Even Stranger Magic

Sirianna Lily Hammond-Potter was not a coward.

Sirianna was the daughter of war heroes, a Gryffindor at heart, and she was not someone who hid herself away when she was scared.

It was precisely why Sirianna was once again at the Hawkins City Pool, sitting on the edge of it with Chrissy. El and Max were swimming together in the ‘medium' part of the pool while lifeguard classes were being held in the deepest end.

Every few moments, between watching El to make sure she wasn't drowning, Sirianna would stretch her neck up to check on Billy. Billy was in a line with the other applicants, inside the pool with his hands on the side of it. Sirianna could see him, could see that there was no way Billy could be touching the bottom of the pool, and she felt sick all over again.

"Are things still weird?" Chrissy asked, kicking Sirianna's foot under the water with hers. Chrissy blew a kiss to Jason, waved at Steve. Billy looked up when Jason waved back at Chrissy and Sirianna shamefully looked away to check on El.

El didn't mind the water, she splashed Max with a big grin on her face.

"I don't know," Sirianna admitted. Things weren't great, exactly. Sirianna and Billy hadn't talked about the ‘L-Incident' since the day it happened.

Billy had been wrapped around her, warm and sweet and perfectly imperfect. Sirianna was torn between exasperation at what an idiot he was and fondness for everything Steve told her that Billy said to him.

It didn't matter if Billy was high and drunk, it had been kind and Billy had been standing up for his friend. It reminded Sirianna of Neville Longbottom, telling her and Ron that he wouldn't let them go after the stone with Harry and Theo.

Then Billy went and opened his mouth and ruined the sweet moment between them.

"I love you."

Sirianna didn't say it back, she didn't know - didn't know what it… what did it mean?

What did love mean to Billy? What did it mean to her?

Chrissy was sympathetic when Sirianna told her about it. It made Sirianna feel better when Chrissy said that there wasn't any rush for Sirianna to say it back.

Billy… Billy didn't seem thrilled about it though. And Sirianna wanted to say it, but she wanted to mean it. She wanted to know if he meant it.

So it had been tense.

Sirianna had still agreed to show up the last two days to watch the lifeguard classes happening. Chrissy rode with Jason, they watched Billy's sister and Sirianna's sort-of-sister swim. Chrissy had swam the first day they were there, Sirianna didn't.

There was nothing that was going to convince Sirianna to put her entire body in the water. It made her skin shrink on her bones to even have her feet in it. If Sirianna so much as slipped… her head would go under and the water would replace all of the air in her lungs until it forced her down to the bottom where her body would stay forever.

Nope.

Sirianna had secretly wondered if Billy chose the worst possible summer job as payback for her not saying she loved him. Maybe Sirianna's payback was him making her agree to watch Max while he trained.

Except Billy wouldn't do that to her, Billy wouldn't torture her because she didn't say she loves him.

"Has Billy said it again?" Chrissy asked. Sirianna had to shield her eyes to look over at her, the sun was blinding. As soon as she saw Chrissy again, she sighed regretfully.

Why did Chrissy have to look like a beauty queen in her peach-colored swimsuit when Sirianna looked like an idiot in the red one that Chrissy loaned her? Sirianna didn't have as many curves as Chrissy, her hair didn't lay down her back in perfect waves.

Sirianna turned back to the girls and watched Max as she held her arms out, apparently trying to help a giggling El float on her back.

"No," she answered Chrissy, Billy hadn't said it again. It was sort of the unspoken tension between them. Sirianna hated it, she hated knowing they were silently at odds. Billy meant so much to her, he was everything that Sirianna used to dream about a boyfriend being really.

Billy was handsome, clever, kind when he wanted to be. Sirianna didn't know to dream about someone who knew what pain was, knew what loss felt like. It made them match, match in a way that Sirianna knew she couldn't do with anyone else.

Billy was also an arse on occasions, he was quick to anger and stubborn as hell. That only made them more evenly paired though - even if it also made Sirianna insane on occasion.

Sirianna wanted to love him, she wanted to be loved by him. But Billy had lost so much, been burned so many times, Sirianna didn't know if she was the person that wouldn't hurt him again.

She was already hurting him, she knew it. Billy still held her, kissed her sweet and slow when they were alone. Nothing had changed aside from the two degrees of space that might as well have been tangible between them.

It was in Billy's eyes, his blue, blue eyes too. They were so unguarded around Sirianna for so long that she forgot how they darkened when he was keeping his walls up.

Billy wouldn't say it again, he would never say it to her again, until Sirianna said it back.

"It's going to be okay," Chrissy told her, a sweet lie that Sirianna couldn't swallow. "I know you two are going to be like one of those couples that just stay together forever, you know? My parents met in high school and they're totally happy."

Sirianna's parents met in school as well, and they were dead.

Billy dropped Max off at their new meeting spot a block from Max's house after his class ended. Max waved bye to all of them before skating off to get home. Steve had taken El home since he was going to their house anyway and it left Sirianna and Billy alone in the car.

