Chapter 3
Regulus -
Regulus woke up in a cold sweat. He shot up in his bed. No, not his bed. The hospital bed. He was in the hospital wing and what happened last night wasn’t a dream. James Potter saved his life. James Potter caught him and pulled him up to safety and if he didn’t he would be dead. He would be marching down to James and cursing him if his entire body wasn’t throbbing in pain.
He looked around and realized there’s nobody else around. Madame Pomfrey was either in her office or tending to other students. Regulus inhaled a massive breath and held it in for a moment. He exhaled only when he felt a heavy pressure in his chest begin to build. The material of his clothes felt different than the sweater he had on last night. He looked down to see the black sweatshirt and sweatpants covering his body. Thank god he had a sweatshirt on, or someone would see his arms.
Somebody did see his arms, though. He knew he wasn’t the person to get up and put new clothes on, it was Madame Pomfrey. His face started to get hot and he felt sweat prickling out of him. He went so long without anybody seeing his arms, and now someone has. Out of all of the people that could’ve seen him, he was glad it was her and not a random student who would bully him for the rest of his time at school.
James.
James had to have seen his scars when he pulled him up from the Astronomy Tower and carried him to Madame Pomfrey. James saw everything. He knew James was shocked when he wrapped his hands around Regulus’ arm and expected there to be more than bone. Oversized sweaters only work when somebody isn’t touching you. But James touched him. Regulus could feel James’ wrist wrapped around his. James was probably disgusted with him, with his body. He saw it one time and now it would be permanently etched in his mind. The fresh wounds over healed scars that covered the expanse of his arms, that have looked that way for the past two years. It wasn’t only his arms. Regulus discovered that there were other places less obvious with more room to continue harming himself. If James saw that - if anyone saw that, they’d be disgusted.
Now, instead of wanting to curse James for not letting him die, he wanted to make James forget everything that happened. He wanted to make himself forget what happened. He wanted to march right back up to the Astronomy Tower and actually jump. If he left now, who would notice him? Students were probably wandering around the halls, but no one payed close attention to what Regulus did, so they wouldn’t even be phased.
Regulus swung his legs over the bed, letting his feet touch the cold tile. His vision was blurry and his head is throbbing, but when was it not? Constant migraines were the result of not sleeping and not eating. Regulus preferred the physical pain of not eating rather than the mental pain he experienced when he did eat. He stood up slowly, letting his body adjust to standing after being in that bed for who knew how long.
There was a pair of dark brown slippers that Madame Pomfrey must’ve put out for him, so he slid his feet into the soft material and began walking. Every step he took caused a shooting pain to crawl up his neck and into the back of his head, but he ignored it. It won’t matter in the end. He just needed to get back to the Astronomy Tower.
He exited the hospital wing and started his journey back, ignoring any weird looks he got from students that walked by him. His hair was a mess and the dull pain he felt in his nose and cheek must mean he had a rough bruise forming. The further he went, the more tired he got. He could feel himself shaking uncontrollably, and his empty stomach was making him nauseous.
At some point, his feet stopped moving. He just stood in the middle of a random hallway, not moving. He reached out for something to hold onto for balance, but when he extended his arm, there was nothing. His knees buckled and a stabbing pain in his stomach made him fall to his knees in agonizing pain.
Regulus let himself fall. Maybe that pain would kill him. Maybe him carving his arms until there’s no untouched skin left and starving himself for days at a time was finally paying off. Maybe he didn’t have to force himself off of the Astronomy Tower to die.
His vision went black as he let his head hit the ground. He prayed for nobody to find him. He prayed that James was on the other side of the campus and he wouldn’t save him again.
Footsteps stomped against the floor as Regulus felt himself fade away. It’s a funny feeling, dying. Regulus felt like he was floating. It was peaceful.
Let me die, please, just let me die.
-
Regulus woke up in the hospital again. This time, he gave up. His limbs felt like putty and his head hurt so bad he couldn’t see. He knew it was James whose footsteps he heard. James saved him. Again.
Why was it always James?
-
James-
James hadn’t stopped pacing since he pulled Regulus off the edge two days ago. Every few hours he went to Madame Pomfrey and just watched her tend to Regulus. He asked her about the marks on his arms and she shook her head.
“I’m afraid I don’t know what to tell you, James,” she said, shaking her head sadly. “Until now, I was completely unaware of his situation.”
James wanted to punch himself and he wanted to punch Sirius and all of Regulus’ friends and Regulus himself. How could they all be so stupid?
“I don’t understand how nobody noticed.” James said, pacing across the hospital floor. “Why did nobody notice?”
“You can’t fix someone who is determined to stay broken, James.” She told him as she took Regulus’ temperature.
“I just-“
“Enough, James.” She demanded, looking at him. He stopped pacing. The fingernail he was picking at was bleeding. “Do not hurt yourself by worrying about him. He’s alive, that’s all that matters.”
