Hundred (Theo)
"Nott, Theodore!"
Theo twisted his hands together behind his back, kept his head ducked, and shuffled through the crowd of students to reach the Sorting Hat. Theo knew where he was going, even if it wasn't going to be where he wanted.
If Theo could pick a house, any house he wanted, Theo would go to Ravenclaw. Ravenclaw would be a nice place to keep his head down, study magic, not be bothered when the other students started to act like their parents.
Ravenclaw sounded like a dream - amazing and impossible to get. Slytherin was where he had to go, if he wanted to try and make his father happy.
Theo sat on the stool and let Professor McGonagall place the hat on his head. Theo didn't know what to expect, but being legilimized by a hat wasn't really it.
"Aah, a scholar!" The voice in Theo's head that wasn't his was wispy, hard to find to block out. Theo wasn't very good at occlumency anyway, Father always read him too easily.
"Say Slytherin and get out of my head," Theo whispered, squishing his eyes shut to try and clear his mind, keep all his memories locked away in a little black box with gold clasps.
"Slytherin? When Ravenclaw would suit you like a glove?" the hat snickered and Theo didn't like it. "Sure, you could fit in with Slytherin, but you would excel in Ravenclaw, Theo."
Theo didn't want to hear that, he didn't want to hear that Ravenclaw would be perfect for him. Theo didn't whisper the words, he thought them, and when he did - memories flooded in.
‘My father' brought in a flood of images, of memories, of nightmares Theo had. His father red in the face, screaming at him for being an embarrassment. His father with his hand on Theo's shoulder like a vice, saying that he would make an heir of him yet. His father with his wand in hand, glaring down at Theo with eyes that were as cold as they were lifeless.
"Ah." The hat sounded too knowing and Theo wished the floor would swallow him up. "I see. In that case, young Theo, I truly wish you the best of luck in… SLYTHERIN!"
Theo rose when the hat was taken off his head and he mouthed a silent thank-you to it before he walked briskly across the hall to polite applause. His new table, the place he would have to sit at for the next seven years, greeted him and Theo was ushered down to sit with the other first years.
Draco Malfoy was there, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, Millicent Bulstrode. There was a girl Theo didn't know, a girl with dark skin and a sparkly bracelet on her wrist. Theo nodded at them for clapping and then sank down in the very farthest seat from them.
Theo didn't want to be there and he sent a long look at the Ravenclaw table, all decorated in blue and bronze… that was where Theo should have gone.
He could have had friends there, real friends. He could have had friends where he didn't have to pretend, maybe friends who would get as excited about learning about things as he was. There would at least be some muggleborn students who could answer allll of Theo's questions.
It would have been a really good time. It might have made Hogwarts a happy place, a place where Theo could hide for most of the year and be himself.
Instead… Theo was literally all alone in the snake pit.
Theo quietly pulled his book from his satchel and looked around to make sure nobody was paying too much attention. Theo took the cover off, but if anyone saw him reading a muggle book then - then they'd probably tell on him.
That wouldn't happen in Ravenclaw, probably.
Theo curled his shoulders in and picked up the story where he left off after the train ride. Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy were on an adventure and Theo wished he could be with them. It sounded like they accidentally touched a portkey instead of walked through a wardrobe, but maybe that was a way of magical travel in other countries? Some countries still used magic carpets.
Even with his nose hidden in his novel, Theo didn't miss the hush that fell over the Great Hall when another student was called to sort a few minutes later —
"Potter, Harry!"
Theo looked up, only a little curious what the Boy-Who-Lived would look like. They talked about him, on the train. Theo had expected someone sort of like a hero - maybe tall and cheerful and waving to everyone.
Harry Potter was short, skinny, he had his head ducked down and Theo had to stretch his neck, but he saw that Harry Potter was twisting his fingers behind his back, just like Theo had.
Maybe he was scared? Theo didn't know what he'd be scared of, it wasn't like he had any parents to discipline him if he went to the wrong house.
Theo still watched with everyone else when Professor McGonagall dropped the hat on Harry Potter's head and he disappeared from view. It didn't take very long, Theo timed it and it took only two minutes and seventeen seconds, until the brim of the hat was opening and —
"SLYTHERIN!"
Oh, ugh.
Not a lot of people at Slytherin seemed very happy about the Boy-Who-Lived joining them. Theo only clapped to be polite. Even if the other Slytherins didn't like him yet, they would. Draco was already poking Vince in the arm to make room for Harry Potter.
Theo didn't really want to share a dorm with a celebrity for seven years, it would probably get really annoying. Draco was already pretty annoying on his own and he looked all excited for Harry Potter to probably be his new best friend.
Harry Potter stopped when he reached the Slytherin table and Theo could feel his eyes roaming before they settled on Theo of all people and Potter moved to take the very end seat across from Theo.
Theo could feel everyone's eyes on him and he didn't need anyone saying he wasn't perfectly polite and respectful.
"Hello," Theo said, carefully offering Potter his hand like his etiquette tutor taught him. "Heir Nott."
"Uh… Harry." Potter - Harry - grinned quickly as he shook Theo's hand rather sloppily and let go of it just when his twin sister was being called on.
"Potter, Sirianna!"
"Do you think she'll come here?" Theo asked Potter, curious about the sister of the Boy-Who-Lived.
"No." Potter stood up to watch his twin and half the hall watched him, the other half watched her. "I think she's going to —"
"GRYFFINDOR!"
It was the second fastest sorting yet, by Theo's time. Sirianna Potter took sixteen seconds, Draco Malfoy took four. Theo was surprised to see that Potter was clapping harder than almost anyone, even though lots more people cheered for his sister than him.
