Chapter 12
They didn't really talk about the kiss. All Regulus knew was that the next morning James greeted him by softly kissing his cheek and Regulus almost swallowing his tongue.
In fact they didn't talk a whole lot at all. Regulus was struck by a doubt of worry about the binding again but the quick, precise, clinical movements of Potter's hands eased his beating heart.
He thought about asking James what this was to him. If this was anything at all. But then his mind supplied him with images of Potter laughing at his face, of him leaving and Regulus back alone in this awful house, waiting for his mother to return so she could tell him of his latest disappointment.
And so when James carefully tucked a strand of hair from his face, he basically threw himself at Potter. Not that he complained. He was a lot more responsive a lot quicker than the last day and soon Regulus was halfway in his lap, tugging at James's lower lip. Finally able to roam his hands through those terrible, wonderful strands of hair.
"I ..." Potter started between kisses, "I should ... mh ... I should go."
Regulus stilled and took a moment to calm down the voice int his head that screamed no. Don't go. Stay, stay, stay. Please. No one ever does. Stay.
He took another breath against James's neck, inhaling his earthy scent then sat back and nodded.
James fiddled with his sleeves and Regulus knew what he'd say before he even started. "You could -"
"No."
James looked up, surprised. "You don't even know-"
"I'm not going with you Potter."
"Just for a bit! You don't have to ... move in, or anything ..."
"Like my brother did?" Regulus's voice was a lot sharper than he'd intended.
James stayed quiet for a while. "I just mean, maybe you'd like to get out of this house for a while."
"This house," Regulus said, his voice carefully cold, "is my home."
"I know! I know. I'm not trying to take it away. Or .. take you away or -"
"I'm not going near him James. He hates me."
"He doesn't!" James looked genuinely distressed at the thought and he raked a hand through his already ruffled hair before he stood up and paced. "He really doesn't, you have to believe me. It's just .. complicated .. and I'm sure-"
"James," Regulus interrupted again, a little softer now. "Drop it. I'm staying here. You're going back. He's staying there. It's for the best."
James wanted to argue. He looked like it nearly tore him apart not to, but after a few moments of visibly struggling he deflated completely. Then he sat back on the bed heavily. "Just ... you're okay here right? You'd tell me if you weren't?"
Regulus nodded. He wasn't sure if it was true, but he nodded. And then, just because he could he crawled over towards James, buried his nose in the crook of his neck and slung his arms around strong shoulders. James immediately enveloped him so tightly Regulus wanted to cry.
He didn't. He wouldn't. Couldn't. Couldn't show how much this meant to him. How much he would have liked to believe James. To go with him. To beg him to stay.
They sat like that for a long time and Regulus hoped against hope that it was enough. That he was enough. That he'd had enough. He knew he wasn't and it never would be.
~~~
Going back to Hogwarts after a break, even one as short as Christmas, was usually equally relieving and exhausting. Peeling off his stoic mask of indifference became more painful every time he did it, and sometimes he wondered when it'd stick completely. Freezing him forever.
This time however it seemed to not have been sitting very sturdily to begin with and when Pandora greeted him with a joyful face his mouth curved into a smile all on its own. Maybe that should worry him, Mother had been giving him more disapproval than usual and he knew it was because of his lack of engagement with the cause.
His scrambled mind and healing body had simply lacked the energy to fake enthusiasm for yet another wedding between his cousins. Or a meeting to gush over the absolutely astonishing amazingness of the Dark Lord. It had been exciting once. It had become tiring over time. And with Sirius gone it was also a pretty lonely affair.
They'd squabble over it alright, never on the same page, Sirius always the rebel, but ... But he had still had someone to share it with somehow.
That would never happen again.
That thought lodged a lump in his throat and maybe he'd tempted fate by thinking such wistful thoughts, but the next thing he knew he was staring at Sirius.
He wasn't close. Was at the other side of the corridor, but he too, had stopped in his tracks. Regulus saw the quick sweep his brother did of his figure. Head to toes and back up. Checking up on him. Making sure he was alright, alive.
He wanted to lift his hand. Maybe nod his head. Do something, anything to show that he wasn't them. That he loved Sirius still, and with a fierceness not even his mother could burn out of him. He opened his mouth, almost spoke, but then Sirius was ducking his head, shoving his hands into his trousers, slipping down a different corridor and gone.
Regulus blinked against the tears in his eyes. Better this way, he told himself.
Alone, like he always was.
He wasn't sure how Potter wanted to play this. Would they just go back to ignoring each other? He couldn't imagine James doing that, but there was a quiet insistent voice at the back of his head telling him he'd been a fun little experiment and nothing more.
And maybe it would be better this way. Less painful. For both of them.
He tried to avoid James for a while and succeeded in doing so for exactly two hours and twenty three minutes while they were back in the castle. Then James threw a secret little smile his way passing him on the corridor and that was all it took for him to know he'd keep this for as long as he could.
~~~
Regulus wasn't sure how, but James could find him anywhere. It made meet ups a lot easier even though everything else just kept getting harder.