If it weren't for the music pounding through the car, the hard rock that soothed Sirianna's nerves, it would have been very quiet.

"You goin home?" Billy asked, that space returning between them. Sirianna swallowed hard, told herself it was stupid to cry over a simple question.

"I wasn't planning on it," Sirianna said, working so hard to keep her voice level.

Was that it? Was she going to lose Billy - who had so many better choices to give his love to - because she couldn't make herself say the words?

"Cool. Mind if we head back to Steve's? There's some saves I wanna practice."

No, Sirianna didn't really want to go watch Billy swim, especially since it was getting dark and she just wanted to talk. She hummed a sound of agreement anyway though because Billy wasn't getting what he wanted either.

It would be so simple to just say the words, she could say them then and mean it later. But Billy didn't - he didn't —

There was no chance that Billy meant it when he said it. Billy thought he loved Sirianna because he didn't know her, he didn't know her like she knew herself. Sirianna wasn't always the person that Billy got to see, she wasn't… Sirianna was nobody's happy ending.

Billy drove through the town and the only sound between them was their own inhales as they smoked and the radio that Billy kept trying to make louder. Sirianna leaned her head out of her window, just to make the wind rush away her fear that it was the end of her personal pocket of happiness.

The wind helped, the rush of air that took away her hearing and sight and anything else that might have bothered her. It took Sirianna back to Hogwarts, back to being eleven and having a broomstick being the best feeling in the world. Sirianna used to love to fly, loved it more when she joined the Gryffindor quidditch team.

Sirianna loved quidditch, she loved her brother. Those were the only two things that she knew she loved without a doubt.

Sirianna was terribly fond of Billy, Chrissy, El. Sirianna liked Jason and Steve and Jonathan. Sirianna tolerated Chief Hopper and Eddie Munson.

What was love?

Sirianna's parents loved her, they were dead. Benny Hammond seemed like he might have loved her, he was dead. Harry loved her, he died over and over again.

Billy couldn't love her, he shouldn't, and Sirianna didn't know what love even meant to him.

When they pulled in Steve's driveway and Billy cut the music off with the car, Sirianna keenly felt the absence of it. It became too quiet, too much proof of the elephant sitting between her and Billy.

Sirianna wanted to scream, she wanted to scream that she had no idea what to say or how she felt because nobody outside of her brother had ever said they loved her. Maybe her parents, they probably said it, but she would never remember that.

What she would remember was Billy, so soft and vulnerable, saying he loved her. And Sirianna would remember the icy cold fear that spread through her at the words.

Sirianna would remember that it was her fault that Billy wasn't talking to her, it was her fault that the lightness in Billy's eyes and his laughter were disappearing. Billy thought he loved her? Sirianna was destroying everything that Billy worked so hard to have.

Still, even knowing she should walk away and let Billy find someone better to love, Sirianna was just desperate enough to keep Billy, to fix them, that she followed him to the swimming pool. Billy didn't look at her to wink or flex or any of his usual silly nonsense that made her stomach flutter before he shed his hooded jacket and dove in the water in the shirts he had on at the pool and his bare chest glistening with the reflections from the lights on the pool.

Billy was so beautiful that it ached. Inside and out, Sirianna thought he was beautiful. There were cracks inside of him, cracks that would turn to scars and leave him a little more damaged each time, but Billy was a good person, a beautiful person.

Sirianna watched him warm up with laps from the edge of the pool with her legs pulled up and her arms wrapped around them. Sirianna's chin was propped on her knees and everything felt heavy while Billy swam back and forth, back and forth.

Was her heart breaking? If it broke, then that was proof that she had loved him all along, right?

After a few minutes of warming up, a few minutes of Sirianna wishing that she could keep Billy in her life, he seemed to lose some of the shadows that had been clinging to him. Billy went underwater and it wasn't unusual, even if she hated it, but he didn't come up at first.

"Billy?" Sirianna started to stand up, her heart jumping to lodge itself in her throat, then he popped up right in front of her.

"Boo."

The dread inside Sirianna leaped when Billy popped out of the water just to splash her. Sirianna shrieked and started to yell - to tell Billy it wasn't funny to splash her, it wasn't funny to pretend to drown when he could truly go under and never resurface - but he had a sparkle in his eyes and his lips were curled up in a sorely missed grin.

Sirianna was breathless and tried to scowl, but the growing grin made her smile back in relief. "You're not funny," she said.

"I'm hilarious, baby," Billy said, unflappable in his confidence. Sirianna didn't call him on it, she knew how hard it was to feign and how easily it could crumble. "Get in for a minute, will you? I need a hot babe to drown for me so I can practice this shit."

Sirianna's stomach, just settled from Billy's ‘joke', flipped and she imagined herself in the dark water, the weight of it pulling her down. Billy was strong, but he wouldn't be able to save her - she was sure of it.

"I - no, I don't think so," she muttered, looking away from Billy so he couldn't see the cowardice in her eyes. She could still see his brow furrow with confusion.

"Why?"

Sirianna forced herself to laugh, tried to sound casual even when Billy swam closer, angled himself to try and catch her attention.