Theo saw a little flash on his face though, maybe a little bit of sadness? That would make sense, they wouldn't really be living together anymore. If Theo had a twin, he'd want to be in the same house.
"I knew she would go there." Potter sat back down after waving widely across the Hall and he settled in his seat when the next student was called.
"Are you sad?" Theo asked.
"No, it's okay." Potter grinned and Theo knew that his jaw fell in a way that was not very polite of him when Potter pulled out the exact same book that Theo was reading. "Siri's kind of loud and I really want to finish my book."
Theo was reading the same exact book as Harry Potter!! A muggle book!!
"Harry, I'm reading that book!" Theo said in an excited whisper, trying to make sure nobody else heard him at their table. Draco was giving him a dirty look, like Theo stole his new friend away. Harry looked thrilled though when Theo turned his book to show him that it really was the same one!
"Wicked!" Harry cried happily. "I have so many questions! Okay, is Narnia a magic place? Or is the wardrobe magic? I think they're probably all witches and wizards, right? Like the White Queen? Are there really talking lions?"
Theo didn't mind answering Harry's questions, they wound up talking about Narnia all through dinner together. Theo tried to answer everything and they decided to make a list of everything he didn't know so they could ask their teachers or look it up as soon as they could.
Even when dinner ended, Theo and Harry walked together in the back of the line down to their new dorm, both of them talking too fast and too excitedly. Harry said that he was raised by muggles - and Theo saw a little twitch of his lips, something unhappy there - so Theo started asking about electricity and war machines and all the things he never dared ask anyone before.
They ended up moving their beds together that very night. There was too much space between them and they would bother the other boys if they tried to talk that far apart. Theo and Harry both huffed and puffed while they pushed Theo's bed by Harry's and then they collapsed on the ‘mega-bed' in a heap of unruly giggles when they were done.
"I didn't know if I'd like Slytherin, but this is perfect," Harry whispered that night when they were nearly all talked out and were just laying in their bed. "Thanks, Theo."
Theo flipped on his side and grinned at Harry, "I didn't know if I would either," he admitted very quietly. "I - um… I'm glad you're in Slytherin."
"I'm glad we're friends!" Harry said, his whisper getting loud and making Theo smile a bright and happy smile, maybe his brightest and happiest ever.
Theo never really had friends before, not real ones. There were kids he had to be around, other pureblooded Heirs who never wanted to talk about the things Theo wanted to talk about. Theo never had a friend-friend though.
"We're best friends," Theo decided, speaking solemnly like the adults did when they made big decisions. "For the next seven years, I dub you, Harry Potter, to be best friends with me, Theo Nott."
"Accepted!" Harry said, looking just as happy as Theo felt. "We could be best friends forever, Theo! Why stop when we're done with school?"
Theo really thought that maybe he had been all wrong, maybe Slytherin wouldn't be so bad. Maybe Theo and Harry would be best friends for the rest of their lives and forever had just started.
‘Forever', as it turned out, had lasted precisely nine months, two weeks, and five days.
Theo swayed along to music pulsing through his body, through the body of every person in the club. They were all together, all one, through the music and the sweet smoke filling the air and the liquor that made Theo bold and careless.
It was perfect, he could close his eyes and sway along, feel his consciousness slip further and further away… gone, gone like the wind… gone, gone to a place where it couldn't bother him.
Theo danced until he was drenched in sweat, sticking to his entire body beneath the tight jeans and open shirt he wore. His dark hair was plastered down on his forehead, making his eyes that much brighter in contrast.
Nobody moved for Theo when he decided to take a break for a drink and a smoke, Theo had to shove his way through bodies, pushing and squeezing around until he could reach the bar. The muggle woman, the one with the big hooped earrings and blue eyes that glazed over when she turned to him, offered a smile and a pretty French accent.
"More drink?" she asked slowly and loudly, her sequined top sending little lights to reflect and bounce in Theo's eyes.
"Rum and coke," Theo told her. "Thanks."
The woman moved down to take more orders, make the drinks. Theo didn't have an ID, she had never been able to ask. He would need to choose a new place the next night, most bartenders worked Friday and Saturday nights together and Theo didn't want to ruin a young woman's university career with too many confunding charms in a row.
It was enough that he was there, a part of the crowd and entirely separated. They were all single cells, conjoining and separating with every inhale of the club walls. They were alone in anonymity, they each embraced it well.
Theo loved it. Theo wasn't 'Lord Nott' to the room of writhing and pulsating bodies, he was no one. Everyone should experience the intense rush of pleasure that came with being no one.
"Here you go, love." The French woman was back with Theo's drink and a bland smile. "Your tab?" she asked.
"Yeah, sure," Theo said, his eyes moving around the crowd while he searched for anyone not quite fitting in. He raised his chin when he saw someone, watched them walk out the back door to the alley for a smoke.
Theo followed right after them, taking his drink with him. Theo didn't have a tab, the bartender didn't know that. Stealing a drink was hardly going to be the worst thing Theo did that night though.
It was warm outside, considering the time. Theo walked out of the club directly into a cloud of sweet smelling smoke, grass being enjoyed by a small cluster of women to the left of Theo. They looked at him and giggled, stoned out of their minds. It wouldn't be difficult for Theo to sweet talk his way into their circle, share their weed with a smirk here and a pout there.
Despite Theo not believing that he looked much older than his sixteen years, context tended to influence an individual's perception of others. If they met them at a club, their mind would assume they were of age until too much evidence pointed to the contrary. If they met them at a café, they would believe they enjoyed coffee or tea, until they said they only stopped to use a loo.
