Chapter 13
Regulus decided he had to do something. Prepare for the inevitable so it wouldn't shatter him when the time came. He had to pull himself away from the warmth of James so he wouldn't freeze in the sudden absence.
The problem was that the more he withdrew, the more worried James became.
Somehow it had the opposite of the desired effect: where he'd hoped James would just loose interest if he acted cold enough, James's eyes started tracking him wherever he went.
It would be just his luck, to find someone who didn't turn their back even if he did, who grew warmer and more insistent, worried about Regulus's wellbeing, while he tried to chase them off.
It also made it just incredibly hard. Saying no to James Potter felt like kicking a puppy at this point, and Regulus didn't even like puppies. He just wasn't a monster.
"We could go back up to the astronomy tower. Maybe do that midnight picnic thing again, dance to the french song ..."
Regulus sighed. Put down his quill. "Which part of 'I want to study' didn't you understand?" He asked and kept his tone so clipped and curt he wanted to bite his tongue off at the look on James's face. "I only mean," he hurried to say, "I really need to finish this." Damn it.
James smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. Then he got up from his place on the floor and began sorting through the papers on his nightstand. "You think there'll be a war?" He asked suddenly. They'd been dancing around this for a while now, Regulus was surprised by James finally naming it.
"I don't know."
James looked up. Eyes bright and fierce. "Me either, but what do you think?"
"I think that we shouldn't concern ourselves with things like that." I think that there will be a war. A great, terrible war. I think that you and Dumbledore and all the other do-gooders underestimate the hate these people have, and the sheer number they come in. I think that I should shut you in a cage, throw away the key so you won't run right into the frontlines.
"Not concern ... Reg what are you saying? That we should do nothing? Let them win? Don't you see what's at stake here?"
Regulus's clenched his fists, tried to focus on the parchment in front of him. "Of course not. All I'm saying, Mr. Righteous, is that there are forces at work here we cannot understand, let alone control."
"That's exactly what they want you to think! That they're further ahead than us, that they're stronger, better, but they're not."
Regulus wasn't so sure about that. But when he looked at James his desperate anger simmered down. He was looking at Regulus with this begging hope in his eyes and despite his resolves, despite everything Regulus reached for his hand. Ran his fingers along James's strong knuckles.
"Maybe you're right." He couldn't bring himself to lie straight to his face so he mumbled it into the floor. James stepped forward, cupped his face lightly.
"I am," he said. "I am. It's not ... it's not armies that defeat evil Reggie it's- it's- the grapes you got me from breakfast and it's waiting for Remus in the hospital wing and it's kissing you ... and. It's just, it's you and me Reggie."
Regulus swallowed. Then he pressed his forehead into the soft expanse of James's hideously red sweater. James didn't say anything. Just rested his big hand on top of his head and stroked his curls.
Regulus choked back his sobs, blinked back his tears. Now he knew how utterly hopeless it all was. Because James Potter was an idiot who believed in the power of good and looked at Regulus like he was part of it, and he would be shattered just like Regulus when he was proven wrong.
~~~
Regulus broke up with James on a day full of low hanging clouds and rain pelting from the skies. His mother had written to him a week prior, announcing his entry into the inner circle as soon as possible. He'd go home for easter. He'd meet the dark lord. He'd get the mark. Everything would change.
He had worked hard on what to say. On explanations and excuses. In the end it was a few cold words and leaving Potter standing in the rain, a shard of glass pressed into his hand.
James would get over it, Regulus told himself. There was no way this had meant as much to James as it had to him. No way his chest too felt open and empty. Evacuated from heart and soul. Tired and lonely and so utterly cold. There was just no way.