James wanted to scream. James did scream. He went back up to his dorm, empty of his roommates because they’re all in class and he was forced to be by himself for two more days. He sat down on his bed and screamed into his pillow. At one point, he found himself crying. James cried until he can’t physically cry anymore. His head was pounding again. He remembered Madame Pomfrey demanding him to go back to her whenever his head started to hurt again, so he forced himself out of his bed and back down to the hospital wing.
On his way down the stairs, he heard a strange noise. It sounded like someone was groaning in pain. James followed the sound into one of the secluded hallways. Most people used that hallway to sneak away and snog their significant other, and for a second James thought he made a mistake and went to turn around before he saw something he does not want to see, when a familiar head of black hair caught his eyes.
Regulus. He was hunched over on the ground, clutching his stomach and trying to keep himself up. James watched his strength give out and his back hit the floor.
“Regulus!” James shouted, sprinting over to him. He managed to put his hand under Regulus’ head before it smacked onto the ground. His eyes were barely open, and he was muttering something James couldn’t understand.
“Regulus, stay with me!” James demanded, heaving his head up onto his thighs. Regulus shook his head softly as a tear ran down his cheek.
“Let me die…” Regulus whispered, almost silently.
“What?”
“Please, just let me die,” he said. Regulus’ eyes closed and James shook his head.
“Regulus, don’t!” James shouted. “No, I won’t let you die!”
Someone entered the hallway and James snapped his head around to look at them.
“Evan!” James yelled, causing Evan to stop in his tracks.
“What the fuck, James?” Evan yelled, running over to them. “What the fuck happened?”
“He just…” he had to tell Evan. “He tried to…Evan…he tried to kill himself and I saved him and now he’s…he’s not breathing!”
Evan helped James carry Regulus to Madame Pomfrey in silence. When they arrived at the hospital wing, Madame Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall were whispering frantically to each other, and when they saw James and Evan, they went silent.
The rest of his day was spent in McGonagall’s office, telling her everything that happened. Evan was there too, and when James finished telling McGonagall about the Astronomy Tower, he found Evan staring at him in disbelief. James realized Evan was crying, and that’s when he realized he was too.
McGonagall dismissed Evan after he gave his story about finding the two, and James tried to follow, but she ordered him to stay.
“James, please,” she said, motioning to the chair in front of her desk. “Sit.”
James sat. McGonagall looked at him for a moment, not speaking. When she did speak, James wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear.
“How are you, James?”
He sat on the chair with his knees curled up to his chin. He didn’t look at her.
“How do you think I am?” He asked sharply. He immediately regretted it.
“I think you went through incredibly traumatic events in a very short amount of time, and you’re struggling.”
“I’m fine. Why are you so worried about me? You should be focusing on Regulus, not me. I’m not the one who tried to throw myself off of the Astronomy Tower.”
“You almost died saving him, do you know that?”
Of course James knew that. He remembered practically jumping over the railing to catch Regulus. Half of his body was folded over the railing. The only thing that kept him alive was his feet.
“James?”
“This isn’t about me!” James shouted abruptly. He got out his chair and slammed his hand on the desk. “This isn’t about me, do you know that?! I’m not the one who tried to kill myself! I’m not the one who digs a knife so deep into my arms there are massive purple scars on my wrist! I don’t starve myself for days on end just to try and escape my horrible fucking life! That’s not me, that’s Regulus! And you’re not even worried about him! He left without anybody knowing and was trying to get back up to the Astronomy Tower.”
“James, please-“
“He begged me to let him die. Did you know that? He begged me to just leave him and let him die there.”
McGonagall didn’t say anything. She inhaled heavily before standing up.
“I am more than aware of Regulus’ habits. Believe me, James Potter, I have tried to help him.”
James scoffed. “Yeah, well you didn’t try hard enough.”
He stormed out of her office before she could say anything. He ignored Sirius, Remus, and Peter when he got back to the dorm. They just stared at him and he slammed the door shut and crawled into bed, shutting the curtains without saying a word. Sirius still didn’t know. Would he ever know? Or would James have to keep Regulus a secret? How was he supposed to continue on with his life knowing what Regulus does to himself? Was he just supposed to go back to not speaking to Regulus? To continue staring at him from afar and looking away whenever he returns the look? James felt sick to his stomach.
James fell asleep with the image of Regulus’ cold body on the ground below the Astronomy Tower. He dreamed about what would’ve happened if he stayed at that party. How Sirius would’ve sobbed uncontrollably into his arms at his funeral. James dreamed about joining Regulus.
James woke up sobbing into Sirius’ arms.
I don’t deserve this comfort, he thought to himself as Sirius ran a hand through his curls. Regulus does. Sirius should be with Regulus, not me. Sirius should be with his brother.