If they met them at Hogwarts and spent a year together, side-by-side, enjoying all the same things and never tiring of each others company, they might believe that they were soulmates who were destined to meet by a higher power that would not answer to interrogations.
Until they disappeared in the summer and never returned to reunite as all lost soulmates in history had done.
It had been four years that summer, four years of dead ends and zero evidence to support any single leading theory. It had been four years of questions battering Theo's mind at all times, questions that were impossible to answer and merely difficult to silence for brief periods of time.
Theo had tried a variety of methods to make the questions go quiet, none were as effective as methylenedioxyamphetamine. It was quite a word for MDA, the muggle party drug that Theo had discovered when summer began.
Theo had been lost, mentally, as he wandered London aimlessly. With his father gone, there was no one for Theo to account to, no master to bend on knee for. Theo was free and the freedom daunted him. That was the first night he had tried his hand at wandless, and conveniently untraceable, magic to stop in a pub for a drink. Theo had been looking around at the others in the pub, a habit as he searched for black hair and bright green eyes, instead he found a sleazy man offering ‘longer lasting ecstasy'.
It truly had been.
Theo had taken too much that night, ignorance and inexperience marring his perception of the dosage, but he researched it when he woke up and found his way home the next day. It was a science, like any other, and Theo spent a mere two hours learning all he could before he went out in search of it again.
MDA was easy to find, less simple to alter the dosage on. The powder was simplest to alter, the tablets less so. Theo wouldn't have minded an extra boost that night, though he knew that an increased dosage was no guarantee of longer effects.
The muggle man from inside the club was lingering further in the alley, his eyes tracking Theo while Theo walked boldly up to him. The liquor helped, the returning pain in his head helped more. Theo had tried to create his own MDA, remove the need for him to purchase it from less reliable sources, but it was hardly as simple as a potion.
It also, Theo found through failed trials, reacted badly to any interaction with magic. Theo was not yet desperate enough to lease a muggle home solely to create illegal substances within.
"Hello." Theo tried to make his voice rougher, less polished, to fit in with the commoners of London, it never seemed to work. Theo could dress down in muggle clothes, let his hair fall limply across his face, and he suspected there was still an affect about him that said different.
The man he pursued hardly seemed to mind. He leaned against the alley wall with too much confidence for a man of such poor charms and smiled at Theo mockingly.
"Hello," he said, trying and failing to mimic Theo's accent. "What can I do for you, pretty?"
"MDA," Theo said, no hesitation, no signs of inexperience to be seen. Either the man had it or he didn't, Theo wasn't one to waste his time.
The man shifted, opened his heavy leather jacket that it was much too warm for that night. Theo saw lined pockets, terribly clichéd, then the clink of small glass vials within one. The man pulled it out slowly, Theo's eyes trailing it while his mouth went dry in desire.
"Eighty pounds, pretty," he said.
Theo scoffed, "You could have had Asclepius himself bless you with it and I still wouldn't pay over fifty."
"Sixty," the man said, his voice hardening in what Theo was certain was irritation. Theo was an exceptionally irritating person, he had heard it often enough.
"Are you deaf?" Theo ripped his eyes from the bliss he sought so he could laugh directly in the man's eyes in a rush of reckless carelessness. "I said fifty. It's the number between forty-nine and fifty-one, you see. Perhaps you missed that lesson in primary?"
The man sneered and Theo never considered that he would refuse to sell to him. Theo could hide his desperate desire behind a cool mask of indifference. The man could hardly hide his desolate state, he needed the money much more than Theo needed to purchase from him.
Statistically speaking, there were a dozen suppliers within a ten block radius of where Theo stood. Within fifteen minutes, Theo could find someone to accept his offer. That man only had one consumer in front of him with cash in hand, ready to close the sale.
"Fine." The man snarled at him with much less heat than Theo could withstand and pulled the bottle away when Theo reached for it. "Money first, pretty," he sneered.
Fair enough. Theo had the advantage as he would simply summon his money back if the MDA was subpar.
As soon as the transaction ended, Theo took the man's abandoned place against the wall and popped the cork from the glass vial and visually inspected it. It was a nice off-white color, evidence toward it being pure. The rocks were crumbled into powder, the right consistency for it as well.
Theo looked around to ensure he had privacy and noticed that the giggling group of women had disappeared, leaving him quite alone. He raised the glass bottle to the air, smirked at himself when he was torn on who to toast it to, then pinched one nostril closed while he inhaled through the other.
It only took twenty-six seconds for the rush to begin, twenty-six seconds for the serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine within his body to rise exponentially.
Theo went limp against the wall, his mind finally, blissfully, quiet. It wasn't even quiet, it was dimmed, sparking in only color and sensation.
It was beautiful.
Theo smiled for the first time, an easy and loose smile that grew when he felt the rough bricks rubbing his arms, the warm air caressing his face. Theo left his eyes closed for a second, sinking into the high, before he opened them to experience the world as it should truly be experienced.
Corporeal life meant nothing when Theo was washed away on ribbons of pleasure and joy.
It was an elevation to a godlike state, a state where Theo could finally see that the world was beautiful and precious. Every crack in the ground was proof that it was all so endearingly real. Theo had lived in eternal grey for so long when everything was bright, vivid.
The air breathed with him, rushing in and out of his body in waves of colors. There were the pinks of pleasure, blues of peace, then many colors that were yet to be named and too precious to be seen by mortal or man.
Theo was caressing the breeze, fumbling with the buttons on his shirt to expose more of his heated skin to the night air, when a voice called out to him.
