reinforcing the james potter simp agenda
“Who will you be tonight? That’s the question. Who will Gru be tonight? That’s the question.”
James was sat with a pen and notebook. Not a sentence often heard, sure, but James had a mission. You know, besides saving the world every single day.
He was going to write his feelings. Suggested by his true love, Lily Evans. Of course, she was a lesbian and in a loving relationship with one Mary Macdonald, but everyone knows that their burning love could never be diminished by the boundaries of one of them having a “relationship”.
He’s kidding, by the way, infidelity is a big no-no and he supports lesbians!
Deciding to listen to music was a bad decision, obviously, because James was singing and trying to figure out what the song would sound like if it was sung by the minions instead of the incredibly talented 13 Grammy Award winner Pharrell Williams.
“Wait, what am I doing? I never listen to Lily.” James chuckled at his stupidity and tossed the pen and notebook behind him, kicking his feet up and crossing his arms behind his head, almost not wincing when he heard various clattering behind him.
“James Fleamont Potter, the love of my life and the light to my soul, I’m home!” Sirius announced, opening the door with a flourish, followed by Remus, who was desperately trying not to drop the pizzas and drinks while closing the door and locking it behind him.
“OH MY GOD SIRIUS BLACK?” James jumped up and ran to Sirius, tackling him to the floor.
“Holy shit,” Remus just barely dodged them with the pizzas and looked down disapprovingly. He lightly kicked the tangle of limbs and sighed. “You fuckers have been away from each other for one hour.”
James lifted his head from the floor to goon grin up at Remus. “One hour too long without my sweet fuckbuddy,” he ruffled Sirius’ hair before being endearingly swatted away. Well, he hoped it was endearing, or else he had a whole world of passive aggressiveness from Sirius waiting for him.
“The fact that I am not in the least bothered by that statement, as his boyfriend, is incredibly concerning.”
“Well that’s cause you’re my fuckbuddy as well!” James actually wouldn’t mind that, they’re both really hot, but then again, there’s that whole infidelity thing. They’re also James’ OTP, so seeing them break up would break James apart, even if that meant he would get broken apart in a different way.
“Get off the floor or else Pete and I are eating this pizza by ourselves.”
James and Sirius immediately started struggling to get untangled and stand up, which Peter, who had just also walked in, had the unfortunate fate of walking directly into.
“Holy fucking hell, I have Mario Kart with me, but now I think just Rem and I should play if this is what you two are gonna do over pizza.”
Remus groaned. “Nah, this is because they haven’t seen each other for an hour, imagine how bad it’s gonna be when Sirius and I get our own flat.”
Peter snorted and walked over to the kitchen counter, pouring drinks in four glasses, two with Code Red Mountain Dew and the other spiked with Red Bull and whisky.
You can probably guess who got what.
After pulling James and Sirius apart and off the floor, they huddled up on the sofa and started watching TV with pizza laying all around them (James would inevitably end up finding a full slice of pepperoni pizza under his rug in two weeks, shrug and try to eat it, only to find out that what he thought was clumps of cheese was actually lint. Canon event, you can’t interfere.)
Before anyone could skip to Netflix, the news played at full volume. You know, that one channel with the really hot celebrity journalism segment reporter. Or maybe James was just a gossip whore.
“Deadpool? Who is he? This masked vigilante appearing to put an end to any crime going on?”
You can imagine James’ absolute shock when his fursona superhero persona was blasted onscreen with text running through the bottom of the screen.
“Whoa, he’s kinda hot,” Sirius commented when a clip of him running around and leaning casually against a bashed up car trying to talk to bad guys between hilarious one liners. He will admit, he’s fit as fuck.
“Not as hot as Moony though,” James blew a kiss to him as Remus ruffled his hair.
“Thank you, James.”
Sirius shrugged helplessly. “What can I say, we’ll never be as good boyfriends as James Potter.”
James shushed him, putting one finger against Sirius’ lips, missing because he was too busy looking at the TV and almost sticking his finger up Sirius’ nose.
The news reporter continued. “Our ‘friendly neighbourhood superhero’, beloved Spider-Man, shows off his undeniable skills with a performance on the Tower Bridge-”
A striptease!
“-using his infamous web shooters to craft a very special message for said Deadpool.”
Oh. Nevermind.
A photo panned onscreen to where another reporter was standing, the Tower Bridge behind him. It displayed the words “FUCK DP” in webbing. “DP” obviously stood for Deadpool, somewhat offending James.
You know, he always thought Spider-Man was kinda hot. But it’s fine, James has a degradation kink anyways.
Onscreen, a figure emerged from the bridge and ran up to the reporter, slinging an arm over his shoulders and leaning forward, talking into the mic.
“Hey guys, it’s Spider-Man here, I just wanted to say, sorry can I just-” He took the microphone off the reporter and walked up to the camera, tilting it to face him. “Mr Deadpool, if you’re watching, *BLEEEEEEEEEP*”
The censoring went on for maybe a full minute and a half, in which James was practically swooning because the Spider-Man was talking about him!
Also, Spider-Man had made modifications to his suit, because of course James noticed. The suit was black at the sleeves from his fingertips to his elbows and from his feet to his knees. The spider on his suit also seemed more defined and prominent.
He leaned even closer to the camera, if that was even possible without getting smacked in the eye by it, and James was enraptured. He didn’t know who was under the suit, but it was such an intimate moment between Spider-Man and Deadpool, until James realised what he was saying.
“You see this?” He picked at the black part of his suit. “This is how people don’t know if you’re bleeding, you *BLEEP*”
That was it. James was gone. Even after they had changed the channel onto Netflix. Even after Sirius and Remus were fighting over what to watch and Peter had to choose. Even after they all got completely wasted and passed out on James’ floor. Spider-Man had flirted with him!
🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️🏎️
James had a body clock. Like, ingrained into him. Even without an alarm. Even if he was completely wasted and hungover. He was up by 8 and making breakfast for all four of them. Then it was Remus, then Peter, and then Sirius who was, by far, the most painful to wake up.
After five swift kicks to the nuts each and a semi-busted nose, they had finally gotten Sirius to wake up and drink some coffee.
“I don’t get how you like that shit,” Sirius wrinkled his nose, staring at James’ protein smoothie.
“It literally tastes fine, Pads” James rolled his eyes at Sirius’ insistency that there is no way that you can make kale and protein powder taste somewhat alright. “How’s your brother?”
Sirius’ demeanour changed immediately, turning somewhat shy (as shy as Sirius could get) and soft.
“He’s good, it’s been going really well, actually. There haven’t been any huge blowups between us recently and we’re, you know, bonding,”
James loved seeing Sirius like this. All giggly and brotherly about his brother, Regulus. He’d never actually met the bloke, but he knew that he was a year younger than they were, around 19, and stayed with the Black family much longer than Sirius had, finally giving up and being disowned the day after he turned 18, followed by their parents’ “untimely death in a car accident” a few months later and inheriting a shitload of money and therefore becoming head of the family.
After reaching out and giving Sirius his what his inheritance was originally, they started talking again, and after weeks of trying to get to a talking point without either one of them breaking down, they were at a good point, on the way to recovery.
James’ phone buzzed in his pocket. It was Lily.
god is a woman and a ginger
potter
lily <3
did you see the news last night
fuck yea
wait now isnt the time for ur degradation kink
its always time for my kinks fym
stfu
ur in deep shit man
ur lucky im your manager tho
frfr
hello?
is that it?
lils?
oh yea js wanted to remind you how cool i am