"I can't swim, Billy, I'll drown for real," she said. That was good, light, it didn't include the cold dread squeezing her insides in a mimicry of what drowning would probably be like.

"I won't let you drown," Billy said, folding his arms on the ledge. He started to reach toward her and Sirianna had a horrible thought - a thought that he was going to grab her arm and pull her in the water.

Sirianna scooted away as quickly as she could and that was all it took for the tension building between them to snap.

"You don't fucking trust me?" Billy demanded loudly. "Seriously? You think I'd let you get fucking hurt?"

"Not on purpose!" Sirianna said, getting as loud as he was. That was what happened - Sirianna saw his hurt and it hurt her and him being hurt made her much angrier than her own pain did.

"But you do think I'd let you get hurt," Billy repeated, clenching his jaw and adding a rough edge to his words. "You don't fucking trust me."

Sirianna stood up so she could wipe her sweating palms on her legs, put some space between them, breathe. Sirianna was not going to admit to Billy that the thought of being in the water made her absolutely sick, it made her desperate to get as far from the water as she could.

It reminded her of the cells that the White Coats kept her and Harry in - suffocating, still, dark, isolated.

"You don't get it," Sirianna said. How could he? Sirianna didn't want to explain, she didn't want Billy to see her as someone so weak that a pool made her feel ill. Billy swam beautifully, he talked about surfing with as much passion as Sirianna did quidditch.

Billy loved the water. Sirianna was terrified of it; horribly, insanely, terrified.

"Then explain it!" Billy splashed water at Sirianna and she skirted out of reach, felt anger mixing with the fear, twisting it into something hateful.

"I DON'T WANT TO SWIM," Sirianna yelled, clapping her hands for emphasis. "IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU?"

"NO!" Billy pushed himself up so that his upper half was out of the pool and Sirianna thought he looked like a mermaid - a very angry mermaid who couldn't hide the hurt in his eyes, who couldn't pull his masks back up in time.

"IT IS NOT CLEAR BECAUSE YOU WON'T SAY ANYTHING!" Billy screamed, emphasizing ‘say' like a slap to Sirianna's face. "I ASK YOU TO HELP ME SO I CAN GET THIS FUCKING JOB AND START SAVING CASH FOR OUR FUTURE AND YOU SAY NO. NO REASON WHY, NOTHING. I TELL YOU THAT I FUCKING LOVE YOU AND YOU SAY NOTHING."

There it was, the bandaid had been ripped off and the real injury between them was out in the open. There was salt added too, the salt of how Billy was planning their future and Sirianna had been too busy thinking only of the moment.

Sirianna's throat tightened and she crossed her arms, hugged herself tightly while she wore Billy's denim jacket and wished her arms were his.

"I didn't know what to say," Sirianna said, a whisper and the first explanation she could think of. "That's all. I was surprised."

"Bullshit," Billy scoffed. "You didn't say it because you don't fucking feel it."

"That's not true!" Sirianna argued without hesitation. Maybe she did love him, she might. Sirianna would do anything for him - anything except for getting in a pool.

Was that love? Was the clawing in her chest she felt when Billy was hurt in any way love? What did Sirianna know about it?

"Don't lie to me." Billy wasn't screaming anymore, there was a broken note in his voice that cut more than any shout could. Sirianna preferred the shouting, she preferred it tenfold over seeing Billy shattering in front of her.

"I put myself out there, Siri," Billy said. He dropped his head, hid his face behind his wet hair. "I don't fucking do that for people, alright? I did it for you and you fucking just…" Billy lifted his head enough that Sirianna could see his eyes were shining and that made her own tears drip down and land on her cheeks.

"Why won't you swim with me?" Billy asked, plaintive and devastated.

It wasn't the question he wanted to ask, Sirianna answered him anyway in her own trembling voice.

"I'm scared."

There it was - Sirianna the Gryffindor, Sirianna the daughter of brave and selfless heroes, was scared.

Scared to be loved by someone she couldn't lose, scared that she didn't understand love enough to know if that was what she felt, scared of water.

"Baby…" Billy's softness and the understanding in his eyes drove Sirianna further back, as far as she could get without leaving.

"I'm not going anywhere," Billy said. "I'm not going to hurt you or leave, alright? I'm here, Sirianna. I'm here for the fucking long-haul. I don't want you to be scared, I love you."

Sirianna, childishly, covered her ears with her hands so she could pretend that Billy didn't say that, that he didn't throw that word at her like the worst sort of weapon. Because - because maybe she did love him, maybe Sirianna loved him as much as she could love a person, but that didn't mean anything.

It didn't mean that they would last forever. Love couldn't protect either of them. It worked once for Sirianna's brother and he was, as always, the only exception.

Billy's face crumpled and Sirianna couldn't stand to see him cry, not when she had caused it. Since she was already behaving cowardly, Sirianna added one more offense to the list and turned around to begin running home.

Sirianna ran as quickly as she could, fled from Billy and his love and the water that wanted to drown her. Her feet slapped the pavement in a contrasting beat to the sobs that she couldn't quite stifle, no matter how hard she was trying.