"That's a good lad, take your shirt off and show me what's underneath it."
Theo spun around, his shirt halfway down his arms, and he smiled lazily at the man who sold him his favored escape as he walked back toward him. Later, Theo would think that the man had only been out of sight, waiting for Theo to inhale his own inebriation. At the moment, Theo was bursting inside of his skin to see hungry eyes sweeping his body, drinking him in as all human beings should be taken.
"Fuck me," Theo said, a breathy command. He stripped his shirt off, dropped it to the ground. His cock was aching in his jeans and Theo walked to the man with his hand on the button, impatiently popping it open to feel more pleasure.
The man walked toward Theo and Theo moaned when his hands, rough and perfect, closed around his arms. Oh, Theo threw his head back and moaned again when one hand went to his exposed throat and the other was used to push him against the wall.
"I'm gonna fuck you so good, pretty." The words were a perfectly composed symphony to Theo's ears, the accompanying bite to his shoulder and pressure on his windpipe only heightened the rush.
"When I'm done," there were lips on his ear, licking and tasting Theo, taking his sweat in their mouth and leaving their saliva, making them one with each other, "I'm gonna fuck that smart mouth of yours."
Theo tried to beg, to plead to be touched and kissed and licked, but he couldn't breathe and explosions of light and color were bursting in his eyes. It was everything he wanted, Theo wanted to become one with someone whose brain wouldn't assault him, he wanted to feel the pressure and pleasure of being used.
Theo wanted to discover new colors and sensations that no other mortal could experience. The gods themselves could no longer see and feel the beauty that Theo did, they had done and seen all they could do - they missed so many things.
It was Theo who found never before seen colors, Theo who created imagery around him that had been unnoticed until then.
The gods were gone and it was only Theo on the earth to create it as he saw fit.
Theo's jeans were around his ankles and his forehead scraped the wall, staining it forever with his blood, while a muggle man fucked into him, drawing a cry of pleasure from Theo that mixed with the air and filled the oxygen with Theo. The entire world would breathe him in, leave him to circulate inside of their veins as molecular cohesion on a global scale.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck." Theo was panting, cursing in pleasure in garbled moans.
"Shut up." The man snaked a hand back up to Theo's neck and he slid his entire arm across the front of his neck, used the leverage to take all the air from Theo's body.
Theo didn't need air, he was elevated to a status above God. What purpose was air but a human necessity to leave them enslaved to the earth?
It was a beautiful rush all in one moment -
The man burst inside Theo and shared himself as intimately as a human could with Theo. There was a cry from another melodic voice that filled Theo's thoughts of sweet honey and warm bread. And Theo's eyes rolled back in his head from the overstimulation and lack of oxygen to his brain.
Theo only had time for two final thoughts before he slumped to the ground like a marionette puppet after having it's strings snipped —
"You bloody moron."
One, Ron Weasley did not seem to be pleased with Theo.
Two, Theo wanted his money back - he never orgasmed and the high hadn't lasted as much as it had last time he had spent the night in a similar fashion.
Theo stirred in the wrong bed, surrounded by the wrong smells. It was horrible, waking with a mouth unnaturally dry and smelling nothing but grease and owl droppings.
That meant that Theo was once again in Ron Weasley's home.
It was a relatively common occurrence, certainly nothing truly notable about it. Theo had stayed with the Weasley family the summer after his third year for two weeks. Then two weeks the summer after fourth year. And Theo had been there for six days at the start of summer holiday before he snuck away to his inherited manor.
Once a week or so, maybe twice, Ron would track him down and pull him back to the Burrow. Theo would leave, they would continue their dance until Ron realized that he couldn't save someone who was not in distress.
There was nothing wrong with the Weasley home, per say, aside from the monitoring that Theo neither desired nor appreciated. It was summer, Theo was a free man, he knew the consequences and risks of the decisions he made.
They were each carefully weighed and measured before Theo enacted them. Theo, unlike some, did not brashly barge into situations without thinking them through.
"Awake are you?"
Something soft was lobbed at Theo's head and even the light weight of what smelled like dirty socks managed to pull a whine from his mouth.
"You're more like your mother every day, did you know that?" Theo muttered darkly, burying his face in the pillow on what was politely considered to be his guest bed for a few more seconds.
As soon as Theo conceded, he would be pestered. Ron was a stubborn pain in Theo's arse and he regret the day that they befriended one another.
Theo couldn't sleep, he couldn't sleep and so he walked. Theo walked the castle a few nights a week, tiring his body enough that he couldn't resist the lull of sleep when it called for him.
It was just… Theo missed Harry. More than that, Theo couldn't go to sleep when he pictured what was keeping his best friend from Hogwarts.
The Daily Prophet continued to run daily articles on the Potter twins, but the case had turned so cold that the articles were dropped to page three. Eventually, they'd drop altogether.
Eventually, Theo would be the only one who felt Harry's absence in every class he wasn't attending, every quidditch practice with Draco in Harry's place. Eventually, Theo would be the only one who cared that Harry was gone.
Theo didn't understand how two kids just disappeared. The entire Ministry was helping search for them and - and Theo's father said that they were probably dead.
"Good riddance," he had said.
Harry wasn't dead though, Theo was sure of it. Harry was missing and - and he needed to be found. Theo wanted him safe and back at Hogwarts with him.
Theo made it to the Owlery that night and as soon as he pushed the door open, his heart felt like it jumped up and lodged itself in his throat. There was someone in there, a boy, with a snowy white owl on his shoulder.
In the dark, Theo couldn't see much of the boy aside from his silhouette. Theo only saw messy hair and Hedwig and that was enough to have him rushing forward, wondering maybe if the last two months had been just one really long nightmare.
