Chapter 1
Sirius was the last person Regulus would have ever expected or wished to encounter on this specific night, this specific moment, at the highest level of the astronomy tower.
Merlin, Regulus could not even remember the last time they spoke to one another. It must have been years, back when his brother had first stormed out of their home to the Potters, and since had avoided him at all costs until he eventually stopped trying. Strangely, those memories seemed so distant yet still played in his mind so vividly. When his eyes had been blurred by tears as he begged his brother to stay only to be met with a cold stare. His brother had seemed so much taller then, compared to the boy in front of him now, on the floor with his back against the wall and marks of tear stain down his cheeks, who he had to pull back from the balcony window only moments ago.
He is drunk. That is the first thing Regulus noted. Drunk out of his mind, it seems. He reeked of sweat and firewhiskey, his usually well-kept hair plastered against his forehead. No, not well kept, Sirius had not been bothered to care for his hair for weeks. They did not speak, no, but Regulus had noticed in passing glances of the grey bags that seemed to be growing deeper and deeper under Sirius’s eyes, nowadays often red-rimmed. Rumours grew too, of the squabble that apparently occurred between the infamously inseparable marauders. Regulus didn’t know the details, and hadn't bothered to, he had assumed it to be a simple small dispute, one that would be resolved in just a handful of more weeks. How wrong had he been, staring at the mess in front of him that is his brother. He should have known nothing is ever simple when it comes to Sirius.
“Wha-” Sirius shakes his head in confusion, then snaps his head up “Pron-”
“You should not be here.” Regulus cuts him off. He pretends not to notice the sliver of hope dim in Sirius' eyes dims into disappointment.
“Oh… it’s you.” was the only answer he received.
Regulus sighs. Trust me, I don't want to be here either. He thinks. He had only left his dorm for some peace and to distance himself from whatever tension Bart and Evan are feeling up lately. It’s times like this he wishes for Pandora. Dora would always know just the right things to say, but alas, it’s only him.
“It’s me.” He nods, and crouches down with one knee to the floor. Now he sees directly into his brother’s eyes. “Sirius, what’s going on?”
“Don’t.” Sirius scoffs, “ Don’t pretend like you care.”
Regulus stares on. The comment stings in a way he didn’t expect it to. Did he truly care? After all? After Sirius had left him alone at that mansion, sobbing, with not a single ally or friend left against their whole family? After Sirius had avoided him like a plague when they both returned to Hogwarts? It is not fair to say he didn’t try. Out of the two of them, was he the one who didn't care?
“Well, I’m here, you’re here, no one else wonders about this tower this late, and I don’t really have anywhere else to be. I’m perhaps the best you've got as a companion.”
His brother opens his mouth, but Regulus is quick to shut it down.
“Don’t bullshit me, Sirius. You have been off kiters for weeks, that whole gang of yours has been odd lately. You reek of liquor, your face is a mess, and I just had to literally pull you down from that window. Tell me what’s going on, Sirius. Or I’m not leaving.”
“Oh, has perfect little Regulus learned how to swear now?”
“Sirius, I’m serious”
“No, you’re not, I am.” Sirius wipes his nose with the back of his sleeves and sniffs. The smile he pulled only seem forced. His face still flushed and his words slurred. “It was supposed to just be a prank.”
“Sirius…” Regulus scoots closer, unsure of what to say. “I… don’t understand.”
“Pfft,”
Regulus blinks. The sadness still clouds over Sirius, but a laugh cracks on his face.
“You really haven’t changed at all, Reg.”
He must have said the right thing, because when he rests his hand awkwardly on Sirius’s shoulder, his brother doesn't flinch away. Sirius simply reaches up his other hand and places it over his, and the faintest smile ghosts over the corner of his mouth.
They sit, in perhaps the most comfortable silence they had shared in years.
“Listen, if I didn’t care, I would have left you here already. You don’t have to tell me what happened, you are entitled to your truth. But at least allow me to stay? just this once.”
the smile drops.
“The guys… I went and fucked it all up… fuck!” He curses, then sniffs again, hands covering his face as he leans back.
“I fucked it all up, Reg, it’s all my fault… I can’t, I can’t lose them. Not Moony, not Prongs, no, not James, I can’t lose him, he’s like my brother…I can’t…”
Regulus recoils.
The word “brother” repeats over and over in his head with a ringing in his ears as if he had been slapped. Perhaps he did, it certainly hurt like so.
“You…what? what do you mean?” he says, then recognizes his own heavy breathing between the words. “Brother?”
Sirius’s flinches, as if he had not meant to say it out loud. “Fuck, Reg, I didn’t mean-”
“FUCK YOU, you know that? Fuck. You.” There is a stinging in his eyes and his brother’s face blurs, the world feels like it’s spinning but Regulus can’t bring himself to care.
“You selfish asshole!” He searches his vocabulary for any vulgar insults he could find. “you pathetic, vain, selfish asshole!!”
He scatters to his feet, stumbling a few steps back.
“if he is your brother, then what the FUCK am I?! What the FUCK am I to you Sirius?”
“This is why you abandoned me, isn’t it? Just left me at the mansion and avoided me like the plague because you already replaced me, didn’t you?”
“I asked you to come with me!”
“I WAS ELEVEN!” Regulus cries. “ I was a child, and you were expecting me to leave behind all that I have known. Have you considered the fact that I was scared?” He demands, trying hard to suppress the edge of desperation in his voice, a difficult task when you’re currently screaming yourself hoarse.
“Have you ever even given me a chance? Or have you cast me away long before you even left? Outside of the house, you had your little group, you had your Potter boy to turn to, what did I have besides you?”
“Don't you pin this on me!” Sirius screams back. “You already knew how it was for me and yet you still sided with them, you played your perfect little heir! You chose to stay!”
“Oh, did that delusional head of yours really think Mother would have allowed both of us to leave? and leave the family without an heir? Have you ever considered perhaps I was suffering too?
“DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? She would have chased both of us to the end of the world. I didn't leave with you that day because I was afraid, but don’t mistake it as I have chosen this. After you left, I played the perfect heir because you are gone. I stayed, so you get to be away.”
He waited for a comeback but there was only silence. Large, shocked eyes staring into him had already said more than anything. The last ounce of his anger already drained away with the shouting. Right now, Regulus just felt really, really tired.
He steps forward, slumps his back against the brick wall, and slides until he’s back on the floor trying to catch his breath.
Sirius just continued to stare for a moment. “You didn’t leave.”
Regulus sighs, he doesn’t bother to look Sirius in the eye. “Someone’s still got to keep you from doing something stupid.”
“Look, Reg, I’m-“
“No.” He shakes his head. “Don’t bother. Save your apologies and don’t reach out to me again after tonight. I’m done.” His throat felt like sandpaper, voice was barely more than a whisper, but he knew Sirius heard him. “I’m done.”
He doesn't remember how long they sat like this, with only the sound of each other’s breathing. It could be minutes, it could be hours. Until a sound of rushed footsteps stomping on stairs approaches closer. A dishevelled James Potter pops up to the door, causing both of them to turn their head.
“Sirius! Oh thank Merlin, you’re safe, you’re- whew…” he stops mid-sentence to catch his breath, looking like he had run all the way here.
Regulus looks up to the boy who stole his brother away, the boy with the dorky smile and a big heart, the ray of sunshine Regulus could never be.
“Well,” he says, supporting himself up “Your brother is here, looks like I’m not needed here anymore.”
He walks past Sirius, then past James Potter’s puzzled looks. He hears voices behind him, soft inquiries of concern from James to Sirius. He dared not to look back at Sirius’s face.