It was better when Sirianna's side began stitching from her running, when she started wheezing and had to stop to spit mucus in the ditch. That pain made sense, her body wanted her to stop running and to breathe for a minute. That pain had an ending.

Sirianna didn't stop running, wouldn't stop the acceptable level of pain. She kept running until she heard a familiar car engine going too slowly, driving without the music on. Sirianna ducked behind a tree, waited until Billy drove past her too slowly.

That would be very like him, very like the boy that Sirianna truly knew, to be out looking for her even after she hurt him. It made her feel badly for running, for hiding, for hurting him.

Merlin, she never wanted to hurt him.

Sirianna could cry or run, but she couldn't do both anymore and the tears were still streaming so she began slowly walking home. It was dark out, not that it bothered her much.

Monsters didn't hide in the dark, they were scarier in the daylight, in the water, in the chests of girls who had been handed everything they ever dreamed of having and had no idea what to do with it.

Sirianna wasn't far from her house when she heard shouting, shouting she didn't expect. It was Billy she heard first, then Harry.

Harry didn't yell often, hardly ever really. Even when they were kids - even when the wizards in white coats would torture him - Harry didn't scream.

"IT WAS A FUCKING DISAGREEMENT! I DIDN'T PUT MY HANDS ON HER AND FUCK YOU FOR THINKING I DID!"

"SHE IS IN PAIN! IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHERE SHE IS RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL YOU!"

Sirianna winced at Billy's pain, Harry's fear. It was, as everything had been lately, her fault. Sirianna rubbed her chest, tried to send some calm to her twin who felt her pain like his own ever since the experiments.

‘I'm fine,' she tried to convey. ‘Billy didn't hurt me'.

She was close enough to hear the next voice clearly even though they weren't yelling -

"Yeah, you know what this is doing? Not shit. Harrington, you look downtown, I'll drive the route between your place and here. Harry, stay here, she might be on her way now. Hargrove, you go check the quarry. Hey!" There was a pause and Sirianna could picture Billy turning back to Hopper, terrified and more angry for it.

"If she's hurt, I'm going to let Harry kill you."

Sirianna should have walked up then, made everyone apologize for being so cruel to Billy. It wasn't fair, Billy had done nothing wrong. It was all her.

She didn't though, not until she heard the Camaro drive off, too slowly for Billy's taste. Sirianna waited until she couldn't hear it anymore and then she turned the corner on her block, jogged up to the house.

If she weren't so truly exhausted, if she weren't still stifling tiny cries she didn't deserve to have, Sirianna would have been embarrassed. She was ashamed, more ashamed than she ever had been before, but she was too tired to blush.

"Siri!" Harry was the first one to notice her and his cry made Steve slam his car back in park and for Hopper to stop in his tracks. Harry ran toward Sirianna and she barely had time to brace herself before Harry's body was slamming into hers.

It was half a hug, half of Harry checking Sirianna over for injuries she didn't have.

"Hurt?" Harry asked shortly.

Sirianna was in a miserable amount of pain.

"No, Bubby, nothing that can be fixed," Sirianna said. "Go tell Steve to tell Billy I'm home, please?"

Harry's eyes darkened and Sirianna hated that he thought Billy had done something wrong.

"I am fine," Sirianna said. "Billy didn't do anything, I swear."

On Harry's life, Billy wasn't the one who hurt her.

Harry took her at her word, they never lied to each other. There were times when they weren't entirely forthcoming, but they never lied. Sirianna was grateful when Harry took her hand and finished the walk together. Steve had his window rolled down and Sirianna bypassed him with her head down, Harry could explain, only to be stopped by Hopper.

"That boy hurt you?" he asked. Sirianna saw his fingers twitch toward his gun and felt a rush of anger.

How dare he? How fucking dare he?

"Billy did nothing wrong," Sirianna spat at him. "And if you ever even think about hurting him, I will kill you and Harry will help me."

Harry wasn't a weapon, but if he was - twin took priority over guardian. And Harry proved that ten seconds later, while Sirianna was still glowering at Hopper, when he rejoined her and took her hand back in his.

"Come on, you're cold," he said, tugging her to the house. "Take a shower and I'll get food."

Sirianna was older, by an immeasurable seven minutes, but she still let Harry treat her like a child by guiding her to the house, pushing her gently in the bathroom. Even El got into the act when she popped her head in the bathroom a few minutes later with a stack of Sirianna's most fuzzy pajamas.

"Shower. Food," El said firmly. "Sleep."

"Shower, food, sleep," Sirianna agreed, smiling tiredly because El was so sweet in her own quiet way. "Thanks, El."

El nodded, swept her eyes around the bathroom with the same vigilance that Harry used to check every room he entered, then left with a quiet click of the door.

Sirianna released a heavy breath and clutched the sink tightly, giving herself a chance to calm down the ragged breathing and the painful vice around her lungs.

Sirianna ruined a good thing and someone got hurt. That… that wasn't the first time her decisions hurt someone.