"Harry!" Theo was almost to him when the boy turned around and Theo could see him better, could see that it wasn't Harry. Harry had been missing for months but Theo's moment of excitement had been so strong that it still felt like a cauldron bubbling with disappointment had been dumped on his head.
"Sorry, mate." It wasn't Harry, it was Ron Weasley. Ron Weasley with swollen eyes and Harry and Sirianna's owl on his shoulder. "It's just me," Ron said, sounding right miserable.
Theo hadn't stopped to think about Ron since the twins were first reported missing aside from sending him a letter before they returned to school, asking in code if the twins were hiding at his house. Ron had replied briefly, ‘No, are they at yours?'
Why would Theo ask him if they were with him if they were at Theo's the whole time?
Ron and Sirianna were best mates though and Theo saw Ron's misery, saw the way that he stroked Hedwig's feathers when he should have been sleeping, and realized that he had been wrong.
There were two of them in the castle who felt the twins's absence so sharply.
It was a pain in the arse friendship, one that Theo knew would never replace the one true friend he had in the world.
Ron was loud and didn't care to read for fun, didn't seem to have the patience to sit and lose himself in a story or learn everything he could about things he didn't know. Ron was a loyal friend though, he had adamantly stuck by Theo's side for years, drawn together over an owl and their missing friends.
Hedwig was simply a pain.
While Theo grumbled and turned and tried to silently decide which part of his body was in the most amount of pain, therefore requiring the majority of his brainpower, Hedwig flew down from where she shared a perch with Ron's other owl and began pecking at Theo's hair.
"Hedwig thinks you reek," Ron commented, ignoring Theo's prior insult. "And you do. Get a shower, Mum's made breakfast."
"Does she know I'm here?" Theo asked, rolling on his back to keep Hedwig from creating bald spots where he couldn't see to heal. If Molly didn't know Theo was there, then he might be able to leave without a scene.
"Yup. I had to get Fred and George to pop us back home, didn't I?"
Phenomenal, really. Because Theo had been hoping to have multiple witnesses to his debauched and private behavior the night before. The details were vague, buried beneath the chemicals that the MDA had set off in his mind, but he knew that more nights than not he had ended his nights in London with sexual escapism.
It was effective and, once again, private.
"Lovely." Theo turned to find Ron and he glared at where he was perched on the side of his bed, his ridiculously long legs dangling over the edge. Ron winced at Theo, not in fear of an almighty scowl of death, likely at the bruises that Theo could feel throbbing softly across his skin.
"I don't recall us having a meeting set," Theo said waspishly, more internally embarrassed than angry. "Some respectable men use owls to send word if they need to speak to someone."
"Oh, come off it." Ron scoffed as if Theo were being the unreasonable one. "You were all messed up and being buggered in an alley, Theo. You - I'm worried." Ron's eyes softened and Theo had to avert his, to look away from the blue-eyed guilt trip being sent toward him. "This isn't you!" he said, earnest and endearingly upset. "I'm not going to lose another friend."
Theo was immune to verbal assault and he stared up at Ron's poster-covered ceiling with a guarded expression and feigned indifference.
"It's the thirty-first," Theo said flatly. It was hardly an excuse, it was the entire explanation.
Ron sighed, filling the room with his disappointment-tinged breath and his own loss that had faded over the years while Theo's only became stronger.
"I know, mate," Ron said quietly. "Happy birthday, Harry."
Happy birthday, Harry.
Theo had a small stash of clothing in one of Ron's dresser drawers and he pulled pants, trousers, and one of his own short-sleeves shirts before stealing a jumper from Ron's closet. Ron was tall, gangly, his jumpers were knitted by his mother and incredibly warm.
There were no Weasleys to block Theo's path to the bathroom, no Weasleys to make faces at what Theo could see was a rather nasty looking patch of contusions across Theo's neck.
Theo scoffed in disgust; he needed to stop men without experience from choking him. The rush in the moment was pure bliss, risking permanent damage to his trachea was less than ideal. Theo didn't bother looking in the cabinets for bruise paste, Molly Weasley kept all of her medicinal potions in their own locked cabinet to keep her children from beating each other and ineffectively healing themselves.
Or Theo assumed that was the case. As he had never mothered a brood of rambunctious gingers, it was hard to be certain without asking. Theo was sure he would get the opportunity if he truly wanted it, Molly had never left Theo unmothered when he stayed at the Burrow.
Aside from Ron, it was the only thing that kept Theo from jumping from a window and leaving. That and the drop might be high enough to paralyze him and Theo would rather not waste months of time inventing a reversal potion.
Theo turned away from the mirror and slowly undressed clothes that he was certain were not his. It was… occasionally difficult to be sure… as often Theo ended up in Ron's home.
The shower was a nice reprieve and gave Theo an opportunity to assess himself for injuries. The MDA never vanished his memories, but left them distorted and difficult to discern as fact or fiction. The injuries Theo sustained were clue maps to his activities.
It was a basic assessment, DCAP-BTLS. Deformities, contusions, abrasions, punctures, burns, tenderness, lacerations, swelling.
The results of that analysis led to Theo deciding that he had gotten drunk, danced too much, had rather rough sex against an abrasive surface with an aggressive and inexperienced man. Nothing immediate or concerning, really.
Not that Molly Weasley agreed with him.
Theo took his time walking downstairs, refusing to duck his head or act ashamed of his choices. Theo was sixteen, he was a Lord in his own right, if anyone had anything to say then they were wasting their breath.
