fuck deadpool, man
“The reappearance of the masked ‘superhero’, (ex mercenary) self-named Deadpool parts citizens right down the middle with mixed opinions-”
Fuck that guy. Regulus could name at least ten politicians less annoying than Deadpool.
What name was that, anyway? “ Deadpool”. Sure, “Spider-Man” wasn’t any better but at least you won’t get frowned upon if you say his name in a preschool.
He was impossibly unnecessary, first of all. London (and surrounding cities) didn’t need two superheroes, this idiot could fuck off and fight crime in New York, for all Regulus cared. He was here first anyway, it took the public long enough to get used to Spider-Man flinging himself around street corners, much less some weird guy with katanas strapped to his back and knives up his boot.
Second thing: colour schemes. Regulus was here first, so naturally he should get to keep his own colour theme, red and black had always (always) been Spider-Man’s thing. So you can imagine Regulus’ annoyance when this guy rocked up wearing black and red saying some cringey shit like “oh yeah, it’s so people can’t see me bleed” well Regulus could easily argue that with the fact that being shot twenty times in the span of three seconds might cause a little bit of blood to leak out, therefore making the whole point of having a red suit redundant. Not only did this guy have to go with the red and black, but also steal the white eyes concept? Okay, it’s giving wannabe Spider-Man except with brute force instead of instinctual precision that Regulus honed with admirable grace.
An insistent banging on his door broke Regulus out of his vexed reverie.
“I can fuckin’ hear the news Reg, let me in!”
Regulus was sick of that voice. (He wasn’t, actually, but he was sick of his internal Death Note-esque monologues being interrupted by this person.)
“The door is unlocked, you git, come in!” Regulus called back, turning the news off and tossing the remote between the sofa cushions, never to be found again, probably. Barty practically fell through the door, kicking his shoes off and hopping over the back of the sofa to sit next to Regulus lazily.
Barty was a dick. He was also Regulus’ best friend, so that was a given. How they got through high school without tearing each other apart or going on a Scream franchise-esque rampage together was beyond them and everyone they met.
“I need a drink,” Regulus muttered, pushing Barty out of the way and walking over to the cabinet in the kitchen to produce a bottle of half-empty vodka. He reached for a mug but stopped himself when he realised that meant he would have to do the dishes. He narrowed his eyes at the half-empty bottle and shrugged, walking back over onto the sofa where Barty was looking around and under its cushions.
“Where’s your remote man?”
Regulus shrugged, sitting down cross-legged on a couch cushion that Barty was rummaging under, effectively trapping his arm under it.
“I literally heard the news two minutes ago, how did you lose it?” He muttered while pulling his arm out under Regulus and flicking him on the arm. “Anyways, did you hear about that new superhero guy? Deadpool? He’s all over tv.”
Regulus rolled his eyes, swiftly chugging from the bottle before replying. “Yeah, I’ve heard about him. Strikes me as a bit of a dick,”
Barty leaned back on the couch and threw his legs onto Regulus’ lap. “I dunno, maybe, but he’s kinda hot,” he picked at a stray hangnail and grinned. “Maybe it’s just a mask kink, 'cause that Spider-Man guy’s pretty hot too, personally.”
Regulus scrunched up his face and threw a look over at Barty. “You’re just horny, Barty, Deadpool is a dick, we already have a superhero, we don’t need some other guy encouraging people to start causing more trouble.”
Barty snorted, for he knew very well that he was , in fact, horny. “Can I have some?” He put his hand out for the bottle.
“No, fuck off,” Regulus swatted that hand out of his way and chugged the rest of the bottle without breaking eye contact.
Barty shook his head at Regulus’ stubbornness. “Completely batty, you are, some way to treat the love of your life.”
He stood up and went to dap up Regulus, which he pointedly ignored. He shrugged and muttered something under his breath that was along the lines of “someday” and started walking towards the door, searching for his shoes on the way.
“Well I’d better get going, I was just around the area, and decided I’d drop by,” he started pulling his boots on and grabbed his phone and keys. “Hey, Reggie?”
Regulus tossed his head over the backrest of the sofa and looked at Barty upside down.
“Yes?”
“You’re fine, right? Don’t need any help?”
Regulus huffed and rolled his eyes yet again, taking a deep, exhausted breath. “I’m fine, Barty, I don’t need any help, I’m not five.”
That was the thing, while Regulus grew up abused, he was also insanely spoiled when it came to basic chores and self-maintenance. When his brother was disowned and left the house, Regulus’ mental health declined further, leaving his resolve to take care of himself at an all-time low. His friends helped him through it, helping him buy an apartment and teaching him how to use a washing machine, but sometimes he didn’t eat for a few days or didn’t clean or wash the dishes.
But having Barty, usually one of his less overbearing friends, ask if he was alright was a pretty low blow. It took everything in him to not yell at his friends and just tell them “I’M SPIDER-MAN! I’M ABSOLUTELY FINE! I HAVE SUPER POWERS AND I SAVE PEOPLE AROUND THE COUNTRY DAILY! I DON’T NEED YOU TO WORRY ABOUT ME PICKING UP AFTER MYSELF, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”
He had to settle for muttering something about how he’d eat something soon instead.
Barty put up his hands in a surrendering position, opening the door and walking halfway through it. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I know you’re capable.” He closed the door and opened it before Regulus could sit back up properly. “Lock your door, by the way, dude.”
Regulus pulled his phone out of his pocket and found himself on YouTube searching “Deadpool best moments compilation”.
Well, it was actually “deadpool besr moments compilsyion” because who actually spells everything right in their YouTube searches?
He clicked on the first video and slightly glared at the immediate clips of Deadpool listening to rap and drawing (?) and jumping off highrise buildings (which Regulus did all the time, by the way). There was a specific clip of him getting stabbed through the skull and not even flinching, which struck Regulus as a bit show-offy, but that’s just him. There were far too many clips of him making quippy comments in the middle of a fight, dancing in the middle of a fight and flirting with a lot of people in the middle of a fight.
He just seemed unprofessional, really.
But Regulus could show him and all the teenage girls in the comments thirsting after him that Regulus was way cooler. Because if anyone who remotely knew Regulus, after calling him a “cutie patootie”, they would call him stubborn.
He set his jaw and went to message Evan, the only person in the world who knew of Regulus’ superhero persona.
annoying prick
oi
rosier
evan
evan rosier
fucks sake reggie what
so
have i told you how much i value you as a friend
you need me to modify the suit
i already know
you’re gonna upstage this deadpool guy
ffs reggie
well since you already know…
what r ur ideas
Regulus grinned and sunk into the couch.
Fuck Deadpool.