Harry being hurt was an impossible weight on Sirianna's shoulders… Billy being hurt wasn't much lighter.

It was much later, after being fussed over by Harry and El both, that Sirianna laid in bed and recounted the whole sorry story to her brother. Harry wouldn't judge her, he never saw Sirianna in the right light, and he didn't then.

"Siri?" Harry was present, he was trying, and Sirianna was so grateful. "I don't - I don't know if Billy loves you, but I know that when you were hurting? It felt like - it felt like my own heart was breaking in half."

"Love," El said, terribly wisely for a twelve year old.

It didn't matter if it was love or it wasn't - Sirianna had ruined it. Sirianna had taken something, someone, beautiful and shattered it.

All she could desperately hope for while she slept in a smushed cuddle with her siblings was that Steve was taking care of Billy.

*****

Billy laid on the hood of his car, stared up at the sky.

How did everything get so fucked so quickly? It was Billy's own personal speciality, ruining shit by always saying the wrong thing.

Neil should have kicked his ass harder, beaten home the lesson on keeping his fucking mouth shut.

"Thanks for nothing," Billy murmured, blowing the words out with his cigarette smoke. It faded in the night, left Billy just as alone as Sirianna had.

It shouldn't have mattered that she didn't love him, Billy had loved plenty of people who didn't feel the same way about him. What was some bitch when compared to his own mom? His dad? They didn't love him and Billy didn't go bawling about that.

Whatever.

It was done.

Billy could have his fucking tantrum over it that night and dust himself off in the morning. That was how the world worked, it didn't stop spinning just because one guy got kicked down.

Billy would go to the gym in the morning, hit the weights for a while, then go to his class at the pool. Maybe he'd chat up Heather, she was hot enough - all curly black hair, big eyes…

Nah. Even the thought of it made Billy's stomach turn with something real close to guilt. Heather was hot, but there wasn't a substitute for Sirianna.

God.

There'd never be a substitute for his girl.

Billy had been relieved that Steve booked it inside after he told him that Sirianna made it home. Billy kept everything pushed down, only grunted when Steve said Sirianna was home, waited until he was alone.

When it was only the stars to see him, Billy let the crushing disappointment break his chest in half. It was a pathetic hour of Billy curled on his side with his legs drawn up to his chest, punching his thigh between the painful kind of sobs that Billy didn't think anyone could pull from him anymore.

Why should it hurt? Why should it hurt so fucking much? Sirianna didn't say she hated him, didn't say he was a disappointment or a faggot or any of the shit that Neil had said to him. Sirianna said she was scared, Billy scared her, and she left. That shouldn't have the power to fucking make his chest rip down the middle.

And it shouldn't have made Steve come outside when Billy needed to be alone.

"Man, hey. Stop." Steve was fucking ballsy, Billy would give him that, because when Billy went to drive his fist home in his leg again, keep from denting his car or someone's head, Steve grabbed his fist to stop him. "What happened?"

What happened? Billy clamped his mouth shut, he'd rather suffocate himself than let Steve see him fucking cry, so he couldn't really tell him that Billy happened. Because Billy always happened.

Billy and his fucking mouth happened and Sirianna walked away, she didn't care to stay and fight about it with him.

"Maybe - maybe you both need to cool down, Billy. Whatever you were fighting about can't be something so huge that it can't be fixed. But it's late and that class is brutal, so you're tired and she's been in the sun all day… I'm sure it's not that bad."

"I told her I loved her," Billy said. It was a croak and it was embarrassing but Billy had a sudden rush that he needed someone to see what happened. Harry wasn't going to be fucking unbiased, Chief Hopper pretty much said he would stand by and watch Billy get killed.

Billy didn't hurt her on purpose and he needed one person to fucking see that.

Billy flipped on his back, ignored the searing pain in his chest when he breathed to try and even out the crying, and looked up again so that he could explain.

"I told her I loved her, she didn't say it back. Which, whatever, right? Fuck it, maybe she's not there yet. Except it was just fucking sitting between us because why not just say that? I'm not - it's different, when I'm with her. You all think I'm a dick and a bastard and a piece of shit and that's - whatever. But it's different with her, okay? I wanted to talk about it, clear the air or whatever, and she said she was scared and then left. That's it."

Sirianna was scared - of Billy, of swimming, of - of either loving him or being loved by him.

Which, yeah, she could do better. Sirianna could be loved by anyone she wanted. Billy thought it meant something that she kept choosing him even when he fucked up, even when his temper got away from him or she saw him all weak and pathetic.

Steve didn't say anything, he just sat with his legs crossed beneath him on the ground by the Camaro while Billy twisted again, tried to free a cigarette and lighter from his pocket. Steve wasn't jumping Billy's ass, so he scooted over to the edge and offered him a smoke.

"Nah, I quit," Steve said quietly.

Weird thing to do, but whatever. Billy didn't mind smoking alone, taking the time to scrub his face, sit up like a fucking man. Steve didn't say anything about the swollen eyes or the fit he watched and Billy hoped that he'd just - keep it to himself.