The house was filled with noise, too much noise even for the Burrow. There was also the smell of food that Theo thought might make him actually become ill. MDA had a cooldown period and it did not involve being force-fed large quantities of food by a woman who never seemed to recall that Theo was not her blood.
"Theo!" Molly was the first to see Theo when he stepped in the kitchen and became the bug under the microscope that the others inspected. Ron's oldest brother, Bill Weasley, made a sound of displeasure when he saw him, Theo hardly cared. Fred and George pasted large false smiles on their faces, their eyes filled with pity that wasn't needed. Percy Weasley was absent, thankfully, but his sister made the same starry eyes at Theo that Percy had before their brief tryst had ended quite explosively.
In Theo's defense, Percy should have known that just because he graduated Hogwarts did not mean that Theo wouldn't seek out distractions from his fellow students. Ron had been rather sore over it and Theo told himself that was Ron's problem and not Theo's. Percy had been interested, Theo had needed someone, it worked until it didn't.
Ron shoved the chair beside him out and Theo took his spot, gratefully noting that Ron had already fetched the case of potions and pastes for him.
"Good morning," Theo said, smiling politely at Molly while he reflexively began tracking the concoctions Ron believed he needed from the case. "May I have some tea?"
"I'll get it for you," Bill offered abruptly. Theo watched him as well, ensuring that he had no opportunity to poison him. Bill Weasley was not Theo's biggest fan, he had rather colorfully told Ron that Theo was a ‘burnout', a ‘lost cause', and ‘needed professional help'.
Ron had punched his brother in the nose and Theo bandaged his split knuckles with mumbled apologies for causing a riff.
That had been the summer when Theo let Ron talk him into attending the Quidditch World Cup, a horrid experience that Theo buried deep in his memories to never revisit.
"Thank you," Theo said stiffly when Bill gave him the tea. It was unexpected and Theo suspected it had something to do with whatever misconception led to Ron and his brothers taking Theo from London. Bill nodded briefly and pulled a pain relieving potion out of Ron's pile to replace in the case.
"You'll kill him, mixing that with the shit still in his body," Bill said, not bothering to keep his voice down as if Theo could be publicly embarrassed by the most common pastime there was.
"His head hurts," Ron argued, loyal to a clear fault. It was a wonder that he never went to Hufflepuff, though Theo suspected it had been a topic of interest for the Sorting Hat.
"Good. Maybe it'll remind him not to be an idiot."
"Bill, don't be rude."
"Being polite is going to kill this kid, Mum."
Theo sipped his tea and watched Bill argue with his mother interestedly. Truly, Bill nearly sounded concerned with the lost cause who needed professional help. It was touching, probably.
Molly said nothing else, only clicked her tongue and served Theo an overly filled plate when Ron reached out to tilt Theo's chin up for better access to his neck.
"Merlin, mate, he could have killed you," Ron murmured, his fingers careful and cool against Theo's skin. "Bill's being an arse," Ron shot a glare at his brother that bounced off his skin easily, "but he's not wrong."
People only died when they made poorly calculated decisions. Theo did the math, checked it twice, and had survived every decision thus far.
Theo hummed, a sound of non-commitment and Ron knew it. Ron scoffed and perhaps prodded a bruise harder than necessary.
"Idiot," he said under his breath, never quietly enough to evade Molly.
"Do not talk to your friend like that," Molly said, lightly thumping her son on his head before she settled in her own chair at the table. "Theo, dear," Molly turned her big eyes on Theo and he squirmed, nearly uncomfortable, "how are you? You had us rather frightened last night when your elf said you hadn't been home."
When had Theo been home last? He thought it was yesterday, was it not?
How was he? Horrible. Theo was drowning beneath the weight of a lordship he didn't want, one that caused more suffering even with Thaddeus gone from Theo's life. How was he? Miserable. Theo should have been planning a party for his true friend, the one person in the world who had once understood him, and instead Theo was resigned to a day of research.
The research was exhausting, impossible to ever complete without answers. Still, if Theo didn't, who would?
"I'm fine, thank you," Theo told Molly. "I do have a few appointments to keep today though, I should get going…"
Ron slammed his hand on Theo's shoulder and pushed him back in his seat when Theo tried to stand. Theo would have chalked it up to Ron's smothering personality, until Molly cleared her throat.
"Dear, we were thinking, maybe you should stay with us? For the rest of the summer?" Molly said gently. "Bill said he would help us adjust the house and, gracious, you're already a part of the family. You shouldn't be alone in that house, it isn't good for you."
"It's fine," Theo said, not wanting to argue with a woman who had treated him kindly for years. Theo would not move in, he would not let kindness overcome his research and his plans. Theo had survived years in his home when there was a monster within it, he would continue to do so with only his personal demons taunting him in the shadows.
"Yeah?" Bill sat back in his chair, laced his fingers behind his head, and fixed Theo with a steely gaze. "You were assaulted, mate. That's not fine."
Oh. Oh Theo truly didn't want to discuss his private business in front of Molly. Theo wouldn't be made to look like a victim either though.
"That was consensual," Theo said in a clipped tone, warning Bill that it was not his business in any manner.
Bill didn't look away from Theo, he didn't cow from his cold eyes or short reply.
"George?"
George Weasley sounded a modicum more uncomfortable than Theo felt when he cleared his throat in a helpless manner.
"Theo, mate… you - erm… you were high? And he was a grown man."
On the gods above… they were going to make Theo say it in front of Molly. It was a true low for him, an unplanned consequence of his decisions.
