Angstober 2024

Remus didn’t know much about stars. That was until he started dating Sirius Black.

Sirius knew all sorts of facts about stars and would always tell Remus everything he knew. Remus loved listening to Sirius ramble on about the things he loved. Remus also loved learning new things and learning about Sirius was his favorite thing.

Sirius was named after a star. The Sirius star was the brightest star in the sky and part of the Canis Major constellation. These facts were ingrained into Remus’ brain. Like a permanent tattoo.

Everything about Sirius was ingrained into his brain. Remus was obsessed with the other boy.

Obsessed with the way he styled his hair, the way he dressed, the way he bit his lower lip when in deep thought.

Remus had fallen fast.

He could never tell Sirius the other boy was surely straight. A boy like Sirius would never fall in love with a boy like Remus. He had accepted this fact long ago. That didn’t stop Remus from hoping and wishing things would be different.

Remus would often spend long nights watching Sirius at college parties getting drunk and flirting with random girls. It hurt to watch Sirius burn slowly drinking and flirting.

It hurt to watch but Remus stayed knowing that at the end of the night Sirius would drunkenly find him and ask him to drive them home. Remus would drive Sirius to his dorm and stay the night making sure he stayed safe. The next morning Sirius and Remus would talk and hang out just the two of them.

Remus loved these moments sitting on Sirius' bed listening to songs and talking about whatever topics they wanted to. Remus felt comfortable in these moments; he wished he could live in these moments.

It was one of those days. Remus laid sprawled out on Sirius bed, his arms crossed and eyes closed. Sirius was sitting next to him going on and on about how much homework he had to do and how he wished he could just drop out. Remus laid there a small smile on his face.

That’s when it happened.

One second Sirius was talking and the next moment Sirius was kissing him.

Sirius' lips were soft.

That was the only thought going through his head.

Remus quickly sat up, eyes wide pushing Sirius away.

“What are you doing?” Remus asked, baffled.

Sirius' face was red and he wasn’t looking Remus in the eyes.

“I’m kissing you isn’t that obvious?” Sirius said, trying to make a joke.

Remus didn’t laugh. He was confused. Sirius was straight, he didn't like guys and he definitely didn’t like Remus.

‘Why?” Remus asked again, picking at the end of his sweater anxiously.

“What do you mean why? Isn’t it obvious I have a huge crush on you i just didn’t know how to tell you” Sirius rambled running a hand through his hair.

Remus thinks he was dreaming. This couldn’t be happening right?

“Remus please say something” Sirius whispered.

Remus couldn't speak.

Then again actions speak louder than words.

Remus kissed Sirius pulling him close. Sirius smiled as he kissed him back. Remus’ heart fluttered in his chest.

***********

Remus and Sirius had been dating for a year when it happened. Sirius had stopped drinking about a month before after his uncle died due to liver failure. Remus liked sober Sirius a lot better than he liked drunk Siriuis.

Sirius seemed to like sober Sirius as well.

Remus was happy with his life, happy with Sirius they were happy until Sirius got the letter. Remus wasn’t home when Sirius had gotten and read the letter. He knew something had happened the moment he got home. Instead of being greeted by Sirius running over and hugging him Remus was greeted by the quiet sounds of Sirius crying.

Remus ran to find Sirius in the kitchen sitting on the floor. The letter in one hand and a half empty bottle of alcohol in the other. Remus quickly took the bottle from his boyfriend's hands. He crouched in front of Sirius gently cupping his face in his hands. Sirius looked up at Remus with a sad broken look in his eyes. Remus wanted nothing more than to take the broken pieces and put them back together again.

“What happened love?” Remus asked softly.

Sirius didn’t respond, just handed Remus the letter, tears running down his cheeks. Remus carefully took the letter to read. His breath caught in his throat as he read the first line.

Dear Siri,

If you are reading this then I’m sorry, I’m sorry I couldn’t get out like you and I’m sorry I never defended you from our parents. If you are reading this then that means I am dead. This is a pre-written note so I don’t know how I died but I do know that I love you and I miss you and I hope to see you again in another universe, maybe one where we can be happy. Please don’t be too sad. I hate making you sad so please for me don’t be sad. I want you to keep living. I want you to live the life we dreamed about. If not for you then for me.

I love you so much

Regulus.

Remus gently folded the letter feeling tears form in his eyes. Regulus and Sirius never had the best relationship, Regulus being their parents favorite and Sirius being the disappointment. Remus looked back at Sirius and pulled him into a tight hug. Sirius cried into Remus’ chest body shaking.

“It’s ok it’s going to be ok” Remus whispered gently rubbing Sirius’ back.

They sat there for a few minutes, Remus holding Sirius while he cried. Eventually Sirius falls asleep in Remus’ arm. Remus stands up gently picking up Sirius. He makes sure to not wake him as he takes Sirius to their room. Remus lays Sirius down on the bed and kisses his forehead. He goed to the kitchen and pours out all the alcohol he can find and throws away all the bottles. He wasn’t going to let Sirius's grief ruin him. He wasn’t going to sit and watch his star burn and fall.

It was a few months after Remus came home to find Sirius drunk and grieving on their kitchen floor. Remus tried hard to keep Sirius and alcohol far away from each other. He tried but no matter how hard he tried Sirius still managed to find alcohol. Remus would come home now more often than not to find Sirius sitting on the floor, alcohol in one hand and Regulus’ letter in the other. More often than not Remus would have to pry the liquid from Sirius’ hands and force him to sleep.

Remus was getting tired. Tired of watching his star burn and start to fall. This has been the topic of all their conversations now. Remus would beg Sirius to stop and see someone and Sirius would tell Remus he was fine. That nothing was wrong.

Everything was wrong.

Remus walked into their shared apartment and saw the same scene he had seen many times before. Except for today Remus was done.

He was done trying to stop Sirius from falling. He was tired of watching him destroy himself. Remus didn’t say anything, he just went to their room and started gathering his things. He couldn’t stay here and watch Sirius do this to himself. Sirius must have realized Remus was home because he came wobbling into their room looking sad and confused.

“Moony?” Sirius slurred, tripping over his feet as he walked to their bed.

Remus ignored him, not wanting to fight.

“Moony, where are you going?” Sirius asked, sitting on the bed.

Remus sighed and turned to look at Sirius. He looked so sad and broken. He looked so very drunk.

“I’m going to go stay with James and Lily” Remus replies, finishing putting the last of his sweaters in his bag.

“Why?” Sirius asked, voice cracking.

“Because Sirius I can’t do this anymore I can’t watch you kill yourself by drinking all the time” Remus said anger bubbaling up in his voice.

“I’m sorry Moony please just don’t leave me” Sirius begged, getting off the bed and walking closer to Remus.

“No Sirius I can't. I tried to help but you need help professional help that I can’t give to you I love you but I can’t stay not when you do this” Remus says trying hard to not yell at Sirius.

It wasn’t his fault he was grieving but Remus could’t watch him fall knowing he couldn’t catch him.

“If you loved me you would stay!” Sirius yelled, tears falling down his cheeks.

“I love you that’s why I am leaving you have no idea how much I love you!” Remus yelled back.

“No you can’t please Remus stay” Sirius begged, grabbing Remus’ arms.

Remus pulled his arm away and walked out the door.

“I love you I’m sorry” Remus muttered before closing the door and leaving Sirius alone in his room.

Remus fell in love with a star he should have known his lover would burn until he fell.