"Why do you think she's scared?" Steve asked when Billy's cigarette was gone and there wasn't as much weighing him down.

Billy almost shot some shit off, but he stopped himself, tried to think about it.

It wasn't like Billy wasn't sort of fucking terrified when he thought he was in love with her. It was… it was a lot. It was a fucking lot to think ‘I love her' when ‘her' could walk away and leave him alone at any point. Sirianna had a hell of a lot less obligation to Billy than his mom had and his mom walked away no problem.

But Billy told her he was in it, Billy told her he had plans and shit. Billy didn't walk away from her, not once. So it didn't make a lot of sense for her to be scared of loving him, which meant she was scared of being loved by him.

Because Billy wouldn't do it right? Because Billy was a dick?

"I dunno." Billy was too tired to put any energy in his reply, it came out with a sigh. "Maybe she's afraid that - you know, she'll waste her time with me and miss out on something better."

Steve snorted and Billy was too tired to even take a swing at him. The most he had the energy for was dropping his head on the windshield hard enough to zap down his back and leave him feeling somehow worse.

"You're not a dick, man," Steve said. "I don't think you're a piece of shit and I wasn't really thrilled with them screaming at you like you fucked up here. She's the one that ran off, alright? But she's going to come back, Billy. If she doesn't, she's an idiot because she's not going to find someone better."

Billy's eyebrows shot up on his forehead and he wondered where the fuck that came from. It… well, after getting walked out on by his girl, accused of fucking abusing her or something by someone he thought might have been his friend, and hearing that a cop would let him get murdered without blinking… it didn't suck to hear.

"Thanks, Harrington," Billy drawled, hiding his genuine surprise behind some friendly sarcasm. "You know I'm still not gay, right?"

"Jesus. Fuck you, man."

"Only in your dreams, pretty boy."

Billy let Steve twist his arm into staying inside the mansion that night. They crashed in the living room when the sun was peeking up.

Billy slept like shit, he wound up getting restless while Steve was still snoring and decided to go work it off at the gym. The high school kept the gym unlocked during the summer, so the athletes had a place to stay in shape.

It was convenient, usually dead in the mornings. The only other one that Billy knew who showed up when he did was Jason Carver on occasion. Carver was alright, for a kid, but Billy wasn't thrilled with seeing his car in the parking lot either.

Carver was running the treadmill when Billy walked in and they nodded at each other, didn't need to talk with Mötley Crüe pounding over the radio. Billy smirked some, Carver used to call it ‘Satan music' and there he was, running his ass off to Shout at the Devil.

Billy tossed his bag in a corner, did some warm ups, decided to hit the weight bench. There was a sign saying nobody could use it without a spotter and Billy ignored it. Billy didn't need a spotter, he might not have minded dropping the weight on his chest and figuring out if that hurt less than the constant dull pain sitting there anyway.

"Hey, man." Carver slowed on his machine, wiped his face off when he saw Billy laying down. "I'll spot you, you spot me?"

"Yeah, fine," Billy said shortly. He started before Carver made it to him, starting hard to make the pain make sense. It was an easy trick, an old one, and Billy fell in the familiar rhythm while Carver chatted to him.

"I'll be glad when we take that test tomorrow, that class is brutal. What are the odds that someone's going to actually sink to the bottom of the pool? It's always just a bunch of moms and their little kids there."

Billy grunted - not in agreement, Carver was a dumbass. Little kids drowned all the time, it only took a second. Hell, Billy could vaguely remember being knocked under the water by a wave, dragged out by a lifeguard while he choked up salt water and thought the ocean was trying to kill him.

Or maybe Billy was remembering Neil tell the story… not that it mattered, Neil didn't know the story anymore anyway.

"Is Sirianna coming with you to the test? Chrissy said if I let her drown that she isn't coming to the pool all summer."

Fuck. Billy forgot about that. Each guard was meant to bring an assistant to their test the next day, it was meant to make it go faster if they could test at the same time. Billy had assumed at the time that Sirianna would help him out - she was light, she'd be real easy to save, but it seemed like that wasn't an option.

"Nah." Billy pushed harder, slower, made his arms burn with every lift. "She's scared of the water."

That was easier to explain than the end of the one good relationship that Billy had. It could buy him a day or two, until Sirianna told Chrissy and Chrissy told Carver. And if Carver laughed at Sirianna's fear, Billy would knock a tooth out.

"Ah, damn." Carver didn't laugh, just twisted his face and nodded shortly. "She got some sort of drowning incident or something?"

Did she? Billy… couldn't be sure. It wasn't like Sirianna got pool and rec time when she'd been kidnapped and tortured, but water-boarding was a thing.

"Don't know," Billy said, trying to cut that conversation off. It didn't work, Carver could chat as much as his fucking girl could.

"I guess fears aren't really rational, right? Everyone's scared of something. Chrissy's terrified of heights, hates ‘em. No reason why, just freaks her out to be more than a few feet off the ground."

Not Sirianna, Sirianna loved heights. The way she talked about flying through the air, playing quidditch… she wasn't scared of that at all. In fact, Billy was pretty sure she only had two fears total.