"I asked him to," Theo said. He probably had, it was all the dopamine rushing his brain that made him careless in partners. Theo had once shagged a woman while high, it had been his lowest point prior to the mortifying conversation happening.
"Yeah, you're doing fine though," Bill drawled. He was mocking Theo, right to his face, despite Molly's attempt to stop him. "You'll keep rushing out, poisoning your body, propositioning strangers for sex and you'll maybe see seventeen. I doubt it though, I think the next time some random bloke has his hands around your neck that he'll kill you. He will kill you and nobody will find your body, Theo. Do you understand that? Do you understand that boys like you go missing every day?"
There was a line of acceptable conversation and unacceptable. Theo's sex life was a foot over the line, a foot into territory that was nobody's business. That? That? Bill jumped the line like a pole vaulter and was ten meters into unacceptable.
"No, really?" Theo stood up and Ron's hand couldn't stop him, Theo was done. Finished. Theo stared at Bill Weasley and wished him pain and agony through his eyes, wanted him to cower and see that Theo was not interested in his scare tactics, his guilt trips, his oh so well intentioned intervention.
"I had no idea that boys went missing every day," Theo said, his voice rising - not shaking though, a mercy. "This is newsworthy, William! Truly! Write a letter to the Daily Prophet, tell them that sometimes people go missing! Or better yet READ THE BLOODY FRONT PAGE AND TELL ME WHAT THE TOP STORY TODAY IS!"
It would be Harry, Theo knew without looking.
Every year on his birthday, the Daily Prophet ran the same sorry article and rehashed the mystery surrounding his alleged death. There were no answers there, no clues, no leads. There was only a sensational story on the mysterious disappearance of the Boy-Who-Lived and his sister.
Theo closed off the pain on his face, hid it beneath fury, then turned on his heel to stride from the house. Nobody stopped him, Theo was able to storm away with only the wisps of Ron and Bill's continuing argument to fuel him.
"No, Bill, great going, really."
"I can't help that you chose the most self-destructive little dick to befriend."
"Theo gets to be a dick today. You don't have any excuses."
Yes, Theo could be a dick. Theo could scream and rampage and burn down cities if he wanted because it was Harry's birthday and Harry was not there to celebrate. Theo wouldn't though, there was somewhere he truly did need to be.
Theo apparated from the Burrow to his first destination of the day. Theo wasn't yet old enough to test for his license, he would on his next birthday, but he knew he wouldn't be caught.
It was a fine the first time, regardless. Theo could pay a fine, use more care in the future, and continue on as he had. Theo had nothing but gold at his disposal, gold he didn't want and only needed to carry on with his life.
The gold was meant to pay for an education one day - a mastery in runes, a doctorate in philosophy. Theo had it planned out, down the the last knut. Recently? Theo found that he couldn't care less about what the future held.
Theo was the top of his year, prefect in line to be Head Boy. Theo's grades were impeccable, his professors loved to brag on his achievements. Theo had been published in his fourth year on a concept combining runes with divination, a concept that he would receive royalties from if his designs were adopted and marketed by another witch or wizard.
Everyone expected great things from Theodore Nott, even before his father passed and more so once that shadow no longer covered his life in mystery.
Theo had no such expectations of himself, not anymore.
Theo didn't care anymore, didn't care to make plans, didn't care to weigh any decisions further than a few hours out at a time. Bill Weasley called him a burnout and he wasn't entirely incorrect - Theo was burnt out.
It was quiet and peaceful in the cemetery though, Theo was unbothered while he walked between graves, his feet moving him automatically to his destination. There weren't any reporters camped out anymore, no mourners there that early. By nightfall, there would be flowers and letters on Harry's grave, from people who had never known or been known by him.
Theo knew him and he missed him.
Harry's grave was situated between his parents and his sister. It was a short line of Potters, two who were indeed dead and two who had been missing long enough to be classified as such. It shouldn't be there, the marble headstones for Harry and Sirianna Potter, but there had been public outcry over their disappearance and none were convinced the twins were still alive.
The Dursley home, the one that had been burned to ash by fiendfyre, was used as evidence of their deaths and the Ministry declared them officially dead one year after their disappearance was first reported. Despite finding evidence of three muggle bodies in the ashes and no proof of Harry's death, they put up a tombstone.
Theo did not believe that Harry was dead, Theo would never believe it without proof.
Regardless, Theo sank to his knees on the grass that was never disturbed, never had a coffin buried even for show, to look at the tombstone before him.
Harry James Potter
July 31st 1968 - July 8th 1980
The memories are yours to keep, for this is my time to sleep.
Theo traced the epitaph, wished for the millionth time that he could trade the old memories for new ones created.
Harry should be turning sixteen - and maybe he was somewhere. Harry should be receiving his OWL scores soon, he would have made Theo fight him for top place in their year. They would have had the best time studying together, developing their thesis for runes and criticizing Professor Flitwick's lax approach to paper examinations.
Theo was unsure which of them would have been prefect, he suspected it would have still been him though. Harry had a spark of mischief that compelled Theo even as a first year that would have made him perfectly imperfect as a student.
It wouldn't have hurt Theo any that Professor Snape made the recommendation himself.
They would have been planning their futures together, possibly in a multitude of ways. Instead, Theo sat on an empty grave, on his best friend's birthday, and mourned the memories they never made.
The wind was Theo's only companion for some time as Theo lost himself in what had never been and what he feared never would. Theo couldn't stay all day, at some point there would be token mourners for the Boy-Who-Lived and he would be shooed away or, much worse, asked to talk about Harry.
What could he say? Theo loved him. Harry had been Theo's entire world at eleven and he never discovered his footing in the abyss that the loss created.
