame Hood.
Ghetto-me Street.
Sesam-in da Hood
The Puppets and the Pistols.
Cookie Monster Mafia.
“Mummy, it’s Deadpool,” He heard from next to him.
Oh shit. He gulped as his eye twitched and he turned his head slowly, waving at the little boy and his mother, who seemed preoccupied on her phone.
“Uh huh, of course it is baby.” She replied distractedly, not looking away from her phone.
Oof. That kid was gonna grow up gaslit for the rest of his life.
“Hey, mate,” some roadman looking guy regarded James. Fuck. He was gonna get bullied by a bunch of 14 year olds. Again.
He lifted his head slowly looking up at him, trying to seem as menacing and simultaneously chill as possible through an unexpressive mask as possible. Damn you, Lily, and your smart suit making.
“Hey,”
The guy gestured to the window behind James with his blueberry caramel drizzle strawberry pinata vape.
As soon as he scooted to turn around, he came face to face with fucking Spider-Man hanging upside down from the exterior top of the tube. What the shit?
Now imagine seeing two superheroes who are supposed to protect the whole country from downfall gesturing to each other violently and silently, both visibly mouthing things that the other can’t see nor hear. The miscommunication is strong, the swishing of suits is loud in the awkward silence, the stomping of feet and the dramatic performance is worthy of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy in that rain scene and you’re thinking, damn, people just aren’t cool anymore.
Spider-Man violently rapped on the window with his knuckles to get James’ attention and pointed aggressively for him to get out of the tube. He gave an aggressive thumbs up, which, on second thought, may have seemed more encouraging than aggressive.
He quickly stepped off at the next stop and strutted up to Spiderman, who was sitting on the floor impatiently waiting for him.
“What’s up, Webs?”
“We have a fucking guy to get rid of, idiot.”
“Well don’t you think it’s best to leave him alone if he’s fucking? Privacy is key for getting the public to respect us, after all.”
Spider-Man aggressively swiveled around from where he was walking to get up the steps, almost making James walk right into him (which James definitely wouldn’t be complaining about).
“Have you been checked for ADHD?”
“Mm-m.” He shook his head, running up to walk alongside Spidey. “But I’m pretty sure I’ve contracted a few STD’s, probably a result of ADHD. Oh wait, maybe I do have ADHD, wait, I definitely do, I meant I’ve probably been tested, like, once, in year 8, but then I was pretty unbothered and hormonal so…”