"What did you mean?" Billy asked, keeping track of reps in his head while he sought out Carver's eyes. "About fears not being rational?"

"I mean… like Chrissy's never fallen from a tree or been pushed off a roof?" Carver said, shrugging. "I think it's like a thing in the brain? Fears just root in there and even if they don't make sense, they make people act like freaking insane over it."

No reason, just some glitch in a brain… just some glitch that buried a fear inside of it and made someone go crazy if it was hit.

Huh.

Billy, unwillingly, thought about what Carver said the rest of the day. Through his hours at the gym, while he washed his car, even when he met up with Max to see if she wanted to hang out at the pool during his lesson. Billy had been so fucking stuck on why Sirianna would have been scared, he didn't think about if it even made fucking sense.

It didn't, not really.

Billy had been good to her, he tried. Billy got her flowers, didn't act like a dick to her friends, went on double dates with Carver and Chrissy even when he'd rather be alone with Sirianna. Billy didn't fuck around when he was driving and Harry or El were in the car, he was fucking respectful to Chief Hopper.

Yeah, Billy wasn't perfect, but she wasn't either and it wasn't like she had any problem speaking up when he was doing something she didn't like. So, no, it didn't actually make sense that Sirianna wouldn't want Billy to be in love with her.

"Hey, Max." Billy shoved Max's arm, appreciating that she didn't say anything when they drove past Sirianna's place without stopping. "You're a girl."

"Stellar observation," Max said dryly.

Billy quirked half a grin, not minding Max's smart mouth so much when it didn't carry the potential to get him knocked around.

"So say a chick—"

"Sirianna."

"SO SAY A CHICK," Billy shot her a half-hearted glare, "seems happy enough in a relationship, right? Things are going great, whatever. Then the dude does some dumbass shit like talks about his feelings and she says it scares her. Does that sound rational?"

Cause Billy could work with irrational fears, but if Sirianna had a reason to be scared of Billy then he'd have to be done. Billy wasn't going to have anyone walk around him in terror - he wasn't his fucking dad.

"So, this completely hypothetical guy talked about his feelings and the girl, we'll call her ‘S' for simplicity's sake, said it scared her? I mean, like did he say he felt like murdering her?"

Billy didn't react, didn't let Max see that he was sick of hearing shit like that. If anyone was allowed a jab though, it was Max.

"He told her he loves her," Billy said, calm and level, his eyes forward and hidden behind his sunglasses. "She didn't say it back, she said that it scared her."

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THAT STUPID BITCH!"

Billy's hands slipped and he jerked the wheel, accidentally slamming Max in the door as he whipped his head over to see that she was fucking red in the face - pissed.

"YOU DO EVERYTHING FOR HER!" Max yelled, somehow getting even fucking louder. "YOU GOT HER FLOWERS, YOU QUIT FIGHTING, YOU STOPPED SAYING STUPID SHIT! YOU WERE - YOU WERE LIKE A PERFECT BOYFRIEND! WHY WOULDN'T SHE SAY IT BACK?"

"First off, quiet the fuck down," Billy said. Jesus, Max was fucking loud. "And don't call her a bitch either, Maxine. She's - I mean she's kind of messed up in the head, right? Not like fucked up, but - Jesus. She had a shitty life."

For years, she had a shitty life. And even before the whole kidnapped by wizards thing, she had shitty relatives and dead parents and… and nobody to love her.

Billy had seven years with his mom, Sirianna had one year that she probably didn't even remember.

"You had a shitty life and you still treated her amazing," Max snarled. She actually snarled. It kind of made Billy grin. "Why the fuck would she say that to you? It's bullshit, Billy. And when I see her, I'm going to tell her that if she thinks she's going to find someone better to deal with her crap than my brother then she's wrong."

Billy was definitely grinning then and he had to light a cigarette to hide it, didn't want Max thinking he was getting soft or some shit.

"Alright, Max, you do that," he said.

Hey, if Sirianna's brother could scream in Billy's face, fair seemed fair.

*****

Sirianna rocked on her feet, wrapped her arms around her stomach, and swallowed loudly.

"I can't," she said, hating that she was going to let fear stop her. She looked for Harry and shook her head wildly, "I'm sorry."

"One step," Harry said again, calm and unflappable. "Just one."

One step would have Sirianna waist deep in the water, the peaceful pool water that could turn on her at any point. It could push her down, hold her there, take all the air in her body and replace it with water.

It was Harry's idea, for them to try and see if his presence would help Sirianna get over a stupid fear. Harry was a magical genius, logically Sirianna knew that he would summon her from the water if it so much as splashed in her mouth.

Unless he was drowning too. Then they would die together and it would be horrible and painful and Sirianna could not fight water.

"I'll hold your hand?" Harry held his hand out and Sirianna clutched it while the panic clawed inside her chest. "We scoot off the ledge, stand in the pool. That's it. Just stand."