Before Theo was ready to leave, there was a crack of apparation nearby and he turned his head, knew who it would be before he saw him. Sirius Black always visited the cemetery on Harry's birthday, he was the one who left the fresh flowers on Sirianna's grave from her birthday the day before.
Theo and Sirius Black were well acquainted, since they met in Theo's second year and Theo and Ron helped to clear Sirius's name. The man was unstable, unwell - Theo was rather a fan of the only other person who didn't believe that the twins were dead.
Sirius Black had the only proof that Theo ever needed - confirmation from the Gringotts Bank that the Potter Vaults still belonged to Harry and Sirianna Potter.
"Theo," Sirius nodded at Theo, looked slowly from him to Harry's tombstone. A spasm of pain crossed his face, the same pain that Theo would show no one. "Hard to believe he's sixteen now," Sirius said quietly, placing a bouquet of black calla lillies on the empty grave.
Theo said nothing, there was nothing to say. Theo remained on the ground while Sirius stared at all four marked graves with the empty eyes of a man who had lost everything. When they knew time was sparse, Sirius offered Theo a drink and Theo accepted it.
They had a routine, after all.
Theo returned to the cottage that Sirius Black had in Box Hill, Surrey. It was as close to Little Whining as he could handle, close enough to watch the muggle town and removed enough so as to not end up actually murdering a dozen innocent muggles.
There were three bedrooms in the cottage, two that were redone every year, updated to match the interests and palettes of children who aged, grew. Children who did not live there, might never see the rooms designed for them.
Sirius didn't turn down the hallway toward the bedrooms, he took Theo to the kitchen where there was tea already brewing. There was also a basket on the table of muffins and scones.
"Molly," Sirius said, a short explanation. "Help yourself."
"I'm fine." Theo said. He settled in one of the brown dining chairs and poured himself a cuppa. It was bitter, hot, it felt good on Theo's recently healed throat.
"You look like hell," Sirius commented, taking the seat opposite Theo. He scrutinized him too knowingly, with eyes that Theo couldn't hide from. "Late night?" he guessed.
Theo hummed, sipped his tea. "Eventful," he said evenly.
Sirius, mad bastard he was, barked a short laugh at Theo's evasive response. Sirius was hardly in a place to judge Theo, Theo was not the one who had been arrested on Sirianna's fourteenth birthday for breaking the Statute of Secrecy.
"You're too young for pubs," Sirius said, plucking a muffin from the basket and taking a savage bite of it. He spoke with his mouth full, uncivilized. "‘ll end up deaf."
Theo was sure he meant dead, an inaccuracy to be certain. It was the second time that Theo heard that in one day and it was tiring.
The worst thing in life was not an early grave, it was an empty one.
Perhaps Sirius knew that Theo had a marked indifference to a death that he didn't foresee happening. He certainly chose a new route to guilt him with.
"I'd hate to find Harry and tell him you're gone." Sirius tossed the half muffin in the air, caught it, popped it in his mouth until his cheeks bulged. "‘ats all."
Sirius was, adamantly, certain that they would find Harry. Theo knew Harry was alive, Theo knew that Harry existed somewhere within the world - Theo did not know they would find him.
After years of searching, Theo believed it was up to Harry to find them.
Theo didn't respond, Sirius must have known he wouldn't. Theo didn't need to explain himself, take a defensive stance. Theo could exist in the small pocket of frozen time alongside Sirius until the clock struck midnight and Theo was broken from the curse of the thirty-first of July.
It would have been a quiet day, solemnity thick in the kitchen of Harry's godfather. Theo might have fetched his journal, summoned an elf to bring it from home, so he could read all his prior research and his endless theories… theories upon theories upon theories…
It was a routine at that point, after all.
The mild hangover that Theo had been feeling was dissipating when an owl arrived for Sirius. Theo, apparently inexcusably, reached for a roll in the basket of baked goods when the owl landed in front of Sirius. It took offense to his hand getting near the official envelope it held and tried to peck his finger.
"Hateful," Theo hissed, pulling his hand back and scowling.
"Must be the bank, their owls are all nasty little gits," Sirius said fondly, petting the menace while he took the envelope. "Yes you are, aren't you, pretty?"
Theo twitched at the pet name and decided that he was not as hungry as he thought. Instead, he feigned interest in whatever missive Sirius received from the bank.
"Reparation payment?" Theo guessed. The Ministry sent Sirius a small fortune every year, reparations for his false imprisonment and the emotional damage done when Sirius's barrister claimed that the Potter Twins would never have allegedly died if they had done their jobs properly.
Part of Theo's fortune paid Sirius Black's restitution, amusingly. Many families were raided, fined for every dark artifact found within their homes. It was a thin excuse for the Ministry to pad their pockets when they knew Sirius would bankrupt them.
Sirius didn't answer Theo, his eyes ticked from side to side while he went an unhealthy shade of white.
"Sirius?" Theo couldn't imagine what Gringotts would say that would bother a man who probably spent less then twenty galleons a month.
"It's the Potter vault," Sirius breathed, dropping Theo's stomach down into a pit where it would never return.
That was it, the last shed of evidence that Theo could shove in the face of everyone who said that Harry was dead. It was the only comfort that Theo had since Sirius Black had established himself as the godfather over the vault.
"You inherited the vault?" Theo asked, his own voice coming from a distance. It was the separation of truth from consciousness, Theo's mind wanted him as far from the incoming pain as it could be.
"No." Sirius looked across the table to Theo and there was a sick light in his eyes, glittering madness of joy. "Sirianna Potter made a request for a withdrawal from the vault a week ago."