Usually their spaces were abandoned class rooms or the top of the astronomy tower at night, but today they got a rare moment in the warm morning sun. James had somehow managed to sneak out baskets full of food. Cheese and grapes and all the stuff Regulus loved. They ate hidden behind that awful willow nobody wanted to get too close to. 'More room for us,' James had grinned.
Regulus stuffed one last piece of cheese into his mouth and fell back into the warm grass with a huff. "Don't look at me like that," he grumbled and James laughed.
"Like what? You can't even tell, your eyes are closed."
"Yes, well I still know you have that smug little smile on your face and I suggest you wipe it right off."
Regulus should have been suspicious of the silence that followed, but apparently he had become a trusting fool, and made an indignant, high pitched noise when all of the however-many-pounds of muscle that made up James Potter landed on him. "James!"
"You little shit," James said, poking Regulus who squirmed and squeaked. And laughed, Merlin did he laugh. He was ... comfortable. The heavy warm weight of James on him like a blanket, his gentle hands prodding and teasing.
His efforts of self defence were measly at best, let alone unsuccessful and soon James pinned his arms next to his head. Regulus blinked up at him, the sun so high he couldn't really see James's face. "You're really heavy," he complained.
"Too heavy?" James asked and he quickly shook his head, let his legs fall a little further open. James smiled, bent his head and kissed the tip of Regulus's nose. Twice, then along his cheek and then ...
"Au! Did you just bite my ear?" Regulus asked and James grinned like the cat who got the cream. "You animal! No biting."
"None at all?"
"Are you pouting?" Regulus asked, fighting hard against his laughter.
"No ..." He definitely was.
Regulus clicked his tongue, rolled his eyes, "fine. But not the ear."
"Not the ear? Here then?" James asked, nipping at the edge of his throat. Regulus squirmed. Then couldn't help but arch into James as he trailed soft kisses along his throat, his collar, the dip between his clavicles.
James kissed him breathless. Pressing his mouth wherever he could reach, laughing lightly when a sound escaped Regulus, who felt pliant, like he was floating. The sunlight warming his skin, James kissing his way down his body, carefully avoiding his chest, roving over his stomach, stopping over the waistband of his trousers.
Regulus tensed. "I ... I don't think I'm ready for .."
James looked up, smiled. "I know, it's okay." He pressed a last lingering kiss on the pale skin of Regulus's stomach then carefully pulled his shirt back down. He rested his head on his folded hands as he glanced up with a devilish smirk. "You really thought I'd go down on you right here?"
Regulus felt the tips of his ears grow warm. "No," he lied, feeling his blush spread across his cheeks and kicked at a laughing James.
They stayed like that until the sun stood high in the sky and Regulus's face had taken on a permanent rosy colour.
"We should go back to the castle," said James, "you'll get sunburned. Or we could go swimming ..." They both knew that wouldn't work. Too exposed, too risky. Somebody could see. Not just see Regulus, but see them together. He honestly didn't even know what would be worse anymore.
Regulus smiled sadly. "Maybe next time."
"Yeah. Maybe ... Oh wait, Reg, you've got something on you."
Regulus tried to shake off the crawling sensation on his arm but James beat him to it, reaching out and carefully extracting the little insect onto his fingers.
He was still staring at it thoughtfully when Regulus was done dusting off his clothes. "You know, I think of you like this sometimes," James said suddenly.
Regulus stared at him. "You think of me as a maggot?!"
"What?" James looked at him, then started laughing. Loud and from his middle, "oh Merlin your face. Wow ... No, Reg that's not a maggot that's a caterpillar."
"It looks like a maggot."
James snorted. "See, that's the problem if you only know magical creatures, and I mean yeah maybe, right now it's a little weird looking, but ... it'll ... you know, transform. And then it'll be a butterfly."
Regulus stepped closer. "A butterfly? Seriously?"
"Yeah." James cupped his hands over the little green creature. "They cocoon and then hatch and then they're ... what they were always supposed to be. Doesn't mean they're less now, just means ... they aren't fully there yet. They still got time. Means the best is still coming."
Regulus kept his eyes on the caterpillar but when he blinked up at James he knew his eyes were glossed over. "Yeah," he said softly.
He knew it was a lie. For him, the best days were not coming. They were right now. There was no more transformation. If he was lucky he could stay as he was right now, right here.
He had to hold on to this, to this happiness, this moment, with both hands, because there was a spider in the woods. One that cocooned little caterpillars just as they did themselves, but with her, they never got out. They got sucked dry, from blood and soul and heart until all that was left was an empty shell of something once destined to be beautiful.
He reached out, let the caterpillar crawl onto his finger and set it gently onto a leaf. Then he smiled at James a little uncertainly. James smiled back. Quiet and sad.
He took Regulus's hand and they snuck back to the castle. Halfway there they had to part. No one could see them. Not ever in the finite time he could call James his own.
And even this finite time was running out. He could feel it.