Sirianna felt like she was going to cry, she was so scared. It sounded simple and silly when Harry said it, just stand in the water - she could take showers, Steve's pool should be nothing. But there was a drain in the shower and water didn't push on her body in a malicious effort to knock her down.

"Want me to pull or do we go home?" Harry looked at her with clear eyes, no judgment. If Sirianna said it was too much, that his plan was thoughtful and sweet and he timed it just right so Sirianna wouldn't be embarrassed in front of anyone - Harry would go home with her and they'd never talk about it again.

Sirianna didn't want to be scared, she wanted to be brave. Sirianna wanted to be like her parents, like Harry - who was scared of so many things and did them all anyway.

"You have to pull," Sirianna said, a harsh whisper when her voice tried to run away from her decision. "I can't do it."

"On three," Harry said, shuffling closer to the water and physically dragging her with him. "One…"

Sirianna closed her eyes, shut her mouth too so that she didn't cry or let water inside of it.

"Two…"

Sirianna didn't have a chance to scream before Harry jumped in the pool and yanked her with him. At first, Sirianna was shocked that Harry tricked her.

Somehow, Sirianna always seemed to forget that Harry had been chosen for Slytherin when they were eleven. Harry was chosen for Slytherin and unable to even talk his way out of it.

Then they hit the water and Sirianna's feet were slipping, her grip on Harry was sliding, the water was going to buckle her legs, pull her under, weigh her down and leave her for dead.

"Siri… you're doing it."

Sirianna wouldn't have been able to open her eyes, she couldn't have even moved if it weren't for Harry's hand squeezing hers - or was she squeezing him? - and his calm voice, calm enough that she moved her feet, made sure they were still firmly on a ground.

"Am I?" Sirianna asked, whimpering it.

"Yes. It's okay, don't open your eyes until you're ready."

What if - what if she was never ready? What if Sirianna was in the middle of a fear so strong that she would never be ready to open her eyes to accept it?

"You're Sirianna Potter. You can do anything," Harry said beside her, sounding like he truly believed it. Sirianna didn't question how he knew what she was thinking, it worked like that sometimes.

"I'm not - I'm not as strong as you," Sirianna admitted.

"Strong? Siri, you're brave. That doesn't mean you're not scared of things, right? Remember when Dumbledore said that? He said that even facing a fear was the bravest thing a person could do. Or something like that."

That comment, Harry's glib reference to a speech Dumbledore made when Sirianna and Harry had been eye-locked across the Great Hall, grinning sharply at each other while Gryffindor and Slytherin were tied in points, managed to crack through some of Sirianna's fear in amusement.

Harry had ranted about Dumbledore the entire train ride home after Neville won five points, tipping the scales to Gryffindor, and said that he was a turd and Harry hated him.

"You're quoting Dumbledore?" Sirianna teased him, focusing on that so she could push down the desperate fear, thinking only of her brother quoting a wizard that he swore had ‘bats for braincells'. Sirianna peeked an eye open, just to check that it really was her brother beside her, and saw that he was flustered and pink-cheeked.

"Never again," he swore. Harry started to smile slowly, just as slowly as Sirianna opened her eyes. It was… it wasn't horrible. When she wasn't moving, the water was calm and not actively trying to kill her. It was cool, it barely reached her belly button, and it was almost pretty in a sinister way - sparkling like a very sharp knife.

"Siri…" Harry didn't move more than his fingers, maybe knowing that Sirianna would flee if so much as a ripple upset the water, but he squeezed her hand again and Sirianna could feel his pride. "You did it!"

Sirianna did do it, kind of. Harry had to trick her, pull her, and distract her… but she was in the water. Sirianna was in the middle - quite close to the ledge - of something that terrified her and she was still breathing, still alive, still standing.

Sirianna was facing a fear, standing straight like her mum must have when she faced down Voldemort, like she had when she had been eleven and saw Voldemort in the back of Quirrel's head. Sirianna didn't stop being a Gryffindor when she never returned to Hogwarts, that bravery couldn't be taken from her.

Not with Harry beside her, holding her hand and believing in her.

"Only because you were there," Sirianna said, beaming at her twin and loving him twice as hard as usual. Sirianna loved Harry, she loved her brother for his strengths and his weaknesses and the way that he never let either of them get in his way.

Harry was so strong and thoughtful… and - and Billy was too.

"Harry." Sirianna bit her lower lip, wondered if - if Harry could just help her again. If Sirianna could stand in a pool, if she could stand there and not fall, not drown… it wasn't - it wasn't so bad.

It was hard, but Sirianna did it.

"What if I do love Billy and it's too late now?" Sirianna asked. "What if I ruined everything and - and that I wasn't brave when it mattered?"

"Siri, if Billy is going to stop loving you because you were scared, then I don't think he ever loved you to start with," Harry said calmly. "Which I think would prove that he also has bats for braincells."

Of all the horribly unfair things to ever happen to Harry, of all the injuries that left scars that couldn't even be seen… that would be the ‘injustice' that he would complain about.

It didn't mean Harry was wrong, just that Sirianna frequently forgot that Harry was both a Slytherin and rather petty.